Sleeping Alone

by Hepaestion

Hepaestion@aol.com

webpage: http://slashcity.com/Hepaestion

disclaimer: characters belong to chris carter and 1013 productions

author's note: song belongs to Cher called 'we all sleep alone' found on her 'CHER' CD

keywords: m/m slash, angst,

rating: M/K angst, M/Ot sex

archive: Yes

Sleeping Alone
by Hepaestion

Mulder walked the dark streets that led toward his apartment. He sighed and looked up into the deep starless sky. Scully had almost been killed again, and it would have been his fault. He would never forget the look on her face, the blood on her shirt and the way she clutched at him. He held back his own tears; he'd thought her dead when he'd first stormed into the bedroom. He wondered sometimes why he didn't make 'his' move on her. Isn't that what the 'world' expected? He'd considered, now and then, that was even what Scully expected from him.

'Do I love her?' Mulder asked himself. He walked around; the passion he felt for her was as aimless as his steps. He didn't feel the incredible need in his loins to take Scully to his bed, to take her body, to possess her. He was not in love with her.

Mulder realized that if he did have that kind of 'love' for Scully, he wouldn't be sleeping alone.
'We all sleep alone eventually', Mulder said to his shadow as it followed him along the building fronts.

That reminded him of a song and Mulder began to hum. He allowed his eidetic memory to replay the words:

somebody, somewhere turns off the lights
somebody all alone faces the night
you got to be strong
when you're out on your own
'cause sooner or late
we all sleep alone
nobody nowhere holds the key to your heart
when love's a possession it'll tear you apart
you may have lovers wherever you roam
but sooner or later
we all sleep alone

Mulder let his feet and the loneliness inside his heart lead him to a near by bar.

He wondered if 'he' slept alone?

Mulder walked in and instantly noticed a few people look in his direction. A quick scan revealed a mixed crowd, typical of that bar. He didn't see any red heads that would make him feel guilty for the hidden, dark need he felt inside.

Mulder walked over to the bar and took a brief glance at his reflection in the mirror. Too many years of feeling unloved and unnoticed by his family, along with too many years in the closet, made him doubt his attractiveness. Mulder felt ugly and dirty. He figured he was only good enough for his right hand that constantly kept him company and sane. Mulder felt he was someone no one could love. Wasn't that what 'he' had said to him, anyway?

Mulder ordered the single malt Scotch, which he sipped slowly. Wanting to remember tonight, he didn't want alcohol to make his decision as it had so often in the past. He wanted to consciously commit his sin.

Mulder couldn't help but remember the song he'd hummed earlier:

The young and the young at heart wait
but the wait never ends in the soul
when you feel like it's all blown away
Independence has come
and into the night I go

Mulder realized he'd been thinking about Alex. Alex Krycek: the man who tormented Mulder's heart and soul.

'No, it's over. He never loved me, he doesn't want me,' Mulder thought as he stared into his drink and took another sip. He felt the tears wanting to escape; he could probably flood the bar with them.

He suddenly heard a body slide onto the stool next to him. A voice that wasn't very deep with just a slight lisp spoke to him. Mulder turned to the man and saw the greenest eyes and the prettiest face a man could have. The man was young and probably barely 21. He looked like Krycek's kid brother and that thought brought a sad smile Mulder's face.

'Are you meeting someone here?' the stranger asked.

'No, hoping to meet someone new,' Mulder said, figuring shyness wasn't his game tonight.

'My name is Matthew, ' the stranger said and extended his hand for a handshake.

'My name is Fox,' Mulder said and shook hands with the handsome young man.

Mulder felt like a lecherous old man and liked it. He never did this when he was younger, when he could had flirted with young men without any guilt. Instead, his fear of parental disapproval was so great, that he sacrificed his happiness for their needs.

'Can I buy you another drink, Fox?' Matthew asked.

'Can I take you home, Matthew?' was Mulder's frank reply.

The young man was a bit shocked, but inwardly he knew he was sexually attracted to the older man. The man named Fox was tall, with dark hair that barely contained strands of silver in it. The eyes were hazel in the dark light of the bar, and his well-toned body looked appropriate in the expensive suit. His mouth was sheer perfection, thought Matthew. It had a pout, a bottom lip that was full and looked kissable. 'How could this man be single?' he wondered to himself.

'Ok. Your place I hope -- I have a roommate,' Matt said.

'My place is close by. Let's go,' Mulder said and paid the bartender. Both men left the bar uncaring of the stares from some of the patrons.

They spoke very little as they walked to Mulder's apartment building. Once inside number 42, Matthew made his move. He grabbed Mulder's hand and brought the handsome man against him. He looked into eyes that seemed so melancholy and somber, they spoke to him with that stare. Matthew was taken by shock when he felt the gun under Mulder's suit. Suddenly fearing the worst, that he had fallen in a trap of a homokiller, the memory of Matt Shepard flashed alarmingly through his mind.

'It's ok, I'm not going to hurt you. Let me show you my ID. I'm a FBI agent,' Mulder assured him as he showed his identification.

Matthew smiled, but could feel his body still shaking. Mulder wrapped his arms around the obviously frightened man.

'Shhhhh, it's ok. I'm sorry that happened,' Mulder said, rubbing his hands up and down the slim back.

'It's so scary! Guys pick up gay men just to kill them. After the Matt Shepard murder, I was tempted to go back in the closet and just forget about it! My parents are worried sick about me and I barely date. Every time I meet someone, I'm afraid it's some guy that's gonna end up killing me,' he babbled nervously. "Why doesn't the FBI do something? You're gay and in the FBI; why can't you find these killers? Why are we being punished? We don't hurt anyone. I just don't want to sleep alone, like everyone else," Matt said softly in Mulder's arms.

Mulder listened to the young man's valid questions, but he knew he had no answers. How could he explain the homophobia within the FBI? How could he tell him he was also frightened of being found out, of being prosecuted for it, of losing family, friends and career because of it? Instead, Mulder lifted the young man's face up and looked into the wet eyes that glistened with tears. He leaned down and kissed the mouth that was sweet with the taste of youth and innocence.

'That's it!' Mulder thought. He needed to be with someone who was innocent! Someone who didn't want anything from him, who wasn't questioning his faith, his love, his motives, and who wasn't interested in aliens or conspiracies; that was what he needed!

He kissed Matthew on the mouth, tasting the sweetness of 21.

Mulder looked into the green eyes and wondered if his ex-lover had ever been that innocent. Had Alex ever taken advantage of an older man's lust for the taste of youth?

Matthew could feel his cock hard already, his earlier fear forgotten by one kiss, one incredible kiss; he'd known those lips were made for kissing. He was still feeling the adrenaline from finding the gun, but it only heightened his sense of relief. Gauging Fox's reaction to him, the way those sad eyes embraced him, he figured the older man was remembering someone he'd once loved.

Mulder smiled and lead the man to his bedroom. There, both men discarded their clothes. Mulder watched the young man disrobe. He was not surprised to find the body was beautiful, too. 'Almost perfect,' he thought. There wasn't a hair on the legs or chest, with skin smooth as a sculpture. The cock was not large, just a perfect bit over 6 1/2 inches, with its foreskin attached.

Mulder looked down and saw the obvious result of his growing passion for the young man. He watched the small droplet of pre-cum glistening at the tip of his cock. He wondered how far he could go with the young man he wanted so much tonight.

Matthew looked at the older man; he saw the beautiful body and how it was connected to a large penis, cut and hard -- ready for him. He walked over like a hungry puppy starving for a bone, and instantly went to his knees.

'Look at me while you do it, Matthew. I want see your eyes,' Mulder whispered.

Matthew nodded and licked the shaft. His eyes locked on Mulder's face, on the mouth that moaned and groaned with each lick. Eventually, licking that beautiful cock wasn't enough and he swallowed the engorged organ. He saw Mulder's head lean back, but soon he was watching him again. Those eyes looked into his own as he swallowed the cock down his throat. Matthew's hands caressed the heavy sac that was filled with the precious manjuice.

Mulder felt the hot young mouth on his cock, working hungry and fast. No, the kid wasn't an expert and he was glad. He was just what Mulder had wanted and needed tonight. Soon enough, Mulder pushed the kid's mouth off his cock.

'Stand up Matthew, let me taste you, boy,' Mulder said in a husky voice.

Matthew stood, his erect cock bobbed inches from the FBI Agent's face. Mulder smiled at it, then he kissed it. He grabbed the cock at the base and put it down his throat. He sucked it hard and slow, like Krycek had taught him. He deep-throated the young organ to the base and never scratched once.

Matthew moaned and put his fingers through Mulder's silky mane. Matt's hips did the familiar motion as he fucked the older man's mouth.

'Oh, yeah suck me, Fox. God, you're so good! Please let me cum, Fox' Matthew said, feeling his balls tighten.

Fox pushed the young man's cock as deep inside his throat as possible and felt the warm gush slide down his esophagus. He wondered what miracle it would create in his body. He figured he just stole a little bit of youth, but exactly how many weeks, months or years it would return to his own clock, he was unsure.

Matthew felt the slight afterglow of cumming but knew he was not finished yet, not at all.

'Yes Fox, yes. I know you want to fuck me and the answer is yes. That's exactly what I want! I trust you, so not too rough, please?' Matt requested. He walked over to the bed, lying on his stomach, waiting for Mulder's cock.

Mulder's hands caressed the smooth, untarnished flesh. He savored this feeling! He saw the most beautiful moment any human could experience unravel, the moment when one man surrended his body to pleasure another. Mulder's licked the young back and encountered no gun or knife wounds. He kissed both arms that were complete and strong. He licked the crack, his tongue swiping the small hole that was his goal. He heard the young man moan as he arch his hips and brought the small, pale ass towards Mulder's face. When Mulder rubbed his cheek against the ass, he saw one of his tears hit the pale cheek. He thought how sick and weak his father would find him now, even though Mulder felt strong and assured. Mulder brought his mouth again to the young man's ass, his nose taking in the masculine smells that excited his body. Mulder very gently parted the young man's ass, uncovering the small hairless orifice that just might make him weep. Mulder's thumb slowly rubbed the hole and he heard Matthew gasp. Mulder pointed his tongue and like a miniature phallus, he drove it inside the dark pink asshole.

'Ohhhhhhhhh Fox!' Matthew said aloud, feeling the warm tongue slowly fucking his asshole. Matthew clutched the sheets of the waterbed and felt the slow ass licking this stranger was giving him.

'Please, Fox, please, I want you inside me. Come on baby, fuck me,'Matthew said when he couldn't stand the wait any longer.

Mulder heard the pleas and kissed both cheeks before standing to get the condoms and lube. After getting his hard cock ready, he dabbed some lube on the asshole.

'Fox, easy please. Remember, not too rough,' Matthew reminded him softly.

'It's ok, baby, I want it nice and easy tonight,' Mulder said as he rubbed the mushroom shape head of his cock against the small orifice. Slowly, Mulder pushed in, watching as the almost impossible small hole began to open with the pressure of the cock. Slowly expanding, the hole took in the latex covered cock until the mushroom head was inside. Mulder felt a slight tremble in his hand; it had been too long and it was never like this with.... Are you ok?' Mulder asked his lover, softly caressing the young man's back.

'Oh god, yes. Oh god, you're big! I feel so open. Don't stop, it's going great,' Matt said.

So slowly, Mulder inched in more and more of his cock until he was embedded to the base. He leaned on the young man's strong back and wrapped his arms around him as he began the slow thrusts.

Matt felt the leisurely thrusts of the man's cock going deep inside his ass. He never remembered sex this hot and so intense. He bit the pillow and held onto the hands that were wrapped around him. Matt's ass met with each thrust of Mulder's cock, the steady rhythm making their sexual pleasure long lasting. They made love nonstop for almost an hour. Mulder kept going, and made Matthew cum at least twice before he came hard, mumbling another man's name under his breath.

They were exhausted. Mulder had only enough energy left to clean himself and his young lover with one of the extra bed sheets, and neither man wanted to leave just yet. At least for one night, Mulder knew he wasn't going to sleep alone. Unsure of what tonight had accomplished, he watched the young man sleeping beside him, and knew it wasn't going any further than this. The song from earlier resurfaced again in his mind:

don't make no promises
that I can't keep
won't be no prisoner
of somebody's needs
well you may have your lovers
wherever you roam
but sooner or later
we all sleep alone

Mulder felt content that night. Even though he had a feeling he wasn't going to find his young lover in his bed the next morning, he was OK with that. He knew what he had to do now. Mulder was going to fight to win back the man he loved, and to keep the friends and family that would continue to love him. Mulder wasn't going to let his job be his life, nor was he going to be content to fall asleep curled up with a case file. This brief encounter, it's correlation to the song that looped around in his mind, the brief taste of a different way of life, had all blended together to show him the meaning in what he already had. He had never truly been alone.

Matthew tiptoed out of the FBI agent's apartment. He didn't want to wake the man and politely just left a note of 'thanks'. Matthew took the elevator and could feel the slight 'empty' feeling this morning, a feeling he got after being fucked. He walked out of the building, waiting pensively until the car pulled up to pick him up.

Matthew sat in the passenger's seat and turned to face the man driving. 'I left him sleeping. He was even smiling. I think he was dreaming about you,' Matthew mused.

Alex Krycek looked at the face the young boy that was so similar to his own.

He handed Matthew the envelope that was filled with the agreed amount. The young hustler smiled and counted the bills; he'd actually enjoyed the trick. The older guy proved not to be so nutty or weird, but kinda 'sensitive'. Fox Mulder was not the man he'd expected him to be.

'You know, that was cool. Maybe I should be an actor or something. I kinda got into that 'innocent' thing, and I was damned good. You should have been there. I did freak out a bit when I noticed his gun. Damn, I thought I got tricked into getting fucked by some maniac. But then you never told me he was an FBI agent. He was worth it.' He giggled and kissed the money before he stuffed in his pocket.

Alex drove the kid to his apartment. He leaned across him to open the door, then blocked his exit. Before letting Matthew out of the car, he said, "You've done your job, and you'd better have done it right. You've been paid well so Mulder could have a moment of sweet passion. I wanted him to feel desired and attractive, experience a few simple moments of happiness.

'Don't forget the last part of this deal; you leave DC forever. If I ever see you again, I will kill you,' Alex said, his voice lethal, his eyes feral. Matthew shivered and nodded obediently to the man behind the wheel of the car.

Alex watched him run towards his apartment and had no doubt his message was crystal clear in the kid's brain. Alex closed his eyes and held back a sob, his heart breaking because he missed Fox so much. He would do anything to make Mulder happy, and last night he did. Last night, he'd slept alone, while knowing the man he loved was being held in arms of another.

Instead of nightmares that evening, Mulder dreamed of some good times he'd shared with Alex. When he awoke the next morning, alone as he'd known he would be, he felt a bit younger, a bit more attractive and considerably more alive than he'd been the day before.

The End