Title: Everything Secret Degenerates

By Reets

ladeevix@yahoo.com

Fandom: Threat Matrix

Rated: Nc-17

Pairing: John Kilmer/Tim Vargas Kilmer/Atkins

Archive: Yes to Peja.

Warnings: Doing the dirty. Too much bubbly. A New Year's Wish found out.

Part 1 of ???? Not beta'd all mistakes are mine. Toss large cookies if you're angry, they don't hurt as much.


Everything Secret Degenerates
By Reets


Long lashes closed over dark chocolate eyes, head thrown back, throat exposed. John leaned forward and nibbled on the stubbled chin and kissed the tan neck as he slid deeper into his lover. It felt good, course it felt good. In and out of that slick, tight heat. Tim moaned at just the right times, undulated against him, clawed his back and begged for more and John would comply. But it was lacking. Sex yes, it was good, but it wasn't making love to someone. He was lost in that thought when the sweet brown eyes opened and looked up at him. "Sorry." He moved back letting the other man unfold himself.

"I'm the one that's sorry, I was close." John frowned and Tim nudged him. "Come on, tell me what's going on." John shook his head and wrapped the sheet around his lower half. "Is it Frankie?"

"No, it's not her."

"Then what, who? I know we only share a bed once in a while, but it's a bit disheartening when we're making love and you zone."

"Not love." He stood up and ran his fingers through his hair. "I don't love you." It sounded harsh, even to his ears and he cringed. "You don't love me. It's just.just."

"Just sex. I know, but I don't appreciate it when you zone out when we're doing it." Tim grabbed the sheet and half hopped, half stumbled into the bathroom. He slammed the door hard.

"I said I was sorry." After a few minutes Tim came back out, towel around his waist and tossed the sheet into John's face. "I deserved that."

"So, you want to tell me who it was you were thinking about, instead of me."

"I can't."

"Why not?" Tim sat down close.

"It's complicated."

"And this isn't? We shouldn't be in bed together boss, or did you forget that?"

"No, I didn't forget that." He held his head in his hands. "I enjoy our times together."

"But?" Tim took his hand and kissed his knuckles.

"This person is, well.unreachable."

"Use to think you were."

"Tim."

"No, seriously I never thought we'd hook up, let alone start a torrid affair." He smiled. "Who is this person that's captured your heart so completely?"

"It's someone I respect and I've admired for years. Hell there's no way he'd be interested and it would certainly be out of the question to have a torrid affair."

"I see." Their eyes met and he leaned forward and kissed Tim tenderly on the mouth.

"I should go."

"Why not call him invite him over for New Year's Eve, unless you and Frankie have plans."

"Frankie has plans and they don't include me."

"So call him." Tim watched as John got dressed. "Just invite him to dinner, nothing else. Or is he married, now that, my friend, would suck."

"No, he's not married. Not to a wife per say, to his job yeah."

"Ain't we all?"

"Guess so." John leaned over and kissed Tim again.

"Do I know this guy?"

"I'd rather not say."

"Really."

"Yeah, really. What about you, what are you doing for New Year's?"

"Nothing."

"Then you come over, have dinner with me, we can finish what we started tonight."

"What would be the point?" John frowned. "Okay, on one condition."

"What's that?"

Tim stood up and walked really close, invading John's space. "Make it really romantic, candles, nice rug in front of that fireplace, big ass telly to watch the ball drop, lots of bubbly."

John caressed the other man's face, he wished really hard at that moment that he felt more for him, but his heart belonged to someone else. The long lashes slid closed and soft lips kissed his palm. He closed his eyes and imagined someone else doing that. "Least I can do."

"What time?"

"What ever works for you."

"Well it'll take you some time to find that apartment and clean it up, so let's say 9ish."

"Yeah." They kissed and John felt the tension in Tim's body but dismissed it. "See you then?"

"Bye."

Tim sat down on the bed as he heard the front door close. He wiped the tear from his eye and sniffed. Maybe making John's dream come true would be enough to make him happy too. He picked up his phone book and made a call.

Two days later at 8:45 the doorbell rang. John had managed to cook a nice meal, he hoped it would make up for being such a shit the other day. He sat the pan of rolls on the counter top and hissed as his finger touched the pan. The doorbell rang again. "Coming." He stuck the offended finger in his mouth and pulled open the door. He knew Tim would just giggle at him for hurting himself trying to do something domestic. Now if he had a gun in his hand, now that roast would be in trouble. But when he opened the door, expecting to see dark brown eyes he was staring instead up into beautiful blues. He just stood there, his finger fell out of his mouth, but it remained open, his `kiss the cook' apron bunched in his other hand. "Uhhh."

"I'm not too early am I?" Colonel Roger Atkins made his way past the stunned man into the apartment. "Oh, I have a note." He handed John the note as the other man struggled to take off the apron and toss it onto the counter. He opened the piece of paper.

`John, I hope I'm right. Happy New Year. Tim.' "Well now."

"I read the note, not really sure what he meant, but here I am. Something smells wonderful." He lifted a pot lid. "Oh and I brought this." He handed John a bottle of wine. "I know you have bubbly, that can be for another night."

John took the bottle, reading the label as he did. "Nice."

"You were expecting a screw cap?"

"Not from you." John smiled. "What exactly are you doing here, sir?"

"Are you on duty?"

"Well, I didn't think so," John scanned his schedule in his mind, wondering if he had forgotten something important. "But of course if you need me."

"John, it's New Year's Eve, can't we just enjoy it?"

"Sure, sir."

"Drop the sir."

"Okay, Roger. You never answered my question. What are you doing here?"

Roger took off his coat and laid it on the back of a stool. "I thought that would be obvious." John's mouth opened but nothing came out. "Well, Agent Vargas called me, said you were having a sort of dinner party, and said I should come by." Roger looked around the room. "But I see the other guests haven't arrived. I am early, bad habit, sorry."

"No, no, it's fine. Cept for one thing."

"Yes?"

"There are no other guests."

"No other guests

"No," John opened the oven and retrieved the roasted veggies. "Frankie was busy, Mo was out of town, seemed like Tim was the only one available."

"Well, glad I could make it, but what did Vargas mean by him being right?"

"I'm not sure, but dinner's ready. Are you hungry?"

"Famished."

An hour later the food was finished and they'd finished off the first of several bottles of bubbly. Roger popped the second cork and walked into the living room where a small fire warmed the entire room. Candles decorated the shelves, tabletop and fireplace mantle and hearth. "You sure you were having a dinner party?" John lifted his glass for Roger to fill it and drank it down eagerly.

"Dishes are in, shall we?" He waved toward the couch, taking the bottle and settling it in an ice bath.

"Seems like you were expecting to have a romantic evening, something I should know John?"

John swallowed hard and looked up. "Only if you really want to, Roger." The older man smiled and raised an eyebrow. "Tim and I were lovers."

"Were?"

"Well," John poured another glass and offered to fill Roger's, it was turned down. "We've been getting together on and off for about three months. I think the note was his way of ending it."

"Getting together, you mean."

"I mean having sex, yeah. But that was all just sex, two people alone, lonely."

"I know the type."

John looked up into the blue eyes and almost smiled. "He uhhh, well I just couldn't do it anymore, he was upset. I just didn't feel that kind of passion for him."

"Couldn't perform."

"It was an act," he finished off the glass of champagne. "Nothing more. Just going through the motions, no love just hard bodies gliding together, he's a screamer." John poured himself another glass and froze as the Colonel's hand slid to his thigh.

"Are you?"

"What?"

"A screamer?"

His eyes slid closed and the hand slid higher cupping his engorged cock. Soft lips met his and he moaned into the open mouth, letting the older man take over the kiss. His hips were pulled forward. He felt as if he were floating, the warm heavy pressure resting on his body. His cock ached for attention but the Colonel busied himself by kissing him and just resting his body on top of John. When Roger pulled back a little and their eyes met they both smiled. "I ahhh."

"John, John, are you okay?"

"What?" He opened his eyes and Roger was standing over him.

"I went to the bathroom, I think you feel asleep."

"Oh God." He stood up and stammered a moment before Roger reached out a hand and steadied him.

"What's going on, John?"

"The conversation we just had."

"About?"

He gripped Roger's arms, "About me and Tim, I'm sorry about that"

"John you're not making any sense. I made a joke about this looking like a romantic evening and headed to the can. I came back you were dreaming, mumbling something I couldn't make out."

"Oh," John let go and stepped back. "Good."

"Look it's late, I should probably go."

"It's not midnight yet, at least toast with me."

Roger smiled and slid back down onto the couch. He accepted the glass of champagne and watched John closely. "You're as nervous as a school girl about to lose her virginity, something we need to talk about?"

"Not now, look it's almost midnight." They watched the ball drop then raised their glasses. "To a new year, full of possibilities."

"To honestly and the fulfillment of dreams." They took a sip and Roger leaned over and pressed his lips hesitantly against John's.

John gasped and pulled back, Roger was already off the couch and headed for his coat. "Wait."

"It's late."

"Roger please, don't go."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."

John stepped up to him and gripped his arm, spinning the older man. "I don't want you to go. I was shocked, yes, cause I figured it would be me making the first move, if it ever came up. I never dreamed you'd be here like this with me." Roger just stared at him for a minute.

"What was going on between you and Agent Vargas?" John sighed. "Spill, I know it was something more than friendship."

"We were lovers."

"For pity's sake John, he's your subordinate."

"And I'm yours." He leaned against the counter. "And I'm lonely, god." He hit it with his fist and turned around. "Tim was just a fling, just sex, just a warm body."

"And me?"

John laughed and just looked up at the cabinet in front of him. "You, sir have been the object of my obsession for many, many years."

"I see."

John turned then. "No, you don't see. I ruin every relationship I have because of it. I know it sounds crazy, we're just two soldiers. Can't do that. Can't feel that. Can't want that."

"Is this why Frankie left you?"

"She knew that I was attracted to someone else and I just couldn't stop feeling it."

"Did you want to?"

John met his eyes finally and shook his head. "Of all the people in my life I've always had you to count on, through everything you've been there. The attraction okay maybe it was infatuation to begin with. The power you had, you can't say you're not good looking. I just feel overwhelmed sometimes when I'm in the same room with you."

"Is that love, John or obsession?"

"Can't it be both? Or can't it at least start out as obsession and lead to love."

"Unrequited."

A single tear slid down John's cheek. "Story of my life."

"There's nothing wrong in feeling John. But you have to keep it under control. It could cost you your life someday, or that of someone you care about."

"I know."

"You're a good agent and a good friend. I can't risk losing either. Can you understand that?"

"Yeah."

"Good night, John. Happy New Year."

"Yeah see you Friday," His voice grew a little sarcastic "Sir." Roger nodded and closed the door behind him.


Homeland Security Ops Center

Colonel Roger Atkins was taking a phone call when Frankie Kilmer walked up; her arms crossed a worried expression on her usually calm features. "What's wrong?" He clicked his phone closed and took her elbow.

"It's John, he's not answering his phone, and I think I should go over there."

"Maybe, maybe not. It was New Year's last night, he probably had a party."

"I'm worried, it's not like him."

"Okay, I'll keep trying his phone, you get back."

"Sir." Atkins looked up at Jelani. "John's on the phone, I think you should take it."

"Kilmer, what's going on?"

"Sorry, sir. Sick can't make it in."

"Sick?" Atkins thought back to the bottles of champagne that were in John's apartment. "Okay, do you need anything?"
"Nahh."

Atkins held his phone and listened as John puked his guts out. He clicked off his phone and prayed that this terrorist alert went fast.

To his amazement his team cleared up the misunderstanding quickly and they were off for their day off. Atkins made it to John's place in record time.

He fumbled with the keys, he was the head of Homeland security, course he had keys to everyone's apartment. He opened the door and walked inside. The place was trashed. "John?" Nothing. "Kilmer, where are you?" A groan from the bathroom made him hurry and there leaning on the toilet was John Kilmer, solider, Special Agent for Homeland Security, former Special Forces officer. John moaned as he was touched and Atkins cursed under his breath. He tossed off his coat and suit coat and attempted to pick up the sick man. "Come on, gotta get up."

"Leave me, only keeps coming." John wretched again, but there was nothing in his stomach.

"Let's get you cleaned up, get something in your stomach for you to puke up."

"No."

"John, stop it, Stop being a baby."

"Dying, let me die."

"You're not dying, not while I'm around you're not." Atkins jerked harder, actually getting John off the floor. When he got a whiff he drew back. "Time for a shower." He turned on the water and peeled the t-shirt over John's head and pushed him into the shower.

"Jesus Christ!" John screamed as the cold water assaulted his body. "Are you insane?"

"Yes." Roger tugged the slacks from John's waist and dropped them with a wet squish to the tile floor. By this time John was heaving in the shower, bent over and gripping the sides. "Relax, take a deep breath, it'll pass." It did and John leaned against the wall, the water falling directly into his face. "There you go, feel better?"

"Little."

Roger managed to get him showered and turned off the water. "I hope you have clean clothes in here somewhere. I'm drowned too." He pulled out a robe from the closet and wrapped it around John's naked body and helped him to bed. He rubbed him dry and as his hands rubbed his stomach he could feel it lurch again. John just gasped and curled into a ball. "How much did you drink last night?"

"Don't know." He rocked. "Hurts." Roger sat down beside him and rubbed his back. He clicked open his cell phone and pushed a button. "Atkins here, listen I need a favor."

Roger thanked the doctor and headed back to John's room. He sat down and opened the black bag, pulling out a stethoscope. John's heart was fine, but his body was seriously dehydrated. The heaves continued and John couldn't keep anything down. He was cold, clammy and delirious. Roger started the IV drip and taped the needle down as best he could. Next he wrapped John's left arm in several magazines and tied them with ties. Hoping this would help immobilize it. John opened his eyes weakly.

"What's going on?"

"You're dehydrated, don't move this arm a lot." Roger adjusted the flow, hoping the pumping of liquids would restore John's health. "I have something else from the doctor, but it's not going to be pleasant." He held up a vile of medicine. John shook his head. "There is an alternative." Roger held up a sleek package.

"What's that?"

"Same stuff, makes you stop vomiting, only."

"Only what?"

"It's given rectally."

"Oh God." John turned on his side and wretched again, nothing coming up.

"Come on, try this." He clicked open the vile and made a face himself. When he offered it to John, John's stomach turned. "Okay, then we go this route." He pulled back the blanket and exposed John's lower half.

"No, wait."

"You're sick, either you let me do this or we go to the hospital and a big burly nurse will sit on you and do it."

"This is crazy." He doubled up again and turned to his side. "Oh god just do it."

"Right, got any lube?"

"What?"

"This is." Roger tore open the package. "It's rather dry, doctor says I should lube you up first."

"No."

"John."

"No, I don't have any lube."

"Oh, well baby oil, Vaseline?"

"Yeah, bathroom." Roger returned with the Vaseline, gloved up and yanked the blanket away again. John moaned. "Just keep that IV arm still, we'll get you through this." He took a large dollop and pushed it inside John's ass. The other man clamped down hard and grunted. "Relax John, it'll make it easier."

"Not exactly what I wanted up my ass when you were in the room."

"Really? If you can't handle my finger, can't handle much else."

"Bite me."

"Okay, relax now, the medicine's got to go in deep, really deep." He took the pill and coated it a bit then slipped it inside the puckered opening. John moaned and hissed. He pushed it deeper using his index finger, then his middle finger, two now pushing it deeper and deeper, touching a spot inside John that made him cry out. Roger smiled and pulled his fingers free. "There. You should start feeling better soon." He pulled off the glove with a snap.

"Right."

Roger busied himself cleaning up the apartment after he'd changed into some of John's sweats. The other man was finally sleeping and he heated up a few cans of broth for when he woke up.

"Roger?"

Roger hurried into the bedroom to find John sitting up, feet on the floor, trying to stand. "Hey, slow down, you're still weak."

"Gotta go."

"That's good."

"Now."

"Oh, okay." Roger untied the IV bag from the bedpost and held it up. "Let's go." John walked into the now clean bathroom and pulled up the lid.

"I can't."

"Still not enough fluids?"

"No, I can't with you watching me."

"It's either that or you go to the hospital where they can put a catheter in." The flow started and Roger smiled. John however looked mortified. "Feel better?"

"No."

"Well another bag of this, something in your stomach, you will." He helped him back to bed and slipped sweats on, a shirt was out with the IV in. "I've got something heated up, I'll be right back." He returned with the soup and spoon-fed John. After the mess was cleared away John was staring at him. "What?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"You have to ask after last night?"

"Yeah, especially after last night."

"Couldn't let one of my agents do himself in now, could I?"

"I wasn't."

"What would you call it?"

"Loneliness, despair, rage."

"Hmmm." Roger absently rubbed John's shin as they talked.

"You gonna fire me for sleeping with Tim?"

"Why would I do that?"

"You seemed totally appalled at the situation last night. At my having an affair with another man, another agent."

"I wasn't appalled, it's just."

"What then?"

"It's complicated."

"Seemed simple to me, you left, told me everything I needed to know."

"You ahh..." Roger was up now. "You said some strong things, things I needed to digest."

"And?"

"Well for one, you put me on a pedestal I wasn't sure how to respond to that. We're two humans John, humans that need other humans. There's nothing wrong with it."

"You left." A single tear escaped his lashes and Roger wanted to wipe it away, but John pushed it roughly off his face. "Why are you here now?"

"That's simple." John met his eyes. "Because I love you." John laughed a small laugh. "And because I love you, I keep you at arm's length." He sat down on the bed again, closer to John. "Do you know how hard it is for me to have you go off into dangerous situations? See on a vid screen you getting shot, hear the pain in your voice. Knowing that your next mission could take you away from me forever. Do you have any idea what that does to me?" John lowered his head. "You're a strong solider, great at your job, I can't lose that and I don't want to lose you." John reached out and Roger hugged him as tight as he dared. "I love you, John Kilmer."

"You don't know how good it is to hear that." John yawned.

"Get some rest, I'll change this and as soon as you can fill that pot, I'll take it out."

"Okay."

"You scared me John, don't do it again."

"Can't promise that, not in my line of work."

"It's bad enough when others do it, you don't need to hurt yourself."

"Understood." The kiss was soft, almost timid and when Roger pulled back he saw the longing and fulfillment of all his needs right there in that set of green eyes. He nodded and stood up.



END