First and foremost on my mind is . . . Justin. The rift in his relationship with Ethan is now, apparently, a break. I couldn't help mentioning it at the diner. "Do I detect a discordant note in Love's tender refrain?" I said, with emphasis on the musical reference. I wasn't trying to say "I told you so." But, perhaps, in a way, I was. Maybe it was just a way to make him face the issue. He was certainly sensitive about it. He barely looked at me.
And later, that was only the second time I had seen him seek-out the eroticism of Babylon's backroom. Last time, it was his defiance of me after the King of Babylon Contest. But this time, he had no way of knowing that I'd be there. He did it for the same reason I go there . . . to forget . . . to cope . . . to distract my mind from thinking about the things I'm trying to avoid. The little fucker has learned the lesson too well, perhaps. And yet there was an element of defiance. . . when he saw me. He wanted me to watch him; I could see it in his eyes. The blue lights on his beautiful face reminded me of his ecstasy in my bed . . . but there was anger in those eyes. He was saying 'It's over . . .here's proof.' For several moments, our eyes were locked-together, making it seem as if we were fucking together . . . that no one else was there . . . and I wanted to touch him and to hold him. But he was too angry for that. I had to look away, but then couldn't keep my eyes off of him. His fucking became more intense . . . more punishing . . . and he stormed-away shortly after cumming while I was still fantasizing that is was his mouth on my cock, not the trick's. I looked for him later, but couldn't find him. Maybe he'll find his way back to me. I can hope.
I've always been told I could figure all the angles . . . that I could sell shit as chocolate ice cream . . that I could convince anyone of the most outlandish things with a logical argument and a serious face. That's how I saved Teddy's ass. And it wasn't because I respect Teddy that much . . . even though he's a member of our little band of Lost Boys. But Emmett's arguments were compelling . . . and I respect his convictions and his sincerity. "You care about us," he said. " . . . even though you'd never admit it." And he's right. I never want to take credit for the good things I do. They never seem enough, to me. It's easier to make a snide remark or to use a deprecatory joke than to show true feelings. It's just the way I am. And, in a way, I DID do it to protect my client, too. My recommendations to Jim in the steam room made perfectly good sense. As an advertiser, I could spin it either way - so why not spin it to help my friend?
I have to admit . . . I like Jim with a weird sort of attraction. His self-assuredness, his larger-than-life personality, his competitiveness, his convictions, his down-to-earth good sense, and his rejections of the sycophants and yes-men around him. He recognizes bull-shit when he sees it . . . and he speaks his mind effectively. I respect him . . . even when I disagree with him. Perhaps, since I was able to cool the Ted-thing, I can also get him off his moralistic gay-bashing. It's those stupid advisor who think he can ride that horse to a win . . . but I think they're wrong.
I'm attracted to him in other ways, too. He's physically fit and erotically attractive. Could he be unaware that I'm gay? Jim asked if I had any kids; breeders always want to talk about their kids. But Gardner knows I'm gay, and surely they've talked about it. And a third of gay Pittsburgh knows . . . well maybe half,. . . oh, OK! Three-quarters . . . and it was in the newspapers at the time of the bashing. I was questioned in the investigation and he was the fucking Chief of Police. So he must know . . . and he ignores it. Or perhaps there's more to those references to "whipping my ass," or "are you coming?" or the pat on my inner thigh, than the simple hetero-jock-response. I had forgotten how erotic the hetero-male shower room could be . . . guys soaping themselves, feeling their firmness, stroking the contours of their muscles, and letting the water drip from their cock-tips like a golden shower. You expect it in the gay health-club. It surprised me to remember that straight guys do it, too . . . check-out each other's equipment. I caught Jim looking at my semi-hardness, then nodding subtly and smiling in approval. I could feel his eyes burning into my back as I preceded him, towel-less, to our lockers. There's something there . . . but, in this case, it's up to him to initiate it. For me, it's too big a risk, considering his views. And those views are an obstacle. I'm becoming more and more uncomfortable with my role in this political campaign. I'm feeling a little shame, perhaps. Especially after the look of contempt that cute guy gave me in the steam room. "What in the fuck are you doing?" he whispered as I left.
Justin
I felt so stupid for being jealous of Ethan and that guy I saw him talking to at the concert. He explained to me what happened. That this guy was just some music student who admired his performance. Ethan told me I'm going to have to get use to this if his career takes off. I wonder if this is what all celebrity spouses go through?
Daphne has never liked Ethan and she's always defending Brian and throwing him in my face. Daph's my best friend but it seems like we always quarrel about those two. She means well but she couldn't possibly understand about Brian and me. I use to wish she'd give Ethan a chance. I believed he really did love me.
Mikey didn't like my drawings for the new edition of Rage. He's supposed to look evil because we've worked out this Jekyll and Hyde kind of storyline for him but Mikey thinks I've gone too far. I told him I'd work on it some more. I'm not so set on these first drawings that it's worth getting into a big fight with Mikey about it.
Oh god! My whole life just fucking fell apart. Ethan and I were having such a sweet time together. He told me how much he missed me that night he went to Harrisburg and how he jerked off thinking about me. I was feeling such love for him. Then it happened. The shit totally hit the fan. That guy I saw Ethan talking to showed up with a bunch of fucking roses. Ethan looked like he was going to shit. I ripped up his fucking roses and threw them right in Ethan's face. He lied to me and made me look like a fucking idiot. I believed him I believed IN him and in US. And it was all just bullshit. He couldn't spend one lousy night away from me without fucking the first guy he saw. I pulled the ring he gave me off my finger and slammed it on the table then ran out. I guess Brian was right after all. That ring was a worthless symbol of nothing but Ethan's lies and bullshit.
I haven't told anyone about what happened with Ethan except Daph. I had to tell her because I spent the night at her place. Deb noticed I was unusually quiet at work but she's had Ted and Mikey and all their drama on her mind so much lately that for once she didn't probe. Of course Brian noticed something immediately. I was trying to avoid him and stay busy behind the counter but there's no escaping that keen Kinney eye. "Someone didn't sleep at home last night. Isn't that the same stunning ensemble you were wearing yesterday?" I just couldn't deal with his interrogations and the last thing I needed to hear was "I told you so" from Brian. I just snapped at him. I spent the night at Daphne's not that it's any of your fucking business." I didn't even really look at him. I knew the moment I made eye contact with him I was done for. He made some snide remark after I mumbled something about Ethan and I breaking up. God I wanted to just crawl under the counter and hide. I felt so humiliated and so stupid and so used. Deb said something about Brian saving Ted from going to jail as he walked out of the diner. She also said something about how he always does nice things for people then acts like a total shit about it. How well I know.
Now I know how Brian feels sometimes when he seeks out anonymous sex after something bad or stressful has happened because that's all I wanted. So there I was in the backroom at Babylon. I fucked this guy like there was no tomorrow. I don't remember what his face looked like and I don't care. All I was interested in is how his tight ass felt wrapped around my cock. I was starting to get lost in my nameless fuck when suddenly I felt his eyes on me. I can always sense when Brian's around and watching me. It's like a sixth sense. He just stood there with those blue lights shining on us watching me fuck that guy. Even after some guy went down on him and started sucking him off he never took his eyes off of me. So there we were with my cock up some guy's ass and Brian's dick in some other guy's mouth. But our eyes were locked on each other's. It was if those two nameless tricks weren't even there and we were having sex with each other.
God I am so fucked . . .
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