Title: La Suocera

Author: Mitsaso

E-Mail: Mitsaso@in.gr, Mitsaso_X@hotmail.com

Archive: Sure. Just inform me if you want to archive it someplace else,so that I can do silly happy dances around my room.

Disclaimer: The X-Men all belong to Marvel and Stan Lee. No profit is made of this story... you can sue me however, I always wanted to watch a trial up close! Oh, as for the two ladies Elisa and Gina, they're mine! Not that I want to keep Elisa that much...

Rating: PG-13 due to creepy mother-in-law from Sicily, unorthodox use of pets, icky love scenes and verbal torture of innocent mutants... Oh, and language.

Summary: The atrocious Wolverine finally meets his ultimate nemesis; his mother-in-law!

Warnings: The concept is based on a little comic story with original characters I had made myself. But since I'm the only person reading my comics, I thought of sharing my ideas with a larger audience; fanfic readers! "Suocera" stands for "mother-in-law" in Italian. How obvious, huh? Oh, the story is obviously an AU.

[] indicates telepathic communication

Too bad this is plain text format and I can't place little skulls in each side of the title... *sobs*



~ LA SUOCERA~
by Mitsaso

The rain droplets were viciously beating the ground with their devastating force, making it one of these nights when a look outside through the window diminished every mood for going out on a night like this.

The pouring soon developed into a full-fledged storm, and the funny thing was that Storm had nothing to do with it, since she was currently drunk and singing Boney M's "Sunny" at the karaoke machine. Drake and Gambit had somehow managed to trick her into a little drinking competition. Amazingly, she had won. But both Drake and LeBeau now seemed perfectly sober as they cheered Storm into giving the performance of her life.

"SUNNY! - yesterday my life was filled with rain..."

Logan cocked his head, watching Ororo swing her hips in synch with the music coming out of the infernal contraption, as her voice kept antagonising the machine in producing sound pollution. Three empty bottles of martini were resting their empty carcasses on the floor next to her. Man, that woman could drink, when she wanted to.

"SUNNY! - you smiled at me and really eased the pain..."

There were times like this when Wolverine wished that one of his mutant abilities, instead of enhanced senses (such as hearing), would be total deafness. The moments were still passing slowly, as time always did when being in a torturous situation. Ororo still kept on squeaking about sunny, bright days while a thrilling full- fledged storm kept going outside.

"SUNNY!- ONE SO TRUE... I LOVE YOUOUOUOUOU!"

Storm's voice was so high-pitched at the time that Logan almost missed the ringing of the doorbell. Thankfully, there had been the aforementioned enhanced senses and the little fact that the mansion's doorbell was especially designed to be loud, in order to be easily heard in every single room of a really huge building like this.

Logan carefully approached the door. Nobody of good intentions would come and visit with weather like this. It was either some sort of attack, or something very important that couldn't wait for the weather to subside.

Then he remembered. *She* was supposed to arrive tonight. Storm's excruciatingly painful singing had made him forget that for a while. You always forget pain with another kind of pain, after all.

Reaching the main door, Logan tried to sniff the presence outside, but the rain made it nearly impossible to pick up a decent scent.

Opening the door at last, he realised he could see nobody outside, nothing but total darkness and the sound of rain whipping the ground with force.

He tried to use his animalistic abilities and finally made out a short, dark figure standing by the doorframe a few feet ahead of him.

As he opened his mouth to ask the stranger who he was, a sudden lightning provide the answer itself, briefly giving enough light to reveal the stranger's appearance and apparent identity.

A very short old woman, almost two thirds the height of the average X-Man, was standing by the door, close enough to be protected from the rain by the porch above. She was very short and equally fat, as her vest was bulging from everywhere, especially at the level of her hips. Her grey hair was caught on a huge hairball on the back of her head. She held a suitcase in each hand, her height barely allowing the suitcases to not touch the ground. Her wet, plain black umbrella has poking out of her bag, which was thrown around her shoulder. She seemed like the average Mediterranean old woman. Only fatter, shorter and uglier.

But her eyes betrayed her evil nature, as she looked down on him (although the height difference wouldn't normally allow that) and greeted him in an eerily cold, unfriendly voice that was almost seemed to wish his untimely death at the same time:

«Buonasera. I'm Elisa" her eyes had a snobbish but bloodthirsty look that seemed to be her natural one. "And you...must be the low-life that stole my only daughter away from me. Am I wrong?"

Logan successfully controlled the anger that was provoked by her behaviour and tried to find the most appropriate, ever-friendly answer to that. But he just couldn't find the right words. After a long pause, his embarrassing predicament made him come up with this:

"Ehhh- Can I call you Mom?"

She shot him a very malevolent nasty look, showing him how eager she was to be friends with him.

Logan winced, a little voice inside his head telling him that very difficult days were ahead...




THE PREVIOUS DAY

The sunlight was barging through the opened window shades, one of the sunrays falling straight into Logan's eyes. Waking up was inevitable under those circumstances. He eagerly rubbed his eyes and then used them to shot an exploring look around his room. No, *their* room.

His sweet wife was peacefully sleeping next to him, her ebony black hair framing her face and toning her angelic characteristics. Her long, rich eyelashes marked the size of her incredibly big, nut-shaped eyes. Too bad they were closed shut and he couldn't admire her emerald green eyes. Her big, lush lips were half-open, making lots of dirty thoughts hammering Logan's mind. Thankfully, she wasn't drooling on her pillow too, or else the perfect image would be instantly destroyed.

Logan sniffed inquisitively around the room, trying to locate a fresh trail of his wife towards the adjacent bathroom and back. Finding nothing, he was pleased to insure himself that his wife wasn't one of those who get up early in the morning, visit the bathroom to make themselves beautiful, and then get back on the bed and pretend to be asleep, letting their boyfriends/husbands think that they always wake up in the morning looking like goddesses.

But apparently his Gina was a natural goddess.

When she was first hired by Professor X as a replacement teacher (for the many times when the X-Men were missing in action) in the Institute based at their mansion, her sultry Italian good looks was the first thing to strike him. Wolverine soon found out that she had come from Italy, a small village in Sicily to be more specific, where she had lived with her mother all of her life. Her lonely life there as a young girl had made her turn her attention towards books, and when she finished school she left her mother and her strictness and went to college in Perugia. There she became a specialist in any kind of Literature, thus drawing the attention of Xavier as a very promising Literature teacher. At the time she wasn't even aware of her mutation, some kind of automatic translation, making her able to communicate with ease with people of any nationality. While talking to some Russian tourists, for example, she seemed to perfectly speak Russian to them, while she had thought that they were fluent in Italian.

As many days passed with her living in the mansion, it eventually turned out that Gina was one of the women who just didn't realise how gorgeous they are. Her European attitude towards most situations, as well as her useful in teaching ability, soon made her a constant, irreplaceable teacher, while her naive and childish character made her all the more likeable to most people sharing the same home with her. She was perfectly fine with mutants claiming their rights, though she never thought of using her own powers for something else beyond teaching. There is no need to mention that Logan fell for her hard.

He had no difficulty in luring her to his bed, of course.

Then they started dating, her pleasant character making it all the easier without her actually being perky and annoying. As they spent a few months together, Logan was able to shape a full impression on her character. He thought she would have been the ideal example of a brunette bimbo, if it wasn't for her notorious mania on classy literature.

So, she was like an intellectual bimbo, pretty and childish on the one side, but deeply in cultural thinking on the other side. Like all intellectual minds, she could never rely on her memory for anything. *She* was the one forgetting their anniversaries in this relationship.

As time went by, Logan found himself tangled in Gina's love-web. He thought of proposing to her, but she had to pass two tests first. The first one; she had already passed it. She managed to be alive for several months while dating Wolverine.

The second test wasn't something that she should do to prove herself, but something that Logan would have to think about himself. He spent a few days trying to find out if this relationship really fulfilled him, or if he was just compromising with Gina, since he couldn't have Jean.

After what turned out to be weeks of self-knowing, he decided to give up thinking and do what he was the best at doing; follow his instinct.

Fighting the loner inside him for Gina's sake, he even proposed at her unexpectedly during a lunch with all of the X-Men present, making Drake choke on his soup and Jean to spill wine all over the table in her excitement, all the time saying 'I'll drink to that!'.

Gina never actually said yes, because she was squealing all the time. As soon as she gave him an insuring kiss, she ran off to town with all the girls (Jean included) to try out wedding gowns and such marriage stuff.

She was being a bit scary after that, acting like a crazed bride-to- be, but it all subsided when they finally got married. Her only problem was that her mother couldn't make it to the wedding, due to her fear of airplanes and some slight sickness. That excluded the possibility to bring her along with the X-Jet too.

Six months had passed since the wedding and Logan was falling for her more and more by each day, not that he was her little bitch or anything of course. Gina never tried to suffocate his independence.

But he was doing it himself every time he would watch her sleep like an angel under the sunlight. Like now.

Still watching her, he silently promised to himself to never hurt his angel.

As she woke up, she blinked her eyes twice and stretched her hands together. She then slowly cocked her head towards him, looking at him with soul-binding eyes and smiled lazily.

"You're awake then?"

"Yeah. Mornin' sunshine." It seemed highly appropriate, since the sunshine was blinding her eyes at the time.

"Good morning to you too, Logan." she stretched her hands once more, but Logan grabbed them, pulling her into his arms for a lock...that eventually turned into sweet cuddling.

As she rested in his arms, trying not to drift back into sleep again, she finally resulted to sugary chit-chat.

"This is pure perfection..." she said, a dreamy expression on her face.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean it's just plain perfect...living together...the two of us..." she was slowly turning into a creature who jumped out of Barbara Cartland books...not that she would read such rubbish...not that Logan was reading such stuff either...

"Well, I guess it is. The hundred of us..." he said, adding all the fellow mutants and students who lived under the same roof in her happiness equation.

"Well, 101 by tomorrow..." she added in turn.

"Why? Who's coming tomorrow?"

"...Mom."


"...!" Logan felt like a big track made of adamantium barged into their room (on the second floor?) and run over him, taking him out of the window and straight into the crystal-cold waters of the lake beside the mansion. Not physically, of course, but it still hurt like a bitch.

Elisa.

Gina's mother. The one who grew her up all alone, although she had been a widow almost since her daughter's birth. Gina's descriptions of her mother gave away a very strict and grumpy woman, but she had toned to him that her mother had been all her life up to the day she left for college, and that she owes her everything. She hadn't been with them at the wedding, and Logan didn't need to be a psychic to suspect it was out of Elisa's disappointment of her only child marrying a non-Sicilian.

He knew that even Gina couldn't be flawless. Her mother was surely going to prove herself a big flaw.

"So...Your mom's coming to visit, huh? I guess her leg is better now, huh? And isn't she afraid of airplanes anymore?" Logan slowly started turning into the Spanish Inquisition.

"Her leg is much better. She's going to take some pills and sleep through the entire trip. Is that enough?" she said, a little irritation colouring her voice.

"Why haven't you told me earlier?" Logan asked, a bit harshly.

Gina characteristically poked the side of her head with her index finger twice, reminding him of her memory problem. She always forgets things anyway...why not something unpleasant like this?

"Okay. Forgiven." he smiled weakly at her. The blow from the inexistent truck had taken its toll on him.

As they hugged, he heard a small "Ow!" coming out of her mouth, indicating that she must have remembered something else as well...equally unpleasant, apparently.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you some other things about my mother..." she said, innocently biting her index finger through her lips.

"I'm listening..." he said smiling, his amusement mixed with ever-growing worry.

"Weeeeell...Mom has some other issues, too. She's a bit of a racist."

"You mean what? She hates black people? Or is she a homophobe?" Logan's worry grew much bigger than any amusement. He hoped they wouldn't have to hide Storm in the cellar for as long as his mother-in-law from Sicily would stay there...it could prove destructive for the local weather.

"Oh, I haven't even given much thought at these matters...Truth is... She hates..."

"...she hates...?" Logan repeated in encouragement.

"...mutants."

That was more than Logan could possibly expect. "Wait a minute. *You* are a mutant. Doesn't your mother know that her only child is a mutant?"

"Eeeeeerr...You see, my mutation isn't even obvious to *me*, so I thought I had better not tell-"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! We live in a building with legions of mutant children! Do you really expect your mother to stay in here and *not* notice that your students are little kiddies with transparent skin and horns coming out of their butts?"

Gina had adopted a really dumb expression by then, seemingly thinking over Wolverine's rightful points. "...That never crossed my mind." she answered, innocently looking back at him.

"If your mom really dislikes mutants, she will have a heart attack as soon as she sets her foot in here! What have you told her about this school?"

"That it's a border school for special kids. It IS the truth, after all."

"How are you going to explain to her the function of the X-Men?" sometimes Logan could barely understand the logic of his wife's thinking.

"I can tell her that they're simply teachers. That's what you guys are, up to some level."

"And what about the freaky looking children?"

"Does she have to see them?" she questioned with unnerving ease.

Logan started thinking that Storm would probably get away with it...but apparently 50 poor mutants kids would have to remain locked up in the cellar until Elisa would go back home (by Gina's logic, at least).

"How will we make her *not* see those kids, Gina?" Logan almost never called Gina by her name. It was usually 'sweetie' or 'sunshine' or something similar. But the matter was now too serious for him to go all sugary. None of them had realised that Gina had by now left the safety of his arms and have gone back to her side of the king-size bed, looking at him with stubborn irritation. "Hide them on the trees?" he said, forgetting that he dared not give such ideas to that woman.

"Actually, I was thinking of moving their stuff down at the cellar for a while..."

Doh!

"Never mind that question. Just tell me this one thing; what if something urgent happens, like the Juggernaught barging into the mansion? What will your mother think? How will we explain to her?"

"Uhmmmm...I guess we'll have to improvise in that case." this time she managed to accidentally chew on her finger. "Ow!"

"Aw, my baby's hurt" he said, picking up her hurt finger and kissing it to make it heal.

"Promise me you won't upset my mom, Logan." Gina said, ignoring her hurting finger.

"I can't promise..."

Gina pouted and mentally prepared herself to get off the bed and give him hell for his refusal for the rest of the day.

"...I can swear however. I swear I won't do anything to upset your mother. I'll also give my best shot about the mutant-hiding thing." What the hell, an old woman from Italy couldn't be THAT bad. She probably wouldn't even be able to speak English... hopefully.

"Awww you DO love me after all!" she said, pulling him into a fiery morning kiss.

"If loving you was a tiny little sin, then I would already have secured my place in hell for the next billion years."

Hearing this, Gina pulled him in another kiss and pinned him on the bed while devouring his mouth.

It seemed that Logan WAS reading Barbara Cartland books after all.



DAY "0"

Elisa stepped into the mansion, carefully cleaning her wet shoes on the doormat. She had her eyes locked upon Wolverine's terrified ones all that time.

"Want me to carry your stuff...?" he proposed, being a gentleman as he had promised to his wife.

"No. I can handle." Brief, effective and harsh words were escaping her lips, probably carefully prepared before each sentence.

Logan almost whimpered at the sound of her voice. He was scared up to one point, scared of screwing up. He could already barely control his urge to put his claws in good use and rip out the lungs of a woman he had known for 2 minutes. I guess it was love in first sight.

At the adjacent room, Storm abruptly stopped singing, probably sensing even in her drunken stupor that this wasn't the right time for joyful singing.

As the Italian grumpy witch walked a little further inside, admiring the classy furniture, she cocked her head towards her son-in-law.

"Is this a border school for rich kids?" Logan could see a gleam of greed in her eyes.

"You could say that..." He could remember at least one rich kid studying in these halls...Warren.

Intense stomping was heard from the stairs. Jean must have 'sensed' the presence of their visitor and have come to welcome her...with some company of course.

Rogue and Betsy came down the stairs along with Jean and they all half-run to the short woman.

They all abruptly stopped dead on their tracks when they noticed the snobbish, unfriendly shadow in front of her eyes.

Elisa left her suitcases on the floor and walked slowly around the three women, eyeing their clothing. Jean had on one of her usual ultra-mini skirts, along with a tight t-shirt. Rogue had on some skimpy hotpants and some even skimpier bra-like thing to 'cover' her breasts. She had her gloves on-but why bother wearing gloves when everything else is uncovered? As for Betsy...she somehow had been wearing her 'costume'. The one which resembled a one piece bath suit, with the scarf-like ninja thingies bent around her feet and arms.

"What the hell is this place...a border school or a WHOREHOUSE?!?!" Elisa finally snapped at them, obviously indicating that the poor girls looked like whores in their most desperate working days.

All the gals had their eyes grown in shock and embarrassment. Well, not all three of them.

"Let me gut her, Logan..." Betsy whispered a bit too loud for it to actually be considered a whisper.

"What? What did she say?" It seemed that the old hag's hearing system was perfectly well-functioning for her age...

"Eeer, she said: Let me greet her!" Logan tried to pick up the pieces while shooting a scolding look at Psylocke, then pleading with his eyes for Jean to do something.

Jean and Rogue instantly greeted the old woman by picking her hands and shaking them, one each. Elisa tried to hide her icky expression after they let go, looking at her 'contaminated' hands which had been touched by whores.

At last, Gina walked in, saw that her mother had arrived and saved the day, causing a distraction for the other girls to go upstairs and change into something LESS comfortable. The funny thing was that Gina herself was now wearing something really conservative, nothing close to the sort-of-skimpy clothing she was used to wear and tease everyone around...

As his mother-in-law bent over to pick up her stuff, Logan took the chance to whisper into Gina's ear. "Why didn't you warn us about the clothing, you sneaky little..."

Logan had guessed her answer before listening to it: "I forgot"

Between quick kisses and compliments for each other, Gina introduced her husband to her mother. She actually said something like 'I guess you already met Logan' and then went on to 'how are things back home?', thus taking Logan out of the picture for the time being. Logan silently thanked her for giving him some minutes of release by any kind of Elisa-related pressure, and then he walked to the room where Storm had been previously using her voice to make the flies drop dead on the floor, their tiny ears bleeding.

It seemed that as soon as Elisa had stepped in, Bobby and Remy had muffled Ororo, picked her up and taken her upstairs to avoid making a scene. Bless those boys...



MINUTES LATER

Logan walked to Xavier's office where the Professor was supposed to greet Elisa. He had to warn the Professor to give the woman a room at the other side of the mansion (as far away from his bedroom as possible). The last thing he wanted was his mother-in-law barging in Gina's and his bedroom anytime she felt like it.

But as he walked in, he realised he was too late; everyone was already there, as Xavier was sitting at his wheelchair and Gina and her mother were standing by his office.

"Mrs. Maledetto, I want to ensure you that you are most welcomed here and you can stay as long as you want and relish your reunion with your daughter, whom you haven't seen for a long, long time." Chuck was very sleek with her, that made Logan wonder if he had sneaked into the witch's mind to see what would comfort her...ease her...make her shut up!

"Good." was all that she said at first. "Because I don't intend to spend just a weekend here, you know, not after such a long, difficult-and expensive- trip."

"Oh shit," Logan thought, "I will have to go check the cellar's capacity."

Then he smelled something unusual.

Something...alive was in one of Elisa's suitcases.

As he approached the suitcase and sniffed right at it, he realised he could smell the presence of a small animal in it.

"What is HE doing?" said Elisa, grabbing away her suitcase, shooting a Gollum look at Logan, almost saying "Miiineee. Miiiiine!"

"There's something in there!" Logan protested, hurt at the mistrust in his "mom's" eyes.

"Oh, what a smart son-in-law I have! It's a *suitcase* there's always something supposed to be in there!" Elisa snapped at him without actually intending that wisecrack.

"I meant something *alive*." he tried to answer at the same manner as her, but his wife shot him a pleading look and his words came out totally flat.

"Hey-how are *you* supposed to know what's in my suitcase?" Elisa rumbled on.

"I can sme- Ow!" Gina had kicked him right at the ankle, reminding him that her mother wasn't supposed to find out about anybody's mutant abilities. She hadn't forgotten *that* one, apparently. "I could hear it scratching the insides of the suitcase." he finally said.

"But you are wrong, because my-" she began to talk back, but the intense scratching noise timely coming from the bag interrupted her.

"Uh-oh, busted", Bobby intervened, chuckling. The evil look he received from the -trembling in frustration- eyes of Elisa made the chuckling stop, and Bobby swiftly disappeared behind the crowd of the other present X-Men, who were now keeping themselves from chuckling at him.

"Mom, don't tell me you brought Cornutino with you."

Who was Cornutino?

"I did", the old grump said, but there was no sign of guilt or remorse in her eyes. Just pride.

She opened the bag and a frustrated plain brown cat jumped out.

A low rumbling noise raised through the room as everyone started whispering comments at each other.

"Why did you put him in a *suitcase*, mom? There are special boxes with holes for him to breath, you know. Only that way you can bring him into an airplane." Gina's voice sounded concerned, even scolding.

"Do you know how much they charge for animal packages? He did just fine in the suitcase, next to Mommy." Elisa said, picking up the cat and cooing to it.

Logan's nose had the little twitch it made every time he felt disgusted. Every friend of the enemy is *also* an enemy, he thought, looking the cat straight into the eyes, as the evil thing's head looked up from the back of Elisa's shoulder.

"How could I live without my baby? After all, I can't feel safe without my little Cornutino? Who would track and hunt down the bad, bad mutants for me?"

Everyone started looking each other at the eyes upon hearing these words. What did she mean?

The cat shot an evil look back at Logan.

"Uh, mom, I have told you, like, a million times that a cat cannot scout mutants."

"My Cornutino can tell. I have trained him goood." the Italian widow answered back. "You do remember our neighbour, Mr.Pondi, don't you, Gina?"

"Yeah. He was the one who was letting me ride his back when I was a little girl."

"Well, Cornutino never liked Mr.Pondi. And a month ago, we found out that the bastard was a mutant. He threw up mud right on Miss Carla's laundry clothes. He's still there, but as soon as I get back home I'll find a way to get him evicted."

"Mom..."

"I'm telling you, I'm right! I can show you! Come on, Cornutino, find a nasty nasty mutant for Mommy!" she said, letting the cat on the floor. "If there is a mutant in this room, Cornutino will attack him."

Electrified silence fell on the room as everyone remained still, not knowing whether to laugh at the old woman's naivety or worry about the possible supernatural abilities of the cat.

Cornutino jumped on the desk and looked Xavier straight at the eyes, an evil catlike look on its two big shiny disks. Xavier managed to remain calm and tried to soothe the animal's mind. But he then realised that somehow the damn cat was immune to his powers.

[Everybody calm down and remain still, somehow I think our visitor is right. There is something unnatural with this cat. It might be able to tell if we're mutants.] The Professor sent a mental warning into everyone's mind except for Elisa's of course. Everyone winced at the news and tried to seem unsuspicious, Bobby even held his breath. Well, not for more than 8 seconds, that is.

Thankfully the cat got off the desk and strolled towards the big bunch of mutants standing close to each other behind its Mommy, Gina and the stupid looking hairy man.

It kept going, all the time giving inquisitive looks in every single person in the room, making Jubilee wince and Bobby almost cry. Then, Inspector Paws went on to Wolverine, cocking its head up in order to have eye contact with him. Total silence enveloping them, both Logan and Cornutino struggled to prevail in the evil looking contest. The cat had an advantage because it possessed evil cat-like eyes, being a cat and all that. But Logan somehow managed to bring the game to a draw.

The cat withdrawed its eyes from Logan and gave a knowing look to Gina, then went back to the middle of the room. Analysing the facts from its research, Cornutino came to the conclusion that everyone in the room but Mommy was a bad mutant. Realising that it couldn't possibly attack everyone in the room, the cat screeched and bolted out of the open door in panic.

Everyone sighed in relief; Jubilee even scooped some sweat from her forehead. Xavier made a mental note never to welcome cats in the mansion again.

"Ohhh, poor baby..." Elisa exclaimed. "It must be the jetlag", she explained, before going after the cat.



AN HOUR LATER

After the cat was caught and restricted in a cage "for Cornutino's own good" as Logan ensured his very concerned 'mom', Gina escorted both her mother and the insane cat to their room, in order to get some sleep after that tiring trip they had. She probably forgot that her mother had already spent the entire trip sleeping.

Logan started to walk around the place, trying to make himself familiar with the fact that a cat was his brother-in-law.

Wandering in the halls of the huge old building that he called 'home' for many years, Logan found himself right out of the door to the lab, where Hank spent most of his days working his ass off. He decided to walk in and say 'hi' and also find out if his working hours allowed him to know that he wasn't supposed to get out, in case Elisa saw him, connecting his luscious blue fur with the fact that he's a 'nasty, nasty mutant' and set Cornutino to get him.

"Blue, are you in here?" he said as he knocked on the door that he had already opened.

"I'm currently present and available, my friend Logan. Would you like to rejoice us with your valuable company?" the friendly voice came, soothing his ears from an hour of hyper speeded grumbling. It seemed that Mediterranean women had a great talent on fast speaking, all the more deadly when combined with grumbling, like Elisa did the whole hour before finally finding her cat on a cherry tree in the garden. Logan's extra-sensitive hearing didn't help at all with the situation too.

"Who else is here?" Logan asked, before realising that Warren, Gambit and Bobby were in there too.

"My friends Robert and Remy were granting me their company for the last hour, probably wanting to avoid contact with your dear mother, and Warren just walked in here to stretch his wings a bit."

"They had gone numb by keeping them restricted under the jacket, for Elisa *not* to see." Warren added.

"I suppose you know about the whole anti-mutant thing then, huh?"

"Indeed. I have been making more image inducers, like the ones we have, so that we'll be able to give one to each student. This way nobody will have to hide in his room from your mother and the classes will be able to continue without further problems."

"I hope you will appreciate the sacrifices we make for your wife and her mother, Logan." it was Warren who re-initiated the painful circle of grumbling.

"Oh, shut up, Bird, Remy t'inks she's nice."

All three men cocked their heads towards the thief. "NICE?" they yelled at him in unison.

"Oui. Cute, even." Remy added shamelessly.

This time all three of them ignored him, probably thinking that he was just joking. Gambit would consider cute anything of female gender with legs. Even those with short, flabby legs.




THE NEXT NIGHT

Logan was having a relaxing shower. He had washed out the sods hours ago and he now just left the hot water fall on his shoulders and help him relax.

Relaxation was all he needed right now. After spending a whole day around his mother-in-law, he needed to stop thinking about the days that were about to come and concentrate on the hot water massaging his backside.

Elisa, though being only one person, had made her distinctive impression all over the mansion, commenting on the needlessly expensive decoration, scolding Storm for her indecent taste on hair dye and lecturing Scott for wandering the mansion in his boxers. Not only she lectured Scott, but her lecturing also lasted longer and was too painful to actually just pretend to listen to while thinking about other things. It was painfully long, although it was actually in the form of one single sentence, since she never seemed to stop between saying two different things... that's how her lecture towards Scott had begun:

"As a teacher you should be giving the example to your students-not carry your body around in this state of clothing-and what IS the matter with those stinking red-RED!-glasses?-you wear those frigging glasses all the frigging time-do you even clean them?-are you aware that only drag queens and rock stars wear such sunglasses-and you young man-you seem to be nothing of these two-unless you run off at nights and sell your body at the closest whorehouse-not to mention the resemblances of THIS particular place to a whorehouse-why would pretty girls such as those in here ever need to dress up like prostitutes-and what kind of teachers are you at all?-what kind of example you're giving to the girls studying here-not to mention the young lady Aurora with her white-dyed hair!-you should wait until your sixties if you want white hair darling-you too my dear-yes-you with the white streak on your head-did you just scoop up the dye that was left from Aurora's and smeared it on your front hair?-oh you young people today-or is it just Americans?-I never saw such a bad example for the children back at my village..."

And that's when she took her first breath since beginning the lecture.

The hot, almost burning water had made Logan forget the rest of the things that she had said, but he would still need some minutes in there to erase the rest of it from his overloaded mind...

His mind drifted back to the storm that ravaged the land the whole day was also one of the facts that brought this day into one of the worst of his life. Storm, having a massive hangover from last night's drinking-karaoke contest, was pissed off at Remy and Bobby for tricking her into getting drunk and also felt like crap from the hangover. Elisa's evil lectures were NOT helping her to get her spirits up too. So it was no wonder that the greatest storm of the year had taken place today.

Trying to stop thinking about what happened that day, but about WHAT was going to happen, Logan tried to locate his lovely wife's equally lovely odour. Gina was right outside, slacking off on their common bed. Even through the repeating noise of the shower and the water splashing all over, Logan could hear the slight buzzing of the TV in the other room.

His enhanced ability to perceive sound also made his perfectly capable of hearing the knocking on the door of their bedroom.

He could hear Gina's footsteps towards the door and the brief greeting she shared with whoever it was as she opened it.

He could also listen to the visitor's voice and make out who it was.

A rich voice with fat, Mediterranean accent, brief and secured words.

'Mom'.

"Where's your spouse?"

"You can call him 'Logan', mom..."

"Never mind", she responded, the sound of the shower drawing her attention. "Is he coming out anytime?"

"He's in there for above an hour, so I must suppose he'll be soon out..."

Uh-Oh. Hearing this, Logan decided to stay in there as long as it took for the grumpy hag to get her ass out of there. His healing factor made him almost immortal, so he could easily win over her if he had to stay there until one of them died.

"He's there for an hour? Are you sure he's okay? Go check him out...what if he drowned and the water's still spending for no reason?"

Logan's claws spontaneously snickted out. Maybe if she kept on like this she wouldn't have to wait and die from natural reasons.

"Mom, why are you here? Weren't you supposed to be sleeping?"

"Oh, darling, I'm going insomniac again. Must be old Cornutino. Did you know how loud can a cat's snoring become? Especially a cat at his age..."

"And why would you come here, of all places?" Gina's voice seemed stern.

"Well, where else would I go, if not my only daughter's room? Just wanted to make sure you're all right."

"I'm with Logan, mom, with him I'm always all right."

"Oh, don't let me get started on him, Gina...Of all men, why should you get him?-There are so many decent Sicilian boys back home... Real, trustworthy men-unlike this low-life."

"Mom..." Gina's protest was supposed to interrupt her mother's growing rumbling, but it only got lost in Elisa's trail of words.

"...You know Flavio, the handsome son of Mr.Ganucci?-his older brother was seduced by a Russian wench and they took off-their father disowned him and now Flavio is the only heir to 90 acres of olive trees-he's still available and there's no woman on sight yet-"

"Maybe 'cause he's gay" Logan thought impishly.

"-so as soon as we get home I can give them a call-come on, Gina, nothing is lost yet with that animal-you can divorce him and since he hasn't knocked you up yet it will be as it never happened-and Flavio is so kind to the ladies-"

Logan chuckled freely under the disguise of the water's splashing. There was NO WAY his wife would leave THIS body for a bunch of olive trees at Sicily. Okay, maybe being naked in the bathroom always made him overconfident, but come ON. Things have changed since the 50's. The old hag should have known that. Especially an intellectual woman like Gina was close to the feminist one; the type of woman that would never accept to be sold for a big piece of land.

"-And you seem to need to get away from this place-this bald man on the chair is eerie-he can't even move his own wheelchair, for god's sake!-"

That was because Xavier had locked in a closet his high-tech hovering wheelchair in favour of a normal, plain one, that wouldn't provoke suspicions from Elisa. He wasn't used to moving the chair with his own hands.

"-and the cooking-don't let me get started with the cooking-almost none of the girls can cook a decent household dinner-so I promised to Jean and Rogue to show them how to cook a nice homemade Sicilian Pizza!"

Did she actually use an exclamation spot at the end of her sentence? I guess the rumbling grumbling had come to a halt for tonight.

"And that's what I had come to tell you tonight. I need someone to give me a ride to the city tomorrow..."

...and never bring her back.

"...so that I can buy the ingredients for the pizza and some things I will need for my residence here."

Wait a minute-she said *residence*? How long does she intend to live here? Long enough if she wants to buy things for herself...

"What do you want to buy, mom?" the ever-logical voice of Gina's was heard, feeling like a palm tree in the middle of a desert of grumbling.

"Oh, you know...I don't like the curtains in my room... And I guess I'll stay long enough to not have to suffer seeing them every time I wake up..."

OK that seemed pretty permanent to Logan, from his point of view. Slipping on the bathtub floor was inevitable by the time these bad news reached his ears. His head bumped on the side of the bathtub and nobody heard the thump coming from the bathroom. Not even Elisa with her unnaturally good (for her age) hearing.

He remained fainted like that for several minutes, until his healing factor kicked in. When he came to his senses, his mother-in-law had gone.

"I guess that hurting myself satisfied enough the hag to make her leave. Hey, maybe I should have done this from the beginning." he thought at himself, grinning and cupping his good-as-new forehead.

As he exited the bathroom, trying to look sexy in the towel around his waist, he saw Gina looking at him with a sweet look-like she wanted to ask him for something.

"Logan, I know that you haven't gone on a ride with your motorbike for weeks..."

He didn't like the sound of that...

"...so what would you say about doing it tomorrow, and give my mother a ride to the town as well?"

Ow crap!



A FEW HOURS LATER

Hank was leaving his lab for the first time in a few days, having a mutant-sensitive guest and all.

He had just finished making all those highly needed image inducers and he felt really good for himself, since the cranky Italian lady would remain as a guest for a long period of time and the inducers he made would prove really important for the stability of the oncoming semester's classes.

He felt like he was worthy of a small celebration. Some soda with a bunch of Twinkies from the kitchen would be nice. His Twinkie stash in the lab had been long gone (with him being near it all those days, it was at least expected), so he would also have to renew it by bringing new ones from the kitchen's secret side closet.

Silently walking on the tips of his toes, in a desperate attempt not to wake anybody with his clumsy footsteps, Hank approached the kitchen.

He casually entered it without being alarmed from the fact that the kitchen's lights were turned on.

As he walked in, he noticed a little throbbing hunching black figure beside the kitchen table. Strange murmuring sounds were coming from the figure's direction.

Leaning closer, Hank realised that the figure was Logan's mother-in-law, who was praying in the middle of the night, in the kitchen, being on the floor on her knees and also bending down as much as she could. Her long grey hair was caught on a big ponytail, left loose to swing around in each movement. As the old woman slowly stood up, unaware of the new presence in the room, Hank psychically prepared himself to greet her.

But then he remembered something.

His image inducer had been left behind in the lab.

He ran for the door and the safety of the darkness beyond it, just as she cocked her head towards him, barely enough to catch a brief glimpse of him and scream in terror...or excitement:

"DEMON!! DEMON!!"

She ran after whatever she saw, hunting it with her big crucifix, as it seemed to be obviously a work of the devil.

As she made it into the dark big hall and saw nothing, she realised that the creature was gone, frightened from her grace and morality, and had retracted itself into the darkness.

As soon as she was back at the kitchen and continued her prayers, the evil demon known as Dr.Henry McCoy retracted himself from the darkness of the small space behind the TV, forgetting any thoughts of Twinkies and soda for tonight and swearing to send Kurt to retrieve the Twinkies next time... this way the old hag might get herself a real demon.



THE NEXT MORNING

Logan's Harley raced like hell through the other vehicles on the road, making them look like motionless playthings compared to Harley's maximum horsepower.

Elisa had her hands tightly grabbing Logan from both sides as everything around them almost tuned into a blur. However, Logan could clearly smell her non-fear.

He had tried his best at making her scream in frustration, plead him to go slower, but no, not a word had escaped her old, shabby lips since the crazy ride had begun, and he couldn't say that she was speechless out of her fear.

She was clearly showing off her total apathy.

Logan just mumbled an intelligible something under his breath and kept going, trying to hit maximum speed.

Her cheeks were staying behind because of the exaggeration of speed taking her over, her face was deforming due to the speed, but she said nothing. She was clearly not happy too, or else she would have showed a sign of encouragement to go faster, but she still showed apathy.

As soon as they reached the mall, Elisa descended off the motorbike and gave a killer look to Logan.

"What were you thinking, young man?-"

Oh no...

"-were you trying to kill us?-are speed limits in this wretched country of yours at spacecraft levels?-you want to make your wife a widow AND an orphan at such a tender age?-you are definitely too immature for a man at your age-I wonder what my daughter found in you-she would have been comforted by now, but you had to go and seduce her with your manly charms and deny her all the riches and happiness she would have enjoyed by now-you're a good male-slut, that's for sure-"

Damnation...that would take quite a long...

"-I know five different men that would have behaved to her like a queen on her throne-but nooo-you had to drag her in a little border school of yours-her only residence a small room-not even having a house of her own to start a family-But just you wait and I'll show you, young man-you don't know what Elisa Maledetto means yet!-"

Oh yes, he did. It meant 65 years of painful grumbling.

By the end of that "little" lecture, Logan knew that if he survived this, he would be able to teach master classes at anger management-he would have become a master by practical experience by then. His face wasn't even reddening in anger, as he stood there, taking the whole speech like a man.



LATER...MUCH LATER!

Having just returned from the vicious little "stroll" over the town's mall, Logan felt the urgent need to rest.

He had spent almost the entire day over at the mall with his mother-in-law, following her around while she had what must have been the greatest shopping spree in history. Now, most men, and especially gruff men like Wolverine hate to go out shopping with anyone, even the love of their life.

Taking the fact that he didn't go shopping with the love of his life, but with the aforementioned love's MOTHER, you can imagine how hard it was. Take the pain of swimming in a pool of acid, having a company of fifty acid-proof piranhas and multiply it by ten.

You're still not even slightly close to the pain that poor Logan had to go through.

A normal person would have expected that Elisa would have waited to finish her little 'lecture' before beginning to shop around, but no, she actually kept grumbling WHILE shopping around. Even as she chose out some lovely curtains for her room, Logan would listen to her preaching about 'precautions' on making love and the importance of chastity before marriage, trying to fish out any clues about their life before getting married.

During her consuming rampage in the clothing section, he would learn about the immorality of being unfaithful to your wife and the many different levels that hell consisted of, according to the Catholics, and what kind of torturing was going on in the infidel's section.

While checking out the veggies' freshness, she would rumble on about the rules of decent clothing, and of course the importance of eating vegetables every day, along with the necessity of restricting the consumption of meat (stakes, she actually said) and diminishing the alcohol drinking. Logan had either had to admit that she was *good* or, swear to himself to find the little brat who turned him in and make him pay.

Logan thought of going straight back to the mansion and knocking Gina up, so that very soon, Elisa would have a little baby for her to torture and leave everyone else alone. Like the way that the Mayas sacrificed babies for the good living of the rest of the people. But he rejected the idea, since a supposed pregnancy of Gina's would ensure Elisa's staying for at least 9 months more than planned.

His enhanced instincts granted Logan with the information that the grumbling would also go on during their return to the mansion, so he eagerly called Bobby to come and pick them up with the largest car available, since his motorcycle couldn't possibly afford space for all the stuff she was going to buy, and buying a trailer to carry the stuff and be pulled by the Harley was totally out of the question.

Bobby fell for the trap and got stuck with carrying all the stuff in the car, while Logan left for the mansion on the motorcycle ("someone had to get it back home", he had said before excusing himself) and poor Bobby also got stuck with someone else's mother-in- law, thus taking the toll meant for someone else.

Logan had returned a lot before Bobby and Elisa, so he took the chance to pass up on the couch and get some rest. You see, no matter how good someone's healing factor is, it can't possibly do anything against the hurt caused by constant, malevolent grumbling and preaching.

So Wolverine just allowed himself to be drifted into Morpheus' caring, ethereal arms.

****************

Logan woke up, finding himself surrounded with darkness. The darkness apparently meant that he had been left alone until the sunset. Looking outside the window, he saw the sky having that purple colour it took during the very late hours.

The immediate thought that crossed his mind was to get to his bedroom upstairs, snuggle with his wife and resume sleeping.

He stealthily got himself upstairs and silently opened the door to his bedroom, using the special manoeuvre it needed in order not to squeak. This way, Gina wouldn't wake up.

But apparently, his wife was already awake.

Someone else was with her too, sharing his awakeness with her.

And as he saw Gina and Gambit snuggling and not sleeping under the sheets of his own bed, Logan now felt more awake than ever.

Gambit was swift enough to jump out of the window as soon as Logan had landed himself on his bed, being in a feral stance, ready to attack.

Gina looked through his eyes in grieving guilt.

The first thought coming into his mind was not to slash his wife's eyes out because for being unfaithful.

The thought that actually crossed his mind first was: "Freedom!"

Sleekly and surprisingly calm for such a situation, Logan started talking to his soon-to-be-his-ex-wife.

"Gina, oh Gina... Do you remember the only oath you gave me the day we got married?"

"Never...never to cheat on you."

"You had promised you would always be true to me and to yourself. You would always remain faithful to your husband."

"Yes."

"Now, do you remember the promise I gave you the other day..."

"What promise?"

"...the day before your *mother* arrived?"

"Never to hurt her...Oh, my God, Logan, don't-"

"Never to upset her. You have broken your promise; I get to break one of mine too. You became true to yourself tonight, by admitting your need for more man-flesh than available..."

He made a small gesture indicating himself, then kept on.

"...now I can satiate my need for...Elisa-flesh!"

"Logan! No!"

"Outta my face" he said, shoving her into the mattress, just enough to make her lose ground in the hunt for "mommy" flesh.

He was out of the bedroom within a glimpse. Somehow, he knew where to find her, and that entire cheater situation had given him the right to give himself the greatest pleasure of showing to your mother-in-law who should have the upper hand.

He ran to the kitchen, finding Elisa in her black nightgown, having just finished praying.

"Here you are." he told her with a predatory half-smirk.

"Still awake I see?" was her always ironic comment, one which wouldn't feel as ironic without the raised eyebrow.

"Are you afraid of mutants?" good old Logan, always straight to the point.

"No. I just despise them." she answered with her slightly raised face, in order to look prouder for what she just said.

"But you despise *me* too."

"Yeah, but not because of your genetic material, just because of who you are." she still wouldn't shit her pants while coming face to face with him.

"Now you can despise me for one more reason, darling'" he said, preparing for the long-awaited

*snickt!*

His claws stood just inches from her ugly face. She stared in shock.

"You...you..."

"I'm a mutant. Just like your daughter. Just like everyone else in this building. It seems that this time the old, bigoted, mutant hating bitch stepped into a nest full of mutiesssss..." his voice suddenly went Gollum.

"No-No, it can't be-" she then interrupted herself by letting a piercing scream go and bolting outside the kitchen and eventually the mansion, still in her nightwear.

Logan just stood at the main door and laughed his heart out, whishing for her to find a storm on her way and the road filled with mud puddles. Or he could get Ororo to do it for him.

*****************

But the sweet taste of victory was suddenly swept off Logan's lips as a piercing, grumpy voice...wake him up. He could also hear Bobby moaning in mental pain.

"Get up, you miserable excuse for a son-in-law! This sorry bastard you brought me as a chauffer is incapable of carrying a few groceries!"

Logan got up, dazzled from his brief sleep and looked around with blurry eyes. the sunset hadn't come yet.

Hastily checking out his watch, he found out he had only been sleeping for half an hour.

Bobby and Elisa had apparently just got home with the car after the three of them separating and leaving in different means of transport.

The whole weird thing that had just happened was... a dream. Oh, how cliche! He was pissed off right now! He had actually hoped it would be true. But Gina was on the other sofa, reading some Italian gossip magazines that she had ordered from her mother and seemed totally oblivious to Logan's dishonouring dreams. Rogue could be heard preparing the kitchen for pizza-baking with Jean and Gambit was charmingly offering himself to carry the stuff that his mother-in- law had brought with her.

He felt strangely sad for losing the feeling he had at the end of the dream... a sweet feeling of closure. He liked that feeling although he had to sacrifice his trust on his sweet wife...in his dream at least. But that dream made him realise how he really felt. Although he had to try not to hurt Gina and/or make her angry on him, he had to find a way to get Elisa out of there. He needed to make true the feeling of closure he had caught a glimpse of during sleeping.

"Get your lazy ass off that couch! Come and help us out, the pizza has to be ready by eleven!" his 'mom' was ruder now, almost sensing the intimate loving feelings that Logan shared for her as well.

As soon as Logan got off the couch, a sleepy Bobby spread himself on it, putting his thumb in his mouth and soon drifting to sleep.

"Why being around...that...woman...makes me feel...so tired?" were his last words before sweet, puffy dreams enveloped him.




A BIT LATER

The moonlight would be gracing the insides of the mansion with its faint, romantic light, of it wasn't for the already turned on lights in there.

The night had finally come, but it seemed to be on its very beginning yet. Logan's mother-in-law had prepared everyone for a night-time feast with Italian goodies and the tender smells coming out of the kitchen were the best available proof for that.

Rogue was the one responsible for the homemade pizza, and she seemed to pose a damn good job up to the time. She was pretty proud of herself too. She also had an apron around her waist, willing to show off how much of a prominent cook and household she was going to be.

In the meanwhile, Jean was getting the spaghetti boiled in order to make an authentic, traditional pasta recipe come true. Herself, she already had some experience with cooking so she didn't need anyone to order her around.

Elisa wasn't in the kitchen at the time. She had gone upstairs, freed Cornutino from his cage and taken him for a walk at the garden. Gambit had gone with her as well, in order to control the mentally unstable cat with more ease. Like a leash wouldn't have been enough.

At that time, the phone rang.

Thus, Rogue found a great opportunity to abandon the cooking for a bit, so she hastily walked towards it and answered with a sweet voice:

"Helloooo?"

"Hello Marie..." a spooky electronically-altered voice came from the other side of the line...

"Who's there?" she asked, her voice staggering between irritation and worry...

"Guessssssss..."

"Who IS it?" she said, this time only irritation colouring the sounds coming through her mouth.

"What's your favourite porn movie?"

"Ehmm... Ah don't watch that kind of stuff. Who are you anyway?"

"Someone who KNOWS." whoever it was, he was now trying to sound more eerie.

"What...what...? What do ya WANT from me?" the mysterious man on the phone seemed to have managed to break her defences...

However Rogue hadn't lost her control as she seemed to have...Secretly, she had called out for Jean to link her telepathically with Logan.

[Logan, would ya do me a favour...? Could ya track Bobby an' tell me where he is...?]

[Wasn't he supposed to be sleeping?]

[Yeah, but probably not anymore...call it a hunch. Now would ya?]

[Sure. Gimme one minute.]

"I want you to confess to Logan how you sneak away every single one of the tapes of his porn stash and watch them in your own luxury. Sneaky pervert."

"When Ah find, you, Ah'll kill you with mah own-ungloved-hands, be sure of that!"

"Wrong answer. Now 'she' gets it."

"Hey, wait! Who is 'she-" Rogue's question was interrupted by the sound of something getting ripped. Probably the magnetic tape of a video. Oh no!

"Let's see how you will now explain this to Logan when he finds his favourite film 'Madripoor nymphos' in this condition."

Holy shit! that was Rogue's favourite film too! it featured some splendid Asian studs with...oh, well, not the right time for such description. Thankfully, at that moment Logan came back and slipped her a piece of paper with the words 'in your room's closet' written on it.

"Here, talk to Logan and explain to him yourself...mystery man." she said to the speaker, then handed it to Logan and bolted upstairs with a vengeance.

"Hello...?" Logan said inquiringly to the man on the other side of the line.

"Hello Logan... where is our little perverted white-streaked girl?"

"Oh, never mind about that...soon, other stuff will be on your mind..."

"What do you mean?" the altered voice now sounded concerned.

Then a noise of intense footsteps started making itself clear from the background of the mysterious voice's side of the line.

Logan only had to add his bottom line to the desperate sounding man on the phone :

"OOOOOH Your gonna ge---t it!"

An "Uh-Oh!" was heard through the line and then a closet door swinging open, and the voice of a frustrated Rogue yelling: "DRAKE!!!"

Logan was happy that he only had acoustic connection to the whole scene, because actually watching what happened would give him nightmares worse than the Weapon X-related ones.

He hung up the phone a lot before Bobby's screams were finished.



MINUTES LATER

Rogue came down the stairs, feeling A LOT better, almost refreshed.

After all, kicking ass was always refreshing. The fact that it had been a duct tape that had been ripped and not 'Madripoor Nymphos' also helped a bit.

She walked past the rec room, where Logan and Gina were lounging on the couch and making out, probably taking advantage of the fact that Elisa was absent for a bit, walking the cat outside. Gambit's presence with her would also slow her down a bit too. Jean was there too, having fun with some Italian magazines that she obviously couldn't read, but seemed entertaining nonetheless.

As she reached the kitchen, the entire good mood she had achieved from beating Bobby had gone for a walk. She could smell something intense...and obviously burnt.

"Fuck! The pizza!"

No matter how much she yelled, the poor pizza couldn't be useful to anyone anymore...unless someone needed a big piece of coal, that is.

"Nooo! Elisa will kill me!"

As Logan and Jean barged in, ready for a fight, Rogue was already close to tears. She had been given enough lecturing while preparing the pizza, and if Elisa found out what happened to it, she was going to lecture her to death!

She cocked her head in desperation to them, silently pleading for help...

"I'm gonna kick Bobby's ass for disorienting you from your primary goal; making the pizza!" Logan's gruff voice showed that he meant the threat.

"His ass is too sore right now; more kicking won't him do any good." Rogue said, gesturing like she was getting some dust off her hands.

"But there must be something that we can do", Jean said in her all-the-more-concerned tone.

"I think I might have an idea..." Logan exclaimed, willing to rescue Rogue from agonising death in Elisa's hands...or verbal chords, to be more accurate. "Jean can do it..."

"What can *I* do? There are no more ingredients to make another pizza, and we have no time for that anyway!"

"Use your powers... can't you brainwash the closest pizza-delivery guy to bring to *us* his goodies instead?"

"Excellent idea! Let me see..." Jean said, putting both of her palms at each side of her head...

********************

Dane was very happy with his life. Out of any responsibility's reach, carefree and with a girlfriend, there was nothing more that he could need in his young life.

His job as a pizza-delivery guy in a place called "Frankie's" was keeping him content too. Not the best salary, but he enjoyed racing against time every time he had to deliver his priceless package to a client...

Like he was doing now.

He could feel the air stroking his hair as he followed the usual journey to Helena's place. The woman had 5 always hungry children who usually preferred Frankie's pizza to the shish-kebab or the Greek souvlaki from the places nearby.

He had gotten used to the road there and could go faster each time he had to deliver to them again.

But this time, as he kept going his usual way he suddenly remembered that Helena had changed residence. She now lived somewhere along Greymalkin Lane, in a really big house that could be a real home for all of her children.

"I'm such a doofus, for forgetting this", he said, slapping his forehead in the process.




VERY SOON...

"Here you go"

"Thanks"

Rogue smiled at the cute pizza guy as he handed her over the pizzas, obviously thinking she was some Helena gal who was a constant client.

"Maybe Ah should tell Jean to brainwash him into thinking Ah'm Monica Bellucci...then we could have some fun tonight!" Rogue thought impishly, but the reasonable side of her personality instantly rejected the idea. Having the pizza-guy here for 5 minutes was dangerous enough, so keeping him for the night could prove a catastrophe!

"Let me get the money" she told him as she got back into the kitchen, looking around for anybody's wallet. They couldn't brainwash him into believing he got paid too, now could they? But noooo, that was unethical, while stealing the food away from an innocent family was totally within their ethics.

As Rogue was still inside the kitchen, Logan and Jean were standing by the main door, eyeing the unsuspecting pizza guy who was currently brainwashed into believing they were 2 of Helena's kids.

"How you doin' Ronnie?" the pizza guy said, playfully stroking Logan's hair. Logan barely managed not to burst into laughs, but Jean couldn't.

She started laughing, pointing at Dane (the guy's name), and eventually exclaimed within chuckles: "You're funny, mister"

The guy just chuckled as well, probably finding her adorable or something, but then he was bewildered by the "kids" looks of horrification on their chubby faces. The kids were looking at something approaching behind him, and they had gone pale by the time he cocked his head toward where they were looking too.

He saw a tall man in a brown trench coat with his red eyes glistening in the dark. But it wasn't the man's eyes that creeped him out, after all he was used to the mutant sightings in this area. The really scary deal was the short old woman beside him in the one piece back outfit. She looked malevolent and purely evil, without having red eyes.

The woman had a cat in her arms that seemed to be sleeping. But as soon as they got a bit closer, the cat suddenly cocked her head up and looked at him through piercing catlike eyes.

Was the cat evil too?

The evil thing jumped off the old woman's arms, bolting toward him. Dane looked again behind him, where the kids were supposed to be, and saw them looking totally terrified.

He cocked his head where the cat was supposed to be coming again, but the damned thing had pounced on the backside of his neck by then.

Between his own screams of pain and (mostly) surprise, he could hear the evil woman's voice:

"A-HA! Cornutino found himself a nasty nasty mutant! Go boy! get him!"

"But, mom..." the male one of the two kiddies tried to console her.

"No! You saw how he saw through his pretences! My baby tracked him down himself! I told you he can locate their evil hides!"

"But, the man is not a..."

"KILL HIM!!! KILL THE NASTY MUTANT!!!" the old hag assisted her pet by pulling an umbrella out of her bag and hitting poor Dane with it multiple times.

Dane ran for the exit, with a cat on his upper backside and his entire life passing in front of his eyes like a film. The heavy footsteps of the old hag could be heard right behind him, the occasional strike with the umbrella coming on him every few seconds.

****************

"We kicked the mutie's ass good. Well done my baby." Elisa stroked Cornutino as he rested in her arms again, his peaceful face never implying what a bloodthirsty monster he had been a few seconds ago. The evil mutant had retreated to his motorbike outside and ran off in haste. The Italian hag and her bloodthirsty pet returned from where they had chased him to with the smile of a winner on their faces (actually, it was just Elisa, cats can't smile)

Jean and Logan just looked each other and shrugged.

"What was that filthy mutant doing here, talking the two of you?" She shot inquisitively at Jean and Logan.

They both looked at each other again, no shrugging this time, and then Jean spoke for the two of them:

"Thank God you came Mrs.Maledetto, this freak had tricked us into thinking he was a salesman, but God knows what he intended to really do with us…you saved us!"

"Oh dear Jeannie, how many times do I have to tell you that calling Lord's name in vain is one of the greatest sins?- it's no wonder that you were going to kill yourselves with such an immature behaviour-I am going to pray for your poor souls tonight, dears, because I can't imagine you surviving in this cruel world with the imbecile husband that you got yourself-no need to mention Logan who is, well, Logan-I wish you reconsidered your choice of staying married to Scott, dear, and came with me to Italy.-I'm sure we could find you a decent husband there..."

Oh, well. Until the discussion topic wasn't on the presence of the "mutant" by now.

Rogue finally came at the porch with somebody's wallet, very willing to pay, but she found no pizza guy. Just Logan's mother-in-law, who was lecturing Logan's and Jean's ass off, and Gambit, who was looking at her hands in frustration.

"Hey! What are y' doin' wit' Remy's wallet?"



THE NEXT MORNING

Gina gracefully carried her body around the corridors of the mansion. The last night had been a great success, considering everybody's unease when around her mother. Okay, she wasn't the easiest person to cope with, and her only daughter living in a border school with no immediate plans for the rest of her life had pissed her off majorly, making her a constant pain in the ass.

Her marriage to Logan was another tricky point in her relationship with her mom. She hated the fact that Gina wasn't coming back to her homeland to stay and marry some local guy that SHE would point out, so she never came to the wedding.

You can never blame a mother that wants the best for her child however. Especially her mother, who had been the only person in her life until her twenties. She just couldn't realise that she couldn't define her daughter's life anymore. And she took that out to the other poor residents of the mansion.

However the dinner they shared last night...well, it reminded Gina of the dinners they shared with extended family every week or so. Full of chatter, little adorable irritations...but her mother didn't participate in anything irritating last night. For the first time since her arrival, she seemed to blend in and go with the flow. She even caught her smiling once or twice. What could provoke such a change in her behaviour?

Everyone ate and complimented Elisa for her delicious cooking, but she insisted that all the credit should go to Jean and Rogue, for getting the whole job done, while she only had pointed one or two things out.

Hank had eaten a normal meal for the first time since the meal after her wedding, and seemed very content. Of course he was using his image inducer at the time, like Kurt did. None of them needed her mom to take them for a demon and set Cornutino after them.

Bobby seemed a bit bruised on the other side, but nobody commented on it. Rogue had said that the poor bastard had taken a fall of the stairs, but she had a weird gleam in her eye while saying that.

Everyone had eaten and then been shooed to their beds by Elisa. She said that they should get to bed soon, since it was Monday tomorrow and they had classes to attend or teach early in the morning. She said goodnight to everyone paying special attention to Logan. She looked like she had now understood why she married him and shot a mischievous look to both her and Logan. Then she went to her room, obviously in the verge of sleeping.

Now a new day had come, and things seemed to march on to a better level by now. Having her break between classes, Gina thought of paying a visit to her mother and see what she had been doing since she woke up, token that Elisa always got up very early in the morning.

Knocking on the door to Elisa's bedroom (she would be given one hell of a speech if she just barged in like this), Gina slowly opened it and walked in.

Nobody greeted her.

Nobody gave her a speech, even a little brief grumbling.

Mom wasn't there.

Her stuff was not there too. The bed was tidily made, and the old curtains put back into place. The room looked like a renewed hotel room, ready to accept new guests.

The only thing spoiling the 'hotel' image was a tiny piece of paper folded nicely and left on the bed, Gina's name written on it.

Gina hastily walked over to the bed and picked the piece of paper up, unfolded it and started reading.

Within minutes, as she kept reading, her eyes had grown in frustration and her fingers were wrinkling the paper viciously.



THE PREVIOUS NIGHT

"Cornutino! Don't wander far from Mommy!"

Elisa was concerned over her "child's" mental stability. Had he really lost his gift to track down muties? She couldn't hide the fear in her eyes, and Remy could see that.

He had volunteered to escort her outside, since Xavier's gardens were not the safest place in the world, considering that any kind of psychotic villain could be stalking the X-Men from there. And an old lady that was walking her cat was the easiest target for any kind of unethical villain.

Elisa couldn't help herself from checking out the younger man once in a while. He was one hot dish. When she was young herself, she was a bombshell wanted by any man in her village, but her devotion to her dead husband and Jesus never allowed her to start a new life. And now it was far too late. But this man seemed to stir something into her, since he somehow reminded her of her late Carlo. They had the same style of swift walking and charming ways. This man had even helped her out with the groceries when her son-in-law was resting his ass on a couch not even caring if a visitor came in and saw him like that. What kind of a school was that, if the teachers had such manners?

It was dark out there, but the moonlight was granting them a great and romantic lighting that night.

Gambit had to admit to himself that he was attracted to the old lady's strict manners and solid ethics as well. If she were 15 years younger, he would have gone for it. But wait... since when was a woman off limits for the great Gambit? That made him begin to reconsider a bit.

Now Elisa had lost her cat and looked around for it under some bushes, bending her gracious (!) body in very arousing ways. Gambit came next to her and bent over as well ,looking within the bush's branches for two bright catlike eyes that shone in the dark.

Finding them, he reached swiftly and grabbed Cornutino before he could prove a worthwhile resistance. The cat was surprised, but too shocked to resist at all.

Holding the cat in his arms, Remy started handing it over to its rightful owner. As Elisa reached for it too, their eyes met and they felt electric sparkles tingle through their veins. Both of them.

Still sharing the cat in their hands, they both reached for each other and kissed passionately.

Or at least that's what they thought they were doing, because poor Cornutino, still in their hands, couldn't stand the sight and fainted in disgust as soon as he saw them hungrily sucking each other's face.



BACK TO THE NEXT DAY

Gina read her mother's goodbye note once more as Logan had arrived by her side to see what all the wailing was for.

«Dear Gina,

For the first time since you left home I feel really happy and completed! If you are reading this, then it means that Remy and me have left forever. If we're still here, then shame on you for sneaking off classes to visit your old mother!-I should have known better when...oh, sorry for drifting like that for a second, Remy says we should hurry.

Now that I'm again in love, I can finally understand why could you renounce your possible life in Italy and stay here with no obvious future ahead, having a useless but good-looking male for a mate. I can now feel the same thing for Remy here. Cupid is blind and since God doesn't try to restrict him a little, then He shouldn't expect from us to renounce our lovers!

I know you will be happy living here. The other people here need a lot of nurturing in order to become decent people, but I guess you can handle them.

As for our home back in Sicily and the 13 acres of land I inherited from my brother-in-law, I will put your cousin Tony as an heir, since you obviously haven't got any need for them. You're beyond materialistic riches now and you already got yourself a husband, while poor Tony still hadn't had a chance with women and this land might make him more desirable to some lass back home.

Don't come looking for me and Remy. We're going on a trip to L.A. and Hollywood and then we're going on a cruise crossing the Pacific. Afterwards we're thinking of using my savings from all these years and buy ourselves a little home in some tropical island, don't know which yet.

Always remember that I love you darling.

Tanti Baci,

Your Mom.

P.S: I'm leaving Cornutino with you. He's now somewhere in the garden, slacking off.

P.S. 2: And beware of those damned muties!!! "


Gina stopped reading as soon as a scream came from the gardens. It seemed that Bobby had found Cornutino.

Gina started crying into Logan's shoulder as soon as he reached to hug her.

"Why would my mom do that to me?..."

"Shhh, shhh, baby...I guess she's happier now." he said, trying to comfort her. However he started grinning above her unsuspecting head. The truth was that he was insanely happy for getting rid of the crazy bitch.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW!?!" Gina shot at him." She's left with that sleazebag friend of yours, who's gonna use her and then throw her away! I'm sure that he doesn't even love her!"

"But, honey-" he freezed in shock because he saw his wife having a familiar Gollum look.

"Don't' you 'honey' ME!-that freaking bastard blew her mind away!- he's gonna flood her with fake promises and then leave her for a pretty Filipino girl!-Like I don't know him already!-and you, yes *you* don't tell me you hadn't any idea about what was going on- c'mon, you can read *pheromones* dammit!-and the stupid woman is giving my old home to that shithead Tony, who can't even get a permanent job!-he's gonna sell my house. *my* house and spend the money on Blackjack!-that bastard!-I should have known better!-just wait and you'll see, mister, what "Gina Maledetto" means!-I'm gonna get them and then force gumbo out of the X-Jet!-or leave him stranded in Antarctica and then..."

By that time of her grumbling, Gina had abandoned Logan's arms and was making circles around the room, planning her vengeance on everybody.

Logan sighed and rested himself against a wall. This grumbling was making him very very tired again. He put his head between his hands and tried not to sob.

Gambit and his Sugar Mommy had left. Now Logan was rid of his mother-in-law, but he couldn't feel that much-desired closure he had been seeking.

He knew why.

The abrupt departure of Elisa had clicked Gina into changing.

The woman he was married to was changing into something else, something horrid, and something he would have to spend the rest of his life with.

What the people always said was right. Eventually, *every* woman changes, and turns into her mother. Men would suffer the fate of being married to their 'mother-in-laws'.

As the grumbling kept going, something that Logan knew that would mark his everyday life from now on, he started bumping his head onto the wall.

But nothing happened because his thick skull was made of adamantium.

Gina just kept grumbling, exactly like her mother always did.



~THE END~


Bottom Line: When it comes to grumbling, there is NEVER closure.

Phfeww! That's all! Now send me feedback or else I'll set Elisa to get you and grumble until you get an aneurism! Lol!

SOME TRANSLATIONS :(You didn't think the names were just names, did you?)

Maledetto: accursed
Cornutino: Little horny
Tanti baci: many kisses

Oh, and just in case you were wondering...I'm not Italian. I'm Greek though. :-)

If this fic seemed tiring to you, then it's just a side-effect from Elisa's grumbling, Not my fault. :-)