The Kryptonian Conundrum

a Smallville/X Files badfic by mice

Slashy and NC-17

Don't even ask. I wrote this quite a while back in a fit of silliness, while in IRC.

The Kryptonian Conundrum
a Smallville/X Files badfic by mice

Once upon a time, there was an alien. He was pretty ordinary looking for an alien, really. Well... kinda cute actually, and all the boys and girls just *loved* him -- in a literal and meaningful way. But the person who loved him most was a very odd man named Fox.

You see, Fox had an alien fetish.

He loved it when his friend Frohike dressed up as a grey, and played "probe the human" with large, buzzing silver devices. He had met some aliens once before, but they were not very nice to
him. They'd probed him in very nasty, painful ways. Especially with that nose thing.

Fox had never been a big fan of nose sex, despite the generous size of his manly schnozz. But Fox still chased aliens for a living, hoping one day to find one that was hot and sexy and didn't like to play with nose things.

One day, Fox heard a rumor about a small town in Kansas. Weird things happened there all the time, particularly after a bunch of meteors had fallen to earth some 14 years or so ago. They contained glowing green stone, and wherever those stones were found, the most peculiar things would happen.

Well, okay Fox received a certain amount of misinformation, but this wasn't unusual in his world, where guys named "Deep Throat" and "Mr. X" would show up mysteriously and give him hints or shoot at him.

Fox went out to Smallville, Kansas to investigate these strange things, hauling his brilliant, gorgeous, and very sexy (for a woman) partner along, because you see, Dana was very adept at
telling real aliens from fake ones -- at least when she did autopsies on them. After several days of asking around, Fox and Dana turned up a number of very peculiar stories about people with strange powers. Or, at least, they had them for a few minutes and then the powers disappeared. At least, that's what people told them.

These strange goings on seemed to often happen around a young man named Clark. Clark was studly and handsome, and rather underaged, but Mulder looked pretty young for nearing 40, or at
least so he thought. He worked out by constantly practicing weight lifting, because, as we all know, his cock is enormous, and weighs at least five pounds all by itself.

Well... he played basketball too. But his favorite practice was lifting his cock to workout videos that he didn't own.

So Fox decided to go and speak to the delectable young Clark, to see if he could turn up any evidence regarding these strange powers, far beyond those of mortal men. When he got to the Kent residence, he found Clark out in the barn slinging hay. Clark had company though, in the form of one Lex Luthor -- aspiring bad guy and all around bald cutie.

After a moment, Fox realized that the hay wasn't being flung as a chore; it was flying around in the air as the two younger men sported gaily. Fox noticed that Lex was probing young Clark.

Now, where there's probing, there have to be aliens, So mulder hid behind a hay bale to gather evidence.

He knew that Dana was in town talking to a young woman named Chloe, who had witnessed several unusual phenomena, but we'll get back to them later, because right now Fox is watching Clark and Lex intently. None of the probing he witnessed seemed to involve large buzzy silver probes, but there was a huge flesh-colored one.

He stared enviously.

Because where there are probes and aliens, there must be space ships, and he hoped that Lex, who was obviously an alien, since no human has an endowment like that, would lead him back to his ship when he was done with the delicious young Clark.

As he watched, Clark writhed and moaned and called out. Fox fought down an urge to go and rescue the young man from his torture, but then again, some of those moans didn't sound like
they were from pain, and in fact, Fox found the whole scene curiously arousing. Indeed, his own private weight set was making itself known as Lex probed Clark deeper and deeper.

To make his waiting more comfortable, he ended up having to unzip his pants so his cock wouldn't be so badly placed inside his suit. The pressure had been quite annoying, you see, and it felt much better out in the warm, hay-scented air of the barn, though he could detect an unmistakable scent of... masculine arousal in the air as well. He hoped it wasn't one of the horses.

Unfortunately, though his cock felt better out in the air, it just kept getting harder and more purple as he watched Lex bite Clark's neck and shoulders while he probed him. Something had to be done to alleviate this bodily crisis.

Lex started moaning and thrusting wildly, and then, with a loud shout, he spasmed and collapsed onto the young dark haired man's back.

"Aw, man, Lex -- I wanted more," Clark complained.

Lex just whimpered incoherently and slid into the hay, his probe was still standing at attention, twitching nervously, as though it detected Fox hiding behind the hay bale.

"I guess you're just going to have to let me play now," Clark said.

Lex nodded and grinned, breathing hard. Clark offered him a hand up, and helped Lex prop himself against one of the 6x6 barn support columns. It was then that Fox noticed Clark was sporting a pretty damned fine probe himself: one of... alien proportions.

Clark started kissing and licking Lex all over his firm, entirely hairless body.

Entirely... hairless...

Now that was a mutation not seen in humans, Fox thought. All smooth. All sweaty. All...

ooh

Clark worked his way down Lex's back and sides with his tongue and teeth. Lex giggled when Clark hit his tickle spots. This was too much for Fox's overexcited appendage, so he took it in his
hand to discipline it, but his palm felt too good, and discipline didn't really seem the answer in this situation.

Fox crouching behind the hay bale...

Clark nibbling on Lex's ass like some demented chipmunk...

In fact, his palm felt so good that he grabbed his manly spear and started stroking it, lightly at first, then harder, as Clark probed Lex's ass with his tongue. Then Clark nibbled his way back up Lex's body, curling around him to nibble on nipples Fox couldn't see because their bodies were both in the way.

Lex purred happily.

Fox had never heard an alien purr before. Well, except Frohike in his alien costume, when Fox would reach inside the little man's pants to probe him, because of course, when playing with
aliens, turnabout is only fair play. But Lex's purrs were far more exciting than Frohike's had ever been.

And Lex was.... hairless.

Frohike -- the guy was probably half hobbit. He had hair everywhere, even in spots most people might consider... unnatural. Fox contemplated opening an X File on his friend, but was drawn back to the scene before him when Clark grabbed Lex by the hips and pushed him up against the support beam. Clark's magnificent alien probe stood out before him, and he eased it up to Lex's ass and started to probe the completely, utterly bald man.

Lex squealed.

Clark grunted.

The probe slipped in. Fox started pumping his cock as Clark started pumping Lex. The display was quite... fascinating. Intriguing even.

Fox stored every nanosecond in his eidetic memory for later playback.

The sounds the two made as they sported -- gaily of course -- were entirely arousing, and Fox was certainly aroused by them. As Clark began probing faster and faster, Fox's hand joined the
rhythm. It was as though the three of them were psychically connected in some kinky sexual way, because we all know that aliens are psychic and that Fox had recently had to deal with an alien artifact that had blown his brain open to every single thought that anyone around him ever had. Every. Single. Thought. Including when Byers and Langly were gazing at one another adoringly in the waiting room that afternoon...

But anyway...

His hand, and Clark's probe, and Lex's bouncing against the support beam all continued to pick up speed. Fox used his other hand to play with his nuts while Clark reached in front of Lex and started pumping him.

Lex howled.

Clark groaned.

Fox came all over the hay bale in front of him. He hoped the horses wouldn't notice.

Lex was spurting semen all over the support beam, and Clark shouted "oh GOD Lex!" when his own probe hit overload. Suddenly, the only thing he could hear were softly shuffling livestock and three men breathing heavily.

Meanwhile, back in town, Dana was interrogating Chloe.

For some reason, the young woman had insisted that any audience with her must involve complete nudity, Dana found this irregular, but Chloe was pretty cute for a kid. Well, maybe she wasn't quite such a kid. She did have nice tits. And those lips -- they'd stop trucks on superhighways.

Dana wasn't particularly keen on nude interviews, but it was all for the quest: Mulder's quest. The one he kept ditching her for, even when she tried to seduce him. The air was slightly chill in the room and Dana's nipples were taking notice.

So were Chloe's.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," Chloe apologized, "let me warm those up for you. Chloe slinked over to Dana and slid her hot mouth over Dana's cold, cold nipples.

Dana blinked.

When Chloe sucked, Dana forgot that Fox had ever existed, though she was sure that there would be evidence somewhere. Loose hairs, a few fibres of fabric from a suit, half a gallon of sperm in the rug in front of the couch where he watched those videos that weren't his...

She took a deep breath as Chloe's hands caressed her. She snuggled in and caressed back, her delicate surgeon's hands tracing the smooth lines of Chloe's ass. The tips of Dana's fingers brushed along the inside of Chloe's warm ass cheeks, and then they found a lovely damp spot. It was all warm and terribly sweet on the tips of her fingers.

Chloe moaned and squirmed, sliding her own fingers into Dana's own secret recesses.

Dana raised a hand to bring Chloe's face to her own. She might find some evidence in that gorgeous mouth of hers if she went in looking. She slid her tongue along Chloe's lips, which opened to her, and then she slid her tongue inside, looking for possible fragments of green meteoric stone. Who knows? She might have some hidden in other body cavities as well.

Dana began probing with her fingers.

Chloe seemed to be enjoying the full body cavity search far more than was right, but then again, so was Dana. The two kissed and licked and probed and squeezed. A moment later, Dana found a hard little bump between Chloe's legs. When she touched it, Chloe gasped.

It was an interesting reaction, so Dana played with the hard little bump. Everything was getting wetter and warmer, and Chloe was pumping her fingers into Dana's hot cavern of desire with
one hand, and twisting Dana's hot but still erect nipples with the other.

Dana pinched Chloe's nipple while she played with the hard little bump, and Chloe started moaning Dana's name, her own warm recesses grabbing Dana's inserted fingers tightly. With her thumb, Chloe found Dana's pleasure button and pushed...

just

so.

Dana gasped and saw lights flashing and stars falling from the sky. She was pretty sure they weren't meteors, as they were inside a building at the time. After taking a little time to
catch their breath, Dana said "Well, I can't find any evidence that you're concealing any meteoric stone, so I suppose I'll have to let you go."

Chloe wrapped her arms around Dana's waist. "Oh," she said with a pout, "already? I have a perfectly lovely bed over there where we can rest for a while. Besides, it's always fun to snuggle
after one's been subjected to a full body cavity search."

Dana thought this was a lovely idea, so she and Chloe tucked themselves under the covers to take a nap.

Fox and Dana never did find any concrete evidence of unusual activity in Smallville, but Fox was quite convinced, nonetheless, that Clark and Lex were both aliens, and vowed to return and probe them himself to be sure.