Disclaimers: You know it by heart by now, don't you? Don't own them...they are owned by Pet Fly and Paramount (I refuse to acknowledge UPN!)

Notes: Virtual chocolates and hugs to my betas, Saraid and Marag, who help to keep me from making a complete idiot of myself. If you still think I'm an idiot, don't blame them! The title and lyrics used throughout the story are from the song "Iris" as sung by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Notes 2: This is a missing scene for Cypher (like we need another one, right?). Sorry. Had to do it, as the idea would not leave me alone. All comments welcome, except for flames. Please let me know what I did right or wrong, just be courteous!

Summary: Blair wonders about his identity after Lash; from Blair's POV.

Warnings: angst, bad language. Spoilers for the episode Cypher. 

"And I'd give up forever to touch you

Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now"

***************

Blair Sandburg woke up with a start. For close to a minute, he had no idea where he was or what had happened. He simply knew that he felt safe and comforted...he felt taken care of...something that he had not felt in over ten years. He felt shaken to the very core of his being, and was at first unsure of why he felt this way.

As he became cognizant, he realized that he was being held in the arms of the man he was studying, the Sentinel that he had found thanks to a friend. He had been staying with the man only a few scant weeks and he had been afraid of the feelings that he was beginning to develop for his larger friend. Although he had accompanied the larger man on a few police missions since he had met him, he still felt very unsure of himself and his place in the Sentinel's life. However, as he felt the larger arms around him, as the muscles rippled and played under his shoulder blades and back, a love he thought he would never experience exuded from him. A soft sigh escaped from his throat, met almost immediately by a response by his larger companion.

"Everything's going to be okay, Chief. Just hold on, okay? 

The words reached to the very core of his being, and his usually active and frenetic body stilled for once. He relaxed completely into the arms of his friend.

"And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

Cause sooner or later it's over

I just don't want to miss you tonight"

When Blair once again became attentive, his peace gave way to renewed confusion. Where was he? What had happened? All he could see was a white environment...overhead, to the sides, beneath him. Everything was white. He was lying on a bed unfamiliar to him. It was not his bed at the loft. Where was he?

"Take it easy, Chief. You're okay. You're in the hospital. Just for a little bit, though. Just so that they can check you out. We'll go home, soon."

That word soothed him. Home. Such a strange word, really. It meant many different things to many different people. All he could associate with that word right now came from his older and larger friend who was sitting, rather uncomfortably it seemed, in a chair by his bedside. Home was everything that the man sitting by his side epitomized--security, solace, friendship, plus something that he could not put into words, or even, it seemed, into his thoughts, as it scared him.

Aside from these feelings, there was a familiar one--that Blair did not want anyone to see him like this--vulnerable. Being seen like this was a sign of weakness, one that he did not want to impart. Being weak was being open to attack by so many, feeling once again the emotions that he had buried deep inside himself from so many words that had hurt him during his life....He had to hide himself from them. He had to hide them from Jim--his friend could not see his impotence, his defenselessness. There was no way the older man, his Sentinel, the top detective of the Major Crimes Division of the Cascade P.D., would understand his feebleness.

"And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am"

Later that night, having left the hospital in the wee hours of the morning, Blair Sandburg lay sleepless in his bed at the loft. His thoughts kept returning to the evening before, his feelings of complete and utter helplessness chained to that chair as he watched the madman named Lash trying to be him. He had felt once again as if he was 8 years old, at the mercy of his bigger and older classmates. They taunted him about his small size, strange clothes, his very uniqueness--as they pulled at his hair, plucked the glasses off of his face, and knocked his books to the ground. He felt as useless as his "uncle" Troy had made him feel when the older man had told him he was weak and a sissy. "Hide it, boy. Don't be spineless. Never let them see your fear...if you do, they'll grab hold and never let go." Blair supposed that Troy had meant well in trying to toughen him up. He had taken many of the words to heart. He had learned to hide his nervousness and fright well over the years. Always too small to be very effectual in a physical battle, he had learned to take the art of words to a higher form, often leaving his attackers gaping after him in confusion.

Somewhere along the way, though, he felt as though he had lost a piece of himself, a piece that he was afraid Lash had found and taken as part of his new persona. Had Lash discovered that tiny puzzle fragment that was missing? Could Lash have told him what it was? No matter. Lash was dead, no longer capable of speech.

Blair's mind wandered to his taunting of Lash...bringing up the serial killer's brother, his duck, his mother, the hot, scalding baths that Lash had been subjected to. He knew that he had gotten to Lash with his verbal warfare...had perhaps delayed him long enough for Jim to rescue him. Jim. Jim had said that he had done everything right. As he remembered his partner telling him that as he half-lay in the older man's lap, with the strong capable arms wrapped about his body, he calmed and sleep claimed him.

***************

As Jim opened the door to the loft, Blair followed him silently inside. Minute shivers were coursing through his body, and he did not want his larger companion to see them. He headed directly to his room, pulling the curtain closed behind him. 

Sitting on his bed, Blair pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Laying his head on his arms, he willed for his body to stop shaking.

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know your alive"

Sighing, Blair was glad that he had somehow made it through the day at the Station. He thought he had done rather well, hiding the fact that he was still scared shitless from the occurrences of the previous day. He had even joked with his partner, told Jim he was his Blessed Protector, said he was going to get a tattoo, Cascade P.D. insignia earrings. He was, after all, a master at hiding his true emotions. He'd been doing it for almost 20 years, afterall.

He was afraid, though, that Jim had seen through his facade. His roommate had continued to give him little sideways glances, especially on their trip back from the Station. But, Jim hadn't said anything. There had been, though, a worried look on the older man's face. Blair hated the thought that he had caused that look on his Sentinel's countenance. However, he had appreciated the tiny touches to the arm, the squeezes to his shoulder, that his partner had given him. Somehow, those little gestures had helped to ground him, make him feel somewhat safe, although he was still quaking on the inside. 

As Blair hugged his knees closer to his body, he began to rock slightly. He wondered for the hundredth time who he was, who he was meant to be. His eyes bright with unshed tears, he feared again that Lash had found the part of him that he had never been able to. Damn! He hated this self-pity! Grasping his upper arms with his hands, he dug his fingernails into the soft flesh there. He continued to rock, all the while tightening his grasp upon his skin. Closing his eyes, he lost himself in the pain, in the soothing movements of his curled up body. He was here; he was alive, thanks to Jim. But, was he all here? Where was that missing piece?

"And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am"

Lost in his reflections, Blair did not hear Jim as he rushed into his room. As Jim grabbed his arms, pulling his hands away from the soft flesh, he gasped and tried to scramble back on the bed.

"Damn it, Sandburg! What in the Hell are you doing?"

As Blair continued to try and scrabble back on the bed, he slowly recognized his roommate.

"Huh?"

"Look at your arms, Chief. Shit! Look at your hands!"

Blinking his eyes slowly, Blair finally came back to himself. Staring stupidly down at his hands, he realized that there was skin and blood under his fingernails. Looking at his arms, he saw the small gouges in the flesh from which small rivulets of blood were streaming. He looked up at Jim, a look of confusion on his face.

"Aw, Hell. C'mon, Sandburg."

As Jim grabbed Blair by the arm and pulled him off the bed, Blair struggled briefly. Then, he acquiesced and allowed himself to be led into the bathroom. He hissed in pain as the larger man poured peroxide over the small cuts on his arms.

"Damnit, Jim! That hurts!"

"Don't want it to get infected, Chief."

Blair stood quietly while his friend administered to the injured skin on his arms. He watched in silence as Jim finished his first aid and turned to face him.

"Want to tell me about it, Sandburg? What in the Hell were you doing?"

"Er, uh, I, uh...." For once in his life, Blair had run out of words. He simply looked in wide-eyed confusion up at his larger friend.

"Fuck it." Blair felt himself pulled into an embrace as Jim held him close to his body, enveloping him in the powerful arms. He sighed in contentment as the older man began to softly pat and stroke his hair.

"It's okay, Blair. Everything's going to be all right. Shhh. I'll take care of you."

Blinking rapidly at the words that he had never heard from anyone except Naomi, some of the walls that Blair had constructed for himself began to tear and crack. A tear escaped his eye, then another. Before he realized it, he was sobbing against the chest of this man, this detective, this Sentinel. The arms around him tightened, soothing his fragile psyche, helping to heal the fissures in his soul.

"Just let it all out, Blair. Let it go, Chief. I'm right here. I've got you."

The words from Jim made him cry even harder. Somewhere in the back of his mind he realized he had not cried like this since he was 8 years old. Finally, weary and spent, he felt the arms of his Blessed Protector lift him and carry him into his bedroom.

***************

"And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am"

Hands were at the back of his neck, pushing his face into the foul-smelling water. He held his breath as long as he could. The need for air was too great, though. He breathed in, but all that came into his nose and mouth was the putrid water. Panicking, he tried to take another breath and another. There was no air...just liquid. He was dying.

"Wake up, Sandburg! Come on, Kid. Wake up!"

Swimming slowly to wakefulness, Blair gulped in great breaths of air. His heart was pounding, his ears were ringing, and sweat leaked from his pores. Staring wild-eyed around himself in the darkness, he finally recognized where he was, and that he was safe.

"Oh, God. Oh, God," Blair breathed out in a sob.

Blair felt the mattress dip as his partner sank onto the bed beside him.

"Hey, it's okay, Chief. You're safe. Everything's fine."

As Jim reached out for him, Blair sank thankfully into his embrace.

"Want to talk about it?"

"It...it was just a nightmare, Jim."

"That's to be expected after what you went through, Sandburg. Hell, I've had a couple of bad ones of my own the last couple of days."

"You have? Really? What were they about?"

"What the Hell do you think they were about, Sandburg? They were about my failure to keep you safe! I dreamt, well, that I was too late. I..I found your body, in the bathtub here at the loft. That...that damned yellow scarf around your neck. You...your mouth was open in a silent scream. Your eyes were open, staring at me, accusing me of not being able to save you."

"Aw, Jim. Why? Nothing that happened was your fault. We were all taken in by that psycho! Anyway, it's thanks to you that I'm alive."

"I don't know, Chief. I just feel like I should have been able to do more, that I should have known."

Reaching over to his larger companion, Blair began to rub small circles on his back. "Jim, I hate to tell you this, man, but you're not omniscient, y'know! You're not Superman. You're human. But, you saved me, man! I...words can't convey what...I mean...shit! Not sure what I mean."

"You? At a loss for words, Sandburg? An occasion to remember!"

"Ha, ha, Jim. Forgive me if I don't laugh. You are so not funny, man."

Blair felt his hand grabbed as his Sentinel pulled him to his feet. "C'mon, Sandburg. We're both having trouble sleeping because of bad dreams. If...well, I thought...er, come upstairs with me?"

"What?"

"Just to sleep, Chief. I think that, well, if we're together, that if we feel each other, we'll be able to get to sleep."

Chuckling, Blair said, "Gee, Jim. I thought I was the psych minor around here!"

"I guess you're rubbing off on me, Darwin. Damn! I never thought I'd say that!"

As Jim placed an arm around his shoulder, Blair followed him up to the loft and Jim's bed. Situating himself close to his Sentinel in the bed, Blair felt Jim's arms come around him and pull him close, his back to the larger man's chest. Soon, he fell into a deep and restful sleep.

"I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am"

As he gradually came to consciousness, Blair wondered for a moment where he was. The ceiling wasn't his; the bed wasn't his. Yet, he wasn't frightened; he felt at peace. Then, he felt the strong arms that encircled him, felt the powerful chest that rose and fell underneath his back. Jim. He was in bed with Jim!

Trying not to awaken the older man, Blair turned around to face his friend. He reached out a tentative hand, letting his fingers softly stroke down the planes of his roommate's face. A contented sigh escaped his lips as he realized that he had found his missing piece. He had found the last, elusive fragment of the puzzle. He finally knew who he was. He did know, however, that he was nothing without this powerful man lying beside him.

Letting his hand drift to the powerful chest, he continued his stroking. Knowing that the older man was still asleep, Blair spoke softly from the heart. "Y'know, Jim, since I was 8 years old, I've felt like I wasn't complete, like I wasn't whole. It's hard to explain; I just knew that I was missing something. I thought it was my fault...that I had lost something along the way. It's strange, man; you, you're the missing piece of me. You complete me, Jim. You make me whole. Oh, man, if you were awake, you'd kill me, y'know, Blessed Protector or not! But, I've got to say it. I love you, Jim. I love you with the entirety of my being...with my mind, heart, soul, and with my body, if you'd let me. I'll, I'll never be able to say that to your face, man, but I mean it. I love you. I belong to you, and I'd like for you to belong to me. Oh, Jim...."

The arms that were now positioned laxly over Sandburg's shoulders flexed and tightened.

"I love you, too, Chief. I was afraid to tell you, afraid that you'd leave me."

Blair gulped when he realized Jim had heard all that he'd said. He tried to back out of the bed, but the arms tightened again, and slowly, inexorably, pulled him closer.

Pale blue eyes opened to look into shocked smoky blue ones. Blair lay perfectly still, afraid to move and afraid not to.

"I mean it, Chief. I love you." The arms pulled him until their faces were less than an inch apart.

Then, they were kissing. Their tongues lazily touched and Blair felt as if he had been ignited from the inside out. As Jim's mouth lifted from his, his entire face was subjected to a series of soft kisses.

Blair let himself be lifted until he was lying on top of his Sentinel. Sleepy blue orbs looked up at him.

"Let's get some more sleep, huh, Blair? Then, I think I want to explore that body thing you said you were going to give me. 

Slowly, Blair grinned down at his friend, his roommate, his Sentinel, his lover. "I think I'll take you up on that, Big Guy. In a little while."

As Blair lowered his head to rest under the crook of Jim's chin, he allowed himself to drift back to sleep, content and happy, whole at last.

Fini~~