Title: The Foxy Horror Picture Show: A Lost X-File
Authors: Kindli, Ladyluck and Candace
Date: 10/02
Fandom: X-Files
Pairing: Mulder/Krycek (various others)
Rating: NC-17
Feedback: kindli27@hotmail.com - ereshkigal44@yahoo.com - candacerb@msn.com (any one of us will forward the message on to the others)
Notes: This is a rewrite of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, it's not a crossover. Originally posted at the Cube, this has graphics, but to view them, you'd need to visit The Cube. Written in script form, this is better understood if you've actually seen the RHPS.
Summary: Mulder and Krycek end up in a mansion full of real aliens.
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me, and I'm making no profit from writing this.
THE FOXY HORROR PICTURE SHOW: A LOST X-FILE
Written by Kindli, Ladyluck and Candace
Graphics by Candace
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(In order of appearance)
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
MONICA REYES
Lucy Lawless as SHANNON
FOX MULDER
ALEX KRYCEK
Melvin Frohike as FRIFF-FRAFF
Ringo Langly as LANGENTA
Jeff Spender as SPENDUMBIA
A.D. Walter Skinner as SPANK-N-WIENER
Dana Scully as SCULKY
John Doggett as DOGGIE
WELL-MANICURED MAN
SAMANTHA MULDER
*****************
FRIDAY EVENING X-FILES
(Sung to the tune of "Science Fiction Double Feature")
Clyde Bruckman had trouble
He saw his death in the rubble
While mocking the government man.
Jeremiah Smith was there
Performing human repair
Carrying out the rebel's plan.
The ABH came too
With the attempt to subdue
By using his trusty plam.
Jose Chung told the story
Taking away all our glory
And this is how his prologue ran...
A dead informer (ooh, ooh, ooh) called Mister X
Wrote with his blood (ooh, ooh, ooh) to be afraid
In order to warn (ooh, ooh, ooh) Fox and Alex
That their trust (Ooh, ooh, ooh) would always be betrayed.
Woo oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
On the weekly, Friday evening, X-Files Show.
Oh, oh, oh, ohhhh
Tooms enjoys human liver
Making most people quiver
He needs to eat five to satisfy.
Jinniyah granted wishes
Her masters all sleep with the fishes.
Now free, she likes to watch the world go by.
Eve would never have thought
Two clones she sought
Would actually help her die.
And then Pollidori
Created Mutato for glory
Ignoring the sound of his victim's cry.
Like when a....
Dead informer (ooh, ooh, ooh) called Mister X
Wrote with his blood (ooh, ooh, ooh) to be afraid
In order to warn (ooh, ooh, ooh) Fox and Alex
That their trust (ooh, ooh, ooh) would always be betrayed
Woo, ooh, ooh
On the weekly, Friday evening, X-Files Show.
Oh, oh, oh, ohhhh
On the weekly, Friday evening, X-Files Show
See another freak... oh, oh, oh, oh
On the weekly, Friday evening, X-Files Show
Watch Ratboy sneak... oh, oh, oh, oh
On the weekly, Friday evening, X-Files Show.
The future looks bleak.... Oh, oh, oh, oh
On the weekly, Friday evening, X-Files Show.
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey. It opens...
[Tears open cigarette package]
in the town of Roswell, at a wedding. What could be more innocuous than that, eh?
[Evil smile]
It was there that Fox Mulder,
[Extracts a Morley from the cigarette package]
having conveniently ditched his long-suffering partner at the cake table, was about to have
[Slips the Morley between his lips]
a most unusual encounter.
[Lights a match]
And things would heat up from there...
[Draws on cigarette, then exhales until only a glowing, red-hot circle is seen, surrounded by a cloud of smoke]
Come, sit on my lap and I'll tell you all about it...
[SCENE: Outside the church as the doors open and members of a wedding party spill out. The guests mill around tossing rice at MONICA and SHANNON, the two newlyweds.]
MONICA
Hey, terrific!
[Pulls Mulder to the side]
I guess I finally did it, huh?
MULDER
No doubt about that! You and Shannon got off to a rocky start, but once you got over your suspicions, you seem to get on quite well.
MONICA
Oh yeah. [Winks at Mulder] Especially after she showed me the advantages of having a super soldier for a lover.
SHANNON
[Shouts]
Okay everyone, this is it. You ready?
MONICA
Looks like Shannon is about to throw her bouquet.
[Mulder turns to watch, and notices Krycek attempting to creep past the screaming throng. The bouquet is tossed, hitting Krycek on the cheek as he reflexively grabs it. The crowd laughs and catcalls. Krycek looks around nervously, catches sight of Mulder and freezes. Mulder smiles inwardly, and begins moving in Krycek's direction]
MONICA
[Taking it all in]
Hey, Mulder, looks like you'll be next, hmm?
MULDER
What? Married?
MONICA
[Laughs]
To get laid! Anyway, Mulder, time for us to get going. Shannon, are you ready?
[She gestures to Shannon, who quickly joins her as they race toward the car, anxious to get the honeymoon underway. Monica shoots Mulder a knowing smile, mouthing the words "Go get him!" and pointing toward Krycek as the car speeds away. Before Krycek can take another step, Mulder catches up and tackles the surprised man to the ground]
MULDER
You know, in some cultures, the bouquet is a symbol of readiness for commitment. The person who catches it has been deemed to be capable of the loyalty and fidelity that comes with being married. Obviously the fates were mistaken this time, hmm? [Indicates the bouquet of roses which Krycek dropped when he fell.]
KRYCEK
Fuck you.
MULDER
What are you doing here?
KRYCEK
None of your business.
MULDER
Everything you do is my business. You gonna tell me why you're here, or do I have to arrest you?
KRYCEK
Arrest me? For what?
MULDER
Alex Krycek just happens to be in Roswell to attend a wedding? Who sent you? What group are you working for now?
KRYCEK
I don't work for a group, Mulder. I work for one man. And besides, I'm on your side.
MULDER
My side? Krycek, you're nothing but a liar, a traitor, and...
[A crack of thunder is heard]
DAMMIT, ALEX
(Sung to the tune of "Dammit, Janet")
MULDER
Hey, Alex.
KRYCEK
Yeah?
MULDER
I've got something to say.
KRYCEK
What now?
MULDER
Don't think I missed the artless way
You plammed that pianist
While he fixed his toupee.
[He shoves Krycek forward]
KRYCEK
Uh, you saw that?
MULDER
How'd you know he was a grey?
CHORUS
Alex.
MULDER
Are you destroying more evidence?
CHORUS
Alex.
MULDER
What have you got to say in your defense?
CHORUS
Alex.
MULDER
I've one thing to say and that's dammit, Alex, I hate you!
What master sent you here, this time?
CHORUS
Alex.
MULDER
What crime will you commit, this time?
CHORUS
Alex.
MULDER
What way do you plan to use me, this time?
CHORUS
Alex.
MULDER
I've one thing to say and that's dammit, Alex...I hate you!
I suppose this is more of your handiwork.
I can see it in your smirk.
The way you creep around and lurk
Most people think you're nothing but a jerk.
KRYCEK
You see, now you're jumping to conclusions.
CHORUS
Mulder.
KRYCEK
Always giving me contusions.
CHORUS
Mulder.
KRYCEK
You're just full of delusions.
CHORUS
Mulder.
KRYCEK
We'll just go see the man who employs me.
When you ask, he'll give you his guarantee.
Made me give you your gun and then flee.
Now I've one thing to say, and that's...
Dammit, Mulder,
I hate you, too!
[Turning his back toward Mulder, Krycek crosses his arms and silently fumes. Mulder approaches him]
MULDER
Who is this man, anyway?
KRYCEK
You know him. He's British.
MULDER
That man died in a car bomb a few years ago, Krycek. Update your alibis.
KRYCEK
He's no more dead than I am. He is in a wheelchair now, but he's very much alive.
MULDER
Where is he staying then?
KRYCEK
We're going to visit him so you can confirm my story?
MULDER
Yes, but if you're lying again, I swear I'm going to beat you within an inch of your life.
[Another crack of thunder is heard as Mulder shoves Krycek toward the car and into the passenger seat. Slipping behind the wheel, Mulder guides the car away from the church, just as the sky opens up and the rain begins to fall in earnest]
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, puffing away]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Special Agent Fox Mulder and his captive, the nefarious Alex Krycek, left Roswell that late October evening, to find the Englishman who might give some credence to Krycek's story. It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, pendulous, tumescent, ready to spill their...oh, excuse me...
[Takes drag of Morley]
Where the hell was I? Ah, yes...it's true also, that the rear tire was badly in need of some air, this being the usual government requisition vehicle. And, being guys, they would not stop to ask for directions...
[Chuckles evilly]
It was an error they would remember...for a very long time.
[SCENE: Mulder and Krycek, in the car, driving in a raging thunderstorm]
RADIO BROADCAST
In the last three hours, there have been reports of fifteen missing people. Rumor has it they're being ::Snort:: abducted by aliens. In unrelated news, there has been a rash of motorcycles reported stolen.
[Krycek looks up from reading a newspaper, as a motorcycle roars past them]
KRYCEK
That's the fourth motorcycle that's passed us in the last hour.
MULDER
Are you going to inundate me with statistics of how many people have died on motorcycles while in the rain?
KRYCEK
Asshole. Just drive, Mulder.
MULDER
Fuck!
[A barrier is blocking the road, preventing them from going forward. Mulder slams on the brakes]
KRYCEK
Oh, come on, you've got to be kidding me.
MULDER
If the road is blocked, then where did those motorcyclists come from?
KRYCEK
I thought you looked at the map before we left. What happened to your eidetic memory?
MULDER
I must have taken a wrong fork a little ways back. Well, we'll just have to turn back.
[He puts the car in reverse and starts backing up. A loud bang indicates the loss of their tire]
KRYCEK
A blowout! Just great.
MULDER
[Gets out and opens the trunk]
Dammit, there’s no spare.
KRYCEK
What the hell are we supposed to do now? We're in the middle of nowhere.
MULDER
[Realization strikes as he walks back to the front of the car] If I recall correctly, there was a castle a few miles back. I'll go there and see if I can't, uh, use their phone.
KRYCEK
What about your cell phone?
MULDER
[Lying]
I forgot to, um, charge the batteries. It isn’t working. Besides, I think those missing people that were just reported on the radio...I think they're at the castle.
KRYCEK
[His eyes narrowing suspiciously] What makes you think so?
MULDER
A castle in the middle of nowhere? Motorcycles coming from a closed off road? People suddenly missing? It all fits together. You wait here.
[He pulls out the handcuffs. Krycek divines Mulder's intention, and backs away until he's pressed against the door]
KRYCEK
What? No way you're locking me to the door again. If you're going off on one of your famous wild goose chases again, someone has to keep an eye on you.
MULDER
There's no sense in both of us getting wet, Krycek. I'll be back.
KRYCEK
Riiiight. No, I'm coming with you.
[He steps out of the car, and opens the newspaper, to put above his head]
MULDER
[Snickers]
That'll keep you toasty dry. Well, come on.
[They run along the road, heading back the direction from which they came. A motorcycle drives past, splashing them with water.]
Mulder
Another motorcycle, coming from nowhere. They must be heading for the castle.
[Upon reaching the castle gates, MULDER goes directly through with hardly a glance at the sign posted there. KRYCEK pauses, reading it]
"ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK"
[KRYCEK hesitates, but sees MULDER still running towards the castle. With a sigh, he follows. A long line of motorcycles is parked out front]
KRYCEK
[Growls]
THERE's A FIGHT
(Sung to the tune of "Over at the Frankenstein Place")
KRYCEK
In a crowded airport
Or a rental car,
One thing is certain
I'll be hurtin'
No matter where we are.
MULDER and KRYCEK
There's a fight
Every time we're in the same place.
There's a fight
MULDER
I want to punch you in the face...
MULDER and KRYCEK
There's a fight, fight...
So much darkness
Before we can see the light.
[SCENE: Castle exterior. FRIFF-FRAFF looks down from an upper window]
FRIFF-FRAFF
When you meet, the room crackles with sexual tension
But all that betrayal and pain since Ascension
Cuts like a knife. Cuts like a knife...
MULDER and KRYCEK
There's a fight...
MULDER
[Grabs Krycek by the collar and hauls him along]
Woo! Aliens from outer space!
MULDER and KRYCEK
There's a fight...
KRYCEK
[Slams Mulder back over a shrub]
Come to colonize our race!
MULDER and KRYCEK
There's a fight, fight...
So much darkness
Before we can see the light.
*****************
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, puffing away]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Mulder and Krycek and they had found the assistance that their plight required...Or had they?
[SCENE: Mulder and Krycek, dripping wet, walking up the driveway to the castle]
KRYCEK
Fuck, Mulder, let's go back. I'm freezing and all this rain is going to short out my artificial arm.
MULDER
Quit your whining, Krycek. There might be ali - uh, they might have a phone.
KRYCEK
I'm serious. This place is definitely giving me the creeps.
MULDER
[Rolls eyes]
Oh yeah, I can see what's so scary. It's...it's...a parking lot! Oh no, I see a Buick over there that might be leaking oil!
[They arrive at the front door. Mulder rings the doorbell]
KRYCEK
Well, answer me this, Mulder. Why do they need such a huge garage? That thing is large enough for a -- damn, I should've kept my big mouth shut.
[The door is opened by Friff-Fraff]
FRIFF-FRAFF
Hello.
MULDER
Take me to your leader!
FRIFF-FRAFF
[Pause]
You're wet.
KRYCEK
Yeah -- it's raining, Sherlock.
MULDER
[Excitedly]
Can we look in the garage? We want to see your --
[Krycek reaches over and shocks him with the prosthetic arm]
Oww! Mother --!!
FRIFF-FRAFF
You want to see my mother?
KRYCEK
Goddamnit, we just want to use the phone and leave! We don't want to see your mother!
[Under his breath]
You probably hatched out of someone's chest anyway.
FRIFF-FRAFF
I think perhaps you'd better both come inside.
[Friff-Fraff opens the door and ushers them inside]
KRYCEK
[Looks around uneasily]
What kind of a place is this?
MULDER
Probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdoes.
[Grabs Krycek by the arm and whispers]
::Listen, we need to find that ship! Let's ask to use the bathroom or something and snoop around.::
KRYCEK
Oh, no you don't!! I'm not going into any more strange bathrooms...
[Friff-Fraff shuts the castle door with a bang and motions for them to follow him]
FRIFF-FRAFF
This way.
[They follow him. Sounds of people laughing and talking loudly are heard]
MULDER
Are you having a party?
FRIFF-FRAFF
You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs.
KRYCEK
Oh, lucky him.
[From the stairs above, Langenta comes sliding down the banister]
LANGENTA
You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! Ha ha ha...
[Friff-Fraff and Langenta begin to dance]
MIND WIPE
(Sung to the tune of "Time Warp")
LANGENTA
It's confounding...
You never know what's what.
Who's alive and who's dead.
KRYCEK
I just watch my own butt.
MULDER
[Under his breath]
Not a bad view.
[Mulder rubs his head in a perplexed way]
I remember, chasing the X-Files,
Fitting together
Pieces of the mytharc.
Hunting for continuity...
KRYCEK
I prefer promiscuity!
[Friff-Fraff throws open the doors to the ballroom to reveal the bizarrely dressed Transylvanian party guests]
TRANSYLVANIANS
Let's do the mind wipe again.
Let's do the mind wipe again.
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, holding up totally incomprehensible diagram]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
It's just a jump in logic
From one week to the next.
With a hand in the till,
Chris brings his ego in...
[SCENE: Castle ballroom, with TRANSYLVANIANS in a line]
TRANSYLVANIANS
But it's the acid trips
That really eat away your brain!
Let's do the Mind Wipe again.
Let's do the Mind Wipe again
SPENDUMBIA
Well, I was walking down the street wondering if my mother was insane,
When a horde of questions came into my brain...
FRIFF-FRAFF
Like procreation...
KRYCEK
From a barren woman's barren womb
LANGENTA
And a twelve-month gestation...
TRANSYLVANIANS
Let's do the Mind Wipe again!
Let's do the Mind Wipe again!
MULDER
What about all those aliens?
FRIFF-FRAFF
How do they fit together?
LANGENTA
The greys, the claws, the oiliens...
[Krycek shudders and quickly steps behind Mulder]
MULDER
Are they all the same species? Where did they come from? How can black oil fly a ship? It has no hands! And if it can fly a ship, why did it have to stay down at the bottom of the sea for fifty years waiting for a human body to inhabit? Why is it sentient sometimes and sometimes just a virus? If the black oil is the way the grays reproduce, where did that alien fetus come from? What about the little big-eyed ones? And the Alien Bounty Hunters? How about those vicious claw ones, how can they be smart enough to pilot a spacecraft to a planet light-years away? And why would --
TRANSYLVANIANS
Let's do the Mind Wipe again!!
Let's do the Mind Wipe again!!
SPENDUMBIA
How can half-brothers have identical DNA? How can someone have brain surgery and be back at work the next day? How can a man get his arm hacked off by peasants in the woods and be wearing a working prosthesis the next week? How can it be such a big secret that the Consortium controls the FBI when they stroll openly into the offices of the Hoover Building and sit in on meetings?
MULDER
*And what the hell happened to my sister anyway??*
TRANSYLVANIANS
LET'S DO THE MIND WIPE AGAIN!!
LET'S DO THE MIND WIPE AGAIN!!
[The dancing stops and the Transylvanians all fall to the floor in exhaustion. There is a resounding silence]
KRYCEK
[Elbowing Mulder, under his breath]
Mulder, say something.
MULDER
Any of you guys know Elvis?
KRYCEK
[Eye roll]
Let's get the fuck out of here.
MULDER
For Chrissakes keep a grip on yourself Krycek.
KRYCEK
Where the hell is my plam??
MULDER
[Smacks Krycek in the face]
Why do you always have to be so violent?
KRYCEK
[Drags Mulder out the door into the hallway]
I want to go.
MULDER
Well, we can't go anywhere until I find the truth - uh, I mean a phone.
[As they argue, an elevator begins to descend behind them]
KRYCEK
Pull your head out of the sand, Mulder!
MULDER
Krycek, you're a murderer, a liar, and a big ol' wuss to boot.
[A king-size pair of red high heels, filled by a pair of hairy legs in fishnet stockings, are seen through the gates of the elevator]
KRYCEK
Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and if I lose another body part, I swear I'll track you down and shoot you like I shot your father.
MULDER
[Punches Krycek in the stomach]
Dammit Krycek, violence doesn't solve anything!
[The elevator reaches the bottom. The doors open and Spank-N-Wiener steps out]
BALD TRANSVESTITE
(Sung to the tune of "Sweet Transvestite")
SPANK-N-WIENER
How do you do, I...
See you've met my...
Computer hacker.
He's just a little brought down because
When you knocked...
He thought you were a...
Cookie packer.
[Sashays out to the room full of Transylvanians]
Don't get strung out by the way I look.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
I haven't got much hair, up on my head
But I get no complaints once we're in bed.
I'm just a bald Transvestite
From transsexual, Transylvania.
[Starts shaking hands with the people in the crowd; struts over to Mulder and Krycek]
Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound.
You look like you're both pretty groovy.
Or if you want something alien
That's not too frustratin'
We could take in an old Star Wars movie.
MULDER
I'm glad we caught you before your trip.
Could we see your ship?
We want the truth
And won't leave till we have proof.
KRYCEK
What!?
MULDER
[Gives Krycek a glare to shut him up]
I've been searching for years,
It's been blood, sweat and tears.
I want to see more than cross-dressed queers.
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Turns to Mulder with a smirk]
I don't mean to sound aloof,
But there's no proof.
If you're looking for a ship
You followed a bad tip.
But now, don't you mourn.
You can both watch my creature as he's born.
[Approaches the stage, which is dominated by a large throne-like chair]
But don't be getting uptight
Cuz you'll have to wait till first light.
You can just stay for the night...
CHORUS
Night!
SPANK-N-WIENER
And maybe a bite...
CHORUS
Bite!
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Drapes himself across the throne]
I could show you my favorite...obsession.
I've been making a man
With red hair and no tan
And he's good for relieving my...tension.
I'm just a bald Transvestite
[Stands up and begins walking out towards the crowd again, gesticulating with his arms as he sings]
From Transsexual, Transylvania.
[Punches the air]
Hit it! Hit it!
I'm just a bald Transvestite
CHORUS
Bald Transvestite!
SPANK-N-WIENER
From Transsexual
CHORUS
Transyl-van-i-a!
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Stands directly in front of Mulder]
So come up to the lab
And see what's on the slab.
I see you shiver with antici...pation.
[Mulder leans in closer, and shoves Krycek when Krycek tries pulling him away]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Don't act so uncouth
I will give you your truth.
If that's what you crave
You just have to behave!
[Spank-N-Wiener gets back on the elevator. It ascends out of sight]
*****************
[Spendumbia and Langenta begin removing Mulder and Krycek's wet clothes]
KRYCEK
[Slaps away Spendumbia's hands as they begin removing his jacket]
Shit! Mulder!
MULDER
[Stifles a snicker as he gets a close look at Langenta's hair-do, while his own shirt is being unbuttoned]
Just go with it, Krycek. We'll play along for now and go poking around later.
SPENDUMBIA
Oh, slowly, slowly! This is too nice a job to rush.
[Pauses in his own task of stripping Krycek to watch as Langenta is unbuttoning and pulling down Mulder's pants]
MULDER
Hi, my name is Fox Mulder, and this is Alex Krycek. Ah... you are?
[Spendumbia starts removing Krycek's pants now, ignoring the soft growl emanating from Krycek's throat]
SPENDUMBIA
You're very lucky to be invited up to Spank's laboratory. Some people would give their left arm for the privilege!
[Unbuttons Krycek's shirt, and slides it off, almost dislocating Krycek's prosthetic. Pauses when Krycek snarls at him]
MULDER
Too late for that, huh, Krycek?
[To Spendumbia]
Shhh -- my asymmetrical friend here is sensitive.
[Krycek glares, and turns away, pointedly ignoring him. Mulder and Krycek now stand stripped to their underclothes]
FRIFF-FRAFF
Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.
LANGENTA
Shift it!
[Pushes Mulder forward into the elevator. They begin to ascend]
MULDER
Spank-n-Wiener is the master of the house? Is there a mistress, too?
FRIFF-FRAFF
Not yet.
[Smiles cryptically]
She's a WIP.
LANGENTA
We are all merely his... servants. There actually used to be one more of us, but he left when he fell in love with some girl.
[Krycek glances around, checking for exits and objects to use as weapons. The elevator stops and the doors open upon a large gym-type room. In the center stands Spank-N-Wiener, wearing a green surgical gown and pink rubber gloves. Friff-Fraff disappears, and Mulder and Krycek are shoved forward until they stand before Spank-N-Wiener. The party guests enter and walk up the ramp to the observation balcony]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Langenta, Spendumbia, go assist Friff-Fraff. I will entertain...uh huh huh...
[He chuckles, putting out his hand as if expecting it to be kissed]
MULDER
Fox Mulder, and this is my prisoner...ah, my ex-partner...my Alex...er, Alex Krycek.
SPANK-N-WIENER
Your prisoner, hmm? Sounds kinky, can I play?
KRYCEK
[Soft growl]
*NO.*
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Pouts]
Well! How nice. And what charming underclothes you both have.
[Smirk]
But here, take these.
[Hands them each a silk robe]
They'll make you feel less...vulnerable. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them...hospitality.
MULDER
Yes, we're quite grateful. I'm looking forward to seeing the ship.
KRYCEK
Mulder, you sound like an ass.
[Mulder smacks Krycek]
SPANK-N-WIENER
How forceful you are, Mulder! Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So dominant.
[To Krycek]
You must have a lot of fun with him, hmm?
KRYCEK
[Rolls eyes]
Oh yeah, tons.
SPANK-N-WIENER
Do you have any tattoos, Mulder?
MULDER
[Trying to contain a smile]
Sorry, no.
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Disappointed]
Hmph.
[Turns to Krycek]
How about you?
KRYCEK
[Shakes his head. Mutters as Spank-N-Wiener turns back to Mulder]
Not like I'd show them to you, even if I did.
FRIFF-FRAFF
Everything is in readiness, Master. We merely await your... word.
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Turns to the crowd and claps his hands to garner their attention]
Tonight, my unconventional conventionists, you are about to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research.
[Pauses until applause dies down]
Paradise is soon to be mine!
[Applause from the balcony]
SPANK-N-WIENER
It was strange the way it happened...suddenly you get a break...whole pieces suddenly seem to fit into place. It wasn't a sign of being. What a fool I was when I started out in this! The answer was there all the time; it simply took a small accident to make it happen...AN ACCIDENT!
[The floor vibrates as the guests stomp their feet, clap, and use noisemakers, roaring their approval. Langenta and Spendumbia, wearing surgical masks, bend down to grab hold of the blanket covering the large rectangular tank in center stage]
SPANK-N-WIENER
And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, that SPARK that is the spark of life. Yes, I now have that knowledge...I hold the secret...to life...itself!
[Langenta and Spendumbia pull the blanket off the tank to reveal a mummy-like figure submerged in water. The crowd makes more noise]
SPANK-N-WIENER
You see, you are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN! Up now!
[He motions for Friff-Fraff to lower the equipment from the ceiling. A chandelier-type machine with tubes and clamps lowers down to just above the tank. He begins fiddling with the clamps and switches]
I'll throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator...and step the reactor power input THREE MORE POINTS!
[A surge goes through the water and the mummy rises. Spank-N-Wiener moans in ecstasy]
[Langenta and Spendumbia begin unwrapping the figure in the tank. Spank-N-Wiener gasps in shock as the wrappings come off to reveal the form of a petite woman with red hair and blue eyes]
FRIFF-FRAFF
Behold...the magnificent...Sculky!!
[GRAPHIC # 8]
THE EYES OF QUEEQUEG: A PAST LIFE REMEMBERED
(Sung to the tune of "The Sword of Damocles")
SCULKY
I was supposed to be having a weekend at the spa
And now I see a six-foot bald man wearing a bra.
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Kicking Friff-Fraff in the ass]
You IDIOT! That's a WOMAN!
FRIFF-FRAFF
[Leering]
You betcha!
SCULKY
Oh, woe is me,
They harvested my ovaries!
All this abduction crap can really get a girl pissed.
MULDER
[Staring at Sculky]
You look kinda familiar...
SCULKY
Yes, you too...didn't you ditch me somewhere?
KRYCEK
Like a bad date!
FRIFF-FRAFF
Interesting...she must have some residual memories.
GUESTS
We should have known.
SPANK-N-WIENER
[To Friff-Fraff]
But how did you...?
FRIFF-FRAFF
I cloned her from some toenail clippings.
GUESTS
She's just a clone.
MULDER
Where the hell did you get her toenail clippings??
FRIFF-FRAFF
They were selling them on Ebay.
KRYCEK
[To Mulder]
You should see what they sell off of *you* on Ebay. I, uh, I mean, this guy I know has a whole collection...
SCULKY
[Climbing out of the tank]
It all began when they stuck me down in the basement...
FRIFF-FRAFF
[To SPANK]
Don't look so shocked.
SCULKY
With my partner's half-cocked theories about what the case meant...
MULDER
I'm not your partner.
KRYCEK
He's not half-cocked!
SCULKY
Oh, it can't be true,
I had a daughter for a week or two
And now it's like she didn't even exist.
GUESTS
We should have known.
She's just a clone.
SCULKY
I'm haunted by the memory of my little red furry Queequeg...
SPANK-N-WIENER
That's a new euphemism for it.
MULDER
She's talking about a dog!
SPANK-N-WIENER
Ah, yes...Friff-Fraff.
MULDER
Queequeg!
KRYCEK
Gesundheit.
SCULKY
I swear sometimes I can still feel him humping my leg...
SPANK-N-WIENER
Friff-Fraff!
MULDER
Queequeg!!
KRYCEK
Gesundheit!
SCULKY
Oh, what a pain,
They gave me cancer of the brain.
And all I know is it's been years since I even got kissed!
GUESTS
Sha-la-la-la, she's just a clone.
Sha-la-la-la, she's just a clone.
SPANK-N-WIENER
Well, really. This isn't what I expected!
[Pats Sculky on the head]
But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I'm prepared to forgive the little gender misunderstanding.
SCULKY
From a purely scientific point of view, this bites.
[Friff-Fraff, Langenta and Spendumbia stand around the tank, gazing at Sculky]
FRIFF-FRAFF
She's a buxom, titian-tressed, paradigm of pulchritude!
SPANK-N-WIENER
I suppose...
LANGENTA
She talks to rainbows!
SPANK-N-WIENER
You might have a point...
SPENDUMBIA
She's OK.
FRIFF-FRAFF
[Outraged]
OK? OK?!??
SPANK-N-WIENER
Fox and Alex, what do you think of her?
MULDER
She's kinda cute. For some reason, though, I think she'd look better with green eyes and a black leather jacket.
KRYCEK
She's not really my type.
MULDER
And maybe a bigger butt...
SPANK-N-WIENER
I didn't make her FOR YOU!!!
FRIFF-FRAFF
She carries the Fredericks of Hollywood website seal of approval.
I WON'T MAKE YOU A MAN
(Sung to the tune of "I Can Make You a Man")
SPANK-N-WIENER
A woman weighing ninety-eight pounds...
Instead of biceps and abs
She's all soft and round.
I wanted a muscle boy straight from the gym
Who'd wrestle me silly and let me pin him...
All manly and sweaty
I'd get him pumped up and ready...
[Mulder looks over at Krycek, unconsciously licking his lips]
KRYCEK
Ah, it's getting kinda warm in here...
SPANK-N-WIENER
But she's so pink and so clean.
[He runs his hands over Sculky. She shakes him off and stalks away]
SPANK-N-WIENER
She's the strong kind. Oh, honey...
SPANK and TRANSYLVANIANS
But the wrong kind...
FRIFF-FRAFF
She's got it all, well, except for a few eggs...
LANGENTA
But dig that red hair.
MULDER
And those short little legs.
SCULKY
Mulder, are you trying to say...
KRYCEK
[To Sculky]
Don't you have to go do an autopsy or something?
SCULKY
I *am* an autopsy!
SPANK-N-WIENER
Though she doesn't exactly fit into my plan
I'm starting to think...
SPANK and TRANSYLVANIANS
I might not need a man!
SPANK-N-WIENER
She's really quite lovely when you take a good look.
She smells like heaven, and I'll bet she can cook.
SCULKY
Well, I think I can open that Diet Coke can.
SPANK-N-WIENER
Can you walk on my back like they do in Japan?
[Spank-N-Wiener falls to his knees at Sculky's feet. She gazes at her reflection in his bald head and fixes her lipstick]
SPANK-N-WIENER
You're so cute and so feisty...
SPANK and TRANSYLVANIANS
I won't make you a man!
SPANK-N-WIENER
We can work out together
[Winks at her]
Do the snatch, clean and jerk...
MULDER
[Looking at Krycek]
Mmmm...
KRYCEK
[Looking back]
Ahhh...
SCULKY
Better than weighing livers...I think this might work.
SPANK-N-WIENER
I could probably hold you in the palm of my hand.
MULDER
[Staring at Krycek's hand]
Do you think...?
KRYCEK
Beats me!
SPANK-N-WIENER
Testosterone obsessions are just so passe...
Oh baby...okay! I won't make you a man!
[Suddenly Deep Freeze alarms go off and the freezer door opens. Spank-N-Wiener screams as he pulls Sculky away from the door and back against the wall. Doggie crashes out of the ice, riding a motorcycle. Spendumbia claps his hands and squeals in delight.]
SPENDUMBIA
Doggie!
[Runs to him]
HOT WHITE T-SHIRT
(Sung to the tune of "Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul")
DOGGIE
Whatever happened to Friday night prime?
When the show was a hit at nine our time.
It's just not the same on Sunday night.
Even Lawless and Elwes couldn't make it right.
Kersh came along and put me in the basement,
Like I would make a decent replacement
For agent Fox, who was no longer in sight.
Then Monica came along to my greatest delight.
She made me feel good, willingly trusting me outright.
[Energetically plays his guitar. The audience dances in time to the music]
DOGGIE
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I'm not the fox, but I'm still a prize.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I'm a better lay than those FBIs.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I've finally realized that I like guys.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, bend over for me and get your surprise.
[Langenta and Friff-Fraff step into the freezer and begin dancing with each other. Doggie hands his guitar to Mulder and climbs back on his motorcycle, revving it up as he sings. Mulder shifts the guitar to one side, and then looks up again at Doggie, not wanting to miss any of the show. Spank-N-Wiener looks perturbed to see Sculky gazing at Doggie in fascination]
DOGGIE
My head used to swim from the closeness I felt,
When she sang whale songs, I was ready to melt.
But then a super soldier came, made her feel svelte.
So Monica left, and I had to search for someone new.
I found Jeffrey among the old crew.
We talked for awhile, and our interest grew.
We started hugging and kissing, and getting it on
He rocked my world; it was our final denouement.
[Spank-N-Wiener drags Sculky over to the elevator and locks her inside. Then strides angrily to the freezer and pulls Friff-Fraff and Langenta apart. Walks out with a pick axe hidden behind his back, an evil grin on his face]
DOGGIE
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I'm not the fox, but I'm still a prize.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I'm a better lay, than those FBI's.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, I've finally realized that I like guys.
Hot white t-shirt, cold blue eyes, bend over for me and get your surprise!
[Doggie rides his motorcycle up through the throng of people along the ramp, while the crowd leaps aside to avoid getting run over. He rides back to the main floor and notices Spank-N-Wiener approaching. Horror dawns on his face and he tries to run. Spank-N-Wiener traps him in the freezer and attacks him. The crowd screams, then falls silent, until Spendumbia's wailing is the only sound in the entire room. Finally, Spank-N-Wiener steps out of the freezer, looking haggard, his gloves covered with blood]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Trying to make light of it]
One from the vaults.
[He holds his hands out for Langenta to pull the gloves off. The crowd laughs, a bit nervously. Sculky bangs angrily on the bars of her makeshift cage. Spank-N-Wiener rushes over to release her]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Oh Baby! Don't be upset... it was a mercy killing.
[Sculky gives him a disbelieving look]
SPANK-N-WIENER
He looked really good in tight white shirts, but he had none of your... charm.
[Smiles consolingly and trails a hand soothingly on Sculky's arm. Sculky
smiles her forgiveness and pulls him close]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Happily]
Oh!
[They walk marriage-style down the aisle, toward a curtained-off section of wall. Wedding music follows them, as the crowd throws confetti]
GUESTS
Spank and Sculky, rah-rah-rah! Spank and Sculky, rah-rah-rah! Spank and Sculky, rah-rah-rah! Spank and Sculky, rah-rah-rah!
*****************
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, blowing tiny smoke swastikas]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is but a figment of the imagination. Well, there are those who say that cigarettes can kill you, too...not to mention ungrateful former proteges. I say let them try! Bwahaha...koff koff koff...
[Takes deep drag of cigarette]
Well, if all that reality crap is true, then Fox and Alex are quite safe. However, the sudden departure of their host...and his creation...into the seclusion of his, ah...
[Makes face of distaste]
bridal suite...had left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling which grew as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms.
[SCENE: Krycek's bedroom. Krycek is in bed. Spank-N-Wiener enters, disguised as Mulder]
KRYCEK
Who is it? Who's there?
SPANK-N-WIENER [As Mulder]
It's only me, Alex.
KRYCEK
Mulder! Well, aren't you going to hit me or something?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Sliding into bed next to him]
I'd rather do THIS...
KRYCEK
Ohh!...oh, yeah, Mulder...I can't believe it...
[Runs his fingers through "Mulder's" hair; it comes off in his hand to reveal the bald head of Spank-N-Wiener]
YOU?!?
SPANK-N-WIENER
I'm afraid so, Ratboy, now roll over...
KRYCEK
Goddammit, where's my gun? What have you done with Mulder??
SPANK-N-WIENER
Oh, well, nothing yet. Why, do you think I should?
KRYCEK
If you hurt him, I'll --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Oh, just shut up and look pretty ...Mulder's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like...THIS?
[He yanks Krycek onto his back with his legs straight up in the air]
KRYCEK
What the --! Get away from me!
[He punches Spank-N-Wiener in the chest]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Punches him back, hard. Krycek doubles up in pain]
I'm not finished with you yet, boy!
[Krycek flees out the door]
I'll set the dogs on you!
[SCENE: Spank-N-Wiener's bedchamber. Sculky is chained to the bed, thumbing through Cosmopolitan's special Naked Dead Guys issue and looking bored]
FRIFF-FRAFF
My goddess! What has he done to you?
[He unlocks her]
Come -- I'll take you away from all this.
SCULKY
You're strangely attractive, for a little troll. Then again, I won't have to wear six-inch stiletto heels to kiss you.
FRIFF-FRAFF
[His eyes glazing over at the words "six-inch stiletto heels"]
Mmnngghh.
[SCENE: Mulder's bedroom. Mulder is in bed. Spank-N-Wiener enters, disguised as Krycek]
SPANK-N-WIENER [As Krycek]
Mulder, we've gotta get out of here! They'll torture us...or worse!
MULDER
[Grabs Spank-N-Wiener by the front of his shirt]
What are you up to now, Krycek?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Sliding into bed next to him]
Oh, Mulder, you're so strong and protective!
MULDER
Huh?? What the hell has gotten into...*ohhh*...oh yeah, Alex, that's so...YOU?!?
SPANK-N-WIENER
I'm afraid so, Fox, but isn't it nice...
MULDER
Why you --!
[Shoving Spank-N-Wiener back against the wall]
What have you done with Alex??
SPANK-N-WIENER
Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?
[Mulder headbutts him]
Oh, Fox, your head is so *hard*!
MULDER
That's because I thought you were Alex! Um, I mean...not that I like him in that way...
SPANK-N-WIENER
Oh, just shut up and look pretty...Alex is probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like...THIS?
[He yanks Mulder onto his back with his legs straight up in the air]
MULDER
Maybe I do...Oh my God, but he...now I'm tormented by guilt and indecision! Is it fate? Destiny? The inexplicable course of human events that intertwines our paths? Is all life just a cosmic rendering of --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Well, you're just a big ball of fun! I'm going back to Sculky!
[He exits in a huff]
[SCENE: Friff-Fraff and Sculky in a closet, making out]
[SCENE: Krycek running through the rain, a pack of dogs at his heels]
[SCENE: Langenta and Spendumbia, sharing a joint while watching everything on the monitors]
[SCENE: Mulder alone, wandering through the castle hallways]
MULDER
What's happening here? Where's everybody? Where's Alex? Have they taken him just like they took my sister??
[He hears groaning coming from the bedroom. Inside, he finds Krycek hiding in his bed, bruised and bleeding]
MULDER
Alex, you're hurt! What have they done to you? Not the anal probe, I hope!
[Under his breath]
I was saving that one for myself.
KRYCEK
It's okay...I'm fine.
MULDER
You sure are, even with that stupid-ass haircut!
[He starts ripping up his boxer shorts to make bandages]
Come here, I'll dress your wounds...
[He puts his hand on Krycek's arm. At the touch, they both freeze, staring into each other's eyes. Slowly, Krycek reaches out and covers Mulder's hand with his own. Mulder's pouty lips curve upwards into a smile]
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, reading "Machiavellian World Domination for Dummies"]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
Erection: stiffness, engorgement, agitation and tension of the male organ...vehement or excited physical state.
[Takes a deep drag on cigarette, leaving a long, wobbly column of ash]
It is also a powerful and irrational master. And from what I, uh I mean, Langenta and Spendumbia eagerly viewed on their television monitor, there seemed little doubt that Fox and Alex were indeed its slaves.
LANGENTA and SPENDUMBIA
Go for it, Fox!
TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME
(Sung to the tune of "Touch-A Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me")
MULDER
I was afraid
I would never get laid...
Just spent my evenings watching porn.
SPENDUMBIA
You mean he...?
LANGENTA
[Makes the international gesture for Jerking Off]
Uh-huh.
MULDER
A real live human partner,
Sucking face and petting...
That only leads to trouble
And sheet wetting.
Now all I want to know, is how to go.
I've drawn his blood but I want more...
SPENDUMBIA and LANGENTA
More, more, more!
[Mulder and Krycek start to touch and caress each other]
MULDER
He'll put up no resistance...
KRYCEK
I want to go the distance...
MULDER
[Pulling off his boxers]
I've got an itch to scratch!
I need assistance...
[Grabs Krycek and pulls him close]
Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me
I want to be dirty...
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Ratboy of the night.
[SCENE: Spendumbia and Langenta by the monitors]
LANGENTA
Pass those cheese curls over here, dude.
MULDER
Then if anything grows,
[Suggestive smile at Krycek]
while you pose,
I'll oil you up and rub you down...
SPENDUMBIA and LANGENTA
Down, down, down!
MULDER
And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction.
You need another hand, and I need action!
[He drags Krycek down on top of him]
Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me
I want to be dirty!
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Ratboy of the night!
[SCENE: Spendumbia and Langenta by the monitors, laughing like maniacs]
[SCENE: Friff-Fraff and Sculky, in closet]
FRIFF-FRAFF
Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me!
SCULKY
I want to be dirty!
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
FRIFF-FRAFF
Vixen of the night!
[SCENE: Mulder and Krycek, rolling around on the bed]
KRYCEK
Mulder Mulder Mulder FUCK me!
C'mon I'm so horny
Jump me, pump me, just FILL ME
Hammer me all night!
MULDER
You're so hot and tight!
SPENDUMBIA
I'm higher than a kite!
LANGENTA
This weed is out of sight!
FRIFF-FRAFF
Baby, who needs height?
SCULKY
You da man, all right!
MULDER and KRYCEK
WE'RE GONNA IGNITE!!
[SCENE: Spank-N-Wiener, in his bedchamber, staring at empty bed]
SPANK-N-WIENER
My creature's taken flight!
[Whipping Spendumbia and Langenta]
How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching!
SPENDUMBIA and LANGENTA
[In fits of uncontrollable giggles]
Hey, man...there was a better show...
[SCENE: Mulder's bedroom. Post-coital, Mulder and Krycek are in each other's arms]
ONCE IN A WHILE
(Sung to the tune of "Once in a While")
MULDER
Once in a while, he won't want to bother
Telling you the truth.
And once in your life, he might kill your father.
You look around,
The one you found, he is gone.
And that's all the time it takes
For a heart to turn to stone.
The sweeter the wine, the harder it is to find
Those cigarette butts in his car
And lose the one you thought you'd known.
KRYCEK
So baby don't pout like there's no tomorrow.
After tonight it's a brand new day.
There'll be no more pain, and no more sorrow
And you won't come to any harm
Here in my - uh - arm.
MULDER
Just let your head go south
And use that mouth, it'll be OK.
MULDER and KRYCEK
And that's all the time it takes
For a heart to beat again.
So give me a sign
That a lover makes.
You look around
The one you've found is back again.
*****************
[SCENE: Downstairs, by the monitors of the castle exterior]
SPENDUMBIA
Master, master...there's an earthling...I mean a visitor at the front door.
SPANK-N-WIENER
[On the monitor, he views his visitor, who is in a wheelchair]
It's Dr. Well-Manicured Man!
[Spank-N-Wiener goes to front door and opens it]
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Good evening. I'm looking for --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Mulder! I knew he was a plant of some kind!
LANGENTA
Whoa...Mulder's a plant? Man, that hybrid DNA must be freakier than I thought.
SPANK-N-WIENER
Not that kind of plant, you pot-besotted boghead! No, he came here with a purpose.
[To Dr. Well-Manicured Man]
He works for your government, doesn't he? He's attached to the bureau of investigations of that which you call UFOs! Isn't that right??
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Quite possibly. But I'm looking for my employee --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Well...shall we inquire of him...in person?
[SCENE: Mulder's bedroom. Spank-N-Wiener enters wheeling Dr. Well-Manicured Man, to find Mulder and Krycek in bed together]
KRYCEK
Well, look who's visiting the Batcave!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Mulder!
MULDER
Dr. Well-Manicured Man!
[Spank-N-Wiener hears a moan. He throws open the closet door to find Friff-Fraff and Sculky hiding in there together]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Sculky!
SCULKY
Spank!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Krycek!
[Mulder smacks Krycek on the ass]
KRYCEK
Ow!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Mulder!
MULDER
Dr. Well-Manicured Man!
SPANK-N-WIENER
Sculky!
SCULKY
Spank!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Krycek!
KRYCEK
*Ow!*
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Mulder!
MULDER
Dr. Well-Manicured Man!
SPANK-N-WIENER
Sculky!
SCULKY
Spank!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Krycek!
KRYCEK
*OW!!*
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
I can assure you that Mulder's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I came here to find Krycek.
SPANK-N-WIENER
Krycek!
KRYCEK
Spa -- uh, Wiener!
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, thumbing through scrapbook. It is open to a picture labeled "Ratbike of the Month."]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
Krycek...Alex Krycek.
KRYCEK
(Sung to the tune of "Eddie")
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
From the day he was hired
He was stubborn.
He was the thorn
In Cancerman's side.
Cancerman tried to tame
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
But he already knew the rules to this game.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
A car bomb missed the kill and he ran
With the DAT tape,
Selling secrets,
Hiding on the streets
Of downtown Hong Kong.
Living like a rat.
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
He was a back-stabbing little brat.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Cheating all sides for no cause.
CHORUS
When Krycek says, "I want something to believe in"
You know it's only you he is deceivin'
And when he offers you assistance
You'd better keep your distance.
SPANK-N-WIENER
What a cad.
MULDER
He killed dad!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Yes, he did.
SPENDUMBIA
Everybody used him
Yet my life was saved by him.
I said aliens were fake
And almost got killed for dad's sake.
But he plammed the grey
Which is why I'm here today.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
He was drawn by power
To make the world cower.
I forced him to agree
Living meant working for me.
MULDER
In what way? In what way?
KRYCEK
I drive him around
I plam lots of grey aliens
I deal with shape shifting rebels
And YOU!
CHORUS
When Krycek says "I want something to believe in"
You know it's only you he is deceivin'
And when he offers you assistance
You'd better keep your distance.
SPANK-N-WIENER
What a cad.
CHORUS
Whoo hoo hoo...
MULDER
He killed dad!
CHORUS
Hey, hey, hey...
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Yes, he did.
*****************
[Langenta appears, dressed in skimpy pants suit with white frilly apron, holding a gong aloft]
LANGENTA
Master, dinner is prepared!
And boy do I have the munchies!
[Langenta bangs the gong. The sound reverberates through the bedroom.
Spank-N-Wiener, Mulder and Krycek wince.]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional!
[He flounces away]
[SCENE: Dinner table, dining room. Spank-N-Wiener stands at the head of the table with Spendumbia and Sculky to his left, and Krycek and Mulder to his right. Dr. Well-Manicured Man is placed at the foot of the table. The mood is somber; no one is looking at each other, except Krycek and Mulder who are sending each other little glances when they think no one is looking. Everyone sits down as Spank-N-Wiener begins using an electric knife to carve the roast. Friff-Fraff takes a wine bottle and goes around the table, filling wine glasses sloppily while sloshing much of it onto the table. Langenta walks around throwing napkins onto their plates. Sculky looks happily at her glass and picks it up. Spank-N-Wiener glares at her and points the buzzing knife her way. Sculky looks away and sets the glass down]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Abruptly starts singing]
Happy Birthday to you!
ALL
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday dear Sculky!
Happy Birthd --
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Cutting them off]
Shall we?
[All stop singing abruptly, and take a drink of their wine. Sculky picks up the meat daintily with her fingers and looks at it suspiciously. Spendumbia elbows her and indicates the utensils. Sculky grabs a fork, comprehension dawning quickly as she stabs the meat and happily starts eating. Mulder takes a bite of meat and frowns. He grabs his wine and takes a deep swallow.]
MULDER
[Softly, to Krycek]
Queequeg had better tasting food than this.
KRYCEK
[Lifts an eye brow at him]
How do you know?
[Mulder makes a face at him]
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Glares at them, offended]
It shouldn't taste like dog food; it should taste like pork!
[He pulls the tablecloth from the table, revealing a glass-topped coffin. Inside is the gutted corpse of Doggie, with part of his ribs removed. Spendumbia gasps and cries out. He runs from the room, trying not to be obvious as he wipes tears from his eyes. Sculky runs to Friff-Fraff. Krycek leaps up in horror, brandishing a fork]
MULDER
Is this a normal custom on your planet?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Raises an eyebrow]
Why, what do you mean?
MULDER
I think you know very well what I mean, and I want to see your ship!
[Spank-N-Wiener grabs Mulder's arm and drags him from the room. Krycek hurries after them. Sculky follows, pushing Dr. Well-Manicured Man in his wheelchair]
WISE UP
(Sung to the tune of "Planet, Schmanet, Janet")
SPANK-N-WIENER
I'll tell you now; you're in for some bad shocks.
You better wise up, little Fox!
Stop peeking in Pandora's box!
You better wise up, little Fox.
KRYCEK
*Whose* box??
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
It might behoove you to crack a book every once in awhile, Alex.
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Backs Mulder into a corner on the stairs]
You're not all that and a bag of chips.
Despite that bod and those luscious lips,
Your nose is too big
And you're always sticking it into other people's --
KRYCEK
Hey!!
SPANK-N-WIENER
You better wise up, Alex and Fox!
Yeah babies, watch your cocks!
The transducer will seduce ya...
[Spank-N-Wiener pursues Mulder and Krycek into the the transducer room, followed by Sculky and Dr. Well-Manicured Man. Langenta aims the transducer ray at them]
KRYCEK
My feet! I can't move my feet!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
My wheels! I can't move my wheels!
MULDER
It's as if we're glued to the floor!
SCULKY
Mulder, are you trying to tell me...
SPANK-N-WIENER
You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools!
MULDER
I see you watch the same late-night TV shows that I do.
KRYCEK
[Struggling] Shit! We're trapped!
SPANK-N-WIENER
It's something you'll get used to
A mental mind fuck can be nice.
KRYCEK
[Eye roll] I prefer the physical kind.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic transducer is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibrato-physio-molecular transport device?
KRYCEK
What the hell does *that* mean?
MULDER
Beam me up, Scotty!
SCULKY
Mulder, are you trying to say...
KRYCEK
She keeps repeating that.
FRIFF-FRAFF
Yes, that phrase had somehow become embedded in her cerebral cortex...I couldn't remove it.
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
That's right, Agent Mulder...it's something we ourselves have been working on for quite some time. It seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it. A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space and, who knows, even time...itself!
KRYCEK
What -- do you mean -- you're sending us to another planet!?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Starts singing again]
Reality check, Krycek!
We came here to colonize your planet, see?
But there's no work ethic at all amongst humanity!
You're sloppy and you're lazy...
MULDER
You're telling me! Even Scully sneaked off and got a tattoo a few years ago.
FRIFF-FRAFF
[Drooling, to Sculky] You show me yours, I'll show you Langenta's!
SPANK-N-WIENER
You better wise up, little Fox!
You better wise up, open your eyes up.
You better --
KRYCEK
Get *away* from him before I --
SPANK-N-WIENER
Don't get all hot and bothered.
You see, I know who fathered -- Oof!
[He is hit on the back of the neck as Krycek flings the fork at his head]
KRYCEK
You're a mean one, but I can be meaner, Spank-N-Wiener!
[Spank-N-Wiener nods to Langenta, who throws the switch on the Medusa machine, transforming Krycek into a statue]
SCULKY
I'd never seen one, but I thought aliens would be greener, Spank-N-Wiener!
[Spank-N-Wiener nods and Langenta throws the switch again, transforming Sculky into a statue]
MULDER
[Opens his mouth to speak]
I --
[Spank-N-Wiener signals instantly and Mulder is transformed into a statue]
SPENDUMBIA
You -- ! And I thought my father was bad! How could you do that to Doggie??
SPANK-N-WIENER
He was a hot Dogg, but I ate him...with relish!
SPENDUMBIA
You're hellish!
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Signals; Spendumbia is transformed]
It's not easy having a good time...and my children turn on me...Sculky's behaving just as Doggie did.
[As he talks, he walks among the statues painting their faces and dressing them up in feathers and sequins]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Come, we are ready for the floor show.
[He has the statues transported to a room with a theater stage, and lines them up behind the curtain. The curtain rises and one by one the statues turn back to humans, each stepping forward on the stage to take their turn singing]
SLASH TINT MY WORLD
(Sung to the tune of "Rose Tint My World")
A. FLOOR SHOW
(Sung to the tune of "Floor Show")
SPENDUMBIA
It was great when it all began...
Dad was evil and Spank was the man.
But then I found out underneath his skin
He was just another alien.
Now I'm gonna go out and cruise,
Find a biker boy with mad tattoos.
Slash tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
SCULKY
I'm just seven hours old,
Truly beautiful to behold.
And the worship of a talented troll
Has left my libido uncontrolled.
Cloned from a lonely math geek,
Now I've ascended to passion's peak.
Slash tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
MULDER
It's beyond me; Deep Throat,
Help me!
This dangerous and green-eyed
Assassin named Alexei...
He's just so sexy!
What's come over me?
Wo! Here it comes again!
KRYCEK
I feel released, bad times decease,
We lay together in peace; it's almost hard to trust.
The game has been disbanded; my mind has been expanded.
No more beating myself one-handed
Now we've shared that rush of lust.
B. EXTREME POSSIBILITIES
(Sung to the tune of "Don't Dream It")
[Fog covers the stage as Spank-N-Wiener sings]
SPANK-N-WIENER
Whatever happened to the FBI?
Those rubber-stamped white men in gray?
Following Hoover
Doing their paperwork
And going home at the end of the day
Oh ...oh!
[As Spank sings, the floorboards part to reveal a swimming pool underneath the stage. He dives in]
MULDER
Give yourself over to
Alternate realities.
Open yourself to
Extreme possibilities.
Forget Cup-O-Soup and nocturnal emissions
Try erotic pleasures in exotic positions.
Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh...oh!
[As Mulder sings, Krycek, Sculky and Spendumbia slowly begin to walk toward the pool]
SPENDUMBIA
Love me...don't shove me...
KRYCEK
Stroke me...don't choke me...
SCULKY
Eat me...don't beat me...
MULDER
Lick me...don't trick me...
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Floating in center of pool]
Drink me...ok, I'm kinky...
[They all dive into the pool and begin to swim around, touching, embracing, fondling, tonguing]
SPENDUMBIA
Ride me...get astride me...
MULDER
Hold me...enfold me...
KRYCEK
Blow me...oh so slowly...
SCULKY
Undress me...then caress me...
SPANK-N-WIENER
Strip me...then whip me...
[They all stop for a moment to stare at him]
What? I told you I was kinky!
C. WILD and UNTAMED THING
(Sung to the tune of "Wild and Untamed Thing")
KRYCEK
[Leaping out of the water]
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...my!
[Begins to dance]
I'm a wild and untamed thing!
I'm a bee with a deadly sting!
I might wind up in a missile silo
Or looking like the Venus de Milo.
But I went off like a torpedo
When I saw you there in that red Speedo!
Fox tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
MULDER
He's an invertebrate scumsucker.
A real badass motherf -
SPENDUMBIA
Hush your mouth!
MULDER
I'm talkin' bout Ratboy!
[He jumps up onstage beside Krycek and starts dancing]
I'm the idealist who breaks the rules
While he plays everyone for fools.
But he's hotter than a hydrogen bomb,
Even if he's only got one arm.
Rat tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
[The others climb out of the pool. They form a chorus line, and begin high-kicking]
ALL
It's a wild and untamed thing,
Makes your heart thump and your blood sing.
A hot assassin and a sexy G-man
Each hunting for the perfect he-man
Add some Armani, guns and leather
Oh, you know they're meant to come together!
Slash tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain!
[As they are all singing and dancing, the door suddenly bursts open to reveal Friff-Fraff and Langenta, now revealed as their true alien selves]
FRIFF-FRAFF
Spank-N-Wiener, it's all over.
Your mission is a failure
Your lifestyle's too extreme.
I'm your new commander
You now are my prisoner.
We return to Transylvania,
Prepare the transit beam.
*****************
SPANK-N-WIENER
Wait! I can explain!
[He walks over to the side of the stage and slowly raises the curtain. A small figure is standing on the stage. Spendumbia switches on the spotlight, revealing it to be Samantha Mulder]
MULDER
SAM!!!
I'M COMING HOME
(Sung to the tune of "I'm Going Home")
SAMANTHA
On the day I went away...
CHORUS
Fox! FOX! Save me! Aliens are taking me! AAAIIIEEEE! And don't play with my Barbies while I'm gone!
SAMANTHA
Was all I had to say...
CHORUS
Now I...
SAMANTHA
I want to come again...
MULDER and KRYCEK
[Exchanging looks, whisper to each other]
::Me too!::
SAMANTHA
and stay...
CHORUS
Oh, my, my...
SAMANTHA
Smile, and that will mean I may.
'Cause I've been starlight
But my clothes just
Didn't fit right...
I'm coming home.
MULDER
Sam! SAM! You're alive! You're back!
[He runs to her and they embrace. They sit down on the steps together, Samantha with her head on Mulder's shoulder]
MULDER
Everywhere I've had the same...
CHORUS
...feeling...
MULDER
Everyone thinks I'm insane...
CHORUS
...but so appealing...
MULDER
That black-lunged fiend kept me confused...
CHORUS
...he's a baddie...
MULDER
He knew how much I had to lose
CHORUS
Who's your daddy?
SPANK-N-WIENER
[Stalking across the stage and down the aisle of the theater]
Oh, I must say, time flies
With my head between your thighs...
But screw you guys
I'm going home.
LANGENTA
This is some serious shit.
FRIFF-FRAFF
And rather presumptuous of you. When I said WE were to return to Transylvania, I meant Langenta and myself. You are to remain here...in spirit, anyway.
[He pulls out a small black box and points it at Spank-N-Wiener]
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Great heavens! That's a Palm Pilot!
KRYCEK
Rock on!
MULDER
You mean...you're going to kill him? What's his crime?
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
You saw what became of Doggie. Society must be protected.
KRYCEK
Yeah, I'm all about society.
FRIFF-FRAFF
Exactly, Dr. Well-Manicured Man. And now, Spank-N-Wiener, your time has come. Say goodbye to this, and hello...to oblivion!
[Spendumbia screams, and Friff-Fraff points the Palm Pilot at him, killing him instantly. Spank-N-Wiener tries to run but Friff-Fraff advances steadily at him, firing, and drills him between the eyes. Spank-N-Wiener tumbles to the floor in a dead heap]
MULDER
Good God!
SCULKY
Oh! You killed them!
LANGENTA
[To Friff-Fraff]
But I thought you liked them. They liked you.
FRIFF-FRAFF
They didn't like ME! Even Sculky called me a troll!
SCULKY
[Runs to him]
But you're *my* troll.
ALL
Awwwww...
LANGENTA
Gabba gabba hey!
DR. WELL-MANICURED MAN
Perhaps it was all for the best...
FRIFF-FRAFF
You should leave now, Dr. Well-Manicured Man, while it is still possible.
We are about to beam this entire house to the planet Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transylvania. Go...
[Mulder, Krycek, Samantha and Dr. Well-Manicured Man quickly make their exit from the castle]
FRIFF-FRAFF
Our noble mission is completed.
[To Sculky]
Come, my most beautiful goddess, and soon we shall view the moon-drenched shores of our beloved planet.
LANGENTA
It's all sex, drugs and rock and roll!
SCULKY
Does anyone give a rat's ass about the Truth?
LANGENTA
Nope!
SCULKY
[Leaps into Friff-Fraff's arms]
I'm there!
[SCENE: Outside the castle gates, Mulder, Krycek, Samantha and Dr. Well-Manicured Man watch as the castle lifts off into the air with a tremendous roar]
TRUTH
(Sung to the tune of "Super Heroes")
MULDER
I've done a lot, God knows I've tried
To find the truth. I've even lied.
But all I know is
[Looks at Krycek]
Now my heart is
CHORUS
Lighter.
KRYCEK
'Cause all these aliens just bring you pain
You have your sister back again
And you're a lover now
[Smiles at Mulder]
Not just a
CHORUS
Fighter.
[SCENE: Cigarette-Smoking Man, in his office, twirling a globe]
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
And crawling on the planet's face
Some insects called the human race...
Lost in time, and lost in space.
No, wait, that's a different show...
Fuck it...
I need a cigarette.
ALL
Morleys...
FRIDAY EVENING X-FILES (REPRISE)
(Sung to the tune of "Science Fiction, Double Feature")
Chris Carter's vision
Met with derision.
Spank went and lost
His sexy pigeon.
Love has conquered
Fox and Alex.
The aliens gone
With their demon spawn.
Wo, oh, oh, oh
On the weekly, Friday evening
X-Files Show.
I want to go, oh, oh, oh, oh
On the weekly, Friday evening
X-Files Show.