Title: Walking Dreams
Author: Bozzalev
bozzalev@aol.com
Archive: Sure! Just tell me where!
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters (unfortunately--to have my very own Chamber!!) and could barely afford this computer, so don't sue me.
Rating: PG with this one, but others to come will be NC-17
Pairing: Chamber/Nightcrawler (unusual, I know...but my mind is not usual)
Summary: Chamber is confused when he discovers Nightcrawler in his room one night....
Notes: I'm not sure how long this fic will be. It just came to me one night and I've been writing since. This one is from Chamber's POV, and if I do another it may be from Nightcrawler's POV.
Walking Dreams
by Bozzalev
Little known fact at the X-mansion: Kurt Wagner, affectionately known as Nightcrawler, sleepwalks. I know, I know, kind of a shock. Yer wouldn't look at him and say, "That chap sleepwalks." But what's even more of a shock is yer wakin' up in the middle of the bloody night to find him standin' by yer bed like a zombie. Really, let's think about this fer a second: yer in yer bed, lightly sleepin' and somethin'- that same part of yer brain that secretly knows when yer bein' watched, I guess- pulls yer awake. And there, standin' at the foot of yer bed is a dark figure. Not just dark, but a yellow-eyed, pointy-eared, perhensile-tailed dark figure. Looming. While yer were sleepin'. It scares the bloody hell outta yer. Needless ter say, I jumped outta bed. Of course, I didn't know what ter do. I'd heard that yer weren't supposed ter wake them, so I left him there ter get Dr. McCoy. When I returned with the good doctor- who was pleasantly concerned ("No one in the mansion has had somnambulism before," he said like a giddy schoolgirl)- Wagner had sat down on me bed. The doc apologized fer the scare and led Wagner back ter his room.
I didn't say anythin' ter Wagner the next day, thinkin' it might be embarrassing fer him. But he acted like nothin' ever happened in the first place. I guess he didn't remember it, but I didn't care anyway. It was over and done with, even if it had been a bit creepy. I was ready ter forget about it. Unfortunately, Wagner was not.
It happened again the next night.
I was restless. I had been layin' in bed fer at least three hours, and sleep would not take me. I stared at the shadows on my wall, memorizin' their patterns. My body was tired, but my mind refused ter give in. As usual, my self-loathing and loneliness washed over me. I thought of everythin'...my life before the bandages, my life at the Academy, Angelo, Gayle, Paige.... So many thoughts tumblin' over each other, and sleep was not one of them. I was so wrapped up in me thoughts, I didn't hear the door open. I just... suddenly felt a presence.
I reached over and turned on the lamp by my bed. And, sure enough, there he was, standin' at the foot of me bed, starin' at me with his yellow eyes. I sighed a soft inward sigh and sat up. Was this gonner happen every night? Why was he comin' ter my room? The mansion was HUGE, and somehow he'd ended up in my room two nights in a row. Curious.
Since I couldn't sleep anyway, I decided ter take a good look at him. His short dark hair was ruffled from sleep, and the only thing he was wearing was a pair of light gray cotton shorts. His tail, which normally twitched around him, was hangin' lifeless behind him. He was thin and graceful, but all his grace was gone right now.
From the first time I met Wagner, I was fascinated with him. There was somethin' so innocent ter him. I mean, yeah he looks like a blue demon, but his personality is soft and comforting, and he's such a gentleman. I'd only talked ter him a handful of times, mostly just hellos and good days. I wanted ter talk ter him more, but my insecurity always flared whenever he came around.
After Paige, I did a lot of soul-searchin'. I came ter the conclusion (after many sleepless nights, mind yer) that I was attracted ter both sexes. Why limit meself? If I could find comfort- both physical and emotional- from the same sex, why should I shun it? Before I left the Academy ter come here, I confided in Angelo that I was bi, which was the hardest thing I ever had ter do. Ange understood me more'n anyone, but I wasn't sure he'd understand this. Ter my great relief, he did. Very well. So well, in fact, we messed around fer a while. But we'd decided that our friendship was too precious. We were like brothers. And we left it at that.
But I didn't need any soul-searchin' ter know that I was attracted ter this small blue man before me. I'd only been at the mansion fer a couple weeks, but the first time I'd talked ter Wagner I had a strong fantasy of runnin' me hands down his bare chest ter see if that fur of his was as soft as it looked. It'd been so strong, in fact that I worried if I had projected it ter him. But he never gave me a dirty look or said anythin' ter me.
Now he was standin' in front of me, not really aware of what was goin' on. I could live my fantasy, run hands over his chest.... I shook my head, willin' it ter go away. That was the last thing I should be doin'. I stood from the bed and debated on whether I should get Dr. McCoy again. Maybe I could just lead Wagner back ter his room like the doc did last night....
*Er, Kurt...* I said, walkin' closer ter him. I stopped myself before I touched him. Did I really want him ter leave? No, but I couldn't be greedy. *Nightcrawler,* I said, a little louder now, reaching up and touchin' his naked shoulder lightly. A pleasant heat spread down my arm, makin' me gasp. His fur was softer than anythin' in me fantasies. It was very short, like velvet, but not as rough. Soft, so soft.
He took in a deep breath and blinked several times. I stood back from him, watchin' as confusion twisted his thin, handsome face. He looked down at himself, realizing he was standin' and not in his bed. He mumbled somethin' in German, then his big yellow eyes met mine.
"Mein Gott, vere am I?" he asked, still disoriented. I 'smiled'.
*Yer in me room, mate,* I told him softly. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously and took a step back, his tail twitching. I realized with a start that he must've thought I brought him here against his will or somethin'. *Yer were sleepwalking,* I added quickly. He relaxed a bit, but not much.
"Sleep...walking?" he asked, runnin' a hand through his hair. I nodded, suddenly feelin' awkward.
*Erm, it happened last night, too.* Shit, why did I just say that? Ok, Jono, let's make him feel even worse! *Yer want me ter get the doctor?* He walked past me ter my bed and sat down on the edge, elbows on knees and face in hands. His tail curled around him, like a cat. Fer several seconds, we did nothin', the air suddenly tense. *Kurt....?*
"Ja," he said softly, lookin' up at me. "Sorry. I had problems with sleepwalking as a child." He looked away again, his eyes swimmin' with memories. I got the impression from him that he wanted someone to confide in, so I sat down next to him. Not too close, but close enough if he wanted a shoulder ter cry on.
*Why? What causes it?* He shrugged a casual shrug, makin' it look graceful.
"Stress. Anxiety. I vas told I vould grow out of it, eventually. But now...." He trailed off, goin' back ter his memories. I could understand how he would have stress and anxiety growin' up as a kid, lookin' the way he did. "I don't understand vhy it's happening again." With those words, at that very moment, I decided ter be very brave.
*Do yer wanner... talk... about anythin'?* He chuckled softly, and I felt a hot flash of anger. Damn it, I was tryin' ter help him and he was laughin' at me. I stood. *Well, if yer don' mind, I'd like ter get back ter sleep.* The bitterness in my voice was sharp enough to cut. He looked utterly surprised, and a little hurt.
"I just didn't think you vould want to be kept up all night listening to my self-pity stories. I meant not to upset you." I felt like the biggest arse in the world right then. Should I apologize? The most I could do was make light of it.
*Eh well, I can't sleep anyway, and besides, if anyone can handle self-pity stories it's me.* I tried ter keep the embarrassment out of my voice and sat back down beside him. He looked at me then, really studyin' me, and I saw his eyes drift down ter my bandages. I fought the urge ter be angry again and look away.
"Ja," he whispered, nodding. "Ja." There was a momentary pause, then, "Vhy do you hide from everyone?" The question caught me off-guard.
*Uh, hide?* He nodded.
"Ja, you are so closed off from everyone. Vhy?" My nostrils flared in anger, and there was no stoppin' what came outta me mouth.
*Well, if yer face an' chest blew up, yer'd be the same way! Never able ter smile or talk with yer own voice again!* I didn't mean fer it to come out soundin' as rough as it did, honest, but I couldn't do anythin' now. My short fuse was really gonner get me in trouble one day. To my complete surprise, he smiled a mournful smile.
"You and I have a lot in common. Ve both hate our physical appearance. You vear a mask of loneliness to hide behind and I... I have my own mask of friendliness. I have spent my entire life trying not to be vhat people see. They see me and they run." He shook his head, looking down. "They do not stop to see the real person...."
What a beautiful person yer are, I wanted ter say. But bein' the no-self-esteem tosser I am, I kept me mouth shut. I refused ter make a fool of myself in front of this beautifully gentle, yet haunted man.
Wagner stood abruptly, startlin' me. "I should get back to bed," he mumbled and started fer the door. I couldn't help the wave of disappointment that washed over me. He stopped at the door and turned back ter look at me. "I appreciate you listening, Jonothan."
*Jono,* I blurted.
"Vhat?"
*Jono. Call me Jono or Chamber. Jus' not Jonothan.* He nodded and turned to leave. Meanwhile, I was mentally slappin' myself. Why couldn't I have just said, "Yeah, I enjoyed listenin'. Come back anytime"? I was such a bloody idiot.
*Kurt, wait,* I said before he shut the door. He peeked back in, lookin' expectant. *If... if yer need ter- or want ter- talk more, yer welcome anytime.* There, I said it. He smiled, flashing fangs, and I sooo wanted ter jump him right there. Compose yerself, Jono.
"I might take you up on that offer. Danke schön. Gute Nacht, Jono." I about melted when he said my name with his accent, but I just nodded and watched as he closed my door.
When he was gone, I sighed wistfully and climbed back inter bed. I felt better than I had in days, and I fell inter a deep, dreamless sleep
Part 2
Nightcrawler's POV
I do not know why fate led me into Jonothan Starsmore's room that night. Whatever the reason, I was grateful. It was the first time we had actually held a conversation together, and even in that little bit of time I felt a strong kinship to him. We could relate to each other the way some of the other X-Men could not. I was definitely going to take him up on his offer to talk.
I walked down the hall after I left his room with my mind swirling. It was exciting to have someone new to talk to, but I was more than a little upset that sleepwalking was what led me to him. I told him that I couldn't understand why it was happening, but deep down I knew. I knew. And it was not easy.
It was something I had been avoiding since childhood. Something I pushed away during adolescence. Something I denied when my faith sky-rocketed. It was sinful. Right? To look at others of the same sex as more than just friends and companions. It was not normal. Not accepted. I had spent my entire life trying to make others see me for who I was and not what I looked like. But did I even know who I was? There was a part of me deep down, so deep, that was attracted to men. But it was wrong. Right?
The first time I was strongly attracted to another man, I ran to my room and prayed. I prayed until I exhausted myself. I asked God why. Why was I feeling these emotions? If it was wrong, why was He putting me through this. Wasn't He putting me through enough by giving me the appearance I had? It was a test of my faith, I told myself. He was tempting me to see how I would come out in the end. But it was cruel. So cruel. So, I pushed it down, denied it, hated it, hated myself. And a little tiny, tiny part of me hated Him. Hated Him for giving me these emotions and telling me not to indulge in them, that they were wrong.
I fell even more deeply into my faith after that. If it was wrong, as the Bible and church says so adamantly, I would rid myself of those feelings if it cost me my last breath. And I got so good at denying, so good at pushing it away, that I felt renewed. I had been... saved.
And then Jonothan Starsmore came into my life.
When we were introduced, I remember feeling intrigued by him. We shook hands, said hellos. Then it happened. A thought was projected to me-unintentionally, I am sure-of his hands running down my bare chest seductively. It shocked me to no end. I pretended not to notice and had to hide the reaction of my body. It sparked a fire in me I thought I had long ago put out. I lusted after him (God help me, did I ever!) and I could not get him out of my head after that. I fought with my feelings everyday afterwards, especially when I saw him.
I am assuming that is where the sleepwalking comes in. I fought with myself every waking hour, but when I slept my subconscious took over, taking me to his room-the one place I go when I allow myself a couple of seconds of fantasy. It was embarrassing to have been woken up in his room, but it could have been worse. I could have been groping him instead of just standing there.
********
I knocked on his door the next evening. My religion said I could not lust after him, but it did not say I could not be his friend. After a moment, he opened it. His dark hair was rumpled, like he'd just woke up. He was wearing a long-sleeved black shirt that looked like it was two sizes too big for him and baggy black jeans. His big brown eyes were a little surprised, but he stepped aside to let me in.
*Kurt,* he said in that lovely deep voice. *I wasn't expectin' yer.* I smiled innocently and stepped into his room. He closed the door and I looked around. I hadn't really had the chance to last night. The sheets on his bed were-surprise-black and tossed around. He had several CD cases lying around on the floor, and the stereo was playing some kind of heavy, depressing music.
"Uh, vell, you offered to talk last night, and there vas something I vanted to talk to you about." He nodded and went to his stereo.
*Yeah, okay.* He turned the music off, and I have to say I was a little glad. It was not bad, but it was not my type of music. *Yer can sit down on the bed, mate. Sorry it's a little messy in here,* he said as he smoothed the sheets out. I stood back and watched him, my eyes drifting down to his shapely bottom. I appreciated the view for a couple seconds, then realized what I was doing and quickly adverted my gaze. Heat spread up to my face, and for a rare instant I was glad I was fur-covered and blue so he could not see the evidence of my shame.
He turned back to me and gave a little nod, and we both sat down. For a couple seconds, the silence hung heavy and awkward. "I vanted to explain last night-" I started. He held up a hand and his eyes crinkled in what must have been a smile.
*It's okay, mate. No explanations needed. I was actually grateful for the interruption from my usual downward loathing.* That stopped me. Is that what he does every night? Hate himself until sleep bestows mercy on him?
"Jono...." He seemed to realize he said the wrong thing. He looked away and fidgeted.
*Er, I mean, I wasn't sleepin' anyway. What did yer wanner tell me about yer sleepwalkin'?* He changed the subject so fast, but I let it go. If he didn't want to talk about it now, that was fine. Maybe another day. I stared into his beautiful brown eyes and knew I wouldn't have the courage to confess my sins to him. Not today. *Kurt?*
"Oh, I vanted to tell you that I am sorry and that if it happens again, vake me up before I do anything stupid!" I told him with a laugh. He chuckled softly in my head, and it made me warm inside to hear it.
*Consider it done. But, uh, ter be honest, yer seemed kinda listless, so I don' think I'll have ter restrain yer.* It was my turn to give a small laugh. We sat in silence for a bit after that, my mind racing. I did not want to go. I had to think of something to talk about before he kicked me out. Surprisingly, he spoke first. *Would yer like ter stay fer a while and talk?* he asked. *Yer don' have ter, mind yer,* he added quickly.
"I vould love to stay." And stay I did.
We talked. And talked. And talked. About my years with the circus. About his years before and during his time at the Academy. About anything that just happened to come up. We talked ourselves hoarse- well, I did, anyway, since Jono can't really get hoarse anymore. When I looked at the alarm clock on his night stand, it was nearly two in the morning.
"Mein Gott!" I said, standing. "Look at the time!" He did and shrugged.
*Yeah....* He stood with me. *Yer gonner leave?* I yawned and stretched stiff limbs, then nodded sheepishly.
"Ja, I should. I have training tomorrow." He groaned. "Vith Scott." He groaned louder.
*Better you than me, mate.* We both laughed. *I really had fun with yer, Kurt. It was nice ter...talk ter someone again.* He reached out and embraced me, his thin arms wrapping around me like a warm blanket. It unraveled me. Something inside me let loose. I pulled back from him and his eyes were full of need and wanting, matching my own. He lifted a hand to my face and caressed my cheek softly, then moved it down the hollow of my neck. Every touch was like fire, igniting sparks all over my body. He bent down and nuzzled my neck softly. I pulled him closer to me and lifted his face to kiss his cheek. His hands kneaded my back gently. He sighed quietly in my head. *Kurt....* His voice brought me back to reality, and guilt suddenly tore though me, extinguishing everything he'd started. I pushed him away.
"Nein, I can't....I can't." His eyes filled with hurt and disappointment. I turned and went for the door, not wanting to see it.
*I'm...sorry. I thought...* I shook my head and left him there. God forgive me, it was the most cowardly thing I had ever done.
Part 3
I stood there rooted ter the floor. What the hell just happened? One minute huggin' an' kissin', and then he runs off. Was it somethin' I said? Did I smell...? Well, I kinda did, but it wasn't a bad smell.... I couldn't help it anyway. When there's a big, gaping hole in yer chest that leaks energy, yer wouldn't smell like roses all the bleedin' time, either.
Back ter the issue at hand: Wagner ran from me. And at first I was shocked, not sure what ter do. I hadn't expected he'd run. When I hugged him, I thought maybe he'd push me away, tell me he didn't swing that way...but he'd hugged me back. And kissed me. Definite signs of interest. And I was sooo pleasantly surprised. Then, he left without an explanation, leavin' me confused ter high hell. When I get confused-especially about my sodding emotions-I get frustrated.
And here's where the anger came in. It bum-rushed me, hot and heavy. I can take rejection, honest. But I'd be goddamned if he wasn't gonner give me a fuckin' explanation right now. I raged outta me room towards his, so angry I was seein' red. I vaguely recall passin' someone in the hall. Bobby, I think.
"You all right, Jonothan?" he asked.
*It's fuckin' Jono to you, Frosty,* I snapped as I walked past him. What was he doin' up at this hour, anyway? Probably sneakin' ter the kitchen, knowin' Bobby.
"Asshole," I heard him mumble, but I could really care less. Maybe in a couple days, but not right now. No, right now Wagner and I were gonner have words.
Okay, so maybe I should've stopped ter cool down. Hell, maybe I should've waited till tomorrow. Maybe by then I could've thought of somethin' cool ter say when I saw him. But when I'm angry, there is no tomorrow. I reached Wagner's door and knocked-a little louder than necessary, true, but at least I didn't just barge through, which is exactly what I wanted ter do.
"Ja?" Wagner asked, his voice muffled through the door.
*Kurt, open the door. I wanner talk to yer.* There was a slight pause.
"Now is not a good time, Jono." My fingers curled inter tight fists and I resisted the urge ter hit the door in frustration.
*We need ter settle somethin', and I'm sure yer don' want me ter say what I need ter say while I'm standin' in the hall, so open the goddamn door!* I heard movement from inside the room, then the door opened a crack. He leaned against the door frame, yellow eyes burnin' with anger.
"You need to vatch vhat you say around me, Freund."
*Fine, but let me in so we can talk.* He sighed, his face suddenly looking tired. He mumbled somethin' in German-which normally I would've found cute, but now was irritatin'' the hell outta me-and opened the door wider. I pushed past him inter his room. I watched him close the door and turn slowly ter me. Before I could even start ter say anythin', he held up a hand ter stop me.
"I know. You are mad, and you should be." He walked past me ter the bed and sat down. "Vhen I vent to your room tonight, I had every intention of telling you vhat vas on my mind, but I lost my nerve. I value your friendship, Jono. I really do. But-"
*But yer not interested in me that way,* I finished fer him. What was once my heart lurched at me own words. *That's all yer had ter say. And then I wouldn't've come in here, makin' an arse outta meself.* I shook my head, disappointed, and turned ter leave.
"Nein, nein, Jono, let me finish." I stopped and turned ter look at him. My mind still played that cruel joke of lettin' me feel my pulse in my throat. He looked down, struggling fer words. "I am interested in you Jono." He gave a little laugh, and I was shocked. He was interested in me, but....
*Why did yer run then?* I asked, my anger forgotten.
"Jono, you know how important my religion is to me," he replied, as if that answered everything.
*Yeah,* I said, shrugging. He'd told me about how he'd studied ter be a priest, and that he was "full of faith" or somethin' like that. I'd never really thought about any religion fer long, let alone Christianity. So when we'd had this discussion a few hours earlier, I didn't really comment much on it.
Wagner frowned at me, creasin' that handsome dark face of his. "The Church frowns on...zat." Oh, shit. They did, didn't they? I sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed next ter him.
*Look, Kurt, I know yer tight with yer religion, but yer can't help the way yer feel.* I felt him tremble next ter me, and he nodded.
"Ja, I know." He kept his eyes down, not lookin' at me. I had ter get him ter get everythin' off his chest. If he didn't do it now, he might not open up ter me again about this. Okay, what did I know about Christianity? Not much, sadly. My family...well, they were never the church-goin' type (ter say the least), and me.... I'd turned from what little faith I'd had after my face and chest blew up. God, it seemed, had turned His back on me, and damnit, so would I.
*Kurt, what is God to yer? What do yer think of when yer think of Him?*
"Love," he answered immediately. "God is love."
*Alright, then. If God is love, and He loves yer, don' yer think He would still love yer, even if yer have feelings fer someone of the same sex?* He was quiet fer a while. So long, in fact, that I wondered if maybe I had offended him in some way.
"Do you vant to know vhy I ended up in your room zose nights?" He was avoiding my question, but I was curious.... I nodded. "Because I saw that thought of yours-ze one vhere you vere running your hands down my chest." Oh, shit! I thought I'd been safe! Fer the first time EVER I was glad most of my face was gone so he couldn't see the blush that would've painted my cheeks a bright red.
*Er, yer did?* He nodded, but there was a sly smile on his soft blue lips.
"Ja, but I loved it. And I vanted you to do it so much! But I ran from it, like I ran from you tonight." I was frozen like a deer in headlights. Did he just say he wanted me ter do it? "Zat's vhy I ended up in your room. I repressed it so much, but deep down I vanted it." Okay, Jono, he said he wanted it. Make some kind of move, you lazy bastard!
To my utter astonishment, it was Wagner that made the first move. He leaned over and kissed me on the bandages where my mouth was supposed ter be. I jerked back from him like he'd burned me. I wasn't used ter bein' touched anywhere near my bandages. The reaction on Wagner's face was nearly the death of me. Such hurt. *I'm sorry. I'm just not used ter bein' touched... where my bandages are. I'm a bit sensitive about it.* He nodded, but he still looked like I'd hurt his pride or somethin'. I leaned over and touched my forehead ter his. He kissed the tip of my long Cockney nose and smiled, undoin' me. I had ter have him!
I embraced him, nuzzlin' my face inter the hollow of his neck. Wagner had his own unique scent-the smell of cologne and a faint trace of brimstone from the bamfing he does. It didn't smell bad. It was kinda like my smell in that it would never go away. He ran his hands down my back, sendin' little shocks through me. I moaned softly, my body already reacting ter the warmth of him.
He pulled away from me quickly, and I watched with eager anticipation as he pulled his gray sweat shirt over his head and let it drop ter the floor. There he was, sittin' next ter me, his bare chest callin' out ter me. I raised my hands slowly, so slowly (because surely this was a dream), and laid my fingertips just below his collarbone. I felt him shudder, and I did the same. God, his fur was so soft. I ran my hands down that velvety chest, feeling the hard muscles beneath, and it was a thousand times better than my fantasies. I came across the hardness of his nipples and felt my eyes crinkle in a wicked smile. I ran my thumbs over them, pinched and teased them. He squirmed and God, oh God, I wanted him! But as much as I wanted him, I had ter know how far he wanted ter go.
*Kurt, yer sure yer wanner-* He held up a hand ter silence me, then traced a finger down my cheek.
"More zan you know, Jono." I nodded and went back ter that hauntingly soft chest of his.
My hands moved down lower, circling his bellybutton first, then playin' dangerously around the elastic of his sweat pants. I could see the bulge there, callin' out ter me. I yanked at his pants sternly. *Off,* I ordered, resistin' the impulse ter rip them off myself. He stood and slipped them off, revealin' lean thighs and muscular calves. He was such a lovely shade of indigo. And there, just below a much darker patch of curly hair, was the show of his arousal. It was long, dark and full. My own cock twitched at the sight of him. Shit, if I had a mouth I'd be droolin'. I reached fer him again, and I explored him with my hands. I fondled his back and wonderful arse as I nuzzled his flat stomach.
"Jono," he said, his fingers playing through my hair. "Jono...." I felt somethin' wrap around my waist and soon realized it was his tail. It ran down my back, ticklin' me. "Jono, I need you."
*Keep yer alan's on, luv,* I told him quietly. I cupped his arse cheeks, then wiggled a finger between them and rubbed around his warm opening. He stiffened, his breath caught in his throat. I immediately stopped what I was doin'. *Too soon?* He stayed quiet, his eyes struggling. I took his silence fer what it was. *Okay, one step at a time.* I wanted ter do more with him, God did I ever, but if he wasn't comfortable I didn't want this ter be too overwhelming fer him. He relaxed and continued ter ruffle my hair.
I sketched little patterns in the dark hair just above his erection and he-I swear he did this-purred low and deep in his throat. I wanted ter laugh-not out of ridicule, mind yer, but because he was so damn cute-but decided that might ruin the mood fer him. I teased his balls with butterfly-light touches, then messaged them gently. He started mumblin' somethin' in German and I loved it. He lifted one of my hands and put two fingers in his mouth. His tongue probed around and between them, then slithered down my palm. Just that simple action caused fire ter spread through me.
I took my hand back from him and wrapped my fingers around his cock, and as soon as I did he moaned, thrustin' his hips slightly. I ran my thumb lightly over his head, feelin' the moisture that was there. I started stokin' him, goin' nice and slow at first, savoring every moan, every thrust, every sigh, and every German word that came from him.
"Jono, Jono...." he said.
*Yes, luv, yes,* I told him, my voice husky. *Cum fer me.*
"Ja, Jono!" And with that I worked faster and stroked harder. I glanced at him, wantin' ter see what he looked like in the heat of passion. His eyes were closed, his mouth half-open, his expression nothin' but pleasure. His fingers had forgotten their work in my hair. He took in a sharp breath and his hips bucked. He stiffened, and his hot seed spilled over my hand. His knees buckled and he fell back on the bed, breathin' hard. I crawled up ter him. He reached out quickly and kissed my nose. He smiled a brilliant white smile, and I felt my eyes crinkle in one as well.
*Was it everythin' yer expected, mate?* I asked timidly. He laughed.
"Ja. Oh, ja." He sat up then. His eyes roamed over me like a predator studyin' his prey. He brushed a lock of my scraggly hair from my brow, then pulled on the hem of my shirt. "Off," he mocked.
Okay, if I had a sign tattooed ter my forehead at this moment, it would say: Insecure Wanker. I swallowed hard. I would not run from this magnificent experience just because I didn't like the way I looked without a shirt. I stood and slowly pulled the shirt over my head and waited ter see the look of disgust on Wagner's face. But it never came. The only expressions on his face were hunger and wanting. If I still had a heart it would be soarin' right now.
He reached out and fumbled with my jeans, tryin' ter get them off. It was rather amusin' ter watch him work on the small button of my jeans with his thick fingers. I could help him.... Naw, I was havin' too much fun! After a few frustrated seconds of dirty German words, he was finally able ter get them off me. I stood naked before him, feelin' vulnerable. His warm hands explored me, lingerin' on my bandages. His tail swept out and began caressin' my thighs and buttocks. Despite my insecurities, I reacted ter every touch with a moan. He was drivin' me crazy with his taunting fingers!
I sighed his name and he leaned forward. He kissed the head of my cock gently. He licked it slowly, running his pink tongue around ter the back of my head and down my shaft, leaving a wet trail behind. I ached with anticipation, wantin' ter be in him, but he moved down ter my balls. I shuddered pleasantly when his tongue danced over them. Oh, Christ, this was so erotic!
After much writhing and wanting, he took me inter his mouth. He sucked on the tip at first, makin' me moan and beg, then took in all of me. Kurt was a natural deep-throater. He was sooo good. He worked on me like he'd had years of experience. Every now and then I would feel the faint brush of fangs, but he was careful. And did I mention he was good? I curled my fingers through his wavy hair. I felt myself close, close...
*God, oh, God! Kurt!* He pushed me over the edge and I cried out. The world turned upside down fer a few seconds as he drank me down.
He looked up at me and licked his lips. I smiled my crinkley-eyed- smile down at him and pulled him ter me. He kissed my bandages where my mouth was supposed ter be and then licked my ear with a flick of that wonderful tongue of his. "Do you vant to stay vith me tonight?" he asked from the hollow of my neck. I was surprised by the question. I wasn't expectin' ter stay. Didn't think he'd want me ter.
*Not much night left, luv,* I answered, pullin' back from him. His face fell in disappointment, and I couldn't stand it. *But whatever's left I wouldn't mind spendin' with yer.* He smiled in relief and pulled me onter the bed with him. And that's where we stayed, together, fer the rest of the night.
Part 4
I'd listen to the words he'd say
But in his voice I heard decay
The plastic face forced to portray
All the insides left cold and gray
There is a place that still remains
It eats the fear, it eats the pain
The sweetest price he'll have to pay
The day the whole world went away
-Trent Reznor, Nine Inch Nails (his songs remind me of Chamber)
I was dreaming of pearly white skin and black rubber bandages; of a wild mane of mahogany hair and a long, stern nose; of a lithe body with long limbs dressed all in black; of huge expressive brown eyes with long dark lashes; of a screeching noise that was grinding my teeth together... I rolled over and my hand automatically switched off my alarm clock. My body felt stiff and slow. Why was I being woken from a wonderful dream at six o'clock in the morning? I wracked my sluggish brain. Ah, yes. Training. There was a mental grunt and movement beside me. I looked over to see a pale body tangled in my sheets and the memory of last night came back to me. My body reacted to the thought of his wandering hands and his slender body and I smiled. Oh, Herr Starsmore. What a lovely man you are.
I wanted to massage his shoulders, wake him from his sleep and wrap him in my arms. I started to reach out to him, but stopped. How was this supposed to go? I engaged in sexual contact with a man for the first time ever last night. With this man, sleeping beside me. It had been a long time since I woke up to a warm body next to me, and never has that said body been a man. I didn't even know what was expected of me right now. Was last night just a fling, a one-time thing? Was I supposed to wake him, ask him to leave? I had been the one who asked him to stay, but...but. My head started to pound. Why did I make things so difficult for myself? If nothing else ever happened between Jono and I again, at least I know that I faced my demon. I did what I had been denying myself for years, and I enjoyed it. It felt right. That's why I gave in so easily last night. I had to know. If I had walked away from the encounter feeling disgusted and used, I would know that my urges were unfounded. As it stands, last night was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. And if God wanted to eternally punish me for it, let Him.
I took one last, longing look at Jono and stood. I had training. I had to wake myself up, get my thoughts in order and focus. I would worry about the consequences of my actions later. I walked to my closet quietly, trying not to wake the sleeping form in my bed. If he slept through my alarm clock, I doubted he would wake up from the sound of me dressing, but still. It was the polite thing to do. I dressed silently, my mind still constantly going back to last night. I was so immersed in my thoughts that I didn't even notice I put my shirt on backwards until I heard a mental chuckle. I looked to the bed and saw Jono sitting up, watching me, his eyes crinkled in his version of a smile.
*'Avin' problems, mate?*
"I zought you vere sleeping." He rubbed his eyes with his knuckles like a baby, and it was the cutest thing.
*How can I sleep when I get ter watch yer get dressed?* I looked away, feeling heat travel up my face, glad he couldn't see it. I suddenly felt uncomfortable. What was I supposed to say? I've never been in this awkward next- morning phase. *Wot's wrong, luv?* What *was* wrong? Why couldn't I say something suave, something intelligent? I have never had this problem before. I just shook my head.
"No'zing. Feel free to use ze bathroom. I have to go." Mein Gott, I was an idiot. I felt his gaze on my back as I walked to the door and I hesitated. I could say something now and lighten the mood. But my insecurity got the best of me, and I left, closing the door behind me.
All through my training, I couldn't concentrate. My thoughts swirled on Jono and how I just left him there. Guilt twisted inside me, a familiar feeling. Guilt, to me, was like an old friend. We may have parted our ways a few times, but it always came back to visit. Scott, of course, scolded me for losing focus. It wasn't like me, he'd said. No, it wasn't, I'd agreed. Anything wrong, he'd asked. I had to keep the smirk off my face.
I walked back to my room after assuring Scott that I hadn't slept well and I'd be fine. It was empty. No Jono. No evidence that he had even been there. He even made-up the bed. I took a shower and washed all the sweat and grime off me. My showers usually take a while since I have to use special conditioners for my fur (actually, Henry is the one who makes it, he just shares it with me), so I had plenty of time to reflect on things. I really like Jono, no doubt about it. He's a good kid...kid! He practically *was* a kid! Definitely younger than I'm used to. But, still. He's got a good heart, even if he would disagree by saying he no longer has one. He absolutely deserved more than how I treated him this morning. That's when I decided I would talk to him. I couldn't just leave it where it was.
I got dressed and went to his door. I knocked, my stomach turning in on itself. Okay, Kurt, you can do this. You were the star attraction at the circus and have faced villains galore. Talking to this boy won't hurt you. Right.
*Who is it?* his deep mental voice asked.
"It is Kurt, Jono. May I come in?" There was silence for a while, and I began to wonder if he'd heard me. After all, I could hear some music from inside.
*Now is not a good time, Kurt.* My jaw clenched. Mocking my words from yesterday, was he? Two could play that game.
"Jono, please open ze door. I need to speak vit' you, and I am sure you vould not vant me saying vat needs to be said in ze hallway." I heard a frustrated grunt, then his clunking footsteps. The door swung open quickly.
*Fine,* he said, and flopped back down on his bed. I stepped in cautiously and closed the door.
"I vant to apologize. I left you zis morning vit'out any kind vords." He crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes cold. He wouldn't look at me.
*No, I completely understand. Yer don' have ter explain. I'm used ter it by now. Yer did whatcha needed wit' me.* I staggered from his words. It was like he'd scooped my heart out with a spoon.
"Jono-"
*No, really! I told yer I understand! Wot more do yer want from me?! Another fuck? One fer the road?!* He stood then, his nostrils flaring- a definite sign, I've noticed, of his anger.
"Jono, it's not like zat-"
*Sure it is! I told yer, I'm used ter it. Besides, what good am I ter yer, lookin' the way I do?*
I have an abundance of patience, but he was quickly wearing it thin. Slowly, my own anger was rising. "Jono, I am going to say zis once. Let. Me. Talk. Do not interrupt." He snorted, and I took that as an agreement, no matter how unattractive. "You looking ze vay you do had no'zing to do vit' vhy I acted ze vay I did zis morning. If zat vas ze reason, I think I vould be a hypocrite, ja? You think you are ze only one who has issues vit' how you look?! I vas born zis vay. Ze only place I could call home vas ze circus!" I stopped myself from going on further. This was not why I was here. "I came here to apologize. Vill you accept it?"
He turned away from me then, and his shoulders shook. *I know I'm not much, mate. I know. I was told it all me life. I'm even less now. Not even able ter kiss yer...I thought yer were ashamed o' me,* he said, his deep mental voice cracking into a sob. I was by his side instantly, my arms around his shoulders. He looked at me through streaming eyes and my heart lurched. How could I have ever left him the way I did? In that moment, I realized he was a Godsend. How could I not have seen it earlier?
"Nein, Jono, of course not," I told him in a soothing voice. "I vould never be ashamed of you. I am ashamed of myself for acting ze vay I did. I vas scared."
*Why?* he sniffed.
"Because I have never been in zis situation before. It is all new to me. Vhen I voke up zis morning, I vas not sure vhat to do. I...I vasn't sure if you vould vant me...again." It was my turn to look away.
*Are yer crazy?* he asked, his voice hushed. I felt the faint brush of fingertips on my cheek, and I turned to him. His eyes were large and watery, but so full of adoration. *I don' know what I did ter deserve yer.* His hand fell back to his side. *Don' know what I did ter deserve a lot o' things in me life. But yer definitely one of the best, sunshine.* My throat tightened and my eyes stung. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and let him know how much I needed to hear that. I actually started to do just that before he spoke again. *An' maybe that's why we should forget about wot 'appened last night.*
"Vhat?" I asked, because surely I had heard wrong. Forget about it?
*I fuck up everythin' I touch, Kurt. I don't want that ter happen ter yer. I don' want ter walk away from this place regrettin'. Fer once in me pathetic, tortured existence, I would like ter look back and tell meself that I didn't screw someone over; that I didn't ruin anyone else's life.*
"You are not going to ruin my life, Jono. At ze very least you have liberated me. And zat, mein Freund, is vorth more to me zan you know."
*That may be, but I'll fuck up sommit eventually. So do me a bloody favor an' leave before it happens.*
My anger, which had died down to a barely audible trickle, flooded me like a tidal wave. He was being unreasonable and petty. "Is zat it, zen? You vant to hide avay from everyone-even zose who care about you- like a coward?!"
*Don' call me a fuckin' coward, Kurt! Yer the one who ran. Twice! At least I'm bein' realistic here! Yer don' really want me, and even if yer did yer'd get sick o' me quick. I'm just savin' yer the time!* I'd had enough. My jaw tensed and when I spoke again it came out through clenched teeth.
"I came back to apologize, and zis is vat I get. I vas hoping ve could see vere zis vould take us, but obviously you are too close- minded to care. I am going to leave now, Jono, to give you time to think about vat you said." And with that, I teleported from his room, leaving him a foul smell for his foul mood.
Part 5
There is a game I play
Try to make myself okay
Try so hard to make the pieces all fit
And then smash it apart
Just for the fuck of it.
Got to get back to the bottom
The big come down, isn't that what you wanted?
Find a place with the failed and forgotten
Isn't that really what you wanted now?
There is no place I can go, there is no where I can hide
It feels like it keeps coming from the inside.
There is a hate that burns within
The most desperate place I have ever been
Try to get back from where I'm from
The closer I get the worse it becomes.
There is no place I can go, there is no where I can hide.
It feels like it keeps coming from the inside.
-The Big Come Down, by Trent Reznor, Nine Inch Nails
What gives him the nerve ter talk ter me like a fuckin' child?! He's givin' me TIME ter THINK about what I said?! What kind of juvenile bullshit was that?! Callin' ME a coward!
"But you *are* runnin' away, mate," the Let's-Think-About-What-Just- Happened voice said quietly in the back of me mind.
*Shut up, you,* I told it. I was angry and determined ter stay that way. I went ter my closet and pulled out my tattered bag. Obviously I'd made a mistake comin' here. I could go back ter the Academy-
"Ter do what?" the LTAWJH voice said. "Show the others yer couldn't handle it? Couldn't be an X-Man 'cause o' sex problems? Fer fuck's sake, Starsmore! Yer haven't even been on a mission yet!" I stopped throwing my clothes in the bag and sat down on the edge of the bed.
*Yer fuckin' right. Can't go back there.* I sighed. Maybe I could track Angelo down and we could just travel together fer a while, like old times. That'd give me time ter get me thoughts together, and we could decide what ter do after that. Just me, Angelo an' the road. Right.
"Maybe Ange has plans o' his own. Yer really think he'd just drop wot he's doin' ter go on a blind road trip with yer? I think not," the LTAWJH voice laughed. I stood abruptly, frustration nearly drowning out my anger. Nearly. I needed ter think, get out and let off some steam-literally.
I grabbed my black leather jacket and threw it on violently. I walked out of the room, down the hall, downstairs, and out the front door without coming across anyone else in the mansion, which was strange all in itself. But it was more of a blessing than anythin' since all I wanted was ter be alone. And angry. Yeah, it sounds bad, but anger was like a warm blanket ter me. Somethin' I could always count on when my other emotions betrayed me. If I stayed angry, I didn't need ter think about anythin' else. Usually.
I walked through the mansion's gardens and down ter the dark grove of trees on the edge of the land. The sun was setting fast and the light was dimming by the second, but it didn't matter ter me. I pulled at my bandages, felt them give way, then let them fall ter the ground. I stared at them fer a few seconds, my psi fire illuminatin' them.
*Bane of my fuckin' exsistence,* I told them, not really cursing them but myself. I kicked them, then walked through the trees, not really carin' where I was goin'. My mind went back ter Wagner and somethin' stabbed at my metaphorical heart. He'd said he'd wanted ter see where things led us.
"An' yer had ter be an arse an' push him away by feelin' sorry fer yerself," the LTAWJH voice said. "Yer did it wit' Paige and now yer doin' it wit' Wagner. Yer a pathetic git." My emotions overwhelmed me and I screamed then, long and hard, wishing ter whatever gods may be up there that I still had vocal cords. It would've felt much better, like a cleansin'. As it stands, I could only mentally scream, but it was better than nothin'. My psi fire raged, swirling about me, dancing around the trees and over the ground. I let it grow, consuming the area around me. It was harmless. It wouldn't hurt anythin' unless I wanted it ter.
I pushed my fire out and out until I fell ter my knees. It died down with my defeat. I pounded the ground weakly and felt drained. Tears stung my eyes and I let them flow, wantin' it all outter me. All I wanted was ter be happy. Fer once in me life.
"Dat some show, mon ami," a deep, lazy voice said from behind me. I jumped ter my feet, surprise widening my eyes. Remy LeBeau, Gambit, was leanin' against a tree, a sly smile on his lips. I swiped at the wetness on my face.
*Are yer a bloody moron, LeBeau? Yer don' sneak up on someone who has the power ter blow yer ter bits, especially when that someone is me and angry!* LeBeau gave a fake gasp of shock, then laughed heartily when I gave him a disapprovin' look. *Why are yer here, eh? Can't yer
see I was tryin' ter be alone?*
"Oui, oui, but it hard t' ignore dat light show. An' I t'ink you upset everyone wit' dat scream o' yours." I raised my eyebrows at that last comment.
*Wotter yer mean, upset everyone?*
"I mean, I t'ink you woke de dead wit' dat scream. Nice an' heartfelt. Remy liked it. T'ought I should investigate. An' to my surprise I find you, cher." Embarrassment made me fidget. Not *everyone* could've heard that. I wasn't that strong of a telepath...was I? Maybe LeBeau was just near, closer ter me than the others. Oh, hell. "What's on your mind, mon ami?"
*Nuthin'. Leave me be.* I turned from him, and it suddenly occurred ter me that my bandages were gone. I contained my psi fire, but still felt exposed, especially with LeBeau standin' there, watchin' me.
"Non, you don' make dat kinda show fer nothin'. Gambit listen to ya." Somethin' hit the ground by my feet. I looked down and saw my discarded bandages. "T'ought you might wan' dose back." I picked them up slowly. LeBeau was certainly considerate, which was needed in my state of animosity. I put the bandages on slowly, keeping my back ter him.
*Why the sudden interest, LeBeau? I've barely talked ter yer before now.* He was quiet for a while. I turned ter him, thinkin' that maybe he'd walked off ter leave me alone. But he was still there, lookin' down at the ground thoughtfully. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one with the tip of his finger. The smoke drifted over ter me, parting around me like a stone in water.
"When I heard ya scream, somet'ing in me responded to it. You..." he kicked a rock on the ground absently, "you know about what happened back in Antarctica, non?" I nodded. Emma had mentioned that the X-Men left him there because of somethin' that he'd done. Somethin' about the death of the Morlocks. I had thought back then that it was a cruel way ter treat someone, ter leave them there ter die. But LeBeau was strong. He came back. Back ter the mansion, back ter those that left him. My respect fer him soared right then. "So, you gonna talk to Gambit now?" I looked away.
*It's not that simple, mate. It's personal.*
"Isn't everyt'ing?" He had a point. But still, did he honestly expect me ter tell him what was goin' on between me an' Wagner? I hardly knew him. I sighed a mental sigh.
*Just havin' a hard time...with a friend.* LeBeau puffed on his smoke.
"Gonna tell me who?" Should I? I didn't totally trust Gambit, but he hadn't given me any reason so far *not* ter trust him.
*Kurt.* I tensely waited fer him ter say somethin'.
"You an' Kurt close?"
*We've been talkin' a lot. And...* Could I tell LeBeau? Would he understand? Yeah, he was no stranger ter sex, that I was sure of, but...sex with another man I wasn't certain he knew about.
"Look, I know what you feel fo'im."
*How do yer know that?* I asked, my eyes narrowin' in suspicion. He held up his hands.
"Don' get mad, cher. I'm an empath. Couldn't help but feel some o' dem emotions when they was pourin' from you. I just didn't know who dey were fo'. But I won' do it again. Dat time was a slip."
*I'm sure,* I said, my voice drippin' with sarcasm. I just shook my head. Well, now LeBeau knew. *It's complicated.* I sat down on the ground and wrapped my arms around my legs. LeBeau followed suit, sittin' beside me and extinguishin' his cigarette.
"I've known Kurt a little longer dan you. He a good man. Betta dan most. He told me when I got back dat if he'd been dere dat day, he would not've left dis sorry Cajun. No one else has eva said nothin' like dat to me before." I was quiet fer a while. I thought of Kurt and his laugh, his soft fur, his kind demeanor.
*It's not his kindness I'm upset over, Remy. Kurt and I...*
"I know, cher. I got dose feelin's from you before. Ya care for Kurt." I nodded.
*I blew up at him. Yelled at him.*
"Why you do dat?"
*Cause I'm a worthless piece of shit.* LeBeau laughed at that.
"Non, you can't be *dat* worthless. Kurt saw somet'ing in ya. He's a good judge o' character, he is. So tell me de *real* reason."
*Damn, yer sure do pry, LeBeau.* He spread his hands in his version of a sittin'-down bow. I couldn't help but smile.
"Some call me de King o' Intrusion." I laughed. I had ter admit ter meself that Remy LeBeau was a good listener, not ter mention pushy, which I needed sometimes.
*I ran 'cause I'm scared of hurtin' him. Scared he'd get tired of me. I mean, look at me!* LeBeau sat back and studied me through narrowed red and black eyes.
"'m lookin'. But what'm lookin' fo'?"
*Don't be a smart arse, Remy! I'm a monster! I have no mouth! No heart! I was declared dead after me powers manifested!*
"Non, cher, dead is a state o' mind. An' you definitely ain't dead!"
*That's not the bleedin' point, LeBeau!*
"Look, Jonothan-"
*Jono.*
"-dere's more t'you dan you see. Dere's more t' life dan regret. Take my word on dat. Ya asked me t' look at you an' I did. I don' see a monster, a dead man, or a piece o' shit. An' I don' t'ink Kurt sees it either."
"Nein, I don't." We both jumped and turned ter the sound of the voice. Wagner was sittin' up in a tree a little off ter the side of us. He was hard ter make out in the shadows. In fact, if it hadn't
been fer his softly glowing eyes I wouldn't have seen him at all.
"Kurt, ya sneaky devil! How long you been spyin' on us?" LeBeau asked. Kurt dropped down from the tree, landin' gracefully. He was dressed in his beloved sweats, but they were a darker shade of gray today.
"Vell, unlike you, Remy, I could not home in on Jono by his emotions. I had to actually search. But I came in on ze 'death as a state of mind' part." LeBeau chuckled and stood. He looked down at an imaginary watch on his wrist.
"Mon Dieu! Look at de time! Remy gotta go!" He turned ter leave.
*Remy, wait,* I said, standing. He stopped and looked at me. *Thanks...* He waved a hand dismissively.
"Eh, jus' helpin' a friend. Free o' charge." He looked at Kurt and gave him a wink. Kurt smiled kindly, and fer a fleeting second jealousy ran it's ugly fingers through me, but it passed quickly as
LeBeau walked away.
Kurt and I watched as the darkness swallowed him. The atmosphere was awkward. I shoved my hands in my pockets and finally looked at him. He was staring at me intently, but his face was gentle. *Er, I....erm....* I ran my hands through my hair and looked away. He was patient, lettin' me get me thoughts together. *Kurt, I'm sorry.*
"Ja, me too," he said softly.
*I sometimes jump the gun. I'd rather call it quits than get hurt in the end. If I say the terrible things myself then I won't have ter hear them from someone else.* He took a step towards me.
"Vhy vould you think I vould say such zings?" I looked away and shrugged. "Jono, for years I have denied so much. My faith used to be my life boat, som'zing to hold and love. Since ze day I met you I have done no'zing but argue vith myself, and in ze end I leapt from zat security. And you vere zere for me to cling to. You gave me everyzing I needed. And if you don't vant anyzing more from me after zis day, I vill accept zat. I vill not understand it, but I vill respect your decision." I looked at him then, and his eyes were full of hope and pleading.
*Are yer...are yer sayin' yer think I don't want yer?* He shrugged. I walked up ter him and took him in my arms, surprising him. *God, Kurt, I want yer more'n anything!* His arms slowly wrapped around me and I felt him shudder against me.
"Jono, I care so much for you! Ze last two days have been ze most frightening days of my life! But I'm so glad to have you vith me in ze end!" His voice quivered. I pulled back from him and saw tears darkening his cheeks. I wiped them away gently with my thumb. I felt so guilty then. How could I ever have wanted ter hurt him, push him away?
*Yes, luv. I won't run anymore if you won't.* He nodded and sniffed. I rested my forehead against his, then rubbed the tip of my nose back and forth over his. He laughed weakly, then kissed me on the bandages where my mouth used ter be.
"Vill you stay vith me again tonight?" he asked quietly. This time, the question didn't surprise me, and I agreed wholeheartedly.
*Of course.* I rubbed his shoulder and let my hand fall down his chest. *Let's turn in early.* He smiled at that and nodded. I took his hand and started ter pull him with me back ter the mansion.
"Zere's a faster vay back," he said mischievously. I raised an eyebrow inquisitively and he embraced me. "Just don't move much." And with the stench of ash and brimstone, the world went dark.
Walking Dreams Part 6
"Are you alright?" I laughed as Jono fell back on my bed, his long legs hanging off the edge. I had just teleported us to my room, and by the looks of things he hadn't enjoyed it much. He closed his eyes and put a hand to his forehead.
*Yeah, just...don't ever do that again. That was...horrible.* The dark cloud of smoke that follows me during my bamfing was quickly dissipating, but the smell was lingering.
"Most people don't like my teleporting. I should have asked you. I'm sorry."
*It's okay, luv. I know yer were just anxious ter get me back here alone.* He dropped his hand and opened his eyes slowly. *Why have I not noticed this before?* he asked, pointing up. I followed his gaze and saw my huge black pirate flag tacked to the ceiling. I fidgeted.
"Maybe you vere too preoccupied. You do not like it?" He sat up and looked around the rest of my room, catching the Errol Flynn posters on the wall. He looked back at me with an eyebrow raised in disbelief. If he still had a mouth, I'm sure it would be hanging open.
*Uh, didn't say that. I just can't see yer routing fer the pirates, is all--* That won a surprised laugh from me.
"I love zem. Anyzing to do vit' swashbuckling. I can even fence vit' mein tail." At this, Jono burst out laughing, an odd sound in my head that reminded me of the distant rumble of thunder.
*Oh God, Kurt, that's hilarious!* he said between giggles. *Yer just made my day!* I frowned and put my hands on my hips.
"I'm glad I amuse you so," I told him with teasing sternness. "I have saved many a damsel in distress!"
*Phft,* he said, waving a hand. *Damsels in distress.* He rolled his lovely eyes and shrugged out of his jacket. *Drama queens, all o' them!* I laughed again, losing the seriousness I was desperately trying to hold on to. He threw his jacket to the chair across the room with the precision of a pro--obviously the sign of someone with much practice in the art of jacket-throwing.
I walked up to him, stopping with my legs between his knees. He wrapped his long arms around my waist and started to nuzzle my stomach. I ran my hands through his soft, wild hair. In that moment I felt incredibly close to him, and with that came the sense of protection and sheltering I often felt when I deeply cared for someone else. I wanted to hold him close and never let go. I wanted to take away his pain and make him happy forever. These feelings surprised me. We'd only *really* known each other a few days, and already I was thinking long-term.
My train of thought immediately vanished when his hands began kneading my back gently.
"I vill start calling you my pirate," I whispered to him. He looked up at me without letting me go, his eyes questioning. "You remind me of a pirate, vit' ze black you vear. And your accent." His large eyes crinkled.
*Really?* I nodded and smiled at him. *Well, shiver me timbers, matey.*
"Ahh, zat's just so sexy, Leibling."
*Aw, shucks. That's just because I'm irresistable.*
"Ja, so true." I bent down and kissed his cheek just above his bandages, then pushed him back down on the bed. I straddled his waist and licked his earlobe. He shuddered below me and moaned.
*I've created a monster,* he said, his voice tinged with amusement. I snickered.
"Nein, you didn't create, you just let me loose." He shrugged.
*Same difference.* I let my hands travel down to stop on his chest. It was warm there, very warm, like feeling an electric warming blanket set on high. I could feel the ridges of the bandages through his shirt and I was so tempted to ask him to take them off. I wanted to see him naked, truly naked, but didn't dare ask. Not now, anyway. This was still new to both of us, and asking him to stand before me with not a scrap on him was a big step for him. *Wot's wrong?* he asked, his voice almost panicked. I suddenly realized I had just been sitting there on top of him staring at his chest. I shook my head and gave my best charming smile.
"I vas just imagining all ze zings I could do to you." He gazed at me through wary eyes for a few tense seconds, then relaxed, his eyes crinkling as my tail snaked up his thigh.
*Don' gorra imagine anymore. I'm right here. Do yer worst, Herr Vagner.* I narrowed my eyes and raised a sinister eyebrow.
"A challenge! Prepare yourself!" I dipped down quickly (not giving him time to prepare at all), my tongue streaking down his neck. I tasted leather but kept going. I grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled at it. He sat up enough to let me tug it off him, but I pushed him right back down as soon as it left his body.
*Don't know what's gotten inter yer, but I like it,* he said, his eyes fluttering shut as I traced wet trail down his chest until I tasted the warm, salty skin of his navel. My tongue danced around his bellybutton just above his jeans. He arched his back into my touch and gave a little groan. My fingers fumbled with the button of his jeans, and I had them unbuttoned much faster this time. Practice makes perfect.
He lifted his bottom up enough to allow me to slip the jeans off him, revealing his long pale legs. His erection bobbed as he settled himself back down, and that sight alone made my body ache for him. I remembered the feel of him in my mouth last night and I wanted nothing more than to taste him again.
Last night had been a new experience for me and I was a little conservative. There had been so much I wanted to do but was held back by my insecurities, not only about myself but those of my faith. But tonight I wanted to hold nothing back. I took him in my mouth greedily, lapping his head and cupping his balls. I heard a sharp intake of breath and then a long, low mental moan.
*Oh, god, Kurt,* he said, thrusting his hips slightly. *So good....* His deep, husky mumblings only made my lust for him stronger. My own erection was hard and throbbing, begging for release. *OhgodKurtyesgonnercum!* And his heat spilled down my throat as he stiffened below me. I sat up and licked my swollen lips. His whole body was still rigid, his eyes closed. *That was so bloody good,* he said quietly, raising a shaking hand to his forehead. *Har, har,* he added with a laugh. He opened his eyes and looked at me shyly. *Don't know how I'm gonner top that.* I raised an eyebrow.
"Zere's plenty of ways. And ve have all night."
*Too true.* He reached out and grabbed my sweatshirt. *The first thing we gotter do is get rid o' these damn clothes.*
"Ja, zey *do* hinder things." I pulled the shirt off and flung it across the room. He ran his hands down my chest, making me shudder. I stood and quickly discarded my pants and stood naked before him. He took me in his hands, making me twitch in anticipation.
*Oh, Kurt, baby,* he said as he stroked me slowly. *Want yer in me bad.*
I nodded dumbly and his eyes crinkled. I'd never actually had intercourse with a man, but I knew the basics. I pulled away from his touch reluctantly.
*Wot're--* Jono started, but I bamfed away to my bathroom and grabbed my shampoo, then bamfed right back. Jono was trying to wave the smoke
away from him. *Ughh, warn me first Kurt. I mean really. I may not have lungs, but my nose works just fine!*
I laughed and shrugged. "Sorry. You vill get used to it." I held up the plain little bottle. "Zis is all I have."
*What is it?*
"My shampoo. Dr. McCoy makes it for me, since ve both have fur." Jono laughed.
*McCoy would kill yer if he knew wot yer doin' with it.*
"Mm, but ze doctor vill never know!"
Jono reached for me and ran his hands down my chest again, making me forget all about Henry McCoy. *Enough stalling,* he said as his fingers plunged down and lightly brushed my shaft. I pushed him back down on the bed and grabbed his hips, pulling him to me. He spread his legs wide so that his bottom was resting against my thighs and I enjoyed the sight of him sprawled naked against me. The pale ivory of his skin practically glowed against the dark indigo of my own. He writhed and moaned at my touches, and I noticed him becoming hard once again.
"Mein beautiful pirate," I told him, letting my hands explore him for a while.
I pulled away from him and stuck a finger crudely into my mouth, then reached down and slowly slid it into his warm opening, being as gentle as possible. He moaned and his eyes rolled back.
*Don' gorra worry 'bout being gentle wif me, luv,* he told me, thrusting his hips a bit. *I'm too impatient anyway!* I gave a laugh and nodded, withdrawing my finger. I took the shampoo and squeezed a bit into my palm, then slicked it on myself. I caught Jono watching me, his eyes hungry like a starving man watching a restaurant.
I rubbed the tip of my head against him, making him sigh impatiently. He bucked up against me, urging me to get on with it, and I could barely stop myself from ramming into him. I pushed into him slowly, giving him time to adjust to me. I grabbed his thighs roughly, trying to contain my desire, until I was sheathed all the way in his glorious warmth. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. Jono whimpered in my mind, begging me to keep moving. I started thrusting, slow and soft at first, but as my heated lust mounted, I ploughed into him hard. I worried a few times that perhaps I was hurting him in some way, but every time I started to slow down he would give a little wail of disapproval. His erection was now full
and raging, the pink tip dribbling moisture.
An idea suddenly stormed into my brain at that point and I smiled wickedly down at him. I bent down and (not for the first time in my life) was thankful for the flexibility of my spine. I took him in my mouth, surprising him.
*God Kurt, yer wonderful,* he said, his eyes half closed.
The rhythm was awkward at first, but finally I found a pace that was comfortable for us both. Jono's moans and pleas were feeding my pleasure. *Kurtgodyesohshit!* He trembled below me and his warmth spilled down my throat. My orgasm washed over me right after and I groaned as I pushed into him one last time. For several seconds, my world was nothing but pleasure and heat and the taste of Jono. I collapsed on top of him, my cheek resting on the incredible warmth of his chest as I tried to remember how to breathe.
Once my heart beat stopped pounding in my ears, I caught a faint sound coming from Jono. It sounded like a soft whir, like rushing air swirling just below his bandages. For the first time, the realization that he didn't have a heart really hit me. It didn't disgust me--not at all--but it *did* bother me. I would never fall asleep to the rhythm of his heartbeat. And with that thought came others. We would never have the little rituals of other relationships--like the fact that he would never wake me up in the middle of the night snoring; he would never get sick, thus I would never baby him by feeding him soup and juice (which I don't think he'd let me do anyway); and we would never have a proper, traditional date of dinner and a movie. Okay, maybe a movie, but I would feel awkward eating dinner while he just sat there and watched me do something he could never do again.
*Kurt, yer okay?* he asked, startling me out of my reflection.
"Just listening to you," I answered, giving his chest a little thump. He went impossibly still.
*It bothers yer?* It was meant as a question, but there was a certain finality to his tone that made it more of a statement. I lifted up from him and looked him in the eyes. I couldn't very well lie to him.
"It does," I told him quietly.
Watching his eyes fill with so much hurt and betrayal was the hardest thing I had ever done.
Part 7
I * had* ter still have a heart. Why else would I feel like it was being ripped out?
I pulled away from Kurt, not able ter look him in the eyes, feeling numb and out of focus. I really wasn't expecting such a blunt answer. Not from Kurt Wagner. Not from the man who'd been drilling inter my head that he saw past the outer appearances and still cared.
I honestly didn't know what ter say. It seemed that my mental voice had somehow gone hoarse, like my brain remembered what it was like ter be shocked silent. What I really wanted ter do is curl inter a tight ball and never move again. Or better yet, just die.
"I think you took it ze wrong vay," Kurt said quickly, seeing my very obvious hurt.
*How could I take that any other way, mate? I should 'ave known this was all too bleedin' good ter be true. I mean, really Kurt. Yer couldn't have been any more forthcoming!*
The numbness was wearing off, and that familiar flare of anger was tingling my insides. What was that I said earlier? Focus on the anger and I wouldn't have ter think about anything else? Yeah. That sounded like a good plan. And I stick with what works.
I stood from the bed and grabbed my crumpled pants from the floor. Wagner reached out and grabbed my wrist.
"Stop, Jono. Listen to me. Let me explain." I jerked my wrist from him like he'd burned me.
*You and yer sodding explanations! Don' care!* Okay, that wasn't entirely true. A part of me *did* care, just not the part that was in control right now.
"It bothers me zat you no longer have a heart, Jono. It does. It bothers me zat I vill never hear it beating. It bothers me zat you have no lips for me to kiss."
Did he really think this was making me feel better?! I shook my head and turned from him ter buckle my pants.
"But zen I realize zat zose are selfish thoughts, and vat really matters to me is being vit' you. Ven I tell you zat you are beautiful, I mean it."
I stopped in mid zip, but didn't turn ter look at him. I was afraid ter look him in the eyes, afraid I would see...the truth. Kurt was the first person who actually told me I was beautiful since me face was blown off. The first person who blatantly told me it bothered him ter know he'd never hear my heartbeat, but that he wanted me anyway. And suddenly I found myself standing there wishing ter the heavens that I had a heartbeat fer him ter hear, because this man was accepting me. And fer that I would sell my very soul so I could give him everything he ever wanted.
"Do not go," he whispered, his voice on the edge of pleading. My brain played a cruel joke on me by making me feel a lump in my throat. My eyes stung and I struggled ter keep my emotions in check. "I vant you to stay, Jono. I--"
I held up a hand ter stop him. *Don't say it...* Because if he said it, all my efforts ter hold my emotions in would crumble. I heard movement from behind and his warm arms wrapped around me. His lips brushed my ear as he spoke.
"I love you." As soon as the words left his mouth, my knees went weak and my body quivered. He supported me as the sobs wracked my body. He guided me ter the floor gently, gathering me in his lap as I held on ter him like a dying man.
All the years of pent-up pain, self-hatred and loneliness flowed from me in the form of tears and stomach-clenching wails. I don't know how long I stayed in his arms, clutched ter him, but eventually I realized that Kurt had been rocking me and kissing my forehead and whispering soothing things. And I understood then that no matter how much Kurt loved me, it would never amount ter what I felt fer him. The love and appreciation that rose from deep inside calmed me down and soon the tears subsided. After a while of silence, I finally spoke.
*I'm sorry I broke down on yer. I'm such a bloody tit.* Kurt just smoothed out my hair and wiped the wetness from my cheeks.
"Zere's no'zing to be sorry for." He paused. "I think you have never truly come to terms vit' zis," he added as he tenderly patted my chest. I nodded silently. He was so right. Instead of accepting that I would be this way forever and moving on with life, I hated, pitied, and ran from myself and everyone else. "I know vat vill make you feel better." I looked a question up at him. "A shower." He stood, pulling me up as well, and led me ter the bathroom. He grabbed his forgotten bottle of shampoo from the floor as we walked by.
We had a nice shower together. I think I probably would've enjoyed it more if I hadn't been in such a solemn mood. Kurt mothered me by washing my hair and scrubbing me down. Then I watched dazedly as he lathered himself up with his shampoo. I tried ter help, but he just shooed me away and told me ter relax under the water. He was so gorgeous and graceful, and I found myself thinking back ter when I woke ter him standing in a trace by my bed. I counted meself lucky that things worked out the way they did, because this stunning man just confessed that he loved me.
After the shower, we climbed inter bed and held each other.
"Vill you tell me about it?" he asked quietly as he ran his fingertips over my bandage-clad chest. This was the question I had avoided since it happened. The question I dreaded and feared, because talking about it would just cut the scars open again. And talking about it with *Kurt* would just throw salt on the wounds. But...if I couldn't talk about it with him--the man who loved me--then there was no hope fer me. "You don't have to," he added when he noticed my hesitation. I shook my head and felt my eyes crinkle in a sad smile.
*No, I should tell yer. But I've never talked about it wif anyone before. It...it's hard.* He nodded and gave my cheek a reassuring kiss. I shifted my position nervously and sighed.
*It's a pretty gruesome tale. Yer sure yer wanner hear it?* He simply nodded, not being forceful about it, giving me a chance ter back out. But, as much as I wanted ter just push it ter the back of my mind and leave it there, I knew that it would make me feel better in the end. Right? Isn't that how it's supposed ter work?
*I was with me girlfriend, Gayle, at her place the day it happened. We were...arguing. Christ, I don't even remember how it started.* I shook my head, remembering all the fights Gayle and I got inter. Most of the time, it was my fault. I'll admit it. I loved her, but I was too inter my music, and at times Gayle felt left out and abandoned, so she found any excuse ter jump on my case.
*Anyway, she told me I had ter choose between my music an' her because she couldn't take it no more. And that infuriated me. As I stood there, yelling at her--barely containing the urge ter hit her-- I kept feeling this incredible pressure inside. I passes it off as heartburn at first, but it only got worse. And then...it happened. It was like a bomb went off inside o' me.* I paused, lost in the memory of that day. *I don't think I was out fer very long. I don't even know why I woke up ter begin with. I should've been in a coma right then. But when I came ter, I was laying on the floor, covered in blood and...this fire.* I gave a little grunt of a laugh. *I tried puttin' meself out. And that's when I saw the hole in my chest. My brain was too shocked ter understand what was going on.*
"Did it hurt?" Kurt asked.
*Not at first. I was numb from shock. And once I truly acknowledged that my chest was blown open, the pain seeped in. It was crippling and so...REAL. The type of pain that tells you yer dying.* Just the memory alone made my chest hurt. I closed my eyes, trying ter will it away. *Through all the confusion and shock, I remembered Gayle. I crawled ter my feet, barely able ter walk. The blast had thrown her across the room. I tried ter say her name but...not fucking mouth. No fucking vocal cords. When I reached her, there was so much blood and gore. I bent ter see how bad she was hurt--* I felt that mysterious lump in my throat again and found it hard ter go on. Kurt gently caressed my cheek. His touch gave me strength and I continued. *She wasn't bleedin' much. In fact, I couldn't see where she was hurt enough ter have so much blood on her. And that's when it hit me that what I was seeing was from me. Bits of ME! My insides plastered ter her like morbid icing on a macabre cake. I recall feeling that if I still had a stomach I would've vomited all over her.*
"Jono, zat's terrible," Kurt whispered, appalled. I could only nod and continue. It had been hard ter start talking about my horrible manifestation experience, but now that I was going it was hard to stop.
*When I understood that all me organs were spread all over her and the room, I felt that same pressure build. I turned away from Gayle just in time before I blew again. And everythin' went dark after that.
*I woke up nearly a week later, in the hospital. I was wrapped in these bandages.* I tapped my chest. *From what I understood from the nurses--that is, the nurses who weren't afraid ter talk ter me--they had a pretty hard time with me psi fire. Apparently I burned quite a few normal bandages, as well as the doctor's hands!* I sighed. *The bloody docs told me I was clinically dead, not havin' a heart and all. Some of 'em were fascinated wif me. I was alive, but yet...I wasn't.* I shook my head. *It took me nearly a month ter realize I could speak telepathically.* I was quiet fer a while. *That's it, really. Been alone ever since.*
Kurt leaned over and kissed my cheek. "I had no idea." He gathered me in his arms. I felt warm and safe. "Do you feel a little better?"
*Not really.* He chucked. I actually felt worse right now. But I didn't tell him. I've never "discussed my feelings" before. I didn't know what ter expect. *I thought this was supposed ter help.*
"In time, mein beautiful pirate. In time."
Part 8
I awoke the next morning with a heaviness in my stomach. The same kind of heaviness that accompanied worry and fear. Having just woke up, my groggy brain couldn't comprehend why I felt this way. Then things slowly started to come back to me. I remembered the awe-inspiring, so-good-it-hurts sex I had with Jono the night before and immediately after that the conversation we'd had about his manifestation experience. The feeling in my stomach got worse.
I didn't need to look over to his side of the bed to know it was empty. The warmth from his almost intolerable body heat was absent.
But I looked anyway.
Sure enough, empty. I sat up and rubbed my bleary eyes and willed that heavy feeling to go away. So. Jono recalled a horrible, scarring experience last night and now he was gone. Coincidence?
I stood from the bed and gave my body a well-deserved stretch, letting a groan of approval escape my lips. I also happened to notice a certain few muscles ache in protest. It didn't matter how many hours in the Danger Room I would ever have--some muscles just didn't get a proper work out except during a wholly satisfying sexual encounter.
I walked to the bathroom slowly, my mind not letting go of Jono and the night before. I had to admit that when I'd told him that I love him, I was expecting an "I love you too" kind of answer. I understood that the last few days had been very emotionally charged, but I really would like to know where his feelings for me stood. Love is not something I take lightly and if he was just using me as an emotional crutch, I'd really like to know about it before I got to the point of no return.
Oh, wait. I was already there.
I was in the middle of brushing my teeth when the pounding at my bedroom door startled me out of my thoughts. I knew it was him and my heart raced. I quickly rinsed and wiped my mouth, then teleported to my door. I reached for the knob.
"Vere have you been, Jono--" I stopped when I realized it wasn't him, my mouth hanging open like a complete fool. Logan stood there, his hands stuffed in the pockets of a very worn brown leather jacket. I closed my gaping mouth. "Herr Logan!"
"Hey Fuzz Ball," he said, "got a minute?" He hadn't called me Fuzz Ball in a while. I had always found his nicknames for the team very amusing. I laughed and gestured for him to come in. "Actually, I was hoping we could take a walk."
Oh. I had planned on looking for Jono once I was properly dressed, but Logan was not a man to waste your time. If he came to your door wanting a few minutes, it must be important--at least, to him, anyway.
"Let me grab a shirt." He nodded and waited silently as I threw on a sweat shirt. I heard the quick, sharp intake of breath behind me as he sniffed my room. I always wondered what it would be like to have a nose like Logan's. Sure, I had great senses, better than most, but Logan was in a class by himself.
It was cool outside. The sun was high in the sky, shinning down on us like God's spotlight. Logan was leading the way, taking us down through the gardens. It was too cold for the flowers to bloom, but even in the fall and winter the gardens here were still a sight to see. We passed them silently and finally came to a stop under the trees lining the woods. Logan leaned against one of the trees and began.
"I wanted to talk to ya about Chamber." I felt my tail clench as my body went tense. I wasn't really expecting this. "I've been noticin' the kid hangin' around ya a lot lately, and I figured that now would be a good time to talk to ya since he's training in the Danger Room--"
"Oh, he's training?" I asked, relieved. At least I knew where he was now and why he left. Logan frowned slightly.
"Yeah, with Gumbo and Cyke. Thought ya knew that since he left yer room this morinin'. Which is why I wanted to talk to ya." I swallowed and nodded. I knew what was coming. "What...what's goin' on with you two? I know yer a private man, Kurt, and I don't mean to pry, but--"
"Nein," I said, interrupting him. Logan and I were friends--best friends, even--and if I couldn't share this with him what good was our friendship? I felt I understood and knew Logan on a level few others could admit to. I had told him from the beginning that he didn't need to hide any part of himself from me, even those parts that others would run screaming from. Over the years of our friendship, he realized that I meant it. I think he really appreciated it.
And now it was my turn to not be afraid to show him this part of me. Besides, with the number of telepaths in the mansion, it was only a matter of time before everyone knew anyway. So, how do I tell one of my best friends--who has only ever seen me with women--that I'm in a relationship with a man?
"Logan, Jono and I..." No, couldn't start it like that. I cleared my throat. "Jono is..." No, no, no. Logan was clearly picking up on my uneasiness as he sighed and said:
"Spit it out, Elf."
I frowned and decided to take a different approach. "Zere is som'zing zat I have been hiding from myself for some time." He grunted to encourage me to continue. "I...am attracted to men." I paused to let that seep in. He was quiet for a few seconds, then ran his short, squared fingers through his dark hair.
"I knew that already Kurt. In part, anyway." I froze at his words. He knew already? "Sometimes, I could smell yer attraction around some of the other teammates. The...male...teammates. But I wasn't for sure, until just now." I nodded and looked away, feeling awkward around him for the first time.
"Does...does zis change things between us?" Logan surprised me by letting out a loud bark of laughter.
"You're a man of constant perplexities, Kurt, I'll give ya that. Just when I think I've got ya figured out, ya throw somethin' else at me." He laughed again and shook his head. "You being gay is not a problem for me. I want ya to be yerself. Hell, I haven't seen ya glow like this since...well, never."
I felt like the world had lifted from my shoulders and I couldn't stop the smile that nearly ripped my face in half.
"So, uh, you and the kid, huh?" I nodded, feeling my face grow hot.
"Ja, it has been a bit rocky, but I care for him."
"Whadda ya mean, rocky?"
"Vell, he has problems vit' accepting ze vay he is. And he has yet to tell me how he feels about me. My biggest fear at zis point is zat I am no'zing but emotional support--someone to tell him every'zing vill be okay." Logan nodded and was silent for a bit.
"Kurt, are ya sure about...Chamber? The kid's a loner--"
"Like you," I interrupted, but he continued as if I hadn't spoken.
"--and he obviously has problems he can't handle. I'm just afraid he'll bring ya down."
I was quiet for a while, thinking about what he said. Is that how others saw Jono? A dark loner who can't handle his own problems? I found it hard to believe that I was the only person here who saw more to Jono than that.
"Logan...zere vere some people here who thought ze same things of you ven you first arrived."
"That's not my point, Elf." He leaned close to me and his nostrils flared as he took a quick sniff of me. "I wasn't *sleeping* with you when I got here. You know this kid fer a couple weeks and yer takin' him to bed with ya? It's not like you. I just want to make sure you know what yer doin'." I felt my tail twitch behind me at his words.
"I appreciate your concern, Herr Logan. But vhat Jono and I do behind closed doors is our business. I am a grown man, able to make mein own decisions, and so is he."
"But he's trouble. I don't wanna see ya hurt--" He suddenly stopped in mid sentence and sniffed the air. A second later, Jono's angry mental voice slithered through our minds.
*Trouble, eh?* I twirled around and saw him approaching us, his eyebrows drawn together in a scowl. *Yer think I'm not good enough fer Kurt? Is that it, then?* I knew what was going to happen here. Jono's nostrils were flared. Logan's hands were out of his pockets and balled into tight fists. I was standing between two short-tempered men. It was not a good thing.
"What ever happened to privacy? Came out here to talk ta Kurt alone," Logan said. "And if ya don't mind, I'd like ta finish the conversation the way it started out--without you." I had to do something before it got out of hand.
"Gentlemen--"
*Not going anywhere, mate.*
"Not yer mate, boy." Jono's eyes narrowed to slits.
"Gentlemen!" I tried again.
*Bloody jealous bastard!* That was it. Logan growled and lunged forward as Jono began pulling at his bandages.
It all happened in a flash, literally. Logan roughly pushed me out of the way and was able to get in a punch a split second before Jono released his bandages. There was a hissing, then a loud roar as Logan was thrown back from the blast of Jono's psi fire. They both went down.
Logan was instantly back on his feet, his clothes singed and smoking in several places. Jono was slowly sitting up, cupping his nose. Logan crouched down to pounce. I had to stop this before it got worse. I stepped in Logan's path, forcing him to either stop or run through me.
"Stop! Both of you!" I could hear Jono getting to his feet behind me, but didn't turn to look at him, afraid that if I did Logan would take his chance and strike. "No more."
Logan's eyes darted to me, then back to Jono. "Next time, I use these." He lifted his fist and his claws popped out. He looked at me with an expression I couldn't quite read, then walked passed me towards the mansion. "Keep yer firecracker on a leash," he said, sheathing his claws as he passed Jono.
Part 9
"Bloody jealous bastard?! Of all ze things you could have said to him at zat particular moment and you chose bloody jealous bastard! You're lucky you are still alive!"
*That's fuckin' great, Kurt! Take his bleedin' side!* I turned away from him, still sheltering my nose with my cupped hand. My nose felt broken. *I* felt broken. It wasn't really pain, since I lacked that sensation now, but more of an uncomfortable pressure. *I think he broke my sodding nose!* Kurt walked up ter me and pulled my hand away ter see the damage. He winced. I looked at my fingers and palm and saw thick, brownish blood staining them. I was amazed. I didn't think I could bleed anymore.
"Ve should take you to ze Med Lab so Hank can look at you."
*Don't need it. I'll be fine,* I said, being stubborn. I really didn't want ter go back ter the mansion right this moment. After all, the wound in my pride was still steaming. Kurt sighed.
"Vat vas zat about, anyvay?"
*Was it not obvious ter yer, Kurt?!*
"It vas quite obvious zat you vere jealous--"
*ME??!* I gave a surprised laugh. *I may have been jealous, sure. But Logan was layin' it on a lot thicker than I was, luv! Didn't yer see that?* Kurt's dark eyebrows plunged down in a confused scowl.
"Logan is not attracted to men--"
*An' how would yer know, luv? You get inside his head? I know jealousy when I see and hear it! He's jealous because he never saw what he had until he could no longer have it!* Understanding suddenly touched his features, but he tried ter pass it off as he looked away. His tail was giving him away as it wound itself inter knots. *And now he's bitter because I got yer and he'll tell yer anythin' he can fer yer ter leave me!*
And it scares the shit out of me that yer will, I wanted ter tell him.
"Fine, I vill talk to him--"
*No, not without me.* Kurt folded his arms over his chest. I reached down and grabbed my forgotten bandages and started ter wrap myself up again, turning slightly from him.
"Jono, you are not helping ze situation any." I felt my nostrils flare. Kurt's jaw line tensed and he shook his head slowly. "Let's get you cleaned up, Leibling, and zen you and I vill talk." He walked up ter me and embraced me. I knew what he was going ter do, but before I could pull away, the world was nothing but darkness and stench.
When I could see again, my brain had a hard time understanding where I was. I had thought we were going ter either my room or his, but instead medical supplies and stainless steel tables surrounded me. A surprised Hank McCoy was sitting at a desk in the corner where he had been looking over some papers.
"Take care of him, Henry," Kurt said.
*Kurt--*
BAMF
Fer several seconds, I couldn't move. Kurt...tricked me. He...brought me here...and left. Did it really happen? Was I really standing here with nothing but McCoy and the lingering smell of sulfur?
McCoy stood, concern plastered ter his face as he eagerly walked over ter me. When he saw the thick, dark blood surrounding my nose, his eyes lit up.
"Fascinating." I rolled my eyes. I was in no mood ter put up with the excitement that illness and injury bestowed upon the doctor.
*Just give me a towel, mate, so I can clean up and get the hell otter here.* My anger was starting to boil, and the sooner I left the better.
"I would prefer to examine you--"
*No, I need ter find Kurt.* I turned ter leave when it was obvious that he was not going ter help me clean up, but he grabbed me, his grip strong and unrelenting.
"Jonothon--"
*Jono,* I interrupted, yanking my arm from his grasp. It was more of he *let* me go, because McCoy was just as strong as he looked.
"Jono," he corrected, "I have no disillusions about the relationship that you hold with my fine German friend. Since the night that we discovered his somnambulism, the two of you have hardly been apart." He sighed, removing his small reading glasses and folding them into the pocket on his white coat. He walked over to a cabinet in the corner and pulled out a small white towel. "However, I do not feel that you should be chasing after him when it was clear he left you here for a reason."
*I told yer. I'll be fine. I don't need medical attention.* He handed the towel ter me and frowned.
"That's not the context in which I was speaking." I took the towel from him slowly, thinking about what he said. I realized that until this very moment I saw McCoy as a one-dimensional stereotypical doctor. But now I saw that he was more than his books and big words.
*It's really none of yer business, McCoy," I said quietly. He gave me a sad smile, which ebbed my anger some. Damn him, I wanted ter be angry!
"You are correct, Jono, it isn't. But your bloody nose is." I looked down, gripping the towel much harder than was necessary. I couldn't deny that I was curious, but I was torn between wanting ter leave ter find Kurt and wanting ter know why my nose was slowly leaking thick brownish fluid. I thought all my blood had drained from me or burned away after I manifested.
*Alright, tell me, doctor. Why am I bleeding? But make it fast!* McCoy frowned, clearly not pleased ter be rushed. I knew that it would just tickle him pink ter do a full medical analysis with blood tests and x-rays or some other crap, but I didn't want any part of it. I had me share of hospitals and the like after me body exploded.
McCoy leaned slightly closer ter me and sniffed. When he pulled away, it was obvious from the face he made that his enhanced sense of smell picked up something he didn't like. *Can't help the smell,* I told him, thinking it was the faint odor my psi fire gives off that he was sniffing. I was a little offended that he so blatantly disapproved.
"No, no, no! The gaseous smell that radiates from your bionuclear psionic fire is not what displeases me." He took the towel from me and wiped some of the blood from my nose. He looked closely at the bloodied towel. "Hmmm," his deep, throaty voice rumbled, almost sounding like a growl. I raised an eyebrow at this reaction, impatient for an explanation.
*Well?!* He wiped at my nose again before answering, and I noticed this time that the blood seemed clumped. McCoy's frown deepened.
"Since you will not allow me a legitimate examination, I can only speculate that your frontal sinuses--most possibly the ethmoid and sphenoid sinuses--filled with blood when your powers manifested and never properly drained."
I shrugged. *Whatever. Is my nose broken?*
McCoy shook his head. "Are you in any pain?"
*Not pain, just pressure.* He nodded and wiped my nose again. I got the distinct feeling that he liked ter mother people. Maybe that's
why he made such a good doctor.
"Yes, well, I suspect that your sinuses will continue to drain throughout the day. You should relax until tomorrow." He turned and walked the towel ter a wastebasket. "But I would like to run some tests on you. You are quite the medical marvel, Mr. Starsmore--"
*Hank.*
"--and if I could just put to rest some questions about your physical--"
*Hank!* He stopped and looked at me expectantly. *Thanks fer yer help, but I've got ter go.* I turned ter leave.
"But Jono, there is a matter we should discuss concerning--"
*Later,* I told him, leaving him ter get back ter his paperwork. I shook my head as I walked back ter my room. Tests. I had enough of them after I blew up. Definitely didn't need anymore. Besides, what else could he tell me that I didn't already know? My body's basically dead. The energy that swirls in me keeps me "alive". Not much more ter it than that, and I really didn't need medical tests ter remind me of those facts.
Walking Dreams Part 10
I knew I would get an earful from Jono later for dumping him in the Med Lab. I would just have to deal with that when it came. Right now I had to put to rest what was going through my head: Logan.
It never occurred to me that Logan could have feelings for me. Why would it? Logan was too...too....Well, there was always Jean. The never-ending quest for Jean's affections. I tried not to push the issue. On the occasions that Logan and I went drinking together, he would mention her sometimes. I knew it was a lost cause for him, but I never said anything. It's wrong to squander a man's dreams, no matter how unreachable.
So how did it come to this? How did it come to be that I was walking to his room to approach him about possible attractions to *me*?
I stopped in front of his bedroom door, feeling very nervous. If I were in better circumstances, I would have waited a while before talking to Logan so he could cool off a little. But, since I had no idea how long Hank would keep Jono occupied, I was in a bit of a rush. So, I knocked. And waited. Each second that passed seemed like an eternity and a half. Finally I knocked again, but I could hear no movement from inside.
I turned from the door and ran a hand through my hair. If I were Logan, were would I be? Let's see...I just got angry and punched someone. I would probably be very frustrated and want to punch more things...in the Danger Room, of course.
To save precious time, I bamfed to the Control Room. Through the glass walls that overlooked the Danger Room I could see Logan pounding away at his holographic enemies. His shirt was gone, ripped to shreds long before I got here.
I looked over at the computer and saw that it was set at a high level, higher than it should have been since he was alone. He must have been more upset than I thought. I stopped his training session and looked down at him. He'd been in mid-swing and lost his balance when his claws didn't hit their intended destination. He stumbled a few steps, then looked up at the Control Room windows with angry confusion. Even from so far away I could tell that when he saw me his eyes darkened. I gave an apologetic look, then teleported down.
"Whaddya want, Elf?" he asked as he sheathed his claws.
"I vas hoping ve could talk?" He frowned and crossed his arms over his chest.
"I gotta be somewhere soon. Make it quick." I nodded and opened my mouth to start, but movement caught my eye. I looked up to the Control Room to see Scott there, looking down at us with a stern expression.
"Uh, can ve go somevhere private?"
"Is Sparky gonna show up ta defend his honor again?" I sighed and shook my head.
"Nein. Jono is in ze Med Lab. He vas bleeding--"
"Thought he didn't bleed."
"Vell, no. Henry is looking him over." Logan was quiet for a while, keeping his eyes to the floor, his jaw tense.
"Fine. My room. But you gotta wait while I take a shower." I leaned closer to him and sniffed, then made a playfully disgusted face.
"Not a problem. In fact, I vill teleport us zere. Ze sooner ze better." He narrowed his eyes at me.
"Don't push yer luck, Elf." I laughed as I embraced him for the teleport.
**********************
"So, ya wanted ta talk. Talk," Logan said. We were sitting in the lounge chairs in the corner of his room. Logan's room was near the Danger Room. There weren't that many rooms down here and most were empty, so sometimes some of the teammates came here to have a quiet beer with Logan, myself included. I had taken the liberty of pulling out two beers from his mini-fridge while he was in the shower. He downed half the bottle and looked at me expectantly.
I fidgeted with the label on my bottle. I guess I should have planned on what I was going to say while he'd been in the shower, but my mind just didn't want to relinquish Jono. And now, under his questioning gaze, I felt like a kid in school without my homework.
"Uh, I just vanted to finish our conversation from earlier, since ve vere interrupted." He gave a nod and waited for me to continue. I looked down at my bottle and took a nervous sip. No other way to say it than just come right out and say it, right?
"It has come to my attention zat perhaps you are...attracted to me. I just vant to put my mind at ease about it." I chanced a glance at him and found that he was smiling. It was a strange, unreadable smile-- not very humorous at all.
"Don't ya mean ta say that ya want to put *Chamber's* mind at ease?" I shrugged.
"Does it really matter?"
"Look, Kurt, yer a great drinkin' buddy. A good man. You've always been there for me. I wanted to do the same for you. When I talked to you about Chamber, it was not for selfish reasons. I wanted ta make sure ya know what yer doin'."
"Vit Jono I do. At least, I think I do." I took another sip of beer before continuing. "I love him."
Logan sighed and finished off his own beer, then nodded like a man accepting the worst in a situation. "Thought you might say that. He love you?"
I looked away and shrugged, feeling that same heaviness from this morning form in my stomach again. "I'm not sure. It is hard to get him to talk about...feelings." Logan grunted. "But if anyzing, he has helped me see things from different perspectives."
"What do ya mean?"
"Vell, since ve have been talking, I have been thinking a lot about my beliefs. He helped me get over my fear of my homosexuality and ze consequences I once thought my religion would bring." I looked away, almost afraid to say what I was going to say next, as if it weren't Logan sitting in the seat across from me but God Himself. "I don't see Christianity in the same vay anymore." I heard movement, and Logan's empty beer bottle hit the floor with a soft clunk. I glanced up at him and saw his eyes were wide with surprise.
"What? Yer...yer givin' up yer faith?"
My own eyes went wide at the question, and I shook my head quickly. "Nein! My faith is still strong. But..." I trailed off, trying to find the right words. "It's different." Logan shook his head.
"Explain this to me."
I took a quick swig of beer to prepare myself. "For years, I struggled vith myself. Vhy did I have zese feelings if God told me I vas wrong? It vas like trying to put a puzzle together but I vas missing a piece. And vhen I started seeing Jono, he helped me find zat piece. I realized zat *God* vasn't telling me I vas wrong. *Christianity* vas." I paused to let that sink in, not just for Logan but for me as well. I had thought this over so much in the past few days, but finally saying it out loud made it *real*. I took the silence as an opportunity to guzzle down the rest of my beer. It settled in my stomach and I immediately felt more relaxed as warmth spread out from my core.
"Kurt..." Logan began slowly. I lifted my eyes to him and was pleased to see no disappointment on his face. "You know, I never thought much about God and religion until I met you. I was too concerned about what happened to me and where I came from to really care. And then Chuck came along, and once I got here it was just one damn thing after another. Jeanie, Weapon X, Sabretooth, the list goes on." He sighed and bent down to pick up the fallen bottle. "When I met you, you taught me that there's more to the world than me, and all those problems of mine didn't seem so important. You taught me the beauty in faith."
I was moved by what Logan was saying. I had never heard him speak this way before about anyone, and the fact that he was speaking this way about *me* touched me. I had no idea the impression I left on him, but now that I knew, I felt a certain pride in it, and I was happy that I affected him in this way. I opened my mouth to speak, but before the words could form, he continued.
"What I'm tryin' ta say is that no matter what ya believe, you've got a big heart and it affects others. And if Chamber breaks that heart..." He trailed off to let the threat hang in the air. I nodded.
"Don't vorry, I--"
The bedroom door suddenly opened, cutting me off. We both turned to see who it was, and for a split second, my gut twisted in paralyzing fear that it was Jono. Not that I was guilty, but I didn't want him to get hurt again.
"Ready to go, homme? Remy starving!" Gambit walked into the room. He looked over to us and saw the empty bottles of beer in our hands. Just for an instant, I thought I saw his red on black eyes darken when they saw me, but just as quickly as it came, it was gone, and I was left wondering if I had imagined it. "Kurt!"
"Guten Tag, Remy," I replied, smiling at him.
"You never heard of knockin', Cajun?" Logan asked.
"Didn't t'ink I needed to. We got plans, non? Besides, Remy was hopin' to walk in on you naked--"
Logan coughed and stood quickly, then busied himself by taking his bottle to the wastebasket in the corner. I looked at Remy and raised a questioning eyebrow. Naked?
"Logan didn' tell you, Kurt?" he asked. I shook my head slowly.
"There's nothin' ta tell, Gumbo!" Logan said as he spun around quickly. Remy frowned and put a hand on one narrow hip.
"Not'in to tell, eh? Fine, if dat's de way you feel--"
"Oh, fer Christ's sake, would ya stop bein' such a girl about things, Cajun?!" My eyes widened in shock at Logan's words. I looked from one to the other, trying to burn this moment into my memory, because I suddenly realized that I was witnessing a lover's quarrel. Between *these* two.
Gambit reached into his duster for the pack of playing cards he always kept there. "Let's settle dis now, mon ami. You an' me." I stood slowly, preparing to step in if needed, but I had to be honest with myself...I didn't really want to have to get between these two when the fight started.
Logan walked up and put his face close to Remy's, his fists curled tight. The air around them was thick with tension. "Fine by me," he said as Remy pulled out his cards. They stared at each other for several seconds, but the move they made was not the one I was prepared for. Remy dropped his cards and wrapped his arms swiftly around Logan's waist, pulling him close. They kissed hard and with fevered passion, barely breaking for air. Logan roughly thrust his fingers through Remy's hair, tugging gently.
It must have taken me a full minute to recover. I closed my gaping mouth and blinked.
"Uh, perhaps I should go," I said as I inched for the door. Neither of them stopped to say good-bye as I exited. I closed the door behind me and shook my head. What a shock. I would have never guessed. Logan and Remy...I had to admit that I was a little upset that Logan didn't tell me, but I suppose he felt the same way about me keeping Jono from him. But...*Remy*?! I thought they hated each other! It must be a love-hate relationship from what I saw in the room.
I was still wrapping my brain around this as I made my way to the Med Lab to find Jono. There was definitely no need for Jono to be jealous now...
I entered the Med Lab to find just Hank standing over some tubes with oddly colored liquids in them. He looked up and smiled at me.
"Hi, Henry. Vhat happened to Jono?"
"Ah, yes. Jono. He left. To find you, I believe," he replied.
"Is he alright?"
"He just has some blood in his sinuses." He walked over to me, and said quietly, "There's something we should discuss before you go to see him. I tried to talk to him myself, but he was a man on a mission. I couldn't stop him." There was something to Henry's tone that caught my full attention. I nodded. "Come with me," he said as he walked towards his office. I followed him, feeling that same heaviness in my stomach from before.
Part 11
I had been standing in the loo fer more than fifteen minutes. Or maybe it was twenty. Lost track, really. I was staring in the mirror at me reflection, watching as the thick brownish blood dripped from my nose, over my bandages, and fell ter the sink below.
~Drip~
I came back here instead of wandering off ter find Kurt. Didn't want him ter see me like this. Didn't want ter confirm that he was with Logan. So, here I was in the loo, looking at meself and thinking.
~Drip~
What had happened ter me? When did my life become a swirling pile of shit in the toilet? Oh, that's right. After my face blew off.
~Drip~
But it was time ter just live with it. So, Fate handed me an obstacle. A really fucking big obstacle. I'll just have ter make a detour. It was finally time ter get over this.
~Drip~
I had Kurt now. So what if Logan wanted him? *I* had him. Me. The man who was missing half his face. Kurt was mine, and I love him. I love him.
~Drip~
I wanted a life with Kurt. A *real* life. Not ter sound too much like a bloody girl, but he made me giddy. He made me look forward ter things. Sure, we wouldn't have the two kids--let's face it: dad I'm NOT--but we could have the white picket fence and the dog. A big fucking German Shepherd or something.
~Drip~
But until I get over my self-fucking-pity, we would never be happy. Never. I would constantly bring us down. I would always try ter find ways ter break us apart. And in my heart (yes, I decided I *did* have one after all--it was just lost fer a while) I didn't want ter lose Kurt. He was my everything.
~Drip~
So, what ter do about this? Fight ter keep him, even if that means fighting with meself. So I got dealt a bad hand. But so did Kurt. *He* didn't sit around all day hating himself fer how he looks. He went out, loved God, loved others, loved himself. And he was a better man fer it.
~Drip~
And that's when I made my final decision. I would get over this. Stop feeling sorry fer meself and just love the best thing that's ever happened ter me. Even if it *doesn't* last, even if Kurt came ter his senses and realized I wasn't worth it and left me, I would be happy until that day came. Better ter have loved and lost than never ter have loved at all, right?
~Drip~
V
The blood was slowing down now. I grabbed a towel from the holder by the sink and wiped at my nose, all the while still watching my reflection. My skin was normally pale, but now there seemed ter be a shimmer ter it that hadn't been there before. It was almost as if the psionic fire within was burning brightly, lighting my skin from the inside like how the light from a flashlight would shine through yer hand. This had never happened ter me, even in my most red-hazed fits of anger.
It unsettled me, but as I watched my reflection closer, the shimmer faded away, leaving a pale, hollowed shell of a man I barely recognized.
I looked down from the mirror, no longer able ter stand the sight, and began ter clean up my mess. I washed the blood in the sink away and left the room. I would find Kurt and tell him the conclusion I had come ter. I would tell him I love him.
I felt renewed now, as if I gained strength from the love I felt fer him. I was a man walking toward Destiny, with Disaster in my path and all kinds of Hazards ter trip over. But I would walk the path nonetheless because what lies at the end is my salvation. Salvation in the form of a blue furry man with a tail. But salvation all the same.
I rushed ter the door and stepped out, feeling as though if I didn't get ter Kurt fast enough this new elation that had come over me would fade away, and I would be left an empty shell once more. I spotted Bobby down the hall, walking ter his room, which was across from mine. When he saw me he froze, his eyes wide, then quickly turned away ter go back the way he'd come.
*Bobby!* He stopped when I said his name, his shoulders tense.
"Don't you mean 'Frosty'?" he asked, his voice cold (no pun intended).
Oh, right. I'd forgotten that I'd called him that a few nights ago in one of my I'm-So-Angry-I-Don't-Care moods.
*Er, sorry 'bout that, mate,* I said, making a real effort ter apologize, which was something I was not good at. But at least I was making an attempt. He turned ter face me. His face was hard, but his eyes were soft, as though he was only *trying* to look unforgiving.
"What do you want, *Jono*?" The emphasis on my name was obvious, but I deserved it so I couldn't really get upset over it.
*Have yer seen Kurt?*
Please don't say he's with Wolverine, please don't say he's with Wolverine.... The thought ran through my head over and over as I mentally crossed my fingers. Bobby frowned.
"Uh, no, he's not with Wolverine."
I froze. He heard my thoughts. Well, everyone hears my conversation thoughts, but it had been a long, *long* time since I let my private thoughts slip. I felt a little embarrassed that Bobby caught that, but he continued on.
"He's in the Med Lab. I went to visit Hank, but he was busy with Kurt. They were talking or something." He shrugged. "Don't know what about."
I nodded and felt my eyes crinkle. *Thanks.* Bobby inclined his head and walked past me ter his room. I started fer the Med Lab, all the while thinking of how I would word this ter Kurt. I've never told anyone I love them, and that thought alone almost stopped me in my tracks. Not even ter Gayle had I spoken those three words. Not ter my absent mum or dad. Not ter Paige.
Kurt was the first ter deserve it, really and truly.
Just the thought of it made me warm inside, made imaginary butterflies flutter in my imaginarystomach. And they kept beating their wings until I stepped inter the Med Lab.
It was quiet inside, surprisingly. There were usually a whole lot of people scrambling about in the lab, or injured kids in the offices, but today it was still. Eerie, like there was the threat of something unspoken and tragic hanging in the air. Or maybe it was just because I hated hospitals with a passion. That could be it.
I searched around fer the doctor and Kurt, but found them nowhere in the main room, so I checked Hank's office. The door was left ajar slightly, and I heard soft murmurs from inside. There was a brief silence, so I took my opportunity. I knocked as I pushed the door open. Hank was sitting behind his desk, his large fingers entwined and resting in his lap. He was studying Kurt intently, who was seated in one of the high-backed chairs in front of the desk. Kurt's face was dark, his features shadowed. His brow was furrowed and his normally plump lips were set in a tense straight line.
They both looked up ter me as I stepped in. Kurt's face immediately softened when he saw me, but his eyes remained troubled.
*Wot's the sad news?* I asked. *Did some bloke's puppy just die?* My eyes were crinkled in a playful 'smile', but neither of them lightened up. Kurt gave a glance ter Hank that spoke volumes, but not in a language I understood.
"Jono, perhaps you should sit," Hank said, gesturing ter the empty chair across from Kurt. I looked at it, then ter Kurt, and finally back ter Hank.
I started ter walk ter the chair, but Kurt stood quickly and grabbed my arm. "Jono and I should talk alone," he said as he began ter pull me fer the door.
"But I think it's best if you--"
Kurt glared back at Hank, who quieted and nodded.
"Whatever you feel is best," Hank finished.
I was confused by it all, not ter mention the sense of dread that was forming in my absent gut.
*Wot're you lot talking about?* I asked as Kurt led me out ter the hall. He didn't look at me, didn't explain.
"Let's just get back to your room, all right? I don't vant to tell you here, in ze hallvay."
I felt my eyes widen as a twisted thought suddenly came ter me. What if Kurt was sick? What if he was going ter tell me he had some terminal disease and he only has a few months...a few weeks... And with that thought came others. What if Kurt talked ter Logan, talked ter Hank, and they convinced him ter leave me? What would I do?
I was so concerned with this that I didn't realize we were back in my room until Kurt was ushering me ter the bed. He sat me down on the edge and stood over me with a sadness in his eyes that disturbed me and made me uncomfortable. He reached up and ran his fingertips through my hair, then let his hands travel down ter rest on my shoulders.
"I see your nose stopped bleeding," he said. I nodded.
*McCoy said it would.*
He bent down on his knees and let his hands fall down ter my boots. "I'll take zese off for you." He started tugging at the straps on my clunkers. He lovingly removed one after a minute or so, then worked on the other.
*Kurt, wot's wrong, eh? Talk ter me.*
He loosened the buckles and slid the boot off my foot, then put it by it's brother. When he was finished, he stayed crouched down and rested his arms on my thighs, keeping his face lowered.
"Henry has given me...news."
My body does strange things when I get upset or stressed. I felt like the world was devoid of air, even though I hadn't needed ter breathe in years. My 'lungs' burned fer oxygen, like I was hyperventilating. Kurt was sick. I just knew it.
"It's news you won't like." I had ter stand up, pace, but I couldn't because Kurt was using me as a leaning post. "It's about you."
Oh.
Now that I knew Kurt wasn't dying, I tried to calm my imaginary heart. *Well, come on then. Tell me. I have something I need ter let out as well.*
Kurt finally looked up at me, his eyes now glowing softly. "You go first, zen, Leibling." I started ter protest, but he held up an elegant indigo hand. "I insist."
*Well, if yer insist...* I mentally took in a deep breath and prepared what I needed ter say. *I've been doing a lot of thinking, luv. Mainly about me. And every time I thought of my life, yer were there. I couldn't picture me without yer. I decided I want a real life with yer.* I grabbed one of his hands resting on my thigh. * I lover yer. More than anything.*
Kurt looked at me with wide eyes, emotions running pure and free. I felt his body shiver against my legs, and he dipped his head down ter rest on my knees. He was sobbing quietly. I had expected him ter be happy about the news, but I wasn't expecting him ter break down and cry about it. Kurt was the stronger of the two of us. I knew that now.
I tipped his chin up so he would look at me again. He could barely keep eye contact. *Is this bad crying?* I asked, not sure what was going through his head. He gave a half-laugh and wiped the tears away.
"Nein, Leibling. Not bad, happy. And sad."
I felt my eyes narrow in confusion. *What do yer mean?* My absent gut was churning again.
Another sob wracked him, and he looked away. He gripped my legs with serious fierceness. "Jono," he said at last, turning his head ter me once more, "you're dying."
Part 12
*What?!* Jono stood from the bed, forcing me off him. He looked down at me, his large eyes dark with disbelief. *What did yer just say?*
I looked to the floor, unable to let him see the raw hurt in my eyes, unable to let him down by being weak. I couldn't do that. I had to be strong. For him, I had to be strong.
"Henry told me before you got to ze Med Lab--"
*But I'm ALREADY dead! How can I die if I'm already dead?*
I stood to face him, wanting him to realize the seriousness of it all. I could tell by the tone of his voice that Jono didn't think Henry knew what he was talking about. "You vere told your body is dead because you have no heart, no heartbeat. But ze energy inside you takes ze place of your heart."
*Yeah, and?*
"Henry is not completely sure at ze moment. He has more of a theory right now zan anyzing. He vants to do tests to prove it. Wrong. To prove his theory wrong."
*Wot theory?* Jono asked, his body becoming tense. His fingers were curled in tight fists and his nostrils were flaring.
"He thinks your body is deteriorating. He says zat ze blood vas a sign--"
*But he said that the blood was just trapped in my sinuses,* Jono replied, his mental voice almost cracking with hysteria. *Just trapped.*
"Zat vas his first thought. Now...now he believes zat ze blood vas trapped zere because your body was sustaining it. But somezing's happening to make your psi fire eat avay at you."
*So, basically, I'm decomposing? Is that it, then?*
"In a vay, yes. It's more like your psi fire is burning avay vhat you have left."
Jono pushed past me to walk to the corner where he wrapped his long arms around himself. He started pacing, not looking at me. *It's my worst fear,* he mumbled quietly. *Worst.*
I walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder, feeling him trembling beneath my touch. He immediately stopped his pacing, but kept his eyes down. I had no idea that Jono had ever thought of what might happen to his body over time, but obviously I was wrong. Given his state, he had thought it over. Many times.
*I had a terrible dream once, long ago, while I was at the Academy. In the dream I was confronted by this...thing. Nothing but energy surrounding a skeleton, smiling wickedly down at me. It spoke ter me, telling me that I would lose it all one day and become what it was. No body. Just energy and a skeleton...just a THING.* He paused and shuddered once more. I gave his shoulder a squeeze, letting him know I was there to comfort him. *I knew then. I bloody well knew wot was gonner happen ter me.* He looked down to his hands suddenly, lifting them to eye level. *And here we are.*
As we both watched his hands, his skin started to glow. Anywhere that was not covered by clothing or bandages glittered with the color of the sun in a fading sunset. It lightened the room around us, giving the walls a splash of yellow. It was absolutely beautiful, made Jono seem like an angel. But it was a sign of death, and we both knew it.
"Vhat is happening?" I asked, stepping back. I was treating him like a fragile egg, afraid to touch him now, afraid that the tiniest pressure could crack his delicate shell.
*Dunno. I noticed it earlier today. Guess it means that McCoy's theory might not be proved wrong after all.*
I couldn't stop staring at him. As beautiful as it was to see him this way, it made my heart sink with the feeling of the
inevitable. "But I just found you," I said quietly. And it was true. The love of my life, he was, I realized then. The love I had been waiting for all these years to set me free, and he was standing three feet from me, watching as his own energy ate away at him. It just wasn't fair.
*I know, bloody brilliant, isn't it?* he asked, lowering his hands. *I finally decide ter get over meself and love yer. I admit ter meself that yer all I would ever want, and now...* He trailed off, not wanting to finish the sentence.
The glow from within him started to fade away until there was nothing left. With the light gone, the room darkened once more, leaving it with a cold, lonely feeling. I looked over to Jono. He seemed gaunt, drained, like the light show had taken a lot out of him. His skin was ashen and there were dark circles under his eyes.
A wave of determination gripped me, and I decided then that I would fight to keep him. "I von't let you go. Ve vill have Henry do ze tests he needs, and ve vill talk to Professor Xavier. I vill be at your side every moment until you are saved, zat I promise you." His eyes briefly met mine before drifting to the floor again as he reached out for me. I went to him and he gathered me into a tight embrace. I wouldn't lose him. Not ever.
I felt my tail wrap around his leg possessively as I rested my head in the hollow of his neck. I breathed in the scent of leather, enjoying it. I felt him run shaky fingers through my hair. I so desperately wanted to take away his fear and pain, but all I could offer at this point was my love and warmth. And from the way he clutched me to him, I could tell he needed me now much more than I needed him.
I pulled away from him. He made no protest as I began running my hands over his shoulders and down his chest. I felt the bumpy ridges of the bandages beneath his shirt, and for the first time since we'd been together I cursed them silently. I hated them for a moment, because they were the cause of his pain and fear. They were the cause of his body's betrayal. Maybe not the bandages themselves, but what they hid underneath. They were a partner to the crime.
Jono noticed my heated stare at his chest. He grabbed my hand that was still touching him and asked, *What are yer thinking?*
"How much I love you," I replied. It wasn't really a lie. After all, the reason I was hating his bandages right now was because I love him so much. His eyes crinkled in a sad smile.
My attention went back to his chest. The sudden hatred that had washed over me receded. I took the hem of his shirt in my hands and pulled it up. He lifted his arms so I could get it off him easier. Once the shirt was on the floor, I bent down on my knees and started with the buckle of his pants. I heard him give a husky mental sigh as I pulled his pants down. He stepped out of them, standing naked above me. Naked, except for the damned bandages wrapped tightly around him. I ignored them as I let my hands travel over his bare thighs, up his narrow hips, and finally stopping just above the dark patch of curly hair surrounding his growing erection. I teased the hair, letting my fingers tickle him as I drew invisible patterns there. He moaned quietly.
*Kurt,* he said, *I want ter feel yer in me.*
I didn't stop my teasing as I asked, "Are you sure?"
He reached down and grabbed my hand to pull me to my feet. He pressed the length of his body against mine, letting me feel the evidence of his arousal.
*What do yer think?*
His hands were suddenly everywhere on me, pulling and tugging at my clothes, almost ripping them off me. His attentions were fierce, but passionate. His eyes were dark with a sizzling lust fueled by, I'm guessing, the inevitable. Once my clothes were in a crumpled heap on the floor, I embraced him and cupped his buttocks, lifting him up. He wrapped his long legs around my waist as I walked us to the bed. He was incredibly light for his size, and instantly I understood why. Most of his insides were gone, making him much lighter than before he manifested. I pushed the almost disturbing thought from my mind as I lowered him down gently, still fearing that he would simply crumble any second.
I laid above him and memorized every feature of his face, wanting to never forget a single detail. His large brown eyes, the sharp curve of his nose, the delicate arch of his small ears. He noticed my engrossment and practically started to squirm under my gaze. But he never looked away, never tired to leave. He understood what I was doing and eventually relaxed.
*So...are yer just gonner look at me all night?* he asked as he thrust his hips against me, reminding me of what we started.
I smiled down at him and shook my head. "Hold zat thought," I said, bamfing to the bathroom to pick up the shampoo. When I bamfed right back, I could see the frown on his brow.
*Thought yer were supposed ter warn me.* He waved the dark smoke away from him, crinkling his nose.
"Oh, right. Sorry, Liebling."
He pushed me over and straddled my thighs, pinning me below him. He took the shampoo from my hand and looked skeptically at it. *We need ter find something ter use that won't get yer in trouble with McCoy.*
"True, but it smells so nice--" I stopped mid sentence when Jono took me in his hands and stroked slowly. Whatever I had wanted to say left me immediately. I moaned softly and closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of him.
When I felt his warm touch leave me, I opened my eyes to find him squeezing some of the shampoo in his hand. He let the bottle drop to the floor and began slicking the substance on me. My hands went to his hips as soon as he was finished and I lifted him, helping him get positioned over me. He lowered himself down on me slowly until I was sheathed all the way inside him. I felt a gasp escape my lips as I was pulled into the all-encompassing dance of pleasure.
I groaned as he started to move above me. I couldn't help but stare in awe at him. His beautiful alabaster skin made even paler by the black of his bandages, his soft, shaggy hair flying out in all directions, his eyes half-closed in concentration of his ecstasy, the way his hips moved over mine all heightened my own desire. I reached down and took his erection in my hand and began pumping in time with his thrusts.
*Oh, God,* he moaned as his pace quickened.
I had to restrain myself from the urge to flip him over and have my own crude and dirty way with him. His moans filled my head and I started to feel myself close. Jono grunted and suddenly stiffened, tightening around me, causing my hips to buck. His heat splashed over my chest, and the smell of him drove me wild. I gripped his hips and rammed into him roughly once more as I went rigid from the pleasure of it all. For what seemed like days, I was wrapped up in the warmth and satisfaction that we both just shared, and it took me several seconds to realize that Jono had collapsed on top of me, limp with the bliss that immediately follows.
I encircled him with my arms, which were feeling pretty rubbery and useless at the moment, and kissed him behind his ear.
We didn't talk. We didn't need to, really. Just being in the presence of each other was enough. It was all we had.
~End Part 12~