Title: Moments In Time

Author: Blindwolf

Rating: PG-13

Summary: What happens to the boys after returning to the Alpha Quadrant?

Warning: Character deaths off screen, not either of the boys, though.

Archiving: Please ask first; I'll probably say yes.

Disclaimer: All of Star Trek and the boys belong to Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended, no money being made.

Moments in Time
by Blindwolf

Taking a deep breath to compose myself, I turn to leave this place. I take a couple of steps and then I see him across the room. He's looking right at me, his dark eyes filled with pain, sorrow, and a thousand other things I can't name. I can't move, can't even blink, for his eyes have paralyzed me. I know he can see my soul in my eyes too and I want to look away but can't. Not won't, can't. His pain is pulling me, making me feel for the first time since I got the news.

Suddenly I see the guilt in his eyes and it hits me like a sledgehammer. He thinks it's his fault that B'Elanna and Miral are gone. He's wrong. I read the reports, I know. He did everything humanly possible to get there in time, risking his career to do so. I hope he knows that I don't blame him, that it's not his fault. I want to go to him, tell him so, but my feet seem to have grown roots.

His eyes change again; the guilt is less prominent now and I know he's read my eyes correctly. There are tears of relief and grief threatening to spill from his eyes and it's too much. I force my gaze up, to linger on his tattoo. A long-forgotten fantasy of licking that tattoo while he fondles me comes unbidden. Ashamed, my gaze shoots downward, back to his eyes. I see surprise, regret, and a hint of desire there. Does he know that I fell in love with him before B'Elanna? Is there a part of him that feels the same? Is that only desire in his eyes, or is there also love? I can't tell.

I can't take anymore and close my eyes, hoping to regain control. When I open them, Seven is beside him, their arms around each other. His eyes flash to mine, but his soul isn't there anymore. The emotions have been forced down somewhere deep inside him; all I see now is regret, sorrow, and apology. He looks away quickly, and I know he's seen the hurt, grief, and pity in my eyes.

The spell has been broken, so I pull up my defenses and run from this place as fast as decorum allows.

+ + + + +

The view outside the window is fuzzy and it takes me a moment to realize why. When I do, I dry my tears and continue to watch.

I don't know why I'm watching him wait for her. Masochism, I guess. He looks at his timepiece and runs his hand through his hair. Hair that I was running my hands through ten minutes ago. My hands itch to feel it again, and I can't help mirroring the gesture.

He rubs his arms to help against the cold and I remember his passionate caresses. To my dismay, my cock springs to life at the memory of the lovemaking we shared not an hour ago. No, not lovemaking. Not for him, anyway. For him it was just sex. I didn't know that until it was over, though.

He showed up out of the blue, almost two years to the day after the funeral. He said that Seven had decided she needed to do some sexual experimentation before marrying him and wanted him to do the same. He told me that was three months ago, and he seemed so heartbroken. I put my arm around him to comfort him. Yes, just to comfort him.

He leaned against me and started telling me how he'd always wanted me. He said he cared for me, told me all the things I wanted to hear. Then he kissed me. Just a light peck on the lips, and my heart soared. I have loved him for so long and never thought I'd have a chance with him. I didn't want to mess up this chance for us to make a life together by moving too fast and was about to tell him so when he kissed me again. A real kiss this time, desperate and full of passion.

When the kiss ended, I couldn't resist tracing that tattoo with my tongue.

The rest, as they say, is history.

When I came out of my post-coital fog I rolled on top of him, wanting to see his eyes when I told him I love him. The look in his eyes made the words die in my throat. I knew that look, I'd seen it before on other people's faces. It said this was just sex to him, so please don't complicate matters.

Then the computer announced an incoming call. It was Seven, for him. I listened enough to know that she was ready to set the date for the wedding and so was he. He arranged for her to pick him up, as she was close by. Coincidence?

As he dressed, he gave the usual speech about us staying friends, most of which I tuned out. I think I wrote that one, I've used it so much in distant years gone by. He invited me to the wedding, and I couldn't help the choking sound that came out of my throat so I plastered a grin on my face. Then he apologized for not making it clear that this was just casual sex and said he'd known that casual sex wouldn't be a problem for me. The man may as well have come out as called me a slut. I couldn't bear it, so I turned away from him. He must have sensed something was wrong, because he just stood there for a while before leaving quietly.

Now he's standing outside my house, in the cold, waiting for her. And like a fool, I'm standing here watching, hoping. Hoping for what, I'm not sure.

Suddenly he turns around and looks up. I swear he sees me in the darkened window and I can do nothing about it. Tears fall down my face and I make no move to wipe them away. His shoulders slump and I swear I can see shame on his face, though it's too far away. Maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me.

He takes a couple of steps toward the house and my heart does flip-flops. Then I hear the whir of a ground car and he turns around. It's her. He stands there for a moment before getting in and they leave. He didn't even look back.

When they're out of sight, I slump to the floor and cry myself to sleep.

+ + + + +

The official ceremony commemorating the tenth anniversary of Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant is finally over. I head out, hoping to escape before the private reunion for the crew gets underway. I have no desire to see any of them, it would only remind me of what I can't have.

I'm almost to the exit when Harry stops me. I haven't spoken to him in years and I find I don't want to now. He might see my pain if I did. I don't respond to his small talk, hoping he'll get the hint and let me go. When he asks why I haven't kept in touch with anyone, I make excuses even a three-year-old wouldn't believe.

Then he asks point-blank why I didn't come to Seven and Chakotay's wedding six and a half years ago. Harry wants to know if it's because of the one night stand Chakotay and I had. All I can do is blink. How many people did Chakotay tell?

Harry says that Seven knew beforehand and was okay with it; nobody will give me problems so I don't have to stay away. Everyone knows it was just casual sex and that I won't try to break them up.

I turn to run away only to see Chakotay, Seven, and what must be their two children standing right behind me. They must have heard everything. My eyes lock with Chakotay's and the emotions flash in his eyes too fast for me to catch. Finally his face settles into a portrait of remorse. I see the apology in his eyes and know he's finally figured it out. He knows now that I love him.

A noise catches my attention and I turn towards it, only to see Seven staring at me. She knows too, now. The three of us remain frozen, unable to move or even blink. One of the children says something and, as if on cue, they take their family and silently move away from me.

I don't realize that I'm crying until they turn away. I hurry out before Harry, or anyone else, notices. Not that Chakotay won't brag about making me cry over him nearly seven years after the event, but still.

+ + + + +

I finger the hypospray in my hands and a feeling of calm surrounds me. My pain will soon be over. That thought makes me smile.

I left everything to Chakotay in my will. There's no one else for me to leave it to; I have had no friends, no bed partners, and no lovers since B'Elanna, except him for one night. He won't have to do much, I've seen to everything. I don't know what his reaction will be. I hope it doesn't bother him too much.

After inserting the poison into the hypo, I take one last look at the beautiful sunset dancing off the water. I lean back against a boulder and say my goodbyes to the wind, knowing nobody is around to hear. I know there isn't anyone that will care that I've gone. It doesn't matter.

When I'm finished, I lift the hypo to my neck and a hand grabs me and yanks the poison away. I turn to face my attacker, angry at whoever would dare to interfere with this. When I see Seven holding the hypo, I'm stunned. Why is she here? Did she come here to stop my suicide, or is it coincidence? Gods, I hope she doesn't tell Chakotay about this.

Her face is as stoic as ever but her eyes are filled with compassion. She speaks, but I don't understand the words. I don't need to; the tone of her voice tells me that what happens to me matters to her, that she wants me to live. She cares about what happens to me. I don't know why, but I can't kill myself knowing that she would be hurt by it. She never meant me any harm, she just didn't know any better.

Suddenly I'm crying and I can't stop. She takes a step towards me but I jump backwards. I find myself begging her to not tell Chakotay anything, to forget all about this.

We hear his voice in the distance and I fall to the ground, sure that my humiliation will soon be complete. She tells me that she will not say anything about this and makes me promise that I won't try to end my life again before leaving. She takes the hypospray and poison with her, of course. I watch her disappear through the trees, certain that she will lead Chakotay away from this place.

When I finally get back to my house, there's a message from her waiting for me. It says that she's set up counseling for me, and if I want her to maintain her silence about my aborted suicide attempt then I will go. The first appointment is for tomorrow morning.
Great.

+ + + + +

After taking one last deep breath to brace myself, I enter the somber room and take a spot against the wall. I avoid looking at the caskets, instead scanning the room. Many of the Maquis from Voyager are here. I should have expected that, but I didn't. That will make this even harder, but I have to do this. I will say goodbye to my friend and leave.

Chakotay's up front, of course, trying to put on a brave front as he accepts condolences. He hasn't noticed me yet and I'm glad. I can't help seeing the grief pouring off him as he sits there, staring at the coffins containing the bodies of his wife and children. His family's gone now, victims of a tragic accident that took many others as well. I close my eyes in sympathetic pain.

A part of me wants to go to him, comfort him, and another part wants to run like hell. The part that wants to run like hell will win, but not until I've said goodbye.

Seeing that the room is only half-full at the moment, I gather my courage and approach her casket. I avoid looking in his direction. The casket is closed, but there's a picture of her on top and I find myself talking to her, thanking her for stopping me from killing myself that day four years ago. I tell her that the counseling has helped a lot, and that I know about the help she's given me in getting my new career as a holonovelist off the ground. Then I tell her that she turned out to be one of the best friends I've ever had in spite of the fact that we only spoke once since Voyager got home. I tell her I'll miss her, and then lay the white rose I've been carrying on her casket.

When I turn to leave, I realize I must've been speaking louder than I meant to because everyone is silent and they're all studying the fascinating carpet. All except Chakotay. He's looking at me with this totally shocked expression on his face and I realize that he
never knew about any of the help Seven gave me. She kept her promise and then some.

I feel the tears threatening to come again and shut my eyes to control it. When I open them again he's still staring at me. The grief is still there, but there's something else too. Something warm and longing. Desire? Need? What?

He moves towards me and I know. He wants us to share our grief over her passing, comfort each other. I can't. I don't trust him anymore, not with my heart, and even if I did, it would hurt too much. I turn away from him and leave without saying anything to anybody. He doesn't try to stop me.

+ + + + +

After taking one last look in the direction of Chakotay's house, I board the transport that will take me away from Darvon V. I make sure the vids I took for my latest holonovel are secure before taking a window seat. Just my luck, I have a view facing Chakotay's land.

I thought about looking him up while I was here, even started that way a couple of times. But I never made it there. Too much between us, I suppose. Still, I wish I'd had the courage to find out how he's doing. It's been three years since Seven and the children died. Has he found someone else?

Someone clears their throat and I turn to see him standing in front of me, silently asking permission to take the seat next to mine. All I can do is blink at him and he starts to fidget. When I look into his eyes I see equal parts fear and longing. I don't know if I want him to sit with me or not. I still can't find my voice.

His eyes fill with pain and I know he's taken my silence as rejection. He visibly deflates and turns away. My arm shoots out and grabs him of its own accord. He turns hopeful eyes on me and I find my defenses cracking. I smile and ask him to sit. His face lights up brighter than a child's at Christmas.

+ + + + +

A quiet snore tells me that my soul mate has fallen asleep and I turn to watch him sleep. He looks so peaceful and has a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. I don't try to stop the grin that spreads over my face.

He shifts position, laying his left hand on my belly and I stare at the wedding ring there. I can't help putting my own hand on top of his, once again seeing our matching rings next to each other. Once again happiness and gratitude for the gift of his love flows through me; I never thought I would ever have this. It was worth every bit of the pain I went through. I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm glad he agreed to wait for our wedding night to go 'all the way'; it made it so much sweeter. And I'm equally glad we were able to arrange a month-long honeymoon. We're going to need it.

My gaze travels up to his face and my hand follows. I slowly trace the sexy tattoo over his left eye with my fingers. When I'm finished, I lightly caress his cheek and chin. When I reach his lips he kisses my fingers and opens his eyes. They are full of love and joy and desire. I smile at him and a tear of happiness escapes. He leans up and kisses it away before claiming my lips and pulling me down on top of him.

I know we will have many happy years together.


THE END