Stakeout (A Coupla Fibbies Sittin' Around In the Woods, er... Talking)

by Jennie and Dr Ruthless

Pairing: Mulder/Krycek

Category: Humor, Vignette

Rating: R

Summary: Bigfoot, splinter, fire, marshmallows

Stakeout (A Coupla Fibbies Sittin' Around In the Woods, er... Talking)
by Jennie and Dr Ruthless

"Mulder, it's fucking cold out here. And dark."

"That's the nature of a stakeout, Krycek. We'll be here forever if you keep whining, though."

"I am not whining - I'm complaining. There *is* a difference, you know."

"I don't think that Bigfoot will understand the difference, Krycek. Keep it down to a dull roar, would you?"

"Bigfoot, my ass. Any self-respecting ape-like creature is curled up someplace *warm* for the night. Like we should be."

"What's the matter, Krycek? Didn't you bring your teddy bear with you?"

"Fuck you, Mulder. The least you could have done was bring a couple of blankets."

"Hey, I'm not cold. You're the one that wants a blanket. Now shut up. I'm trying to listen for Bigfoot."

"Jesus, Mulder! Do you really think that Big-fucking-foot won't smell that cologne you doused yourself with? If - and that's a big if - he's out there, he'll take a wide detour around us once the stench of Polo reaches his nostrils."

"My, my. You're bitchy tonight. I feel almost like Scully is still with me. Look, if you're cold, why don't you light a fire?"

"A fire would only scare off your precious Bigfoot. And I am *not* bitchy. I'm
cold."

"Perhaps Bigfoot will come to see what the hell's going on. Besides, we can toast marshmallows."

"Marshmallows? You brought *marshmallows* and no blankets?"

"I like marshmallows. What's your point?"

"You know, it's absolutely astounding that Scully never shot your sorry ass. It never fucking occurred to you that it gets cold out here?"

Sigh.

"Fine. A Fire. *You* can get some wood when you go back to the car for your precious marshmallows."

"I don't need to go back to my car. I have them right here."

Rustling sounds.

"Here, Krycek. Want a marshmallow?"

"You said *toasted* marshmallows, Mulder. Go get wood and make me a fire, nature-boy."

"Ooh, Krycek. You sound more like Scully than ever."

Faint crackling and rustling sounds.

"There. Better?"

"Marginally. You'll need a stick to toast my marshmallows on, though."

"For fuck's sake, Krycek. Light the fire, and then we'll find a stick. You think I can see in the dark, like a fucking owl, or what?"

"Me light the fire? Do I *look* like I was a cub scout? You're the great outdoorsman. Besides, I quit smoking. Don't have any matches."

"I don't smoke either. You're the one that wants the fire. You think of something."

"Fuck! Okay... I'll go to the car and use the lighter to start some of those fast food wrappers decorating your backseat on fire. While I'm gone, you get the wood ready. It won't light just scattered on the ground like that, you have to... arrange it, or something."

"I love it when you dominate me, Krycek."

"Anyone ever mention that you are one sarcastic sonofabitch? Be careful what you say, Mulder. I could get used to dominating you very easily. Then again, maybe that's what you like?"

"Sarcasm? I wasn't being sarcastic, Krycek. I think you're very commanding when you get all butch like that. Here. Have a marshmallow."

"Gimme that. I'll eat it on the way to the car. In fact, gimme two."

Rustle. Footsteps stomping off in the direction of the car.

"Not being sarcastic. Commanding. *Butch*. Bastard. *Don't* sit there on your ass while I'm gone - I expect to see a fire ready to light when I get back."

"Damned, wet-behind-the-ears rookie. I'll show him."

Rustling, fumbling. A sharp crack, and a cry.

"Ow. Owowow."

"Mulder? *MULDER?* This is no time for one of your sick pranks."

A distant moan.

"Shit! Mulder, are you okay?"

"Ow, Krycek. Hurry up with that firestarter."

Sounds of thrashing about in the darkness, and then a silence that bodes no good.

"Talk to me, Mulder, tell me what's wrong."

"Krycek, just get that fire and hurry back."

"Yeah, yeah."

Loud noises as a body passes through the woods.

"Mulder." Pant, pant. "What the hell happened? Straighten up, lemme see that hand you're clutching."

"Light the fire first, Krycek, or it will go out."

"*Now* who's dominating and butch?"

Rustle. Crackling. Coughing.

"There. Now, show me your damned hand, already."

"Owowowow..." Rustling and crunching. "Goddammit, Krycek. That hurts."

"*WHAT* hurts? I can't see a damned thing wrong here. Wait... is this a... a *splinter*? You wimp!"

Whimpering sounds, a grunt, and then a scream.

"Godfuckingdammit, Krycek. Are you trying to kill me? You bit me..."

Pause.

"It's gone. Hey. It's gone, Krycek."

Snort.

"I cannot *believe* you made such a big fucking deal about a little old splinter. You want me to kiss it all better?"

"I happen to be very sensitive."

Pause.

"Krycek? Will you kiss it better for me, please?"

"You're kidding, right?"

"Bloody hell. Why don't you ever do anything I say first time? Come here."

Surprised noises, a gasp, some rustling, and a moist, sticky sound.

"There, all better now?"

Pause.

"Mulder? Your finger is still on my li- mmmph."

Slurp.

Sigh.

"Damn, I didn't think that splinter went all the way down to your knuckle. How about this finger? Does it hurt, too?"

"Can't you just comfort me the way I obviously deserve, for goodness sake? I can tell you didn't major in Psychology."

Pause, and then distinct kissing sounds.

"Think you're warming up, Krycek?"

"Mmmhmm. My own personal Mulder-heater, very nice."

More rustling sounds.

"Oh! Even better with you on top of me like that."

"It's a known fact, Krycek, that two bodies huddling together can stave off hypothermia."

"Increased heartbeat does the same thing, I hear. Kiss me again, and let's see if that one's true,too."

Loooong pause.

"Oh yeah. Definitely works."

Rustling, crackling, moans.

"You're quite the survivalist, Krycek. Your weapon is always ready."

Snicker.

"So is yours."

Pause.

Gasp.

"Oh shit, Mulder, do that again!"

Moan.

"Think we'd get frostbite in any embarrassing places if we brought our lower bodies into more... intimate contact?"

"Something bite, but definitely not frost. Krycek, you are *most certainly* not Scully. I'm sorry for doubting you. Mmm..."

Squelch.

"Oh yeah..."

"God, that feels good. More. Harder."

Panting.

Moaning.

"Damn these clothes! I want to feel all of you, Mulder."

Pause.

"Unnnngh. You definitely have hidden talents."

"They aren't hidden right now, Krycek. They're hanging out in the breeze, which seems to be growing stronger."

Kissing sounds, and a moan.

"Oh, fuck, right there. Right there, yes."

Increasingly desperate sounds.

"Mulder? Mulder, I'm gonna-"

A scream.

A sob.

"Ohgodohgodohgod. Mulder... Mulder, come for me. Come *on* me. Right now."

"Bossy bastard... Ah... Oh, GodYesyesyessss!"

Sigh

Pantpantpant.

"Krycek?"

"Mmmhmm?"

"There's something on the other side of the fire. Look. Right there."

Gasp.

Giggle.

"Looks like Bigfoot found *you*, Mulder. And, he seems to like what he's seeing."

"But they're mine."

Plaintive whimper.

"Don't let him take them. I don't have any more."

"Are you *insane*? I'm not gonna take on that beast."

Pout.

Longsuffering sigh.

"Mulder, we've seen one. That means we can go back to the motel now. We'll stop at a 24 hour store on the way and I'll buy you all the marshmallows you want."

"Okay, Krycek. Whatever you say."

Pause... Fumble. Rustle.

"Krycek? That fucking Bigfoot's got my jacket."

"To hell with your jacket, Mulder. Get your priorities in order. Hotel. Bed. Heat. Mind-blowing sex."

Pout.

Sigh.

"Okay, look, we'll get more marshmallows and other - er - necessities on the way back to the motel. First thing in the morning, I'll buy you a new jacket. Now, let's get the hell out of here!"

Sigh

"Sure thing, but Krycek...? My gun and my cellphone are in that jacket."

Rustle, kiss.

"Oh, okay. Mind-blowing sex, you said? Works for me."

### The End ###