Drawing conclusions

Warnings: Spoilers for "Love kills"

Note: Originally appeared in "Come to Your Senses 12" published by Whatever you Do Don't Press

Drawing Conclusions
By: Stacy Stronach

Blair Sandburg watched as his partner, Jim Ellison, cradled Lila Hobson's lifeless body to him,
gently rocking back and forth. As much as he resented her involvement with Jim, Blair was
grateful to her for saving his Sentinels life. Slowly, he walked up behind Jim, unsure if his
presence would be welcome, but wanting to help his friend if he could. Kneeling beside Jim, he
placed his hand on the older man's shoulder.

"Jim... I'm sorry," he said quietly, even though he knew words would be inadequate.

Jim turned his head to look at Blair, pain showing on his face and in his eyes as he laid Lila's
body back down on the pavement. His gaze moved back to her face as he softly stroked her
cheek. He stood up, not moving, just staring down at her.

"Jim, take the rest of the day. Rafe and Brown can finish up here and deal with the paperwork,"
Simon Banks spoke quietly.

Jim almost protested, but then realized that he didn't want to have to deal with wrapping this
case up, his emotions were in too much turmoil. "Yeah, I will, thanks, Simon," he replied as he
turned and walked back towards the truck.

Blair followed Jim, unsure if he would be accepted right now, but filled with a need to be there
if his Sentinel wanted him. "Jim, do you want me to drive you back to the loft or something?" he
questioned hesitantly.

Turning around, Jim looked down at the eager blue eyes of his Guide and a sad smile crossed his
face. He reached out, his hand resting on Blair's shoulder. "Look, Chief, can you hitch a ride with
Simon or someone? Don't take this the wrong way, but I really need to be alone for a little while,
okay?"

"Yeah, sure, man, I'll get Simon to drop me off at the university. Um, I'll be in my office the
whole afternoon, so, like, if you need anything, man, just give me a call, all right?" Blair
answered, disguising the hurt he felt at Jim's shutting him out.

"Yeah, thanks. I'll catch you later," Jim said, as he walked to the truck, leaving Blair standing
alone in the middle of the street.

After a few minutes, Blair turned and walked back to where Simon was and waited until
the captain had finished talking with Rafe. "Simon, could you drop me off at Rainier on your
way, please?"

"Sure. Where's Jim going?"

"I dunno, he just said he needed some time alone," Blair answered as he climbed into Simon's
car.

"Are you okay, Blair'?" Simon asked.

"Fine, why would there be anything wrong with me?" Blair replied, trying to keep the defensive
tone out of his voice.

Simon looked at the younger man and shook his head. "Didn't say there was; I was just asking,"
he answered. The rest of the drive to the university was completed in silence with Blair staring
out the window and Simon in no hurry to interrupt the other man's thoughts.

Half an hour later, Blair sat in his office, unable to concentrate as he attempted to work out his
class schedule for the next couple of weeks. Finally, sighing in frustration, he pushed the papers
away from him. These past few days had brought up something he'd kept hidden deep within
himself for a while now, something he'd hoped he could keep hidden his love for Jim Ellison.

He'd been in love with Jim since.. .well, he wasn't sure exactly when he'd fallen, but he'd been
aware of it since shortly after Cassie Welles had joined the Cascade PD. Her obvious interest in
Jim had made him jealous and he'd barely been able to contain his joy when it became clear that
Jim had no interest in the woman. Blair had been worried at first, when Jim showed up for a
"date" with Cassie, but after that, whenever Blair would try to push Jim towards Cassie, the older
man had made it quite clear he wanted nothing to do with the impulsive redhead.

Blair had pushed his feelings for Jim to the back of his awareness, unwilling to risk the
relationship he had developed with the older man. He knew Jim wouldn't kick him out and most
likely Blair's being attracted to him wouldn't bother Jim, if he knew, but it would bother Blair.
He'd always feel as if Jim were keeping him around out of pity, rather than friendship, and that
would lead to the end of their relationship. No, it was better to keep what he now had, rather
than reveal his true feelings and lose the person that meant the most to him. He honestly didn't
think he could live without Jim in his life. He'd almost exposed his secret the other day, when
Jim had asked him if there had ever been a woman that Blair thought might have been "the one."
Blair had almost blurted out, "No, but there is a man..." but had managed to restrain himself.
What he felt for Jim was far stronger, far more intense than anything he'd ever felt for any
woman, even Maya.

Even though he had no interest in being with anyone other than Jim, Blair kept up the facade of
a skirt-chasing Lothario, but he hadn't slept with anyone else in months. He'd only ended up
staying overnight at Sam's by accident; after all, they were just friends now.

When Blair had brought Jim home from the hospital that evening, he'd been planning to cancel
his date with Sam and stay home with Jim, even though he knew Jim probably wouldn't
appreciate Blair hovering and fussing over him. Then, when the flowers Jim had bought Lila
were returned, Blair could tell Jim really didn't want any company, even though Blair had
offered, the tone of Jim's refusal convinced him that his company wouldn't be welcome. So he
and Sam had gone on their date, and he'd given her the flowers, after explaining how he'd ended
up with them. After the movie, Blair had dropped Sam off at her place and driven home only to
be confronted with the sight of Lila getting out of a cab in front of their building and heading
upstairs. Blair had sat in his car for almost fifteen minutes, hoping that Jim would send her
away. When she didn't reappear, Blair had resigned himself to the fact she was probably going to
stay the night, and as much as he wanted to go up to the loft and interrupt whatever was
happening, he knew he wouldn't do that to Jim. So, he had turned his car around and headed
back to Sam's, hoping she'd let him crash for the night. She had, no questions asked, although he
had told her why.

The next morning when he'd arrived home and Lila was practically flying out the door, he hadn't
been all that surprised. It had hurt, though, but he hid it and even managed to joke with Jim a
little bit.

Blair forced himself to stop thinking about it, he had to get his work done and besides, thinking
about the situation wouldn't change it. Jim Ellison was straight and would have absolutely no
interest in Blair, or any other man, therefore Blair concluded, he would never reveal the truth to
his best friend.

Jim watched from his truck as Blair turned and walked toward Simon. He felt bad about refusing
Blair's help, but Jim needed time to think. He felt Lila's death keenly, and while losing her hurt,
it wasn't as bad as how he'd felt when Danny Choi or lncacha had died, but then he'd known
them longer. And they hadn't been assassins, either. Deciding that he probably shouldn't be
driving while he was so distracted, Jim focused on getting himself back to the loft in one piece.
Blair had said he'd be working at the university all afternoon, so Jim would have a few hours to
himself.

A short time later, he was back at the loft, wearily closing the door behind him. Jim threw his
keys in the basket, and hung his jacket up beside the door. Deciding he needed something to
drink, he grabbed a beer out of the fridge and walked over to the balcony, staring out at the city
but not really seeing anything.

Jim sighed. Lately his life had seemed to become far too complicated. His thoughts drifted back
to Lila. Jim wasn't sure what he was mourning: the woman or what he thought being with her
could have meant. The security and stability of being in a relationship with someone he loved
and trusted. He shook his head, he knew he'd have been happy with her for a little while, but
was
sure, in his own heart, that it wouldn't have lasted for the long term. He could have seen past her
history as an assassin, but somehow, he didn't think she would've been happy staying in one
place with one person for too long. Looking at the people in his life, there was one person that
could make him happy. Hell, it was the one person who made his life bearable now. Blair
Sandburg.

It was during the whole thing with Maya, when he'd asked Blair to go undercover and the
younger man had started to fall in love with the girl, that Jim had admitted to himself that he
was
in love with Blair. When Blair had been crying in his room after Maya had left him, Jim had
wanted nothing more than to go in there and hold his partner, to kiss away the pain, to make him
forget he'd ever met Maya. He hesitated then for the same reason he had hesitated now:

Blair was as heterosexual a man as any. As hetero as Jim himself appeared to be. Jim was
certain, knowing Blair as well as he did, that Blair would, while not returning the feelings, never
shut Jim out of his life. He might feel sorry for his friend, and that pity, sympathy was
something Jim wanted no part of. He wouldn't be able to handle it. Jim concluded that having
Blair in his life the way he was, would have to be enough.

Looking at his watch, Jim was surprised to see that he'd been standing there for the better part of
an hour. He decided that what he needed was a shower, and then maybe a bit of a nap. Anything
to stop the thoughts that were swirling around in his head.

Three weeks later

Simon Banks strode out of his office, calling out to the members of Major Crime. "Ellison,
Sandburg. Brown, Rafe, Michaelson, Taggert, let's go! We've got a robbery-turned-hostage-
situation down at the National Commerce Bank, c'mon," he said.

All the officers grabbed their gear and followed their captain. Simon briefed them when they
arrived on the scene. "We've got three perps, six hostages. They're threatening to blow the place
up, and say that they've got enough explosives to send the place sky high. Unless we give them
what they want," Simon explained.

"A helicopter and a million bucks, right?" Jim asked.

"Yeah, pretty much," Simon said, before sending the other officers to their positions. "Can you
see anything at all, Jim?" he questioned.

Turning to look in the dark glass windows, Jim focused his vision. He could see them. They had
the hostages in front of the tellers counters, and the perps were standing together, between the
hostages and the front door. The bomb was sitting on the counter and if the timer on it was
right.. .they had less than 30 minutes to get those people out of there and disarm the bomb. Jim
relayed the information to Simon.

"Christ. What the hell..." Simon muttered under his breath.

"Look, sir, the perps are standing close enough together and between the hostages and the doors.
I think I can take them both down without hurting the hostages," Jim said, knowing he could do
this.

Simon sighed heavily and checked in with his snipers none of them could get as clear a shot as
Jim could. "Okay, but you be careful."

"Yes, sir," Jim said.

"Jim, you can't. It's too dangerous, man,' Blair protested, not wanting Jim to get hurt, but
knowing, deep down, nothing he said would stop the other man.

"Blair, I have to. Those people in there are counting on the police to get them out. I'm their only
chance right now. You stay here," Jim said, eyes lingering on Blair for a long moment before
turning to get closer to the building. He wanted to make sure he didn't miss on his first
try.

He made his way from between the cop cars, crouching down, hoping the perps didn't turn and
spot him. Jim was focusing on the two men, keeping his eyes on their guns, he had to be ready.
Then he felt it start. No, dammit, not now, I can't zone out now! was his last coherent thought as
the world started shifting on him, the colours starting to meld together.

As Jim paused in the middle of the lot, in plain view of the men inside the bank, Blair knew
what was going on. He had to get to Jim, get him out of his zone out, before he was shot. Blair
started away from the cars, keeping close to the ground like Jim had.

Simon, noticing the younger man's movement reached out to grab his coat, but it slipped through
his fingers. "Dammit, Sandburg! No!" he said, figuring he was going to end up with two dead
men.

The closer Blair got to Jim, the better view he had of the men inside the bank. Luck was still
with him, they were looking the other way. Then when he was about a foot away from Jim, Blair
saw one of the perps turn and look in their direction, and raise his gun. Blair didn't need to think
twice he jumped towards Jim, intent on protecting the other man. He felt a piercing pain in his
side before he crashed down on top of Jim, keeping both their bodies flat.

The impact jarred Jim out of his zone out, and he came to awareness hearing gun shots and
smelling blood. Blair's blood. Glancing quickly toward the doors to assess what was going on, to
make sure they'd be safe if they stayed put, Jim saw that his colleagues had everything under
control, so he quickly turned his attention back to Blair. He turned Blair over onto his back, and
saw where the bullet had entered his body. The younger man was losing some blood, and his
heart and pulse rate were slower than normal; not alarmingly so, but Jim wasn't taking any
chances.

"We need a medic over here now!!" he screamed hoarsely, cradling Blair in his arms. "Oh,
God, Blair, please, be okay, please. Help is on the way. Hold on, buddy," Jim whispered.

Blair looked up at him, eyes starting to glaze over. 'Oh, God, it hurts, Jim," was all he managed
before he passed out.

Jim was just about to yell for the medics again, when the EMTs showed up.

"Detective, please, move aside, let us do our work," the female EMT said, gently pushing Jim
away. "We'll take care of him, okay?"
"I'm riding with him to the hospital," Jim stated in a tone that brooked no argument. "He's my
partner."

"Okay, Detective, we'll do our best, and you can ride with him," she replied, wondering exactly
what kind of partners they were.

She'd attended many cop shootings, had seen partners distressed over what happened, but
nothing like the pain that was in this man's eyes, in his face. She and her partner worked quickly
and efficiently, preparing Blair for his ride to the hospital.

Blair was loaded into the ambulance, and Jim climbed in, sitting beside him, holding his hand.
He looked at the EMT, noting that her tag said Morgan on it. "Morgan, will.. .will he be okay?"
he whispered.

Morgan looked at the big cop, and had a strange, overwhelming desire to comfort him, although
he didn't look like the type who took well to comfort from anyone, especially strangers. She
shook her head, then spoke quickly, realizing that he might think it a negative answer. "Well,
he's stable right now, and we're getting him to the hospital quickly. I think he'll pull through it
okay, Detective," she said, using as comforting a tone as possible.

A half hour later, Jim paced back and forth in the waiting room while Simon watched. "Jim,
you're going to wear a hole in that floor if you don't stop," he said.

Jim paused, taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry, but I'm worried about Blair. He shouldn't have
followed me. He could've died, and it would've been my fault. Goddamn it!"

"He's not dead. I'm sure he'll be okay. It isn't your fault, Jim, and you know it. I'm not going to
argue with you about this," Simon replied, holding up his hand to fend off Jim's answer. 'Can't
you hear how Blair's doing, what the doctors are saying?"

"I tried, man, but I'm too keyed up, I can't seem to concentrate," he said, resuming his pacing.

A short time later, a man approached Jim. "I'm Dr. Mitchell. Are you Jim Ellison?" he enquired.

"Yes. How's Blair? Will he be okay?" Jim asked.

"Mr. Sandburg is going to be fine. He's very fortunate, in fact. The bullet passed through his
body without hitting any major organs or bones. He suffered some blood loss, and we're keeping
him in overnight for observation," the doctor explained.

Jim felt the relief sweep through him. "Uh, thanks, Dr. Mitchell. When can I see him?"

"Oh, it'll probably be ten to fifteen minutes before they get him settled. He'll probably be a little
groggy from the painkillers we've given him. You can go up and wait upstairs for him, if you
like. He's on the third floor."

"Thank you so much, Doctor," Jim said, quickly walking over to the elevators. Simon barely
managed to get on before Jim was closing the doors.

"Looks like the kid's going to be okay," he said, and wasn't surprised that the only response he
received was a grunt.

Once on the correct floor, Jim listened for his Guide, and followed the sound to the right area of
the hospital, with Simon following close behind. They stopped at the nurses station.

"I'm Detective Jim Ellison and I'm looking for Blair Sandburg," he said to the young woman
behind the counter.

"They're still getting him settled, but you can go in to see him in about ten minutes or so. I'll let
you know as soon as it's possible to go in, Detective Ellison," she answered. "You can wait over
there," she said, indicating the waiting area, when it appeared Jim wasn't going to move from
where he was standing.

Jim sighed and moved over to sit beside Simon. The other man smiled; he had an inkling that
Jim's concern was out of more than friendship. He'd noticed the way the two of them acted
around one another, each looking at the other with love and longing in their eyes. Jim seemed
oblivious to how Blair felt and vice versa, but to Simon, it was blindingly apparent. Simon hoped
that what happened today would help both men realize what the truth was. If it didn't, well, he
just might have to sit them down and have a nice long talk with them.

"Mr. Ellison? You can go in and see Mr. Sandburg now," the nurse from behind the counter said.
When Simon stood up, Jim turned to him.

"Simon, can you give me a few minutes with Blair, alone, please?" he asked.

"Yeah, no problem, Jim, go on," Simon answered, sitting back down in his chair.

Jim walked quietly into Blair's room, and his heart contracted painfully to see his Guide, yet
again, in a hospital bed. And because of me, he thought. As he moved closer, Blair opened his
eyes, and smiled at his partner.

"Hey, Jim," he whispered, his voice hoarse.

"Hey, Chief, how're you feeling?"

"Oh, right now, pretty damn good. 'Course, the nurse said that tomorrow, once the painkillers
wear off, it'll hurt like a son of a bitch," he answered, giggling. "I don't care about tomorrow
right now. You okay, man? I mean, the zone out and everything..."

Leave it to Blair He gets shot and he's still more concerned about the zone out than what
happened to him, Jim thought as he sat down beside Blair. "I'm fine, Blair. Really, I am. Don't
worry about me, worry about yourself," he replied, reaching out to push a stray curl back behind
Blair's ear.

Blair smiled, his eyes falling closed as he moved his face against his partner's hand. "Stay 'til I'm
asleep. Please," he asked quietly.

"Whatever you need," Jim answered as he picked up Blair's hand, holding it in his own. He had
wanted to tell Blair right now that he loved him, but knew that with the medication the younger
man was on, he probably wouldn't remember much of it. He decided that tomorrow, once he
took him home, he would tell him, consequences be damned.

There was a soft knock at the door, and Jim could tell it was Simon. "Come in," he said.

Simon walked in, and looked at Blair. Seeing that the young man was asleep, he whispered,
"How is he doing?"

"Good, but of course he's strung out on painkillers right now, so he'll probably be hurting
tomorrow."

"I imagine he will," Simon said. "You going to stay here tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah, if they'll let me. I don't feel right leaving him alone."

"Not to worry, I just cleared it with the staff for you. Kinda stretched it a little, said Sandburg
needed police protection, and it worked," Simon told him.

Jim looked up at his captain in surprise. "Thanks, Simon, I really appreciate it."

"No problem. They said he's going home tomorrow, if everything goes okay. Why don't you take
the day off. Make sure he gets settled at home okay?"

"I will. Thanks again. For everything," Jim answered, truly grateful to the other man.

The next afternoon, Jim helped Blair settle onto the couch in the living room, arranging his
pillows and blankets. The doctors had been satisfied with his condition and released him with
strict instructions for his recovery. Jim had assured them that Blair would follow those
instructions.

Sighing, Blair lay back against the pillows. "Oh, man, at least the pain isn't as bad as I thought it
would be."

Jim sat on the floor next to the couch. "I would imagine the painkillers are helping a little bit,
Chief."

"Yeah, probably, I'm just glad they gave me something that didn't zonk me out like those other
ones."

"Blair," Jim said, his tone making the younger man look at him, wondering what was going on.
"There's something I need to tell you I... I love you. I can't hide it any longer, after almost losing
you yesterday..." he said quietly, staring intently at the younger man. "I don't expect you to
return
my feelings, I know you're not... But I had to tell you. Let you know how much you mean to me.
I'm " He was cut off by a finger placed gently over his lips.

"Hush. And you say I talk too much. Jim, my dear, sweet, Jim, I love you. I have for a while
now. I was afraid to tell you because I didn't think you could ever return my feelings," Blair
replied softly, the love he felt for the other man shining from his eyes.

"You love me? Oh, God. I never even thought..." Jim trailed off as he smiled at the man he
loved. Moving to his knees, Jim leaned forward, gently pressing his lips against Blair's, his hand
coming up to cup Blair's face as the younger man wrapped his arms around Jim's neck.

Blair darted his tongue out to lick at Jim's lips, wanting to taste his lover, to devour him, to know
every part of him. Jim moaned as he opened himself to Blair, savouring that first sweet taste
before plundering Blair's mouth with his tongue. The kiss lasted a few long minutes before they
parted, both of them panting for air.

They stared at one another, smiling, eyes sparkling. "I love you, Blair."

"Ditto, man."

//** the end**\\