Disclaimer: Ray thoughts are his own even though Aliiance claims them. I just get a window into his head.

Author's Notes: Thanks to Elanor for opinions and other beta stuff.

Story Notes: I had always wanted to try to get into Ray's head. So I gave it a go.

Have you ever been kissed by a Mountie? I mean really kissed by a Mountie, none of this kiss on the cheek thing. I have and I have to tell you it was a shock. Well no, not a shock, just a really nice surprise.

It all started after the Bolt Trail. I'd got a bit mad at Fraser. I mean I know it wasn't his fault he'd just been doing his duty but it hurt you know? You wear a red suit and you get lauded as a hero, I mean he is a hero but I helped him, you know? Anyway I got a bit mad. I don't know if I was really mad or what. He's the most annoying man in the world but he's my best friend. I just like him to show me how he feels once in awhile. So we had a bit of an argument. I start yelling at him, what can I say? I'm Italian.

"Can you just once, Fraser, show me how you feel?"

"Why, Ray?"

"'Cos I want to know! I want to know somewhere under that red uniform there's a human who laughs and cries and *feels*"

I don't know why I said it. I knew he felt lust and love when she came into town. Victoria also showed me that while Fraser feels he's not sure what he's feeling a lot of the time. This time he was sure. I'd asked him to show me so he did. He kissed me. It was incredible I mean this guy is a pro when it comes to kissing. Some guys brag about how they have a technique but Benny....Benny's kisses are sweet like you get with your first girl but at the same time it's like a whirlwind and you can't help but get caught up.

So that was when we discovered we loved each other. Once he stopped kissing me I told him I loved him and then...well then there was a lot more kissing and some other stuff, but I don't want to go into that right now.

What I learnt was Benny, action-orientated guy, had trouble saying I love you. It's not his fault. He can tell the world he loves a person...I mean there was this one time when we in the closet doing a bit more than discussing police work when Elaine opens the door on us.

"What are you doing?" she asks with a look that says `as if I didn't know'.

So Benny, with a completely straight face, says, "Loving each other, Elaine." And Mr Polite shuts the door! Elaine made us a do not disturb sign after that.

But what was I saying? Oh yeah, Benny not saying I love you. He can say it to my mother, who by the way has been really good about our relationship. He can say it to guys we bust but saying to the person he loves...that's kinda hard.

I wonder if he ever said to her. I know he told other people he loved her but I'm not sure he ever told Victoria. She must have known by the way he acted but...I still wonder. I don't want to ask him though it's better leaving all that stuff in the past.

But the first time he said I love you that was kinda funny. We were watching a hockey game, I mean I know it's not a real sport but it's okay. Benny likes it and don't tell him but I'm starting to like it too. So we were watching a game when Chicago score. I was impressed and I say "Did you see that goal, Benny?" He just looks at me and I get worried `cos he gone quiet and he says, "I love you, Ray." Just like that.

So I kiss him, of course, but then I ask, "Why did you tell me now?"

He licks his lower lip; he does that when he's nervous. Drives me crazy he's so cute...anyway he goes, "Well it was the scoring of the goal, Ray it reminded me how I really feel about you."

"Being in love with me is like a hockey match?"

He laughed a bit. He's doing that more often now. Don't tell anyone but he giggles too. He says, "No, Ray, but the feeling of euphoria when you score a goal or see a goal scored. I get far more powerful euphoria about my love for you."

Funny but we never saw how that hockey match ended. Fraser says I love you a lot more now. Not as much as me. I guess I probably say it too much. I suppose I need to convince Benny. I'm worried he'll leave me I know I'm not a screw-up anymore but that's `cos of him. I don't want to lose him. I think he knows that `cos he never wants to leave me either he says.

He's the best person in my life, he is my life. Without him...... I would have a cleaner wardrobe but I swear I have more fun being dragged through sewers with him than I had on a romantic dinner date with my wife, well ex-wife.

See no one touches me like Benny. No one needs me like Benny, I need him. Making love with him isn't sex. I've had that. No-one ever made me feel the way he does in bed or even the rest of time. I've made love with a few women but none of them made me feel like I was the most special person on the planet. Benny does that and he even does that when we're in the Riv picking up a loaf of bread for Ma.

I'm so grateful I met him, so grateful I got that case and met Benny in that holding cell. He's asleep now. I like to watch him. He's like a kid or and angel when he sleeps. We often do this, one watches the other. Yesterday I woke up to those blue eyes looking at me with love. I swear I want that every day for the rest of my life. But this is good too, if not better. I'd do this every morning for the rest of my life, stroking his hair, kissing his forehead, stroking his back, none of it wakes him up. My Mountie, Mr Alert, perfectly happy to sleep in.

He wakes up slowly and smiles at him. He has a gorgeous face when he smiles, even more beautiful than normal. I lean down and give him a kiss. I wonder if a kiss from a Chicago cop is as good as a kiss from a Mountie...judging by Benny's reaction I'd say it's pretty close.