First Moments After

by Krissy

Disclaimer: Fox Mulder and Alex Krycek do not belong to me, but to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and Fox. Damn. No money made out of this. Double-Damn.

Pairing: Mulder/Krycek

Rating: R for some swearwords and other stuff. No "real" sex in here. Sorry.

Spoiler: Every Krycek episode – just to be sure.

Summary: The title explains it all... just think dirty.

Notes: Set sometime before Requiem. BUT... Alex didn’t loose his arm in Tunguska, he just came very close. This is *my* universe, so don’t argue. Hugs and kisses for my betas Sabelle and Aurora!!!

Archive: Sure. But drop me a line.

Feedback: Always happy about it!

First Moments After

by Krissy

I don’t manage to suppress a groan of loss as he rolls off my body and lays heavily down beside me.

It’s completely dark in Mulder’s bedroom. Not even the light of tonight’s full moon gets past the closed blinds.

I close my eyes and ask myself what he is thinking right now. Is he fully aware of what just happened, or will he kill me as soon as he realises? Never mind that I wasn’t the one who started it in the first place.

* * *

I came here the way I did so often before: I simply picked the lock on door and let myself in while he wasn’t home. When Mulder arrived from work he was that beat that he didn’t even notice me until my gun was pressed firmly in his backside.

Mulder stiffened and instantly hissed my name through gritted teeth. Nothing new there. But I guess I was out of it for a short time, lost in memories which came up forcefully and clouded my brain as I took in his scent after such a long time of no contact, and he managed to throw a punch at me that had me lying at the floor in a second. When I tried to get up Mulder grabbed my gun and the collar of my jacket and backed me up against the next wall. He was furious, this much I could tell. But then again, he was always furious when we met. No big deal, right?

But tonight was different. At first I thought Mulder would actually kill me this time. His eyes where never that dark before. I remember thinking something stupid like "This is what you get for wanting to pass important information." but then I saw something else in his eyes. I don’t know what it was, but Mulder’s face went totally blank from one moment to the next. He regarded me thoughtfully and I began to feel the first signs of panic rise inside me (you never know what cruel things go on in his head when it comes to my lovely self), when Mulder leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. I was scared out of my mind. What was I supposed to do now? Kiss back? Yeah sure, and he tears my fucking tongue out. No way. Then he opened up and I felt his tongue searching my own. Damn, this was to good to be true. Unfortunately my brain decided to work overtime and I couldn’t really give myself into it. Thousands of "what ifs" flowed through my mind.

Mulder seemed to sense my dilemma and backed off. After he stared at me for some time, making me wonder if he maybe was a clone or something instead of the real thing, he threw the gun in the general direction of the couch, grabbed me by the collar again and dragged me into his bedroom. Fuck, I didn’t even know that he had had a bedroom up to then... I was thrown onto the bed and soon Mulder was all over me. I decided to go into passive mode and let him do whatever he thought he had to. And he seemed to enjoy it. Well, I certainly did. My clothes were soon gone and his followed shortly after that. The rest is history. And I’ll never forget it for the rest of my life. The question was: how much time did I have left?

* * *

God, I wish Mulder would say something. Anything, for Christ’s sake. He isn’t even moving and I’ll be damned if I do.

I’m so afraid. That’s ridiculous, I know. But if he should open those beautiful eyes and the same hate would show that did so many times before… I’m not sure I could stand it.

This wasn’t just an irrelevant fuck. Not for me anyway. And I dearly hope it wasn’t for him, either.

When Mulder moves suddenly I nearly jump out of my skin. Automatically I close my eyes as tight as I can, praying everything would be all right. I feel him stop moving but I don’t dare to breathe. After some time I just can’t stand it any longer. I have to risk a look. Damn my curiosity to hell.

Slowly, I open my eyes. I try to steal a look out of the corner of me eye, but it’s simply too dark. Darn.

"You know… I never realised how damn pretty you are."

"What?", I ask incredulously. My voice almost breaks. Peachy.

I hear him sigh heavily. Then there is a rustling and faint squeaking as he shifts to turn the light on. I have to shield my eyes from the sudden brightness. When my eyes have adjusted I glance at him and my heart nearly stops beating.

Good God.

Mulder is lying on his right side, facing me. One arm tucked under his head, the other resting loosely on his hip, he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. But what shocks me the most is that he is smiling. A real smile. I don’t fucking believe this!

"I think we need to talk."

Damn. He sounds so… normal. And happy. Wait… Happy? I guess I am in serious trouble.

"Hey. Are you with me?". Ah, now Mulder sounds concerned. Great. The man is concerned about *my* health.

All of a sudden I feel a bit nauseous.

I manage a fast "Excuse me." and make a run for the bathroom. Shit, there was a time I swore I would never go into a bathroom again, and now I’m actually running for it. Shit, shit, shit.

Slumped over the toilet I try a bit of heaving but I haven’t had anything to eat today so it’s no surprise to me that nothing comes up.

"Are you okay?"

His soft monotone voice startles me and I turn around too fast. My neck cracks a bit and I grimace at the slight pain.

In an instant Mulder is with me, holding my neck, looking deep into my eyes. And I’m lost. I know it.

"Come back to bed, will you? You’re going to catch a cold if you stay on the floor too long."

Mulder takes my arm and leads me back to his bedroom. God, I swear, if he is going to tuck me in like a damn child I’m going to loose it.

Fortunately for us both he does not. He just holds up the blanket and motions for me to get in. Well, who am I to argue. Besides, if I’m standing any longer my legs are going to give away any way.

As soon as I’m in Mulder follows me. I try to move to the other side of the bed to make room for him but he holds me back and pulls me into his arms. Hesitantly I lay my head on his shoulder.

"You know, I never thought we would end up like this."

I have to laugh at Mulder’s comment.

"Neither did I, if it helps."

He actually chuckles a bit at that, then turns serious.

"Um... I think I have to explain a few things to you." Mulder takes a deep breath, preparing for whatever will come next. "I didn’t mean to jump you, you know? It’s not… not like I planned this or anything. I didn’t even know what I was feeling for you until, well, until I looked into your eyes tonight and you were so afraid and… and so lonely. I’m lonely, too, you know. And afraid. Afraid that I’ll stay lonely. Always. Die alone and all that stuff. I… I guess I never thought about it. I mean, that you could be feeling the same. And maybe… um… I know you killed my father and did other…" A deep breath again. "…things. Bad things. But I realised tonight… tonight I realised that you never really had a chance and… and that you deserve one. Like anybody. Even me, you know? So I decided to start again. Like nothing happened. Giving into what I was feeling for you. Finally. It is hard for me, but I really wanted - and still want - to do this. With you. And, well, that’s it. You… you don’t have to say anything. Just think about it. Please."

I lay there, stunned. But he doesn’t want me to say anything. So I won’t. I did kill his father. I don’t deserve to be here. In his arms. I just don’t deserve it. But he thinks I do. And I think he needs time to think about everything himself. So I stay still and just enjoy his warmth.

Mulder clears his throat.

"Um… are you okay now? I mean, you didn’t look all that good before." Mulder is uncertain, I can sense it. Good, because it makes me feel a little bit less jerky.

"Yeah, I guess I’m okay. Was just overwhelmed, that’s all. It doesn’t happen every day, that your mortal enemy decides to fuck and take pity on you."

As soon as the words left my mouth I regret my lousy choice of them. Damn, why do I always have to destroy everything? But to my complete astonishment Mulder begins to laugh. Hard. I’m literally shaking as his laughter ripples through me.

"What? What did I say?"

He tries to get a grip and when he manages to calm down he says: "Imagine… imagine that! ‘Scully, you know what? I just fucked Alex Krycek and enjoyed it immensely!’ Wanna bet how long she needs to pull out her gun and shoot me?"

Mulder begins to laugh again and all I can do is stare at him like I’ve never seen him before.

"Would you please stop? You’ll wake the whole neighbourhood. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning!"

He desperately tries to stop himself. Grinning he looks at me for a moment and then moves to kiss me full force.

Not many people have kissed me. My mother, yes. But she died when I was just a little kid, so my memories are pretty faded.

Then there was my father. But come to think of it… he never really kissed me. Or hugged me, for that matter. The only time ever that he showed any signs of loving me was when he laid his hand on my shoulder on my mothers funeral. But maybe that wasn’t love, and he just took pity on me. I’ll never now. Steve… Steve was my first boyfriend, if you could call it that. I think he only liked fucking me. When I wasn’t in the mood he tended to just take what he wanted. Shortly afterwards he would kiss me so damn tenderly that one day I just couldn’t take it anymore - to love and not being loved in return - and left. I left my father (the man I only had hate left for), my friends (never had much of them anyway) and my town. The latter was the worst though. Leaving the place of my birth, my roots, and most painfully, my mother. After Steve there were a few people who kissed me, but mostly on a more... professional basis. I really don’t want to think about them right now… not with Mulder in my arms, his mouth on mine, making those damn sexy noises. Kissing… I could kiss this man all day. All night. Because he makes me feel *loved*. Because I love him… God, I think I went nuts!

After the longest kiss I ever shared with anyone I lay my head back down onto his chest.

Maybe Mulder is not going to kill me after all. Maybe all this is meaning something for him. And maybe we even have a future together.

I sigh deeply. He reaches over me and turns off the light. The darkness swallows us up as we cuddle contentedly.

"Goodnight, Alex."

"Goodnight, Fox."

"Don’t call me that."

Well, okay. Some things *never* change.

THE END