Justin's appearance at Vangard was a total surprise. Sure,... he has the skills and the need for an internship, but I thought he'd probably do more classic art than advertising stuff. As much as I missed him, I wasn't too keen on the idea of mixing business with denied-pleasure; he's too much of a distraction. I keep imagining him naked under blue lights... not something you want to think about when you're trying to sell sunglasses.
The ubiquitous Justin Taylor. I had a hint that the relationship with the violinist wasn't working-out. The fact that it was over made me want him even more. I started to be suspicious with his greeting, ''Fancy meeting you here.'' As if it was some kind of surprise to find me at Babylon? I was on to him. He knew where to find me; first at-work, and then at Babylon. He was telling me in no uncertain terms that the violinist was out of the picture. ''No rush. I have all night,'' he said.
And then he blind-sided me in front of a client. What's with this ''Orange-is-the-new-blue'' shit? (I'm still partial to blue, if you haven't noticed.) I've fired interns for less than that. ''Lesson One: you fuck-up, you're fired.'' But when he kissed me, I suddenly knew why he was there... not for a job... not for an internship... but as a way of telling me things could be back the way they were. I didn't take him back, at first. He' the one who made the rules and then broke them. He' the one who lied. He's the one who walked-out when he didn't hear what he wanted to hear. And he''s the one who broke-it-off in front of a couple hundred friends, past-tricks, and potential tricks at Babylon. Taking him back only would have opened up the possibilities of new hurts the first time he didn't hear what he wanted. He was playing me like a (dare I say?) violin... a smooth talker who worked all the angles. I couldn't have been more convincing myself. ''You would have told me that you loved me,'' he said. ''... that you would go on loving me even after I was gone. But, as usual, you never said it... so it's just as well that I go.''
He needed to learn the lesson: that you've got to be tough to get by as a gay-boy in a hetero-world. It's not something you can learn by hearing about it; you need to experience it... to take your lumps... to know your limits... to be self-sufficient... and to fight for what you want. Those are accomplishments to celebrate. No one will hand it to you on a silver platter. But the kiss showed the boy had balls. He was fighting for what he wanted in all the ways he knew how. He took a chance... and I enjoyed it.
When he came to my office that night, it was as if he'd never been away. And he's mastered the Kinney-bullshit; he can do it as well as I do. I always say that I talk 40% bullshit and 60% God's-honest-truth. The ''bullshit'' is 10% sarcastic, deprecating humor;10% sexual innuendo; 10% Kinney-facade; and 10% throw-it-in-your-face challenge. We talked as if we were discussing his new/old job, but in-fact, we both knew we were discussing something much bigger. I let him know I was onto him with my comment about violin music. (Actually, I don''t have anything against violin music; it was the artist I'd rather not remember.) How does the Greek saying go? ''When the fox is 100, her offspring is 110.'' The teacher was almost surpassed by his pupil... and I loved it.
But it wasn't as if I was ''taking him back.'' The man who came back to me was two feet taller than the boy who left. He'd learned a lot about life and love in the months he'd been away. He was ready to stand face-to-face with me, mature beyond his years. I remembered his bravery after the bashing. He had helped me when I needed him. [Deb had told me about his role in exonerating me in the nephew-fiasco.] The old saying is true: ''If you love something, let it go... and if it doesn't return, it was never yours to begin with... and if it does return, then it's yours forever.'' I'm not a big believer in the ''forever'' part, but I'll take what I can get, day-by-day. He has the strength to stand beside me. He's a part of my life now in a way unlike all the others.
Justin
I wonder if anyone else's life is constantly turning upside down like mine is. One minute I was living with who I thought was the man of my dreams: and the next I'm rooming with my best friend. I'm sure glad Daph let me stay with her. Especially since I've been so depressed. I didn't want to go back to Deb's and I sure as hell couldn't live with Mom and Molly. God, but I missed Brian so much. Daph thought I was moping around because of breaking up with Ethan. But Brian is all I could think about. My leaving Ethan only made me realize more so how much I love Brian and how badly I want him to take me back. Daph suggested I be around him as much as possible which is no hardship for me.
It was the perfect solution. I need some job experience for school credit so I applied for an internship at Brian's ad agency. The look on his face when the human resources person introduced us was priceless. It's all I could do to keep a straight face. When we were in his office he sounded pissed about me working there. He even accused me of deliberately trying to get him back. I wonder where he got that idea. So I threw his own words right back at him about separating business from personal feelings. Brian has always hated it when I do that because he knows I've got him.
I knew Brian would be at the bar so I just "happened" to be there too. I pretended it was just a coincidence but I don't think Brian believed that for a second especially considering the way he blew me off. But who cares? I just want him back.
It was my first day at the agency to be in a presentation with Brian, Gardner Vance and a client. She was from a big sunglass company and wasn't entirely sold on the ad layout. She asked me my opinion and I told her I thought orange was a better color than blue and she liked my idea. Then she told Brian he'd better watch out or I'd have his job. Man, if looks could kill I would have been dead right then and there. He was so pissed. You'd think he'd be proud of me but instead he was more concerned with his own ego the fact that I helped win over his client. So he fired me. I couldn't fucking believe it. Then we got into it. I knew then he actually was mad at me for leaving him for Ethan and this was some of that anger finally surfacing. We started arguing and I told him if he had asked me to stay or given me one reason to stay, I never would have left him. Then he said I should grow some balls and stand up for what I want instead of walking away every time I don't hear what I want so I stormed out.
I couldn't give up. Not when I've come close to getting Brian to take me back. So I went back to his office later that evening. He was working late and no one was around. I got to thinking that afternoon Brian was right. I can't spend the rest of my life running away when things don't go the way I want them to. If something or someone is important enough then it's worth working for. If Brian and I are going to have a chance together then I've got to be a man and prove I'm a worthy partner. Brian Kinney is not going to waste his time making any kind of a life with some immature kid. I told him he should take me back and that I realized he was right about my standing up for what I want. So I told him so. He seemed impressed, even proud of me for heeding his words. Ever since I met him and came out, Brian has looked after me and sorta raised me. I still have a lot to learn about life and about being a man from him. The difference now is I realize it and gladly accept his mentorship. It's his way of showing how much he loves me. Mikey was right, Brian does love me very much. He just shows it in his own unique way. I don't know how long I'll have to wait before he says it if he ever does but at least I know in my heart he does. Being without Brian has made me realize how much more important showing your love is than saying it.
Our conversation was so hot. I started out talking as if it was all about the job but really it was about us. I never fully realized how much Brian missed me and how much I hurt him when I left with Ethan until I saw this look in his eyes. "You will be required to work long, hard hours deep into the night" he told me with this wicked grin on his beautiful face. Then what I've wanted for such a long time happened. Brian and I made love. He wanted me as much as I wanted him. We began kissing deeply, hungrily. Our hands were all over each other as we undressed. God, but it felt so good to feel his touch again and feel his body pressing against mine. I love this man. I think I love him more than my own life.
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