Chapter One:

Spike walked briskly toward Xander’s hospital room. They had kept him in the hospital because they were planning to do immediate reconstructive surgery. Xander had very good insurance.

Spike opened the door to the private room and stepped cautiously inside. “Xander?” he called quietly.

“Come on in, Spike. We need to talk.”

Spike swallowed hard. That phrase was never a good sign. He walked slowly forward and, at a gesture from Xander, took a seat in the chair beside the bed.

Xander took a deep breath and reached out for Spike’s hand.

Spike took Xander’s hand as gently as he could and hesitantly raised his eyes to look at him. The sadness in Spike’s eyes was overwhelming. Xander’s face was half covered with bandages and he could see evidence of swelling.

Xander gave a little half-smile. “It’s not so bad, really,” he assured the vampire. “As soon as the swelling goes down they’re doing surgery. They’re already making me a prosthetic eye. It’ll be like it never happened.”

“Except you won’t be able to see out of it,” Spike grated out. “Your depth perception will be shot.”

“It’s a good thing I’m a suit-wearing type, then, isn’t it. I direct the work, but I don’t actually do the construction. Depth perception not so important as it was.”

“Just stop it!” Spike said harshly, jumping up. “No more! Be angry! Yell! Scream! Blame ME, but do SOMETHING! Don’t just lie there and pretend everything is going to be alright, because it isn’t! Not now, not ever! You lost an eye, Xander! An EYE! You will never be the same again! This isn’t Star Trek. They can’t just replace it. You will never get it back! It’s gone and you can’t pretend nothing’s changed!”

“I’m NOT!” Xander yelled back. “I KNOW things will never be the same! I know I’LL never be the same! But, damn it! I have to deal with it.” Xander calmed himself before he continued. “If it’s never going to change, I have to deal with it the best way I know how.”

“And that’s by pretending it doesn’t bother you?”

Xander gave him a disbelieving look. “And this surprises you why? I always try to see the humor in things. Haven’t you noticed?”

Spike sighed and sat back down. He reached over and took Xander’s hand in his own.

“Yeah. I guess so. It’s just… I don’t know.” He shook his head slowly. He released Xander’s hand, then lowered his head to the bed. “I failed you. I was supposed to keep you safe and I failed.”

Xander gently stroked Spike’s hair. “You didn’t fail me. You aren’t responsible for my safety. I am. I was there because I believed in what we were doing. I still do. The war isn’t over yet. But we ARE going to win. The First is goin’ down! And Caleb? Well, he’s gonna die, just like all the other wannabes.” Xander tugged on Spike’s hair until he looked up at him. “I mean, there’s only one Big Bad, right?” Xander grinned.

Spike gave a weak little smile, tears in his eyes. “Yeah. Only me. And anybody else who claims to be it is just a pale imitation, right?”

“Yeah,” Xander smiled softly. “A wannabe.”

“A wannabe.” Spike sat up with a strange expression on his face. “So,” he asked, “I’m still the Big Bad, huh?”

“Always,” Xander assured him.

“And you’re okay with that?”

Xander looked at Spike seriously. “I’m okay with YOU. You are a very complex guy, y’know. You’re a good guy, though. All reformed-like,” Xander grinned then got serious again. “Thank you for diving in like that. I know I would have lost both eyes if you hadn’t. And I’m truly grateful. I don’t think I would like being blind.” Then he smiled again. “Being half-blind is bad enough.”

Spike smiled back at him slowly. “I’m just glad you’re still around to complain about it.”

“Me, too,” Xander nodded, smiling.

Chapter Two:

Spike held Xander’s right hand in his left. His right arm was draped across Xander’s body and his head was lying on the bed beside his hip. Xander idly stroked Spike’s bare arm. As much as he liked the duster, he was glad Spike had taken it off.

It was impossible to tell if Spike was awake. He didn’t react. Xander kept petting his arm. They stayed like that for a long while, calming, adjusting, learning to accept the situation. Finally, Xander slipped his hand from Spike’s, moving it to his head, where he toyed with the short bleached strands. Spike started to purr. Xander smiled.

And that’s when Buffy walked in.

Xander almost laughed out loud at the look on her face. Instead, he put on his carefully cultivated little boy face and said, “He followed me home, Mom. Can I keep him?”

Buffy stifled a giggle.

“’M not a soddin’ pet!” Spike asserted without moving. Wouldn’t want to dislodge the hand sending shivers down his spine.

Buffy studiously ignored Spike and, in her ‘mom’ voice answered Xander. “I don’t know, dear. Are you sure you can take proper care of him?”

Xander grinned excitedly. “Oh, yes! I promise to feed him and walk him and-”

Spike sat up with a glare. “Enough, already,” he protested as Buffy and Xander burst out laughing. “Oh, right. Let’s all make fun of the vampire. Har-de-har-har. Go on. Get it out of your systems. Laugh. Just remember. I ain’t got the bloody chip no more!”

They just laughed harder. Spike rolled his eyes and threw up his hands. “Fine. I’ll just be off, then.” He grabbed his duster and was out the door before they could stop him.

Xander’s remaining eye went wide as it sunk in. “Buffy, stop him! I have to talk to him! Please!”

Buffy met Xander’s gaze. She understood. Nodding, she disappeared out the door.

Xander closed his eye and took deep breaths. He couldn’t lose Spike now. Not when they were just starting to connect for real.

Chapter Three:

Spike left the hospital muttering angrily. “See me as a joke, do they?”

“SPIKE!” Buffy called as she chased him out into the cool night air.

Spike whipped around, duster snapping, “What? Come to-”

“Spike!” Buffy interrupted. “We didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. It was just a joke. Xander was letting me know he cares about you. So, he used humor to do it. Can you think of anything more Xander?”

Buffy watched him carefully. Spike was pouting now. He looked so adorable like this.

“Guess not,” Spike glowered. Then he looked up at her, a scared but hopeful look in his eyes. “Does he really, then?”

“Care about you?”

Spike nodded.

Buffy took a deep breath. “Yeah. He does. You should have seen the look on his face when he realized you had left. He’s afraid you won’t come back.” She stepped closer and cupped his cheek in her hand. Her tone was filled with warmth when she continued. “I know this hasn’t been what you hoped for. I know you got your soul back for me - so that I could love you. I just can’t go down that road again, Spike. I do care for you. I always will. But I can’t be with you. It hurts too much.” She gave him a little smile. “I like who are now; who you’re becoming. With aspects of both the demon and the man. You are someone I can count on. I never forget that. You saved my friend’s life last night. I won’t forget that, either. And I won’t stand between you and Xander, if you decide to give it a try. That should give you an idea of how much I trust you.”

Spike was stunned. If the Slayer was willing to trust him with her friend’s heart, then she really did trust him. It was even more telling than having the chip removed, because that could be blamed on him having a soul now. He tilted his head and asked, “So… friends, then? For real?”

Buffy smiled. “Yeah. Friends. The real kind.”

“Good,” Spike murmured as Buffy roughly pulled him into a hug.

She kissed his cheek and pushed him gently toward the hospital entrance.

“Now go talk to Xander. If you two are going to be a couple, stop pussy-footing around, already.”

Spike looked back with a warning glare. “Was that a crack about purring? ’Cause if it was-”

Buffy grinned. “You’d have to catch me first!” she cracked as she turned to run off. She called back over her shoulder, “And Xander’s waiting for you!”

Spike had started to go after her, but that made him stop. “Later, then, Slayer,” he called. “Wouldn’t do to keep the boy wondering.”

And he headed back into the hospital.

Chapter Four:

Spike took off his duster and sank back into the chair beside Xander’s bed.

Xander was sleeping. They were keeping him well medicated and it was difficult for him to stay awake for very long at a time.

Spike took Xander’s hand and resumed his previous position, draped across his lover. He smiled as Xander’s left hand began to stroke his arm. He pulled Xander’s right hand to his lips and kissed it.

“Nice,” Xander murmured as he opened his eye. He smiled a sad little smile. “How ’bout it? Can I keep you?”

“Slayer says you can,” Spike said dryly, raising his head.

“And what about you? What do you say?”

“Are you sure you want to? ’Cause once you say yes, there’s no gettin’ rid of me. Be sure of what you want, Xander.”

“What do you want?” Xander asked very seriously.

Spike responded in kind. “Same thing I’ve always wanted. To love and be loved. No conditions, no half measures, just love. Pure and simple. The unconditional kind. If you can’t give me that, then don’t pretend to love me. That would be worse than not ever finding love at all. I can live with what we have, but not if I have false hope of more.”

“I don’t know what I have to give right now. I do know I care for you - deeply. I know you fill a need in me no one else ever has. I know I don’t want to lose you. I know I want to find out if we can have that kind of love. Are you willing to try?”

Spike took a deep breath and stared at the floor. Sometimes a deep breath was necessary even when you didn’t actually need to breathe. ‘Damn, but I wish I could smoke in here!’ Spike thought, fidgeting with his lighter. “If we try and it doesn’t work,” he started softly, “it’ll be worse than if we leave it here. Do you think it’s worth the risk?”

“Yes,” Xander replied without hesitation. “I think it will work. I think we can love each other. Do you?”

Spike looked back up at Xander. He nodded slowly. “Yes. I think we can. I think it’s worth it.”

“Good,” Xander said firmly. “So that settles it then. We’re officially boyfriends. You, Spike, AKA William the Bloody, are my boyfriend,” he said, trying it out.

Spike laughed. “Yeah, well, that’s a mouthful, then, in’nit?” Xander grinned. Spike shook his head, smiling. “So does this mean we’re telling everyone?”

Xander nodded. “Unless you’d rather not. Buffy and Willow already know, of course. And I’d feel kind of funny keeping it from Dawn. I think she’d be happy for us. And it might be kind of hard to keep it a secret in that house anyway.”

“We’ve managed so far.”

“We weren’t an actual couple then. Besides, the only place we ever did anything was in your crypt or my apartment. But since we’re all living at Buffy’s… Look, if you don’t want to tell them, I understand.”

“No. ’S not it at all, luv. I just don’t want to put any pressure on you about it. You need to tell them when you’re ready. Not ’cause you think it’s what I want. I’m good either way. You’re the one who’ll be surprising them.” Spike grinned. “Ya think no one knows about those dreams you’ve been havin’? Hey! In a house full of adolescent beauties, who wouldn’t have ’em?” Xander blushed. “Point bein’ they all think you’re straight. They won’t be too shocked to find out I’m bisexual, but you’re going to be a bit of a surprise. So it’s up to you to decide when and where and all. I’ll go along with whatever you choose.”

Xander relaxed against his pillow.

“How about I decide later? I’m too drugged to think straight and I want to be going on more than emotion when I make that decision.”

Spike suddenly got worried. “Are you sure you don’t need to wait to decide if we give this a shot? ’Cause if you need more time-”

“I don’t!” Xander interrupted with a yawn. “That’s an emotion based decision, anyway. Logic would only interfere. Going with my gut. That’s what’s right in this case. I want to be with you, Spike. I want you to be mine and I want to be yours. That plain enough for you?”

“Yeah,” Spike smiled, relieved. “Does that mean I can call you ‘pet’?”

Xander laughed. “Coming from you, it’s a term of affection, not ownership, so, yeah, I guess so.”

“Right, then.” Spike’s voice turned soothing. “Get some sleep, pet. I’ll be here ’til just before sunrise.”

Xander smiled contentedly and slept.

Chapter Five:

Spike’s POV

Well, it’s been one helluva week! Can’t believe Xan’s finally comin’ home today. Still all bandaged up, but they say the surgery went well. As soon as he heals up, he’ll get to try out that new eye. ’Course that’s if Red doesn’t decide to interfere a bit. I know she’s been researching; tryin’ to find away to restore his eye instead.

I’ve been at his bedside every night. They tried to make me leave once. Once. I told them it wasn’t a very good idea. They insisted. Said only immediate family. Xander piped up then. Said I was his S.O. and they shut up right off.

Significant Other. I can’t help but like the sound of it.

Red and the Slayers surprised the hell out of me. The three of them moved Xander’s bed down into the basement and moved my smaller one upstairs. Said something about needing more space for the girls, so they were putting the guys together. Don’t really think anyone bought it, though.

Well, maybe a few of the more gullible ones, but not the Nibblet. She just gave me this sly look and winked.

Smart girl.

Faith keeps givin’ me these looks. Like she wishes she could join us. Hell! Maybe she does. Hmm… Maybe I should run that one past Xander. After all, she IS reformed, right?

Well, maybe I oughta shelve that idea ’til he’s well again.

Or maybe I oughta just forget it all together.

Slayer and Red and Anya went to pick him up. Sun’s up or I would’ve gone with. They should be back soon.

Think I’ll head upstairs. I wanna be there when he walks in the door.