FEAR OF NAMES

by Hayley

Fandom: Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea

Pairing: Harry/Lee story, kind of angsty, no sex in this one.

Chip Morton smiled indulgently as he watched his captain flipping through the final reports to be handed in to NIMR now that the mighty submarine Seaview was docked. They had just completed a quick three day run to one of the nearby sea labs. Chip was at the chart table putting away the maps, charts and equipment that wouldn't be needed for the next two weeks and in fact would just be in the way of the maintenance crew. Lee was sitting at the table in the observation nose - and he was whistling!

Chip shook his head. Lee Crane had been his best friend since Annapolis and he loved him like a brother and had long admired Lee's abilities as a sub officer. Working with Lee on Seaview for the past nine months had been wonderful. Over the years of their friendship, Chip had tried many times to persuade his hard working friend to spend more time relaxing but he had never been entirely successful. Lee was a workaholic and when it came to Seaview he lived and breathed his work. Chip's wife Alicia, who was very fond of Lee, had made several attempts to introduce Lee to what she felt were suitable female friends of hers. But Lee had never seemed taken with any of them enough go for more than a few dates. Chip hadn't told Alicia, but he knew that Lee's natural inclination were towards men, not women. They had talked about such things when they were young - Lee had made it clear that he was quite willing to sublimate his desires to have the career he wanted. And as far as Chip knew, he had done so - until recently.

Finished with his clearing of the chart table Chip walked over to where Lee was sitting. They were now the only two crewmen left on board. Lee looked up as Chip reached him, a smile on his face. "Ready to go now, Chip?"

"Very ready. But not as ready as you. I can't remember when I last heard you whistling."

Lee laughed. "Sorry. I guess I'm looking forward to a few days off."

"Don't apologize, it's nice to hear you sounding so happy. I assume you're doing something fun. Going away?"

To Chip's amusement, Lee blushed. "Just for a few days." Lee looked up at him through his long lashes but didn't add anything more. He stood, putting the papers together into a folder. Attempting to sound more businesslike he said, "Right, these are all done. Let's get going." and Lee headed for the ladder to the bridge.

Chip put his hand out and rested it on Lee's shoulder, stopping Lee, who turned to look at him questioningly. "Lee, I just want you to know I'm very happy for you...and for the admiral." He held up his hand as Lee opened his mouth to protest. "Lee! I've seen how he looks at you. And he seems happy too. I don't think I've known you to be as relaxed as you have the last couple of months. There's a subtle difference in you; you just seem more at peace with yourself. I'm very glad for you - for both of you."

Lee stood quite still, his hazel eyes, flecked with green, boring into Chip. Finally, he said quietly, "Thank you, Chip." and he leaned in to give his friend a quick hug.

Patting him on the back Chip herded Lee towards the ladder. "Okay, give me the reports, I'll drop them off, you get going on your holiday. I'll see you back here in a week."

"Thanks, Chip. I'll take you up on that." and the smile was back. "Give my love to Allie, and you enjoy your week in Hawaii. Try not to end up looking like a lobster!"

Chip laughed, "I'll do my best, and don't worry, we will definitely enjoy ourselves." and the two men headed off for their respective holidays.

As Chip walked slowly up from the docks to the grounds of NIMR and across pathways towards the main buildings, he reflected on the reason Lee was so happy. Chip would never forget Lee's arrival in Admiral Harriman Nelson's presence on Seaview. Chip had been standing to the side in the observation nose, completing some notes on a clipboard, when Lee had walked down the circular stairs and looked not at Nelson, but into the control room. Chip had seen the look on Nelson's face as he watched his new Captain. It had surprised him, and taken him a minute to realize that the look on Nelson's face was that of a man completely entranced.

After that, Chip had not been surprised at how well the two men got along together. Nelson had been one of their teacher's at Annapolis and even back then Lee had been impressed by Nelson. Of course, they all had. The man was brilliant. But with Lee it had been more like hero worship. When that had turned into something deeper Chip wasn't sure. He guessed about three months ago. Chip had no detailed knowledge of how or what had happened, but he had noticed that the two men now spent more time together both on and off Seaview. Quick, meaningful looks passed between them as they went about their work on Seaview. Lee would visit Nelson in the lab or his cabin a couple of times a day and Nelson spent more time in the control room than he had before.

That Lee was happier now was clear to Chip, and seeing the Admiral happy had been enlightening. When he was in the mood, Nelson could be an entertaining story teller, an enjoyable dinner companion. Chip had seen more of that side of Nelson in the past three months than in his first year and a half on Seaview. That plus a happy Lee had been fun to watch.

***

Lee had been a little taken aback to find that Chip had figured out about his relationship with Nelson, but on this day he was just too happy to give it much thought. As he drove home, Lee realized that given how close a friend Chip was, it was inevitable he would figure it out. And he was glad to know that his happiness was something visible to his friend. He realized he was smiling again. Well, he couldn't help it! He was happy, more happy that he had ever been in his life. Since the first time he'd seen Harriman Nelson at Annapolis, he'd been in love with the man. He'd tried to tell himself he was being ridiculous, he was just impressed by the man's incredible knowledge, his enthusiasm for submarines...but he knew it was something more. Being sent to work with Nelson on Seaview was like a dream come true - the ultimate job, the chance to work with Chip and the best crew in or out of the navy, and Nelson.

It had almost been scary; he had realized early on in his time on Seaview that Nelson was attracted to him, but Nelson was just as used to hiding his natural inclinations as Lee himself was. It was during a quick visit to a sealab that they had finally admitted how they felt about each other. The past three months had been wonderful. Chip was right, he was happy. Happier than he had ever been. Oh, his career had been going very well, he had good friends, and he enjoyed his life. But finding love with Harriman Nelson had brought him to a whole new level of happiness. One he had never expected to achieve. He had long ago decided that his career had to be everything, that he would never find true love. He was unbelievably happy to find that he was mistaken.

Lee was surprised to find Nelson's car in his driveway. The plan had been for Lee to pick up the clothes he would need for their week away - they were going to Mexico, to a beach home Nelson was borrowing from a friend - but perhaps Nelson couldn't wait to see him! Lee felt the warm glow inside that he was beginning to become accustomed to. He certainly couldn't wait to put his arms around Nelson. .

"Harry!" Lee dropped his briefcase and headed for Nelson, who was standing looking out of the french doors that led to the deck. Lee stopped dead. Nelson had turned to face him and his expression struck fear into Lee's heart. "Harry? Is something wrong?" The Admiral looked as though something terrible had happened. "Is...is Edith all right?"

"Lee...oh, yes, she's fine....I..er...I wanted to talk to you...needed to talk to you."

Lee had stopped half way across his living room. His stomach was knotting up. "What's wrong, Harry?" He asked quietly.

Nelson sighed deeply, "I won't draw this out, that will only make things worse. I think we should end it. It's my fault, not yours. I shouldn't have let it go on so long. It's over, Lee."

"But...why?" Lee felt shell shocked. This made no sense.

"I...I'm fond of you, Lee, but I don't think I'm the `relationship' kind of guy. I guess I'm just not able to commit." Nelson laughed nervously, "sounds like a line, doesn't it? I'm sorry, I know I've
hurt you. But I thought it best to say something now, rather than later."

Nelson was looking at him inquiringly, he seemed to be waiting for Lee to agree with him but Lee felt too numb to even think straight. After almost a minute of uncomfortable silence Lee managed to find his voice, although it sounded shaky. "I don't think I understand. I thought you said you loved me."

"I thought I did, but...well, now that I've had some time to reflect," he shrugged. "I was wrong. And I thought it was better to tell you now than to let it go on."

Lee gave a half laugh. "How good of you. Always considerate."

Nelson did look upset, Lee couldn't help but notice that. "Lee, I'm really very sorry, more sorry than you know. But you're young, you'll meet someone else."

Lee didn't even waste his time trying to explain why that was a stupid argument - he loved Nelson, only Nelson. Instead he decided to be practical. "And on Seaview?"

"I promise to make things as easy as possible for you. I'll give you space, I'll spend as much time as I can in the lab. I know you won't want to be friends like we were before, but I think we can manage to handle it like gentlemen. I still want you for a friend, Lee. Please."

Lee nodded. "I don't want to leave Seaview. I...I need some time, Harry."

"Of course, Lee. You try to relax this leave, do something fun, visit friends. Don't stay here alone, please. I...um...I plan on working this week. If you don't want to sail next week..."

"No!" Lee interrupted him. "I'll be sailing. I'm Seaview's captain."

"Good. Good...I don't want to lose you." There was more silence. "I guess I'd better get going." Nelson just stood for a moment more, watching Lee. But Lee was staring at the floor, giving no clue as to the turmoil within. "Goodbye, Lee." and Nelson touched him gently on the arm as he left.

****

Harriman Nelson drove away from Lee Crane's home without looking back. After a few minutes, he found his hands shaking so much that he couldn't continue driving. There was a beach up ahead with a parking lot for the local surfers. Nelson pulled in and parked. He gripped the steering wheel tightly and rested his head on his arms, squeezing his eyes shut to blink back the tears threatening to fall. He knew it would be painful, but underestimated just how painful. He had convinced himself over the last couple of days that Lee would be upset but would feel relieved, would see it as a chance to move on; that Lee had been perhaps regretting their relationship and would welcome the chance to put it behind him.

It had all been precipitated three days ago when Seaview was getting ready to leave for the trip to deliver the scientists to the sea lab. As it was just a quick trip, Nelson was staying at NIMR to work on his lab experiments. He and Lee were driving back to NIMR after a night at Lee's home. It had been a wonderful night - a candlelight dinner, quiet music, a walk on the beach and then a night in each others arms. Nelson had driven them both back to NIMR the following morning. A fender bender on the highway had slowed them down and Nelson had used his cell phone to call ahead to the security gate, asking them to let both Seaview and his office know that he was on the way. When they finally pulled into the underground parking lot they were both running late. Not having time to go up to Nelson's apartment, they embraced in the car, engaging in several minutes of sensuous kissing. Lee finally pulled away, "Admiral, I have to get
to Seaview. If I stay here much longer I'll be pulling you into the back seat." Nelson chuckled, "Okay, get going. Have a good trip, I'll see you when you get back. Take care, love." and with a quick kiss they parted.

Nelson was sitting in his office several minutes later when Jiggs Starke walked in, slammed the door behind him and stood glowering at Nelson.

"Jiggs! This is a surprise...what's wrong?"

"What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong, I just saw my best friend engaged in activities which the navy...and I...consider completely immoral!"

Nelson's smile of greeting fell from his face. "What are you talking about?" Jiggs couldn't have seen them!

"When I drove in, your security guy told me you'd be along by car in a few minutes so as I was listening to a good tape on my car radio, I waited for you in the parking lot. And what do I see? You and Crane and you were....well...well, you know what you were doing." Jiggs was so outraged he couldn't put it in to words.

"Stop yelling, Jiggs. I don't want the whole world knowing."

"Knowing what? That you're gay or that you're screwing your Captain -I assume you do more than kiss?"

Nelson was just as angry now. "Jiggs, my private life is none of your business."

"Yes it is. You're my best friend!!" Jiggs forced himself to calm down. "Look, Harry. Can we talk?" and Jiggs indicated the chairs in front of Nelson's desk.

Deciding that he didn't have much choice, Nelson moved to one of the chairs and sat down heavily. "Jiggs, I'm sorry you're so disappointed in all this, I didn't mean for you to find out, or at
least, not that way."

"How long have you been interested in men, Harry? All your life?" Jiggs couldn't believe his friend had kept something like this hidden for so long.

"I don't think this is something I can explain in a few words, Jiggs. I've dated women, as you know, but I've always preferred men. It's just that being in the navy meant I had to hide that part of my life. But the relationship with Lee is special, it's the real thing, Jiggs."

"Don't be ridiculous, Harry. You have to end it."

"End it? Why? Because you don't approve? No way, Jiggs."

"Harry, I'm begging you, think this through. Stop thinking with your testosterone for a minute here. I admit Crane is a good looking guy but you're famous for your mind, Harry, use it now. Think what it would mean to you and your career when your relationship becomes public knowledge. Seaview relies on government funding for much of it's work, you think you'd still get that? What about all those science boards you sit on? All those honors I know are important to
you - personally and professionally. You've given your whole life to building up the Nelson name and the Nelson Institute reflects that, it's highly respected around the world. Several hundred people depend on that reputation, all the NIMR employees."

The Admiral sat quietly, Jiggs words were having an effect, he couldn't deny to himself that he did worry on occasion about the kind of effect it would have for knowledge of his relationship to ever become known. He usually dealt with it by the uncharacteristic method of avoidance - he pushed it out of his mind. But he couldn't deny to himself now that Jiggs had touched on some very real fears.

Seeing that Nelson was at least listening him, Jiggs pressed on. "And what about Crane?"

Nelson's head snapped up.

"At least you're already a four star Admiral, you think he'd ever get another promotion? It would be the end of his career wouldn't it? No chance of him ever going back to the navy and getting the promotions he deserves. Is that what you want for him, Harry? Seems to me he loves his work, that's one thing I respect about him. He lives for the sea. That would be over. What would he do with the rest of his life? You have to end it Harry, before you get in any deeper. I'll forget what I saw, you don't have to worry about that. But you have to end it as soon as you can."

The sound of someone banging against his car drew Nelson from his reverie. "Sorry, mister!" a surfer was carrying his board past Nelson's car and bumped into the car as he tried to squeeze by. Nelson checked his watch. He'd been sitting here for only a few minutes but it felt like hours. He rubbed his hands over tired eyes. He hadn't slept much these last few nights. When he hadn't been at work he thought about Jiggs' words. Of course Jiggs was right. If his affair with Lee became public knowledge it would ruin both of them. For him, the destruction of all he'd built up, for Lee, the end of any career aspirations he may have had. The Admiral took a deep breath and turned on the car, he had done what he had to do - for both of them. Lee would thank him one day. Time to go back to the real world, the one where he hid his sexual preferences, his desires, the one where personal happiness was just a dream. He'd done it before, he could do it again.

****

Chip Morton headed from the elevator to his office smiling to himself as he thought of the ribbing he was going to take from Lee about his sunburn. It wasn't a bad sunburn, but Lee would be nut brown after a week in Mexico and would make fun of his slightly red friend. Chip
rounded the corner into the office of Sheila Meehan, the secretary he shared with Lee. "Hi, Sheila, is Lee in already?"

"No, not today, did you and Allie have a good time in Hawaii, Chip?"

"Yes, thank you. Wonderful. Perfect weather and perfect company, Allie loved it."

"I'm so glad. Well, Lee was in the other day, not in the best of moods, I think he'd had the flu. He went through all the paperwork, stayed late, it was on my desk the next morning. He called this morning and said he'd see me tomorrow."

Chip was totally confused. "What do you mean he was in the other day? I thought he was going away."

Sheila shrugged. "I thought so too but he didn't go away. I think he just relaxed at home other than the one day he was in here. At least he was getting a rest."

Now Chip was worried. If Lee had the flu and hadn't been able to go away...."Has the Admiral been in much this week?" he asked as casually as possible.

Sheila laughed, "Oh yes, Angie tells me it's been quite the week. He didn't take even one day off!"

Chip forced a laugh and headed into his office. He spent two hours going through his in basket, then, re-assured that O'Brien had all in hand for Seaview's next sailing, he told Sheila he would be in early the next day and headed for Lee's place.

Chip's concern grew as he drove towards his friend's house. If the reason for the trip being cancelled was because Lee was ill, Nelson should have been with him. Chip wasn't sure what had happened but he feared the worst. Damn, Lee had been so happy. He pulled into the driveway and wasted no time in heading for the front door.

When ringing on the bell and knocking on the door went unanswered Chip walked around to the back of the house. He climbed the steps to the deck and peered through the French doors. No sign of Lee but the door was open a fraction so it was a simple thing for Chip to slide the doors open wide enough to allow him to slip inside.

He could hear banging from somewhere upstairs - and was that paint he smelled? - he headed towards the sound and soon found himself at the door to Lee's bedroom...the source of the banging became clear, Lee was just pushing a dresser back against the wall. "Lee." Chip spoke
quietly, not wanting to startle his friend.

Lee turned round, his eyes wide with surprise. "Chip! I'm sorry, did you knock?" Lee straightened and smiled, although Chip had seen that smile before, it wasn't a genuine one. "I've been so busy up here I didn't hear a thing. Did you have a good holiday? You don't look too red. Did Allie enjoy it?"

Chip eyed his friend carefully as he listened to Lee's rapid fire speech. Despite - or perhaps because of - several smudges of paint on his face, Lee looked pale, and he also looked decidedly nervous. "We had a great holiday, thank you. Allie loved it. Um, what happened? Did you get fed up with the wall paper?"

Lee looked over at the wall where just four months ago he and Chip had hung a wall paper decorated with tiny stars, like the rest of the walls, it was now a pale green. Lee shrugged, "Decided I needed a change."

There was an uncomfortable silence during which Lee stared at his hands, wiping at real or imaginary paint marks.

"Lee," Chip's tone was soft but serious, "why didn't you go on holiday? Sheila told me you'd had flu or something but I can't see that keeping you from a planned vacation. And apparently Nelson worked all week...Please, Lee, what happened?"

Lee was still staring down at his hands. He looked up through his lashes at Chip and sighed deeply. He moved to his bed and sat down, resting his elbows on his knees and letting his head fall into his hands. Chip waited patiently.

After Nelson had left him the week before, Lee had decided that the best course of action was to keep busy - but he couldn't face going to work. He had cleaned the house from top to bottom, then decided that the bedroom reminded him too much of the happy times of the last
few months. So he'd taken down the wall paper and repainted. He hadn't slept well, hadn't eaten well, and hadn't thought about what had happened; even now it gave him a sharp pain in his chest to think about it. But Chip was waiting, he could feel his friend watching him. Without looking up, he spoke, "The Admiral broke it off. He said he wasn't into commitment and it was better to end it now," Lee gave a hollow laugh, "he seemed to think it would hurt less." He ran
his hands through his hair, "Maybe it worked for him," As he finished speaking Lee looked up at Chip, "it hasn't worked for me."

Chip was speechless. Nelson had broken it off? This didn't seem possible. He would have sworn Nelson adored Lee, hell, he wasn't gay and he adored Lee. Since he'd seen that first look Nelson had given Lee on Seaview he was positive Nelson was completely smitten. Chip sank onto the bed beside Lee. "He didn't give any other reason? Lee, one thing I would have sworn to was that Harriman Nelson adored you." Chip wished he hadn't used those words when he saw the look in his friend's eyes. Lee looked up at him and the deep pain in the expressive hazel eyes was too much to bear. Chip held out his arms and pulled his friend towards him. "Oh, Lee, I'm so sorry."

Lee fell into the hug. Right now, he needed it. He closed his eyes as he rested against Chip's shoulder and fought back the tears stinging at his eyelids. Chip was stroking his arm affectionately and it felt so good.

For several minutes the two men sat quietly, Chip gently rubbing up and down Lee's arm. He didn't try to stop Lee, though, when he pulled away, rubbing quickly at his eyes. "Thanks, Chip,
you're a good friend." Lee rose and moved to some items on the floor, picking them up and replacing them on the dresser. "I guess I'll get over it." He turned and gave Chip a lopsided grin, "you'll have to get used to my original grouchy state I guess."

Chip wasn't sure what to say. He could see that Lee was tired and underweight, he was sure Lee had barely slept all week. So much for his relaxing vacation. Right now he wanted nothing more than to drive over to NIMR and ask Nelson what the hell he was up to. Had he just been stringing Lee along all these months? Was he really that cruel? But somehow it just didn't seem like something Nelson would do. The man could be inconsiderate at times, but Chip was sure that was when he was buried in work or some new idea, he didn't think it applied to Nelson's personal life. "Did you and the Admiral talk at all this week?"

"No." Lee shook his head. "He said he'd give me some space. He's going to try to spend more time in the lab on Seaview, that will make it easier for both of us." Lee was now picking up some towels that looked like they'd been recently washed; he headed for the bathroom but stopped and turned to Chip, "I told him I didn't want to leave Seaview, but, Chip, I'm going to have to see how it goes. I just don't know if I can still work with him."

Chip didn't reply - he wasn't sure what to say to that piece of news. When Lee returned to the bedroom he had a smile pasted on his face. "Enough moping around, why don't you call Allie and have her meet us at Carson's, tell her to bring the photos. I want to hear about your holiday."

Chip decided to play along, at least he could see that Lee ate. "Okay, just remember your promise not to tell her about some of the wilder things I did in my youth on those leaves in Honolulu."

"I'm sure I can manage, especially if you're buying dinner." Lee grinned at him.

"That can be arranged, I'm sure." Chip said, a smile lighting his face as he put his arm around Lee's shoulders, steering him to the door.

****

It was a good thing the mission to gather information on changes to some coral reefs off the Hawaiian Islands was a quiet one. Several U of H scientists came aboard for a few days to gather data and they kept both the Admiral and the rest of the crew busy. Lee and Chip ran things with their usual efficiency. Once the scientists had been flown home on FS1 Seaview continued to another location to check on some undersea wrecks.

True to his word, the Admiral had spent most of him time in the lab although he had come up to the control room a few times, but only when he knew he would find both Chip and Lee there. At meal times he had also been careful to be sure he wasn't alone with the Captain. Still, Chip was sure that the crew picked up on their Captain's rather somber mood. The whole boat just seemed a bit quieter than usual. Will Jamieson had insisted on Lee visiting sickbay, concerned with Lee's apparent weight loss. He could find no medical reason for concern though, and Lee assured him he was fine, just hadn't felt great on his last leave. Chip watched his friend closely and tried to ensure Lee ate and at least didn't work all night. Still, Chip couldn't watch Lee all the time and it was on a diving mission that problems arose.

Lee and Kowalski had gone out to get some photos of the wreck of an old tanker. They were just leaving the wreck through a gaping hole in the cargo hold when one of the large but harmless dolphins playing around the wreck suddenly shot past the two divers hitting Lee with enough force to send him hard into the jagged edge of the wreck. The torn steel cut right through the Captain's diving suit and into his side. There was nothing Kowalski or Lee could do except head for Seaview as fast as possible. Kowalski had notified the boat as soon as he saw the blood, he tried to hold one hand over the wound to keep it closed while offering assistance to his skipper.

As soon as he heard from Ski about the accident Chip contacted sick bay, then headed for the missile room himself. Even though the hatch was on an emergency cycle it still seemed to Chip that there was more blood than water in the well when they opened the hatch and he caught Lee into his arms. Sharkey undid Lee's diving jacket and Jamie's assistant placed a compression bandage on the deep cut while Jamie set up an IV.

***********

It was late, the lights in sick bay were dim. Chip sat by Lee's bunk, his chair angled so that he could keep an eye on his friend and still have enough light to read some of the daily reports. He'd sent Jamie off to get some much needed sleep. Jamieson's assistant Henry would be on duty in about an hour's time and if Lee needed anything Jamieson was just a quick call away.

Chip heard a sound and turned his head to see Admiral Nelson entering sick bay. The admiral walked over to stand looking down at Lee. "How's he doing, Chip?"

"Much better. Jamie says there's no sign of infection so far. He just needs to rest."

Nelson glanced over at Chip. "Why don't you go and get some sleep, Chip. You were on duty all day. I can stay with Lee."

"Begging your pardon, Admiral, but I'd rather you not be the first person Lee wakes up to see."

A flash of annoyance - and was that fear - crossed Nelson's face. "What's that supposed to mean, Mr. Morton?"

Chip took a quick glance at Lee but he didn't seem to have heard the Admiral. "Admiral, please lower your voice."

The Admiral looked over at Lee as well; he looked embarrassed. More quietly he asked. "I still want to know what you meant by that comment, Chip."

Chip heaved a sigh. He wasn't really looking forward to this conversation, on the other hand, he felt someone had to step in and he was probably best suited for the job. "Admiral, Lee is my best friend, I know him very well, including his likes and dislikes..." Chip paused to let that sink in. "The Lee Crane who left Seaview after our last cruise was not the same man I came back to find after the leave. Before we left the boat, he was the happiest I ever recall seeing him." Chip stopped talking as Lee stirred in his sleep. Chip leaned forward to gently place his hand on Lee's brow. Reassured he turned back to Nelson. "I know why he was so happy, sir. And I was very glad for him, I knew he'd found what he'd been searching for. And I was happy for you as well, sir." Chip knew he was taking a chance talking to openly about Lee's relationship with Nelson and he held his breath. When the Admiral continued to stare at him, his expression unreadable, Chip decided to plough on. "I don't know much about what happened to ruin that happiness but the man I saw after that leave was decidedly unhappy." Chip shrugged. "Perhaps Lee was to blame, I don't know. He did tell me that you had ended the relationship but he didn't go into details about why. I just know that I don't think yours should be the first face he sees."

When Chip stopped speaking the Admiral started pacing sickbay. He didn't say anything, just paced with his head down, eyes on the floor. Chip pulled the blanket higher to cover Lee's shoulders and sat back in his chair, trying to relax.

Finally the Admiral stopped and returned to sink into the chair next to Chip's. "I didn't realize you knew about us. Lee hadn't said." Now that he had decided to speak Nelson felt almost relieved. It was a new experience to have someone talk to about the whole situation. Someone who might actually not judge him - or Lee. "I did what I had to do, Chip. I broke it off before it could go any further and hurt him...hurt us."

Chip looked perplexed. "Before it could hurt him? He's heartbroken. Why do you think he's so underweight? Oh, he's trying, he's determined about that. But he's not the same. I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand."

"I did some thinking, Chip. I realized what the news of our relationship would do to Lee if it became known, and it's not something you can keep secret forever."

Chip frowned, he sat quietly for a few minutes thinking about Nelson's words. Then he shook his head. "I still don't get it. You ended the relationship to save him getting hurt?"

Nelson banged a fist against his thigh in frustration. It was so hard to explain! "I saved him from further damage. Do you think he'd ever get another promotion from the navy?"

"What if he didn't want to go back to the navy?"

"He has a brilliant career in front of him, Chip." Nelson sighed in exasperation. "And what do you think his friends would have said?"

"His friends would have been happy for him. Maybe some of his professional acquaintances wouldn't have approved but I don't know how much he would have minded that." There was silence again and Chip looked at Nelson carefully. Then he asked more quietly. "And what would the news of such a relationship do to you, Admiral? There must be some reason you suddenly `thought' of this, why now?"

Nelson felt suddenly ashamed. He got up again and paced sick bay for several minutes, finally returning to his seat and facing Chip. "Okay, I admit, one of my friends found out. He didn't approve, and he pointed out the devastating effect public knowledge would have on both of us, personally and professionally. I'm not happy about this, Chip. But I had to end it, for both our sakes."

Chip checked Lee again to make sure he was still soundly asleep before turning back to Nelson. "You didn't discuss that with Lee did you? You just ended it." He took Nelson's silence as a yes. "I think you need to talk to Lee about this, sir. Maybe he thinks it's worth the risk...the price. Unless of course it's not worth it to you. In that case, I guess you did the right thing. I love Lee like a brother, Admiral. I don't want him in a relationship with someone who doesn't return his love." Chip couldn't help turning to Lee and smiling affectionately at his friend. "And he has so much love to give. He really is one of the sweetest people I've ever met, and somehow the iron willed captain can't hide that rather sweet core." Chip reached out to brush a stray curl from Lee's brow - and check him for fever. Then he turned back to Nelson. "I'll stay with him
tonight, Admiral. I promise to let you know when he wakes up. But I wonder if I can ask you to reconsider your decision and at least talk to Lee about all this. I really liked it when you were both happy."

Nelson glanced over at Lee. Happiness. He had to admit, he certainly wasn't happy, but maybe with time...he sighed. "Call me if Lee needs anything, Chip, or if there's any change."

"Aye, sir. Good night, Admiral."

Feeling as though he'd been dismissed, Nelson left.

*****

Two weeks later a shaky Lee Crane kept one hand securely on the banister as he walked slowly down the stairs. Whoever was knocking on his door was persistent. Seaview had docked three days earlier and Jamie had insisted he spend the first couple of nights in the
infirmary - an infection from his injury had meant Lee had spent most of the return cruise in sick bay, in fact he didn't remember most of it. It was lost in a feverish haze. He remembered Jamie and Chip hovering around and that was about it. Yesterday he had insisted to Jamieson that he was going home and the doctor had reluctantly allowed it. Chip had wanted him to come and stay with he and Allie but Lee wanted time alone. He still had so many things to get clear in his head. He'd hardly seen the Admiral on board Seaview and maybe that was a good thing. Lee was still very hurt by the whole break up. As soon as they'd docked Nelson had flown back east for meetings.

Finally reaching the door Lee opened it, all prepared to glare at Chip who he was sure would be standing there. His mouth almost fell open when he found Harriman Nelson.

"Admiral! I thought you were back east. I'm sorry I kept you waiting, sir." Lee blushed, "I thought it was Chip checking up on me, he's been a bit over protective."

"That's all right, Lee. And I can't fault Mr. Morton for caring. Ummmm, may I come in?"

"Oh...of course, sir." Lee held the door open.

The admiral couldn't help but notice how formal Lee was being. He should have expected it, Lee had his `walls' up. And why not.

Lee sank onto the couch, he really was too tired to stay on his feet too long. "If you'd like a drink, sir, please help yourself. There's a fresh pot of coffee."

"No, no thank you, Lee." the admiral didn't sit down, he headed for the doors that led to the beach. Lee watched him warily. It was several minutes before Nelson turned to face him.
"Lee, I think we need to talk. I wasn't entirely honest with you about my reasons for ending our relationship - no, that's not right either. I wasn't honest at all." Nelson twisted his hands together
and walked a couple of paces closer to Lee. "I said I wasn't able to commit, what a laugh, there was nothing I wanted more. But something happened and I'm ashamed to say I reacted badly. I didn't tell you the truth, I didn't give you any chance to tell me what you thought." Nelson crossed the carpet and knelt in front of Lee, taking one of his hands in his own, "Lee, can I tell you what really happened? Then we can discuss it. Please."

Lee's chest felt tight. All the tension of the last few weeks was back. But there was only one answer. "Yes, Admiral. I'd like to hear the truth."

Nelson looked very relieved. He nodded and stood up again, as though pacing while he spoke made it easier. "Remember that day a few weeks ago when we were running late and we kissed goodbye in the car?" Lee nodded. "Jiggs saw us."

Lee's eyes opened wide in surprise but he didn't say anything.

"He showed up in my office a few minutes later, he was furious. Told me what I was risking - my career, my reputation, the Institute - it could all be ruined if our affair became public."

Lee winced at the word affair but still didn't say anything, Nelson continued, "He also pointed out that it would end any chance of you returning to the navy and pursuing your career." Nelson ran his hands through his hair, he was back to staring out at the ocean. "I tried to tell myself I was worried about your reputation but I'm going to be completely honest. Although the effect it would have on you was always a concern, deep in my heart - much as I'm ashamed to admit it - I know it was a fear of losing the reputation I'd worked so hard to build that scared me the most. Fear of what it might do to the Institute and to me." Nelson walked back to stand before
Lee, "I'm not very proud of myself, Lee. I had no idea I could be so shallow."

Lee wasn't sure what to say. "So you broke it off because you didn't want to lose the respect of your peers and you thought it would reflect badly on the Institute. Harriman Nelson is gay and involved with the captain of his submarine. I guess it would make quite a headline in the local papers."

Nelson sighed in frustration, "At first, yes, I did have those kinds of thoughts. But, Lee, after a while I realized nothing mattered as much as my relationship with you. I realized I'd made a mistake, a huge mistake."

But Lee didn't appear to be listening to him. He continued, "And once you'd decided it would be too awful if our love became public knowledge, you decided the best thing to do was to come over here and lie to me?" Lee looked up at Nelson now, his eyebrows raised.

"I didn't mean to lie to you, I just wanted it to be as quick and painless as possible - for both of us. And that seemed like the best thing to say."

Lee was shaking his head. "I don't know how you could have thought that was the best thing to say, Admiral. I don't want to talk about it any more. I want you to leave, please."

It wasn't often Lee saw Nelson look indecisive but that was the word that popped into his mind as he looked at the admiral, who stood in the middle of his living room, his hands clenching and unclenching. There were several uncomfortable moments of silence.

Finally Nelson spoke. "Please, Lee, will you consider what I've said? I am so very sorry that I hurt you. I was wrong, wrong to lie to you about the reason and wrong to even think of breaking off our relationship...."

But Lee interrupted, "I'll think about what you've said, Admiral. Maybe I'll call you in a day or two."

His face a mask of dejection Nelson turned to leave. He stopped by Lee and bent down to kiss him gently on the forehead. "I love you, Lee. Look after yourself, you know where I am. I'll call you if I haven't heard from you, okay?"

Lee nodded by didn't look up, it was too painful to look in those sea-blue eyes. He listened to the door close and only then stood slowly and headed for the stairs. He was exhausted.

Lee had only climbed about two steps when the door bell rang. Did the Admiral have some new argument for trying to convince him to patch things up? Tiredly, Lee headed for the door, nothing Nelson said was going to do the trick, of that he was sure. But his `go away' greeting died on his lips. "Chip!"

Chip held up a plastic bag, "Allie said if you wouldn't come and stay with us you at least had to accept some food, she made your favorite clam chowder and I have orders to stay until you've eaten some of it."

Lee couldn't resist Chip's expectant expression. "Okay, come on in, I don't want you to get in trouble with Allie."

Chip followed Lee into the kitchen, "You sit right there while I heat this up," Chip pointed to the small dining table in the kitchen, "Allie's gone to a wedding shower for one of her friends so I've plenty of time to visit."

It took Chip only minutes to warm up the soup. He put a big bowl of the soup and some crusty bread in front of Lee then sat down across from his friend and watched him start to eat. After a couple of minutes he asked cautiously, "Lee, was that admiral Nelson I saw driving away as I arrived?"

Lee's soup spoon stopped in mid-air but only for a moment. There was no point lying to Chip, and it might do him good to talk about it. "Yes, he came over to explain a little more fully about why he broke up with me. Double the pain so to speak." And Lee shook his head.

Chip frowned, "Are you sure that's what he was trying to tell you? I can't believe he'd be that cruel. I think he regretted hurting you, Lee."

"Then why did he come over to explain about his fears of our relationship becoming common knowledge, of how it could affect the institute, how he wasn't proud of himself and so on and so on. Instead of me thinking he broke it off because of fear of commitment, I now know all the gory details of why he broke it off. It doesn't make me feel any better. By the end I was trying not to pay attention because it hurt too much to hear it all again."

Chip mulled that over for a few minutes. "He didn't say anything about regretting his decision."

"No, he didn't..." but Lee stopped with his spoon half way to his mouth. "Well, he did say something near the end about being wrong...but I didn't really pay attention."

"Lee!"

"Chip," Lee sounded angry, "He'd just spent fifteen minutes pacing the room telling me why it was a mistake! He called it `an affair'" Lee looked despondent. "It wasn't just sex...not for me anyway."

"Keep eating, you're nearly finished." Chip waited until he was sure Lee was going to eat the rest of the bowl of soup. "Lee, he loves you. I'm sure he does. He was worried sick about you when you were hurt on Seaview but I wouldn't let him stay with you cause I knew he'd hurt you. He was a bit surprised that I knew about the two of you but I think when he left sick bay he had some serious thinking to do. And I think the outcome of that is that he wants another chance."

Lee had finished the soup but he kept playing with the spoon, half heartedly scraping at the bowl. "You do love him don't you?"

Lee wriggled around in his seat. "Yes, I guess so."

"You guess so? Lee, you adore him."

"Okay, okay. I do love him, a lot. And he did say he loved me as he was leaving."

"Then you should give him a chance shouldn't you? Love isn't always a bed of roses, you have to work at it you know. There will be ups and downs. If someone tries to convince Nelson he should end the relationship, I think you can find a few ways to convince him that it's worth staying with you...hmmm?"

Lee couldn't help but smile at his friend. "Even you and Allie have ups and downs?"

"Hey, it isn't easy being married to someone who's away as much as we are. But it's worth it because we love each other. After all, who wouldn't love me?"

Lee snorted, "Poor Allie. I did try to warn her you know."

"Yes, I just bet you did." Chip stood and took Lee's bowl, putting it in the sink. He turned to find Lee yawning. "Why don't you lie down for a while..." he raised his hand to stop Lee arguing, "don't tell me you're not tired. You're exhausted. Lie down on the couch for a while. I'll make some coffee. Then later, when you wake up, go on over to the Institute and talk to the admiral...okay? Ask him just what he was trying to say, in one sentence."

Lee grimaced. "I hate it when you're so smart. I am a bit tired, I'll just lie down while you're making coffee. That was awfully good soup. No wonder you're getting so fat."

Chip whipped at his friend with a tea towel, well aware that he hadn't put on any weight since his marriage - although it had been a struggle. "Watch it, skinny!" He watched his chuckling friend until he had stretched out on the couch, "Promise me you'll go and see Nelson later?"

"Yes, sir!" came the sleepy reply.

"Thank you." Chip knew Lee would always keep a promise. "I'll be there in a few minutes with coffee." and he retreated to the kitchen.

Chip smiled to himself and rinsed out Lee's bowl. Then he sat at the table and flipped idly through a magazine that had been sitting on the counter. He had no intention of making coffee. He was quite sure that if he gave Lee just a few minutes, he'd fall fast asleep.

Sure enough, ten minutes later when he walked quietly into the living room, Lee was fast asleep. Chip smiled affectionately at his friend, placing the palm of his hand gently on Lee's brow to check that there had been no return of the fever. Reassured, he picked up a blanket from the back of the couch and placed it over Lee, then he left the house.

*****

It was early evening by the time Lee awoke. He lay quietly for a few moments remembering what had happened - it had been a busy day! But he had to admit that the soup and the sleep had done him good - as had the talk with Chip. Lee shook his head to himself as he rose and headed upstairs to the bedroom, he was very lucky to have such a friend.

Forty five minutes later, Lee Crane, showered, shaved and dressed in jeans and t-shirt - one of Nelson's favorite outfits - rode the elevator up to the admiral's penthouse. He knocked on the door and couldn't help smiling at the shocked look on the admiral's face when the admiral opened the door. "Lee!"

"Hello, Harry, can I come in."

To say Nelson was surprised was an understatement. When he had left Lee earlier that day, he'd been sure his chances of convincing Lee to give their relationship another try were low. He had spent a couple of hours at his desk, trying very hard to concentrate on something, anything. But it hadn't worked. Instead, he'd come back to his apartment with the intention of plotting the best way to approach Lee again. He wanted Lee back, he had to have him back - and now, here he was. "Of course you can come in, why didn't you use your keys?"

Lee shrugged, "I wasn't sure how welcome I'd be after this morning."

"Always welcome, Lee. Always welcome." Nelson led the way in. "You're looking much better than you did this morning, a lot less pale. You're feeling a bit better?"

"Yes, thank you." Lee settled himself on Nelson's comfy couch. "Chip brought over some of Allie's wonderful clam chowder, I had a nice sleep and, um, he even gave me some free advice."

Nelson raised his eyebrows. If Chip Morton had persuaded Lee to come to see him he was going to give the man a raise! He sat down on the couch, being sure to leave some space between himself and Lee, "Advice about us I take it?"

Lee nodded, looking at the admiral he felt rather guilty, Nelson looked worse than he did and Nelson hadn't been in the infirmary for nearly a week! "He just made me think a few things through. Harry, I think we've established a couple of things, I love you and you love me. Right?"

Nelson nodded emphatically.

"Then what was this morning about? I thought you were trying to tell me in greater detail why you didn't want to see me again, I thought it was just a longer version of our first talk - and I couldn't bear that. It hurt even more to hear it again, for you to call it `an affair'."

"Lee! I can't believe how I keep making a mess of this. I did try to explain why I had broken it off in greater detail, but only because I wanted to tell you how wrong I was. All the reasons I had were selfish and I soon realized that none of them meant a hill of beans next to losing you. If I can't have you in my life, your love in my heart, then those other things don't matter."

"Harry, much as I like to think `love conquers all' it doesn't, not really. I can't stay with you if every few months you're suddenly going to decide that your relationship with me is less important than your reputation, the approval of your friends...."

"Lee!" Nelson moved forward on the couch to take Lee's hand in his. "Stop! Don't even say it. What I was trying to tell you this morning was that after my initial panic about people knowing about us, I realized I don't care if they know. My real friends will understand. And it's a different time than when I was young. Some people might not like it, it may even cost us some work and maybe I'll be invited to be on a few less science boards but none of that matters. I thought it might, but it doesn't. I am so much happier with you, Lee, happier than at any time in my life, and I hope to be around for a lot more years - with you by my side, and in my heart, and in my bed."

Lee couldn't help but be touched, he could see the moisture in Nelson's eyes. He held his arms open and Nelson quickly moved into his embrace. He rubbed up and down Nelson's back as he spoke. "That's how I want it to be too, Harry. When we're not at sea, I want to wake up in your arms, that's where I'm the most happy. I know I can't expect our life to be free of disagreements, but I do need to know that you aren't going to try to end it because of what other people think or say. I think we should keep it as under wraps as possible, life on Seaview is complicated enough, but if it became public knowledge, I'm prepared to stand by your side no matter what names people call us. Can you do that too?"

"I can and I will."

Lee heard the words even though they were muffled as Nelson spoke into his shoulder. Well, he couldn't ask for more. It might not always be smooth sailing but Nelson was going to try, that's all he could ask. He gripped Nelson's upper arms and moved back so he could look into Nelson's eyes, "Thank you, Harry." And he moved in to kiss the man who had held his heart for so long. Both were tentative at first, lips touching, tongues licking tentatively at each others
mouths until Nelson took the initiative, his tongue darting into Lee's mouth, sliding into the wet warmth, sucking at Lee's tongue, nibbling at his lower lip. Several minutes later they were both
breathless.

As Nelson drew back, needing to catch his breath, he was thrilled to see the smile back on Lee's face, the smile that always made him melt. "Thank you, Lee, for giving us another chance." All of a sudden Nelson found himself stifling a yawn.

Lee chuckled, "I bet you haven't slept very well the last few days. Come here." and he slid round on the couch til he was sitting lengthwise. He pulled Nelson into his arms to lean against his chest. "Relax, Harry. Everything's fine." He kissed the soft, auburn hair and tightened his grip. Nelson's soft sigh of satisfaction brought a smile to his face. He'd let Nelson rest for
an hour or so, then he had some plans for the rest of the evening - and they didn't involve sleeping! Life was good.

END