Title: Rise to Fall

Author: Silk

Fandom: Velvet Goldmine

Pairing: None

Rating: PG

Summary: Why did Brian come?

Archive: If I sent it to you, please feel free.

Email: silkn1@att.net

Series/Sequel: No

Disclaimer: Velvet Goldmine and its characters belong to Miramax. Not me. This work is not for profit.

Warnings: None

Notes: This story is told in the first person from Brian's POV. It's a missing scene for the part where Curt is onstage singing "Gimme Danger" and Brian is watching him from the sidelines. The title and the line Rise to Fall are not mine. They're from the song of the same name by Edgar Winter, circa 1970. Seemed strangely appropriate.

Rise to Fall
By Silk

Things had gone badly for me for such a long time, I didn't know where to turn. I suppose that was how I ended up here. In the last place I should have been.

I'm not the kind of man who says he's sorry to those he hurts. That's what losers do. Not me. I wanted to win. Always.

Even at the expense of the people I loved.

But success, if that's what it was, turned out to be hollow. I couldn't have what I really wanted.

Him.

He was the love of my life. Screwed up, but blindingly brilliant. Self-destructive, but only after I pushed him away. Whatever he was. Whatever *I* was. I loved him.

I still did.

That never faded. The ache in my chest whenever I thought of him.

I had to be here. I had to see him one more time. But I couldn't let him see me. So I lurked in the shadows, hiking the collar of my coat around my face. Staying hidden. It's what I do best.

Fuck. I've gotten so lost, I don't know who I am anymore. But I know who *he* is. That's what drew me here.

The music was so loud. The bass throbbed like a bad tooth. When he took the stage, his presence filled the room, filled *me*, only it could never be like it was.

I closed my eyes and listened. His voice was ragged, the result of too much alcohol and too much emotion. "Gimme danger..."

He craved release. Whether it came with sex or death, I think at this point, it didn't really matter. His harsh rasp washed over me, making my whole body shiver. "I want to feel it..."

God, after he left...after I forced him to leave...I wanted to kill myself. I couldn't get out of my contract. Jerry was adamant. I had to finish the tour as Maxwell Demon.

Instead I finished Maxwell Demon.

I faked my own death. Jerry didn't fight me. He thought it would be great publicity. But it wasn't. I got exactly what I deserved. The press crucified me. My fans fled. I was alone.

Alone with my thoughts of him.

I wanted to cry. I *did* cry. I screamed and shouted and threw things. I slept with meaningless people and I woke up angry and desperate.

But in the end, I came back here. Because I had nothing. Nothing but memories.

I wanted to forget. I wanted to remember.

"I want to fucking feel it..."

I wanted to feel again. Feel something more than this uncomfortable numbness that had taken over my body after he'd left.

I could have gone to him. I felt his pain as if it were mine. It was mine. It was the only way I had left to be with him.

But he couldn't know. I couldn't bear to destroy him all over again. And I did. I know I did. That wounded soul lying on his back, exhorting God to give him back what he'd lost...I understood at last what I'd done.

I had to go. I couldn't stay. He was bleeding just as surely as if I'd stabbed him through the heart. He was dying, too.

I got that.

Now it was time to turn my back on the only man I ever truly loved. Again.

I would have prayed for forgiveness, but God no longer answered me. If He had...He would have found a way to give him back to me.

"Rise to fall. No hope. Only glory," I whispered, a single tear tracing its way down my cheek.

I stared at him from across the room, my eyes stinging from the cigarette smoke. Or so I told myself.

There was only one way out. So I took it.

End