Things are looking up……a better week. At least I can accomplish something at-work now. And it's all because I can still be a part of Justin's life. I can see him occasionally, even if it still hurts a little. He's still a bit uncomfortable being around me……maybe he's feeling a little guilty for leaving like he did. But if I try to make him comfortable……avoid making any demands……and just stay up-beat and non-threatening, we can get along fine……even if he isn't in my bed. I'm proud of Justin for taking my advice and agreeing to work with Mikey. And the poster-job was a successful way of channeling some additional money his way……to foster independence. I can't believe he actually bought the $100 bonus for being on-time. That's an expected outcome of ANY commercial artist-job. But he needs the money.
I noticed that Ethan is showing a little immature "ownership"……kissing Justin in front of me……and it hurt a little. But his insecurities may do-him-in. We'll see. I can read Justin's face like a book……and he wasn't too pleased that Ethan showed up while we were discussing his payment. There's obviously some friction between them……about me.
I'm glad Justin showed-up at the Carnival……without Ethan. It shows that he cares about the cause……about his art……and about the playful eroticism of the event. It's OK to have a little down-and-dirty fun. But then the anorexic twink re-appeared……and Justin ran like a rabbit. If he had only known that the kid wasn't destined for my bed…….
In the meantime, Mikey's right. The Sting-Ray is an expensive boy-friend replacement. A black Honda CBR1100XX might have met the need for less that half the price……but as a primary source of transportation in Pittsburgh, it just wouldn't do. Neither of them is suitable for picking up 3-way action……but I'll get by.
The prospect of being a father again was a surprise……especially when I found out that Melanie would "carry the load." My affection for Lindsay made my answer an easy choice last time……but this time, my first reaction was negative. Maybe it's the world situation. Who wants to bring a kid into a screwed-up world like this……with wars, hatred, poverty, and disease? Having two mommies just sets a kid up for trouble……not just from other kids, but from asshole-adults, too. The straight world doesn't just target adults with their hatred.
But, on the other hand……and for purely selfish reasons……I can imagine having another son. I'll never forget how it felt the first time Gus grabbed my finger with what was no more than a reflex. Knowing he was part of me made him special……made him, perhaps, the best part of me. And now when he looks at me with those big eyes and talks to me with the few words he knows, I feel the kind of unconditional love only a child can give. Who knows? With a whole line of sons I could have my own basketball squad……or a line of hot Chippendale Dancers!
So-what……if life is hard on him? Growing up is hard for everyone. All life is a lesson. And Life wears-away the soft parts leaving the hard stuff……like water and sand that wears away the stone cliffs. It exposes the hard inner-core in sometimes noble shapes. There's beauty in the resistant remains.
Michael said to do it just to piss-off straight people, but there's more to it than that. Perhaps we need to prove that homos can raise kids who are not only tough, but are also more accepting. The world could certainly use some tolerance. And there's no better way to learn tolerance than to be the target of intolerance……but it takes the loving support of wise parents to teach the lesson that hatred only begets hatred. I'd never admit this to anyone, but……I guess I could use a little more tolerance, myself, occasionally.
Justin
I love Ethan and I really want things to work with us. He's being so sweet and attentive. So why do I feel so apprehensive? It's hard to explain but something just isn't right…not the way I thought it would be.
I'm beginning to feel more and more uncomfortable around Brian. You'd think it would get easier with time but it seems to be just the opposite. I don't get it. Especially since he seems to be relaxing a little around me. He approached me at the diner about designing a poster for some charity event. I could sure use the 500 bucks he's paying me.
Ethan wanted me to go to a party to meet some of his friends. I really didn't want to. I have nothing in common with his crowd. But it was important to him. He had his arms around me and said "Prove it. Show me how much you love me." I knew what he meant. That was his way of getting me to go to the party. But instead I did exactly what Brian would have done. What he did do with me many times. I pushed Ethan down on the bed and engulfed his cock in my mouth. I left Brian because the only way he ever showed his love for me was through sex. Yet here I was doing the same thing to Ethan.
I went to the loft to show Brian my poster. I felt so weird being there what with the history and the memories that place has for me. I deliberately stayed on the opposite side of the room from him. Partly out of fear of the strong attraction I still feel for him. Partly out of guilt for hurting him the way I did. He of course noticed it and called me on it. Brian has never let me get away with shit. As I walked over to him I had this strong urge to throw myself in his arms. His smell, his body heat still drive me crazy. But I can't. I won't. I'm with Ethan now. Of course Michael barged in. It was obvious he was irritated I was there with Brian. But I don't give a shit. It's none of his fucking business. I'm sure he's trying his best to get in Brian's pants now that I'm gone. Fuck him. I'm going to go make the changes Brian wants in the poster.
Brian and I were walking down Liberty Ave. He gave me the check for the poster plus a hundred dollar bonus. Plus tickets to the carnival. I really want to go. But then Ethan walked up. God, was THAT awkward. Brian calls him Ian. He does it just to be a smart ass. Brian is great with names. He knows damn well what his name is. Ethan grabbed the tickets and gave them back to Brian. "WE already have plans" he retorted as he held me possessively. As we walked away I turned to look back at Brian. He was doing the same thing. Our eyes just met. It was so sad.
Well Ethan's party was exactly what I thought it would be. Boring! What a bunch of snobby pricks. I tried to look interested for Ethan's sake. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But I couldn't take it. After giving this queen with a bad afro some of his attitude back I told Ethan I was going home. He offered to go with me but I told him to stay and enjoy his friends. Of course I wanted him to stay so I could go to the carnival. I hadn't intended to go but I found myself there seeking out Brian almost like I was on automatic pilot. I found him. He was being cautiously nice to me but some guy walked up who must have been his trick for the night. "I guess I'd better be going". Some things never change. So home I go to wait for Ethan.
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