Warnings: m/m, bad language, angst. For those easily squicked, this is *not* a death story, no matter how it *seems* to be going.

Gimme Danger
By Silk

Curt woke up with a start. Momentarily disoriented, he soon realized why the bed he was sleeping in seemed unfamiliar. He wasn't in *his* bed. Well, actually, he hadn't been in *his* bed since he'd been thrown out of his flat for non-payment of rent a few months back. But this...this was a hotel and a damned luxurious one at that.

He and Brian had taken turns making love to one another until they were
utterly exhausted and fell asleep in each other's arms. At first, Brian
appeared shy about reminding Curt of his promise to hold him all night long. But Curt soon disabused him of that notion, suddenly free to act on all the feelings so long bottled up inside him.

The bedroom was completely dark save for a sliver of light under the
bathroom door. Curt rubbed the sleep from his eyes and focused on the
crevice. Brian must be in the bathroom, he surmised. Throwing back the
covers, Curt jumped out of bed, landing lithely on the carpeted floor with feline grace. Padding barefooted to the bathroom, he began to smile, thinking to surprise Brian in the middle of peeing. Or wanking. That was doubtful, though, given the number of times they'd come, both individually and together.

He slowly pushed open the door, unprepared for the shock he received. The room was empty. Curt strode purposefully towards the oversized tub. It still bore traces of the last bath they'd shared. He knelt down and placed his hand on the marble bottom. Cold. It hadn't been used since he and Brian were there.

Struggling to quell a vaguely queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach, Curt stood up. Where was Brian? But maybe more to the point...was Brian safe?

Luckily for him, their clothes had been washed, folded and put away in a tidy basket outside the door of the suite. But wait, Curt thought, if the clothes were here, what was Brian wearing? And where the fuck was he?

Now Curt was starting to worry. He didn't care what vows they'd made to each other earlier. Their relationship was too fragile to stand much in the way of pressure. "Things were going okay, babe. Where'd you get to?" Curt muttered under his breath.

He pulled his clean clothes on hurriedly, trying not to let fear and anxiety take hold of him. Where would Brian go? Curt shook his head and his dirty blond hair fell around his shoulders like a lion's mane. He wouldn't go out. Not without him. And he couldn't leave Curt, not now that they'd found each other again.

Blinking, he let his eyes adjust to the darkness of the room and gasped. There was a shadow behind the curtains that hid the balcony from view. A glass door lay between the living room and the veranda outside, but a whisper of night air made it clear that it wasn't closed all the way.

Curt crept towards the door with a sense of foreboding. Brian, his mind
screamed silently, you promised not to leave me. He swallowed the lump in his throat and slid the door to the right, exposing the huddled figure that kept vigil under the midnight sky.

"Brian?"

Brian turned his head in Curt's direction. He was naked save for a blanket carelessly thrown over his shoulders. His bottom lip quivered, and Curt abruptly realized that Brian was shaking with cold.

Taking off his own shirt, Curt wrapped it around Brian, who seemed either too weary or too weak to protest. "You must be freezing. What are you doing out here, Bri?"

A faint smile traced its way across Brian's still-beautiful features. "I wanted to see the stars,' he said softly.

Curt sat down next to Brian and pulled him into his arms, hoping to warm him further. "Why didn't you wake me, baby? I would have come out here with you."

"I know," Brian said, his voice muffled against Curt's chest.

"Did you want to be alone?" Curt asked, somewhat disquieted by the thought.

Brian snuggled under Curt's chin. His cheeks felt hot where they touched Curt's bare skin. "I never *want* to be alone, Curt. I just *am*."

"But...you're with me...aren't you? Or did you change your mind?" Curt held his breath as he waited anxiously for Brian to answer.

Now Curt was the one in need of reassurance. But he wasn't certain that
Brian was in any shape to give it.

"I didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't. I just...wondered where you were, that's all." Liar. Curt swore mentally. He was worried, dammit, and he had every right to be. Maybe Brian needed to know that.

"Brian, I-"

"We need to stop apologizing to each other and move on, don't we?"

Brian raised his head and pulled back the blanket , revealing his closely shorn hair. His hair shone silver in the moonlight. So did the tracks of the tears he had so obviously shed.

"M-move on?" Curt stammered. Shit, I thought that's what we *were* doing before we ran into each other again, Brian, and look how *well* we were making out, too.

"Yeah."

Curt felt his lips go numb. Maybe he was going into shock or something.
"W-without each other?"

Brian cocked his head and peered curiously at his lover. "Without you? Why would I want to give up the only good thing that's happened to me in two bloody years?"

Curt dropped his head and attempted to hide his face behind his hands. Well, he'd screwed that up, hadn't he? Now Brian would think he was pathetic as well as homeless. "I thought-"

"You thought I wanted to leave you. I know I haven't given you much reason to trust me yet, Curt, but I swear...I won't go unless you make me." Brian's voice broke on the last few words and Curt stared at him, his heart in his throat.

"I don't want you to go," Curt whispered. "Ever."

"Then...I guess I won't, huh?"

"What are you really doing out here, Brian?" Curt asked, suddenly uncaring if Brian thought he was a lovesick fool.

"I told you, looking at the stars."

"I know what you told me, but tell me something I can believe."

Brian took a shaky breath. "I was trying...to put the past away. But I don't know if I can do it alone, Curt."

"You don't have to. I'm here."

"I don't think I can forgive myself, Curt...for all the pain I caused you."

"You don't have to. I will."

Brian's fingers plucked fretfully at his blanket and Curt's shirt. "I don't deserve you."

"Brian-"

"I don't. No matter what you say. But I can't bring myself to do the right thing."

"Which is?"

Brian laughed bitterly as a single tear splashed down his cheek. "Throw
myself off the side of this fucking building."

"Brian, I'm the last guy on earth to tell you what the right fucking thing to do is, but I know one thing. If you go over the side of that balcony, I'm going with you."

"No!" Brian cried, his face anguished.

"Yes. I don't care how fucked up you are...or how fucked up this
relationship gets. I want to be with you, dammit. Whether you're alive...or fucking dead." Curt's impassioned speech brought tears to his eyes, but he couldn't deny the truth of what he said. His heart was inextricably entwined with Brian's. For better or worse. In life...or God forbid, death.

Brian's face crumpled as he couldn't help but react to Curt's heartfelt
words. "I don't want anything to happen to you, Curt."

"Well, the feeling's mutual, you stupid fuck," Curt said, swiping almost angrily at his eyes.

Brian bit his lip in an effort to stop the spate of runaway emotion flooding through him. "I knew you were special the moment I saw you, Curt. Dropping your trousers in front of a crowd of sadists who couldn't appreciate how far ahead of your time you were. When I saw you give them the finger and set fire to the stage, I thought, why didn't I think of that? I wished it'd been me."

"You were jealous of me?"

"I didn't know any better. I still don't. Sometimes I want to be *with* you so bad...and sometimes it kills me because I know I can never *be* you."

"Oh, baby. You don't have to be *me*. Even *I'm* no good at being *me*." Curt pulled him closer and kissed him so tenderly that Brian felt like crying all over again.

"You just have to figure out who *you* are...and then *be* him."

"What if I never figure it out, Curt?"

"I'll still be here. I love you."

"I love you, too," Brian whispered.

The hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it.

End