There are times, when reading your stories, that I almost feel as if I've intruded upon a private, sacred, secret moment. This is one of those times. Again, I've invaded the inner sanctum of Brian's head, thanks to your prose.
I'm sure Brian felt somewhat invaded when he saw that drawing. There's a private intimacy about that look few are willing to share.
About the gallery: Having been a witness to "The Look," you are so dead right. This is not an expression that can be faked; one must truly be lost to find it <bg>.
I like your Justin in this. He's neither a stomping, shrieking 12-year-old banshee, nor a grizzled old Wise Man on the mountain trapped inside a teen. He's a young man who's seen the real Brian, captured it, and appreciates it without the fancy accoutrements. And that's the way he should be...LOL.
12/2/03 RE: The Look
Paulie is a romantic! I liked this story...loved it. There are so many parts I could copy into this email as my favorites.You wrote Brian great...no surprise there. What was a surprise is how you wrote Justin. I liked him...very mature. Also, how you explained Justin through Brian. How he sees him. You know, I feel, on the show Brian doesn't show how he feels about Justin....that he respects him. It came through in your story. I don't know why this line stood out for me but I really liked it....
"especially when he looked directly at me... the continuing curiosity that looked into me instead of at me..." Then everything after that..I just loved the dialogue, the intensity, the details, the picture you paint. Very ROMANTIC...**sigh**
Brian speaks my words when he says that "every man's face looks beautiful at that moment."
You are a softie. But, its the side of you I like best. Very enjoyable story. MORE soon please!! Many hugs................K PS. You also educate your readers..I had to do a search on a few things so I knew for myself what it was. I probably shouldn't tell you that...you will think I am stupid!
11/22/03 RE: THe Look
Hey Paul,
I've been missing "Rumors", but this was even better. I love the way you get into Brian's head and the way he's realizing his emotions. I think this may become my favorite. Not that I don't enjoy the sex, but I love the thought processes, the subtly behind Brian's actions.. I hope to read more soon. Thanks,
M
11/21/03 RE: The Look
It's been a while. You're right, the hiatus is too long, especially when the season itself only lasts 14 weeks, which means we only get about 11 hours worth of programming per year. Glad to see you haven't completely given up writing fic. I read your new one at work this afternoon, but left the gallery viewing until this evening (my 'minimize' trigger finger isn't as quick as Ted's jerk-at-work one, I guess, LOL). Unfortunately the site is down at the moment... I know how that is, the bandwidth on my own site keeps getting eaten up even though I pay for extra. Anyway... the story was sweet, very honest. Perhaps more romantic than you usually write, but not overly so. "The look" is certainly something many writers have described, but as always, you have a unique take on it. I thought it was interesting that you said that there is a void of emotion in the moment it happens... I guess it's like experiencing "all emotion" and "no emotion" at once. It's letting go, removing the mask. I still think that Brian is somewhat arrogant when he thinks of himself as the master and Justin as the pupil... because, as you pointed out in the story, Justin is quite capable of teaching his mentor a few things as well. Not that Brian cares if people think he's arrogant. I like the idea of them being 'equal', starting over, yet with so much more than they had to begin with.
Heather :)
8/13/03 RE: Rumors 10
Great chapter, we can definitely see the new brian emerging, the one from season one. Its all about get in get out with maximum of pleasure and minimum of pain...but the pain of unfullfillment. Well done. thanks! Lori
8/13/03 RE: Rumors
dear paul,
thanks for bringing brian's world into a broader perspective.
i'm enjoying being there for his realization of his abilities.
i'm wondering if the 'un-safe sex encounter' will lead to an early life-lesson.
do you use note cards to keep track of each of his encounters?
this just may get confusing!!!
glad to be back, susan
Hi Paul, You did it again. You made me sad, happy and hot all in one story. The poem was so sad reading because you just know how much Troy wants Brian. And of course Brian being the shit he can be blows him off. Wait maybe that's not the right way to express that thought..... Anyhow the way Hammer gave it to Brian at the end made me feel bad for Brian. I love it when you can feel pissed one minute with Brian and then the next just want to hold him and make it better. Paul you are wonderful in making them feelings come out in your writing. I had a problem with the "raping boyass" scene. From where I'm sitting there was no raping in that room. They both got exactly what they were there for.
The way you used the picture at the beginning was great. The first time I saw the picture my eyes were drawn to the towel. Then you wrote it in the story and it just brought it all together. I see now why it takes you so long to find the right pictures to go with the plot. Way to go....
All in all it was great. Thankyou for 7 and looking forward to 8. Take care… Gale
Response to Gale:
I used "raping" more in the context of domination than lack-of-consent. Raping means taking what you want...without really caring whether someone consents or not. Perhaps I'm hair-splitting. GRIN.
Again...thanks for your feedback. This is really fun......P
7/21/03 Response to my reply…
Oh my God Paul,
When you say hair-splitting you have got to be kidding!!!GRIN RIGHT BACK AT YA.... I just get so tired of the word rape being used for everything but. Now you have to admit that Brian would never have to rape anyone? He would want to dominate yes
but rape ? After reading your profile on your web site I can see where your going with the story but I just can't get by the violence of the act of rape. Just remember that I loved the rest of the story, and I'm having so much fun talking with you. Imagine I'll be able to say "I knew you when" when you became a best selling author. Just remember all the great advice I promise not to give you about your writing. HAHA. Write when you get a chance. Take care Gale
7/19/03 Re: Rumors
To much to say.... I almost don't know where to start... sorry if this seems random.
You included Nietzsche's quote about the "golden fleece of self-sufficiency", which, when applied to the story, I took to mean that in his mind Brian believes that the best life he can make for himself as a homosexual is to be achieved by emotive self-reliance rather than the "weak”or “slavish” (Nietzschian terms) need for external stimuli. That is not to say that he does not seek external physical/sexual stimuli, but that he is in control when he does so (the 'predator' seeking his prey).
Moving from the Philosophical to the Astrological (if you will indulge me for a minute)... I see some strong parallels between Brian's quest to discover who he is, and the "search for self" embodied by the Aries constellation. It is the sign of adolescence; the Aries is unsure of himself but constantly pushing at limits in order to create his place in the scheme of things, with independance and freedom of action as the life breath of his existence. The Aries virtues are often found strongest under adversity: courage, pioneering spirit, and faith for the impossible. While those may seem a bit 'lofty' when applied to Brian's short-term goals as fuck-master Kinney, they are still appropriate, I think. Interestingly enough, I see elements of the Sign in Hammer as well. The Aries nature does not easily forgive those who have obstructed its path, nor does it like to be under any obligation. This brings me to another point....
Hammer is clearly "finished" with Brian in this chapter, and that surprised me -- not that they would no longer be spending time together, because the groundwork had been laid for that previously -- but because it was Hammer who pulled away first. The last night he spent with Hammer, Brian had an epiphany. "At that moment I knew I was different. Different from the curious, almost-timid boy who had crossed the threshold of Rumors. There was no going back. I felt empowered… energized… selected….almost like a priest after ordination." And when he saw the way Hammer looked at him, "The sadness in his eyes had told me there would not be a 'next-time.' " I assumed that Hammer had come to the realization that Brian was now his own person... the student had become a teacher... and he was sad because he knew that his protege would soon be leaving the nest and not want anything to do with him (or at least, not need him anymore). But I was wrong, or so it seems, because Brian, although empowered, was still wanting that connection with Hammer. At the same time, he was telling Troy that he wasn't ready for a relationship or a strong emotional bond with anyone. His mentor (Hammer) had to put the distance there before he became too attached himself ("hurt them before they hurt me" kind-of-thing). What a tangled web!!
Brian doesn't want to hurt Troy... but, he also wants to be honest about his feelings. He is who he is, and that's that... however, having sex with Tim in the labyrinth, and "christening" it with their cum (as incredible as that scene was) seems truly insensitive to me. Granted, he didn't take the boy up to the living quarters, but .... this was the key area in the renovations he and Troy had labored over for weeks, while becoming closer, as friends and as 'lovers' (I use the term loosely). I can see why the older man would have been disappointed. Or maybe I'm just a romantic sap, LOL. The poetry was very telling too... honest, raw, and yet... uncomplicated. It was rewarding to learn what Troy was really thinking and feeling.
As for the ads.... I like Sample 2, the Torso. It's hot as hell (I'd do 'em both), sexy, and suited to the atmosphere of Rumors, at least the way I picture it. There is strength and sensuality in the pose, and contrary to what you were suggesting in the notes, I actually like the fact that the guy on the right is *not* whispering something to the other guy -- just a personal preference. The image in Sample 1 is definitely striking, and a 'score' for the leather crowd, but the kiss seems almost too 'chaste'... maybe a little more open mouth, rather than pursed lips would be better? Sample 3 is a little too light-hearted (not dark enough, as you suggested) and Sample 4 is WAY too 'twinkie'. Sample 5 looks more like an ad for cologne than for a bar/nightclub. The copy reads "prowl the labyrinth"... and yet there is nothing in the background to suggest where these two men are, or what stimuli surrounds them... no shadow, no hint of drama except the chemistry between them (which is fine, but doesn't sell me on "Rumors" per se.) Hope that didn't sound too critical, just being honest!
One last thing... "If you care about people, you don’t humiliate them in public. You don’t ignore them or send them away. You don’t suddenly turn to ice and forget the past. But maybe you do. Perhaps rejection leaves a deep scar that never heals completely." Paul... this last section jumped off the page as something so incredibly personal, that I had to stop and take a breath. I felt like you bared your own soul for a quick second, and at the same time reminded me of every rejection I've ever felt down to the core, before wrapping up another wonderful chapter in the world of Brian Kinney. I'm worn out, and yet I have a sudden urge to go read the White Party chapters... damn you... intellectual and sexual stimulation in one fell swoop... it's enough to drive a girl mad.
Heather :)
Paul, I have a bad habit of reading fanfic in the middle of the night (2 a.m.) when I'm knackered... so I apologize for not sending better feedback. I think you're having way too much fun writing the Rage comic book bits....loved it. lol 'Cop u lator'.
Hot and honest as ever....thanks.
~Wendy
Hey, you. I liked the story. I liked this part:
"Evil is not the absence of good. Good and evil are simply the opposite outcomes of the opposing passions of Love and Hate. In the passionless center lies Inaction...no Passion, just Reason...thinking hard, but doing nothing. What I had done for Jim's campaign wasn't evil; it was good strategy... it was self-serving...and benign, at best."
You know I love when you make me think!
The rimming part...woo hoo. You gave me good details. Did you remember that is my favorite? I saw that and...THUD I think you are trying to kill me...LOL
I do have a question though.... I thought you were going to explain Brian's "need" to fuck(have sex) in public. I was really looking forward to that lesson. I would like to understand that.
hugs..........................K
Hey Paul, Just enjoyed a cup of coffee and a really terrific story. I just love Emmett on QAF and thought the way you brought the two of them together was so sweet. Brian was so tender but yet in control the whole time. Emmett sure brings out the best in people I think. Thank you and I'm looking forward to the next. Watching for your stories are as much fun as waiting for QAF on Sunday night. Till next time….GM
8/4/03 Re: Rumors 9
So I just read the next part of Rumors. Being a southern belle myself, I think you did just fine, I wasn't in the least offended. However, for future reference, "bless his/her heart" also allows you to make whatever snippy comment you'd like about anyone you want. For example, "Bless her heart, she's just the ugliest thing I've ever seen." Just thought that might come in handy later on. (hehe)……….Jenn
8/1/03 Re: Requiem series
I just wanted to let you know that this is probably the most beautiful fanfic I've ever read, probably because it's more truth than fiction. It's been a cathartic experience for me to read this. I've been toying with my own need to write a similar story, to exorcise the demons of my youth so to speak. It's amazing to me how similar your experience is to mine; straight girl that I am. You're a wonderful writer, brutally honest. It's been an inspiration. (Anonymous)
7/31/03 Re: Rumors 8 (edited for capitalization and punctuation)
… I'm probably older than your parents, not some witless groupie. of course, I knew that the collar was like a wedding ring--but WHY did Brian, at that point in his life, even 'accept' a ring? He didn't really belong to just Hammer; Hammer was the emcee to group sex. Then, after he spent two weekends alone with Hammer, Brian decides that 'once and out' will be his credo for life? YOU SEEMED TO TAKE AWAY BRIAN'S BRAIN!!! The Hammer character, in my mind, wasn't substantial enough to warrant those life-altering decisions, by Brian, a man who you had always shown respect for. John, possibly--but, Hammer--scumbag of altoona????
I don't think Brian was sophisticated enough in those years to even understand emotions past extreme sexual pleasure--and wanting more. I think that 'Rumors' gave him an outlet for his sexual over-drive; but I don't think what he had with john, even vaguely related to altoona--just pure, unadulterated hormones. Of course, he felt the loss of john; but probably, more as a father-figure. To me, John was not a sexual image in Brian's life, in the true sense of sexual mentor. I don't think John was secure enough in his own sexuality to be very good in bed. He had too much guilt.
I understand the need to surrender. I understand the need to dominate. These might even be experiences I've come across in my own life. Your responses to me made me feel a total lack of communication--and frustration. I felt you were mocking my questions. That might have been exacerbated by the fact that I faced major surgery last week; and was particularly vulnerable. I came home Monday night, and saw another chapter--and unsubbed. I never even read it.
I, personally, don't think you've justified brian's actions. I hold you to a higher standard. I don't read many authors—I don't go looking--they seem to 'find' me; but what they write, resonnates, just as if brian were speaking. That's why I adopted your earlier Penn state years as 'my' canon. It rings true.
Sex education at 'Rumors'--you're the master.
Life-altering decisions in a sex-maze???
I expect more from you...(Anonymous)
7/29/03 Re: Rumors 8
Glad to see this series will go on a while yet. Seems to be a natural progress of things. The experience and skills acquired at Rumor is now being used in college life. Now that Brian has dethroned Hammer as the stud dog, his next venture should inevitably be Liberty Avenue. The hometown boy comes home to roost or at least test water before graduation. What a teaser for the post-graduation/Ryder ad exe series!!!! And pre-Babylon too. We get to explore that eventual venue.
But back at the batcave, we will be treated to the tragic end of Troy and Hammer's connection. I mean when Brian took Justin there after John's funeral, Troy was no longer there, and Brian had such a negative reaction to the place--both shame and anger, right!??!!! That should only signals things didn't end well. Besides, I don't share Troy's optimism toward Hammer's retaliation. After all, this is the second time things went bad for Hammer at Rumor. And Troy actually thought a bat would stop the Hammer posse--and proven wrong about it.
Can't wait. As always, great job…..Sam.
7/27/03 Re: Rumors 8
nother great chapter, Paul....
Although I see clearly the emergence of a new Brian Kinney, one that is more comfortable in his own skin, one that knows he's hot, and wants to show it off to the world, I can't help but wonder how he has the self-control to continue to keep Troy at arm's length emotionally, and not indulge himself in more than a little attachment to this man who has taken him under his wing (as a protector, perhaps more than a teacher). I do understand, however, that past wounds and new experiences have left him unable to promise anyone anything, especially a future, and that his life is full of possibilities right now. It just seems that when you have a hot body right next to you, willing to give you the world, it would be hard to resist just falling into those arms and pretending that it could last forever, even if only for a little while. I guess Brian is stronger than that, and not willing to do to someone else what was done to him. I'm also surprised that Troy couldn't try and be satisfied with the here-and-now, given the alternative of Brian leaving for good, sooner than expected, if demands were placed on him.
Hammer's actions surprised me... not sure if he was under the influence, raging against perceived injustices, or just flexing his muscles (literally and figuratively) -- maybe all three -- but I never expected him to behave the way he did in this chapter. Ironically, if it had been a few chapters earlier, it wouldn't have surprised me.. but we got to see a more 'human' side to him during the time he spent with Brian. Then again, I never expected Brian to step up and confront him the way he did, either. But I liked how he took care of the kid, and it fits with what we know of Brian today... he may pretend to be an asshole, but he's got a heart.
Loved Brian going in for the kill at the end... hope that chapter 9 continues from where you left off.... the big fish from a little pond is now headed for deeper waters... let's hope his 'rod' measures up and someone takes the 'bait'. (oooh lordy, that's a bad one, I better quit now before I "sink" any lower....) Heather :)
7/27/03 Re: Rumors 8
Wow. You had gotten me to care about Hammer, but now, after what he did to the boy and tried to do to Troy, I despise him. I'm afraid that he will do something for revenge. It was good to see Brian step in without any hesitation; he has his faults, but lack of courage isn't one of them. Poor Brian, I think his feelings for Hammer are still stronger than his feelings for Troy, although he realizes how messed up Hammer is. Looking forward to the next chapter. Ann Marie
7/27/03 Re: Rumors 8
I found part 8 to be extremely exciting in a different way from the previous chapters. All of them are highly charged with sexual energy. But this one had me on the edge of my seat with the physycial confrontation as well. Hammer has always frightened me a little but I still found him strangely appealing because as you know danger has it's allure. But after this chapter I find him to be down right evil. Pure and simple. Too bad JJ refused to go to Deb's. It's sad to see another troubled, frightened young boy becoming lost in an overcrowded world of loneliness, prostitution and abuse.
I'm really looking forward to reading about Brian's first experience on Liberty Avenue and the grand opening of the labyrinth at Troy's. Fantastic job as always, Bud....L
7/12/03 Re: Rumors 6
I love the quote from Aldous Huxley about how pleasure cannot be shared... the more I thought about it, the more the idea truly stumped me.... because when you get what you want, you are gratifying yourself, so it really is almost impossible carry out an act that is completely selfless or solely for another person's pleasure. Anything we do voluntarily (even if it is distasteful or unpleasant to us) is ultimately for our own gratification.
Remember I was having difficulty seeing the Brian we know from present-day Pittsburgh in Rumors? Well, I should learn to be patient, because that was the whole point... he wasn't the Brian we know now... in this chapter it finally came together for me... how he fell in love with the power which comes from being ultimately desirable. In the earlier parts, I could see he enjoyed 'the hunt' and learning from Hammer, and discovering things that were just awakening inside him, but in this latest installment, suddenly the bitch-stud of Liberty Avenue was born in front of my eyes. How completely euphoric it must have felt for him to be desired by the man -- the angel -- by whom he was enraptured. To know that he was one of the chosen ones, that the world was his for the taking. And how ironic that it finally was made clear to him that he could have anything he wants, once he finally relinquished control and let himself be immersed in the pleasure.... to become the audience, not the director.
And in the final moments of this chapter, as you described the sadness in Hammer's eyes, I realized there had been a shift.... things would no longer be the same after that night. Even Brian knew there was no going back. A great ride, as always.... I look forward to more.... Heather