Fucking Hell. When you're bitten by a dog, do you blame the dog, or do you blame the master that raised him? My Nephew-from-Hell is simply the product of his mother and his grandmother. He has received a strong dose of homophobia from both of them, and he thinks it's cool to express it. Actually, he's just a smaller version of his mother and grandmother. How can someone hate so much, especially when it's someone they should love? And how can a church, that teaches "Love thy neighbor," and "Hate the Sin, but Love the Sinner," engender so much hatred? I can almost understand hating things that you can't understand that are done by people you don't even know. That's simple ignorance.
Maybe Mom thinks it's her fault somehow...that all the masses and the prayers and the novenas and the rosaries and the penance and the fasting and the bullshit ritual that she subjected me to, or that she undertook herself to save the soul of her son, haven't done a damned thing. Or perhaps she secretly blames "the Lord" for not answering her prayers by turning me suddenly into a heterosexual...or into a pile of smoldering ashes. But here I am ...smoldering in another way. The smoke I smell may be pubic hair burning.
Deb called shortly before Justin returned my cowry bracelet. "Your sister is a fucked-up piece-or-work," she said. "And although I've tried for years to not say a hateful word about your mother, she's just as bad."
I assured her that she didn't need to worry about hurting my feelings.
"This must be a terrible blow," she continued, "...having this big battle with your family."
I didn't repeat the whole history to Deb, ...and she already knew a lot of it... but this has been going on for over 16 years. Nothing they do surprises me. This was no worse than the last dozen times. I know...I showed more anger than usual, but I regret losing my self-control more than I regret what I actually said.
But one thing puzzles me. If Johnny is the result of Claire's up-bringing, why am I NOT the result of Mom's? Why didn't I become a heterosexual bigot...or a priest? I've always felt "different"... in many ways. Deb says I'm just "contrary,"...that if someone tells me to do one thing or expects me to act in a certain way, I'll do the exact opposite. Perhaps love engenders respect and obedience...and the lack of love leads to self-sufficiency and disrespect. My family provided plenty of examples of how I didn't want to be...and I've made myself what I am today with no one's help.
Anyway...it's all water under the bridge now. Nothing is really changed. I can't even feel sad anymore. Mom can find her happiness in the Church...and in the bottle. And Claire can live her life complaining about everything, including me, but I'm free of caring.
And Deb told me one more thing...that Justin had been instrumental in showing that John was lying. He's a sexy little detective. And it shows he still cares...at least a little.
Justin's return to the Loft was bittersweet. He returned the bracelet...the bracelet he always played-with when he lay in my arms. And when I said "Thanks," his reply, "Anytime," gave me the faintest hope that he actually meant it. It had a ring of "eternity" in it that made me gulp. When he fastened it on my wrist, it was as if he was making me whole again. In a few more seconds, I would have ruined the moment and lost-control again. He has made his choice. And, until he makes a different choice, he needs to stick to it. If he ever comes back to me, it will be his decision, not mine...because he is the one who chose to leave in the first place. And when I suggested that he go back to his boyfriend, it was more of a question about the future.
I hated to see him leave...but he did.
Justin
Brian showed up at the diner with one of his creepy nephews today. It was weird seeing him with that kid. Brian hardly ever has anything to do with his family. When we were together he never even mentioned them unless it was to make some cynical crack. From what I've seen of them I don't blame him. I remember the time his mom came to the loft when we were fucking. Boy, was that a weird afternoon.
It still feels strange to me every time I find myself near Brian. I mean, some of the ice between us has melted but it's hard to explain. Sometimes I just don't know how I'm supposed to act around him. And he looks at me with those piercing hazel eyes like he can see right through me, right into my brain. I swear when he locked his gaze on me at the diner he could read my thoughts. Sometimes I think he can see my very soul.
Deb invited me over to give me some clothes and shit for Ethan and I to use at our place. Our place. It's not really. He was already living there. I'm just shacking up with him. What a dump it is. What a switch after living with Brian in his big, fancy loft. There I go again thinking about Brian. Will I ever stop? I wonder.
Anyway, that stuff Deb gave me is soooo tacky. There's no way I'd be caught dead in any of those awful shirts. And she gave me this big, ugly ceramic cat. She said I'd think of her every time I looked at it. That's for sure. But I couldn't turn any of it down. I love Deb. She's been like a second mom to me. I could never hurt her feelings.
While I was there Hovarth came in and said Brian's nephew accused him of molesting him. That's such bullshit. Brian could never hurt a child. I remembered hearing the kid hangs out at the video arcade so I'm going there and find him. I can't let Brian go to jail for something he didn't do.
There he was, the little shit. Brian's sister and his mom have really done a good job of brainwashing him against fags. There he was with Brian's cowry shell bracelet on. I knew he was lying. Better go tell Deb. She can get Hovarth to help.
Deb, Hovarth and I went to Claire's. The kid tried to worm his way out but I had him nailed about the bracelet. He tried to deny he had it but even his mother saw him wearing it that morning. The kid's not only a thief and a liar but he's a bad one at that. I don't think I've ever seen Deb more disgusted with anyone as she was with Brian's sister. I guess she's seen plenty of ugly things in that family over the years.
There I was back at the loft again. Seems like all my roads lead to the loft sooner or later… for better or worse. I was really glad I could do something for Brian. He's been so good to me despite everything that's happened between us. When I gave him the bracelet back he fumbled with it. "and said "Thank you". "Anytime" I said. And I would too. It made me think of the time with that Kip guy. The one who accused Brian of sexual harassment. I could never stand by and let someone hurt Brian for something he didn't do. "Here, let me," I said and fastened it on his wrist. Then he did it again. He locked those dark hazel eyes on me again. I was paralyzed. It seemed as if we just stood there and stared at each other for hours. "You'd better get back to your boyfriend" he said. Talk about a jolt back to reality. So I turned and left. So here I am on my way back to my boyfriend. But a part of me wants to turn around and run back into the loft. Why does life have to be so fucking complicated?
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