Title: Remember

Author: Belynda

E-mail: belindat@ihug.co.nz

Rating: NC-17

Pairings: C/K

Status: New, Complete

Parts: 1

Date: 22 August 1998

Series: Love Life

Story Sequence: Love Life, Decisions, Dinner at Harry's, No Regrets, Time Off, Remember

Website: http://members.tripod.com/~belyndat/index.html

Summary: After being released from sick bay, Harry is glad to return to duty. But a old secret is now testing Harry. Can the lovers pull through this crisis?

Disclaimer: All characters, places, and terminology belong to Paramount. I only play with them and put them back when I have finished with them. I make no money from this story.

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! This story is about a m/m relationship. If you have any problems concerning such relationship, then what are you doing here? You have been warned.

The door shut behind them and then Chakotay found himself pushed up against the wall and his lips caught in a soul searing kiss. Moaning, he returned the kiss, arching into his lover. Clutching his lover closer, he tore his mouth away to gulp in some much needed air, only to have it stolen once again by the passionate lips of his eager lover.

Suddenly he found himself bare chested as his shirt was ripped open. His mouth was free for him to demand a stop to this assault, but he didn't want to stop this sweet torture. The doctor had declared Harry healthy and fit for duty only just that morning, and Chakotay was amazed that Harry had lasted this long before grabbing him and dragging him back to Chakotay's quarters. Not that Chakotay minded of course. The last two weeks, ever since Harry's accident, had been the longest he could ever remember. First waiting to find out if Harry was going to live. Then if he was going to make a full recovery. And finally for the doctor to give Harry the all clear to return to duty and to resume his life. Not to mention having to control himself when ever Tom was around.

Tom had been at sickbay almost every day to check on Harry. But Chakotay knew that Harry hadn't received an apology from Tom for what he had said to Harry in the holo deck. And this strained their already fragile relationship. Harry had told him only the day before, that he had given up hope that Tom was ever going to say he was sorry for the things he had said. For Tom, it was like he had never said anything. And Harry couldn't take that.

So Harry had thrown himself 100% into getting better, if not to return to duty, then so he could make love to his lover, Chakotay. And now here he was, in Chakotay's quarters kissing him like there was no tomorrow. Harry was now kissing his way down his chest, pausing briefly to kiss, suck, bite, at his aching nipples before moving down further until he reached the waistband of Chakotay's trousers. Undoing the fastenings, he tongued the smooth flesh above. Dipping and swirling his tongue around the commanders sensitive navel and belly button. Nipping at a hip with his teeth, then lovingly licking the pain away only to suck on the same spot hard.

"Spirits! Oh, yes. Harry, please. Please stop."

Letting go of the skin he had just been paying attention to, Harry spoke softly letting his breath skim over the wet flesh he had been worshiping, and smiled when Chakotay shivered . "You want me to leave?"

"No. Oh no, never that. I just want you to stop teasing me and fuck me already."

Cocking his head to one side as if he was considering what the first officer had just said, Harry seared him with a look. "Then lets fuck." Giving Chakotay no warning he stood and walked into the bedroom.

Following meekly, if not eagerly, the older man quickly got rid of the rest of his cloths along the way. He entered the bedroom and lost his breath. Harry was laying stretched out on the bed, gloriously naked, stroking his fully erect member to greater hardness. Chakotay, almost forgetting what he was supposed to do, just stood there staring at that hard cock which was going to soon take him to familiar heights. It was only when Harry spoke that he remembered what to do.

"Chakotay. If you don't want to fuck, then I will leave."

Shocked into action, he almost leapt across the room in his hast to get to the bed and his lover. As it was, he completely missed the amused look in Harry's eyes. But that look was soon replaced with a smouldering passion aimed entirely at him, as he knelt on the bed between Harry's parted legs. Placing his hands at either side of Harry's waist he leaned forward and expressed his love for him in a tender kiss.

Soon both lovers were panting, and hands never stopped moving as they caressed each others body. The commander was now laying full length along the slightly shorter man. One of Harry's legs was wrapped around his waist, and his hips were never still, making Chakotay more aware than ever that it had been so long since they had been together. Finally when he thought that he could no longer hold back his orgasm, Harry broke away and turned him onto his back.

Getting the lubricant, Harry was soon ready to make love to Chakotay. But first he wanted to make sure that the commander was left in no doubt that he was about to be fuck. "Are you ready baby? Is your body aching for me to fill it? Aching for my touch? Aching for by big hard cock to fill your hot little hole and fill you with my cum?"

Moaning, Chakotay could only nod his head on the pillow. They both knew that he was aroused easily by dirty talk and if Harry talked dirty to him while they were making love, it was sometimes enough to send him over the edge. On one memorably evening he had come just from Harry talking to him.

"Say it. Tell me how you want me to fill you with my hard cock. Tell me that you want me to fuck you so hard that you wont be able to walk straight tomorrow." He leant down and took Chakotay's weeping cock into his mouth for a long, slow suck. "Tell me."

Whimpering when Harry moved away from his hard cock, he licked his lips. "Please Harry. Fuck me. Fuck me so hard that I wont be able to walk for a week. It's been ssooooo long."

Laughing under his breath, Harry quickly prepared his lover and add yet more lubricant to his weeping cock. Locking eyes with his soul mate, he lifted Chakotay's legs up till his hips were resting on his thighs. Taking his erection in his hand, he rubbed the head against the puckered entrance of his lover. Then he slowly pushed until he came to a stop within the hot body of his lover.

Both stilled as they absorbed the feelings their joining was creating. Chakotay started to pant, thinking that he had never been so fill in his life. Reaching over his head he grabbed the bared head board, and looking Harry dead in the eye he started to thrust his hips back down onto Harry's hard cock. Gasping Harry could only grip his hips at this unexpected assault.

Still keeping eye contact, Harry leant down and flicked at a nipple with his tongue. Taking a better hold of Chakotay's hips, he started thrusting into his lover. Slow at first, then deeper and harder. Whimpering, the first officer could only hold on to the bars as Harry pounded into him. He felt filled beyond his imagination and the love in Harry's eyes was just as soul touching as his touch.

When he felt it couldn't get any better it did. Harry was suddenly kissing him, his tongue taking him to new heights. Reaching between their sweat slick straining bodies, Harry took hold of Chakotay's cock. Sobbing now, he could only hold on to the bars as Harry continued to pound into him while he stroked his cock.

Then he was exploding in one of the most earth shattering orgasms in his life. Gripping the bars till his knuckles were white, he moaned into Harry's mouth as he thrust back down hard onto Harry's cock.

Harry pulled back and gritting his teeth, watched as his lover rode on the waves of his climax. Feeling the hot throbbing of Chakotay's cock as squirt after squirt of hot cum erupted out and onto his hand, and the continued squeezing around his cock was enough to make him come. Shouting his lovers name he thrust hard and came.

The black panther led him down the corridor. Left, right, right, left and then they were in the mess hall. No one noticed the panther. Nor did they pay any attention to Harry as he followed the big cat further into the room. He looked around, searching for something, anything that would tell why he was here. Turning his head, he saw his lover Chakotay standing there looking at him.

Smiling he started towards the commander only to stop short as he noticed the panther heading toward Chakotay. The panther paused and looked back over his shoulder. Then he looked back towards the commander and started to walk towards him. Harry couldn't help but watch as this happened. He tried to warn his lover, but he couldn't talk. He couldn't move. He couldn't do anything other than watch.

And then something magical happened. The panther kept on walking towards the first officer. Then he walked into Chakotay and was absorbed into him. The first officer shuddered then stood still. He looked up into Harry's eyes and smiled. He held out a hand and Harry knew that he had to take it. Walking forward, Harry raised his hand, reaching for Chakotay's hand.

But then he saw something at the corner of his eye, and he turned away from his lover. With a loud scream and a blinding burst of light, Voyager exploded into a million fragments, killing every one on board, including Chakotay.

With a cry of pain on his lips, Harry sat up in bed. Shaking, he took in deep breaths trying to calm his frantically beating heart. Feeling a tender hand on his shoulder, comforting him, he looked towards his lover. Seeing the concern in his lovers eyes almost made his cry. Pressing a soft kiss on his lovers lips, he leaned into Chakotay's embrace.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Just a bad dream. I'm alright."

"Your sure? Your still shaking like a leave. What was the dream about? Do you remember?" Chakotay asked while stroking a strand of hair back from Harry's damp forehead.

Remembering every blinding detail of the dream, he shook his head. "No. It was just a bad dream. Probable because of all the stress I have been going through lately. What with Tom and the accident."

Laying back down, Chakotay pulled Harry down so that he lay with his head on Chakotay's shoulder. Soothingly he continued to stroke Harry's hair, calming him. "You would tell me if something else was bothering you, wouldn't you?"

"Of course." Harry whispered, pressing a kiss to Chakotay's chest. He felt a renewed pulse of desire stirring in his belly again and knew that even though Chakotay would be a willing recipient to his advances, Harry felt that four times was already enough for one night. Sighing he snuggled closer to his lover.

"The Captain has you rostered on for the morning shift tomorrow. If you don't feel up to it, just say the word and I will organize someone else to take your shift."

Shaking his head, he yawned. "No. I've had two weeks off already. Anyway it can get pretty boring when you have nothing to do."

"Okay. But if you feel that you need more time, don't hesitate to tell me. I don't want you hiding things from me. Promise."

Laughing softly, he pressed another kiss to the skin under his face. "I promise. Now we have both got an early shift tomorrow, so I suggest we get some sleep. Night Baby."

A defeated sigh stirred his hair. "Night love."

Silence rained for a minute then Chakotay broke the silence. "If you keep on having these dreams, I want you to see the doctor. It could be something medical."

Swallowing, Harry nodded. "I will." He didn't mention to Chakotay that he had been having the dreams ever since they had become lovers. And that the dream was always the same. Voyager was destroyed and every one died. Chakotay died. But it wasn't that fact which turned the dream into a nightmare. No, it was the look Chakotay gave him just as he turned away. Betrayal. And no matter how many times he had the dream, no matter how many times he wished it to be different, it always ended the same. And Chakotay's last look stayed with him during his waking hours too.

Feeling the deep even rise and fall of his lovers chest as he slept on, reminded him that he had to get some sleep. After all he was on duty tomorrow and the Captain was expecting no less than his full attention to the job. Like every crew member. Closing his eyes he forgot about the dream and tried to get some sleep.

The next day Harry couldn't help feeling special. The Captain had made a little speech in the morning staff meeting for the senior officers. Neelix had given him an extra ... um ... treat. And every one was being extra nice to him. He knew that he had come very close to dying, several times in fact, but it wasn't until he saw all the concerned faces of the crew that he realized that he had a lot of friends. And that almost made up for the fact that he was losing Tom's friendship. And all because he had been honest.

He knew now that he shouldn't have told Tom that he was involved in a relationship so soon after he had declined Tom's own offer to take their relationship that one step further. He knew that if anyone was to blame for their friendship being destroyed, it was him. But that didn't stop the fact that Tom had been avoiding him for three weeks now. Oh, Tom would talk to him when he had to. But Tom wouldn't approach him unless he needed to. And that hurt even more than what he had said on the holo deck.

And now people were beginning to notice his absence from Tom's side. Just as they were beginning to notice that Harry would now eat his meals with someone other than Tom. Harry knew that B'elanna was getting annoyed with the situation as well. He had seen the looks she would cast him, then Tom. She knew that something was wrong but neither of them would tell her. And for B'elanna that was almost as bad.

The only one that Harry trusted enough to talk to about it was Chakotay. And maybe that was because the commander was the one who was caught in the middle. Harry hated himself for that. But he couldn't see a way around it. Unless .... No, he didn't want any one to know that he and Chakotay were lovers. At least not yet. He had enough to deal with, what with trying to stay friends with Tom and dealing with his dreams.

The dreams. God, he wished they would stop. He knew that the dreams would stop if he put all his trust in Chakotay and showed him his true self. But he couldn't. And maybe he didn't want to either. He had hidden his true self for so long now that it was almost believable that the life he was living was that of the real Harry Kim. But deep down he knew that it wasn't. And only he could put a stop to that.

"Doctor to Ensign Kim."

Harry was shocked out of his thoughts by the doctors voice. Tapping his com badge, Harry looked around the mess hall. It was now in between shifts so it was relevantly quite. "Kim here."

"Ensign Kim. We had an appointment for today. Do I have to tell you that are ten minutes late already?" Displease was abundantly clear in his voice.

Sighing, Harry made his way to sickbay. "Yes, I had forgotten but I am on my way now. Kim out."

A few minutes later and Harry was sitting on a bio-bed being scanned by the MEH. "So, ensign. How was your day?"

"Fine."

The MEH paused and looked at Harry. "Just fine? Come now. I want you to tell me about your day. What you did, what's happening on board, that kind of thing."

Harry saw that the doctor was serious and with a sigh, he started to tell the MEH about his day. What he didn't know was that while the doctor was indeed interested in learning about all the goings on that he couldn't access from sickbay, he was also checking to make sure that all the neural path ways in the brian were working as they were supposed to.

The doctor was so intent in listening to Harry talk about his day that he almost missed the unusual reading flashed across the tricorders screen. Puzzled he took another reading of the area he had just scanned. There it was again. *That shouldn't be there,* the doctor thought as he absorbed all the ramifications of what the tricorder was telling him. *It could only mean that Harry was born this way ...* His thoughts trailed off, as his eyes were caught by Harry's.

Harry knew instantly that his secret was no more. And the doctor knew that Harry knew that the doctor was now aware of this. Taking the tricorder out of the unprotesting hand of the doctor, Harry quickly read the information stored in the tricorder.

A few hours later, a tight lipped, Ensign Kim exited the sickbay, leaving behind a very quite doctor who would never tell anyone of what he had just learned about the seemingly innocent somewhat naive young man. A young man who he would never underestimate again.

Later that night Chakotay entered the darken quarters of his lover. "Harry?"

"Over here." A quite voice spoke up from the darkness.

Squinting, Chakotay made his way over to the voice. He found his lover sitting on the floor, looking out at the stars. Sitting down next to him, the first officer put a hesitant arm around his lovers shoulder. "Harry? Are you alright? Did something happen?"

Relaxing back into the commanders body, Harry shook his head. "I'm fine. I just get the feeling that my life isn't going the way I want it to and there is nothing I can do to stop it. And no matter what I do to stop or correct the path I am now heading on, the more I am pulled away from the path I want."

"Do you want us to stop seeing each other? Is that what this is about?" Chakotay asked hoping, wishing that it wasn't so. Harry was now a part of his life and without him in it , it was no life.

"God no. You are the only thing that is keeping me attached to my former life. But its the situation with Tom, the dreams, the accident, that is pulling me away from what I was. From what I want to be. Never you." Giving his lover a quick intense kiss, Harry looked out the window again. "Life is moving to fast. Changing so fast, that I don't know what to do. Will you help me? Will you be by my side as I try and fight what is going to happen to me? To us."

Worried now, Chakotay pulled the younger man into his arms, protecting him from the outside world. "I will always be with you Harry. If not at your side, then in your heart. For now and always. Remember that Harry. I love you, and no other will ever take me away from you. Ever."

Lifting his head, Harry saw that Chakotay meant every word. And he so wanted to believe in them but Chakotay didn't know what he knew. And there was nothing he could do to stop what was going to happen. Nothing.

Suddenly an overwhelming need to be one with his lover over took him. Twisting around within the arms that held him, he reached up and caught the lips of his lover. Frantic to be one with his lover, he quickly stripped the surprised but unresisting commander while his mouth and tongue took claim over Chakotay.

Just as eager as his younger lover, Chakotay pulled them down to the floor of Harry's quarters, not noticing the hard carpeted floor. Harry soon abandon the hot wet mouth of his lover and kissed his way down to the object of his desire. Standing proud, the first officers erect cock stood to attention, weeping its desire. Harry gave his lover one hot look then lowered his head and took his lover into his mouth.

Chakotay groaned and started to gently thrust his hips up into Harry's eager mouth. Arching his neck back when the younger man took in more of his erect cock than ever before, Chakotay lost all thought of complaining. A finger rubbing against his anus made him cry out in pleasure, wanting more. "Oh Spirits! Oh yes, please. pleasepleaseplease."

Harry lifted his head and keeping one hand wrapped around his lovers cock, stroking up and down, he waited until Chakotay opened his eyes and looked at him. "Do you want to come in my mouth? Or would you rather I fuck this tight little hole?" A finger sank further in, and was twisted one way and then the other. "Tell me what you want me to do? Ask and I will give it to you."

Licking his dry lips, Chakotay bit back a groan as the finger started to thrust in and out of his spasming hole. "My hole. I want you to fuck my tight little hole" groan, then whimper "Please, oh please. Harry, please fuck me." He knew he was begging and when he saw the answering light go on in Harry's eyes he knew then that he was going to be well and truly fucked.

Realizing a shuddering breath, Harry sat back up. "Turn over. On your knees, legs apart. On your elbows with head pressed to the floor." He grabbed the ever present tube of lubricant from a nearby chair and quickly prepared himself as he watched Chakotay hurriedly resumed the position Harry had requested. With plenty of lube on his fingers, Harry again pushed a finger into the commander, slowly stretching the tight hole. Then another finger joined the first, and with a moan, Chakotay began rocking back onto those fingers.

Harry almost came then, seeing his lover fuck himself on his fingers. It was a very erotic sight. Then holding Chakotay still with a hand on his hip, he added a third finger. The first officer shuddered and held still until all three fingers were inside him. Then with a gasp he slowly started rocking his hips, impaling himself on the fingers of his lover. "Oh yes. Oh yes. More, please Harry I need more. I need you" gasp "I need your large hard cock inside me." Moan "I want you to fill me with your cum. Please, I need you. Please."

Almost driven insane from Chakotay's words, Harry withdrew his fingers, and adding more lube to his dripping cock, positioned himself at the entrance of Chakotay's body. Placing the head of his cock against the stretched hole, he slowly pushed inside. What he hadn't counted on was the determination of Chakotay to be filled and fucked. With one backward shove, Harry was suddenly all the way inside of his lover.

Gasping with pain and pleasure, Chakotay held still for a moment, feeling Harry's hard cock inside of him, filling him. Tremors ran through his body, as pleasure swept through every never. Harry wasn't much better, feeling Chakotay's hot tight passage grip him with every tremor that swept him. Throwing his head back at the sensation, he started to thrust.

Slow and shallow at first, then hard, deep and fast. Slow and fast. Deep and hard. Fast and deep. But then the teasing came to a stop and all there was left was the two lovers and the pleasure.

Chakotay came up onto his hands, thrusting back onto the cock that was driving him crazy. "Oh yes. Harder. Harder Harry!"

Gasping, Harry blinked away the sweat that stung his eyes. "Yes sir!" And then his hips were a blur, as he thrust into to his willing lover as fast and as hard as he could. Chakotay was gasping for air as pleasure like nothing he had ever felt rocked his core. He just barely able to whisper his love before the world exploded and he came.

Feeling the shaking that took over Chakotay's body, Harry looked down at his lover and was lost in the sight of Chakotay coming. Body wet with sweat, muscles straining, he was a beautiful sight. A sight that Harry couldn't resist. With a scream he came, hard and furious into his lover. Over and over again.

"Well, after" pant "that I have" pant "only one complaint." Chakotay managed to get out in between gulping in air.

Harry, who didn't even have the strength to lift his head, was barely able to turn his head. "You have a complaint?"

"Just a minor one." Pant "Next time-"

"Next time? There's going to be a next time?"

"Hell yes! That has got to be the sex I have ever had the privilege of having-"

"You say that every time."

A pause. "Well, every time I mean it. As I was trying to say, I have only one complaint. Next time, could we please use pillows. My knees will never be the same."

Silence, then laughter erupted from Harry. Struggling, he sat up and looked at both of their knees in the darkness of the room. "Computer, lights at 20%." *That's better.* Both his and Chakotay's knees bore carpet burn and by the feel of his own knees he knew that they were both going to be sore tomorrow. "Oh baby, I'm sorry. I promise that as long as I remember that there is a bed or the couch nearby, I will use them."

After much effort Chakotay sat up. "If you remember? Harry, what kind of promise is that? I'm an old man remember, my old bones can't take the floor like yours can."

Harry stood and held out a hand to his lover. "Sorry. That wont wash with me. But for you I will make an effort. Now, lets go and have a shower and go to bed." Giving Chakotay a brief kiss on the kiss, he lead them to the bathroom. Soon after they were bed.

Caressing the arm that was wrapped across his chest, Chakotay ducked his head and gave Harry a lingering kiss. "You will tell me if anything was bothering you? I don't want any secrets between us."

As Harry's head was now resting under Chakotay's chin, he didn't see the deep shadow's in Harry's eyes. But he did feel the way he stiffened against his side. Then Harry relaxed. "Of course I would. There shouldn't be any secrets between us. Ever." And even though he was sure that Harry meant every word, he knew that there was something that Harry was holding back. But he wasn't going to push him. He would just wait until Harry decided when he was ready to talk. Until then he would be waiting.

Within minutes they both fell asleep. But the secrets that were held within still hung in the air, unspoken.