Title: Worth

Author: Struck

Fandom: Witchblade

Pairing: Ian Nottingham/Kenneth Irons (kind of)

Rating: Strong PG-13 some violence, adult theme

Disclaimer: I do not own characters or show from whence they came.

Summary: Ian reflects on his fantasies

Notes: In answer to Five-minute Challenge issued by Peja w/ opening line of "Fantasies...

(Must I confess I actually spent more than five minutes?...just a little...ok a few hours)

Archives: Yes to WWOMB, any others please ask.

Worth

By Struck

Fantasies…no, not the ones in which Sara and I love each other. Those are sweet, yes. In fact, they are a little too sweet. As my subconscious reminds me…as Kenneth Irons has ingrained in me…I am unworthy of Sara Pezzini’s love. Therefore, those fantasies seem incongruous, even as I indulge in them. Then, afterwards, as self-loathing wells up in me, it is as though those fantasies, rather than being sweet, become putrid, blasphemous; for how dare I cheapen Sara in this way.

The fantasies that stir me might be reprehensible to some, to Sara, I would imagine. They require very little work in the way of imagination, actually. It is my experience, a part of my life, in a sense. But, as I said, it is also a fantasy..in as much as I have control of the outcome.

Kenneth Irons is the one who in the conscious world exerts control. That is the expectation. I am comfortable under his domination. Not to say that I don’t often rebel against it. However, when I do, I also expect that there will be punishment. Of course, Irons doesn’t disappoint. Physically, psychologically, I am beaten down. I know my place. I suffer the abuse, but I rage inwardly. He is wrong to treat me this way, but I will not say this aloud. Now, here is where the fantasy begins.

Kenneth Irons expects this pattern in my behavior as well. In my fantasy, however, I manipulate the underlying emotions for both of us. In my fantasy, Irons feels my indignation. He doesn’t change his actions, but he begins to see me differently. I don’t change my actions, either, but in my fantasy, I allow myself to feel. I hurt. I do not deserve this. And, Kenneth knows this. He despises his actions. He knows I am worthy. When he sees the pain in my eyes…he sighs heavily. When he reaches to touch my face…to wipe away the blood, he is genuinely tender.

I hold him in my gaze. My eyes accuse, yet they also demand acknowledgement. In a look, I convey that I expect and accept this punishment, but I want him to admit that he knows my worth. His usual ice-cold stare softens sympathetically. This is not enough. I shake my head, slowly, and sigh in resignation. If I were a house-pet, I would merit as much from him. That’s when I see it. He clears his throat to regain my attention. I dare to look into his eyes once more. His breath catches. It is what I have hoped for. Admiration…respect. Then…the admission…

"You are worth so much more than this, Ian." As he finishes this declaration, he lowers his gaze and bows his head, as I have done before him, countless times. "I am sorry," he utters.

And this fantasy lingers. This one is truly sweet.

END