Anticipation

by Holly

Fandom: Xmen

Pairing: None

Rating: PG

Series: Companion piece to Reverie

Reverie 2: Anticipation
by Holly

Scared…that’s how I feel, not that I can show it. I haven’t made it this far without learning something about showing fear. Fear is weakness. I can’t be weak.

Lonely…that’s how I feel, not that I haven’t brought it on myself. This should be the happiest day of my life, but I’ve managed to destroy everything I hold dear. Loneliness is my penance. I deserve this.

I know I’ll survive. I always do. Whether it’s a curse or a blessing, I don’t know. I made the mistake of thinking that things would be better, that my life could change, that I would finally find the security I’ve spent my whole life chasing. I was wrong.

What hurts most is knowing that I’ve let Poppa down. He’s given me everything that I never thought I could have…that I never thought I deserved, but I’ve proven myself unworthy. Surprise.

Regret…that’s what I feel, not that there’s any way to rectify it now. I couldn’t if I wanted to. To do it would be to admit that I’m capable of being hurt. To show my weakness. I can’t be weak.

I never told him how much I loved him, never let down the walls I’d built to shield my vulnerability…never showed him just how much he means to me. I was afraid…am afraid, and because of that fear I lost my only opportunity to truly let him know the depth of my love for him. I pretended no one could hurt me, that all the trials and terrors of my life had somehow managed to leave me without any permanent scars. I pushed him away, pretended that I didn’t need anyone. Oh, God, how I wish I had just had the courage to just admit that I was terrified. Maybe things would be different if I had.

Everything inside of me is screaming for me to go to him, hug him and tell him everything…tell him how much I love him, how sorry I am for letting him down…tell him that I’m scared and need him more than anything else in the world. I want to throw myself into those strong arms and just let go…let go of all the grief and pain and fear that I’ve been carrying around my whole life, but I can’t.

I don’t know what’s waiting for me out there, but whatever it is, I’m going to have to face it alone. As always. I can only hope that someday I can make things right, that I can find the courage I need to be weak.

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned…

END