Contemplation
by Vigdis

Part 1 of Cycles



Chapter 1 ð Chapter 2 ð Chapter 3 ð Chapter 4 ð Chapter 5 ð Bottom



Chapter One:

Spike’s POV

I really don’t know when this started. Or how. Or even what to do about it.

It just sort of crept up on me. And the only thing I’m sure of is why…

Very little in this world means more to me than loyalty. And he is the most loyal person I have ever known. He amazes me; the way he keeps himself in the background until exactly the right moment. He never misses a thing, y’know. He always knows where he’s most needed and that’s where he puts himself.

I heard the stories about last summer. How he left Buffy and Dawn in a pit and went straight to Red. It was the right thing to do. He was the only person who could still reach her… Stop her… He never gave a thought to his own safety or to the fact that she was so far gone - consumed by the magicks - that she might not even recognize him.

He just went.

And he reached her.

Single-handedly saving the world.

He let his best friend sob out her heartache in his arms. She must have felt that was the safest place in the world at that moment. Surrounded by his love.

He protects others, heedless of the cost to himself. He never cared for me that way, though. I wish he did. I wish he saw me as a true friend.

Maybe then he could see me as more.

When I saw what that madman was doing to him… all I could think was MINE!

In that split second there was no other thought; no other need but to protect him - whatever the cost. To protect him the way he protects.

With my life.




Chapter Two:

Xander’s POV

Wow! That was totally unexpected.

I have been hurt more times than I can count. I’ve been slimed and stabbed and tossed across graveyards. I can’t begin to describe the various ways in which I have been less than invulnerable.

But this?

The pain was incredible.

Of course, the medications they have me on have dulled that to within the general range of bearable. I am lying here in this hospital bed holding Willow’s hand and pretending that this is a nightmare and hoping I will wake up soon.

She thinks I’m asleep - or unconscious.

I don’t want her to know I’m not. She’d get all ‘poor Xander’ then, and I really can’t handle that right now.

I wish Spike was here.

I want to thank him.

I imagine he’s the only reason I still have at least one of my eyes.

I couldn’t believe it when he knocked Caleb down.

I was free.

Yes, slamming into something very not soft, but free, none-the-less.

Thanks to Spike’s quick action.

I think Caleb was doing one eye at a time because it would hurt more or longer or something like that…

I know vamps are fast, but Wow! Bleached-blond and leather-clad to the rescue, huh!

I’ve never been so happy to see a vampire. Any vampire.

But I’m glad it was Spike.

Now if I could just figure out how to thank him…




Chapter Three:

Xander’s POV

It’s just sex, right?

Just mutual need and release. No commitment. No strings. Just sex.

Yeah… And if I keep telling myself that I might actually start to believe it.

And he dove in, rushing to my rescue, why? Because he didn’t like the idea of a blind secret sex-partner? Uh-huh. That’s right. Oh yeah, I can make that one stick!

He didn’t even try to fight the guy. Just knocked him away from me and then came back and pulled me out of there. Okay, so Buffy helped, but still. Spike risked his unlife for me. Me. The guy who couldn’t possibly admit that he likes guys.

Okay, so I like girls, too. That hasn’t changed. But Spike is… I don’t know… special somehow. He sort of snuck up on me and made me care. I know he has his soul back now, and I think in my screwed up head that makes it better for some reason, but I have to admit, even if it’s just in the silence of my own skull, that I had feelings for him long before that.

That’s me. Demon-magnet extraordinaire. Why is it I keep falling for demons?

Oh no! Tell me I didn’t just think that!

I have NOT fallen for Spike. NOT! SO not!!!

Well… maybe a little.

Oops!

What am I gonna do now?




Xander took a deep breath and opened his eye. Willow was there, staring at the hand she was holding.

“Wils?” he said softly.

She lit up, all happy and sad at the same time. She smiled that trademark Willow ‘tell me everything is gonna be alright’ smile.

Before she could say anything, he spoke again.

“Where’s Spike?”

Willow frowned her confusion. “I don’t know. Back at the house, probably.”

“Maybe he could come sit with me for a while? I need to thank him. He didn’t have to do that, Wils. Caleb could have dusted him.”

Willow smiled a little, eyebrows raised, lips pressed together.

“Anything else you wanna tell me, Closet-Boy?”

Xander laughed painfully. “That obvious, huh?”

“Only to me.”

“Okay, so we have this thing. It’s not real. It’s only sex. But I think I might want it to be more. But he doesn’t. He loves Buffy.”

“Does he? Or did he?” Willow rushed on. “He did before, but that was pre-soul, right? Maybe the soul-y Spike loves you and not Buffy.”

Xander smiled softly. “Maybe, Wils. I can hope, anyway. But about the closet thing… I DO still like girls, you know.”

“I know. I still like guys. Just not nearly as much as I like girls. Maybe you were just waiting for the right person. Gender not mattering so much.”

“Maybe. You think you could get him to come sit with me? And you think you could get them to re-medicate me? I need drugs!”

Willow laughed softly. “Yes to both questions.” And she called a for a nurse.




Chapter Four:

Willow’s POV

It’s just sex, he says.

Doesn’t he know it’s never just sex? There’s always more to it than that. Human beings just aren’t built that way. Sex always touches you on some level you didn’t expect.

And we know enough about Spike - and William - to know that he doesn’t jump in the sack with just anyone. So it must mean something to him, as well. Right?

Oh, goddess! I can’t believe I’m trying to set my best friend up with a vampire.

At least he has a soul.

I’m sure I wouldn’t be doing this if he didn’t. Would I?

No. I’m sure. I wouldn’t.

Now let’s see… William/Spike… <giggle> I can’t believe I’m thinking slashes! Anyway, he was fully capable of love even without a soul. In fact, love is the reason he has a soul at all. He spent over a hundred years with Drusilla. He took care of her when she was weak and helpless. And how did she repay his love? She ran off with another demon because she thought Spike was weak. He didn’t leave her when she really was weak, but Dru… What a bitch!

And then, there’s Buffy. We know he really loved her. I mean, he got his soul back for her and everything. And he would have let Glory torture him to his final death rather than betray her. And when Buffy died, he kept his word and stayed to protect Dawn. Okay, so the demon got the better of him for a while there. He is a vampire. And, from what Buffy has told me, they were always violent together. So maybe he just thought it was foreplay. He was wrong, of course, but, again, soulless vampire.

Now, Xander. I find it hard to believe that Spike was just looking for release. That seems so out of character for him. He was never the unfaithful type. I know. I’ve researched him thoroughly. If he was still head over heels for Buffy, he wouldn’t look for release elsewhere unless it was through violence. Sex, no. Fighting, yes. That’s just Spike.

And William? He’s too much the gentle soul to betray his love, even if it is unrequited.

So that leaves… What? True love?

One way to find out!




Willow made her way slowly down into the basement.

“Spike?” she called softly.

“Yeah, Red? Whatcha want?”

She stepped off the stairs and turned to him. He was sitting, almost sprawled, on his bed. His leather duster was draped over the chair and he was wearing that tight blue t-shirt. Willow admired the view idly. ‘Xander has good taste in men, at least,’ she thought. She smiled, fighting back a giggle. ‘Still - demon! But at least this one won’t try to sacrifice him to The First! Eat him, maybe, but not sacrifice him!’

She giggled. She couldn’t help it. Spike glared at her.

“What?”

“Oh, nothing. I was thinking about something else.”

Spike raised his eyebrows. “So what brings you here, then?”

“Xander wants to see you. He asked me to ask you to come sit with him. I thought maybe you could take the graveyard shift,” she grinned wickedly.

Spike groaned at the pun. Rolling his eyes, he asked, “Why? What’s he want with me?”

Willow gave him her ‘duh’ look. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe he wants to thank you for coming to his rescue? Saving him before he lost his other eye, too?”

Spike glowered and shook his head. “More like he blames me for not moving fast enough to save the one he lost.” He was staring at the floor.

Willow rolled her eyes. “If that were the case, he wouldn’t want you to sit with him. He might want you to come up so he could chew you out, but he wouldn’t want you to stay. And he does! Want you to stay with him, I mean. He cares.”

Spike looked up at her sharply.

“Yeah, I know about the two of you. I also know that Xander thinks you don’t really care about him. At least not enough.”

“Enough for what?” Spike asked cautiously.

“Enough.” Willow’s voice was firm and final.

Spike relaxed back against the wall. “And what about him? Does he care about me ‘enough’?”

Willow took a deep breath. “I think he’d like to find out.” She looked Spike straight in the eyes, full-on resolve face, and gave her warning. “I don’t want him to get hurt by this.”

Spike got just a little paler but he didn’t shrink away. He sat forward.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

Willow nodded.

Spike sank back against the wall with a thoughtful look on his face.

Willow slowly made her way back up the steps, a satisfied little grin hovering about her lips.




Chapter Five

Spike’s POV

Now I’m even more confused!

Red tells me Xander actually asked for me to come and sit with him. And she had that whole scary eye thing going, too. Not the darkness, just the ‘hurt my friend and I’ll hurt you back’ thing. She does that really well. She’s scarier than any slayer I ever came across, what with the ‘I can dust you with a thought’ vibe she sends out.

Ah, listen to me. I’m starting to think in scooby lingo!




Spike pulled on his duster and headed upstairs. It wasn’t dark yet, but it would be soon. He wanted to be ready to go as soon as the sun set.

Dawn was sitting in the living room with nearly a dozen potentials. She gave him a strange look as he headed for the door.

“Uh, Spike? Sun’s still up, y’know.”

“Yeah, Nibblet, I know. Wasn’t planning on leavin’ just yet.”

“Where are you going?” she asked, walking over to him.

“Hospital,” He said absently. Then without thinking, “Red says Xander wants me to sit with him.”

Dawn was a little surprised, but she didn’t let on. “Yeah, well, I heard you saved him from Caleb.”

“Yeah. Not quick enough, though,” Spike sighed.

Dawn gave him an encouraging little smile. She was beginning to get used to the new Spike. Having a soul had changed him in a lot of ways. Ways that made her feel more comfortable with him even knowing what he tried to do to Buffy without it.

“I’m sure he doesn’t blame you. He wouldn’t have asked for you if he did.”

“That’s what Red said, but… I don’t know. A guy loses an eye, gotta be rough. Wouldn’t blame him if he took it out on me. I know I couldn’t have stopped it, but still… I blame m’self all the same. No reason he shouldn’t blame me, too.”

Dawn sighed. She didn’t know what to say to that. She patted his arm, wishing she felt comfortable enough to hug him, and went back to her seat.

Spike took a deep breath, getting the feel of the air. Sensing the sunset, he opened the door and walked out into the evening twilight. As he walked steadily toward the hospital, his jumbled thoughts continued.




What exactly did the witch mean by ‘enough’,anyway? I mean, enough for what? Enough to be friends? Enough to be lovers - not just sex-partners? Enough for what? Love?

Yeah, right! That’ll be the day! Xander Harris wanting me, Spike - Also Known As William the Bloody - to love him. Not particularly likely to happen, now, is it?

But what if he does?

Naw… don’t think about it! No reason to get your hopes up. It’s far more likely that Buffy will throw herself at your feet and declare her undying love.

Yeah. That’ll happen.

Xander will never love me. No one will. I just have to accept it.




Spike sighed painfully as he entered the hospital in search of inevitable rejection.




 TBC in “Revelation”



Feedback
(Pretty please, with sugar on top?)

Back to “Cycles” Main Page

Back to Vigdis’ Page

Back to BTVS/AtS Fic

Back to Adult Fan Fiction

Home