Title: Endless Growth

Author: laurel

Author's Website:

Status: NEW - Standalone

Size: 8k

Category: Humor, Hurt/Comfort

Pairings: Mulder/Skinner/Krycek

Rating: R

Gossamer Category: ~ Slash

Summary: Alex answers a junk mail ad with disastrous results.

Notes: In response to Ursula's challenge revolving around junk mail, which also allowed me to incorporate an idea I'd wanted to use.

Reference to the Australian boys courtesy of television show e.r.

Spoilers: None

Warning: May be offensive to the male of the species, or at least cause them to cringe and squeeze their legs together. Yes, it can be fractured, usually due to misadventure or (mis)stroke.

Archive: Okay to WWOMB, anyone else just ask.

Endless growth
By laurel

WANT A BIGGER PENIS?

Alex's eyes flicked over the last of that day's junk mail he'd found in his in-box. Those clever bastards knew how to get past the filters. The header was absolute gibberish so he'd taken a look at the e-mail itself. He was about to hit the delete button. His finger was poised over the little square on his keyboard. It would just be one more thing to erase, another annoyance in a long unending line of spam he received daily.

He didn't know how he'd gotten along before the computer. Relying on the antiquated ballpoint pen and lined paper was now considered quaint. He needed to keep up to date regarding his home security business and got lots of e-mails from colleagues and clients. He also got love notes from his lovers just about every day. He was known to respond quickly to anything that involved business and he reveled in sending and receiving naughty notes to Walter and Fox but it was quite annoying to get so much junk mail advertising Viagara and other prescription medication that could be bought over the internet without a doctor's intervention as well as crazy money scams, although he didn't mind checking out the sex ads featuring college girls who craved big cocks. Fox liked those too.

Instead of hitting delete, he paused and hit the website address. In seconds he was looking at the smiling face of a doctor clad in a white lab coat, holding a big vial of pills. What to read first? The testimonials from alleged real people? The medical explanation? Click on the doctor's face so he could explain how the miracle drug worked?

He clicked on the before and after photos first. In front of his eyes was photographic evidence of the miracle drug that caused cocks the world over to lengthen and thicken from their formerly puny state. Some were so small you practically needed a microscope to view them. His eyes widened comically. Soft, well below average cocks became at least three and more inches longer. They thickened in girth to porn size status.

Next he checked out the anatomy lesson and how the "one hundred percent, naturally produced and harvested hormone" stimulated the tissue inside the fleshy tube hanging between every man's legs to grow phenomenally bigger.

He read the testimonials next. Tina in Texas stated that her husband's bigger penis filled her to the brim! Josh in Illinois was now a ladies' man thanks to his new monstrous member! Tim in New York claimed that "Endless Growth" had saved his marriage. Now his wife strayed no more! Alex had never seen so many exclamation marks.

Walter was a big guy all over, including his thick cock. Fox was a discriminating size queen (which explains why he'd abstained for about seven years or so-he just couldn't find one big enough) with a porn collection that would made Paul Ruben blush. Alex figured it was only a matter of competition. He'd make sure neither of his lovers would ever stray and started to punch in his order.

He ordered a month's supply before he lost his nerve and was delighted to find out that because he'd ordered just before the deadline, he was entitled to the second month free!

Endless Growth was now on its way, as soon as he punched in his post office box number (in existence to receive any strange, illegal or embarrassing merchandise) and credit card number.

The next week he went to check on his mail. He was pleased to find the Jeff Stryker dildo he had ordered as a gag gift for Fox's birthday (gag was the right word-the thing was huge!), his copy of Cosmo magazine (he didn't want Fox or Walter to know he read that-he'd never live it down) and the other assorted magazines he liked to read that his lovers didn't approve of, including Guns and Ammo and Soap Opera Digest.

He nearly squealed when he saw the small box from Endless Growth. He stuffed all his mail and magazines into a tote bag and hauled his booty home. Luckily he was alone. His lovers were out for the day and he could look at his goodies by himself. Plus read his magazines.

He ripped open the small box and pulled out the wrapped paper, throwing it into the recycle bin. He carefully cut out the label from the box and added the plain corrugated box to the bin, then burned the label with his lighter. No evidence could be left. After reading and memorizing the instructions on how to take the pills, he shredded that information and re-labelled the bottle. They were now mega vitamins.

He took two pills every day as directed for a whole week and nothing happened. He measured his cock every day, pumped it into erection and measured, asked his lovers if he looked a bit bigger when they were having sex, but nothing happened. They just looked at him rather strangely.

He started on the second week with sheer disappointment. The things weren't doing a damn thing. He was the same size by the end of the second week and was starting to get pissed off. He had another two to go and then his free second month's supply before he had to shell out another thirty nine ninety five plus shipping and handling.

So he added another pill to his regimen. If two a day wasn't doing the trick, a third wouldn't hurt, he reasoned. It would just speed up the process. And adding a fourth certainly would jump-start the growth that had been promised.

He woke up during the night to a strange tingling in his groin. It wasn't the usual kind that he had when he started getting a hard-on. It wasn't an erotic dream that had gotten him hard. Hell, the dream had been anything but erotic. The horrid dream, well actually nightmare, was already dissolving like cotton candy in his brain but he distinctly remembered Martha Stewart was in it and he was lying on a huge cutting board covered with flour and he winked at her and said "eat me, I'm a cookie!"

He shuddered at the thought then peeked down between the sheets. Beside him Walter snored and grunted, rolled over, growling like a bear that had been interrupted from his hibernation and on the other side, Fox made a weird whimpering noise before shouting "to the Batmobile" then grunted and shimmied further beneath the sheets. Alex shrugged. He made his own weird noises, usually talking in his sleep, at least that's what Fox said and it usually involved reciting grocery lists or ballistics measurements.

He couldn't see in the near dark so he shoved a hand down under and came across the Australian boys. His balls were hanging low but firm under his erection. He fondled them a bit then sighed in contentment. Yup, his cock was lonely. He hadn't gotten any in about three days. He looked left then right. Both of his men were sound asleep. He shrugged again. Oh well, he'd just have fun on his own tonight. He fisted his cock then frowned. Shit it did seem bigger! A whole hell of a lot bigger! Johnny Holmes big, Long Dong Silver big, Jeff Stryker big!

"Yes!" he shouted. "It worked!"

There was a lot of muttering, whining and cursing as his lovers awoke. Walter flicked the light switch and they stared at Alex petulantly. Fox pouted as only he knew how. Walter's scowl had been perfected in his many years as an assistant director. They both scratched their heads as Alex jumped up and down naked in front of the full length mirror on the closet. He jerked off until he was at his supreme hardness then shimmied his hips making his dick swing back and forth.

"Look, it worked, it's bigger!"

"Holy shit, what the hell did you do?" Fox asked.

"Um, super vitamins?" he said haltingly.

"I've got to get me some of those," Walter muttered.

"Stand back now. Make room for it."

Alex dove for the bed, missing his intended target Fox who rolled out of the way (he wasn't letting Alex near him with that big thing!) and slammed his very hard cock against the edge of the mattress as he slid off the slippery sheets.

There was an audible crack and Alex moaned before slumping into the mattress. He howled as his cock began to swell even more, then grabbed his dick.

Walter rolled him over, alarmed now, and when Alex turned, they all gasped. It was broken all right. His cock was bent, clearly fractured.

"That's got to hurt," Fox whispered in sympathy.

Walter clutched his groin reflexively. "I'll call nine-one-one." He grabbed the phone and wondered what he would say to the dispatcher. My lover's cock is broken? The two hundred and seventh bone in my boyfriend's body is fractured? Good thing it was broken and not priapism or elephantiasis. A fractured dick was hard enough to explain. He patted Alex's head and whispered soothingly to him.

Alex grabbed his broken bone and whimpered pathetically.

"First thing tomorrow, we're throwing out those vitamins!" Fox ordered.

END