Title: Love Is In The Air

Author: Mitsaso

E-Mail: Mitsaso@in.gr, Mitsaso_X@hotmail.com

Archive: Sure. Just inform me if you want to archive it someplace else, so that I can do silly happy dances around my room.

Disclaimer: The X-Men all belong to Marvel and Stan Lee. I'm really making no profit out of these fics I make... with the exception of the awesome feedback from all of you people, who are going to embark yourselves in this story of love, stupidity and REALLY insane situations...(no, I'm not sucking up to you, what make syou guys think of that?lol) As for the characters belonging to me; those are Michelle, Lola, Kate, Jack and last but not least...Evita. Too many original characters, you say? Nah, don't worry, most of them keep brief roles. The songs used in the story belong to whoever made them. I'm too bored to research for those right now.

Rating: PG-13. Just some language, but hey, nothing really indecent. Except for the cucumber. Also contains evil old ladies, like all my fics do.

Summary: Wolverine and Jubilee are supposed to protect Bobby...protect him from falling in love again. But how can that EVER be possible when they're all on a mutant Love Boat?

Warnings: Contains insane silliness. And unorthodox romance. The fic is placed in the Uncanny X-Men world, right after the Draco storyline. Or whenever after that cancelled wedding of Havoc and Polaris. The secondary mutation doesn't apply for Bobby in this fic. Like all the emotional pain he already suffered (and is GOING to suffer) wasn't enough already. Mini-game: Try to spot the movie or video-game references in this fic. Most of them are really easy. ;-)

[] indicates telepathic communication



Love Is In The Air
By Mitsaso

The great cruise boat named "S.S. Lamancha" was sailing peacefully in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, going through one more of its scheduled cruises.

Hot chicks with martini dries were lounging in the lounge bar (where else?). Broad shouldered guys in Speedos were showing off their tanned bodies right by the pool. Old ladies were playing Bingo in the especially designed for that purpose area.

The atmosphere in the Bingo room was intensely heavy, given the equally heavy thinking that the contestants had to go through. So, a relatively ongoing silence was dominating the whole room, as the old ladies were bending their heads over their cards.

But suddenly, all the peacefulness in the place was severely interrupted, as a young Asian-looking girl emerged through the mass of old people, cheerfully screaming: "Bingo! I WON! I WOOON!!!"

The old ladies shot her a mean, jealous look, probably questioning the business of a teenager in *their* game. How dared she win? Was she even old enough to play Bingo?

"What? The arcades were broken down..." she said apologetically.

She then excused herself as the crowd of mean old hags began raising their eyebrows in doubt. Then they all bolted after her.

****************************

Somewhere else, and more specifically at the very back of the boat, on the upper deck, Bobby L. Drake was standing on the highest place possible and was leaning his body against the steel gratings that were restraining him from falling over the ledge and splashing into the cold sea water below. He was looking for love again...

He hovered his head again over the edge and looked down at the white foam marking the sparkling blue water where the boat had made its path. Right below him, he could hear the boat's propel producing huge masses of froth and leaving them behind to become one with the sea again.

He had to admit to himself that the sight of the purest white froth mixed with deep ocean blue water was utterly romantic.

So he couldn't help himself and he started singing again.

"Love... exciting and new!
Come Aboard, We're expecting yououououou...

Love, life's sweetest reward,
Let it flooow, it floats back to yououououou...

The Looove Boat
soon will be making another run
The Looove Boat
promises something for everyone

Set a course for adventure,
Your mind on a new roooomaance-"

*WHACK!*

It was fortunate for the poor people around him that Wolverine finally reached him and slapped him on the head, putting an end to the acoustic torment of the innocent mutants that had paid to have a quiet and relaxing cruise on the same boat as the two of them.

"I can't believe that you actually knew all the lyrics to THIS one!" he told him while glancing looks to the unsuspecting people around, making sure that nobody had taken an interest on them until now.

Bobby looked up at Logan with a pouty, hurt look. "I just-"

"Shut up. We're not supposed to draw attention here! This is supposed to be a trip for people who need relaxation and peace... none of these two stands for you exercising your singing skills!" Logan's tone was a pretty quiet one itself, since the man really didn't want to draw attention form anyone else up there with them.

Bobby just shot him a mean look -the one that really naughty kids have after being scolded- and ignored him by turning his head towards the foam line on the sea again. Then he started whistling the tune to "Love Is in the Air".

Logan turned his head to face the other way and let an exasperating sigh. How had he brought himself into this?

*********************************

*The Token Flashback*

The rec room was once more buzzing with life, since an awful lot of the mansion's residents were in there, watching TV, and more specifically the multi-used videotape of "Titanic", Jubilee's favourite movie ever, whom the poor X-Men around had to endure once more while watching for the millionth time that flick and practically wasting away their only chance today on the prime-time zone, since they had just snatched the remote away from Bobby's hands, who had been watching cartoons and angsting all day now.

The events of the last weeks seemed to have taken their toll on the poor cryomorph's psychology. Lorna getting married to Alex was bad enough; and Bobby falling for Annie too could have been a real salvation to his mood and his neglected love-life. However, the wedding was cancelled, but that didn't result into Bobby feeling better. You see, Alex left Lorna at the altar for Annie's eyes. So that left no woman for poor Bobby, since Lorna was determined to keep fighting for Alex's love, though not so obviously anymore.

So Bobby was occupying the room with his moody presence and Logan, who was also present at the room, was very happy to leave it when he was summoned from Jean's telepathic call...in her bedroom.

Logan practically raced to the bedroom, but as he barged in it he regretfully realised that Jean had not summoned him for what *he* thought she had.

She better not, because Cyclops was there too, and Logan was never eager to share his booty with-

"Well, that was one quick response", Jean put an abrupt end tin his trail of thoughts, a rather serious expression pictured on her face. Scott had the same look as her too.

"Look, Jean, I'm not a telepath, so I don't know what you guys have in mind, but-"

"I need a big favour of you, Logan." she interrupted again. This was beginning to get tiring.

"Uh-okay... I guess. What do you want of me?" he said suspiciously, exchanging looks with Jean, then Scott. He finally glanced back at Jean.

"Bobby had been very upset lately. You know the whole thing with Lorna, Annie and Alex..." Jean suddenly stopped thinking as they both felt Scott behind them trying to suppress an incoming snicker.

Logan just nodded knowingly at what Jean had said earlier, as he waited for Scott to fill Jean in with whatever he wanted to through the mental link they shared. Logan could smell things alright, and he was perfectly aware of Bobby's felling towards his ex Lorna, plus his newfound interest in Annie, the human nurse of the Institute.

He could tell that Iceman had been a psychological mess these last few weeks, especially with both women-and Alex- being around in the mansion lately, making the pain of rejection worse with their constant presence.

Wolverine could also "smell" Jean-Paul's interest in Bobby lately, and he was pretty sure that was what One-Eye was reminding Jean right now.

"...Whatever, I don't think that counts." she said out loud, indicating that her silent conversation with hubby was over. "My point is, Bobby needs to get away for a while. Meet new people. Get over this whole whacky situation."

"And my role in this whole thing is...?" that question wasn't really necessary, since Logan could see where this was going.

"I want you to go with him. You see, I booked him in for a special cruise, beginning the next week. A boat cruises the whole Atlantic and though it's not really out n the open, the cruise is 'mutants-only'."

"You're sending me on a cruise? Gee, thank you darlin'."

"You're not going for entertainment purposes, Logan. Not exclusively, at least. I need you to look after Bobby and make sure of some thing while there. Help him out in getting himself a pretty girl for a brief "adventure". I mean, the trip is splendid by itself, so if he gets laid as well he's gonna come back as a whole new and fresh person."

"You do have a point there, Jeannie."

"But..."

There's a "but" in this?

"...we only need him to have a fling, an adventure. Make sure he doesn't fall head over heels *again*, Logan. Because, if we have to go through this entire My-baby-dumped-me situation *again*, I'm going to take this on *you*...Logan." her voice was growing on a menacing tone now. "We need him to straighten up his mind, relax, get over Lorna and Annie and stop being a possible threat for Scott's brother. we don't need him angsting over a third girl, too. Am I understood?"

Logan barely managed to prevent himself from saying "Yes ma'am!"

Instead he responded with a "I don't know if I can do this...» Sure, Logan was the best at what he does, especially when that included close combat, taking out government organizations, killing dozens of -bad-people in only one spree and winning in Circle of Death games. What was not included in his -best of all- list was being a nanny to lovesick cryomorphs, and even more restraining them from causing emotional havoc.

"If you can't do this alone, I have already gotten someone to help you out. Someone who knows better." Jean added, showing suspiciously great understanding. So she expected that Wolverine wouldn't be able to make it alone?

He should have been angry by now, for Jean being so low on expectations from him, but the cheerful voice coming from the freshly opened door made him think that this could be fun after all.

"Woooolvieeee!!! We're going on a CRUISE!!!"

*End of flashback*

************************

So here he was now, and it eventually wasn't even half the fun that he expected it to be. Here he was, trying to put some sense back into the lovesick Popsicle's head, and Jubilee had disappeared somewhere in the complex of shops and bars on the massive boat, probably having the time of her life.

She was supposed to help him out, since she knew Bobby better. But she was getting to have the entertaining cruise and he was stuck with the agonising one-to baby-sit Drake.

She had to pay. Logan could easily track her out by her scent in that whole mass of cruising mutants.

He shot another look at Drake. He was exactly the opposite of a babe-magnet right now, since his eyes were practically screaming: "I need to be looooved!» So there would probably be no problem on leaving him alone for a while, since he was impotent to attract chicks in his desperate condition.

Patting a seemingly tame and harmless Bobby on the head, Logan went off to track Jubilee's trail of scents.

As soon as Bobby had confirmed that he was left alone, his eyes gleamed insanely, and his lips moved aside to reveal a distorted, psychotic grin.

*********************

Logan slalomed though the people at the boat's commercial complex, following Jubilee's scent to wherever she was slacking off at the time. Mutants ao every colour, shape and weirdness were buzzing around like bees in a beehive, for once in their life indifferent to the effect their appearance had on the others around them.

A guy with silver hair and shiny purple eyes was flirting with a blushing waitress at the restaurant that Wolverine was passing by at the moment, while a huge Blob-like woman was complaining about her coffee at Starbucks. She wore a mini-skirt of colossal proportions and every time she wiggled her ass in irritation, the lives of the innocent clients behind her were put in high danger.

Logan however had to ignore both incidents (which would have been interesting to watch under other circumstances), because he "saw" Jubilee's scent-trail leading into a small bar.

"Got'cha!" he exclaimed triumphantly and stepped in, without mentioning the sign with the bar's name inscripted on it. It
wrote: "Rectum".

*********************

After several minutes of scanning the upper deck for hot babes, Bobby had finally located two exquisitely hot targets; two babes were standing by the gratings at another side of the ship, enjoying the fresh salty air that howled on them.

They looked totally different from each other; and that excluded the possibility of them being sisters. One was a Californian-like blonde chick with blue eyes and.breasts of epic proportions, while the other one had short black hair in a French coupe, honey-coloured eyes and petite-lean body, while everything on her practically screamed her French nationality.

Both the girls had shot some secretive glances toward Bobby's direction, but they didn't seem to bother sharing whispers with each other, something that should betray indifference from their side. Could they be telepaths, perhaps? Maybe they were mentally talking about him right now, arguing over which one would sleep with him.

That thought made Bobby approach them with determination and high self-esteem.

"How ya doing?" he shot at them seductively, instantaneously pointing his chin at them. Nah, too much of a cliche.

That could explain why the babes didn't seem to pay attention to him at all.

"Uhm...I'm Bobby, by the way", he announced, somewhat intimidated.

Now both girls were clearly looking at him, but still said nothing, pretending like they didn't comprehended what he had said. They both averted their eyes from him and looked anywhere else they could, obviously trying to avoid him.

"We do have a splendid weather today...perfect for...cruising" Bobby kept babbling. He was already humiliated, after all.

The girls just smiled at him innocently. And they remained silent.


"This is going to be hard..." he thought to himself in despair.

*********************

Wolverine sniffed his way and oriented himself into the newly found bar. He didn't need to keep sniffing however, since the striking yellow of Jubilee's leather coat was very distinctive in the ocean of black leather-clad men.

"Hey, wait a minute..."

Logan finally used his eyes instead of his nostrils to look around and finally acknowledge his whereabouts. He found himself into a big crowd of men.

The bar was full of mutant guys who stared at him with great interest, some of them salivating at the sight of his short but compact frame.

Logan hastily approached Jubilee and grabbed her arm.

"What are *you* doing in a gay bar, you sneaky critter..." he asked, somewhere between being bewildered and bemused.

"They...they wanted to kill me, Wolvie!" she said with terror in her voice.

"Who did>? Was it the guy with the moustache and black vinyl bra over there? Or was it the other one with the hot pink ponytail?" his claws were itching for a little exercise by now.

"No...Not these kind guys in here...it was the old ladies who lost to me at Bingo!" she finally exposed him to the horrid truth. "I just walked in here `cause I knew that the old hags would never set their foot in such a place! And the guys didn't mind a helpless teenage girl staying for a while in an 'all guys' bar..." she exchanged thankful looks with the horridly cross-dressed barman, who was currently cleaning some mint-coloured beer glasses.

"So, the guys have offered you a hide-out...how kind of them" Logan whispered in relief. "Are you ready to go to your cabin now?"

"No... Logan!" The old ladies might still be out there! Let's stay here at least until...say, nine o'clock? The witches should be asleep by then and I'll feel safe enough to get out of here."

"Oh, whatever..." Logan said. At least the girl was safe and sound. Same could go for Iceboy out there too. He could afford spending a few hours in there...he had been at scarier places anyway! "BARMAN!" he finally yelled at the guy behind the bar who had just adjusted his lime green skirt that matched perfectly with his fuchsia tank top. The barman raised his head above the bar's level and eyed him.

"Get me some beer... and some apple juice for the young lady here!" he completed his request, ignoring Jubilee's pouting.

**********************

After what must have been the lousiest attempt on flirting on a girl ever, Bobby accepted his total failure at coming on the two babes (who were still mysteriously speechless) and abandoned them, muttering a "Bye" for typical reasons only.

"Damned bitches", he thought to himself. "at least you could pretend you didn't see me at all instead of looking at me with those luscious eyes of yours and refusing to even talk!" He was really pissed off, and a chilly string of steam was coming out of his snorting nostrils. He always hated it when the prey pretended to be too busy to bother themselves with his company, and even more when they pretended they never saw him at all, but right now he would prefer being stomped by elephants to what happened today! Those bitchin' babes were just toying with him! They were totally aware of his presence and effort to meet them but t4

Disappointment flooding his brain, Bobby sat on a barstool by the upper deck's mini-bar, the one beside the pool. He ordered a drink and let himself be swallowed by the reverie building in his mind, the memories of every relationship or non-relationship he had destroyed until today.

"Hello, cutie! Why are you so sad?" a lively voice woke him up from his pain-inducing thoughts and made him look at the woman that had sat beside him.

Bobby couldn't help himself from gasping, much to the unknown woman's pleasure. His reaction brought a smile upon her lips.

She was the most beautiful creature he had ever set his eyes upon; for him at last. She had exactly what his ideal woman consisted of; luscious green hair, two strands of which were hanging on each side of her forehead.

She also had a pair of black, pearl-like eyes that were accented by her long eyelashes. She had a skull earring hanging from each of her biteable ears and she also wore some very big and baggy hip-hop pants that accented perfectly her skimpy tank top(mostly looking like a bra) that was clinging like a second skin on her upper torso.

The Perfect Woman across him spoke again, her voice echoing like a sweet nocturnal melody in his ears: "My name is Evita. Wanna share your thoughts?"

Right then, the barman behind the bar they had been sitting by somehow managed to miss the bottle that he was skilfully manoeuvring at the time, letting it fall on the already vodka-loaded glasses he had prepared earlier. All together, bottle and glasses crashed on the floor and smashed into many little shiny pieces.

"Sorry", he apologised at Bobby and his newfound treat for tonight and then started cleaning the mess up, all the time murmuring about bad luck and what an expert he really was at doing bartender tricks up to then.

************************

Not very far from the aforementioned mini-bar, the two babes that Bobby had been coming on earlier finally spoke to each other, but not via vocal means; they instead used the language of the mutes, which will be directly translated in English in the next few lines.

"Lola...why was that cute guy *talking* to us?" the French looking brunette "said" to the other woman.

"I think he was coming on us, Michelle. And, damn, was he a hottie! Too bad none of us could initiate a relationship with him, and we couldn't even explain at him why we wouldn't talk to him!", the blonde bimbo said.

"Yeah, I mean, he could actually talk, although I couldn't read his lips properly! He wasn't mute like he should be! Shame on him for coming on a 'mute-only' cruise like this one is supposed to be! He probably did it cause the 'mute-only' cruises are much cheaper due to our disabilities!" Michelle responded, and was so furious she almost broke her fingernail on the grating while "talking".

"It's a bit weird, though. We're two days on this cruising ship and still haven't encountered anybody unable to speak like we are! I mean, do these people realise they're diminishing our rights by taking a 'mute-only' cruise? Why embark on the ship if they're vocally functional? And I'm still freaked out at the green lizard-like freak that we saw at the reception! I mean, can't he tell a "mute" apart form a "mutie"? Duh!"

The two mute bimbos kept chatting manually, oblivious to what their incredible stupidity had brought them into.

****************************

The sun had set an hour ago and a luscious moonlight was already gracing the surface of the calm sea with a romantic silverness.

Logan and Jubilee were returning from the gay bar, staggering in their drunken stupor. Actually, his* drunken stupor, since Jubilee only compromised with that lame apple juice. But Logan had gone unusually drunk without really drinking that much.

"I think that the guys at the gay bar have had all the drinks spiked in order to get laid more easily.» she had resulted about Wolverine's condition.

The poor thing now had to support Logan on his feet and walk him back to his cabin, and Logan was a really heavy guy without even counting the extra weight of an adamantium skeleton. Jubilation Lee promised to herself never to play Bingo again as she already felt shrunken by 2 inches by the overwhelming weight she had o support. "And to think that I was supposed to baby-sit Bobby... not a fully-drunk adamantium fatass Wolverine..."

Then she stopped dead on her tracks at what she saw then, and she almost lost Logan off her arms too.

Bobby and an unknown woman were kissing passionately while leaning against the steel gratings of the upper deck, right beside the moonlighted sea and under a fully starred sky. Jubes felt obliged to go all "Awwww", when she remembered what hers and Logan's mission was about. Then she freaked out at the horrid sight, which could guarantee her agonising death in the hands of a furious Phoenix once the cruise was over.

"Logan...look!" She said at the feral drunkard, as she pointed the star-crossed lovers at him.

"Ow, I see the kid has finally found himself a one-night stand, and all by himself too, well, I'm impressed. Good for him!" he said, barely regaining consciousness for a while.

Jubilee thought that he was being conveniently articulate for a drunk man at the time, and she considered if he was playing drunk to make her carry him home and this was punish her for getting into trouble, but she instead pointed him her horrific realisation;

"No, Wolvie...You don't get it...Don't you see?" her voice was going more pitch by each minute, but she was still whispering so that Bobster and that little bitch wouldn't gear her."...This is NOT a one-night stand...look at the moon...the stars...the whole setting...this...this-this is a DISASTER!!!"

"You're going hysterical, Jubes..." a blurry-eyed Logan whispered, right before slumping on something and slipping out of her grasp. He fell on the floor and conveniently passed out, since he somehow had hit his head on a bench behind them.

At the same time, an oblivious, lost-in-The-Land-Of-Cupids-And-Candy-Hearts Bobby kissed his love goodnight and watched her as she disappeared behind a door leading to the passengers' cabins indoors.

Jubilee bolted herself at Iceman and shoved him bossily on the grating bars, giving him a straight order.

"Go after her NOW, follow her into her room and have kinky sex with her, TONIGHT!" she imitated her best Cyclops tone.

"No, Jubes, what are you talking about?" an astounded Bobby responded with surprise over her sudden appearance, reaction, and nature of her order. "Evita's not some cheap fuck!" Then looking to the direction from where Evita left, he drifted back into his lovestruck daydreaming: "She's the woman I had spent my life looking for, the mate I was born to marry someday, the-"

"NO! You are NOT serious about this!" poor Jubilee was in clear denial.

"Did you know she was a nurse before quitting because her mutation manifested?" Robert L. Drake was lost for good. Evita's Bitch was born in his place.

"NO!" Too bad Logan wasn't awake to point out to Jubes that she was going hysterical again.

"I know, cause I haven't told you until now. And do you know how much she adores animals...?"

"NOOO!" Jubilee's voice had now reached the pitchness of a Gremlin's voice.

"Jubes, have you been drinking? I could swear I can smell alcohol in your breath..."

Could Logan's dog-breath possibly reach so far? Must be his newest mutant ability.

That way Jubilee was reminded of Logan's place in the whole story. By the morning he would come to his senses and would kick Popsicle's ass until he renounced all women from his life. So she just bid Bobby goodnight and took Wolvie to his cabin, waiting for the next morning with a devilish gleam in her eyes. That was until she drifted to sleep as well, at least.

Her Wolvie would arrive the next morning like a dragon in shining armour and split up the Good Knight from the vicious Damsel in Distress.

*********************

Logan woke up in agony from the nightmare that tormented him, his claws instantly extracting themselves from the knuckle area. He had that hideous dream again. In it, Osama Bin Laden was dressed in a mermaid costume, full with shells as a bra and all that, and he was blowing kisses to him while sitting on the top of an iceberg.

Logan felt a presence in the room and instantly went for the stab, but the reminder of how much of a cliche that action would be prevented him from stabbing poor, sleeping Jubilee in the gut.

The girl had apparently slept over the covers next to him last night.

He would wake her up to find out what exactly happened, but not before getting up, visiting the bathroom, freshing himself up and putting some hair gel on his big hairy "ears" to keep them in their usual shape and pointy as ever. He then proceeded to put on some aftershave (though he didn't shave) as cologne, one of a rather earthly odour... The specific aftershave was his "special little secret", his way of looking and smelling like an animalistic babe-magnet without actually having to be as icky as a feral guy like him should be.

He then tucked himself under the covers again, in order to pretend that he always looked (and smelt) fresh like that every time he awakened. Finally, he poked Jubilee and pretended to sleepily rub his eyes as he asked her:

"What are ya doin' here, kid? Got yourself locked out of your room or somethin'?"

"Uh? Mo-Mommy? The bad fish is going after me...I don't wanna go to work...not even if you force me, just let me sleep here in peace, k? I'm calling sick as soon as I wake up when I feel like it...HEY!!! My Mommy ain't so hairy...!" She rubbed her eyes in respect, washing the blurriness away "...Wolvie?"

"Being having nightmares, kid?" Logan asked in amusement.

"Yeah...it...it...was horrible! My mom wanted to force me to go to my job, but I didn't like it cause I was an orca instructor, and it wasn't really my mommy, but an Arabian looking guy in a mermaid costume and he was sitting on a piece of ice, and-"

"Oh no, stop that already! I wanna hear no more!" Logan interrupted a startled Jubilee from her rumbling, wincing at the idea of the whole concept. "What were you doing in my room in the first place?"

"You got drunk like a dizzy deer last night, so I brought you here and fell asleep right after-but that's NOT the important part, cause you won't believe what I saw last night while walking you back here..."

"Let me guess... DID YOU SEE NICOLE KIDMAN?!?!" he said in one over-enthusiastic mouthful.

"...Noooope." she responded, giving him an odd look. «Why should I?"

"Poop. Nothing. Just can't give up my hopes..." he sure was into redheads. Earlier experiences had proven it.

"Back to our topic. You still wanna guess what I saw last night?"

"...WAS IT GILLIAN ANDERSON? DID YOU SEE GILLIAN ANDERSON UP CLOSE?" he yelled in a huge expecting grin, grabbing Jubilee by the shoulders and shaking her violently. Yes, he was a slut for redheads.

"Hey, let go!" she shouted in despair and as he released her, she added: "No. I saw Roseanne Barre in lingerie."

"Ewwwwwww!!!"

"Just kidding! I saw no celeb last night. It was something bad, actually. I saw Bobby with a WOMAN! Can you believe it?"

Logan just stood stupefied.

"Is that all? You know kid, no matter how much everyone insists so, Drake isn't really gay...so seeing him with a lady is perfectly natural and should be no surprise to you..."

He suddenly stopped babbling, as he gasped and his eye bulbs almost poked out from their sockets in realisation...and terror.

"OH HELL! NO!" He had finally understood what Jubilee had wanted to point out to him from the very beginning of this conversation.

"Hell yeah. That bitch *is* the bride from Hell, after all." Jubilee had to add sarcastically.

"Is it...serious? You know, is he in love with her?"

"The Hell he is. You have to see the woman to actually understand. He thinks she's the love of his life...no one-night stands and such shit. They're acting like Romeo and Fucking Juliet. And from the looks of it, she's the worst kind of woman to ever bump into!"

"What's so wrong with that woman? Maybe it's just a little harmless crush...he might be over her in a flash."

"No, he won't. I told you have to look at her to believe it. Ice Cube told me that she had been a nurse. Like-"

"Like Annie? Shit!"

"That's the least of our troubles. The lady's got *green hair*, can you believe it? A full cruise boat of colourful mutants, and he had to pick the git with the GREEN HAIR!"

"...Uh-Oh..." the world famous expression had taken a whole new meaning with Logan's accompanying semi-growl.

"Exactly. Green hair like the ones that bitch Polaris has." she said in ever-growing panic. "And the worst of all...she's wearing skull earrings and huge pants!"

"Uh?" now Wolverine had lost her.

"Oh. I guess you don't know anything about the infamous Opal Tanaka. You really never heard of her?"

"Nah. Who's the gal?"

"Bobby's ex. The worst of all. Worse than Annie and Lorna combined. Worse than Storm when locked up in a chest."

"Oh..."

"Worse than the Blob in an unguarded kitchen."

"Shit. I see..."

"Worse than Colin Farrell when he hasn't got laid for a week."

"I SAID *I SEE*! I GET YOUR FRIGGIN' POINT! CAN YOU CUT THOSE EXAMPLES OUT PLEASE AND GET ON WITH THE STORY?!?"

"Uh...Okay..." Jubilee fought back the hurt from the unexpected yelling, since she knew that Logan was right. The situation was bad enough without her painful examples. "...So, she's really bad! And that Evita chick is those three ex-girlfriends combined and maybe even worse! We can't afford Bobby-boy weeping over another chick, much more SUCH a chick! You have to stop them!"

"You don't expect me to beat the boy out of his affection for the lady? That would only ensure him being hurt and would probably make him angstier than before, not to mention the grudge he would hold against me...the prank war he would unleash on me would last for years!"

"Awww Wolvie, that's so compassionate of you..."Jubilee said cooingly, probably in sarcasm. "...but yeah, that's what I expected you to do."

"You shouldn't. The whole point is to keep him safe from another emotional disaster. Getting the woman to break up with him would only make it worse."

"You got your point there. So we have to make *him* wanna break up with her. Can we make her fall in his eyes so that he will eventually dump her?" Jubilee, being a teenage girl, had an immense experience in mischievous plotting in breaking couples up, and that experience was now proving useful. She had grown up in a place full of hormone-crazed teens after all.

"That could be possible *and* appropriate. How can we do that without involving her cheating on Icicle?" Wolverine was always looking into every tiny detail, like only a truly inspired leader would.

"Getting to meet her and knowing her. This way we can use all of our knowledge of her against her and make her look like a total loser in his eyes!"

"You rock kid!" Logan responded eyes gleaming in enthusiasm, as they exchanged a a high-five.

Then they exited the cabin, rubbing their hands mischievously.

A brand new day, full of malevolent plotting, intrigue and couple-breaking was ahead of them, and they intended to make the best of it.

************************

LATER...

As Jubilee and Wolverine entered wearily the boat's main lounge, they were greeted by an over-enthusiastic Bobby who practically dragged them to the seats he had kept for them.

They also noticed a malicious-looking rabbit that was tied with a leash to the only empty chair around the small, round table (probably Evita's chair, who was absent at the time). The evil little creature snarled viciously to their direction and they both quickly turned their attention back to Bobby, who was on the verge of exploding from bliss. It was obvious that the poor bastard was in love.

"Do we get to meet the reason for all that enthusiasm?" Logan inquired with a half-smirk which could be interpreted in many ways; faux-sneaky for Bobby and truly mischievous for Jubilee-who knew much better than Bobster at the moment.

"Why, yes, of course you will...as soon as she finishes her performance up there. She's just about to begin" he responded with unnerving cheerfulness, pointing over at the stage near them which was equipped with a...Karaoke device!

"Uh-Oh!" Jubilee and Wolverine exclaimed in unison.

A pretty hot woman with green hair and the trademark taste in cloths of Opal Tanaka ascended on the stage and grabbed the mic.

A fairly recognisable beat of an equally recognisable 70's song started to become louder and louder by each second, dominating the whole lounge.

The other people hanging around got their attention on the scene, curious of what would their acoustical membranes would have to suffer this time.

Two women appeared behind Evita, seeming to be friends of her, and they confirmed their presence as backing vocals by beginning to sing a repeatable tune, obviously a bridge to the main vocal dish in front of them.

"--get-get-get-get down--
--get-get-get-get down--
--get-get-get-get-get get get -oooh! get get get -oooh!--"

As they kept their slightly irritating tune, Evita slowly brought the mic to her lips.

"...--get-get-get-get down--
--get-get-get-get down--
--get-get-get-get-get get get -oooh! get get get -oooh!--"

Then the green-haired enemy started to actually sing, while swinging her hips in synchrony with the 2 ladies who were backing behind her:

" oooh I love to love
But my baby just loves to dance
he wants to dance - he loves to dance - he's gotta dance

oooh I love to looove,
But my baby just loves to daaaance..."

She sang as she felt the rythm flowing inside her, while she pointed down to Bobby and blew a kiss to him.


"Ooooooh I love to loooove
But there's no time for our romaaaaaaance

-No no nooooooo-

I love to loooove,
But my baby just loves to daaaaaance

The minute --the minute--
a band begins to swing it --swing it--
You're on your feet and with it --with it--
you dance the night awaaaaaaay
Stop --stop--
I'm spinning like a top --top--
We dance until we drop --drop-
but if I had my waaaay

I love to loooove
But my baby just loves to dance
he wants to dance - he loves to dance - he's gotta dance

oooh I love to looove,
But my baby just loves to daaaance...

Oooh I love to loooove
But will he give another chaaaaanceee

-never knooooooow-

I love to loooove,
But my baby just loves to daaaaaance


Stop --stop--
I'm spinning like a top --top--
We dance until we drop --drop-
but if I had my waaaay

At sundown instead of going downtown
We'd stay at home and get down to what I'm tryin' to saaaaaaaay

I love to loooove
but my babyyy just loves to daaaaance

-yeah yeaaaaah-

ooh!

--get-get-get-get down--

--get-get-get-get down--

--get-get-get-get-get get get -oooh! get get get -oooh!--

--get-get-get-get down--

--get-get-get-get down--

--get-get-get-get-get get get -oooh! get get get -oooh!--

I love to loooove
but my babyyy just loves to daaaaance...."

As she finished the singing, which hadn't been bad at all, Wolverine and Jubilee were somewhat impressed by her singing skills- but just because she had a decent voice it didn't mean that she wouldn't hurt their precious Bobby!

Evita waved goodbye at the girls who had been previously backing her as she got off the stage within a storm of exhilarating claps.

As Evita neared Bobby and his friends, Jubilee sprang up, grabbing her hand and shaking it like an earthquake of enthusiasm, her eyes almost poking out of their sockets.

"Wowww, cooool! You are veeeeery good! I would like to-"

"Calm down, kid, you're bothering the lady" Logan interrupted by poking Jubilee at the ribs, and successfully making her shut up. Thank god for his quick thinking, or else the girl would have done something stupid like asking Evita for an autograph or something.

"You were quite good, miss." he said politely, turning his head and attention towards Bobby's emotional threat, while he repressed whatever he was feeling at the time (worry, anger, awe?). "Well done for your performance."

The woman blushed, and her reddened face made a striking contrast to her green hair.

"Why, thank you. I'm Evita, by the way, in case Robbie here hasn't informed you yet." she said with a half-perky, half-arrogant grin."

"Uh-Robbie?" Both Logan and Jubes cocked their heads towards a blushing Bobby-oh, Robbie-oh....whatever!!

"Evita thinks that Bobby is too child-like for a young man... I haven't realised that until yesterday! We both agreed that Robbie is much more appropriate for a man of my age... a young Robert." Robbie said all those words like he was a damn videotape, one that Evita had winded up.

"Oh great, first day with the wench around and she already calls him childlike-very Lorna-like!" Jubilee thought to herself.

Then another thing crossed her mind; the wench had already changed Bobby's name in what was their second day together.

Women bother to change stuff on their boyfriends only when they really intend to go very far with them-like, marriage. Jubilee, being a woman, plus having some experience herself with guys or other couples, knew that little detail very well. So, she gasped in realisation, making herself unavailable for the rest of the conversation.

Logan, seeing Jubilee gasping for unknown reasons, and still being unable to comment properly Robbie's (...Bobby's...oh, well, Popsicle's) name change, decided to change the subject instead, before the sudden silence reached an embarrassing length. And what better subject could that be if not for the little critter tied to Evita's chair?

"So, who's the little fella down there?" he called to Evita and pointed at the white rabbit below her.

The rabbit shot him a evil look that actually meant something, but it can't be translated from the bunny-language because this fic will then have to get a NC-17 rating.

"Oooh, my Fluffy is a very special bunny. He's from a very rare Tibetan race, the Karate-bunnies."

"Why do they have such a ridiculous name?" Logan asked again, intrigued. He had started to act as planned toward Evita so that he could prove what a loser she was. In the meanwhile, Jubilee just glared in shock that added to the previous one.

"Hey, you won't believe what you're gonna hear-but it's all true!" the slavish man known as Robbie intervened to support the little witch.

"They actually know Karate! They function like a computer programme when it comes to beating someone up, and they never lose! If I tell my little Fluffy: 'Karate-Bunny" and the word or words that stand for whatever you want him to attack, he will attack it and never stop until the thing gets chopped in pieces"

"Oh yeah? Show me!" Logan said, rather bemused. This couldn't be possible. he thought. Jubilee just kept glaring, overwhelmed by the incoming shocks from the crazy stuff she's been hearing since she set foot in that damned lounge.

"Heh, you won't believe what you're gonna see now!" Supportive Robbie intervened again in enthusiasm.

"You asked for it. Let me prepare a little exhibition." Evita said with irritating confidence.

She got off her chair and set it a bit more far than the table and rest of the chairs. Her pet bunny snarled, pissed at having to to be pushed around for the stupid human's entertainment. But it couldn't do otherwise, for obedience was flowing in its species blood, passed up from its ancestors. It would obey to the orders given to it like its nature always forced it to.

"Now, watch." Evita announced to all of them, dragging some looks from the other tables too. "Karate-Bunny, chair!"

Fluffy attacked the chair he was tied to and chopped it in dozens of little pieces using his lethal paws.

The clients sitting at the near tables dragged themselves a bit more far from the chopped up pieces of wood in terror, the feet of their chairs scratching the floor.

The Karate-bunny cleared some dust off its paws and sat back in all fours again, waiting for more commands.

A furious waiter, still holding an empty platter in his hands approached Evita and snarled at her: What have your little monster done here, lady? You're gonna pay for that chair, or else I'm calling security and you're spending the rest of the trip in a little room with no light and-"

He stopped talking as he saw the indifferent look in Evita's eyes. She was considering whether she should paint her fingernails green next time, or keep that purple colour she liked too much. The waiter's eye bulbs grew even more in frustration.

"Are you even LISTENING to me, you stupid wench? Do I really have to drag-"

"Karate-Bunny, waiter." the green-haired disaster commanded with untold apathy, her eyes still fixed on her fingernails.

The bunny got up again and kicked the waiter's ass with ease.

The other clients dragged their chairs and tables even more far, leaving a small clearing around the table of Robbie and the others.

Logan was even more intrigued by now. "I wanna try too!" he announced with a childish grin. The bunny just looked at him with an evil look, almost saying "You wouldn't dare..."

"Karate-Bunny...table!"

The bunny lashed on their table and tried to chop it into pieces, but the table was not like those wooden chairs that accompanied it...it was made of solid steel, painted up to look like wood.

The bunny royally failed to respond to the commands, since the metal has too hard for it to even bend, so after a few minutes Fluffy withdrew his paws in pain, sitting back by the wooden chair pieces.

Logan was now officially unimpressed at the bunny's show-off and couldn't help comment on it with amused apathy.

"Yeah, yeah. Karate-bunny, my ass..."

Both Robbie and Jubilee glared at Logan in terror. Evita just had a "Now you've done it" look in her eyes.

"Wo-Wolvie...you co-commanded it to-"

"What?" he interrupted the girl, still unaware of the huge mistake he had done and the big danger that awaited him in lethal, nasty paws.

Nobody had the chance to speak no more, because the bunny lashed on Wolverine, for the first time pleased to follow the commands it was given (even those made by mistake).

*********************

He eyed them with careful awareness as they both made themselves comfortable on the small bar's stools. The salty air was picking up their delicious scent and bringing it to his fully functional nostrils.

And damn if Sabretooth's legendary nose couldn't distinguish the odour of two especially hot chicks, like those he prayed upon right now.

Bringing his hand to his hair, he made sure that no strand of his blondish wolf-like hair was poking out. Good, he wouldn't have to give them a cow-lick in front of everybody. Such a thing could always destroy even the easiest attempt on flirting.

He could see that the blonde one was throwing him a look once in a while. He should have expected that, he was so irresistible, after all. The chick's eyes were fixed on his hairy chest, clearly visible through the worn-out wife-beater he wore.

"I can't help it if I'm so manly" he thought to himself, and his lungs got full of air for a few seconds, his chest proudly inflated with air.

The other chick crossed her thin legs Basic Instinct-style, pretending that she didn't notice giving him better access to her thighs that way. Her lips were sensually fixed around the head of the orangeade bottle she was consuming at the time.

Letting the bottle go, a single drop of orange juice escaped her lips and trickled down her chin. As it dropped off her face, it splashed gloriously on her breast and got lost somewhere under the band of her skimpy top.

Then the blonde was the one to make the next move. She picked up the small piece of rubber that kept her hair in a ponytail, and soon golden strands of hair were swinging around her face in a slow-motion. Her pouting lips were visible through the hair flying around, so the blonde was totally taking the form of a wild animal.

It was highly obvious. The two chicks were competing over which one would take him as a prize and go upstairs to do the bouncy-bouncy.

Victor Creed liked the blonde one a bit more, but this vacation he had taken some time off to take was supposed to be for fun, not geeky relaxing.

"Then why not a threesome" he thought to himself and formed a predatory smile.

He approached the chicks with confidence and made sure that he had their attention, as his large shadow had hidden the sun from both of them now.

"No need to compete for me ladies...I think you can share me for tonight. If you don't mind of course." Then he pulled the trick with the trademark irresistible grin of the Creeds. The prey must have fallen.

Lola and Michelle both looked with a bewildered expression at the unknown man who had mistaken them for whores. Having read his lips, they were perfectly aware of what he said. Lola used her hands to pass up her message at the brunette beside her.

"What the hell? Did he say what I think that he said?"

"A rather bad way to come on to a woman. Especially when he's another one of those guys who came on a `mute-only' cruise without being mute at all!"

"And he's not even cute, like the other guy! Look at him! Hair all over! Must a be a damned mutie!" Lola answered back, flames coming out of her nostrils.

"I think we shouldn't ignore this one, dear Lola. He took us for whores! Orgying whores!"

Victor was somewhat worried when he smelt anything else but arousal on the chicks' behaviour. He smelt anger, frustration...and bloodlust.

He should have reacted a lot earlier, but he was somewhat shocked when the two hotties grabbed their bags and ruthlessly assaulted him.

Surprised at the nerve and the force with which the supposingly helpless chicks attacked him, he tried to avoid being severely hit by the rather heavy bags and he eventually found himself surrounded, his back on the upper deck's gratings.

The brunette managed to bitchslap him when he was focused on the incoming attack of the blonde's pinkish bag, so he lost his balance and was thrown over board.

Since the two mute bimbos couldn't hear the big `splash' coming from sea level below them, they could only assume that the hairy sexual assaulter had joined the fish.

"One mutie less...not that I'm a bigot or something, but suddenly I feel much better! I'm even in the mood to go to the karaoke lounge and watch the wannabe singers spill their guts out while trying to sing. What about you, dear?"

"I'm in. Just wanna forget about the mental image I made up. Think about the smell of that guy's wet fur as soon as he reaches the shores of Spain..."

****************************

Logan sat up on his bed as soon as he was sure that his healing factor had wiped away all the bruises from his aching bottom.

He growled at himself in frustration, pissed at the fact that nobody was there to share his pain with (by taking his anger on him of course). Damn Bobby/Robbie/whatever his name currently is had gone out with his doofus chick as soon as they had brought Logan back on his bed to heal.

As for Jubilee, she stayed a little longer with Logan and then remembered that she had a date to attend...one with a bi guy she had met back at "Rectum". According to Logan, meeting a guy at a gay bar was definitely *not* the ideal way for a girl to enact a romantic relationship. But he had no time to meddle with that relationship too, since he now had to deal with the aftermath of one of his most humiliating experiences in his (known) life.

A white bunny had spanked him to a pulp.

He had now taken the whole case very personally, and not just because of the fact that Jean would kill him, wait for him to heal and then kill him again, if he did nothing to prevent Bobby's incoming emotional letdown. He didn't even feel anything personal against the omnipotent little bugger that beat him.

But he just had to get Evita out of Popsicle's life. The damn bitch was going to pay dearly.

***************************

Jubilee was sitting on a bench at the upper deck and was making out with the cute guy she had met at the bar the last night, trying to forget all about Bobby's new girlfriend and the inevitable pain that awaited her back at the mansion when Jean would find out about this.

And to think that Jubilee had come along for the cruise to forget about other people's love life in the first place. She was kinda sick of being around Paige and her sugar daddy (a.k.a. Warren), but she didn't want to show her disapproval about this relationship and the age gap between them, because Paige would just say that she was jealous and that she needed to get herself a boyfriend too. So she just kept her mouth shut all that time and pretended to understand. But keeping your mouth shut always costs you some of your inner peace. Not to mention Angelo's death, who had happened so quickly and silently, with no much fanfare as happened in other people's deaths.

So, Jubilee got herself on the S.S. Lamancha and in order to forget about all these difficulties and get away for a while, just what Bobby needed too, and thus found herself into new trouble.

Now, however, she could live a 'love boat' affair, just like in her favourite film "Titanic".

Realising that with all that thinking she still hadn't forgot about her troubles, and that she was nowhere near lost in the current kiss, Jubilee unstuck her face from the other guy's lips.

"What's your name?" yeah, she had forgotten to ask him that one.

"Jack" he responded with an honest grin, before resuming to kiss her.

Jack...hey, that was too much like a Titanic deja-vu! But at least she hadn't met the guy while threatening to jump off the upper deck; neither was she a stuck-up aristocrat girl. He had met her at a gay bar just last night, so he was pretty much off the Titanic cliche.

They had chatted a bit that night before Logan entered the bar with a scary look in his eyes, and that was when the bi guy had withdrawn his presence toward the tables in the background.

When Logan was too drunk to comprehend that a possible boyfriend for Jubilee was around, the guy had returned and they chatted a bit more. Then they agreed to meet again in a less public place.

She knew that Logan wouldn't approve of that relationship, but he had his hands full with the whole Robbie situation right now...

She wasn't really that much into that Jack fella either, but what he had revealed during their chat last night had intrigued her and she had finally come up with a plan. One that could help out and eventually resolve their cruising problems...

*******************************

Bobby- uhm, Robbie, was once more leaning against the grating at the far back of the ship, once more on the upper deck.

This time however, he was not alone. And he didn't need to look at the froth produced by the boat's propel. That was because he his own girlfriend with him and therefore he had better things to do than stare at the stupid sea...like kissing Evita and worshipping every inch of her neckline with untold hunger.

That woman had something enchanting on her. Robbie was now a slave for her, a helpless victim draped on her clutches.

And he knew it.

But he also knew that he couldn't help it. He was glad to be enslaved to that woman. She was everything he could wish for. Every single inch of her seemed to be created especially for him.

So he just dipped himself into her arms again, totally unaware (and indifferent) of the spectacle the two of them offered at the other people hanging out close to them.

At the same time, an old woman near them somehow let her purse loose and it fell off her hands, making a gel on the floor and falling off the boat as well, heading for a dip into the ocean.

"Crap!" The old lady exclaimed in surprise and used her mutant powers in a desperate attempt to fetch her purse in time. However, the web she shot toward the falling purse missed it by a few inches, and the purse with all its contents (I.D., credit cards and Brad Pitt naked photos) ended up splashing into the cold water and making its way down to the bottom of the sea...

"Fuckin shit! Someone must have jinxed me!" the foul-mouthed old hag resulted in frustration.

***************************************

Logan approached the happy couple by the grating while holding a cell phone ready for use. His steps were stealthy and careful, although the two lovebirds were so much into each other that they would likely leave an elephant on high-heels go unnoticed, not to mention a stealthy Wolverine.

Stopping his steps at exactly ten feet away from them, he chose one of the already saved numbers on the cell phone's menu and placed it next to his left ear.

The recipient soon answered to his call.

"Hello, this is the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, could I inquire who is this and who do you want to speak with?" a really quick-paced voice came from the other side of the line. Of course, it figures. Northstar should be the one who always gets first on the phone, being super-fast and all.

"Hey, bub. Gimme Jean on the phone, quickly."

"Quickly is my proficiency" the elf-like Canadian announced and prepared himself to run up the stairs to call Jean, but then he comprehended that Logan was on the phone. "Hey...Logan..."

"Yeah? You're still here? Go get her, I'm dying here!"

"Yes, I just wanted to ask...is everybody okay over there? How's Bobby doing?" it was obvious that Jean-Paul was trying to hide his concern.

"Oh, he thinks he's doin' fine...but that doesn't mean he will be in a few days...Just get me Jean, cause it's a really long story. Okay? Or wait...no, don't bring her on the phone. Just tell her to do her mind-stuff and call me back mentally."

A whoosh of air was enough to inform him that the seemingly uninterested Jean-Paul had already left to fulfil his request.

Wolverine hang up, making sure that the star-struck lovers across him didn't acknowledge his presence yet. Before he could put the cell back into his pocket, a very recognisable voice echoed in his head.

[What is it, Logan? I trust everything over there is well? Have you encountered any problems with our lovesick Ice-Cube?] Very nice, she sounded to be in a good mood. But Logan was sure that his call had alarmed her and she just hid her utter suspicion before he would actually confirm her worries.

[No, no, there's no problem here yet, Jeannie. I just needed a little favour from your side...could you use the Cerebro and brainstorm the lass hanging out with Icicle, just a few feet beside me?] He thought to her and then waited for the outburst of her suspicion, as it would find ground to become realisation.

[LOGAN! Don't tell me he fell in love again...! I'm NOT in the mood to pick up his pieces afterwards OR wipe out any memories of his affairs this time! And damn right I'm not going to have him angsting over another lost love this time...!]

[No worries, Jeannie...It's nothing serious yet. Just get me information on the girl...that way I can make sure that Robbie's not going to fall for another wench.]

[Who's Robbie?] She thought back with added suspicion.

[Huh?] Ohhh shiiiit.....

[You said Robbie. Who's Robbie?] There. He had done it.

[I meant Bobby. You just overheard, Jeannie]

[This is a mental link, dear Logan. You can't overhear anything, since there is no 'hearing' involved in our communication. So it's probably the sender's mistake.]

[Oh, whatever. Will you get that information for me now? I don't wanna beg...and you know you must help me in order to accomplish my mission successfully]

[Yeah...just you wait...] Jean always had a way to make promises sound like threats.

[I'll be waiting...] he managed to respond, just as the telepathic link went out.

Logan had a look around him, as the fresh sprinkles of seawater were slightly spraying his face. Evita and her little male bitch were still making out, so he soon averted his eyes from the sight they presented.

Somewhere else, he could see an old lady, looking into the sea and swearing crudely. Right by the pool, a really fat purple woman was sunbathing. He wondered what effects could sunbathing have on a purple complexion.

Right beside the pool, a drunken couple of human-looking mutants was dancing samba, although the music that could be heard was clearly Abba.

Right then, Jean returned in his head.

[Logan? You still there?]

Logan mentally pouted.

[I know I had been a bit absent-minded sometimes, but I'm inside my head most of the time...]

[Sorry. You know, it's just a way of speaking. A telephone-cliche. Well, back to the main subject, I have found who the woman is. Still want me to tell you?]

[Sure. Go ahead, sugah...I mean darling.]

[Her full name is Evita Papadopoulos. She's American, though her surname betrays her distant Greek heritage. Her mutant gift is to affect majorly the luck of the people at her vicinity...for the worse.]

[She can jinx the people around her?] Logan was now worried about Bobby's life.

[Yeah, she's a major dynamo of bad luck. She can't control it though; it just happens. You better get Bobby away from her, Logan. I think that she mostly jinxes the malevolent people close to her and not her 'special' friends like I believe Bobby has been until now...] that last one was ironic, Logan could feel it was intended for him lying to her. [...however I think that Bobby will be in danger too if he stays inside her range for too long; it could even prove fatal for him.]

[Shouldn't she have gotten killed every single boyfriend she had until now if that is true?] come on, Bobby can't possibly be so deep in that mess...

[Let me explain to you how that works. People she likes; they're not in danger, unless they stay around for too long; then her power breaks through the 'friendshield' she has on. With people she doesn't know, like innocent bystanders, there would be some minor accidents of physical nature or so. Like, slipping and falling on the floor, or losing something. You know, nothing that serious...]

[I guess I get it.]

[But...there's also something else. There could be people who are malevolent. People she doesn't like or people she doesn't know but they somehow want her hurt someway. Those people, her defence system would unleash all bad karma on them without her necessarily knowing it. Those people, I am worried about.]

Logan gulped, as he remembered he wasn't exactly a good friend of Evita's...

[Is there any way to prove what you're saying?] A second gulp bumped on his Adam's apple.

[Apart from the fact that I picked it up from her head? Yes. The lady had been working as a nurse in Colorado before her mutation manifested itself. Several patients -innocent bystanders- died in a large streak of failed surgeries...almost 85% of the surgeries taken place that period were unsuccessful. She was around in most of them. She quit her job before anyone would start to inquire her involvement in this and moved into New York, mixing with the crowd. She's been known for doing black magic for rich clients who wanted to jinx their enemies since then. I think she just walked around her victims until something bad happened to them.]

[Clever lass. She really jinxed those fellas to death, though.]

[So imagine what could happen to someone who actually dislikes her. Someone who's malevolent. Just promise me you get Bobby away from her as soon as possible, okay?]

[I'll do my best.] Logan surely was the best at what he did; he surely wasn't any expert on breaking couples up, though. So his promise came with another "gulp".

As Jean's telepathic link went off again, Logan started thinking about finding Jubilee and joining forces with her against the common enemy.

But then he was reminded by himself that *he* was in Evita's vicinity all that time.

An awfully long time, in which he was talking to the phone or to Jean.

And he sure was malevolent like hell.

He glanced around in panic and saw the happy couple still standing a few feet away from him. They hadn't seen him, but it sure wasn't needed for Evita's mutant gifts to start acting.

The fat purple lady chose that moment to make an impressive dive into the pool.

A lot of water splashed out of the pool, and the guy from the drunk, samba dancing couple inevitably slipped on the water and disentangled himself from his girlfriend's hands as he slid towards the grumpy old woman standing close to them.

He landed screaming on the poor old hag and they ended up in a pile on the floor. However, in that entire startled situation, the old lady unconsciously sent a sticky piece of web flying out of her wrist.

"Hey! The woman is a 'spider-hag' «Logan began to think to himself, but the aforementioned piece of web got him on the eyes and blinded him, so he never actually got to express his thoughts.

Logan was instantly stunned, and the shock made him lose his balance. As a climax of this entire jinxed incident, Wolverine ended up falling off the gratings and splashing helplessly into the endless sea.

"Bull's-eye!" the old spider-hag commented ironically to herself as she picked herself up from the floor. The guy next to her was too drunk to help himself up as well.

"Hey, what was that sound?" said Robbie/Bobby, as he broke the kiss with the greened-hair mutant and looked around startled.

"Oh, it's nothing. Obviously that old lady couldn't pick up her feet and fell over, and that young man is helping her to her feet. I'm sick of this place. I think I could use some more privacy. Wanna accompany me to the cabin?" she said seductively.

"Yeah! Sure thing!" Robbie answered back in enthusiasm. He was gonna get some tonight...

***********************

AT WESTCHESTER,
XAVIER'S MANSION.

Lorna Dane, also known as Polaris, is a very powerful mutant with magnetic abilities inherited by her father, the feared Magneto.

However, her powers can't possibly help her when she's got the blues. Well, actually, they once could, because she always can use them to kill some irritating person just for fun, and this way get rid of that person and get her groove back as well.

But she can't go around killing people for entertainment when she's living in th mansion that is home to the X-Men, and she's also considered one of them. And the X-Men are a mostly peaceful force, so she should go with the flow.

She can still kill bad guys, but she has to be on a mission to do that, and she can't tell when the next mission will be planned.

So now she just walked around and did...nothing.

Until her eyes caught Jean, who had been mentally talking to someone until that moment, judging from the still unfocused look of her eyes.

"Anything interesting?" she asked her, not really interested.

"Nah. Just talking to Logan. He and Jubilee have taken Bobby for a cruise, as you probably don't know. To get away from some people and situations in here" during the last sentence Jean was giving her a stabbing look, as she was supposed to feel bad at this. Lorna then wished it had been Jean who wore the geeky visor and not her husband.

As Jean bid her goodbye and left the room before the tension could grow bigger, Lorna fell into heavy thinking.

When she came back to the mansion in order to find her Alex, whom she had presumed dead, she hadn't really thought she would bump onto another ex.

As days passed and her sudden wedding with Alex was getting closer, everyone in the mansion was approaching her with caution, like they did want to welcome her as a fellow team-mate and family member, but they still believed that she was a cranky bitch.

Bobby however hadn't talked to her at all. And she knew that wasn't out of indifference, but rather an unexpected reaction out of his hurt. She thought that he just felt awkward having an ex that dumped him around. But it turned out something bigger.

When the wedding was called off in exactly the last minute and she went on a rampage, Bobby was the only one who didn't hurt her feelings with his actions.

Alex did, since he did dump her on the altar for another woman.

That miserable excuse of a nurse did, being the other woman and all.

Everyone did by supporting her almost husband on his decision to humiliate her in front of everyone she knew.

But not Bobby.

"Don't do this Lorna. I still love you." those were the least hurtful words she received that day, and what did she do in response? She injured Bobby heavily and she mocked him, like a bitch that she was.

But now she could see how much she had hurt him.

And how much she loves him. For Alex was just an idea that had grown too large as time went by. But it wasn't Alex that she finally loved.

"Oh my God..." she thought to herself, stunned by her sudden realisation. "...I have to find Bobby."

**********************

The coldness of the salty water was enough to bring Logan out of his stunned confusion. Instinct was the first thing to hit him as the sea washed away the web from his eyes, and he tried to grab onto something.

Nothing came within his reach, however.

Second thought on his mind was to come up to the surface and find his way from there. He had to somehow get back on the ship. He knew that there was no possible threat in staying in being dumped in the middle of the ocean, but that meant that he would have to swim all the way back to New York, and such an action would result to a very pissed off Wolverine once he was back to the mansion. And an even more pissed Phoenix, since there was no way Jubilee would remove the Evita threat without his help in the meanwhile.

As soon as his eyes got used to being above the sea's surface again, he saw the boat making its way into the water without him.

It was expected, since he had managed to fall off the far back of the ship after all. However the distance between him and the ship, plus the slightly slow speed it was moving at the time, made reaching the boat a fairly possible achievement.

He knew there must have been some opening for him to re-enter the ship again.

Or else, slashing with his claws throw the boat's walls in order to get in could result in no ship to climb onto.

*************************

"A penny for your thoughts."

"Huh?"

"What are you thinking about?" she pointed him the meaning. Stupid male, Jubilee thought to herself. Can't even stay focused for a second. Well, he could be thinking about some really unpleasant memories, from what his serious expression could betray.

"Why do you want to know?" he asked enigmatically.

"You seem to be in pain there. I guess it could help if you talked about it." she tried to sound as compassionate as she could without giving the impression that she was pressuring him.

"Guess" he responded with a childish playfulness in his face.

"Okayyy...You're thinking about the time when you came out to your parents." she regretted it as soon as these words came out of her mouth. "Oh, I'm sorry. Are bisexual guys supposed to 'come out of the closet'?"

"Sorta. But that's not what I was thinking about. Although it was a rather unforgettable memory. My father was angry as hell."

"Oh, I'm sorry, poor thing...what happened?" now she really was compassionate, although she didn't really intend to feel anything intimate for the guy.

"Well, he was pissed cause he lost 50 bucks to my mom. They had place a bet, you know. They both suspected I was at least bi and had bet 50 bucks on whether I would ever tell them or not."

Jubes suppressed the incoming snickering and tried to express her amusement vocally. "That must have been quite funny, you know."

"Oh, it was. I was worried as hell whether they would kick me out of the house or not, and all they did was make money out of my condition. Although mom insisted I would definitely marry a girl, because she really needed grandchildren. And that brings us to what I was really thinking about when you asked me."

"Oh, what was that?" she inquired with fake curiosity.

As Jack replaced the sheepish look on his face with something more confident, more appropriate for hanging out with a girlfriend, he winked at her with a accompanying grin.

"Us."

Oh great, so typical. Only guys in touch with their feminine side could travel to La-La-Land thinking about their relationships and shamelessly admit it.

"Like, what exact aspect of 'us'?" she answered back with another question, almost provoking him to say something corny.

"Maybe this is not the right place to talk about this. Would you like to see my cabin?"

Jubilee smiled sensually. It seemed that now he seemed more in touch with his masculine side.

"Will I get to see that mini-lab of yours you have told me you've been working into?" she said, trying to approach her real goal...

"...Yeah. IF you behave..." now he was going spooky.

"'Kay. Let's go then." she responded, and tried to hide the slight turmoil in her mind. It was the first time that the innocent Jubilee was using an innocent guy to achieve her goals...but she felt it was fun to be a femme fatale.

**********************

Wolverine kept going his way through the endless dark maze of canals where he had somehow ended up. When he swam by the ship, he just held onto the first pipe opening he could see on the side, just a bit above the water's surface.

He had climbed on it and entered it, trying to find his way in the darkness.

Now the maze was splitting into smaller tubes that followed different, parallel ways.

He barely managed to fit in the closest of them and kept going his way.

It smelled gross in there.

Too bad heightened smelling was one of his attributes.

***********************

The bathroom had a really friendly atmosphere, considering what it was supposed to be used for.

After all, how could someone relax and use their appropriate muscles to relieve themselves, if the toilet's environment wasn't designed to be relaxing and friendly?

Those were Kate's high-important thoughts as she tried to relax and use her muscles properly, while sitting on the toilet for the 23rd minute in a row.

A loud knocking came from the door and Kate's attempts to relax went astray as her trail of peaceful thoughts was savagely interrupted. She couldn't actually hear the knocking, but she could see the crappy-manufactured door pulsing

She knew it was her roommate Jane knocking on the door, and the verbal obscenities that came from the other side of the door confirmed her thoughts. Kate had been sitting in there for almost half an hour and still nothing was coming out, and Jane wasn't determined to wait for her all day.

"WILL YOU GET OUT ANYTIME TODAY?!? DAMMIT, KATE, I GOT A DATE TONIGHT AND I DON'T INTEND TO ATTEND IT UNWASHED AND WITHOUT MAKE-UP!" Damn, Jane sure could shout louder than any woman she had known in her life. The fact that she was a strict non-smoker was helping with her tone, that was for sure.

"Just a minute, Jane...I intend to come out much sooner than you expect."

"JUST A MINUTE? THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID 20 MINUTES AGO! JUST PEE AND GET OUT...NOW!!!"

But what could she do? She just couldn't pee in another bathroom than her own one, back home. nd yeah, the cabin's little tiny bathroom was awfully uncomfortable for her to relax her muscles.

She considered going out, waiting for a few hours and coming back when the urge to pee would be too great for her nervousness to prevent her from relieving herself. She didn't had any date for tonight on this stupid boat, so she could surely wait. No man had looked at her during the whole trip until now. Not even the teal pimpled ones. Even the most mutilated mutant guy considered her too ugly to look at.

But then she could feel something scratching the base of the toilet...from the inside! The scratching noise became even louder, like something was making its way from down there and wanted to come out!

The rumbling she felt coming from the toilet under her was growing by the minute, and she also felt the panic growing into her and dominating her mind.

"Rats!" she thought to herself. She always heard urban legends about rats coming up from the sewers through the toilets and rummaging the people's bathrooms, but why, of all people, should this happen to her?

She quickly got up and pulled her skirt down, and run to the other side of the bathroom, cornering herself up against the wall. She looked at the toilet in terror, and waited for the rats to burst out of the seat.

"Hey, wait a minute! This is a ship, for Christ's sake! There are no sewer rats on a damned ship!" she thought again and respectively stared at the toilet seat with suspicion.

Suddenly, the side of the toilet seat was ripped into pieces by three identical metal claws. The claws also ripped apart the other side and the toilet finally fall apart, leaving a grand hole on the floor.

Lola's chances to pee in the next few weeks were now importantly diminished. Or at least that was what her nerves were letting her know at the time. What the hell was that thing with pointy claws that threatened to burst out of *her* toilet? Was she going to die?

As an answer to all the panicky questions forming in her head, a drop-dead gorgeous and smouldering guy emerged from the hole he had created in the floor with a devastatingly sexy feral look in his eyes.

He was totally soaked, and his exposed muscles were dripping with water, a mix of seawater and toilet liquids.

His manly face was distorted in an evil grin as he looked somewhere above the level of Kate's head and whispered to nobody in particular:

"Daddy's back on the ship, darlings..." he said and then pointed each arm to their respective side, letting a row of three metal claws to pop up from his knuckles in each hand.

Kate fainted at that point, because her pheromones were going on a rampage from the sexy as hell sight before her eyes, and a happy blissful smile formed on her lips as she fell to the floor.

The fact that the growly hottie across her smelt like he just came out of a toilet seat (which he did) couldn't possibly change the facts currently unfolding in front of her. She had just met the infamous Wolverine of the X-Men.

She had just met the guy she was dreaming of all of her life.

*********************

Robbie woke up in agony.

He had that dream again. Osama Bin Laden was sitting on top of an iceberg as he blew naughty kisses towards him.

Once in a while, his hands were travelling down to his body and stroked his fish-tail, since he was dressed as a mermaid. Glitter was applied all over his dark face.

At least the dream always lasted a few minutes. And Robbie was really good at waking up quickly enough to skip the worse parts of his nightmares.

As his breathing pace slowly returned to normal, Robbie glanced around to investigate his whereabouts.

Evita's room.

The skulls on the home-made curtain she had put over the small round window-thingy on the ship's wall was enough to ensure him about that.

Evita was lying next to him on the bed, her wonderful green hair sprawled all over the place and covering most of her face.

So they had slept together.

Just slept though. No sex had occurred, from what he remembered. But they had been intimate enough to make him confident that this woman was the one made for him. Like special pre-ordered delivery or something.

But why didn't they have sex? She was all for that, as Robbie could remember...

"Maybe I can't remember what happened cause I'm freshly out of sleep" he thought, subconsciously trying to comfort himself.

He would just go to sleep again. And after he had woken up again, then he would try to remember.

***************************************************************

Logan walked hastily to the room where Jubilee had told him to meet her in the distress call she made to him. His haste didn't have anything to do with the fact that Jubilee could be in danger, but it was due to the ugly rabid groupie that began following him around since he popped up through her toilet last night.

That Kate girl sure wouldn't be stopped by any violent means. He had tried threatening her but she just squirmed in excitement and pointed out how hot he was when he was angry.

So here he was now, trying to find the girl he was protecting and that desperate groupie was already stalking him around.

You know, if she was anything good to look at, Logan could have given her a quickie so that she would be satisfied enough to leave him in peace.

But that woman was the beautician's nightmare. Washed out red hair, pimples all over her face (and not only there, from what Logan could say) and a butt ugly face that had scared him as well when he popped up into her bathroom after hours of finding his way in the ship's sewer system.

You know, normally Logan was totally into redheads, but this one was something he would NEVER like to be into. Not in any meaning of the words.

And that creature was haunting him in every single step for the last few hours, begging him for attention, salivating after his smooth walking and broad shoulders. What a pain in the ass!

As he finally reached the cabin that Jubes had told him to meet her, he found out that the door was already half-open. He gave a half-growl, realising that must have been the cabin of Jubes' date.

Kate squirmed sensually at hearing his growl, and half-jerked her hips in arousal.

Being reminded of the groupie's presence, Logan decided to act swiftly. He quickly lashed inside the cabin and closed the door on Kate's face, locking her outside.

Ignoring his groupie's protests and desperate knocking, he turned around and walked further inside. The sight in front of his eyes was, for the lack of a better word, shocking.

*************************

Jack awakened to the growling sounds that someone was making above his head. Without really opening his eyes and betraying to the others present that he was awake, he found out that he was tied to his bed.

Oooow, kinky. That girl Jubilee was surely into S/M stuff. But wait, he couldn't remember having sex with her. The last thing he remembered of last night was showing her around his room while having a few drinks, then her complaining about him not showing her to his lab, then...nothing.

"You did anything with that guy? Want me to gut him?" a growly voice came from a few metres beside him. It seemed that the growly man from the bar was there and talking to Jubilee. What was his business here?

"No, Wolvie. Relax. I did NOT have sex with the guy, if that's what you mean."

"KID! You've spent the night in another man's room! You really want me to believe it's just a sleepover with a girlfriend of yours?"

As the blurriness from Jack's eyes began to retrieve itself, he started to recognise the man that was looking after Jubilee. He had seen him somewhere before. But where?

"Relax, Wolvie. I drugged the guy last evening and he has been sleeping ever since. I'm just worried cause he was supposed to have awakened by now, that's why I made that distress call."

Jubilee drugged him? That explained everything. She must have spiked his whiskey last night. But why? Why would such a sweet girl do that?

"You drugged the boy? Why?" Jack's fair questions were echoed in the growly man's voice.

"I need something from him. I was using him all the time. There is something that he has and we both need it in order to avoid getting our butts kicked by the Phoenix once we get back to the mansion."

"He can help us with the Evita problem? Is that what you mean? But, how?" Logan said somewhat excitingly.

"He's a scientist. I found out about him while reading one of Hank's science magazines back home. His name's Jack Evans and he had invented an android with great potential to solve our Robbie problem!"

Jack couldn't help glaring his eyes open upon hearing this. That filthy wench had used him, selling love to him in order to get to his 'child'.

"You filthy bitch! You used me!!! You're nothing more that a simple prostitute!"

"Hey-hey, he's awake after all!" the growly man pointed out with amusement.

"Listen...we have to make him tell us where his secret lab is...it must be around here, but I wasn't able to find a secret door or something. The Seductress 3000 is in there!" Jubilee seemed so dedicated to the cause that she even ignored Jack's badmouthing to her.

"The Seductress 3000? What kind of android is that?" Wolverine asked, as this whole situation was leaving him dumbfounded. This time he had to get all the available information before going on.

"She's an android...a cyborg to be more specific. She's especially designed to seduce people. Bored wives can use it on their husband in order to get a well-paid divorce. It looks so much like a real woman, that nobody can resist. Never mind the programming that has given the Seductress a thousand different methods to seduce men. She can get our Bobby unstuck from that green-haired bitch in a glitch!"

"Sounds capable enough to me...! But I have to warn you...Evita has some rather powerful mutant powers that can screw up our plan. She seems to sport some kind of Longshot's powers..." Logan finally exclaimed, happy to have gathered all the information needed, for once, but also concerned of the plan's welfare.

"So, she's incredibly lucky?" Jubilee questioned in agitation. If that woman was so lucky she would have snatched Brad Pitt instead of Bobby Drake.

"Nah, she just jinxes the people around her...especially people like us, who want to harm her. What I'm trying to say is, the plan might not work out as we want to."

"The Seductress is not a person...it's a robot! The wench won't be able to affect it if it's an inanimate thing!" Jubilee gasped happily at the clever thing she had just thought up.

"This is good reasoning...It might work, after all! So, where is the damn robot?"

"In his lab, probably...We have to *make* him tell us where the lab is...We need the Seductress as soon as possible, and we should even use violent methods to make him spill the beans if all else fails!" she said, pointing at Jack mischievously.

"I hope you didn't call me here in order to beat the shit out of the poor, manipulated guy...cause I won't do it."

"I don't think you'll need to... We can always blackmail him into telling us!"

"I won't talk bitch! I could have lent you the Seductress if you had asked nicely, but now I'd rather die than see her in your pretentious, two-faced hands!!!" Jack made his point clear by hacking and spitting at her direction upon finishing this sentence. However his spit-gobble only reached as far as his feet, and splashed gloriously on his left big toe.

"You wouldn't have given her to me!!! I was ready to put out for you and you haven't even showed me to your lab, you sneaky bastard! I bet you just wanted to bone me and dump me!!!" Jubilee yelled hysterically.

"Relax, kid... let's stick to the plan instead of falling into obscenities...what's the method you propose we should use...to make him spill the beans?" Logan intervened soothingly.

"While searching his room for a secret switch or something...I bumped onto something very interesting...and useful." she said with an evil grin as she walked towards Jack's wardrobe. She opened it slowly and pulled out a stash of colourful magazines.

"What are these?" Logan questioned as he watched in terror Jubilee's eyes lighting up in fiery malice.

"Listen Jack..." she called out to the poor guy tied to the bed, "...either you tell us where this damned lab of yours is, or you'll have to watch us as we rip all of your Playgirl's one-by-one!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Jack exclaimed in panic. "NOT THE ONE WITH DICK THE GREEK!!!"

"Oh, how nice of you to inform me, now THAT one will be the first to be ripped...hey Logan, wanna help me out with those claws of yours?"

"Logan...?" Jack's eyes beamed in recognition. The current presence of the Playgirls also helped him combine all of the loose pieces of information in his mind and finally form the memory of the growly man he was trying to recall all that time.

"You're Logan!!!" he yelled happily at Wolverine.

"Yeah, that's my name. Is there anything you know that I don't know?" Logan was so sick of all the situations where he would bump onto people from his past that would happen to know more about him than what he knew. "Just remind me what you know of my past and get over with it." he said indifferently.

"You're James Logan, Playgirl's Issue # 14, Mr. April 1973!!!"

"Huh?" both Logan and Jubes asked in unison.

"Yeah! You're the guy who posed for Playgirl back at `73! Damn hot! That was the issue that made the magazine go national! That issue is a collector's Chimera right now!" Jack said in excitement. He had met the wet dream of thousands of women (and men) since the 70's! After the issue's success, the model named "James Logan" was never to be found again, so he had become somewhat of a legendary sex symbol at those early press days. "Oh man, I'm so excited to meet you in person!"

"Don't be." Logan looked at him with cold eyes. Then he lashed at the Playgirls on Jubilee's hands with his deadly claws and ripped them to a thousand little pieces. A cloud of little pieces of paper surrounded Jubilee and the poor girl coughed her lungs out, as she had inhaled some of the damn paper.

"NOOOOOOO!!! MY PLAYGIRLS!!!!" Jack cried out and tried to get away from the ropes binding him on his bed. Of course he didn't manage to even loose them up a little. So he just began crying at that terrible loss in his sexual life.

Jubilee also began to stain her cheeks with tears, not because of sympathy for her victim, but because she had almost choked on a cloud of ripped paper. As she managed to get her breath back, she didn't lose time and started to talk to Jack again.

"See, Jack? Now, spill the beans, or else the Playgirls remaining in your closet will suffer the same fate." she warned him, hoping that he would budge this time.

"What? There's more of them in the closet?" Logan yelled in panic. If he really had posed for Playgirl back at the time he had no memories from, then those issues should be utterly destroyed. And they should be destroyed yesterday.

So he just walked over to the open closet and threw his cigar on the remaining stash. Porn magazines must be really flammable, because the fire that popped up quickly consumed every single inch of paper in the closet...and everything else in there as well.

"AAAAAARGHHHHH!!!" Jack acted as if he was the one on fire, instead of those useless pieces of paper. "YOU KILLED MY BABIEEES!!!" he yelled accusingly at Wolverine.

Logan just looked at him with a cool smile, and then got himself another cigar from his pocket and lighted it.

"Way to go, Wolvie. Now what will we blackmail him with?"

"We don't have to wait for *him* to tell us where his damned lab lies. I can sniff it from here, you know." Logan said while walking over to the west wall of the rather big cabin. He sniffed again and then leaned his head against the wall. "The lab's right through this wall, darling."

"Don't 'darling' me, Wolvie! How the hell are we gonna find the secret switch for that wall to get outta the way?"

*snickt*

"Oh, I see" she added in realisation.

"You always forget about the adamantium, girl." Logan taunted as he slashed his way through the wall and created himself a nice triangular door that seemed to lead to some stairs.

"Ladies first" he told her pointing at the newly created door, and Jubes accepted his kind offer, worried that Logan wouldn't go first and scout his way in there.

As she helped herself into the lab door, Logan took advantage of the few seconds he had alone with Jack to stick his tongue out to the man tied to the bed.

"You won't get away with this!!!" Jack promised to him as menacingly as a man tied to a bed with a pink fuzzy rope could sound.

*******************************

"Damn my luck!" Kate exclaimed while kicking on the unknown door for a last time. That door was parting her from the man of her dreams. As pissed as she was for being away from him right now, she still had to thank fate for that little break from Logan, as it gave her the chance to think clearly for a second (after all, Wolverine's musk was intoxicating and wouldn't allow her to think as a sane person).

"I will need some assistance in this." she said to herself, but that was said out loud and a maid that was passing by looked at her like she was nuts or something.

Kate picked up her cell phone and quickly formed a number she knew very well. She placed the cell phone by her left ear, but it prickled the pimple infestation on it and she had to switch ears.

"Just wait until the girls at the club hear about this..." she thought to herself in excitement.

***************************

"Robbie, my dear..."

"Yes, sweetheart?" Robbie responded with slavish devotion to Evita's words, as he lied on their bed with his head nestled under one of her armpits.

"Wanna go to the Lounge Bar tonight? I heard that Dazzler is singing tonight...one-night-only." the woman who had enslaved him shamelessly pointed out without actually waiting for a positive answer. After all, Robbie's obedience to her word was for granted by now.

"Sure, I'd like that." he said, leaving her with a grin of bossy satisfaction on her face. He wouldn't dare say "No", anyway.

"Now, what about getting our asses out of this bed and going to get ourselves something to eat, huh?" Evita proposed, even now without actually waiting for an answer. As soon as she had finished her words, she had got up and was getting herself dressed up, while Robbie had to deal with the loss of her warm body under his head.

"C'mon, get up! We haven't got all day!" she yelled bossily.

Robbie got up, instantly killing the slightest urge to mumble. Such things only happened to married couples that spent years together.

That thought gave him an idea that struck him like a lightning does on an old barn.

He should marry her.

And what better place or time to propose to your girlfriend than a cruising boat in the middle of the summer? Sun glowing through the sides of her hair, salty wind stroking her delicate features as she starts crying and yells: "YES!!! I would be honoured to be your wife!"

"Are you day-dreaming again? God, one would think that you can never sleep enough! " her sarcastic comment utterly disrupted his romantic trail of thoughts.

So Robbie just reached for his sandals, as he began thinking about the ring's right size and how would he meet Evita to his parents.

As he activated his cell phone, he got himself to listen to a recorded message from an earlier call that he missed, since his cellular was turned off all morning.

"Hello, Mr.Robert Drake, we're calling you from the 'Finders Keepers' radio show! If you had responded to that call, you would have instantly won a date with Uma Thurman as a prize! Well, we're sorry. Better luck next time..." an irritatingly friendly voice came a bit electronic from the other side of the line.

"Hell! Talk about bad luck...that message has been sent like, three minutes ago..." he thought to himself, pissed at the massive exhibition of bad luck that his fate had showed off at him with... "Well, I've got Evita, so who cares about Uma Thurman in the first place!" he tried to console himself and eventually succeeded.

He couldn't possibly know that missing this call was no coincidence at all...it was the first sign of the bad karma that was about to come, as a side effect of him being close to that woman...

***************************************************************

Logan and Jubilee entered the dark lab wearingly. The end of the descending stairs had lead them into total darkness that surrounded them threateningly, making it impossible to see beyond your...irises.

"Logan, aren't you supposed to use your 'animalistic lore' or something in here? We can't possibly find the Seductress like that!" Jubilee exclaimed in irritation.

"I'm not the one with the 'light powers'." Logan commented very sarcastically.

"Oops" she said, before reflexively switching on the lights on her hands. The light she provided then revealed something that none of them expected.

"Hey, look, there's a light switch right by the door we came in! Who would believe that?" Jubes commented ironically...to herself, of course. She then proceeded to turn the lights on.

With the room illuminated, the magnificent duo could now look around for the robotic saviour that would save their hides from an infuriated Phoenix in the hypothetical future.

But no robot was around. Only the classic stuff someone would find in a non-mad scientist's lab, like boring chemistry sets, boring dusty science books, boring sheet-covered things and boring Carmen Electra dead bodies.

Hey, wait a minute....

"Is that really Carmen Electra?" Jubilee said while poking the soulless Carmen Electra body. "OH MY GOD!!! It IS Carmen Electra! And she's dead! Wolvie, do something!!!"

Wolverine was the best at what he does, and doing C.P.R. to hot Baywatch babes was one of his specialties. He grabbed the limp big-boobed body and brought his lips to hers.

He kept breathing into her not responding lungs for the next six minutes, and it was then that Jubilee finally interrupted him, because it was just then that she had come up with something clever to say.

"Wolvie, you can stop now. She's dead. Keep doing this for another minute and you'll be officially considered a necrophiliac."

"NO! She can't be dead! Nobody escapes Wolverine's special C.P.R treatment! You've got a life to live out there, lady!" he kept on, turning his attention to the dead body. "You can't die on me! You can't!"

"Gee, Wolvie, you sound too much like George Clooney back on his E.R. days now. Cut it out, it's creepy!"

Wolverine readied himself to snarl at the girl, but his left hand, that was holding Carmen's head safely, touched something at the back of her neck. A hard little projecting thing, like a button.

"What the...?" he pushed the button before finishing his comment, and the cyborg with Carmen Electra's smouldering appearance surged into life.

"I'm waiting for orders, boss" she said, giving him a slutty smile. "I guess I won't have to seduce you, right? I'm already in your arms, after all."

"She's the Seductress?" Jubilee asked in astonishment. "Oh, yeah, I had mentioned she's an android...a cyborg."

"Damn right I am," Carmen Electra's robotic look-alike responded. "Complete with a spicy attitude and all."

"What's with the resemblance to a celebrity? Why this specific celebrity?" Logan questioned.

"Well, not many men would resist to this form, right? And by having this specific appearance, nobody will question the fakeness of my boobs." she said, hugging herself and pointing up the aforementioned boobs.

"We'd like to know something more of you..." Logan began to say, but got interrupted by Jubilee.

"...but we really have to get back at the matter on hand. We want you to seduce a friend of ours." she said in a professional manner, like talking business with someone.

"Well you did come to the right person...sorry, robot. I'm the Seductress 3000, but clients call me Carmen. For obvious reasons." she shot them a sardonic smile.

"Nice to meet you Carmen. How come you didn't ask anything about the man that made you? Jack?" Jubilee was still curious that the robot hadn't yet demanded to take orders straight from her creator.

"Who gives a damn about the fella. He's weird. Always keeping me shut and away from action...I just wanna do what I'm created to do, and he wouldn't let me. I hope he's tied to a bed right now and being spanked. That bastard." she really seemed pissed off, considering that she was a robot with no real personality.

"You're half right about the bed thing..." Jubilee began to say, but quickly interrupted herself. That would be too much information.

"Well, I should be off and doing what I'm supposed to do. Any orders?" the robot asked in an extremely professional way.

"Yeah, we want you to do your thing to a friend of ours...he could use your "special treatment". He's infatuated to a skanky bitch right now, a woman that can only bring trouble upon him. We want you to make him see his mistakes and bring him out of this situation. Got it?" Jubilee gave the closest thing to 'orders' that she could make up.

"How am I supposed to know who he is? Got pictures of him?" Carmen asked while adjusting her boobs in their tiny, constrictive bra.

"Yeah. Here." Jubes spent a few minutes searching through her pockets, eventually fishing out a photo of Bobby grimacing to the camera. She handed the photo to the slutty cyborg.

"Aha. Cute." Carmen commented. "Always easier when the client is handsome."

"I never realised that a machine could achieve a taste in men." Logan commented, unsure if the robot was just joking.

"You would be surprised at what technology can achieve for a 'machine' nowadays..." the robot answered back. "We're a bit
alike, the two of us, you know...We both are metal on the inside..." saying those words, Carmen hastily made her exit, licking her lips suggestively at Logan.

"Well, let's hope she's really as capable as she sounds...Bobby might be free within the next few hours, if what she said is true" Jubilee said to Logan, who was still looking the way the cyborg left the room.

******************************

As both Jubilee and Logan ascended the stairs that had previously led him to the lab, they heard some muffled sounds from Jack's bed's direction.

Jack was still tied to his own bed, but he was now muffled as well and some large bruises were visible on his thighs. His eyes were looking in panic towards Jubilee, pleading her to untie him, like he had something important to say.

"What the hell? Who did this to him? Wolvie...?" she turned her head towards her mentor. He just shot her a sarcastic look again.

"How should I know? Let's untie him and let him tell us himself!" he shot at her and then proceeded to rip Jack's restraints off.

"How did you let her go!?!? Carmen was not supposed to escape this lab! You jerks! You...you..."

"Shut up, bub. The girl had told you we needed the Seductress 3000 for a little job of ours. What's your problem now?"

"You...you imbecile jerks! You don't know what you've done, do you? You have just-"

A loud stomping noise, one that resembled the stomping of a whole bunch of rhinos, could suddenly be heard from a distance. A slight, but still indecipherable chanting noise could also be heard accompanying the stomping noise.

"We have just WHAT?" Jubilee asked Jack, ignoring the menacing noise that was approaching.

The chanting could now be heard louder, as it was closing in for some reason. It was something like: "Louvrin-louvrin-louvrin"

"What the fuck is that?" Logan said, indicating the spooky approaching chanting. Suddenly the stomping stopped dead, just as it was about to pass out of their door. Now the chanting could be heard clearly... "Wolverine-Wolverine-Wolverine..."

"oh...no." Jubes whispered to herself in terror. Logan was too terrified to comment on that.

The door flung open and two dozens of salivating girls busted in, stomping over poor Jack's furniture, plus the little pieces of paper from his late Playgirls.

They all wore identical T-shirts with the same thing inscripted on them... "W.O.L.F.".

The girls then stopped, and one of them stood ahead of them all. A tall, athletic lass, with white hair only 'tainted' by two long green streaks that framed her face and her feral catlike eyes. Logan usually liked redheads, but this one wasn't bad herself... Although the T-shirt she had on, really different from those the other girls wore, quickly snapped Logan out of his chick-admiring thoughts...The T-shirt wrote: "Marie, founder of W.O.L.F.".

Logan tried to make out what the initials "W.O.L.F." could possibly mean, but one of the banners that the girls held was enough to enlighten him: "Wolverine's Official Lovelorn Fans".

His eyes grew really wider, so much that he looked like a manga character. The continued silence that dominated the room since the moment those girls got in there and started looking at him inquiringly was suddenly interrupted by Marie, who could really pass as a leading figure to the others:

"Look! Kate was right! Wolverine IS here!!!" She said excitingly, and her emerald eyes turned into kitten-like as she looked cooingly back at Logan.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!" All of Logan's groupies screamed in added excitement.

Jubilee's eyes were ready to gouge themselves out of their sockets.

Logan, being the rational guy that he always was, had already slashed his way through the wall again, going to a safer place.

"He went this way!!!" the leading groupie screamed and they all bolted out of the room using the same unorthodox exit as
Wolverine.

****************************

Robbie was having breakfast all alone in the small French-like cafeteria at the commercial complex. Evita was supposed to be with him, but she had gone astray when her eye caught some very interesting prices at some close by shops, so she had snatched Robbie's wallet and had gone for some 'minor' shopping therapy.

So now Robbie was unable to share his milkshake with the love of his life, the medicine to his broken soul, his immortal beloved...his adorable Evita.

He managed to hold back his tears of loneliness, since crying would make him a spectacle for the other customers.

But he then managed to catch something with the far side of his eye, so he turned around to see who was that figure approaching him.

He came face to boobs with the spectacular chest of Carmen Electra.

His eyes quickly averted themselves from the 'danger area' and were locked on her hot lips and delicate face. Yup, it was Carmen Electra.

"He-hello..." he said, his voice trembling in panic and excitement.

"What's your name, stud?" Carmen said to him. These words proved to him that she was no visual trick. Maybe an audiovisual one, but surely not strictly visual.

"I'm...I'm Robbie. Are you...?"

"Yes. I'm Carmen. Carmen Electra." she said, a predatory look in her gleaming eyes, as her mouth formed a distorted grin.

"What's a pretty boy like yourself doing here, all alone?"

"Uhm...drinking a milkshake?" Robbie replied with a goofy and sheepish at once face.

"Yeah. I see that." She said, snatching the cherry on top of Robbie's milkshake and plopping it in and out of her mouth suggestively.

Robbie stared, and not in the "what the hell is that bitch doing" way. It was more like a "urk...I think that those panties of Evita's that I wore this morning are a little bit constrictive" way.

Carmen finally decided to stop slurping on her cherry and suddenly stabbed it with the toothpick pin that she found on Robbie's table.

The penetrated cherry was left to fall on the table's surface, thus letting Carmen make her seductive point.

"Can I order something for you? Maybe something to eat?" Robbie blurted in something between excitement, surprise and embarrassment. At least he managed to say something.

"There is only one thing I'm willing to 'eat' right now." Carmen's sayings surely weren't helping him get out of his embarrassment.

"Uhm...maybe something to drink then?" he knew he couldn't keep insisting on this...he had to change his repertoire.

"There's only one thing I'm willing to 'drink' as well." Carmen's upper teeth bit her lower lip for a second, before letting it plop back into its initial position. "Do you wanna provide it for me?"

The million dollar question had finally arrived. Robbie had to say something now. He thought about his beloved Evita, and the infidelity he could be about to show to her, and Carmen Electra's enriched lips doing their stuff in front of him, and him bragging to Warren about what famous chick he boinked as soon as he got back, and Lorna getting all jealous when he would show off his own hot Baywatch babe, and poor Evita committing suicide over her broken heart, and Jubilee being the godmother to his and Carmen's first big-boobed baby girl, and... well he had to stop contemplating and finally say something, right?

"-gulp-" was all that Robbie could say.

"I take that as a 'Yes'" she said, assuming for herself the meaning of what he said.

"Gulp." Robbie's quotes had been very repetitive recently.

"Show me to your room." she whispered, and took him from the hand, leading him outside the small cafe. The cafe's owner would have protested for Robbie neglecting to pay for the coffee, but he was too busy checking out Carmen's ass.

*****************************

She gaped at the opening that had recently formed on the wall and was used as an exit by a panicky Wolvie and a pack of crazed groupies that went after him.

He also gawked at the same opening in the same way, but he soon concentrated his attention to the young woman that was staring along with him. He smoothly got off the bed he had been tied upon for the last hours and looked at her, as a vein in his forehead was beginning to pulsate angrily. She turned around and looked at him in newfound panic, exclaiming an "Uh-oh..."

Jubilee had remained all alone with a untied Jack in his own room right now. It was a bit rational of her to be afraid of her well-being right now.

"You little manipulative bitch..." the manipulated bi guy expressed his righteous lament a bit too aggressively. That, combined to his hands that extended menacingly towards Jubilee's direction, resulted to her fleeing in panic towards the first opening she could find.

That opening unfortunately was the triangular door that Logan had slashed to provide a way to breach Jack's lab. There was no other way out from that lab, apart from the stairs she was descending right now in order to get INTO it.

So as soon as she arrived in there, she realised she was trapped. She could hear Jack's steps as he took his time going after her, obviously knowing that she had no way to get out of there.

"Oh, no, don't tell me I'll get to play the damsel in distress again..." she thought to herself.

**********************************

Logan run like his ass was on fire.

When he finally realised was too tired to run like his ass was on fire, he kept running like the wind.

He run so much that he reminded himself of that really cool German film, "Run Lola Run".

But the redhead (and Logan really likes redheads) playing in that movie had three alternate endings, in case her running proved to be in vain. He only had one, and it depended on how fast he could run right now. And believe me, Logan wasn't the one who would normally run away from danger, rather than walk INTO danger, so he wasn't that good at running away at all.

As he considered turning his head backwards to check out if they were still after him, a thought crossed his mind;

Who has the biggest will to keep running as fast as he can? Is it the poor man that is hunted down from his demented, salivating groupies? Or is it the groupies themselves, who currently have the chance of a lifetime in front of them; get close to their idol and have the chance to touch him...or even more than that?

As he finally turned his head around, he realised in terror that the right answer was "The latter".

Because all of the aforementioned groupies were still hot on his trail, not further than a few feet behind him. Not even one of them had stayed behind the others. Marie was still ahead of them, leading their way like the proud leader that she was.

"I guess they are THAT eager to meet me up close" he thought to himself, but soon realised that thinking was preventing him from running faster, so he shut all kinds of thoughts off his brain. He instead transferred all of his energy to his sore feet.

As he kept running, he couldn't help but whistle at the uber hot redhead that he passed by... (After all, he's such a fool for redheads) The woman was the famous actress named Famke Janssen and she strangely reminded him of Jean. She was casually leaning against the gratings.

Famke blushed and fluttered her eyelashes, thus showing her slight approval of his expression.

The girls that were following behind noticed that and were infuriated in jealousy. As they also passed past Famke, they put some serious effort in lynching her and pushing the poor actress overboard. One of the groupies, having just finished munching on her hot dog at that moment, gently tucked the hot dog wrapper in Famke's pocket before sending her falling over the gratings and straight into the not-so-welcoming ocean.

"That bitch always got on my nerves anyway" the hot-dog-eating-groupie named Poe muttered between small breaths of almost-
exhaustion, while tucking away a few loose strands of red hair that kept falling in front of her blue eyes.

Then all the groupies kept going after their growly idol, making sure that they haven't lost much ground to him.

The floor had just been swept under her feet, and Mystique was so surprised by what had happened that she turned back into her natural form as she kept falling towards the sea's shiny surface.

The last thought that crossed her mind before meeting the water was that spending a relaxing vacation in the form of a sexy celeb was a horridly bad idea.

******************************

A bit further than the place where Famke/Mystique's journey on the ship had come to an end, Evita was walking her bunny unsuspectingly.

She had finished shopping and had gone back to her own cabin with the stuff that she bought. After a few minutes of looking over them and making sure that nothing was missing, her Karate-Bunny began scratching the bed's legs, reminding her that since she began dating that Robbie guy she hadn't walked the poor critter out in order to pee.

So she picked Fluffy up, put his leash on him and was now walking him around the boat.

The bunny snarled furiously at the lack of any place with dirt to pee on. Those stupid humans with their stupid ships, what's the point of cruising over the whole ocean if your bladder is going to burst a long time before you make it to the other side?

Evita however ignored the rabbit's snarling, since she had just remembered that she had left Robbie alone in the cafe where they were supposed to have breakfast together.

"Let's go and check out on Robbie, shall we?" she cheerily said to the bunny. The Karate-bunny bad-mouthed her in response, but since she didn't have knowledge of the bunny language to begin with, she just took the bunny's insults as a "yes".

******************************

As soon as Robbie unlocked the door to his cabin, his sexy companion pushed him inside.

"What the...?"he tried to protest at no one in particular.

"Shut up." was all that the hot Baywatch babe had to say to him. Carmen closed the door and double-locked it.

Robbie's eyes grew in surprise to this woman's aggressiveness. She was acting like SHE had the upper hand in whatever they were going to do in the next few hours.

"Why are you-"

"SHUT the fuck up. Get to the bed, you filthy male slut!" she began yelling at a bewildered Robbie.

She was really possessive. Robbie could grow into that. He liked women that had the guts to boss him around. So he obeyed and began to walk to the bed.

"Move your lazy ass!" Carmen yelled, pissed at his unbelievable slouchiness, while she pushed him on the bed herself.

Robbie turned around, since he had fallen face-first on the soft mattress. Even if he didn't like being bossed around, he would have settled for it, since he had the chance to get in bed with an ultra-hot Baywatch babe. So he said nothing and just grinned at his luck.

"Don't smile on me, dog! Get naked...NOW!" Carmen suppressed her own grin into her mechanic jaw. She just loved to do what she was programmed to do.

****************************

Jubilee tried to find something to hide under as the steps of her almost lover were closer and more distinctive by the minute. But, hell, the stupid lab had nothing assuring enough to provide a hideplace.

So she instead began looking for something that she could use as a weapon against the enemy. Tubes with weird toxic liquids, like those in almost every self-respecting lab, were nowhere to be found.

"Damn how I hate this guy!" she thought to herself in exasperation. "Can't even have an adequate lab to himself! Where are the dangerous chemicals? The TNT liquids? Or at least the big steel rod they're supposed to mix everything up? I could use it to beat him up..."

"Don't you have your plasmoids to defend yourself, girlie?" Jack's voice sounded almost terrifying, for a man that had spent the last few hours tied on a bed spread-eagled.

Oh, yeah. She had forgotten her powers. An acceptable mistake in such a moment of panic. She raised her hands, ready to kick his ass with her "fireworks".

But Jack had picked up a special-looking gun that rested on a bench by then and had shot at her. The shot took her on the left thigh, making it a little sore.

"This might look like a stun-gun, but it actually shoots small doses of a special recipe I made up myself. Potent enough to put your mutant powers to slepp for a few hours. You didn't actually believe I would step in here without a trustworthy solution to your 'firework' problem, now did you?" he said ironically, while Jubes was still trying to unleash her plasmoids on him.

However, her hands reacted like a broken down lava lamp.

Quickly dismissing the 'firework' way, Jubilee got back to glancing around for something to hit him with. Her eyes quickly fell on a big thing, covered by some sheets.

"I bet whatever's under those sheets must pack quite a gallop for Mister Scientist over here" her animal instinct told her, making her lash at the sheets and pull them apart from the large thing they were covering up till then.

"OH MY GOD!!!..." She said quite loudly as she was treated to the sight of the newly exposed dead body. It belonged to...Pamela Anderson. "Hey...wait a minute. This not a dead woman. It's another cyborg, right?" she said, turning towards Jack, who seemed to enjoy her being terrified, even for a brief second.

"Yeah. This is what I was trying to tell you earlier."

"Are you obsessed with Baywatch or something?" she couldn't help mocking the man that had her powerless and defenceless in his own eagle's nest. "Should I expect to find Yasmine Bleeth's stolen underwear somewhere in your toolkit as well?"

"Well, Baywatch was really one of my favourite shows...hot guys and all." he said apologetically.

"So, what does THIS Baywatch babe do?" she inquired, pointing at the motionless Pamela replica beside her. If she was busted, she could at least provoke a bad-guy-explaining-speech for her to listen and kill some time.

"Yeah...this is the Seductress 3000."

*************************

Robbie winced a bit when Carmen Electra forced him to get tied on the bed, but he eventually complied. Everything's in the game, after all, was what he thought.

*************************

Back at the lab.

"WHAT?!?" she yelled again, unsure if her ears were betraying her. "There's another Seductress?" she asked, while a mental image of an army of Baywatch robots conquering the Earth was swimming in her brain.

"Nope. This is the only Seductress that I know of."

"Liar! Me and Wolvie had just freed the Seductress from you prisonlike lab! She's free now! She can do whatever she wants! And what the hell is *this* anyway?" she finished her speech by nodding at robo-Pamela's direction.

"You freed the cyborg that looked like Carmen Electra, right? That was NOT the Seductress. She lied to you in order to let her go and cause havoc to the unsuspecting world. And yeah, Carmen did believe I was preventing her from doing what she was programmed to do. That's why she spanked me to a pulp when she passed by the bed I was tied upon on her way out." Jack said with a bitter grin on his face.

***********************************

Robbie was a bit worried that he was being tied with him lying on his belly, but he quickly erased any worrying thoughts because of the heat of the moment.

***********************************

"If *this* one is the seductress...then what exactly does the one we set free?" the planned 'bad guy monologue' had turned out a bit more interesting than what Jubilee could take.

"Well, there was a time when I wanted to forge an update of the Seductress 3000" he began as he gestured towards robo-Pam, "and I made her look like Carmen Electra. But in the programming factor, things turned out a bit too progressive than waht I could accept. I wanted to enhance her seducting abilities comparing to the previous Seductress, so I spiced things up a bit."

"Oh, she could make sex? Is that all?"

"No. And try NOT to interrupt me again. You're the abductee, if we consider again each one's place, so you had better not pull on my nerves. Okay?"

"Okay." she tried not to stick her tongue out at him, as that action would be controversial to what she had just said.

"So...the Seductress update was programmed to do a lot of kinky stuff. Too kinky to actually appease to her victims and make her likeable to them. Thus, she was too kinky to be successful in seducing unsuspecting people. She was of strong, forceful and dominant nature. She was raunchy at her more intimate actions, but she eventually proved viscious and violent. So, I decided she wouldn't do for bussiness of 'seductive' nature and turned her off. I named her "Dominatrix 669" and stored her away in order to sell her to some masochist millionaire that would need a capable, permanent dominatrix."

"The Dominatrix that *we* set off after Bobby!" Jubilee whispered to herself as she tried to prevent herself from fainting. But she failed, so she landed on the floor like a sack full of potatoes.

"Oh, great, now I won't even get the pleasure to knock her off..." Jack grumbled to himself. You can guess by now that Jack had his own plans and the fainted body of Jubilee could be a very useful tool for him to make these plans true...

*********************************

"OOW!"

"Shut up."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"Shut up, slaveboy." Carmen whispered next to Robbie's ear.

When he entered his room accompanied by a gorgeous chick like Carmen, Robbie was looking forward to a lot of things.

But the last thing he would look forward to was being tied on his bed, lying on his belly, and being spanked by the brunette hottie, who seemed to have a lot heavier hands than what he expected. Pain was surging through his body like an electric shock everytime she would slap him.

But now the unexpectingly sadistic bimbo had stopped hitting him.

He could hear her sarching through her stuff, and picking something out.

He turned his head around, barely enough to see her holding a large cucumber in a somewhat menacing way.

"What?! You get off on eating while doing all these atrocities?" he yelled at her through stinging eyes.

"Don't yell at your Master you bitch!" she shot back at him. "Don't worry, I don't intend to eat this large, fat cucumber...."

"Then who's gonna eat it?"

"Do NOT interrupt your Master! You're gonna eat this nice, enormous cucumber... though not via your mouth." she said, as she also grasped a jar full of lube with her other hand.

Robbie's eyes almost gouged out of their sockets as he gasped in terror. He watched Carmen slowly approaching him with the evil cucumber form hell in hand, unable to do something to prevent his predicament...

He felt so helpless that he even forgot to use his mutant powers and freeze her in place.

But thankfully for him, a loud knock on the steel door to his cabin interrupted Carmen's pacing of apparent Doom.

Carmen looked at the freshly knocked door, pissed at having to be interrupted from the only thing she was programmed to love...

Robbie sighed in exasperation, but soon realised that he had to shout something in order to make known to whoever was outside that *he* was inside and was in danger.

But as he breathed deep in order to make his incoming yelling louder, he shut his mouth on hearing a rather familiar voice coming from the outside...

"Robbie, honey, are you in there? I'm sorry I forgot about you, but fluffy over here needed to be taken out for a walk... I didn't find you back at the cafe, so I assumed you would be in here... Robbie, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!?!" Evita's close to hysterical voice from outside marked her presence out there.

Fluffy the Karate-bunny could also be heard scratching with rampage on his cabin's steel door.

Carmen looked at him ironically, with a smirk on her face.

"What are you going to do, slaveboy? If you keep your mouth shut, your woman shall go searching for you someplace else and you'll be deflowered whithin the next minutes... Or you can scream and call for her to come in and save you...but then she'll know of your unfaithfulness and you'll be at her mercy...and judging from her bitchy voice, her treatment of you won't be a good sight either.

The Master was right. Bobby was in a grave dilemma right now. He had to choose between losing either his ...uhm, manliness, or the greatest love of his life.

He had to choose.

He had to do it now, or else the choice wouldn't be his anymore.

And it all depended on him and the chance of yelling enough to be heard outside.

"What'cha gonna do?" Carmen inquired with a teasing grin, as she rubbed the cucumber in her palm. "What'cha gonna doooooooo?"

*********************

Logan shut his cabin's door behind him and leaned against it, trying to catch his breath back in the process.

His demented groupies had finally being caught back in that great chase that had begun, the moment they bumped on a bypassing group of nuns that had popped up from a corridor crossing their way.

That fortunate surprise had allowed Wolverine to get far enough from them in order to get back to his room without being followed there.

With his breathing finally returning back to normal, Logan had the chance to look around his own cabin...not much had happened in there since the moment he had exited in, accompanied by an excited Jubilee, both of them very eager to destroy a blossoming love affair between Popsicle and that green-haired trump.

"Those were the good days", he thought to himself. Too bad that those good days had passed just the previous day.

Logan began to unbuckle his belt, finally ensured that all the groupies were far from him and unaware of his cabin's whereabouts. But right then, a sensual voice tragically proved him wrong;

"Do you want me to help you out of these trousers?" Logan's enhanced hearing system ensured him that the voice belonged to Kate, the woman who probably started the whole groupie thing.

And there she was, lying on Wolverine's double bed, only clad in a set of purple underwear, complete with long silk stockings and all. Her pimple-infested thighs were spread on Logan's beloved mattress, as Kate stroked her feet provokingly.

All of Logan's blood surged into his skull at that horrifying sight.

Kate squirmed happily as she saw Wolverine glaring at her. She thought she had impressed him. And she had. But not the way she wanted to...

"How did you get here?" Logan asked in exasperation. Trying to get away from her again would prove pointless.

"Oh, come on, when a potent girl wants to get somewhere really bad, she eventually makes it. My friends from W.O.L.F. were the perfect distraction for me to bribe the receptionist and find out what the number of your room was, as you were running around the boat trying to get away from your own fans. But no need to feel guilty now, you can make up to that by satisfying your greatest fan EVER. Me."

Logan didn't need to rethink of that. The answer he gave to that question wasn't vocal, but it still helped him to make his point...

*Snickt!*

He began getting closer and closer to the icky woman lying on his own bed, perishing the thought that he was about to touch her in order to get rid of her...

"Uh oh..." Kate muttered between her clenching teeth. This time she had gone way too further than what she could handle...

********************

Jack was currently speaking on his cell phone, using a language of currently unknown identity. He seemed to be talking to his boss, and the repetitive uses of a certain brief word combined with many nods of his side were inclining to that conclusion.

He soon hang the phone up, mumbling to himself about his stupid boss and how eager he was to go incognito in stupid masque parties when he was supposed to stick to the plan and take part in their mission for tonight.

Jack made sure that Jubilee would be harmless enough in her constrictive bonds as soon as she would wake up. He also checked his hi-tech watch to make sure that his Seductress 3000 (the one that looks like Pamela Anderson, remember?) was on her way to where he had sent her to.

"Splendid. Everything is going well, although we were taken aback by the unexpected tricks from Miss "I'm-cool-enough-to-date-a-bisexual" over there", he said mischievously to nobody in particular as he pointed at Jubilee's asleep form.

He then remembered what those "tricks" had cost him. Trying to contain himself from crying, he walked over to the ripped-apart and stomped-on remains of his beloved Playgirls, currently lying in the middle of the cabin's floor.

He traced around in the heap of ripped paper on the floor, trying to find any piece of paper that wasn't smaller than an inch at girth.

Nothing.

His head turned over towards the open closet, where the rest of the Playgirls had met their untimely death.

He slowly walked to the closet, fearful of what he would see once he got there. The sight was horrendous. The once glorious stash of Playgirls had resulted in a small heap of ashes.

Hope suddenly gleamed into his eyes as he remembered something. Pushing away the heap of Playgirl ashes, Jack eventually found the loose piece of wood in the floor under the ashes.

That was where he had hidden his favourite issue.

Taking the wooden plank out of the way, Jack revealed the secret opening where the Playgirl issue from April 1973 was resting.

The headlines on the cover were screaming: "Canuck Power: Why Canadians do it better"

James Logan, clad in nothing but a skimpy pair of red pants and a lumberjack hat was smirking to him playfully from the cover, as he held on a massive, edgy, tree-killing axe.

"Yeah, I knew you would make it", Jack said in a father-like voice to the magazine and tucked it in his jacket's large side-pocket protectively.

******************************

Logan had a last look at the huge hole on the wall of his cabin. It was fortunate that his cabin wasn't in an underwater level, or else the whole ship would be flooding with water right now...

He had ripped that big hole himself, using his lethal adamantium claws.

Kate, the utterly ugly chick that was chasing him around and had summoned that pack of W.O.L.F. groupies after him, had been thrown out of that hole, into the sea. Logan had been way too angered by that woman and couldn't help himself from doing what he did.

He then considered whether he should set his mattress on fire or not. After all, Kate had tainted it by laying her ugly form on it, so it had to go as well.

"What the hell" he had thought, "I already have a gaping hole on my cabin's wall, why not use it to get rid of another thing as well." So he also threw the mattress out of the hole, letting it join Kate in the ocean.

So now Kate was sailing in the endless waters, holding herself on the mattress to prevent herself from drowning. Logan had thought about the possible dangers caused by sharks and other sea critters towards Kate, but he had a small conference with himself and finally decided that no shark would attempt to consume something that ugly.

So he walked to his couch (the bed had no mattress anymore, remember?) and eased himself on it, trying to get some sleep before getting up and going to check on Bobby and the Seductress 3000 (or what he thought as the Seductress, anyway)...

*******************************

Robbie (formerly known as Bobby) glanced at the continuously bumping door with the corner of his eye. Evita was still out there, his only chance to avoid a painful cucumbering in the hands of Carmen Electra, who had proven herself nowhere close as caring as her character in Baywatch.

Using the corner of his other eye, he shot a pleading look at the aforementioned Baywatch babe. The Evil Unholy cucumber seemed to be smirking nastily at him, if vegetables could ever be considered animate things that could act humanly of course.

Carmen imitated the cucumber's imaginary smirk. "It's still your choice, Drake. So choose. This...." she said, juggling the cucumber with one hand, "...or *that*" she kept on, pointing with a smooth move of her head towards the steel door and the faint yelling coming from outside.

A hard choice, indeed.

This was some kind of punishment for him. He shouldn't have ever chose to follow Carmen to his cabin, thus betraying the trust that his beloved Evita held for him. Damn! That milkshake he had been drinking at that cafe must have been spiked. He would have never done that otherwise.

"Oh, stop blaming an innocent milkshake, Drake" his conscience yelled at him. "How can simple drinks containing milk, sugar and ice-cream convince you into hopping into bed with Carmen Electra!?! You must have been out of your mind, geez! You were simply thinking with the wrong head, mister! Now heads up! You must take responsibility of your actions! You brought yourself upon this and you must suffer the consequences...preferably NOT with close encounters with vegetables, though." it finally whispered to him.

That was it. Robbie would choose to yell to his love and let her see what a sinner he had become.

But as he collected his breath into his lungs, preparing himself to yell with all he had, he noticed that the yelling and bumping from the door had stopped.

He looked at the steel door to his cabin. Nobody could be heard outside anymore.

"Time's up, Drake" the satanic bimbo said with gleaming eyes.

She walked over to where her bag had been lying, taking a carrot and a banana out.

We're exploring all the potential of a small garden tonight, gentlemen" Carmen said with exaggerating enthusiasm. But as soon as she said those words, a voice was heard from the door again;

"WAIT! You heard something, Fluffy? Cause I damned heard something, that's for sure! Someone's in there! We have to get in there, NOW!"

Bobby looked up with hope, forgetting his previous predicament at once. Evita was out there and she intended to come in! Well, that wouldn't be so good, since she would find him in bed with another woman, but hell, it was something!

Loud bumping and cursing could be heard from outside, but Evita surely wasn't capable of breaking a steel door by her puny self.

"Wait! I have another idea! Karate-Bunny, door!!!"

"Oh, shit..." the sadistic cyborg tried to mouth, but with one single mighty kick from the bunny's lethal paws, the steel door's hinges broke and the steel door went flying though the cabin.

The door caught Carmen in its deadly orbit and ended up with force in the opposite wall, sandwiching the unsuspecting cyborg between two large shards of steel and shattering it into pieces.

And that was the end of the Dominatrix 669.

Evita and her bunny walked in the cabin. They didn't see the remains of Carmen's once glorious body, since they had all been kept between the steel door and the steel wall it was firmly attached to.

However, they did see Robbie tied on the bed and lying on his belly.

"Honey! Oh baby, what a surprise, I was looking for you all over the boat and you were setting this nice bondage surprise for me! Oh, how sweet of you!" the stupid git said while giggling happily. Her pet bunny just snarled with frustration and went off to munch on a cucumber that was mysteriously lying on the other side of the room.

Evita hopped on the bed besides the bonded Robbie, a happy and lustful look in her eyes. The question of how the hell could Robbie be tied on the bed all by himself obviously never crossed her mind.

The small, unimportant fact that there was no door on the cabin to keep the following minutes private also escaped her thick skull.

*************************

THE SAME NIGHT.

Sailor Marty Hughes was leaning against the huge wheel that controlled the whole massive ship everybody was onto. He knew that was a major responsibility, after all, the Captain himself had ordered him to look after the wheel and make sure that nobody comes inside the cubicle but the Captain himself.

Normally that responsibility should make him sleepless, but Marty wasn't functioning like a normal, conventional person.

When he was anxious he always got sleepy.

And such a great responsibility couldn't but make him REALLY anxious.

But all that time that his eyes were almost dozing off, he always reminded himself of the "sleepy guard" cliche someone can regularly see in every single flick. The terror at how conventionally he acted always brought his eyes back to full alert.

But now his eyes were alerted without having to remind himself of stupid movies with sleepy guards.

Because he saw something that really alerted him...on every meaning of the word.

A really gorgeous babe was knocking on the wheel's cubicle. Her blonde hair were prettily framing her face, and her large boobs were pressing against the impenetratable glass of the door.

"But Captain said that no one comes in" he thought to himself, trying to convince himself into following the orders he was clearly given.

"Stupid Marty! She doesn't want to check out the ship's controls, she's obviously here for *you*!" another part of himself scolded his earlier thoughts. "Let the babe in!"

As the babe smiled on him, he finally managed to realise that this was Pamela Anderson herself!

"Oh my god!" was the obvious thing to think about.

"See? She's a celebrity! Do you know of any celebrity who would gladly hand over fame and money to expose herself as a ship-conquering spy or something?" the naughty side of his brain seemed more reasonable now.

"Just a minute" he said to the hottie at the other side of the glass. He promptly opened up to the hot Baywatch babe.

Pamela Anderson stepped inside and her boobs took over almost all of the remaining space in the small cubicle.

"Oh, there's so little space in here..." Pamela told him as she giggled. Marty giggled in response.

"Let's make some space then." she added, smacking an unsuspecting Marty at the back of the head.

"Oooohhh....you're a rather heavy-handed girl..." he whispered before landing on the floor. Or whatever space of the floor remained.

The Seductress 3000 kicked the sailor's unconscious body outside the cubicle and locked herself in.

She looked around and began messing around with the ship controls...soon she would take over the wheel.

********************

Logan kept strolling through the really huge main lounge, his eyes quickly exploring the area.

A woman he used to know, Dazzler, was currently on stage, carelessly singing some old song, in order to give the room a "swinging 60's" feeling.

He ignored her melodic voice and kept looking around for the faces he knew.

When he woke up that very evening, he first went looking for Bobby. Arriving in his room, he saw that there was no door to keep him from peeking inside. The door was actually at the other side of the room, firmly embedded on the wall, and from the smell of it the Carmen Electra cyborg was sandwiched between those two pieces of steel and inevitably out of order.

The animalistic scents coming from Bobby's bed betrayed that the cyborg had failed. It seemed that Bobby and that green-haired wench had done some very indecent stuff on that bed, and the Seductress had nothing to do with this.

So Logan promptly went looking for Jubilee, but she was nowhere to be found. She wasn't in her cabin, but she had never set foot in there since the beginning of the journey anyway.

Next place to look for her was the gay bar where she liked to hang around, "Rectum". But the bar was on a ball-masque party that was raving that night, and Logan could only smell cross-dressing men in there, so he didn't bother walking in and be shooed for not coming in dressed as "Cleopatra", "Snow-White" or something equal to those, like everybody else did.

So his next logical stop was the main lounge, which had Dazzler singing for one-night-only. Someone had to be there, considering how Dazzler was an old friend and all. And he was right; Bobby and the jinxy Seaweed-head were there, their butts resting on the cushy chairs on one of the tables planted all over the lounge. Her accursed karate-bunny was also there, resting beside the chair's foot.

He tried to approach them, but he froze in his shoes as he saw the people filling up the two closest tables to Bobby's; the proud members of W.O.L.F. seemed to have recognised Iceman as "that guy that makes ice cubes and hangs around our adored Wolvie" so they had stayed close to him in case Wolverine himself showed up. Clever groupies, they were probably thinking much more clearly when their idol wasn't around.

As the head of the green-haired groupie (currently relaxed on her seat) began turning around like a satellite dish trying to spot Wolvish presence, Logan ducked under a table and almost made a waiter bump on him. The waiter avoided crashing onto Logan, but he couldn't also avoid losing the dishes he was carrying from his hands. The crashing noise turned all the attention in the room towards the poor waiter. Logan just looked at him pleadingly from under the table.

They exchanged glances for a moment...

...and the waiter finally looked away, pretending that he just slipped on something and lost his balance. Picking up whatever wasn't smashed into too little pieces to handle, the waiter got the hell out of there.

That whole fuss with the broken dishes averted the attention of the crowd to that, so nobody had the luck to notice a bunch of heavily armed men making their way around the lounge, positioning themselves in every single side of the room, eventually surrounding all of the passengers currently hanging around in the lounge.

Then the ship's Captain, looking rather impatient, came up the stage and ushered Dazzler out of it, whispering something about emergency issues to her. Dazzler got pissed off at having her singing interrupted in the middle of a song that was holy to her ("Put the blame on mame", that is) and muttered something about never singing on this fish-smelling wretch again.

The Captain quickly swallowed all of her nagging and as soon as she was off, he got back to the onstage mic and grabbed it.

"Oh, no, don't tell me he's going to sing again!" a frustrated Bobby said rather loudly, making the armed guys look at him with really mean eyes. Maybe he deserved Evita after all, was what came to Logan's mind, still hiding under the table, waiting for the right moment to strike.

"Ladies and gentlemen..." the Captain began talking to the mic, "...or should I say: filthy muties, grudge of this planet! You really believed you could have your own, very special "mutie-only cruise"?

It was logical that the beginning of his speech resulted to some very agitated audience, most of them looking around in confusion, and finally in surprise when they noticed the strange men around them drawing their guns out. A loud collective muttering filled the lounge, making most voices undecipherable.

"Shut up. SHUT UP!!" The Captain screamed, making everyone stop talking and pay attention to *his* words instead. How could someone terrorise a crowd if he couldn't even demand their attention, after all?

"Okay. And now that I have your attention, I can explain to you what all this fuss is about. We are a new branch of The Friends of Humanity."

Most of the people in the audience gasped at the revelation. Bobby instead choked on his drink.

"What are the F.o.H. doing here?" he whispered to an equally dumbfounded Evita next to him. It's needless to say that most of the F.o.H. Captain's audience also resumed commenting on that revelation of his.

"Ahem." the fraud Captain coughed in the mic, causing everyone to shut up again. "You can now realise that the whole "mutant-cruise" thing was a trap for you and all of your fellow muties to come onto this ship and suffer a horrible death in the middle of the ocean. You see, the whole ship is loaded with explosives that will go off in much less than an hour. Thus, this will be the perfect example for all mutants to stop fighting for rights they don't deserve. It will also teach our fellow humans that they have to stand up to the enemy and refuse to give ground to the filthy muties. You will all be an example to the rest of the world today."

Everyone began panicking at the deadly predicament they were facing, but the Captain resumed talking before being interrupted again.

"The F.o.H. organised this set-up right after we bought the S.S.Lamancha, that up to now was a ship ready to go on retirement. You all fell for this. Even two poor mute girls mistook it for a "mute-only" cruise and set foot on this condemned boat. But we wouldn't allow two fellow humans to die with the rest of the mutant scum in here. So the girls are currently resting in our F.o.H. chopper, ready to disembark this death-trap. And excuse us, but the same goes for the members of F.o.H. that will soon escape this cruising bomb and leave you to blow up in pieces."

"What the hell...?" Logan thought from under his table. His claws itched to come out and play, but he felt like he should stay there and listen to some more. Most of the audience began shrieking in panic as the Captain began snickering. You see, they might be mutants, but none of them was a fully trained mutant that could jump into fight anytime.

"I'm sorry, but the mutants in this room aren't going to die in the explosion."

The mutant audience began sighing in relief.

"You all know too much now that I relieved my urge to announce my whole plan to a portion of my victims. You have to die NOW." he said, nodding to the armed men surrounding the audience to start killing everyone. The mutant crowd began screaming in panic, Bobby began getting up from his seat, and Logan placed his palm in the underside of the table he was hiding under, ready to pop out and start slicing F.o.H. members up like a primitive mixer.

But they all stopped as another bunch of armed men, dressed in khakis this time, suddenly appeared and started knocking out the F.o.H. members. The mutants, still seated in their tables, began cheering for the new coming saviours, but soon shut their mouths as the men in khakis knocked out all of the F.o.H. members and then pointed their guns at the crowd, taking the place of the men they attacked.

Another man ascended the stage and stood next to a dumbfounded F.o.H. Captain. It was Jack! Next to him, two men in khakis carried Jubilee's. She was fine and awake, but she was tied like a salami with some ropes and was currently pissed as hell.

"Oh my god, JUBILEE!!" Logan yelled in surprise. An armed man in khakis that stood next to his table heard him and pointed his gun under the table. Logan silently walked out and stood next to the man, now being exposed. He wanted to wait and see what it all was about before he jumped into action.

"Oh, I see that Logan is here as well. I knew that keeping you as a hostage would prove useful" he said turning to Jubilee, who was muffled and couldn't curse at him in return. "I guess we can begin now." he said, and pushed the speechless Captain away from the mic, grabbing it and talking in a stand-up-comedy manner;

"You see our captain here? It seems that he intended to blow the S.S. Lamancha up, and as a good captain he wouldn't even go down with his ship! Well, there will be no blow-ups in the middle of the ocean. Even as we're talking, an especially designed cyborg is on the wheel and turning the ship back towards New York."

A stunned silence was the crowd's response. They had enough twists thrown in their faces up to now, so they were wise enough not to cheer or wail or even comment on his sayings.

"You see, me and the organisation I work for have seen through the evil plans of F.o.H. So we got in this ship disguised as mutants and prepared our own little plan, though still based in our beloved Captain's makings."

"Who's your boss?" Bobby yelled from his seat, provoking a shushing noise from Evita's side.

"My boss is named Osama Bin Laden, and I'm working for Al Qaeda. Happy now?"

The crowd forgot all about its manners and began screaming.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Jack screamed, pissed at the lack of spirit. "The ship IS going to blow up, but you guys don't have to be inside it when the time comes. We don't have any problem yet with mutants. Just with Americans."

"Why are we turning back? What ARE your purposes toward this boat?" Bobby asked again, causing Evita to slap the back of his head.

"You're an accountant, not a damned lawyer! Let the others make the questions." she whispered bossily. Bobby's reaction wasn't as sheepish as before, but he still swallowed it.

"Let me respond to that as well. The ship is full of explosives. Now imagine it being blown up in the middle of New York's port. Or even next to the Statue of Liberty. Now that would be an example for the world, not a stupid boat accident in the middle of nowhere." Jack said and a lunatic smile flashed on his face.

"Now that's what I call courage. Your dimwit of a boss isn't even on the ship, now, is he?" Bobby kept questioning him like a journalist that had found the news of the century. He even slapped Evita's hand away before it reached his head again.

"Oh, Osama IS on the boat. He was simply bored of these boring procedures and went on to party in some ball masque in a bar. He's not much of the guy that follows typical procedures. But he's still on this boat."

Right then, the Captain was out of his mind. He punched Jack right on the face, letting him collapse on the floor and came up to the mic. "You can't go messing my plans like this! Find your own ship, you damned Muslim!!! You can't just mess with us! WE ARE THE FRIENDS OF HUMANITY!!!!" he yelled, almost out of breath.

The crowd began screaming in panic.

Jack stood up and grabbed the mic. "I don't friggin care about your lame-ass plans! We don't give a damn about whose ship this is because it's going to fuckin blow up anyway! And if you're the friggin Friends of Humanity, then WE'RE THE FRIGGIN AL QAEDA!!" he screamed at his face, out of control.

The crowd screamed in greater panic than before.

"AND I'M THE FRIGGIN POLARIS!!! CAN NOW EVERYBODY SHUT UP?!?!?" Lorna screamed from the middle of the lounge, where she had landed. A large hole, which she had opened up in order to come inside, was now on the ceiling of the lounge. All the guns from the fallen F.o.H. members and the Al Qaeda guys in khakis were also lying next to her feet, drawn by her magnetic powers. She had finally found the cruising boat, after a whole day of flying above the ocean.

Now everyone began screaming in panic, much louder than before. Half of the audience stomped out from the lounge, and the ones that remained only stayed out of curiosity.

Logan and Bobby, from entirely different points, went "Uh oh..." at the same time.

"Now where is my Bobby..." she said, and her eyes fell on the table where her beloved Bobby sat, accompanied by a woman with hair almost as cool and green as hers.

Lorna walked towards them, lounge tables flying out of her way, as she was walking in a straight line that led to Bobby and the other woman. A cute bunny was also next to their feet.

"Bobby..." she said to him, instantly abandoning the "tough bitch" image and adopting a "caring lover" one.

"It's 'Robbie'", Evita corrected the unknown magnetic woman. Did she know Bobb...eer, Robbie? What did she want with him? She certainly seemed like a former girlfriend...and not the indifferent kind. Evita instantly realised the threat that the newcomer posed to her love affair with Robbie. She had better show some spirit if she didn't want to lose him over that hideous green-haired bitch.

"Bobby..." Lorna kept on, ignoring the bizarre corrections from the other woman, "...I...I know that I had been less than understanding those last weeks with you. But it was until the other day that I realised I loved you. At the wedding you said that you loved me, Bobby. You still do, right? Or did a simple crappy cruise change you so quickly?"

"It's ROBBIE! R-O-B-B-I-E!" Evita repeated. Although everyone could tell that the misnaming was the last thing that bothered her in Lorna's words.

"What's with that bitch anyway? Does she look after you new pet bunny or something? Or is she Jubilee's girlfriend?"

"M-mffff-mrrrrrgggghhhh!!!!" was all that a frustrated Jubilee could say through the duct tape covering her mouth, still tied up and in the arms of two huge Al Qaeda guys.

"I'm sorry, I always thought you were gay." Lorna said apologetically. She then turned her attention back to Bobby and the
pet-care woman.

"So, what do you have to say?"

Bobby/Robbie just stood there, speechless. He had been Robbie those few days. He met a new love interest, hanged around with her and his friends (or just her, more likely) and found a new meaning in his always-do-gooding mess of a life. And now Lorna herself had came out of nowhere and was calling him with his old name, urging him back to his old life, which could worth something after all. So it had come to this. He had to choose -yet again. Would he give up everything and live a new life with Evita? Or this new life would be proven a mistake as soon as they got out of the happy cruise and got used to the rhythm of a normal life? What could be the best for him? Lorna or Evita? His life with the X-Men or a new one with his non-X-woman girlfriend? Or maybe...?

Yes. He had now made his choice.

Too bad that in all that big pause, Evita couldn't stand it and she answered for herself;

"That's my boyfriend over here, you crazy bitch! What right do you have to claim him from me?"

Lorna shot a look at Evita.

Evita shot it back at Lorna.

The whole room froze, focusing on the incoming catfight.

Jack, still onstage, helped the F.o.H. captain on his feet and they both watched with a wicked grin.

Logan raised an eyebrow and prayed that Lorna would take that bitch out of the way for him.

The W.O.L.F. members, still remaining in the room after realising that Wolvie was there, also looked at both green-haired psychos.

Jubilee, always in her salami imitation, silently hoped that Lorna would pay for calling her a lesbian.

Bobby decided to let it go. This situation could only help him confirm his choice.

The DJ responsible for the earlier show from Dazzler, made the strategic choice to play "Carmina Burana" on the speakers. The epic sound inwardly prepared everyone present for the equally epic incoming battle.

Lorna locked eyes with Evita, letting her know that she would be her next target.

Evita got up from her chair and they started walking in a circle, facing each other viciously.

"Bring it on, biatch." Evita spoke up, twirling a finger around her left skull earring.

"You had it coming, whore." Polaris responded with a snobbish grin.

Summoning her magnetic powers, Polaris made all the abandoned furniture in the lounge fly in circles around Evita and, eventually, straight toward her. But somehow, that lucky bitch avoided all of the incoming chairs and tables, without even moving around to dodge them.

One of the chairs hit Bobby lightly on the thigh. A table flew straight towards Logan, but he popped up his claws and sliced it up in milliseconds, causing his groupies to cheer in awe. Another one landed just inches from Jubilee's head, who had now been set on the floor by her guards.

"What?!?" Lorna mouthed in surprise. Not only she missed, but she hit nearly everyone else present but her actual target.

Evita just smirked.

Lorna summoned more chairs, even some guns that the F.o.H. thugs had on them earlier and magnetically threw them with force to her enemy.

All of them miserably missed, crashing on the wall behind the ever-smirking Evita.

Polaris, being frustrated more than ever in her life before (except maybe for the time that Alex dumped her at the altar, which caused her losing all these cool wedding gifts) summoned all of her power and unleashed a massive charge of magnetic force towards everywhere. The pure energy lashed roaring towards every direction possible, pretty much in a Dragonball style.

When everything calmed down, Polaris looked around to see what she had achieved.

Bobby was now thrown off his chair, sitting on the floor and rubbing his aching rear from the fall.

Logan's hair was sticking up more than ever before, having been immensely magnetised.

The two guards above jubilee had now been thrown back and had hit the wall, falling unconscious.

The ship's captain had probably been thrown out of the room, and the guy that stood beside his was still in front of the microphone, though ducking all this time.

Some group of girls were picking themselves from the floor on the other side of the room.

The bunny was still in the same place, having grabbed on the carpet with its huge claws all that time (CLAWS?).

But her opponent was still standing where she stood before, still smirking, not even a single green hair of hers touched.

"Aaaaargh!!! HOW ON EARTH DOES SHE DO THAT?????!?" Lorna yelled to nobody in particular in order to express her utter frustration.

Logan sneaked up next to her and tipped her shoulder.

"What now?" Lorna shot at him with ultra bitchiness.

Logan just gave her the hint she needed. "Her power's that way. She jinxes people around her, especially those who oppose her. You'll never get her by using your powers. Try the traditional way instead."

"Oh yeah? And what's that way?" Lorna asked.

Evita just looked at the two of them in confusion. Why would that growly friend of Robbie's coach that total bitch against his best pal's girlfriend?

"Your fists, of course." Logan said, completing his little coaching session with Lorna.

"I'm gonna kick your ass in the actual meaning of the word then, bitch." Lorna said, turning her attention to her enemy.

"C'mon. Make. My. Day." was the other woman's response, just as "Carmina Burana" was close to reaching its climax.

They lashed at each other and began cat-fighting...or bitch-fighting is more like it in that instance.

Everyone present who wasn't still dizzy from Polaris' magnetic attack focused at the ongoing fight. A cloud almost formed around the two contestants, green hair flashing around once in a while, growls and yelling and punching and crashing could be heard all the time from that direction.

Logan couldn't believe his eyes; never in his entire memorised life had two women fought for his eyes, yet Popsicle could from now on brag about that happening to him.

Bobby instead watched with mysterious shadows over his eyes, almost looking like he wasn't really interested in the outcome, but simply curious.

Jubilee felt lucky that her eyes hadn't been tied as well and she was granted to see that spectacle.

A couple of minutes later, both women withdrawed from the fight, seemingly tired. The marks on both of them betrayed very minor injuries, and nobody seemed to be winning up to then. And that was exactly what was happening. Evita's jinx factor never allowed Lorna to manage a good strike on her, but on the other hand Evita was way too inexperienced in close combat to aggressively pose a threat to Lorna's well-being.

So none of them had the upper hand. Evita could see that her usefulness in battle would prove fatal for her eventually. She had to do something before they resumed fighting.

Lorna leered at her opponent through short breaths. That lucky bitch would miraculously dodge all of her heavy-handed attacks. But she knew that if they kept going like that she wouldn't keep dodging her forever. A vein on her forehead began pulsing and she looked at Bobby's current girlfriend through burrowed, sweaty brows.

"I'll get you eventually, little whore. I'll get you..." she whispered to her general direction.

Evita knew that the other woman knew well what she was saying. She thought quickly, trying to hastily come up with an idea that would make her a winner.

Her eyes travelled over her ever-faithful pet. Fluffy was still sitting next to her chair, snorting all the time.

"That's it! I'll use my karate-bunny to kick that bitch's ass! As soon as her face will hit the floor, it won't matter if I used my pet to knock her out!" were the brilliant thoughts that nestled into her mind.

But the way she expressed her ideas wasn't equally brilliant.

"KARATE-BUNNY! GET THAT GREEN-HAIRED BITCH!!!" she screamed with a really nasty voice.

Everyone turned his attention to the invincible bunny now. Fluffy hid a bunny-smirk under his bunny-moustache, got up from the place he was sitting on and approached the battle scene.

Then the bunny promptly proceeded to kicking the ass of BOTH green haired-bitches!

"Ohmigod..." Jubilee thought to herself, since she couldn't speak up for it anyway. "Stupid ole Evita never clarified WHICH green-haired bitch her bunny should beat up...way to go, Smart-ass."

Now both Evita and Lorna laid unconscious on the lounge's floor. The bunny scooped its feet on their limp bodies and then made its glorious, dramatic exit.

Logan, surprised at the turn of events, looked at Bobby, who looked at the two women that loved (?) him, who in turn looked nowhere, since their eyes were closed and unconscious.

Logan approached Bobby and put a hand on his shoulder. "How do you feel about this Bob...eer, can I call you Bobby?"

"I'm not sure how I should feel. Look at those two," he said, nodding at the unconscious women, "they practically fought for me. I should feel flattered because of this, but, I don't know. How can somebody respect a woman who jumps in a catfight for a man's sake? Those two had no tact, no self-respect, not anything...I think I'll just-"

"AHEM! EXCUSE ME!" Jack screamed from his former position, beside the mic. "Now that those two bitches are out of the picture, can I proceed to taking the damned ship over and making the Americans pay for their crimes against Islam?"

Logan, Bobby, the W.O.L.F. members and some other mutants that had remained there all turned towards the wannabe-hijacker. They all yelled in unison: "NO!!!"

"NO? NOOO? WHY NOT? I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT! I WILL HAVE YOU KILLED, TIED ON THE BOAT'S GRATINGS AND BLOWN UP ALONG WITH THE REST OF THIS FREAKIN SHIP!"

"You and what army...?" Logan calmly said, pointing at Jack all the Al Qaeda men that had lost their weapons during Lorna's appearance and were later knocked out when Lorna unleashed her massive magnetic charge.

"Uhm...good point." Jack whispered, trying to find a solution to his minor problem. "A-ha!" he exclaimed, getting a small gun from his pocket. "Here" he said, as he shot Logan.

Now, Jack wasn't really a man of action. He was just a scientist, who happened to admire Osama Bin Laden and work for him. So the bullet barely missed Logan, only managing to shave the tip of his left sideburn.

Logan put his left hand on his sideburn, where there should be more hair at the time. He growled menacingly and leered at Jacks' direction.

His W.O.L.F. groupies however didn't have the same cool reaction. After gasping at the man's audacity to shoot Logan in the face, they collected themselves together and marched towards the stage, looking at Jack as if he was a little chicken that would provide their prey.

"Lynch the bastard!" Marie, the proud W.O.L.F. leader ordered the others, as she led the lynch mob towards Jack herself.

"Uh-Oh..." Jack thought, giving some rapid thinking to the situation, trying to find a way out. He eventually thought of
something.

"I'm sorry it had to be this way...." he whispered to nobody in particular, as he reached for something into his large pocket. He picked out a magazine, he stroked its cover with regret while saying goodbye to it, and then proceeded to throw it in front of the lynch mob threatening his life.

The W.O.L.F pack leader looked at the magazine with curiosity... "What the hell? A Playgirl?"

Picking it up, she quickly raced through the magazine's pages and stopped in some certain ones. Her eyes grew really large, as she was rendered speechless from what she saw. She eventually looked at the very weel-known figure at the cover and gawked as well. She then turned to the other W.O.L.F. members and said with a shaky voice:

"Wo-wolvie...is...in this mag..."

Another groupie approached her, put her hand on the magazine, trying to take it from the leader and see what's inside. The leader resisted. She would never let that magazine go. So the other groupie had to look at tit while it still was in the other one's hands. And she did.

"OH MY GOD! THERE'S WOLVIE IN THIS MAGAZINE!!! AND HE'S NAKED!!!!" She screamed with a pitch voice, causing all the others to pay total attention to her.

Upon hearing these words, everyone lashed at those two and the Playgirl, wanting to get a grip on it and look at the heavenly pictures.

Soon, all of the groupies were fighting over the tortured Playgirl, slapping each other in the attempt to get the Playgirl for themselves. A big cloud began to form around them.

Jubilee, upon hearing what that Playgirl was about, ripped apart her restraints with an unusually superhuman strength and lashed into the big fighting cloud as well. "I'm sorry Wolvie" she apologised while still in mid-air.

Jack couldn't help but smile at his own brilliance. "See, Wolverine? This magazine was really important to me, but I had to sacrifice it in order to get the perfect distraction. Now I can easily achive what I want."

Wolverine was a bit overwhelmed at his naked form being sold for a distraction, but he still fought the urge to jump in the fighting cloud and rip the offending magazine apart. He had to face the imminent danger on this boat and that was more important. He still didn't answer to Jack though.

"See this little beeper here? It's no normal beeper you know. It controls the explosives downstairs. I can control if they're going to go off instantly, or if there's going to be a deadline before they go off. Now, everyone had better back off, or I'll make them blow up in a second and we're all going straight to hell. Capisce?"

Bobby and Logan nodded with a hypnotised expression. Everyone else was busy trying to get their hands on the Playgirl's issue from April 1973.

Jack looked at his beeper and gasped in surprise. "I don't get it...why are the explosives to go off in half an hour? There must have been some mistake..." he said and began hitting the buttons on the beeper, cursing and cussing all the time.

Bobby and Logan looked at Jack with dismay.

"I think I know what happened..." Bobby pointed out at a desperate Jack. "When Polaris set off her major magnetic charge, it must have somehow affected your beeper. I don't think you can do anything else with that beeper anymore."

"DAMN! This explosion must NOT be thrown in the wind! I must get this ship somewhere where it would pose a threat to more people's lives! I think the Canary Islands must be close enough to reach in half an hour!" he said and then went off to find his Seductress and change the boat's directions.

"Shit! This madman wants to kill as many people as possible to make his point! I'm going after him. Drake, get Jubilee out of this fight and help her evacuate the ship! You get me? Nobody must be on this boat in 28 minutes from now." Logan was put into 'leader mode' instantly.

"Understood. But, Logan...what about you?" Bobby voiced his concerns. Logan going all sacrificial was such a cliche.

"No worries. A petty explosion should be no match for my healing factor. Now get to work, boy!" he said, and then went after the Al Qaeda scientist.

**********************

Lola was really pissed off.

Michelle was equally pissed off.

Those madmen had abducted them from their own cabins tied them up and locked them in some kind of chopper, for no apparent reason.

They were also terribly bored. Those bastards had left them tied up, so they couldn't move their hands and have a little chat with each other while waiting for someone to show up.

Yup, there were certainly some major handicaps for mute girls like them. If they weren't mutes, they would be able to chat as much as they want.

But wait, no. They wouldn't. Those stupid ape men had also muffled the poor mute girls. So even if they weren't mutes, they would be unable to chat at that particular time.

What's the point in muffling two mute girls, anyway?

**********************

"Are you okay?" Bobby asked with concern on his voice at a bedazzled Jubilee. She seemd to have gotten dizzy from all the fighting.

Bobby had to freeze the magazine that had been the purpose for all the fighting and chip it into little pieces for the fight to calm down. Of course the insane Wolverine groupies had wanted Bobby's ass for destroying the last remaining issue of April 1973, but as soon as they were informed that they were all going to die within 30 minutes they forgot all about the stupid porn magazine.

So Bobby and Jubes sent the W.O.L.F. members to spread the word around the ship about the forthcoming explosion ,and also tell everyone to gather at the upper deck if they wanted to escape the ship before it went boom.

Soon, a really huge bunch of panicky mutants was flooding the decks, desperate for salvation. The especially designed boats were filled and released in practically no time, leaving many frustrated mutants still on the boat.

Thankfully, Bobby had been wise enough to use his powers at the maximum and create a really huge iceberg next to the ship, big enough to comfort all those who hadn't made it to the boats.

An ice bridge connected the iceberg to the ship for easier access to the lifesaving piece of ice. The people that had been partying back at "Rectum's" ball masque were the first to get on the iceberg, and of everyone currently present, only Bobby and Jubilee managed to recognise the man who got first of all on the iceberg and comfortably sat on the higher point of its icy peak.

The man had a dark complexion and was dressed in a skimpy mermaid suit (the ball masque was in a gay bar, remember?). Glitter was covering most of his body, but Bobby and Jubes managed to see through the disguise and make who he was.

It was Osama Bin Laden.

They looked at each other with a really shocked expression, the one that everyone else in their shoes would have if a dream that they had was actually proven to be a premonition.

Bin Laden was in clear discomfort about his predicament, but he tried to stay in character (the one of a happy drag queen) and began blowing small kisses to everyone around him.

Both Jubes and Bobby knew that they couldn't go hunting after Osama right now, as this action would put back their plans of evacuating the boat and could cost the lives of all those people on the iceberg. So they let him get away with it for the time being.

As soon as everyone was comfortable on the iceberg and the boat was really deserted, Jubilee shoot some of her plasmoids on the iceberg's bridge, making it break and pushing the iceberg away from the soon-to-explode-ship.

Now both Bobby and Jubilee stood all alone and considered their options. All the lifesaving little boats were far away by now. The iceberg was also gone, and the W.O.L.F. members were the last to enter it, carrying the limp bodies of Evita and Lorna with them as well. That meant that nobody else remained on the ship except for the two of them, Wolverine and the guys from F.o.H. and Al Qaeda who passed out in the lounge.

"How are we going to escape this death-trap, Icicle? Wolvie has his healing factor, but I don't think we could stand a major explosion like this as well. C'mon, think of something, we haven't got all time!!" Jubilee said, somewhat frustrated at her own lack of ideas.

"We have less than 10 minutes, to be exact. He would have no problem jumping off the ship; we're not gonna drown or something. I'm the Iceman, remember? I can freeze the surface of the sea and walk us to the shores."

"Are you nuts?!? I'm so NOT gonna walk all the way from here to Spain on frozen water! Get your freezing head to WORK, mister!"

"Well, we don't have to walk to Spain, you know. The Canary Islands are really close to the ship right now...and I could use an ice-slide till there since it's not that far away."

"I'd rather find a safer way than walking on the sea's surface for miles, thank you." Jubilee protested again. A small scratching noise drew her attention then.

She looked at her left, then at her right. Nothing in sight.

She turned her head towards Bobby again, but then felt the scratching again. Something was scratching at her foot.

She looked down at once and saw Fluffy, the karate-bunny scratching her shoe and looking up to her pleadingly.

"I know that what I'm going to say feels like a cliche, but I think it wants us to follow it." Bobby shared his point of view.

"I don't think that we should trust this bunny so easily. It's *evil*."

"C'mon, let's go. I really think we should follow it; do you think a single bunny can plot a human trap or something?"

"Yeah." Jubes said with a pout.

"Now you're just being childlike." he said as he grabbed her arm and half-dragged her with him, following the bunny with haste.

"Now you're just talking like your girlfriend back there."

"Evita? She's not my girlfriend anymore."

"I guessed so. I mean, after you let her alone on that iceberg and all. And not taking her side against Lorna earlier. So you're gonna hook up with Lorna again?"

"..."

"C'mon talk to me, Bob...wait a minute. Can I call you Bobby again? Or you'll stick with Robbie now that you think Bobby is "childlike"?"

"Eeeer...I'll take none of them. Call me Robert for now."

"Eeeeew! I liked the names that bitch was calling you MUCH better."

"Robert is the name I was actually given, you know. Bobby is the name I had back at the mansion. It represents my life with the X-Men, my goofball behaviour ack there, my miserable love-life..."

"...while Robbie represents a higher plane of your existence? Was being with Evita something that gave you a better meaning in life?" she interrupted with visible irony.

"Robbie was just the name Evita had baptised me with. Robbie was the man with no particular past who was spending a really good time on a cruising boat. And he just happened to also have a new girlfriend on board. And that's all that it was. The cruise is over, and Robbie is presumed dead."

"And he WILL be dead, if we don't get our asses outta this ship as soon as possible! Where is that bunny taking-heeeey! You're no Robbie anymore? Didn't you use to love Evita and wanted to marry her? What happened to that?"

"When Lorna -representative of my life back home- barged in and fought with Evita, I realised I couldn't become Robbie. My past would come back for me no matter how much I tried to change. I don't mean that mutant haters or super villains would come after me at the home I would share with Evita, but a past's a past and I can't move on without remembering it. I didn't love Evita, but the idea of getting away from everything. From Bobby Drake, tortured member of the X-Men with no private life. I have to embrace who I was before in order to have the chance to make a difference. I didn't need to be with Lorna OR Evita."

"So, you're telling me that Lorna barging in the ship made you un-love Evita...but not because you were willing to get back to Lorna? Is that it? You just see an ex and -puff! - You can say you don't want your current girlfriend, but not your ex either? Do you expect me to believe this crap? You're not Bobby, you're not Robbie, and you're Robert the crap-philosopher?!? GET A GRIP!"

Jubilee had managed to see through Bobby's excuses... because Bobby had blushed like a healthy tomato at the time...

"So what is it? Why did you dump Evita, huh? Speak up! I wanna know this before I die!"

Bobby blushed deeper. "Well, I had sex with Evita this noon..."

"...yeah? And?"

"She's horrible at bed." he said, turning his head to the opposite direction.

"Hah! Should have known! All men are the same! You're all sluts! Only base your relationships on sex-sex-sex!"

"Shush! I think I can tell where this bunny has taken us.."

"Don't change a subject on me!!!"

"...it's our way out of the ship!" Bobby added in content.

"Yaaayyyy!!!" Jubilee forgot all about slutty Bobby as she realised she wouldn't be forced to walk on ice for some miles today...or alternatively watch a huge explosion from a fatally close point of view.

"Look! Must be the chopper the F.o.H. captain was talking about! The one with the innocent humans inside!"

Jubilee opened the sliding door to the innards of the chopper, and Bobby walked inside and saw the two known faces of the bimbos that had ignored his flirting some days earlier.

"Hey! Those are the mutes the captain was talking about? I never realised those girls were mutes!" he said in surprise.

Lola and Michelle would have commented something on his stupidity, but they couldn't "talk" due to their restraints and even if they could they were too happy that they had been discovered to nag on their saviour.

***********************

Logan stood proudly above the slashed remains of the Pamela-Anderson-looking Seductress 3000. That robo-bitch wasn't a threat for the Canary Islands anymore. Hell, she barely was a threat for Logan. He slashed through her inner mechanisms within the first five seconds of their battle. It seemed that those cyborgs were designed and programmed for far more intricate actions than close combat.

He had turned the wheel in such a position that would lead the ship as far as possible from the closest islands and the iceberg that he saw being created by Popsicle at the back of the ship. Too bad that stupid bisexual scientist Jack wasn't around to see his creation destroyed.

Or was he?

"Way to go, Logan" Jack said, as he suddenly appeared and held a weird-looking weapon to Logan's direction.

Logan growled and prepared to attack, but Jack nodded at him not to.

"One shot of this especially designed weapon will be enough to take your powers away for an hour or so. And I really think you'll need that healing factor of yours when the explosives go off, right?"

"You have lost the game already, Jack. What do you want of me now?"

"Wish I knew. I could turn that wheel back towards the closest island, but even if it reaches them it won't be enough of a message to the world. You're right; I might just shoot you and get over with it. Make someone pay for all of this."

Logan was out of options now. He had to think quickly if he wanted to survive this situation; Jack wasn't the kind of guy that would bluff. The Seductress' intricate mechanisms proved that he was also capable of inventing a gun that neutralises mutant powers for some given time.

He had to think about the enemy's weaknesses. This was his only chance to provoke a distraction and save his ass. Then something flashed in his mind; all these Playgirls. Jack's praises to his hotness. Yeah, the enemy had the hots for him. Not so much that he wouldn't bear his death, but he could still lust after him.

With one mighty strike, Logan ripped off his tight wife beater and exposed Jack to some excellent eye-candy.

The sight of the hottest man on earth's rippling abs and mighty pecs was somewhat overwhelming for poor old Jack. He felt overexcited and dizzy. He began coming back to his senses, but it was far too late; Logan had taken advantage of these few seconds of weakness and had sliced his mutant-neutralising gun open. He was helpless now, so all he could do was glare a bit more at Logan's hot and rippling torso.

That eye-candy lasted only a few minutes, because Logan grabbed Jack and threw him overboard.

A few seconds later everything went blank, as the ship exploded and sent Logan flying on the air.

*************************

The mute girls named Lola and Michelle looked with mortification at the big explosion below them. Then they gripped harder at Bobby's lap, where they had been resting for the last few minutes.

"Lookidat big boom!" Lola hastily said to her comrade. "Thank god this kind guy came in the chopper and got us away from that doomed ship!"

"Yeah. Even if the ship wasn't going down ,who knows what the captain and his thugs had in store for us once they got back! This absolute cutie saved our speechless hides, without even holding a grudge for us not responding to his flirting the other day! He's a doll!"

They felt such a huge gratitude for the man that had saved their lives in the nick of time. Too bad he couldn't understand the mute language when they tried to communicate with him.

An adorable white bunny also rested beside their feet, obviously exhausted from that tiring night that was close to ending.

"You think Logan will be okay?" Jubilee asked Bobby in concern. She was sitting on the pilot's seat and doing the stuff a pilot should do. But she wasn't enjoying as much as she should, because she was thinking of Logan.

"He said the explosion couldn't harm him. I believe him." he murmured before drifting off to sleep. The mute bimbos were not sleeping however; they just gawked at their saviour's cute characteristics.

"Uh-oh, I think old 'Robert' will soon be getting himself some groupies..." Jubes thought to herself as she kept piloting the chopper towards the sunrise.

**********************

Logan woke up, feeling wetness around him.

It pretty much made sense, since he was on the sea's surface.

"Damn!" He thought. "That explosion must have really set me flying far away!" looking around, he could see no remains of the ship. Only a big mattress that was sailing on the surface, a good few meters away from him.

He had to swim to it and grab it, if he didn't want to go sown with the fish within the next few minutes. You see, the bad thing with his adamantium laced skeleton was that it was damn too heavy for him to stay on the water's surface for long. So he just had to hold on to something. That mattress seemed perfect.

He swiftly swam to it and got a grip on the left side of the mattress. A woman's body was lying on it. A survivor from the explosion, perhaps?

The lying woman was awake, as she turned around and gave him a huge smile; it was Kate!

"Aaaargh!!!" Logan screamed in surprise. He was trapped in the middle of the ocean with the last woman he would choose to be with; the ugly-as-hell wench that followed him around and had the nerve to try and seduce him!

"BABY! I knew that you wouldn't leave me here! So I can forgive you for what you've done. Come here and let me kiss you, hot lips!!"

Logan remained speechless and backed off. He ended up splashing in the water, but he was still hanging from the edge of the mattress.

Kate brought her hands up to where his were and tried to bring him up by grabbing them and pulling on them. He wouldn't budge, however.

"No! Baby, you can't die on me...!"

Logan considered his options...apparent death at the bottom of the ocean or being deserted in the middle of the aforementioned ocean with the ugliest bitch ever?

"...not now that we are back together!!!"

Agonising death all the way.

Logan imitated the best Leo Di Caprio Titanic death scene that he could and slowly let his hands go out of reach for Kate. He slowly slipped into the water, ignoring her cries and wailing.

When his ears were too underwater, he felt happy that he couldn't listen to her anymore.

As he kept his descent to the depths of the ocean, Logan was beginning to lose consciousness. Air was escaping his lungs, and no new air would come to replace it.

But then he felt two pairs of delicate hands stroking his own hands and back.

A pretty redhead face came in front of his and kissed him without asking.

Then Logan felt fresh air filling his lungs, and he managed to look better at the creature in front of him.

It was a mermaid! A really gorgeous mermaid with big boobs, a fish tail and red hair that was pointing at all directions in the water.

Next to him there was another mermaid. She also was a redhead and she looked a bit like the other one. She was smiling welcomingly at him.

The two otherworldly creatures dragged Logan further into the dark territories of the uncharted depths.

********************

EPILOGUE (Uh oh...!)

Bobby Drake, using the escaping chopper, ended up in Iceland, along with the two indebted mute bimbos, Lola and Michelle. There, both girls confessed that they had fallen hard for him. So, he converted into Islam, so that he could marry both of them, and made himself a little harem. Now, you can imagine how sweet life can be when you're a guy married to TWO hot chicks who are also unable to talk and therefore mumble, grumble, nag at you like most wives do. So the three of them, like a happy family, spent an equally happy life with lots of kids from both women. Thus, Bobby was somewhat repaid for his horrid love life up till then. What a lucky guy!

Jubilee, crushed from Logan's disappearance and having found a new perspective on men after her disastrous affair with Jack, went off to Holland. There, she became a very successful pimp for male prostitutes. She became devastatingly rich and she eventually bought the Playgirl magazine, for which all the male X-Men posed in the very next issue, which was an "X-Mas special". Jubilee is currently living in Playgirl mansion. Fluffy the karate-bunny is her exclusive bodyguard.

Osama Bin Laden surprisingly avoided being arrested from the Spanish cops that recollected the survivors on the iceberg. The poor bastards apparently mistook him for a simple drag queen. However, Osama caught a cold from sitting semi-naked on a huge, freezing iceberg and died dishonourably within the next three days.

Jack swam up to the shores of the Canary Islands all by himself, and thus also avoided arrest. Unfortunately for him, the word about his robotic creations got out in the world, and inevitably reached the ears of the celebs he made his cyborgs look like. Carmen Electra and Pamela Anderson sued him for messing up with their image. Yasmine Bleeth also set a detective on him, who discovered all of her stolen underwear in Jack's place. Jack lost everything he had and he's currently a beggar residing in the streets of L.A.

Jean Grey was majorly pissed off. Bobby didn't return happy; he didn't return at all, to be more exact, since he ran off to Iceland with some mute bubbleheads. Jubilee also ran off to a European country and Logan was presumed dead. That means 0 out of three. That was NOT what she expected to come off this cruise. So, guess who was the one to pay for all of these? Yes, Lorna, since she was the only one to return from the cruise, and she wasn't even supposed to be their in the first place! So, Lorna met her match in utter bitchiness.

Evita's further path in life isn't so clear, but she was once seen in Las Vegas and she was winning in Blackjack. Everyone around her was losing, of course.

Kate never got married. That was fortunate, because her genes weren't passed on.

After Logan's apparent demise, the organisation known as W.O.L.F. changed its function. They lanced a CD named "Tribute to Wolverine" that resembled the tributes to Notorious B.I.G., with the participation of stars like Eminem, Sarah Brightman and Diana Krall. It wasn't successful, because the people wouldn't believe that Wolverine was dead, and always said that he was hiding somewhere along with Elvis.

And Logan really wasn't dead. He had been dragged in an underwater kingdom inhabited by mermaids. There were no mermen in that kingdom, so the poor mermaids had to bring strong outlanders like Logan there and breed with them. Logan spent the rest of his life in a cosy underwater apartment "fertilizing" mermaid hotties. He was happy to oblige. After all, all of those mermaids were redheads. And we all know how Logan has a thing for redheads.



~THE END~

Phew, that was BIG!
At last, it's ended.
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