Title: Software Error.

Author: Odon.

Fandom: Star Trek Voyager.

Pairing: Chakotay/Seven.

Rating: NC-17. Parody.

Summary: What REALLY happened between Seven of Nine and Chakotay.

Disclaimer: No profit is intended in the writing of this story. Star Trek: Voyager and all its' characters are the property of Paramount and Viacom.

Warning: This story contains coarse language and sex scenes between Seven and Chuckles. If this offends you . . . join the club!

Downloading and archiving are welcome as long as you credit the author.

Many thanks to Meagan for beta-ing this.

Software Error

by Odon

Commander Chakotay, his features deadpan with fury, stormed onto Holodeck Two.

"This time she's gone too far!" Voyager's first officer muttered. Kathryn might enjoy playing mothers and daughters with her, but as far as he was concerned Seven of Nine should have been disassembled long ago for Naomi Wildman to use as a Meccano set. Apparently that Borg had the impertinence to stick her tongue down the throat of a holographic representation of . . . himself! It was a severe breach of protocol to use holograms of actual crewmembers for one's sexual enjoyment. But as usual Seven thought Starfleet regulations were for wiping her Borg arse on.

Well two can play at that game!

"Computer," said the Commander to the empty holodeck. "I want you to create a roll of toilet paper with a copy of the Starfleet Regulations printed on it! On second thoughts belay that; I've got a better idea. Create one holographic representation of Seven of Nine for sexual relief purposes. Authorisation Chakotay Angry Bear."

"There are currently one hundred and forty holograms of Seven of Nine on the database created for the purpose of sexual release," intoned the computer.

Chakotay blinked in surprise. It looked as if Seven wasn't the only crewmember wiping their arse on Starfleet protocols! His face took on an evil grin. "Computer, display Seven of Nine hologram created by . . . Ensign Kim! Authorisation Chakotay Sly Fox."

A tall blonde in black leather and knee-high boots appeared and cracked a whip at the Commander, making him jump back ten feet. "Lick my boots you inefficient human!"

"Computer delete program!" he shouted in panic, and Harry's deviant fantasy vanished.

"Great Spirit!" Chakotay gasped. "We really need a Ship's Counselor."

A

sudden thought struck him out of the ether. "Computer, does Captain Janeway have her own sexual relief program of Seven?"

"Correct," answered the computer.

"Well that explains everything!" Chakotay raved, his wooden face struggling to express a tiny fraction of the outrage that he felt. "That's why I could never get my leg over with her! All that crap about Starfleet regulations and her fiancé and 'I'm the Captain and the ship must come first!'.

The truth is she's gay! I bet she never even had a dog either!"

Commander Chakotay was livid over how he'd been made to look a fool. Every time he'd gone on a spirit quest his ancestors, the Rubber Band People, had castigated him for being bossed around by a white woman. "The blood of countless native warriors runs in your veins," his father had said. "Why don't you just scalp her?" The only thing that had kept Chakotay from doing so was the hope that he might one day be allowed to shave the hair between Kathryn Janeway's legs instead. But there was clearly no hope of that now!

'Well if I can't have her,' Chakotay thought wickedly. 'I'll have her squeeze instead. And I don't mean that damned bartender!'

"Computer, activate the Emergency Sexual Relief Hologram (Seven of Nine version) of Captain Kathryn Janeway. Authorisation Chakotay Cunning Bastard!"

Seven of Nine re-appeared, this time dressed in her dermaplastic biosuit, though her hair was in two pigtails instead of its' usual tight bun. The Borg pouted at Chakotay with her full lips. "I've disobeyed another order. Do you wish to spank me?"

"I want you to 'copulate' with THIS!" Chakotay said, reaching into his pants and pulling out his Angry Warrior of Love (The Terror of Cardassia). Not even the Obsidian Order's best agent Seska had been able to defeat this mighty weapon of the Maquis. Even when Voyager had been in imminent danger of being taken over by the Botha in "Persistence of Vision", all B'Elanna Torres could think about was her long-held fantasy of being pleasured by Chakotay's Hyperspanner of Heaven.

Seven of Nine dropped to her knees before Chakotay's Sector 001, looked it in the eye and said, "Subunit of Commander Chakotay, state your intentions."

"Hey, why are you talking to my Great Totem Pole of the Equator?"

"You are of the male gender, Commander. I am merely addressing the part of your body that makes 99% of your decisions." The Borg studied Chakotay's limp penis and raised a metallic eyebrow in critical review. "In its' current state it is inefficient. It requires accelerated growth in my maturation chamber." Seven pulled the cock into her hot mouth and proceeded to suck the Commander off in a highly efficient manner.

Chakotay moaned helplessly as Seven engulfed his manhood with her perfectly formed lips. 'Send a subspace message to Starfleet,' he thought, paraphrasing Picard. 'I am engaged to a Borg!' he first officer's face was impassive with ecstasy as he felt the love juices building up in his organ, ready to spurt endlessly into that mouth that sucked like the subspace sinkhole that had swallowed up Tuvok and Paris in "Gravity". "Prepare to fire photon torpedo!" he roared, ready to blast Seven all the way back to Borg space. It had been a long time since he'd last gotten his rocks off! (Well not that long, but Chakotay had forgotten all about that business with Kellin in Unforgettable").

Suddenly however the pressure on his groin was released. Chakotay opened his eyes in surprise to see the former drone wiping her lips and saying, "Computer, deactivate Seven of Nine hologram."

"What are you doing?" Chakotay protested. "I was just about to come!"

"That is why I desisted," Seven answered coldly as she de-materialised. "I do not require liquid supplement at this time."

THE END.