Title: Jedi at the Gate

Author: Chat Noir

Fandom: Star Wars the Phantom Menace- slash

Pairing: Obi-Wan/ Qui-Gon

Rating: Humor, PG-13 ?

Status: complete

Archive: WWOMB

Other Sites: Master_Apprentice

Disclaimer: These characters were used without permission from their creator, George Lucas. No harm or infringement was intended, just a little fun.

Summary: A different view of the duel scene in TPM

Jedi At The Gate

By Chat Noir

The three warriors charged through the narrow hallway. The first two, a tall, long-haired jedi and a shorter, red-skinned and horned sith clashed their lightsabers furiously as they moved into the corridor. Behind them, a lithe young jedi raced to join the fray. Just as the tunnel completely enclosed them, a humming noise began to emanate from the machinery housed in the walls of the corridor. Lights flared and beams of red force shot out between the walls, isolating the combatants from one another.

Their battle disrupted, the ancient enemies were compelled to stall their fighting until the electronic barriers were lifted. Senses stretched out along the lines of the force to ascertain the solidity of the laser walls. When each man was certain that he was effectively trapped, all three

began to reflect on his own particular situation.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's thoughts: *I must reach my master. He needs my assistance. I must be prepared to move at top speed the instant the barrier is released. Got to stay alert. Watch for any movement. Focus on the force. Qui-Gon is so far ahead. I've got to be ready*

Darth Maul's thoughts: *These barriers will not deter me. The instant they are gone, I shall rejoin the battle with even greater fervor. First the old man, then the boy. Revenge will be mine*

Qui-Gon Jinn's thoughts: *I've got a bad feeling about this*

Obi-Wan *Gotta keep moving. Keep limber. I must be ready in a split second. I can't let my master down. Avoid cramping, that's important. Jogging, yes, it will keep the blood flowing. Left leg, right leg, left leg, right leg…*

Maul *Why is the blonde one hopping? What is this? Oh, great. Now the old one's kneeling. Is this normal? I mean, no one told me about this kind of stuff. All I got was 'Go reveal yourself to the jedi, seek revenge.' Nothing about this crap. My mission briefing never said anything about

force beams or dancing jedi. Sidious has a lot of explaining to do on this one*

Qui-Gon *I've got a really bad feeling about this*

Obi-Wan *I've got to figure a way to get to Qui-Gon as fast as possible. I must time it exactly, perfectly, down to the letter. By observation of the first movement of the force beams, perhaps I can extrapolate a timetable for the barrier change. Concentrate. Right leg, left leg, use brain,

right leg, left leg...*

Maul *Not that I even got to reveal myself to the jedi really, I mean, I just stood there and all of a sudden they're shucking their robes and making like they're ready for the battle royal. I spent a lot of time on my speech too. But did these guys care? Hell, no! They're like, 'Hey, a sith lord.

Let's get it on.' Who made up all that crap about jedi doing the defense-only thing, anyway? What a crock of shit. My revelation was priceless, too. Actually, it still is. 'Attend me ancient enemies and heed my warning….'*

Qui-Gon *I mean, really, really, really bad*

Obi-Wan *OK, at an assumed rate of ten micro glornks per second, the beam would make a rotation in approximately two chronos, barring mechanical failure or extraordinary wind resistance. If my speed, which at its best is clocked at approximately twelve parsnips per lurfet, holds and assuming good traction from my boots and taking into account the ankle sprain I had

three months ago and counting the weight of my clothing as negligible and…*

Maul *…Now stand you forth to do battle as we surely must.' Yes, quite good. If I do say so myself. And I suppose I must, since no one else got to hear it. Stupid jedi*

Qui-Gon *Not one of those ordinary 'bad feelings,' mind you, but more of a big-ass, humongo-jongo, planet-shaking, knees trembling, hair-standing-up-on-the-back-of your-neck, goose-pimply, hiding-in-the-corner-clutching-your-stuffed-wookie kind of bad feeling*

Obi-Wan *Hang on a minute, here. Master Qui-Gon is not limbering up, or even standing for that matter. He's meditating. Uh-oh. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong. Crap. Well, I can't switch now. The beams will change any second and besides I'd just look like a copy cat or something*

Maul *At least the little one has stopped bouncing. Crikey, I was getting a headache from all that. Ooh, what's that? Ouch. A peanut shell between my teeth. Ow, ow. Wait, there, got it. Phew. Oops, the young one is looking at me funny. Did he see that? Better cover it with an evil

sneer. Yeah, that always works*

Obi-Wan *Hey! That sith weasel is snarling at me. Well, how rude. Granted, we're enemies and all, but jeez, show a little decorum. Uncouth dark side trash*

Qui-Gon *I know I should be mindful of the living force, but I don't think I want to know what it is telling me just now. Perhaps if I don't listen?*

Maul *It's the lack of companionship that bothers me most, really. I mean, sure, there can be only two sith lords at a time. But you know, sometimes a guy just wants to talk, hang out, maybe do a little shopping with his buds. Is that so wrong? I mean Sidious tries and all, but he's always so busy with the senate, the campaigns and the plots for galactic domination, not to mention the interns. I just need a little together-time now and again*

Qui-Gon *I'm sorry, force, but Qui-Gon can't hear you right now, he's washing his hair. Yes, I'm sure it is important. Doom and gloom? Well, just leave a message, he'll get back to you*

Obi-Wan *My master certainly looks serene. How does he do it? I could not begin to meditate so purposefully at a time like this. Such command of the force, such reserves of strength and patience, such broad scrumptious shoulders…*

Maul *Of course the two sith at a time plan does have its advantages I suppose. No competition. Every apprentice graduates at the top of his class. Individual instruction. No one borrowing your clothes… *

Qui-Gon *I can't hear you, force. La La La La…*

Obi-Wan *...long, muscular legs with steely thighs like the trunks of small trees. Those powerful, sculpted arms. Firm, rounded buttocks…*

Maul *Of course there is something of a ceiling on advancement. Oh sure, overthrow your master and take an apprentice then you're top dog. But, it's just kind of short sighted, is all. I mean, one move upward, and you've got nowhere else to go. Yeah, there's always that 'take over the galaxy and be supreme warlord or emperor or high potentate' but honestly, is that a realistic goal? I mean, maybe if we didn't kill off our mentors, we could create more middle management positions. Give us something to strive for besides being the one all-powerful muckedty-muck. Like that could ever really happen*

Qui-Gon *All right, that's it. Force, you're full of shit. Just because you're giving me the heebee-jeebees doesn't mean anything. I mean, you told me Anakin would be a great jedi, but you screwed up and told Yoda and the council he was evil. Obviously you are not infallible. I choose at this point to ignore your erroneous warning*

Obi-Wan *…licking me from head to toe. And then I'll get the marshmallows and, wait! Must concentrate! The beams will be down soon. Must make ready. Ready for marshmallows and rope. Oh yes, it's not the same without the rope…*

Maul *I suppose I should have gone to law school like my dad always wanted. I just didn't think I was willing to stifle my creativity like that. And all that schmoozing and networking. At least in an organization of two, there is only one butt to kiss. Besides, I could never be cutthroat enough to be a lawyer*

Qui-Gon *Ha! I laugh at you force and your silly precognitive warnings! I pay you no heed. I have seen you for what you really are, a psychic network phone operator with delusions of grandeur!*

Obi-Wan *…then after he dries off, we'll put on our Zorro costumes and, Wait! Wait! Must concentrate. Stay limber. Limber, oh yeah, like doing that backbend trick…*

Maul *I think I feel a yawn coming on. That won't do. Maybe I can disguise it as another grimace…*

Qui-Gon *Yes, I truly feel confident. I have never felt more certain of any thing in my life. I will triumph!*

At that moment, the humming began again and within seconds the beams began to dissolve.

Obi-Wan *Here we go…*

Darth Maul *Here we go…*

Qui-Gon *Oh, shit*

The end