Glow-stars
Part II
Roses
by Beth
The next night, the night after I'd lain awake watching as the glow-stars
gradually faded to nothing, you left me roses. A bunch in a vase on the
coffee table, and a single flower each on the couch and the bed. Red roses
mean love, Alex. I guess you didn't know that. if you had... would I be
wrong in thinking your choice would have been different?
See, I did a lot of thinking. As I lay on my back, watching the galaxy you brought me slowly disappear, I let myself think of you. More than I have for the whole year you've been gone. And it hurt—Goddamn it, it hurt—but I needed the pain. And I tried not to let myself believe that the pain was cancelled out by the memory of your smile.
I'm standing in the kitchen, making my lunch, when a hand snakes past me to grab one of the sandwiches I've just prepared. He grins at me unrepentantly from the other side of the kitchen... then quirks an eyebrow when all i do is smile back. Every previous time he's tried this, I've at least made a token effort to retrieve my lunch.And I can't stop myself from cracking up as he spits his mouthful all over the clean floor. He'll have to pay for that later...
"What is this shit?" he warily lifts the top slice of bread. "Peach and celery? You weren't seriously going to eat..." He slows and stops as he sees my face, then covers the space between us with a growl. I am trapped between my lover and the worktop, and his proximity is playing havoc with my breathing. I try to look repentant, and I bite my lip... until he finds a better use for it. I could kiss him forever.
He stops before we get too carried away. "How did you know I'd pick that sandwich?" He waits impatiently as I laugh some more, until I finally manage to force out the filling of the other sandwich. "Cheese, tomato and banana? You're sick." I just smile at him, and his face softens.
"Fox, I..." He stops and shakes his head slightly before dragging me into the bedroom.
Thing was, at first moments like that were all I could think about. You almost had me, Alex. But then... the next day was my birthday.
I found out what Scully and the Gunmen had been whispering about for weeks. They'd found this old drive-in cinema, playing "Creatures from planet X", and "The neihbours ate my husband" as a double feature. Frohike managed to get Scully to sit with him in the front of her car, and Byers and me were in the front of mine. Langly was relegated to the back seat and complained throughout the entire feature. Then we went to possibly the worst pizza place the state has to offer, and followed that with far too many drinks. It was the best night I can remember having in a long time.
And I didn't think of you once.
That is despite the fact that I spent my entire last birthday in bed. I hadn't left it in about a week, except to go to the bathroom. I hadn't eaten, hadn't slept... I hurt so much. I felt like I couldn't breathe, didn't want to breathe anymore because I couldn't smell you on my pillow.
It was Scully that eventually found me. I was running a fever, and all I could do was call out your name. I was so ungrateful to her for looking after me, when her only fault was not being you.
That is what I've forced myself to remember. The mind-numbing pain that was the only thing you left me with when you walked out. The nightmares, the sleepless nights... the times when I thought the only solution would be to kill myself.
Getting over you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I can't do it again. I know you, Alex. And I know that you can't handle anything more than what we had before—why else would you leave me? And I know that I wouldn't survive you leaving again. Because that is what would inevitably happen. And I'm so angry that you didn't know, that you couldn't see what you meant to me.
Maybe you did.
Maybe you just didn't care.
And now you climb slowly to your feet, the red roses you brought scattered on my floor, along with the blood from your lip. I try to keep my face expressionless as you look at me with pain so evident in your beautiful eyes. And I hate to hurt you like this... but I can't let you know how much this is killing me.
I can't let you hurt me again.
So I don't yell at you, don't ask for explanations or apologies... Don't let you know how much I missed you.
The tears in my eyes almost blind me, but I just smile politely and hold open the door, just watching you as you walk away without looking back.
"Goodbye, Alex. Have a nice life."
End
Don't blame me, blame Ben Folds Five. This was inspired by "Selfless, Cold and Composed".
"it's easy to be
easy and free
when it doesn't mean anything.
You remain
selfless, cold and composed
come on baby. Now throw me
a right to the chin
don't just stare like
you never cared
I know you did
you just smiled
like a bank teller
telling me blankly
have a nice life."
