Author: Anne Higgins
Pairing: Obi-Wan/Qui-Gon
Category: Humor, definitely humor
Rating: G
Warnings: I wrote this and posted it to SWAL when I first got interested in the fandom. It is dated fluff, but it might as well be on the usual archives. What the heck.
Beware Notions That Pop Up at Midnight
by Anne Higgins
Author was depressed. Oh, the pain of finding a glorious new fandom with two hunky guys only to have one of them killed at the end of the first movie! Darned Lucas, anyway, couldn't he have let Qui-Gon survive at least until part two?
"And I do so HATE Death Stories," she sighed.
There was a stirring in the air and she looked up to see. ... Well it was either the two Jedi she'd been moping about or the actors. As both occurrences were equally unlikely, she decided this must be one of those Muse things and guessed the characters had come to call. "Damn, not again."
"I beg your pardon," Qui-Gon Jinn said, looking quite foreboding with all that height (it was far from Author's fault that she was a shrimp.)
"Umm, sorry," she said quickly, noting that the Jedi Master was not only very tall, but armed with his lightsaber. "How can I be of assistance?" She swiftly added with a sunny smile. She also made a mental note that the younger Jedi looked quite cuddly.
Behaving like a proper figment of her decidedly warped imagination, Qui-Gon reached over and drew Obi-Wan Kenobi into his arms. The Padawan did his part, cuddling up to his Master, but both of them continued to scowl at Author.
"What? What?" she demanded.
"We wish you to stop moping," Qui-Gon told her. "It disturbs the balance of the Force."
"But I hate Death Fandoms," she wailed.
Qui-Gon gave her a look of disgust that struck her as decidedly unJedi-like. "Then fix it."
She glowered. "But I don't like always doing AUs. I like to play with real time lines sometimes, and if I do that, you die."
"Fix it," he repeated, his lion-like features – Author took a moment to wonder if one could use an Earth creature to describe a character from a galaxy far, far away, but that gave her a headache, so she forced her attention back to the Jedi – adding a 'you are being dense' aspect to his impatience.
"I can't fix it. You died. Your Fate Has Been Written. You have to do the ghost Jedi thing."
"Who says?"
'Who says?' Do Master Jedi's use that sort of language? She shook herself. "George Lucas."
"Oh, him. He's not doing his version of what happens next for two or three more years. You've got plenty of time to do your own take on things."
"But you died. Obi-Wan cried over you."
"And looked adorable as he did so," Qui-Gon agreed and gave his apprentice a little kiss to reward him. "But what difference does that make?"
"It's canon," she said, ignoring the few bars of sacred background music at the use of the word. "You are dead."
"I'm in a science fiction movie."
"Dead, deceased, out of it."
"Blakes 7."
Oh, now that was playing dirty.
"EVERYONE died at the end of that, but I believe a good half of the Blake/Avon fiction is set after the deaths. Is any of that considered AU?"
"Well, no, but they were all just stunned."
He gave her another one of those looks. "Did not the actor who played Blake say he wanted the character to be dead?"
"Yes, but he doesn't count."
"But Lucas does?"
Author was beginning to feel manipulated. Had Qui-Gon been taking lessons from Methos? "Umm, but ... but you had a funeral!" She felt a brief moment of triumph, then groaned, knowing what was coming.
"Spock."
"I knew you were going to say that."
"I don't believe Kirk had to live without his lover for very long and our movie didn't even have a former Babe in it."
"Now, wait a minute!" Obi-Wan exploded, suddenly entering the conversation. "First you say I'm no longer your Padawan and now you're telling me I'm not the Babe of the movie?"
It was now time for Qui-Gon to squirm. "Calm yourself, Padawan."
"Don't try that crap with me!" Obi-Wan bellowed. Levitating up enough to stand nose-to-nose with his former Master, he demanded, "Who the hell were you eyeing in the movie if not me!"
"Don't be disgusting. You were the only one over the age of consent in sight."
"Captain Panaka was kind of cute."
Qui-Gon scowled, his dark blue eyes flashing green. He seized Obi-Wan, then kissed him senseless. That accomplished, he turned back to the author. "You see the problem? He's losing his grounding in reality. I need to be alive to keep him on his path."
"But --"
"Oh, come on! There has to be a least a dozen ways I can really be alive."
Author gave him a 'name one' look.
Qui-Gon smirked. "My funeral was staged to make the Dark Lord think he'd succeeded. All part of an elaborate trap."
Author scowled. Yes, that would work. But she hated it when her characters told her what to do.
Obi-Wan, having recovered from the kiss, gave her the once over, seemed to sense what was coming, then turned to his beloved. "Master," he purred.
"Yes, my love?"
"I picked up some information in my travels that might be helpful here."
"And what is that?"
"Hot monkey sex cures all."
"What is 'hot monkey sex'?"
"Allow me to demonstrate." Suddenly clothes were flying every which way. Author even had to duck to avoid being bopped in the head by a discarded lightsaber. Then two gorgeous men began to move together.
Author watched amazed, even as her brain wrote:
*And so Qui-Gon Jinn died. But he got better. ...*
End