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A Lover Waits
By Rositamia
Due South Lyric Wheel - April 2001
Feedback to rositamia@yahoo.com

There are so many images tumbling through my mind as I sit here in this sterile hospital waiting room. So many memories of being with Ray, both at home and at work.

Hurrying across the street to him as he stood lighting a cigarette silhouetted in the lamplight, waiting for me after work. Walking beside him as we talked about our cases, about the meaning of life, about our favorite pizza toppings. About nothing and everything at once.

He has become such an important part of my life that I can not imagine being without him. He's fighting for his life right now and I know that it is my fault. If I had only been there when he needed me, I wouldn't be here now waiting for a doctor to tell me whether or not our life is over.

I never expected this to happen. We know the risks that we run every day in our life together and are somewhat prepared for them. Somewhat. But how could we be prepared for my past to come back and hurt us, hurt him, in the form of a she-demon who almost tempted me to follow her into hell?

Victoria Metcalf had been missing for so long that I truly did not expect to ever see her again. I had assumed that the last thing she would ever do was come back to the scene of her crime. I knew she had the money and having gotten away, I thought she was gone forever. At first, this was agonizing. It took a long time for me to get over her. But I did. Eventually.

I finally realized that I had given my heart to another. Ray became such an integral part of my life so gradually that I never noticed how much my emotional well being was dependent upon his. I am ashamed to say that my first impulse when I first realized this was to deny it. I thought if I buried my feelings so deeply inside myself that no one would know, especially not him. I was so afraid of being vulnerable again; I decided I would prefer to only have his friendship instead of trying for something more and losing everything.

I didn't take him and his feelings into account. When I started to pull away from Ray, he tried harder to get close. He would not let me leave him emotionally and when I tried to do it physically, he followed me to Canada. He would not listen when I told him there were reasons why I couldn't come back to Chicago. I tried to explain to him without telling him the true reason why. I couldn't lie to him, but I did try to mislead him.

I had to tell him the truth when he got his hands in my hair and his lips everywhere. I could not deny him then. He convinced me to come back with him after our adventure in looking for the Hand of Franklin. Love's language reads the same everywhere so it didn't matter really if we were in Chicago or the Northwest Territories.

And our life continued. It's the same as always. Just with more love and affection and late nights of talking till daybreak and long afternoons of making love.

Now I sit in endless silence. I know there are others here. Lt. Welsh, Huey, Dewey, Frannie, and many others wait here with me. I can not hear them. All I hear is Ray's voice; all I see is him. I see him on a Florida beach under the moonlight, laughing at Dief as he ran from the surf, talking seriously with Stella as I sit with Ray Vecchio. The time that he had me up against the back of a pick-up truck, out of sight of the neon and glare, rubbed against me, whispered to me everything that he wanted to do to me when we finished walking home. The combination of him and the night got under my skin and I totally lost control, so we didn't make it home. He had his chest on my back across a new Cadillac before we made it. I made him promise not to tempt me like that again. It would not do for two officers of the law to get arrested for public indecency simply because we were too impatient to wait to get home. I remember times when he grabbed me and shoved me against the wall and I couldn't breathe air that hadn't come from him. It felt so good to feel him against me. It's only all right when I'm with him.

I was at the consulate when he called me. I could barely hear his voice; it sounded so frail and thin. When he whispered that Victoria was there, that she'd broken into our house and caught him unaware in the shower, hit him, and tied him to a chair, that he'd managed to knock over the chair to get to the phone. Then suddenly I could hear her screeching her fury at him and his grunt of pain as she hit him. My blood turned to ice as I heard her hurl profanities and recriminations at Ray for having taking away her Ben, as well as clearly hearing the force of her blows.

After yelling at Turnbull for his keys and to call 911, I rushed to our home. By the time that I got there, the police had responded to the officer down call. A part of me wished they hadn't been so quick to answer the call, for I wanted to be the one to find Victoria. I had brought in Muldoon, but I'm not sure that I would have turned her in. After I saw Ray, I know that I wouldn't have. He was unconscious, tied to a chair, lying in a puddle of blood.

We arrived at the hospital and since then I've been waiting for more information. They said he had internal injuries, a concussion, and a couple of broken ribs and rushed him into emergency surgery. I sit here amidst chaos as memories kaleidoscope through my mind, waiting, hoping, praying.

I see him standin' silhouetted in the lamplight I cross the street and I quicken my pace He cups his hands and he
lights a cigarette
I find myself in the bones
of his face

It's just the night in my veins
Making me crawl in the dust again
It's just the night
under my skin
Slipping it in...

He's got his hands in my hair and his lips everywhere Oh, yeah
Feels good
It's all right
Even if it's just the night in my veins

He's got me up against the back of a pick-up truck Out of sight of the neon and glare
We might as well be on a beach
under the moonlight
Love's language reads the same
everywhere

It's just the night in my veins
Making me crawl in the dust again
It's just the night
under my skin
Slipping it in...

He's got his chest on my back 'cross a new Cadillac Oh, yeah
Feels good
It's all right
Even if it's just
the night in my veins
Even if it's just the night in my veins

He's got my head on the curb and I can't produce a word Oh, yeah
It feels good
It's all right
Even if it's just
the night in my veins
Even if it's just the night in my veins