Title: Final Debt

Series: Pain and Honor 1

Date: April 2, 2000

Author: Rauhnee Ranshanka

Email: GateKat@Transfur.com

Fandom: SWAT Kats

Parings: Jake Clawson/ Chance Furlong

Rating: R for Death and Violence

Codes: Slash (M/M), Death, Violence, Suicide

Status: New, Complete

Archive: Yes to WWOMB and DeathFic, others just ask.

Website: http://www.gatekat.net/index.html

Summary: Chance contemplates suicide.

Disclaimers: Not much left of them, but they ain't mine.



Pain and Honor: Final Debt
by Rauhnee Ranshanka
++++++++++++++

It is a beautiful thing, is it not?

It's just a simple knife, a throwing dagger my mother gave me when I was fourteen and an adult in my family.

It can be an end to the pain, the responsibility, the humiliation and blame. Of hiding and lying and hurting.

Of protecting those who can't. Of knowing I'm doing what's right, no matter the cost. Of feeling his touch, however fleeting.

But to stop hurting ... if only he could look at me like he looks at the jet, he loves that jet. Intimate with it in a way I can only imagine.

Is there nothing that doesn't lead back to the pain?

Please let there be *something* ... anything ... I can live with one good thing untainted by the pain.

Just one.

"Chance?"

His voice ... I can't take this.

"What are you doing?"

He's concerned ... of course he's concerned. You're sitting in the middle of the bedroom floor staring into space while Scardy Kat's on. Well answer the Kat.

"Thinking."

I don't believe my voice is that steady, now that he's within touching distance.

"Pretty blade ..."

What's he see now that has him scared?

Does it even matter?

Oh, gods, here it comes. Please don't touch me, I can't ... I can't ...

"No! Chance."

Now that's an odd tone to use with me, never heard him beg before.

Funny his touch doesn't hurt any more ... never thought it could be this easy to slit my throat ... felt it go through flesh and cartilage but less pain than living.

Maybe it's the choice been made. Pain doesn't matter any more. Figures I'd have to go this far to get him to kiss me and mean it, much less cry.

It truly figures.

Don't worry about me, Jake. I'm not hurting any more. Not ever again.

Goodbye, buddy.



End
Pain and Honor 1
by Rauhnee Ranshanka