Disclaimer: Characters owned by the usual suspects, not me.

"I'm glad this day is over, Fraser. How about you?"

"Indeed. The Lieutenant was on a bit of a tear today, wasn't he?"

"A tear? Yeah, you might say that. You might also say he was a bastard."

"No, Ray, I wouldn't say that."

"No kidding? There's a surprise. So what'll it be? Pizza?"

"That sounds fine. Oh, just a moment."

Pause.

"Ah, Fraser? Fraser? That's enough. We've been opening doors for ourselves here in Chicago for like, centuries."

"Ray, it only takes an extra second to be courteous."

"Yeah, well, if you want a job as a doorman, I know this guy who works at a hotel downtown. Maybe I can hook you up."

"Is something bothering you, Ray?"

"No, Fraser, just get in the car."

"It's just that you seem out of sorts today."

"Hello! Have we met before? I'm out of sorts all day, everyday. That's one of my best things. So get in the car."

"Perhaps I should drive."

"Fraser!"

"Very well, Ray."

Pause

"Listen, I'm sorry. You're right, I have been kinda jumpy lately. I don't even know why, I just feel like I'm gonna explode or something- wait - what *is* that smell?"

"Smell?"

"Yeah, Fraser, smell- odor, stink, scent. What is it?"

Pause.

"I suppose it might be time to have the car detailed. Has the oil been changed recently?"

"No, it's not that kind of smell. It's nice, sorta like perfume, but not. Don't you smell it?"

"I'm afraid I don't. Ray, what are you doing?"

"It's...it's you, Fraser. You're what smells good."

"Well. Thank you kindly, Ray."

Pause.

"Yeah. Nice, real nice."

"That's a fine compliment, Ray. I appreciate it. Good hygiene is always ..."

"Yeah. What is that, like, fabric softener or something?"

"I don't use fabric softener. All those chemicals against one's skin, I shudder to even think about it. I use biodegradable, perfume-free detergent and nothing else."

"Uh-huh. I use Tide myself."

"Ah."

"All right, what does that mean?"

"What does what mean?"

"That `ah." Your `ahs' always mean something. And they usually mean, `Ray, you're full of it.'"

"I was just thinking that you should be more mindful of the environmental impact of the choices you make. Even the most seemingly innocuous contribution to ..."

"Fraser? Fraser?!"

"Yes, Ray?"

"Forget I asked about that `ah', okay?"

"Understood."

Pause.

"Deodorant, then?"

"Pardon?"

"That smell. Is it your deodorant?"

"Not likely, Ray. I don't use conventional antiperspirants. I use a traditional Inuit concoction, made with bear blubber, heated over a fire for two days then ground together with bladder of a musk ox, treated with a desiccant."

"Oh, Jeez, I wish I hadn't asked. I don't know why you're smiling, Fraser. That's disgusting!"

"I'm smiling because I'm ...how do you say...yanking your chain."

"Huh?"

"I use Right Guard, Ray."

"Oh, very funny, Fraser, that's hilarious. I have the Jerry Seinfeld of the RCMP riding with me today. No, it is not Right Guard, I know what that smells like. You just get your uniform back from the cleaners?"

"No. Ray, if this odor bothers you so much, perhaps you can swing by the Consulate and I'd be happy to change, to see if that alleviates the problem."

"Did I say it bothered me? No, I didn't. I just said it was nice. If I wanted something alleviated, I would say so, wouldn't I?"

"You most assuredly would, Ray."

"Thank you."

Pause.

"Toothpaste?"

"Ray? Stop the car."

"What?"

"Stop the car."

Pause.

"Come here, Ray."

"What?"

"Come here. Unfasten your seatbelt, slide over and come here."

"Fraser, I'm not sure that..."

"Ray, stop talking. Now move over. Move closer."

"I'm already right up against your thigh, here, Fraser."

"Yes, I know. Now, smell me."

"Huh?"

"I'm giving you leave to sniff me as long as you like so that the mystery of the smell that is preoccupying you will be solved."

Pause.

"You're a freak, you know that?"

"I believe you've mentioned that, yes."

Pause.

"Well?"

"Not the Serge."

"All right."

"Not the Neatsfoot Oil."

"Okay."

"Ah, Jeez, I found it."

"My hair?"

"Mmmm."

"Ah, the shampoo. I was out of my usual brand this morning and Turnbull gave me some from his locker. It is rather nice, isn't it?"

"Fraser?"

"Yes, Ray?"

"Please don't mention Turnbull's name again. You're ruining this for me."

"I'm sorry."

Pause.

"Fraser?"

"Hmmm?"

"I'm gonna kiss you now, all right?"

"Yes, Ray."

Pause.