There's a time to speak-up...and a time to shut-up.
My time to speak-up was when I saw Ben buying the steroids... or, to be more precise, when Ben saw me see him buying the steroids. Not saying anything would have given tacit approval. Drug use always means a balance of benefits versus risks; I weight those risks every time I choose-to-use. But Ben is using the steroids as a disease treatment, not for recreation, and he's not qualified to judge either the benefits or the risks.
http://www.sfaf.org/treatment/beta/b30/b30anab.html
I'm not coming-down on one side or the other about whether he should or shouldn't use them. He's an adult and can make his own decisions. It's clear that some doctors think this is an appropriate therapy... and they carefully monitor their patients. This is the way Ben should go, ... he should depend on a doctor's good judgement and ongoing care, instead of self-administering some shit he buys in the locker room from a guy with more brawn than brains. If he can find a doctor to supervise his treatment, then Mikey would be reassured.
Speaking up to Stockwell also worked. "You use the truth like an assault weapon," he said. That statement made my cock hard! There's more to "the truth" than a guy's resume and his positions on issues. It's true that sex sells, too. A little bare skin (for a man his age, he's in pretty good condition) and some sweat make him look human and attractive. Putting sex into advertising is my specialty. I know it works; when Justin shops for clothes (when he has any money) he always goes to Abercrombie & Fitch just because he likes the picture of the shirtless guy on the shopping bag. My balls are on-the-line with this account, but my reputation may just go through the roof.
Justin is another matter. It's clear he's not getting what he expected out of his relationship with Ethan. His super-sensitivity about the ring makes it obvious. Symbols of eternal devotion are just that... symbols. Every marriage that fails, straight or gay, started with good intentions... and a ring. If symbols made it so, every marriage would last forever and every guy who drove a Corvette would have a 9-inch dick. (Well, some do.) A ring is an ad-man's dream... a universal symbol that almost everyone needs and wants. Usually we're trying to "sell" the need, but in the case of a ring, the need is understood and we're only jacking-the-source. But words and symbols don't make "fidelity" and "forever" come true; not even actions can do that.
When I found him there at Woody's... alone with an empty glass... I knew he needed time to think. Justin is a social drinker; he never drinks alone. I've never seen him sit at the bar without someone to talk to. Sure, I could have shared my thoughts on the issue…given sincere advice…interposed myself into his problem. But, on the other hand, he's heard everything I have to say on the topic. He knows what I think. Pointing out the uselessness of the ring as a consolation was enough. He's made his decision; now let him weight the pluses and minuses without interference.
He's a smart boy. He'll come around.
Justin
I'm still upset about Ethan signing that contract. Well more worried than anything. I don't know what it's going to do to our relationship having to keep our love a secret, always being in the closet. We talked about it but Ethan tried to make it all sound romantic like he does everything. He said it would be a great adventure. He even talked about us buying a farmhouse someday. "You dream big" I said. "It doesn't cost anything to dream" he replied. He's right about that. God knows I've dreamed about a happy life with Brian often enough. Fuck. There I go again. Thinking about me and Brian. Some things never change.
Daphne and I got to the apartment and found some woman interviewing Ethan for a magazine or newspaper or something. He looked all freaky when we walked in and introduced me as his cousin. He just signed that fucking contract and already I've been made to feel like a stranger in our own apartment. Boy, was Daph pissed. I told her to shut up about it but inside I was just as pissed.
Ethan said he felt bad about the interviewer but he didn't know what else to do. I couldn't stay pissed for long because while we were sitting in the tub together he gave me a ring that matched one he bought for himself. I couldn't believe it. How many times have I dreamed about wearing Brian's ring? A symbol to show our love for each other. And here I am wearing Ethan's. Life is funny sometimes. Totally unpredictable.
Brian came into the diner and of course he immediately noticed the ring. I told him Ethan gave it to me. He just gave me one of those "looks" and mumbled something sarcastic. Deb is really pissed at him for handling that Stockwell guy's campaign account. Brian told her she should learn to separate business from personal feelings. Such a Brian Kinney thing to say. Maybe he's right. I've had to do that where Michael and Rage are concerned.
I walked to the taxi with Ethan when he got ready to leave for the concert in Harrisburg. You'd think he was going away for months the way I was acting. But it's coming . . if he becomes a success. Tours . . .separations. . . secret meetings. I can't let myself get worked up about that now. All that may be along way off. These little kids saw us kissing at the cab. Some of them giggled and some of them looked surprised. Ethan could tell I was feeling sad. I never have been very good at hiding my emotions. He said we had our rings to keep us together until he returned. "You're such a cornball" I said. "That's why you love me" he yelled back as in climbed into the cab.
I couldn't miss Ethan's first big concert. It's something I wanted to share with him even if I couldn't be seen with him. But at least I could be near him. I waited in the lobby until Glenn, the agent, walked away. Ethan looked so beautiful in his tux as I stared up at him on that grand staircase. I thought it would be ok to walk up to him and surprise him after Glenn left and I was just about to start up the staircase when this guy approached him. At first I thought it was just some fan from the audience paying his respects but it wasn't. He was hitting on Ethan and he loved it. I watched their faces, their mouths. I wasn't close enough to hear exactly what they said to each other but I didn't have to. I know what was said. Ethan planned to see the guy later that night. To fuck him, touch him, make love to him just like he's done with me. I felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach. I couldn't fucking believe it. All my hopes and dreams of finally having a life with someone who loved me and only wanted to be with me gone in a few seconds. So this is the great adventure our life together would be. Me waiting at home while Ethan fucks guys all over the place. I felt sick. I feel sick now. No. Not sick. Numb. Just numb.
I couldn't go back to our apartment yet. So here I sit alone at Woody's staring into a glass of scotch. That ring Ethan put on my finger stares up at me wrapped around my glass. I felt Brian's presence even before I looked up. He knew something was wrong. Brian can always read my thoughts when no one else can. Sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself. "Buy you another one?" as he motioned towards my empty glass. "No thanks." "Where's your fiancé?" he asked. "Off playing somewhere" was all I could get out. He motioned to my ring and said "at least you still have THAT." I wanted to cry but I try never to shed tears in front of Brian. He'd probably say it was a sign of weakness. Even when I first met him and my dad went psycho I tried not to cry. So I'm just sitting here alone not knowing what to do. It's as if my whole life's at a standstill. No future. No past. No nothing.
Click HERE to go to Reflections 307...
Click HERE to go to the Fiction Index...
Click HERE to go to the Home Page...