Hanging Heart
Author: Ornery
Fandom: Phantom Menace
Pairing: Qui/Obi
Warnings: Pre-TPM, established relationship, angst.
Rating: PG-14
Summary: Qui's been spending enough time with Mace to make Obi think he doesn't really love him after all.
Disclaimers: The song LOVE YOU INSIDE OUT belongs to the BeeGees, TPM belongs to George Lucas.
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Hanging Heart
By Ornery
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***Baby, I can't figure it out:
Your kisses taste like honey.
Sweet lies don't gimme no rise:
Oh, oh what you're trying to do?
Livin' on your cheatin' and the pain grows inside me:
It's enough to leave me crying in the rain.
I'll love you forever but you're driving me insane
And I'm hanging on...***
Obi Wan stared at the computer monitor at the message from his master. Once more Qui Gon was with Master Mace, as he had been every night for most of a month. The pain that tore through his lean, hard muscled form shook him to his core. Doubt surfaced no matter how much
he told himself that there was no way that Qui Gon would cheat on him. But glimpses of his master with Master Windu over the past several days had seemed so intimate…and in all that time Qui hadn't touched him. Not even once. He'd held firm in his belief in his master until today…until his training time had been cancelled. He'd commed his master when Qui Gon hadn't showed up and heard what sounded like Mace laughing in the background. Qui had been out of
breath, panting in fact. That's when he couldn't stop the doubts anymore. He tried to give the hurt over to the Force, had tried to Dance the pain away and anyone watching would have said he had never shone so brightly.
However, the padawan's heart hurt was thrumming so loudly through the Force that the on duty Saber Master had soon made him stop, meditate and then told him to return to the echoing cavern he'd once called home.
Across the Temple, Master Yoda raised his head as the ripples in Kenobi's Force Signature alerted him to the young one's despair. He waited several moments for the answering wave of reassurances that should have come from Qui Gon, but the answer never came. Yoda frowned as he asserted himself to sooth the boy himself. "Explore this I must." He said to the empty room. "Good this is not."
It didn't feel like home anymore. He stared at the door of the bedroom he'd shared with Qui Gon for over a year, before silently entering it to remove his possessions and return them to his old
room. He tried unsuccessfully to meditate again. His hurt was too intense, and he knew he couldn't ask for help this time. He didn't know what he was supposed to do anymore, he knew he had several years yet as an apprentice. He sighed, fighting tears as he gathered his books and headed for his afternoon classes.
***Oh, oh, I'll win, I'll never give in
My love has got the power.
Too many lovers in one lifetime ain't good for you.
You treat me like a vision in the night: Someone there to stand behind you,
When your world ain't working right: I ain't no vision.
I am the man who loves you inside and out;
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out
I love no other way: What am I gonna do if we lose that fire?***
By the end of the second week, when Qui hadn't come to the number four Salle for practice, Obi had managed to go to a different salle every day, always notifying his master as to where he was. But he'd begun to wonder if Jinn was going to show up during his training time or not. Sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't. Obi had decided to wait this out. He didn't know why his master was doing this to him, or why his training was suddenly of so little importance. All he knew was that he loved Qui Gon, and that just because his master was faithless didn't mean he had to be, too. Besides, he ought to be used to getting hurt by now, right? Just because the older man seemed to
want to be anywhere except with Obi didn't mean the eighteen-year-old boy couldn't pick up a lot of learning on his own if he worked at it hard, did it?
So, Obi did just that. He took the most difficult classes he could to keep from dwelling on the fact that Qui hadn't spent two nights in a row in their quarters in seven weeks. He also signed up for the Light Saber Advanced Techniques class Yoda had decided to teach, since he knew it would take every scrap of energy and concentration he could muster. He chose not to dwell on the fact that there was some comfort to be found in the presence of his master's Master. At least he'd get
the skills his own master no longer had time to teach him. Or no longer wanted to.
Obi Wan had begun to avoid speaking altogether unless he had no choice. He avoided his friends, working much harder than was healthy for him in an effort to prove to his absent master that he was worth teaching. He had taken to talking aloud in the quarters he now had virtually to himself, speaking to the air as though it would answer him. Gradually, he began to speak desperately to his absent master, pretending that Qui Gon was there.
*****
Yoda was disturbed by the sheer strength of Obi Wan's shields. No padawan not on a mission should need such strong barriers…so the old master began to do what he did so well. He began to snoop. Obi Wan was shielding mostly against Qui Gon's Force Signature. He didn't seem to mind Yoda's probe, altering his shielding for the old master without allowing the same for his own.
Yoda didn't like what he discovered at all. Sighing he petted the by then kneeling, sobbing padawan spiky hair. The boy's hurt was too severe for release without aide. He tried to calm the boy, but failed for the first time in many centuries to do so. Yoda felt the first tendrils of alarm when he identified the ragged signature of a fully formed but badly damaged Lifebond stretched to near the breaking point. He brought his formidable abilities to bear to strengthen the Bond itself before it snapped.
"Release pain you must, Obi Wan." The old Jedi told the padawan gently, looking compassionately down at the bowed head he still stroked. "Cry, scream, sing…some way you must release the build up. Or go insane you will."
//"Sing?"//
"Can help, music can. If of right kind."
//I don't think I can, Master Yoda..//
"Love him, you still do."
//Yes//
Yoda sighed. "Lifebonded to him, you are."
//Are lifebonds supposed to hurt this much?//
"No, padawan. Hurt they do not. Strain on Bond, causes hurt it does. Your bond is strained much." Yoda gave the young man a gentle hug, and the ancient Jedi felt his grand-padawan shudder under his touch. "Came to me you did. Knew I would See you were not well, you
did."
//I needed training.//
"Qui Gon trains you not?"
//….//
"When last did he train you?"
//I don't remember. I kept switching salles so I could be taught many things by many masters. They think me zealous.//
"And so they must, when escape into the Force you seek, since meditate you can not." Yoda put his right claw under Obi Wan's chin to lift the pale face and tear filled eyes. "Only access you have now to the Force, with lightsaber to channel?"
//Yes sir.// And the bright head bowed in shame this time.
"No! No shame, young padawan. Your fault this is not. Need your master, you do. See to this I will. Something to answer for too, has Master Windu. Blind to this he can not be. Wants Qui Gon he has. Wants, but loves not, does Mace. Jealous he is." Yoda informed the sorrowing boy. "Confront him I will. Dance you will, release your hurt if you can."
He gestured for the five other masters in the salle to attend him, sharing what he had learned in lightening fast mental images, ordering them to keep an eye on Kenobi until his master could be
informed of the situation that had gotten so out of control. He stayed as Obi Wan began to Dance. This was no known Kata that he Danced, this was a Dance where the moves were of sheer agony of soul. They were the moves of a lost young man trying to release emotions he could not control, but didn't know how to let go of.
It hurt to watch him. And several of the Masters began to swear under their breath as they began to realize what had caused that hurt, reaching to pull their own padawans close without realizing it.
How dare Mace deliberately blind Jinn to the state the boy was in?
***Too many heartaches in one lifetime ain't good for me.
I figure it's the love that keeps you warm,
Let this moment be forever; we won't ever feel the storm.
I ain't no vision, I am the man who loves you inside and out:
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out.
I love no other way: What am I gonna do if we lose that fire?***
Then he sent for Mace and Qui Gon.
"Proper preparation for this mission is essential, Yoda." Mace insisted. "The lad must take care of his own classes for a few weeks, he's capable enough."
"His lifemate Obi Wan needs…tell me you will, Qui Gon, why seek comfort from me, does Obi Wan? Hmmm? I, who his Master's Master, was? What he should learn from his Master, comes to me for, Obi Wan does. Hurt him, you have. Badly. Thinks you love him no longer, he does."
Yoda told him.
"No…" Qui whispered in horror. "No. SHOVE the mission, Mace. Why don't you go? I TOLD you this was the wrong way to do it, but you had to pull rank didn't you?"
"Thinks you two are together now, too, the padawan thinks. Believe himself by you betrayed, he does." Yoda continued. "Speaks to no one, does Obi Wan. Has not, in many weeks. Worried the Teaching Masters are, worried I am, also." Yoda handed his former padawan a *Look*. "Trains hard, too hard, will collapse soon, I think. Learned much, he has. No longer pleasure he takes in his learning. Only with lightsaber in hand, Dancing out the hurt does he touch the Force now.
Meditate he can not. Tried to guide him I did. Failed also, I did. Five centuries it has been since last I have seen , so hurt a Jedi, young or old. He has little heart to go on, padawan. Windu's fault
this is. Blinded you he has. To the boy and to the time that has passed. Could not remember the last time you had taught him, Obi Wan could not. Deliberately, Master Windu has done this."
"Mace…but why?" Qui Gon didn't question his former master, opening his senses to trace Obi Wan's signature…finding it in Salle number ten. He reeled from the sheer volume of pain radiating from the lad. "How dare you?"
"Jealous he is. To rest of Council this crime shall go. Evicted from the Temple, no doubt, he will be. Turned he has." Yoda had clamped down on the other Council Member with the Force, proving his strength in it without words. Within moments Temple Guards and several strong
masters had arrived to put a Force Null collar on Windu. Then they escorted the Turned Master to the Temple Brig.
***Don't try to tell me it's all over: I can't hear a word I can't hear a line:
No man could love you more and that's what I'm cryin' for!
You can't change the way I feel inside:
You're the reason for my laughter and my sorrow.
Blow out the candle; I will burn again tomorrow.
No man on earth can stand between my love and I.
And no matter how you hurt me, I will love you till I die
I ain't no vision, I am the man who loves you inside and out
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out.
I love no other way: What am I gonna do if we lose that fire?***
Qui Gon watched his padawan fly, he'd been aerial now for more than two hours. Not once had his feet touched the matts in Salle #10. He didn't use the rings or any of the other equipment, either. He just stayed airborne, lovely in his pain, Obi Wan flew. He had faced the outraged scowls of five other master, two of which were year mates of his and Mace's. He quietly updated them, tears filling his blue eyes as he listened to the Force itself sing his Mate's thoughts aloud as
soon as it registered his presence near the young man.
He suddenly realized this wailing song had been whispering in the back of his mind for weeks, and that Mace had somehow managed to block the warning. Two seconds later the Master joined his student in the clear air above the salle. He took the oblivious man in his arms and got him to the floor. Obi Wan looked right through him, not believing he was there.
"What have I done?" He whispered as he lifted the youth into his arms to take him home and realized Obi had not been eating, either. He felt like he'd lost at least fifty pounds.
END PART 1
____________________________________
Full Lyrics to "Love You Inside Out"
LOVE YOU INSIDE OUT
- The Bee Gees -
Baby, I can't figure it out:
Your kisses taste like honey.
Sweet lies don't gimme no rise:
Oh, oh what you're trying to do?
Livin' on your cheatin' and the pain grows inside me:
It's enough to leave me crying in the rain.
Love you forever but you're driving me insane
And I'm hanging on….
Oh, oh, I'll win, I'll never give in
Our love has got the power: Too many lovers in one lifetime
ain't good for you.
You treat me like a vision in the night; someone there to stand
behind you
When your world ain't working right
I ain't no vision, I am the man who loves you inside and out;
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out
I love no other way: What am I gonna do if we lose that fire?
Wrap myself up and take me home again:
Too many heartaches in one lifetime ain't good for me
I figure it's the love that keeps you warm
Let this moment be forever; we won't ever feel the storm
I ain't no vision, I am the man who loves you inside and out
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out
I love no other way: What am I gonna do if we lose that fire?
Don't try to tell me it's all over: I can't hear a word I can't hear a line:
No man could love you more and that's what I'm cryin' for!
You can't change the way I feel inside.
You're the reason for my laughter and my sorrow.
Blow out the candle; I will burn again tomorrow.
No man on earth can stand between my love and I.
And no matter how you hurt me, I will love you till I die
I ain't no vision, I am the man who loves you inside and out
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out.
I love no other way: What am I gonna do if we lose that fire?
END