Author's Notes: Thanks to Bast and XFreak.

On Hold By Grey

"You're killing me here."

Fraser rolled his eyes and patiently patted Ray on his shoulder. "Just a few minutes more, Ray. The steam will help open the nasal and bronchial passages to hopefully improve your breathing."

"My breathing's fine." Ray accented the hoarse words with two sneezes and another round of heavy-duty coughing. He used a tissue to get rid of the nasty stuff coming up and clogging his throat. His chest hurt like a mother, like somebody took a cheap shot and hammered him when he was already down for the count. Tossing the tissue, he kept his towel-covered head over the pot of hot water bubbling on the stove. If nothing else, it made Ben happy to think it might do some good. When Ben was happy, it was all good in Ray's world.

After a few more minutes, his partner turned off the burner and then led Ray back to the sofa. "Sit there. I'll get you some more tea."

"I don't want any more tea. I'm floating away already."

"Then perhaps some grated ginger and honey to soothe your throat."

Ray shook his head and held out a hand. "Sit down and stop fussing."

Reluctantly, Fraser took the offered hand and settled on the sofa beside Ray, who slipped an arm around his shoulders. Ben relaxed slightly, but not completely, the way he did when he still had something to say. "I think you should reconsider going to the doctor."

Shaking his head, Ray pulled his arm away and sat forward, his elbows propped on his knees. Head pounding, his sore neck and achy muscles didn't make it easy to move. "Look, it's just a cold. I get sick in the winter sometimes. It's nothing new."

"You've been sick for a week now and running a fever. This is not a typical cold. You might have bronchitis or something more serious like pneumonia."

"I've had those before when I was a kid. It doesn't feel like that."

"And you're saying this is a normal cold for you?"

Leaning even further forward, his eyes squeezed shut, Ray rubbed his temples with his balled fists. He didn't want to fight and feel like shit all at the same time. It took too much energy and he was tapped out, barely up and running. "Look, if it keeps up, I'll go, but for right now, I can make it. I've got that interview with Korman and his lawyer at eleven. It's my collar. I have to be there."

Ben massaged Ray's back through the thermal-knit shirt, his touch firm, but soothing at the same time. "I just worry, Ray. Despite your appalling personal habits, you're rarely sick."

Ray snorted and lifted his head to stare at Ben in amusement. "Appalling personal habits?"

"I don't mean it as a criticism, just an observation."

"Oh, yeah, no criticism taken, like eating dried-up moose meat isn't just as appalling as eating Twinkies."

"Pemmican is a highly concentrated form of acceptable protein. Twinkies, Ray, are hardly more than puffed air with some sugar and fat mixed in to clog one's arteries."

"Tastes good though. Yum."

"Ray --"

Holding up a hand, Ray cleared his throat and regretted it. Swallowing boiled glass would've hurt less. Still, he kept talking even though his voice got more and more raspy and lame, cutting out on the end of the words sometimes. "Look, I didn't get a cold from eating Twinkies, so drop it."

"Ray, promise me you'll see a doctor if this goes on much longer."

"Sure, okay, whatever. If I'm not better by the end of the week, I'll see Dr. Lang."

"That's three days away."

"Take it or lump it."

Reluctantly, Ben nodded in agreement. "Very well, but if it gets more acute, you might need to go sooner."

Frustrated with the whole discussion, Ray stood up and took the towel from around his shoulders. "Look, I need to take a shower and get ready to go in. You coming with me or going back to the Consulate?"

Ben stood up and stepped closer. "I'd rather go to the station with you, but I do have some things to clear up at the Consulate first. Let me do that and then I'll join you this afternoon."

"Sure."

Ben hooked the back of Ray's neck and drew him closer for a kiss, but Ray stopped him with a hand on his chest. "I don't want you to get sick, too."

"Let me worry about that."

Ray searched those blue eyes, knowing he could never say no when Ben looked at him like that, all big-eyed and needy. As he nodded permission, Ben leaned in and kissed him, soft and gentle, not too rough. When Ben pulled away, he frowned. It wasn't the look Ray was going for. "Ray?"

"What?"

"Your neck."

"What about my neck?"

Ben used both hands to touch and feel the sides of Ray's throat. Then he took Ray's right hand and placed it where he'd touched. "Feel that? Your lymph nodes are swollen, much more so than yesterday."

Ray pulled away and shook his head, frustrated with Ben's persistence. He loved Ben, but the guy never let up, never let anything just die and be done with it. Pick, pick, pick, always picking. "So what? I've got a cold. Limp nodes do that."

"Lymph nodes, and not like that, Ray. Let me call the doctor. He can probably fit you in after the Korman interview. You can do your duty and give me peace of mind at the same time."

Still rubbing his neck, Ray nearly relented. He had noticed the swelling, but didn't think that much of it. It happened sometimes when he got run down, no big deal. He hated when Ben worried, but he hated going to the doctor over just a stupid, little cold more. "I told you I'd go if it didn't get better and I will, but not today."

"You're just being obstinate."

"And you're being a pain in the ass, nagging and niggling, and making things worse." Ben stood absolutely ramrod straight, the way he did when Ray went too far. "Look, Fraser... Ben, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

"Yes, you did."

"Well, maybe, a little, but it's not like I don't appreciate why you do it."

Ben relaxed slightly and Ray moved in to take advantage. He wrapped his arms around Ben's middle and pulled him in closer. "I know you're worried. I get that, I do. I'd probably do the same thing if you were sick."

"I never get sick."

"Rub it in, why don't ya?"

"I didn't mean it like that. I just meant --"

"I know what you meant and I get where you're coming from. But you're overdoing it. Don't try so hard."

Ben cupped the side of Ray's face, his voice hushed. "It's all I know how to be, Ray. I can't change who I am."

"I'm not asking you to change. Just don't keep going on about something when I've told you how I feel."

"Even when it's important?"

Ray closed his eyes and dropped his forehead to Ben's shoulder. The position actually eased his headache, but not the pain in his heart. He hated hurting Ben, never wanted to do that. "You do what you have to and I'll do the same."

Ben cupped the back of his head, his fingers fanned out against his skull. Then he kissed Ray's neck. "We seem to be at loggerheads more often than not."

"It's the not part that works."

Chuckling, Ben agreed. "Yes, it does, and rather nicely, too, I might add."

Ray remembered the last time they'd spent the night together last week, right before he got sick, the heat and passion before it turned into a cuddlefest not to be missed. He loved that about Ben, how he could be on fire one minute and then all snuggly and easy the next. Ben surprised him in bed and that was damn fine in Ray's book. "I love you."

"And I you, which is why --"

Ray lifted his head and put a finger to Ben's lips to shush him. "Don't spoil it. I'll go shower, you go to work. Thanks for coming by this morning to check on me, but I'll see you this afternoon at the station."

Reluctantly, Ben accepted defeat. "Very well. Would you like me to bring Diefenbaker?"

"Sure, why not? Is he still moping over Lassie?"

Ben stepped to the closet and got his coat and Stetson. "It would appear that he's quite determined to catch the collie's eye, yes."

"She'd be a fool not to fall for Furface."

"I agree, but apparently there's a rather heated competition between Diefenbaker and the local Lothario, a Labrador mix."

"Then she's got no taste. Anyway, bring him if you can tear him away. Tell him I've got a doughnut with his name on it. That should do the trick."

Ben smiled at the obvious bribe, but didn't complain. Instead, he came over and kissed Ray's cheek. "I'll see you this afternoon, Ray."

"Sure. Later."

As soon as Ben left, Ray went into the bathroom and turned on the hot water in the shower. Before he got undressed, he checked himself out in the mirror. His face didn't look right, kind of shrunk in with his eyes all bruised and pinched-like. He rubbed his chin and decided to skip the shave. His hand slipped down to his neck as he checked out how swollen those nodes were again. Maybe Ben was right. Maybe he should go to the doctor. Maybe he should just stop being a big scaredy cat and find out why he walked around in a daze half the time lately, like he was punch drunk when he hadn't even been in the ring since that whole mess with Levon and Devlin.

Shaking himself all over, Ray pushed all those thoughts away and stripped off. He stepped into the hot stream of water and let it ease the aches and pains checking in from all over his body. Scrubbing himself, he focused instead on the job, on making the case stick against that scumbag Korman.

+++++++++

"Nice piece of work, Vecchio."

"Thanks, sir."

"Korman should be going down for a long stretch."

"Yeah, he should be. We've got the goods on the guy, but with a slimeball lawyer like Whitney, who knows? I hate guys like him, guys who twist things around and get lowlifes like Korman off, guys who should be sitting in a jail cell for the rest of his life. If it was up to me, Korman would get the needle for what he did."

Welsh patted Ray's shoulder in sympathy. "Have faith in the system, Detective. It works more often than not and it's the only one we've got at the moment."

"Yeah? Tell that to the kid he practically beat to death just to get off. Sick bastard." A coughing jag caught Ray off guard and doubled him over. He put a hand on the wall of the interrogation room to steady himself.

Welsh waited for him to get his wind back before he asked, "Speaking of sick, what about you? You've had that cough for a while now. You okay?"

"It's just a cold. Fraser gave me some stuff and it's better."

"Home remedy kind of thing, huh?"

"Yeah, something like that. Tastes like he boiled an old shoe and mixed in some blubber and lichen."

"Wouldn't put it past him. He's got some strange ways, the Canadian."

"That's a fact."

Welsh held up a finger. "Still, some of those old remedies are pretty good. My grandmother did something with a mustard plaster that I don't even want to think about. Stank to high heaven, but it always cured the cold in just a few days."

"Don't mention it to Fraser. He'd put some Mountie spin on it and no telling what I'd end up with."

"Good point. Anyway, why don't you finish up the paperwork on this thing and then take the rest of the afternoon off? Go home and take a nap or see a doctor. Just stop spreading your germs all over the squad room."

"Yeah, Dewey's stink is bad enough."

Welsh chuckled as he shook his head. "Wonder why he can't ever seem to smell it."

"Probably because he's got his head so far up his ass, he can't get a good whiff of himself."

"I didn't hear you say that, and if you say I did, I'll deny it." Welsh put his hand on Ray's shoulder and squeezed. "Now, for the fun part. Paperwork. Lots of forms to fill out. You do all those, and I'll be a happy man, or at least as happy as I can be considering I've got the quarterly reports to do tonight."

"Yes, sir. Paperwork, sir. Three bags full, sir."

"Good boy. Now get to it. I've got to track down Ms. Vecchio and make sure she's gotten all the records on my desk for my all night dedication to duty."

After Welsh left the room, Ray sagged down in the chair, taking just a minute to pull himself together. The interview with Korman drained him, made him sweat buckets, and got his head spinning. A couple of times, he nearly socked the guy in the jaw. The only thing that stopped him was that voice in his head that told him to think about the guy getting off on a technicality and police brutality being against the law or some shit like that. Funny how his little voice seemed to sound really Canadian and Fraser-like all of a sudden.

Ray got up and left the room, making his way to his desk past all the chaos that passed for run of the mill shenanigans these days. As soon as he sat down, he fished out a bottle of Tylenol he had stashed way in his bottom drawer. He took two with some cold coffee and then popped a cherry eucalyptus-flavored cough drop in his mouth. It might not stop the coughing, but it helped the sore throat.

By the time he'd finished about half the forms, Welsh stepped out of his office, his face pale. The last time Ray had seen that look on his boss's face, O'Reilly from third shift had been shot and killed in a holdup on his way home from the station. Welsh had called them all together to break the news so they wouldn't hear it on the six o'clock broadcast. "Vecchio, I need to see you."

The pit of his stomach tightened as Ray stood up and followed Welsh. As he shut the door, the Lieutenant motioned to his couch. "Have a seat."

Ray stayed standing, afraid to move a muscle until he knew for sure. "Is it Fraser? Did something happen?"

"No, nothing like that. Fraser's fine as far as I know."

"Then what?"

Welsh avoided his gaze and played with a folder on his desk. Rubbing his chin, Welsh cleared his throat. "There's no easy way to say this."

Ray shivered at the words, cold sweat breaking out all over his skin. "No offense, sir, but stop beating around the bush. What's going on? Somebody die?"

"Not exactly." Welsh finally lifted his head, his face about as grim as one of those death masks Fraser liked to check out in the museum he dragged him to sometimes. "You need to sit down."

"I don't want to sit down."

"Doesn't matter. You should sit down before I tell you what I've got to say."

Panic ran circles in his head as Ray settled on the couch, not sitting all the way back. "Is it my Mum? Did she have a stroke or a heart attack or something bad like that?"

"No, it's not your parents." Welsh still stood behind his desk, uneasy, his voice strained. "I just got a call from your ex-wife --"

Ray jumped to his feet, leaning on the desk with both arms outstretched. "Oh, my god! Something happened to Stella?"

Reaching out, Welsh grabbed Ray's shoulder, holding him still. "Settle down and just listen."

"Okay, okay, I'm listening. Stop dragging it out. What did Stella want?"

"You remember Kuzma?"

Ray snorted, like he could ever forget the guy who practically bit his left ear off. "That little freak show? What about him?"

"Apparently, he's been admitted to the prison hospital."

"So? What's that got to do with me?"

Welsh took a long breath before he finally said what he had to say. "He was admitted to the AIDS ward."

The air thinned as Ray tried to translate the words into something that made sense, any kind of sense. "AIDS ward?"

"Apparently he was HIV positive and it's gone into full blown AIDS."

The world tilted and the next thing Ray knew Welsh had him back on the couch with his head between his knees. When he tried to sit up, Welsh's hand on the back of his neck remained solid. "Stay put. Take a minute. I don't want you passing out."

Cold all over, Ray couldn't stop shaking, but finally managed to speak. "I'm okay. Let me sit up now."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

Welsh released his hold, but didn't move away. Instead he settled on the couch beside Ray. "I'm sorry. You know what this means, right?"

"The son of a bitch bit me."

"Yeah, which means you need to be tested."

Ray shook his head, in denial, wanting desperately to figure a way around that. "But people don't usually get AIDS from a bite."

"It's HIV, not AIDS and, no, they don't, but they can. There was blood all over the place and both of you were bleeding. You need to get the test to be safe."

Ray coughed several times and then shook his head again. "Safe? How's it ever going to be safe if I'm positive?"

"You're probably not positive, Ray. It's just a precaution. Besides, you can go and get that cold checked out at the same time. Make it a two for one special."

"Fuck." Ray wrapped his arms around his chest just as another round of coughing caught him. When he finished, he looked up to see Welsh eyeing him with concern. "I'm okay. It's just a cold."

"I'm sure it is. I'm sure it is. Just go get the test. Leave the paperwork until later."

Ray stood up, suddenly pissed. "I can do my own fucking paperwork, sir. I don't want that asshole Korman getting off because I didn't cross a fucking T or dot an I. I'll finish up and then take off."

"But then you'll get the test?"

"Like I've got any choice."

"You've got the choice, Ray, but you and I both know you won't sleep until you know one way or the other."

Ray's quick anger melted away. "Yeah, I know." He thumbed in the direction of the squad room. "Guess I'd better get back to work."

"Sure."

With his hand on the doorknob, Ray stopped. "Look, do me a favor. Don't tell Fraser about this. Let me tell him."

For the first time during the conversation, Welsh looked relieved, like Ray took a huge weight off his shoulders. "Not a problem. This is your business. Handle it the way you need to."

"Thanks."

"And, Ray?"

"What?"

"Don't put it off. You know Fraser. He'll figure out something's wrong faster than a cold beer gets warm at a Cubs game."

"Yeah, I know. Don't worry about it. I'll tell him."

Ray left the office, but instead of heading for his desk, he went straight to the bathroom. With the stall door locked, he dropped to his knees and lost everything he'd eaten in the last week or two.

++++++++++

Back at his desk, Ray finished up the rest of his forms on autopilot. He'd done the same reports hundreds of times, so he knew what to write and how to write it without having to think too hard. Good thing, too, since his brain wanted to spin off somewhere he wasn't ready to go yet. How could he tell Fraser that he might have HIV? How could he even begin to tell Fraser he might have given him something he didn't even know he might have?

He'd always played it safe, never messed around with every Tom, Dick, or Harry, just Stella, and now Fraser. He'd kept himself clean even when it would've been easy to mess around. It wasn't like he never got any offers or wanted to just say fuck it and go fuck. It wasn't fair that some prick could come along and do crazy shit and lower the boom for no good reason.

"Fuck."

Heads turned in Ray's direction and everybody got quiet. Ray glanced around, growled, and everybody went back to work. The tension persisted, but Ray could give a shit. He had other things to think about, bigger fish.

Frannie came over to his desk, her voice softer than usual. "Hey, Ray, you okay?"

"Fine. Stop asking."

"You want a Coke or coffee or something?"

Ray put his pen down and shook his head, pissed at his own behavior. "No, thanks, Frannie. Sorry."

"It's okay. It's that Vecchio blood. We get snippy sometimes."

He grinned in spite of his bad mood. Frannie always seemed to know the right thing to say to make the day a little better. "Yeah, I guess being your brother rubs off."

"Speaking of which, Ma was just asking why you haven't come by for a while. Why don't you and Fraser come over for lasagna tonight? She always makes plenty."

Ray took a long, calming breath and shook his head. He didn't want to think about being with anyone but Fraser right now. He didn't trust himself not to have a breakdown or just pop somebody in the head at the drop of a hat or a meatball, whatever. He fisted his hands together on the desk to keep from shaking apart. "Thanks, but no thanks. Besides, I'd probably end up locked in a room somewhere until your Ma made sure my cold was gone."

"That's a fact. Nothing cheers Ma up more than having somebody to take care of and fuss over. She'd have a field day with you lately."

Before he answered, Fraser walked in, all dressed in red like something off a Christmas tree. That image stayed strong in Ray's mind, how much of a gift Fraser was in his life ever since that first day when he'd seen all that red coming his way. Ray couldn't take his eyes off the guy and not just because he was the best looking guy on the planet, either. It was the way Fraser did things, what he said, how everything in the world revolved around just the two of them as partners from the get go.

Ben held his Stetson in one hand and lifted the other in greeting. "Ray."

"Fraser."

Frannie turned, her eyes all goo-goo-like. "Afternoon, Fraser."

"Good afternoon, Francesca."

Backing away, she kept her eyes on the Mountie and a big smile on her face. As soon as she got back to her desk, she sat down, happy as a lark because she got her daily dose of Fraser gawking.

Fraser turned his attention to Ray. "Have you had lunch yet?"

Closing the folder, Ray shook his head. "Let me run this in to Welsh. Then we'll go."

"Certainly." Ben studied him harder with those eyes that never missed a trick. "Is something wrong?"

Ray didn't look up, just lifted a hand to stall. "I'll tell you later."

Ben's expression got even darker, but he stayed quiet. Ray walked over and tapped on the door. He heard his Lieutenant's bark and went in. Welsh sat behind his desk, his reading glasses on the end of his nose. Ray dropped the file on his desk. "I'm done. I'm taking off. I've got an appointment for later, so I won't be back the rest of the day."

"Not a problem."

"Good."

As Ray turned, Welsh added, "You've got sick days. Take 'em, if you need to."

"Thanks. We'll see."

Ray hurried out, grabbed his leather jacket, and motioned for Fraser to follow. Fraser fell into step beside Ray, but neither man spoke until they reached the parking lot and Ray had his keys out. "Where's Dief?"

"It would seem the call of nature is stronger than that of pastry."

"Go, Dief."

"Ray, what's wrong? What's happened to make you so upset?"

"Just get in the car. I don't want to say it out here in the open."

"Say what?"

"Ben, come on, work with me here. Just get in the damn car."

Ben opened the door and slid in, staying silent. Behind the wheel, Ray coughed several times and fought down the urge to bawl. No way was he losing it here, not at the station, not until he knew he had reason to lose it. He didn't start the car, but turned in the seat to face Fraser. "I'd rather tell you back at my place, but we don't have time. I've got an appointment at Dr. Lang's in half an hour."

"I'm glad you've come to your senses, Ray, but I get the feeling this is about more than your cold."

"Bingo. You're right. It is." Ray pinched the bridge of his nose, not really sure how to say what he had to say. Ben reached over and touched his shoulder, squeezing it for encouragement. Ray kept his eyes shut as he kept the story short, but not so sweet. "Kuzma has AIDS. Welsh just told me."

"Dear God, Ray, your ear."

"I know, I know. Go figure. Something that everybody thought was some big joke turned out not to be so funny."

"I'm sorry."

Ray lifted his head, taking comfort in the fact that Ben hadn't pulled away. "Listen, I asked Lang to give me the test, but I want him to give you one, too."

"Me? Why?"

"You know why."

Ben shook his head, not understanding his urgency. "Ray, first of all, the chances of you being infected by the bite are minimal. It's concerning, yes, because the risk is always there. However, in the times we've been intimate, we've always used protection."

"Sure, for most of it, but what about the other times?"

"Other times?"

"Yeah, you know, when you used your mouth."

Ben's lips thinned and his eyes widened a little, not much, but enough to see the reason Ray worried. "Ah, I see your point. While oral sex has the lowest risk factor, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to get tested again."

"Again?"

"I get tested on a regular basis, Ray. It's what's recommended for anyone who's sexually active."

"But I thought you weren't sexually active until six weeks ago?"

"Thus, the test, which was negative, by the way."

Ray nodded, the knot in his stomach a little less tight. Ben seemed okay, not too panicked by the whole thing. "Good to know."

"Indeed." Ben squeezed his shoulder again. "And I'm confident that yours will be negative as well. Still, I'm sure you're concerned. The sooner the test is done, the better to relieve your distress."

"You're taking this pretty well, considering I could've infected you."

Ben paused and stared into his eyes, his face serious, but calm. "Don't mistake my optimism for lack of apprehension and empathy, Ray. I know you're scared. However, once we have the facts, it'll be easier to deal with whatever the situation might be."

"And you're not scared, not even a little?"

"The odds are in our favor, Ray, so, no, I'm not scared."

"Thought you didn't bet."

"I don't."

"Sounds like it and this is a lot bigger gamble than playing for air."

"I have faith that you'll be fine."

Ray's eyes stung and he blinked a few more times to clear his vision. Faith was something he'd never had a whole lot of. It just wasn't his strong suit. He usually left that up to people like Ben who believed in seeing the bright side a lot better than he did. "I guess, I just sort of jumped to the worst case scenario thing. It was like somebody just took a hammer and knocked my brains out. I couldn't think straight, you know?"

"Understood." Ben patted Ray's face affectionately. "You're upset. Would you like me to drive?"

Ray cracked a weak laugh and shook his head as he wiped the wet side of his face real fast, hoping Ben didn't notice the one that got away. "I might be upset, but I ain't crazy. You're not driving the car with me in it unless I'm too far gone to notice."

"I can drive, Ray. I've had the training course and did quite well, considering." Ben pretended to be insulted, but Ray knew it was a farce, a big play to get his mind off the whole business of maybe carrying a killer bug in his bloodstream.

"Considering what?"

"Considering the car wasn't a dogsled."

Ray smiled as he turned on the engine. "Next time we're in a blizzard and you want to hook up a team of huskies and Dief, fine, you've got the wheel. Meanwhile, I'm the one driving, got it?"

"Understood."

+++++++++

"A week? Are you saying I have to wait a week to find out one way or the other?"

Dr. Lang continued to feel around Ray's throat and under his armpits, frowning and not looking the least bit happy. "I might be able to rush the results, but Monday would be as soon as I could get them. We send those tests out to a specialized lab."

"Then rush away, Doc. I need to know."

"I understand that, Ray, and considering the circumstances, I'll see what I can do." In his mid-forties, dark-haired, and in good shape, Dr. Lang put his stethoscope in his ears. "Breathe normally." Ray tried, but didn't get far and went with a deep, barky cough instead. Lang waited for the spell to pass and continued to listen, his face even more grim. "In addition to the blood tests, I want a chest x-ray."

"You think it's that serious?"

"I don't like what I'm hearing. You've got a lot of congestion and wheezing. I need to rule out pneumonia. I'm also going to swab your throat for strep and do a mono spot test for mononucleosis."

Ray rubbed his throat. "I didn't think about it being that."

"It might not be, but it's something." Lang slipped off his latex gloves and crossed his arms, leaning back against the counter. "Ray, you said this exposure happened about six weeks ago, right?"

Touching his left earlobe, Ray teased the raised scar with his fingers. "Yeah, the guy about took my ear off."

"And you said he had a bloody mouth and nose at the time?"

That awful tightness in his belly returned. "Yeah, I'd popped him a couple of times to get him under control, but he sneaked around and got me when I wasn't looking."

"It's likely not related, but sometimes there's something called conversion illness that happens and it fits this timeframe. Swollen nodes, low grade fever, general malaise."

"Mayonnaise?"

"Malaise, which means fatigue and headache with sore muscles and joints."

"Right, malaise. Gotcha." Ray swallowed hard, trying to put on a calm face. He had malaise and then some. "So, what's this conversion thing?"

"Well, in some cases after exposure, people convert from being negative to positive and they often display these symptoms."

Cold chills went up Ray's spine and he shivered in his paper gown. "You're telling me that's what you think this is?"

"No, I'm just mentioning the possibility. Has anything else unusual happened recently?"

"I work with a Mountie and a wolf, Doc. Every day's unusual."

"I'm serious, Ray. Have you been around someone who's ill or did you suffer from some kind of exposure that might stress your respiratory system?"

"Would nearly drowning and sucking in a few boatloads of lake water count?"

"Are you saying you fell in Lake Michigan?"

"It was one of the Great Lakes, Lake Superior, I think, but it all kind of runs together. We were on this big boat and it sank. Fraser and I barely got out alive. In fact, if it weren't for Fraser, I wouldn't have made it." Ray didn't want to think about that, about nearly drowning and how close he came to croaking if it hadn't been for the infamous buddy breathing thing Fraser pulled.

Dr. Lang studied him a moment and then shook his head like he was trying to decide whether to believe him or call in the guys in white suits with the butterfly nets. "It sounds like you could've been exposed to a number of things then."

"Maybe, I don't know. Now that I think about it, I started getting sick about a week after the big swim."

"Then what I'd like to do is run the HIV test along with some other tests to check your immune system completely. Even if it's not conversion, you're run down from some kind of infection, viral or bacteria. Whatever lake you fell into could be the culprit, or it might not have anything to do with that. Regardless, I need to know more before I can prescribe adequate treatment."

His brain kind of numb, Ray wished Lang had let Ben in the room. It was hard to remember and take in all the stuff he was saying so fast. It was like his brain went to lunch and left him on hold, not having a clue about what to do or think about anything the guy was saying. It was like Ray left the room and Lang was talking to someone else, like it wasn't real.

Swallowing down the rising panic, Ray got back to his main worry. "Look, Fraser needs the test, too. Can we just do it together?"

"You're talking about Constable Fraser, your partner?"

"Yeah."

"Ray, you can't transmit HIV through casual contact. I'm sure Constable Fraser's fine."

Ray cleared his throat. He knew he shouldn't be embarrassed, but he'd never been comfortable talking about his sex life. "Fraser's my partner partner, not just my cop partner."

Lang's eyes widened a little in surprise, but not enough to show any real sign of disapproval. "I see. I didn't realize you two were together off the job."

"It's pretty recent. It started right after the boat thing."

"Have you been practicing safe sex?"

"Yeah, mostly, except for the oral stuff."

Lang nodded in understanding. "Even if you were infected, the chances are very low that he'd become infected through oral sex. However, to be on the safe side, since he recently became my patient, too, I can write an order for his test as well. In the future, use protection for all forms of intimate contact."

"Sure. Thanks."

"No problem, Ray." Lang waved at Ray's clothes. "Why don't you get dressed. Let me write up the orders and call them in. You and the Constable can go over to the lab and radiology next door in the medical center. My nurse will give you directions and the papers you'll need to take with you. As soon as you're done, come back to my office. I want to see you again after I've seen the x-ray so I can write you some prescriptions."

"I know I need the blood test, but what's the big rush on the rest? Can't I just come back in tomorrow?"

Lang didn't pull any punches. "This is serious, Ray. I want to stay on top of any infection you might have, but I need to know what I'm dealing with. If it's pneumonia, then you might need hospitalization." Ray tried to interrupt and protest, but Lang kept going. "I don't think it is, but I've got to play it safe. If it's bronchitis or strep, then I'll give you a shot of antibiotic and some pills and send you home to bed. Either way, you need to rest. You're run down, and I don't like that. I want to know why a usually healthy guy like yourself is having these symptoms."

"You sound like a detective, like you're solving the case and I'm the case."

"Well, in a way, that's what I am, a medical detective and you're the mystery man."

"Funny."

"What?"

"I'd rather be the cop than the guy on the other end."

Lang patted his shoulder in sympathy. "I understand completely."

As soon as Lang left, Ray rubbed his face hard and wished like hell he'd strangled Kuzma the first time he'd ever laid eyes on the scrawny, diseased son of a bitch.

++++++++++

Ray stumbled rather than walked into the apartment and dropped onto the sofa. Ben followed, securing the door and putting the bags of medications on the table. "Ray, I'll make you something to eat and then you can go to bed."

"I'm not hungry."

"I know, but you haven't eaten all day. Plus, you need to be sure to drink plenty of liquids. You have pills to take."

Ray stretched out on the sofa, his boots still on, his head swimming. His whole body shook inside his skin, like every muscle in his body decided it was time to rebel and stop paying attention to anything he might say. Even his voice came out shaky. "I need to call Welsh. Let him know I won't be in tomorrow."

"Or the rest of the week."

"Yeah, that, too."

"I can do that."

"No, I'll do it. Just give me a minute."

Eyes squeezed shut, Ray listened as Ben moved around in the kitchen, putting the pots on the stove, making more tea. After a few moments, Ben came over and brought him a glass of water and some pills. "Ray, you need to sit up and take these."

"In a minute. I don't feel so good."

"Are you nauseous?"

"Yeah, and dizzy and I can't stop shaking."

"That's from the breathing treatment with the bronchial dilator. Dr. Lang said it might have side effects, but your breathing is a lot less labored and wheezy."

"I still feel rocky."

"I understand. When you feel more stable, you can take the medication. Would you like some ginger ale to settle your stomach?"

Ray opened one eye and peeked at Ben. "We've got ginger ale?"

"Yes, I picked up a bottle when I filled the prescriptions. I'll go out later and get some more supplies in, things that might be easy for you to fix and eat this week while you're resting."

"Thanks, and, yeah, ginger ale sounds good."

As Ben went back to the refrigerator to get the drink, Ray sat up, the world taking a couple of extra spins before it settled down. He reached over and picked up the pills and took the offered glass when Ben handed it to him. He swallowed the medicine down all at once, nearly choking. The ginger ale helped, stinging his throat, but taking that nasty taste out of his mouth from the stuff he'd breathed in at the doctor's office. Lang had him on the table for half an hour breathing in stuff that reminded him of getting high on gas fumes when he worked in a garage too long. Then he gave him a monster shot in his hip, some antibiotic that would kick start killing whatever germ partied in his lungs.

With all those miracles of modern medicine, he should've felt better, but instead, he just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. Problem was his body and head had different ideas. His body trembled and his head wouldn't stop talking trash, gloom and doom and why the fuck bother?

"Ray?"

"Yeah?"

"You didn't say much on the way home."

"Not much to say. I've got bronchitis, maybe some other stuff, all having a good time making me feel like shit, but we still don't know if I've got something a lot worse."

Ben sat on the sofa beside him and reached out for his hand. He laced their fingers together. "I know it's a lot to deal with at one time, but once your respiratory infection clears up and you're over the initial shock of your exposure, you'll feel a lot better."

Ray closed his eyes again, fighting off his own desperation. He squeezed Ben's hand. "I just wish they had a faster test. I'm no good at waiting, never have been, never will be. You'd think they would've come up with something quicker than a week by now."

Ben held his hand with both his own, his voice soft. "Ray, I know this is difficult, and I, better than anyone, know your impatient nature. It doesn't serve you well in this case."

"I know. I just hate not knowing. I can deal with bronchitis and whatever else this is. I don't know if I can handle the other thing."

"You mean HIV?"

"Yeah, that's what I said, the other thing."

"We'll handle whatever happens, Ray."

"What if I can't?"

"You will."

Ray opened his eyes and studied his partner. "How do you know? How do you know? You can't see the future."

"Because I know you, Ray. You're stronger than you think and much braver."

"You don't exactly have an unbiased opinion. You think I'm better than I am, always have."

"That's true in some ways. When it comes to you, my opinions do tend to be filtered through my love for you. That doesn't alter the fact that love doesn't make me blind to your faults or your strengths."

"Thanks, for the strengths part anyway." Ray took a long breath and sat back, gripping Ben's hand. "I still think having to wait around not knowing is shitty." Ben heaved a heavy sigh and Ray asked, "What?"

"I'll get you some soup."

Ray squeezed Ben's hand and shook his head. "Tell me what you were just thinking."

"It can wait."

Eyes narrowed, Ray persisted, needing Ben to be honest. "Tell me."

"Ray, I know you were distracted when Dr. Lang spoke to us, but I'm wondering how much you really understood about what he said."

"Like I know the difference between a C3PO cell and R2D2. Most of what he said didn't make any sense. It was like doc talk, all gibberish."

Ben turned, frowning and his brow raised. "A C3PO cell?"

"Yeah, you know, from STAR WARS."

"I see. So, you're referring to CD4 T cells which are the cells of the immune system that HIV targets?"

"Ben, please, my head hurts. I don't get this stuff, never did. I barely passed biology and when I went to school, they didn't know a T cell from a prison cell. What I'm saying is that I don't care how it works. I just don't want it working on me. I want to know that Kuzma didn't infect me or you, and we've got to wait another damn week to find out." Ben's eyes softened and he nodded, but Ray saw something else, something that Ben wasn't saying. "What'd I miss? What is it you don't want to tell me? Did Dr. Lang say something to you while I was getting the breathing treatment?"

"Nothing like that, Ray. It's just that I don't think you fully understand that even if the test comes back negative, which I'm sure it will, you'll still need to be tested again."

"What do you mean, again?"

"It's standard procedure after exposure to get tested at three month intervals for up to a year."

Ray could hardly form the words, his mouth and throat suddenly dry. "A year?"

"Most people become positive by six months, but there have been some cases of it not showing up for a year, yes."

"Fuck."

"I'm sorry."

Ray had trouble working up enough spit to talk. "I didn't hear him say that."

"I know, because he didn't say it, but it's in the literature."

Sitting back up, Ray drew his hand from Ben's and rubbed his face hard. He couldn't believe this thing was happening, really going down and taking him with it. "A fucking year? You're saying I've got to deal with this for a whole year before I know for sure one way or the other?"

"I'm afraid so, yes."

Ray wanted to get up and run, kick in somebody's head, maybe knock out a few windows somewhere. Instead, he just sat there wishing for the return of his previous ignorance. His eyes stung and this time he didn't hide the tears. Ben held him tightly. "Ray, it'll be all right."

Words failed him and Ray just swayed in those arms, grateful that at least he had Ben to hold him. He fought down his fear and anger, wishing like hell that Ben was right about a bright future and that his own doubts would drown in the icy dark of his gut.

+++++++++++

Ray woke up slowly, took a deep breath, but didn't cough this time. His chest still ached a little, but it was better, not as tight as before. A snuffle at the side of the bed got his attention and he opened his eyes. Dief woofed and put his paws up on the mattress to get a closer look. Smiling, Ray laughed, ruffling the wolf's fur, and got his hand licked for his troubles. "Hey, good to see ya, too, buddy."

"He's happy to see you as well, Ray." Ben watched from the doorway, his arms crossed.

"How'd he get here?"

"Turnbull dropped him by."

"That was nice."

"Yes, it was." Ben walked in and sat on the edge of the bed. Meanwhile, Dief went over to the corner rug of the bedroom and curled up to keep watch.

A little embarrassed by his earlier breakdown, Ray avoided Ben's gaze. "Look, I'm sorry about losing it. It just sort of hit me all at once, like a ton of bricks. I got going and couldn't stop."

"It's all right. You had a lot to take in all at once."

"Yeah, I know, but I hate crying like a big baby."

"Nonsense, Ray. You were upset. There's nothing wrong with a man crying under those circumstances."

"Yeah, well, I'm better now, thanks. I'm still not happy about this waiting a year thing, though. It sucks."

"I agree. There are studies being done all over the world and I'm sure we'll have accurate and speedier tests soon."

"But that won't make the whole wait for a year thing go away."

"No, I'm afraid it won't do that."

Ray closed his eyes, still worn out and his body weighed down. "I feel doped up."

"It's the cough syrup. It contains codeine."

"That explains it. I'm so sleepy I can hardly keep my eyes open."

"Then sleep. When you wake up, it should be time for more medicine."

Before Ben stood, Ray grabbed his arm. "Wait. Don't go."

Ben patted Ray's hand. Then he leaned over and took off his boots. When he finished, he whispered, "Scoot over."

As Ray made room, Ben slipped off his pants. Wearing only his briefs and Henley, he slid in beside Ray. Strong arms wrapped around Ray's waist, hugging him close. Ben's heat and solid press against his body soothed Ray, made the world secure, made breathing a little easier. "Thanks."

"For what, Ray?"

"For being here, for looking after me, for giving a shit."

Ben kissed his shoulder. "I love you, Ray. There's no place I'd rather be than with you."

"A lot of people say that, but they don't always show it. They don't stick around when things get tough."

Still snuggled down, Ben spoke quietly. "You're talking about Stella."

Ray knew it wasn't a question. He also knew Ben hated when he talked about his ex-wife, but he needed to say what he was thinking, explain how important it was that Ben was there with him. "When we first got married, I still smoked. Got hooked when I was a teenager and it wrecked my lungs for a while. Anyway, I'd get these bad colds and bronchitis every year. Stella would take off, go stay at her mom's until I was better."

Ben lifted his head from the pillow to stare at him in disbelief. "Are you saying she left you alone when you were sick?"

"She said she didn't want to get sick, too, or that she wasn't a nurse. Pick an excuse and she had one. Anyway, my mum usually took care of me if I got too sick to take care of myself, which happened twice that I can remember once I was grown. When I hit thirty, I quit smoking and all that stopped, well, until now."

"Ray, that's incredible. I can't imagine leaving someone I loved because he was ill. It's unconscionable."

"Yeah, well, that's Stella. She had this thing about germs. Hell, I figure that's why she hasn't even called even though she's the one who told Welsh about Kuzma. It's like she's afraid she might catch it through the phone or something."

Ben caressed Ray's face, his voice soft. "I'll never leave you, Ray."

As Ben leaned in to kiss him, Ray pulled back. "Better not."

Shaking his head stubbornly, Ben got even closer. "Too late now, Ray. I'm in this, sickness or health, it makes no difference."

"Not afraid of a few germs?"

"I laugh in the face of germs, Ray."

"You do, huh?"

"Absolutely."

Puckering up, Ray surrendered to the kiss, Ben's tongue slipping between his lips, hot and exploring. When it was over, Ray rolled in closer, his eyes closed as he used Ben's chest for a pillow. He knew when he woke, Ben would be there, his anchor, his strength, the one person who never gave up on him. Just knowing that puffed up his courage, let him believe that he could handle this, whatever this happened to be.

++++++++

Ray hobbled out of the bedroom, walking on air and kind of floaty. Codeine always did make him half-high and half out of his head. At least the coughing had let up and that was a fair tradeoff in Ray's book. He scratched his head and then his belly, his skin kind of itchy. "Hey, what's going on? I heard pots and pans rattling."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's okay. I had to get up and go to the can anyway. So, what's cookin'?"

"That would be the soup, Ray."

With his nose still stopped up, Ray didn't bother sniffing. "What kind of soup?"

"Chicken with noodles and onions. Your mother called, and when I told her you were under the weather, she gave me the recipe."

"You told my mum I was sick?"

"I just said that you had bronchitis."

Relieved, Ray settled into a chair at the table, resting his face in his hands. "Good, because I don't want her to know about this other thing. I mean, she'd just worry and we don't even know if there's anything to worry about yet."

"That's very true, Ray. However, she seemed to know you were ill before she called. She apparently talked to Stella."

Pissed off, Ray lifted his head. "Yeah? What'd she say, exactly?"

"Only that Stella hinted that she needed to call."

"Nothing else? She didn't come right out and ask about you know?"

"You know?"

"Don't fuck with me here, Fraser. When I say you know, you know what I'm saying."

Stiffening, Ben busied himself putting bowls on the table before he finally answered. "I believe you're using you know as a euphemism for HIV."

"Right, so what did Mum say when she called?"

Ben put a glass of ginger ale in front of Ray and sat down across from him with his own cup of tea. "She said what I told you, that Stella said you weren't well. She mentioned how you used to get sick a lot when you were younger, but that you'd been better the last few years. Then she gave me the recipe and said your father sends his love."

Ray snorted and shook his head. "Right, like Pop would really say that."

"Your father wouldn't send his love?"

"She always says it even though my dad never would. They moved to Arizona for a lot of reasons."

"Which were?"

"Me and the weather, in that order."

"I don't understand."

Ray raised a hand to stall any questions. He didn't want to think about his father's anger, his hurtful words right before he pretty much told him to fuck off for becoming a cop. No way could he deal with all that baggage with everything else filling his plate. Maybe later, a lot later, like when he was old and grey later, and had one iota of understanding about why his dad dumped all over him for making what Ray thought was one of the best decisions Ray ever made. It made his heart hurt to just think about his dad ripping his world apart that afternoon after his graduation. "I don't want to talk about my old man right now, okay?"

"Understood." Ben sipped his tea and then added, "The soup should be done in a few minutes. Would you like a sandwich or something else to go with it?"

"No, the soup's fine." Ray paused. "Look, I'm sorry for snapping and being such a jerk before. I just don't want you or Stella or anyone else spilling the beans to my mum. She's got enough to worry about."

"If she knows, she didn't learn it from me."

"I guess I need to call Stella and tell her to keep her mouth shut about it."

"Why would she tell your mother about your exposure? I would assume she'd want to keep that confidential. Being a lawyer I'm sure she's aware of the right to privacy."

"She and Mum talk all the time. They're best friends, always have been since before we got married and even after the divorce. There's not a lot Stella doesn't tell my mum and vice versa."

"I see."

Ray took a long drink of the ginger ale and put the tumbler on the table, his hands wrapped around the cool glass. "No, you don't see. They do girl talk, tell secrets, talk about private stuff. It used to bug me when we were married. I mean, you don't want to think about your wife telling your mum about your sex life."

"Oh, dear. I'd think not."

"Oh, dear is right. Used to make me crazy. I remember one time my mum sent me this book to help out. I thought I was going to have a stroke or something when I opened it up and it was a sex book from my mum of all people. Jesus. Stella thought it was thoughtful and funny." Ray rubbed his face. "You know, I think I'm finally getting why me and Stella didn't work out." When he didn't get a response, Ray looked up and saw Ben staring at him all pink and flushed. "What?"

"I'm a little stunned, Ray. Your mother sent you a sex book?"

"Yeah, I know, and it didn't stop with just one, oh, no, not my mum, Queen of the modern, enlightened mums. She started sending me all kinds of instructional manuals about once a week for over a month."

"Extraordinary."

"She thought she was helping. It took me a while to get over being tongue-tied enough to tell her to stop."

Ben cleared his throat, but his face still remained red. "I'm sure she meant well, Ray."

"I'm sure she did. Meanwhile, I got a complex and it put my sex life in the toilet."

"Ah. Performance anxiety I take it?"

"You take it right. After seeing all those pictures--"

"Pictures?"

"Did I forget to mention that? The books had pictures, lots of 'em in full color and with guys who had dicks that had to be photo-enhanced or something. Nobody is that well hung without being related to King Kong or some other monster gorilla. Anyway, it took a while to get back in business."

"Back in business?"

"Yeah, you know, busy in the sack without visions of being a needle dick dancing in my head." Ben coughed and covered his mouth as he tried to hide his laughter. "You think that's funny, me feeling like I had to prove something?"

Ben cleared his throat and regained his composure, but just barely. "Not at all, Ray. It's just that--"

"It's just what?"

"It's just that you've got nothing to fear in that department. You're very well endowed."

Ray sat back, pleased. "Good answer."

"In fact, I'd hazard to say that you could easily have modeled in one of those sex books."

Now he was getting somewhere, with Ben looking all pleased with himself and him, too. "You think?"

"Definitely."

"You don't think I'd be too shabby to pose naked?"

Ben's eyes narrowed and his skin flushed for a whole different reason. "I don't want you naked for anyone but me, Ray."

"Possessive much?"

"You mind?"

"Not a bit." Ray leaned in again, his voice softer, but still husky from being sick and a little turned on at the same time. "In fact, I kind of like it. I like that you care enough to want to keep me to yourself. I feel the same way. You try to strip down for the cameras and we're going to have trouble."

"I don't see that happening."

"They ever do a Mountie calendar or something, then you'd better keep your clothes on. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Good."

Ben got up and moved closer, kissing Ray before announcing supper. "The soup's ready."

Ray captured the back of Ben's neck and kissed him again before he let his partner serve him chicken soup like his mum used to make. Ray shifted in the chair and grinned. He couldn't be too sick if he still got that hard from just talking and a little kiss or two.

"Ben?"

"Yes, Ray?"

"You staying the night?"

Ben turned from the stove. "I thought I might, yes, if you'll have me."

"Good, that's good. I'd like that."

++++++++++

Korman, the ugly, fat bastard, beat the boy down, used a nightstick to bloody all that soft, blond hair. Ray stood in the corner, his hands tied, his voice gone and his throat raw from screaming. Just as Korman delivered a final blow, the boy's face changed, transformed into Ray's face, all smashed and distorted. The pain slashed all the way down Ray's left cheekbone and through the back of his skull.

Suddenly, Ray jerked hard and sat upright in bed, scrambling to remember where the fuck he was. He gasped for air and coughed hard several times. He grabbed the tissues and spit out all the gunk before he finally caught his breath.

"Ray?"

A comforting hand settled on Ray's arm, but it took a few seconds for reality to sink in, for Ray to realize he was safe and not half-dead somewhere on a cold warehouse floor. He closed his eyes and sagged back against the pillow, safe from Korman, from the nightmare that made him helpless in his own head. "Jesus."

"Bad dream?"

"Oh, yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It's just nerves. This whole thing with Korman hit me wrong, what he did to that kid. It just sticks with me, finding the kid all beat up like that. That kind of shit should never happen."

"I agree."

Ray swallowed a few times to get rid of the cottonmouth before he turned to see Ben still lying beside him. From the pale light through the window, he knew it was morning. "Shouldn't you be getting ready for work?"

"I thought I might take a day's leave."

"I appreciate that, but I don't need a nurse or a babysitter. I'm a lot better than yesterday. I figure I'll just sleep and maybe catch a hockey game or something later."

Ben frowned, obviously disappointed. "You don't want me to stay with you?"

"Sure, I want you to, but there's no need, honest."

"If you're sure --"

"I'm sure. Go on, get dressed. Go make Canada safe for all the little Turnbulls of the world."

Reluctantly, Ben sat up, his hair all mussed from sleep. "If you insist. However, I'll leave Diefenbaker to keep you company."

"I'd love to have him, but I don't know if I'm up for taking him out."

"You won't have to. I plan to come back for lunch."

"It's a long way to come just to check on a sick guy."

Ben leaned over and kissed him, not the least bit concerned about morning breath or picking up whatever Ray had. "My sick guy."

Ray laughed and patted Ben's face. "You bet. Now you'd better shower and get going before you're late. I think you end up in Mountie hell or something if you're tardy."

Reluctantly, Ben got out of bed and headed to the bathroom, leaving Ray alone. Still lying there, Ray went over the events of the last twenty-four hours. They all ran together, the fear and panic making it hard to remember it all. As he lay there, something important suddenly flashed in his head and he sat bolt upright again. "Shit."

Ray reached for the phone by the bed and dialed Welsh's direct number. He heard his Lieutenant on the line after just two rings. "Welsh here."

"Listen, did you tell Dewey?"

"Vecchio? Is that you? Why are you calling me on a sick day? Go back to bed."

"I'm serious, sir. Did you tell Dewey?"

"Did I tell Dewey what?"

"About Kuzma."

"Why would I tell Dewey about Kuzma?"

Ray took a deep breath, his voice still strained from the infection. "Kuzma bit Dewey in the hand when they were in the interrogation room. I don't know if it broke the skin or not. It wasn't in the report."

"Shit."

"So, you didn't tell him?"

"No, I didn't tell him. I didn't think about it."

"You need to tell him."

"I plan to. Don't worry."

"How can I not worry? He might be in the same boat I am. Kuzma might have taken us both out, the sick fuck."

"Calm down, Ray. Listen, don't worry about Dewey. I'll talk to him and find out if the bite broke the skin."

"Sir, call me back. I need to know."

"I can't do that."

"You can't do that? Why not?"

"For the same reason I can't tell Dewey or anyone else about you."

"You're kidding, right? You're going to make me sweat it over Dewey?"

A long pause came over the line. Finally, Welsh spoke again. "I'll do this. I'll ask Dewey about the bite. If it broke the skin and he wants to tell you about it, he can. If not, that's up to him."

"Okay, okay. I can work with that. I was just lying here thinking and then I remembered that whole business about the mask Kuzma had on and it hit me. Dewey might need the test, too."

"Thanks for the call, detective. I'll get on it. Meanwhile, you go back to bed. You still sound terrible."

"I'm actually a lot better. These drugs are pretty good. I thought I might come back tomorrow just to check in on some of my cases."

"You do and I'll kick your ass. Better yet, I'll call the Mountie and let him do it." Welsh's voice softened with concern. "Stay home like the doctor ordered. Your fair share of crime will still be here when you get cleared."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure. Relax and get better."

"Yeah, okay, thanks."

The receiver clicked and the phone line went dead. Ray hung up and sat back just as Ben came into the bedroom to finish dressing. "Ray, what's wrong?"

"I forgot about Dewey."

"What about Dewey?"

"Kuzma bit him, too."

Ben stood very still and then sat down on the edge of the bed. "Good Lord. I didn't know that."

"It might still be okay. It might not have broken the skin."

"Let's pray that's the case."

"Yeah, us being on hold with this shit is enough."

Ben turned and stared at him. "On hold?"

"Yeah, like you're waiting and waiting and never getting an answer, on hold. I feel like my life is stuck in Limbo."

"Uncertainty is difficult by its very nature. Still, we have every reason to be hopeful, Ray. There's no need to despair."

Ray met Ben's concerned gaze and shook his head. "Sorry. Is that how it sounded, like I'm having some big pity party or something?"

"Maybe a little, but you've got reason."

"Yeah, maybe, but I've also got you, so I've got more than I need."

Ben's face brightened. "I think that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me, Ray."

"Sweet?"

"Romantic, endearing, loving, delightful --"

Ray laughed and pushed Ben away playfully. "I get the picture. God, you're mushy for a Mountie. Get to work before you're late."

"I'll fix you something for breakfast first."

"I can do that later. I'm still a little tired. Thought I'd sleep some more when you leave."

"Take your medicine first."

Ray rolled over and groaned into a pillow. "You're the bossiest man on the planet, you know that, right?"

Unperturbed, Ben proceeded to fetch Ray all his pills, the cough syrup, and the inhaler. Closing his eyes, Ray took a long breath, hoping like hell that Ben didn't have to do that for the rest of their lives if Ray ended up sicker. He pushed the gloomy thoughts away and sat up, determined to get better. By the time Ben got home, he'd be up and at 'em, making the best of the time off. He might even be up to something more than a few kisses to brighten Ben's lunch break. Nothing like a little quickie to put a spring in the Mountie's step.

++++++++++

A stubborn and deliberate pounding at his door woke Ray from a deep sleep, but still didn't get him out of bed. Groggy, he checked out the blurry bedside clock that read eleven thirty. Ben had a key, so it couldn't be him, unless he'd lost his key, which would never, ever happen, not with Fraser. Ray cleared his throat a few times and eased himself carefully into a sitting position. He worked hard to avoid coughing, his chest still really sore from the last few days.

Slowly, he got up and pulled on his sweatpants, his muscles complaining every bit of the way. Dief trotted along beside him as Ray made it to the door. He jerked it open and snapped, "What?" Before the visitor had a chance to answer, Ray swallowed his shock. "Stella?"

"Hi, Ray. May I come in?"

"You sure you want to? I'm sick."

"I know you're sick. I talked to Lt. Welsh." She paused and asked again. "May I come in, just for a minute? I promise I won't stay long."

"Sure." Ray stepped back and pulled the door open wider. She stepped in, checking out Ray, but keeping a wary eye on Diefenbacker.

"What's Fraser's wolf doing here?"

Ray fought down the urge to tell his ex-wife to mind her own damn business. Instead, he kept it simple. "Babysitting." He motioned to the sofa. "Have a seat. You want something to drink? I can make coffee or there's some ginger ale."

Stella didn't take off her coat or move to sit down. "I'm not staying long. I just wanted to see how you were."

Ray held out both arms to show himself off. "Here I am. You've seen me. Anything else you need, Stella?"

"Don't be an asshole, Ray. I'm worried about you."

"Join the club." When she didn't have a comeback and actually looked hurt, Ray's initial hostility faded. "Look, I'm okay. I've got bronchitis and maybe a touch of flu or something. I'm on a boatload of medicine, so I'm better. Nothing to worry about, honest."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, yeah, Dr. Lang and Fraser, they're taking good care of me."

"I'm sure they are, but I was thinking about the other thing, the HIV test. When will you hear?"

Instead of answering right away, Ray walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. He grabbed himself a ginger ale and then got a glass from the cupboard. He poured the drink and sat down at the kitchen table. After a few moments, Stella relented and sat down across from him. Finally, Ray looked up and met her worried stare. "I don't get the results back until Monday. I've got to go back to get cleared for duty anyway, so I'll know then."

"What will you do?"

"About what?"

"If you're positive, what will you do?"

The stress strained her voice, made it tight and edgy. She'd had the same tone when she'd told him about the divorce, how she wanted out, needed space, so long, Stanley. Somehow the memory of that irritated him more than her asking him about something that she no longer had a right to ask about. "I'll worry about that if it happens."

"You're not afraid?"

"Of course, I'm afraid. I'm not stupid, Stella. I know it'll mean a lot of changes, but I'm not going to drive myself batshit over something I can't control. Speaking of going crazy, I don't want you telling my mum about this."

"I didn't."

"And you won't. Promise me, Stella. I don't want her to know until there's something to know, and even then, I'm not sure I'm going to tell her."

Stella didn't promise right away. She took her time and considered the whole thing carefully before she finally nodded. "I promise. If something happens and you want her to know, then you tell her."

Relieved, Ray took a drink of the ginger ale, his nerves more settled. Stella never failed to make him shaky. "So, anything else you need?"

"I hate the idea of you going through this alone."

Ray took another drink, his throat drier than a desert at high noon. He swallowed hard several times before he finally got the words out. "I'm not alone, Stell."

"Well, I know you have the wolf, but I was talking about someone going with you to the doctor's office."

"I've got somebody. Fraser's going with me. He took the test, too."

Stella's brow wrinkled as she processed that information. "I don't remember any report about Kuzma biting Fraser."

"He didn't."

"So why would Fraser need a test, too?"

Ray didn't answer, just waited for the wheels to turn. When the answer clicked into place, Stella's face actually paled. "Are you telling me that you and Fraser are --"

"In love, intimate, doing it, sleeping together, head over heels, more than partners, on cloud nine, happy campers --"

"Shut up, Ray, I get the picture." The words came out sharp and tight, Stella's face no longer pale, but a deep pink. "Tell me you're not serious."

"Have I ever lied to you about my inclinations?"

"Your inclinations, as you put it, were when you were a teenager. You had a few adolescent, homoerotic fantasies, nothing more. You're a grown man now. Jesus, Ray, we were married for fifteen years. I should know if you're gay or not."

"Maybe so, but I'm with Ben now."

"Ben?" She shook her head, her voice getting more and more strained. "I don't fucking believe this. You're sleeping with the Mountie right under my nose? What is this, payback for Frank? Are you trying to make me jealous by fucking your partner?"

Ray gave a toothy grin and shook his head. Leave it to Stella to make what he had with Ben all about her. Then he saw the pain and hurt in her eyes. He didn't like causing that, never wanted to hurt someone he'd grown up with and still adored in some ways. He took a long, calming breath and instead of being angry, he came back with the truth. He spoke in a low whisper, hoping that she got it, really understood what he was saying. "I love him, Stella. He makes me happy."

All the fight went out of her. After a few moments, she finally nodded. "I should've seen it."

"Why's that?"

"The way you are with him, it reminds me of how you used to be with me when we were just kids, all excited and intense."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She paused before she added, "I really am glad you've got somebody. I just never expected it to be him."

"Me, neither."

Stella laughed, that cute little giggle she had when they got through fighting and realized it was so stupid to fuss about stuff that didn't really matter. "How long?"

"Since the boat."

"A little over a month then?"

"Yeah."

"So you really love him, huh?"

"I do."

"I'm glad. I hope it works out."

"We'll see. It's still early, but I've got a good feeling. We fit."

Stella stood up, pulling her navy blue coat closer together, like she was freezing. "Will you call me about the test?"

"You sure you want to know?"

"We might be divorced, but I still care about you, you big goof. Sure I want to know."

"Okay then, I'll call. But Stella..."

"What?"

"Even if it's negative, it's going to be at least a year before we're in the clear."

"I know that, and I expect a call every time you take the test. Got that?"

Shocked by her still taking an interest, Ray nodded. "Sure, okay."

Then she did something totally unexpected and unStella-like. She stepped closer and kissed him. Sure it was on the cheek, but it was still an honest-to-god kiss. In all the years they'd been married, she'd never once done that when he'd been sick. Now all of a sudden, she risked it. Go figure. He touched his cheek, wondering what the hell made the difference this time. "What's that for?"

"For luck." She patted his face lightly and then left, the door clicking shut behind her.

Ray stared at the door, then shook his head hard before glancing at Dief, who'd kept an eye on him through the whole bizarre conversation. "Hey, buddy, you ever seen that movie INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS?"

Dief yipped a few times and Ray nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I'll bet there's a Stella pod hiding in a basement somewhere, too."

++++++++

Stretched out on the sofa, an arm over his eyes, Ray heard the sound of the key in the lock. He didn't get up, but just waited.

"Ray, why aren't you in bed?"

"Had a visitor."

Ben sniffed a few times and then sighed. "Stella."

"Yeah." Ray lowered his arm and stared at Ben who stood at the end of the sofa. "How do you do that? She wasn't wearing any perfume or anything."

"Everyone has a distinctive scent, Ray."

"Yeah?"

"Yes." Instead of asking about why Stella came by, Ben moved to the kitchen and frowned when he saw the oatmeal, toast, and coffee he'd laid out, still untouched. "You didn't eat breakfast."

"I fell asleep. Besides, I wasn't really hungry."

Ben shook his head, but didn't complain. Instead, he just cleared the table and put the dishes in the sink. Ray got up and moved beside him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You seem, I don't know, pissed off. Is it about Stella dropping by?"

"I don't care if she visits, Ray. This is your apartment. You can entertain whomever you please."

Whoa. The sharp tone didn't match the words one bit. Ray stepped back a little and then put his hand on Ben's arm. "Stop. Sit down a minute and rest."

"I want to fix your lunch and take Diefenbaker out. I only have about thirty minutes before I have to be back."

"How come? Ice Queen give you a hard time for taking off?"

Ben heaved a bigger sigh than before and turned around to face Ray. "You know, Ray, I don't like to speak ill of my superior officers, but that woman --"

"That woman what? What'd she do this time?"

Ben rubbed his forehead, his eyes all squinted like when he had a bad headache. He crossed his arms tightly around his chest and leaned back against the counter. "She reprimanded Turnbull for something that was entirely out of his control. Apparently, a Belgian diplomat called and wouldn't leave a message or a contact number. Turnbull's got no authority to force someone to leave a message should they choose not to do so."

"Of course not."

"Tell Inspector Thatcher that. She treated him quite shabbily. However, when I tried to amend the situation, she didn't appreciate what she referred to as my interference with her managerial style."

"Managerial style? Yeah, right, like kicking a guy like Turnbull in the nuts shows any style except being heavy-handed. So, she bit your head off, huh?"

"Actually, I think, if I'm coining your vernacular correctly, she tore me a new one, as it were."

"Wow, that's got to hurt. So what are you going to do about it?"

Ben stared at him a moment like he didn't understand the question. "What can I do about it, Ray? She's my commanding officer. It's her right to be as domineering or as obstinate as she chooses."

"It's not her right to be abusive, Ben."

"I don't think what she did would technically qualify as abusive, more like extremely unpleasant and ill-advised. Poor Turnbull was beside himself."

"She hurt his feelings?"

"You know Turnbull. His sensitivity works against him in relation to his interactions with Inspector Thatcher. I swear, Ray, sometimes I think she goes out of her way to hurt the man. Even if I detested a person, I would never treat anyone the way she treats Turnbull."

"Or you."

Ben shook his head, dismissing Ray's concern. "No, I don't worry about that so much. She's abrasive and difficult, but I've worked with much worse. It doesn't bother me the way it does Turnbull. The man's a nervous wreck, which only perpetuates and intensifies the problem."

"The more nervous he gets, the worse he fucks up, right? It only gives her more ammunition against him."

"Precisely."

"That explains a lot."

"At any rate, I didn't mean to come home and complain about my job, Ray. I wanted to see how you're doing. Your color's a bit improved."

"Thanks, but you didn't answer my question. What are you going to do about Thatcher and how she treats Turnbull?"

"I don't know if I can do anything other than act as a buffer whenever I can."

"That's too bad. A good leader shouldn't have to browbeat the subordinates."

"Subordinates?"

"Yeah, you know, the little guys, the peons, the underlings who do all the grunt work like you and me."

"I know what subordinate means, Ray. I just didn't realize that you knew that word."

"Ouch, like you're the only one who can read a dictionary." Ray smiled and cupped Ben's face. "Missed you."

Ben returned the grin and leaned in, kissing Ray gently. "I missed you, too, Ray. That said, I really do need to hurry. What would you like for lunch? There's some fresh turkey or roast beef from the deli. I could also heat up some soup if you like."

Still a bit queasy, Ray rubbed his belly and shook his head. "Don't really want a sandwich. Just soup will be fine. Why don't I heat it up while you take Dief for his walk? It'll be done when you get back. It'll save you some time so you can enjoy what you're eating."

"Are you sure?"

"I think I still remember how to heat soup, Ben."

"I didn't mean --"

"Never mind. Dief's crossing his paws. Better get a move on."

"As you wish."

Ben turned to leave, but stopped. "Are you really going to make me ask?"

"Ask what?"

"About Stella?"

"Thought you didn't care."

"Ray --"

"Take Dief out first. I'll tell you when you get back."

Nodding, Ben accepted the delay and signaled for Diefenbaker to follow him out the door. As Ray got a pan for the soup, he worried about how to tell his partner that his ex-wife knew the score about their relationship. He wasn't quite sure how Ben would react to being outed without talking about it first. Ben was big on that, talking and discussing things before he did things. Ray, on the other hand, just sort of shot from the hip. He just hoped he hadn't shot himself in the foot with this one.

++++++++++

Ray made it halfway through his soup before Ben cleared his throat and pushed the issue again. "You were going to tell me why Stella came by."

"I didn't expect her to show up. It took me off guard."

"I would think so. From what you've said, her appearance during your illness would be somewhat aberrant to her nature."

"Yeah, what you said. Anyway, she wanted to know how I was doing. The main thing is that she promised not to tell Mum about the thing with the test."

Ben nodded in approval and finished off his turkey sandwich. "That's good then. It saves you from having to call her."

"Yeah, yeah, it does." Ray put his spoon down, not sure how to say what came next other than to just jump in. "I think I might have messed up, though."

"Messed up how?"

"Don't get mad."

"Why would I get mad?"

"Because I did something I probably shouldn't have without asking first."

Frowning, Ben sat back and studied him a moment. "What exactly did you do?"

Ray lowered his gaze as he spoke softly. "I didn't mean for it to slip out, but Stella said she worried about me being alone. So I kind of spilled the beans and told her I wasn't alone, that I had you."

"I see."

"What do you see?"

"You told her about our relationship."

The tone didn't sound pissed, so Ray risked looking up again. Ben didn't seem the least bit upset. "It doesn't bother you that I told her without discussing it with you first?"

"I would've preferred it, but, frankly, I'm glad you did."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. So, how did she react to the news?"

Relieved by Ben's reaction, Ray relaxed and smiled. "She was shocked at first and a little pissed, but she got over it. She actually said she was glad I had someone. It felt good, you know? Like we were finally past all the stuff that happened before and could still be friends."

"I'm glad for that, Ray. I know how much she means to you."

"Yeah?"

"You were with her for over half your life, Ray. You're who you are partly because of your marriage to her. So, yes, I'm glad that there's less animosity between you now that you've gone on to a different relationship."

"Me, too. Thanks."

"For what?"

"For staying cool, for not getting bent out of shape because I told her, and for just understanding how it is with me and her. Not everybody would."

Fraser tugged at his ear and then crossed his arms. "I realize that my own insecurity might sometimes lend itself to my being jealous of Stella. However, those are my own issues, not yours. I trust you and your judgment. If you think it was wise to tell her, then I don't question that."

"You've got nothing to be insecure about when it comes to Stella and me. I love you."

"I know that, Ray, and I love you, too." Ben smiled and then stood up. He came around the table and kissed Ray on his temple before clearing the table. "Duty calls."

"Barks more like."

"Ray --"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. No disrespecting the Ice Queen."

"Actually, I was going to say, you need to take your medicine and go back to bed. I should be home by six."

Ray smirked, knowing that Ben had his own way of being snarky when he didn't approve of Thatcher. Standing up, Ray walked up behind Ben, wrapped his arms around his waist, and kissed the side of his neck. "I'll be waiting."

++++++++++++

Halfway through the afternoon, the phone rang. Ray turned on his side and fumbled with the receiver before he finally caught it and brought it to his ear. His voice croaked. "Yeah?"

"Vecchio, you sound like shit."

Ray sat up, suddenly more alert. "Dewey, what's going on?"

"Good question. The Lieutenant just called me into his office and asked about that whackjob Kuzma. Wanted me to write an amendment to my report about him trying to bite my hand off."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Any idea why that would matter after six weeks?"

Ray swung his legs over the side of the bed, coughing several times before he answered. "What'd Welsh say?"

"A lot of bullshit. Looked like he was having a hard time asking, too. He looked a lot better when I told him the bite only bruised and didn't break the skin."

Breathing a sigh of relief, Ray took a deep breath. "Good to know."

"Yeah? Look, Vecchio, I know we're not friends or partners or anything, but I'm not stupid. I'm a pretty good detective."

"Nobody's saying different."

"Then don't treat me like I'm some dumb schmuck, okay? I've got a friend who has a friend who has a cousin and the word is that Kuzma has AIDS. It doesn't take a genius to connect the dots right to your ear."

Eyes squeezed shut, Ray bit his lower lip. He didn't know how to play this, how much of a wild card or a dickhead Dewey might be about the situation. After a few seconds, he finally spoke. "So, what are you going to do with that?"

"Do?"

"Yeah, do. You going to make an issue of it or what?"

"You must really think I'm a prick if you think I'd do anything but say I'm sorry." Dewey hesitated before he added, "Look, if anybody hears anything about it, they won't hear it from me. I won't lie and pretend I like you, because you're a jerk sometimes, but you're a cop and a colleague. You don't deserve this shit. Nobody does."

"Thanks. I appreciate that."

"Anyway, just thought I'd take a load off your mind. Get your ass well and back here. I've got enough work to do without doing yours, too. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Good."

The phone clicked off and Ray stared at the receiver an extra second or two before he hung up. Dewey's reaction surprised the hell out of him. Of all the guys he worked with, he was the one person he thought might screw him. That didn't mean that when push came to shove, he still wouldn't, but for now things seemed okay.

Ray got back under the covers, his whole body aching and his head pounding right behind his eyeballs. He hadn't done shit all day and yet all he wanted to do was sleep another year or two. Dief jumped on the bed beside him and curled up. Ray found comfort in petting the wolf even though he knew Ben would have a real hissy fit. He hated all the fur on the sheets, but too bad. Ray closed his eyes again, too tired to even get up and go to the can.

++++++++++

While the eclipse shrouded the world in a blurry shadow, Ray struggled to squirm free, but only sank deeper into the shifting earth. Soil rained down from the sides of the grave as big clods rattled the coffin boards. Ray's arms wouldn't move, muddy ooze gripping his wrists, his fingers numb and frozen. Cold ground leached the warmth from his body, teasing his skin with an icy promise of slow death. Ray opened his mouth to scream, but nothing came out, not a word, not a sound. Buried alive, air turned to clay in his throat and lungs.

Jerking hard one last time, Ray bounced straight up in the bed, begging for a long breath, gasping between the coughs.

Strong arms grabbed around his shoulders and held him close. After a few minutes, Ray opened his eyes and finally managed to breathe again. He sagged against Ben, grateful for the warmth and the shushing sound of Ben's voice, his safety net against his own dreams.

"Ray, Ray, Ray, it's all right. Just breathe."

"Easy for you to say." The words came out weak and wheezy.

Ben patted his back and pulled away, frowning, studying him carefully. He pushed back the wet bangs from Ray's face. "You've got a fever."

"Nothing new. I've had one for a week now."

"I know, but I had hoped --"

"That it'd just go away? Yeah, me, too."

Ben kissed his cheek and hugged him again briefly. "You need to drink plenty of fluids and take your medicine."

"I thought I just did that."

"At lunch, yes. It's after eight now."

"Eight? Shit." Ray sagged back against the pillow, his chest still achy and sore. He kept his eyes closed against the low light of the lamp on the bedside table. "How long have you been here?"

"Since six. You were sleeping so soundly, I didn't want to wake you."

"Wish you had."

"Fever dreams can be quite disturbing."

"Oh, yeah." Ray swallowed several times, careful not to breathe too deeply so he didn't set off another round of coughing.

Ben sat on the edge of the bed, his hand gently stroking Ray's hair as he spoke quietly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"It might help."

"I don't know, maybe. Remember Marcus Ellery?"

"He'd be hard to forget."

Still shaking from the aftermath of the nightmare, Ray shared his fear. "I was in the grave again, only this time the eclipse didn't end and I couldn't get out. I was being buried alive, couldn't breathe, couldn't even scream for help. You weren't there to pull me out."

Ben's hand stalled on his forehead and then moved to caress his cheek. "I'll always be here, Ray."

Capturing the hand at his face, Ray pulled it down and kissed the palm. "I know. It was just a stupid dream, that's all."

"Our dreams often reflect our deepest concerns."

"Yeah, well, I do kind of feel like I'm being buried alive here, I guess. Being sick, having to wait around for the test to come back, it's a little like the grave's taking me before I'm ready to go."

Ben shook his head, the worry lines in his forehead even deeper. "You're not dying, Ray."

"I know that, I do. It's just a stupid dream, just like it's stupid to get this bent out of shape over this shit when I know every day on the job I could catch a bullet. It's just that I've always figured if I went, I'd go fast, not have to worry about it ahead of time, you know? I guess, I don't want to see it coming, that's all."

"I find this conversation increasingly more distressing."

"Yeah, me, too."

"Let me get you something to drink and your medicines. You should eat something as well."

"I'm not hungry, but I do have to go to the can."

"You have to eat, Ray."

"I have to pee first."

Ben stood up and held out a hand to help him sit up. The world spun a few times before it settled. Still shaky and weak, Ray got up slowly and didn't complain as Ben followed close by in case he decided to trip or do something stupid like pass out.

Once in the bathroom, Ray waved him off. "I'll take it from here."

"Are you sure? You seem a bit unsteady."

"I'll call if I wobble too much."

"Please do."

As soon as Ben left, Ray shut the door and took care of business. He washed his hands and then splashed the cool water over his face. It helped take off the first layer of oil and sweat, but didn't do much for the whiskers. He rubbed his chin and shook his head. He could go another day or two if he had to, though he had to admit he looked pretty damn rough. Maybe in the morning, he'd feel more up to holding a razor to his throat, or maybe not. Maybe he'd go the Grizzly Adams route and see what the Mountie thought.

Ray came out of the bathroom and sat down on the sofa. "Hey, you think you'd be okay with a beard?"

Ben brought Ray a big glass of water and his meds. "You want me to grow a beard?"

"No, I was thinking I might grow a beard."

Smiling, Ben sat beside him and patted his leg. "I believe you've already got a good start."

"So, what do you think?"

Ben took Ray's chin and turned Ray's head right and then left, studying the whiskers closely. "Honestly?"

"I thought that was the only answer you ever gave."

"Well, sometimes one prevaricates a bit so that one doesn't hurt a person's feelings, especially if said person is someone one loves."

"So, you're saying you don't like the beard?"

Ben kissed his cheek and then rubbed his lips very gently against the stubble. "I'm saying I love you, Ray. You can grow the beard or not grow the beard. My love won't change."

"Okay, okay, I get it. You don't like the beard. I'll shave in the morning."

"I didn't say I didn't like it."

"No, you prevaricated and quibbled and stalled, all the same thing."

"I don't mind it, but I do appreciate your features so much more with just a hint of beard."

"A hint, huh?"

"Yes. I find it remarkably masculine."

Ray smiled and rubbed his own face again. "So, you like the shadow, but not the full treatment. You never said. How come?"

"The subject never came up before."

"Fair enough."

Once again, Ben pushed the medicines and the drink on the coffee table in Ray's direction.

"You need to take these. Perhaps by morning, the antibiotics will arrest your fever."

"Lock it up and throw away the key, too, if we're lucky."

"Metaphorically speaking, that sounds only fair."

Under Ben's watchful eye, Ray took all the pills, the cough syrup, and then used the inhaler. When he finished, Ben took the inhaler to the sink and rinsed it out carefully before putting the other medicines away. After that, he asked, "Would you like some juice or ginger ale?"

"Ginger ale sounds good. Thanks."

As soon as Ben brought him the drink, he sat down again. "I know you said you weren't hungry, but you really need to eat. If you don't want any more soup, why not just drink the broth? You need to keep your strength up, Ray, to get well."

"I know, but my stomach's kind of messed up. I don't want to add throwing up to the good times we're having here."

"And I greatly appreciate that effort, Ray, I do. However, that said, I really must insist you eat something."

"Insist, huh? Bossy much?"

"When it comes to your welfare, yes."

Ray couldn't keep from grinning at the earnest face, the way Ben got so serious sometimes. "Sure, okay, I get that. I could probably handle soup, maybe some crackers. A little bowl, nothing too much."

"A little bowl it is."

As Ben went to the kitchen to prepare the soup, Ray scratched his head, thinking he should probably shower soon. "What about you? Did you eat already?"

"I had a sandwich earlier. I didn't know when you'd wake."

"No reason you should starve just because I'm a slug."

"You're not a slug, Ray. Your medications make you sleepy. Your body needs rest to recover."

That was no lie. Just sitting there, drowsiness took over. Ray blinked a few times and then stretched out to watch Ben work in the kitchen. "I was kind of hoping for more than you watching me sleep tonight, but I guess that's a no go."

Ben turned, shaking his head in amusement. "Ray, you've got bronchitis. Dr. Lang specifically said no physical exertion until your lungs cleared."

"I know, but I was feeling better this morning, better than now. Anyway, what I'm saying is as soon as I'm well, I want you for more than a sleepover buddy who makes a hell of a nurse."

Ben smiled and nodded in agreement. "Understood."

+++++++++++

Thursday passed pretty much the same as Wednesday, lots of sleep and tender loving care, Mountie-style. However, Friday started slow and came to a dead stop around two. Ray sat on the sofa and sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair. Reluctantly, he reached for the phone. As much as he hated it, he needed to do this, set things in motion and get things in order. Even if he tested negative, this was the shove off the cliff, no more putting things off. He could die at any time and he needed to be ready, not leave a big mess behind for Ben to handle alone.

An hour later, he answered the knock at the door. "Hey, Griff. Thanks for coming over so fast. I appreciate it."

Short and stocky, the same age as Ray, Griff walked in and shook his head. "Jesus, Ray, you look as bad as you sounded on the phone. What's going on?"

"I've got bronchitis. No big deal."

"Then why all the urgency?"

"Just thought since I had time off, I should take care of unfinished business." Ray motioned to the sofa. "Take off your coat and have a seat. I've got coffee or there's some beer in the fridge."

Griff took off his wool coat and Ray hung it up in the closet while his friend settled. "It's a little early in the day for beer, but coffee sounds good. Black with one sugar."

After Ray poured them both coffee and added the sugar, he turned to see Griff staring wild-eyed at Dief, his hands folded tightly in his lap, his face frozen. Ray took pity on his friend, remembering how Griff never did like big dogs as a kid. "Hey, Dief, bedroom. Griff here doesn't like being stared at like he's a frosted doughnut, okay?" The wolf didn't react right away, but Ray got closer and repeated the command to leave the room. Reluctantly, Dief yipped and then took up a post just inside the bedroom door, keeping his lupine eyes on the stranger.

"What the fuck is that, Ray? It looks like a wolf."

"Half wolf, half dog, but he's really a pussy cat. Diefenbaker wouldn't hurt a fly unless he was a scumbag." Ray put the cups down and sat in the chair next to the sofa.

"A wolf? How the hell can you have a wolf in the city?"

"We've got a permit, don't worry. It's all legal. Besides, he's only half wolf."

Still unnerved, Griff shook himself a little and then shrugged. "Wow, a wolf. Go figure. You always were weird."

"Thanks. Same to ya."

Griff picked up his coffee and took a couple of sips. He dressed casually, but upscale, nothing cheap. He'd kept his thick brown, wavy hair and obviously worked out. Stocky or not, he still had muscles to spare just like when he was in high school, no flab in sight. Griff trained his brown eyes on Ray as he asked, "So, how have you been besides being sick? You still a cop? You still married to Stella?"

"Yes and no. Yes to the cop part, no to the Stella part. It didn't work out."

Shaking his head, Griff put his cup down. "Sorry to hear that. Still, you had a good run. Considering she was way out of your league to start with, that's not too bad."

"Fuck you, Krakus. You're just jealous that you never got a piece of what you really wanted."

His friend took the curse with a grin. "Damn right. You and me, Kowalski, we could've been something."

Ray remembered his own confusion back in high school, how Griff had come on to him when Ray only had eyes for Stella. Even though Ray turned him down flat, they remained friends. Griff always gave him grief about what he was missing. Right after the divorce, he'd thought seriously about taking Griff up on his offer, but never got around to it, never had the guts to see if the guy was still interested now that they were both in their thirties. Despite all that history, Ray still used Griff when he needed a good lawyer. "So, Griff, you seeing anybody now?"

"No, not lately. I go out all the time, but you know how it is. All the good ones are either straight or married."

"Yeah, I heard that."

"Yeah, well, playing the field's okay, too. You never get bored, but it's not like before."

"How so?"

"Well, you know, with AIDS and shit, you can't be too careful."

Ray paled, but kept his voice neutral. "Yeah, I get that. So, tell me what I need to do to update my will. I want to change beneficiaries for all my stuff, my life insurance and retirement benefits. Plus, I want to name who I want to make any medical decisions, you know, just in case something has to be done if I got hurt or sick or something."

"You mean like a Health Care Power of Attorney?"

"Yeah, I had Stella on everything before, but now I want someone else. So, what do I have to do to change that?"

"It's not difficult. For the insurance policies or benefits, you've got to ask for forms to change your beneficiary. You'd do that through your personnel department and insurance companies. You can just call or write and they'll send you new forms. You've already got a Living Will, so that can stay the same or you can change it, too. I can draw up a new Financial Power of Attorney in case you become ill or incapacitated. For all your other property, you just have to give me the person's name, some personal info, and social security number so I can change your present will and estate plan to represent your current wishes. You should also designate an executor."

"He's Canadian, so I don't think he's got a social security number, but I can get his national ID or something."

Griff sat still for a moment, his eyes a little wider. He finally spoke. "He's Canadian?"

"What? You've got something against Canadians?"

"I've got nothing against Canadians, Ray, except for that time they won the World Series."

"Two times."

"Which I'm willing to forgive. Look, what are you saying? Is this guy a friend or something more than that?"

"More than that. He's my partner both on and off the job. I want to make sure he's taken care of if something happens to me and I want to be sure that he's the one who can decide what to do if I get shot or sick. I don't want Stella or my parents to have a say over what he wants. So, what do I have to do to make sure that he's protected?"

Griff shook his head, still in shock. "I can't believe this. After all this time, you finally come out of the closet and it's for a Canadian instead of your best friend from high school? That sucks."

"Sorry."

"You should be."

"So, what about the will thing?"

"I can draw up new papers. Have you by any chance officially declared him your domestic partner with the city?"

"It's a little complicated. I'm undercover."

"Undercover?"

"Yeah, you're my lawyer, so whatever I say is protected, right?"

"Sure, Ray, you know that."

"Well, I'm under as a cop named Ray Vecchio who's busy working for the Feds. Until this whole assignment wraps, I can't claim Ben as my partner, not officially. Even when it's over, though, I'm not sure if I'm ready to come out on the force."

Griff leaned forward, his face more serious. "We've got support now, Ray. Legally, they can't discriminate."

"You and I both know that's bullshit, Griff. People haven't changed that much since we were growing up and that goes double with cops. Some of the guys I know, they make our dads look downright sensitive."

"That bad, huh?"

Ray wet his dry lips and reached for his coffee. Already cold, he drank it anyway. He needed to clear his head and the caffeine fought off the fuzziness. "Yeah. I'm not saying there wouldn't be a few who might understand and be supportive, but for the most part, that's not the case. I need to keep this private, at least for now."

"Sure, sure, not a problem." Griff sat back and put his arm across the back of the sofa. "So, who is he? What's his name?"

"Constable Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police."

"You're kidding, right? He's a Mountie?"

"Good looking, too."

"Like I had any doubts about that."

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"It means you always went for the lookers."

Ray shook his head, determined to make Griff understand about him and Ben. "It's not about that with Fraser. He's stubborn and annoying, thinks he's always right, which he usually is, but don't tell him I said that. He's also bossy as hell and a real pain in the ass."

"Well, I can see why you'd fall for a guy like that."

"No, I mean, that's not it. He's all that, but he's also smart and loyal, loving, sexy as hell, and most of all, he loves me as much as I love him." Ray leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, and his hands fisted together. "We almost killed each other before we finally admitted what was really going on between us, but once we did, well, it's like nothing I've ever had before."

"Not even with Stella?"

"Nope, not even with her." Ray lifted his head. "And I'm not just talking about the sex, Griff. Ben gets me. That ain't easy because sometimes I don't even get me."

"So, you really love the guy, huh?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Good, that's great. I'm happy for you." Griff rubbed his hands together and then nodded with enthusiasm. "Okay, then, I'll tell you what. I'll write up those papers tonight. However, you need to come to the office to sign them because we need witnesses. I've got secretaries that can take care of that. Are you still going to be off work Monday?"

"Yeah. I go back to the doctor to get cleared for duty."

"Good, good. That'll give me time to get everything done right. I want this shit tight so nobody, not even the Assistant State's Attorney Stella Kowalski, can find any loopholes."

"Better make it damn tight, then."

"I will, don't worry. I'm good at my job. I'll get on it right away." Griff stood up, but instead of putting out his hand to shake, he leaned in and gave Ray a quick hug. "I still love you, Ray. I'm happy for you, honest."

"Thanks."

As Ray started to rise, Griff held up a hand. "Don't get up. I'll get my coat and head out. You go back to bed and get some rest. Hope you feel better soon."

"Appreciate it." Ray cleared his throat, working hard to find the right words for his friend. "Griff?"

"What?"

"I love you, too, you know? I mean, I never said it when we were kids, but I did. It just wasn't the way you wanted. I was all about Stella back then. I'm sorry."

"I know. You've got nothing to be sorry about. You were always straight with me, pardon the pun. You never led me on or put me down for what I was. You've got no idea how important that was to me back then. Even now, I sometimes wonder what I might've done if you hadn't been there to keep me from jumping into the lake when my dad kicked me around and out on my ass. It was a tough time, but you got me through it. I'll never forget that."

Ray recalled the curses and the blows his friend suffered from his old man, a father not unlike his own. "Your dad was an asshole."

"Yeah, yeah, he was and still is. Anyway, take it easy. Call me Monday morning for a time to come in."

"I will. Later."

"Later. I'll let myself out."

Then Griff walked out, leaving an achy wave of nostalgia behind him. Ray didn't want to think about the past, how stupid he'd been, or how young. Sitting there alone in the apartment, his body bitching all over, fatigue made him wish that he hadn't wasted so much time finding out what he really needed in his life. Now that he had Ben, he didn't want to waste another minute by being stupid.

Ray took a deep breath before he got up to go shower and get cleaned up for Ben's return from work.

+++++++++

Stretched out on the sofa, all showered and with just a hint of beard, Ray smiled when Ben walked in. He took a deep breath without coughing for the first time in ages. "Hey, how was your day?"

"It was fine. Inspector Thatcher was called away for a meeting in Toronto so things were peaceful. She won't be back until Tuesday."

"Bet Turnbull's on cloud nine."

"He certainly seems to appreciate being left on his own at the front desk, yes."

"He's not on his own. He's got you to watch his back."

"True enough." Ben took off his hat, but kept his coat on. He rubbed Diefenbaker's fur as he studied Ray. "You look much improved since lunch."

"I feel better. Dief and I walked around the block already, so he's cool. Take off your coat and stay a while, like all night maybe."

"You went out on your own?"

"I wasn't alone. I had Dief." Before Ben managed to argue and ruin the good mood, Ray explained. "I needed the fresh air and to stretch my legs. It felt good to breathe though my nose for a change. I was beginning to feel like Eddie Paretsky."

"Eddie Paretsky?"

"Yeah, he was this mouth-breather I used to know when I was a kid. Had bad allergies and asthma so he always walked around with his mouth hanging open and his nose all red."

Ben smiled at the description, but made no comment about how funny Ray looked walking around the same way. "You do sound a lot better."

"See."

"Still, I wish you had waited for me."

"Thought about it, but Dief wanted to go, so we went. No harm done."

"You're sure? You're not too tired?"

"You worry too much."

"Perhaps, but it's my nature."

"True." Ray motioned toward Ben's coat again. "Take it off and get comfortable. For once you don't have to wait on me. I ordered us some pizza. Is that okay?"

"The nausea's gone?"

"Pretty much, yeah. This should be a good test to see if I'm really on the mend."

"Then pizza's fine. In fact, I'm rather hungry."

"Good, because it should be here in a few minutes. Why don't you go clean up and I'll make you some tea?"

Ben gave a long sigh of relief. "I'm so happy you're better, Ray. It seemed to take a long time for the antibiotics to become effective."

"I let it go too long, that's all. I'm tired, but I'm better now that all the medicine's kicking in."

"That's good to know." Ben didn't get up, just sat there running his tongue over his lower lip.

"What's wrong?"

"It's just that when I came in, there was a scent I didn't recognize. Did you have a visitor this afternoon?"

"You're as bad as the wolf, always sniffing."

"Again, it's my nature, Ray. I can't help that my senses are more highly developed than most."

"Bat ears, wolf nose. We're not even going to talk about what you put in your mouth."

Ben pinked up a little, but his lips pursed in amusement. "If I'm not mistaken, you've seemed quite pleased on several occasions about what I put in my mouth, Ray."

It was Ray's turn to blush, so he did, but he smiled with appreciation at the same time. "I'm not complaining. You've got a talented mouth, that's a fact."

His face still hot, Ray leaned in and captured Ben's lips, his tongue teasing and saying hello. When he pulled back, Ben stared at him, his eyes darker than before. "I've missed you, Ray. I'm glad you're better."

"You can show me just how much you missed me after we eat, okay?"

"Are you sure you're up to it? Dr. Lang said --"

Ray put a finger to Ben's lips to silence him. "I might not be up to a full-fledged all-nighter, but I'm pretty sure we can have a good time."

Ben hooked the back of Ray's neck and drew him closer, kissing him softly and lovingly. When he finished, he rested his forehead against Ray's. "Distractions aside, you still haven't told me about your visitor."

Ray laughed, figuring he should've known full well a few kisses wouldn't get Ben off the track once he got curious. Sitting back, Ray measured his words. He didn't want to freak Ben out, so he needed to handle the whole thing just right. "An old friend came over, Griff Krakus. We went to high school together."

"He just dropped by to visit unannounced?"

"Not exactly. I called him. I hadn't seen him in a while, so I thought we should catch up."

"And?"

"And what?"

"What aren't you telling me, Ray?"

"What makes you think I'm not telling you something?"

"Body language."

Ray frowned. "Body language? What kind of body language?"

"Your legs and arms are both crossed. You're avoiding my direct gaze. In addition, your voice is more strained, like it is when you don't want to tell me Diefenbaker has had more than his share of doughnuts and hotdogs."

Ray uncrossed his arms and legs and then shook his head in amazement. "Damn, you're good."

"It is, after all, what we both do for a living, Ray."

Scrubbing his face with both hands, Ray realized that the topic was harder to talk about than he thought it would be. Still, Ben had a right to know the whole story. "Look, it's no big deal, but Griff's my lawyer."

"Your lawyer?"

"Yeah. He made up my will and my estate plan when I was married to Stella. I just figured it was time for an update."

Ben went very still, his face slightly paler. Finally, he cleared his throat. "I see."

"Yeah?"

"Ray, I understand that it's important to get your affairs in order. In our profession, it's only reasonable to do so."

"So, it doesn't freak you out or make you uneasy to talk about that stuff?"

"I don't find it pleasant, no, but it's something that one must consider. It does, however, surprise me that you've been practical enough to have a will already in place."

"I'm a cop. It's pretty standard. I mean, I've seen what happens when a cop gets killed and there's nothing but hassle for the widow because he didn't make a will. It's even worse if you get shot and hang around, you know, not dead but not really living. A lot of bad stuff can happen, hard feelings between the spouse and the in-laws about what should happen next. Anyway, I've got a living will and I want you to have my health care power of attorney. If something bad like that should happen, I want you to do whatever has to be done. No fighting with my folks or Stella. Griff says he can do that."

Ben didn't speak right away, just stared at Ray, his eyes a bit misty. Ray reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "I love you, Ben, and I trust you. If you think there's no hope, you can decide to pull the plug, okay? I know you're strong enough to do that. I trust you."

Instead of protest, Ben simply nodded. He cleared his throat several times before he finally whispered, "Thank you, Ray. I won't fail you."

"I know that."

"By the same token, I wish you to do the same. I've already named you as my beneficiary for my retirement and death benefits should anything happen to me."

Ray's eyes widened. "You did? When?"

"About a week after you told me you loved me. It took that long to process the forms."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"Probably for the same reason you apparently didn't want to tell me about your plans. It's not an easy topic for discussion. I know how skittish you are about the subject."

Ray caressed Ben's face and shook his head in amazement. "You floor me, you know that? You just blow me away sometimes."

"How so?"

"You're so sure, so matter-of-fact, so clear in your own head about what this is between us."

"And you're not?"

"I am, but not like you. You've got this vision, this clarity about what we have that I wish I had all the time. I get glimpses, but not the whole picture in living color. I know I love you, but I'm not always sure how to show it."

Ben ran the back of his hand up the side of Ray's face. "You show it superbly, Ray. I'm never in any doubt about your feelings for me. I hope you never doubt how I feel about you."

"I don't doubt your love. I just don't always believe I deserve it or that I'm this damn lucky."

Gripping Ray's face with both his hands, Ben kissed him and then whispered, "You deserve it and I'm the lucky one, Ray, something I thought I would never be when it came to love. You've changed all that."

Ray kissed him back, but before he had a chance to stand up and drag Ben off to the bedroom, the doorbell rang. A knock followed along with Sandor's voice. "Pizza!"

"Damn."

Ben ran his fingers through Ray's soft, unspiked hair. "We'll finish this discussion after we eat."

Ray grinned widely. "You call what we're doing discussing?"

"Of a kind, yes."

Chuckling, Ray got up and reached for the money he had laid out on the table. "Maybe, but I've got better ideas about what to do with that mouth of yours and it's got nothing to do with discussion."

By the time Ray opened the door, all Sandor saw was just the flash of the red serge as Ben headed off to the bedroom to strip down to something more comfortable.

+++++++++++

Ray lay on his side, his knees pulled up, the blanket up around his neck. Ben spooned in behind him, his voice soft and earnest. "Ray, you've been sick. It's not uncommon for this sort of thing to happen."

"It's never happened before."

"True, but --"

"It ever happen to you, you know, not staying hard like that?"

"Well, no, but that's not important. What is important is that I love you and this is just a temporary development. Once you're rested and fully mended, I'm sure it won't be a problem."

Ray squeezed his eyes shut, his chest heavy with humiliation. "How can you be so sure? I mean, you don't know that. Maybe this is just a way for my body to tell me something's wrong."

Ben's arm came around his middle and pulled Ray back against him, the hug reassuring. "What's wrong is your body needs more rest. Certainly, you're much improved, but I believe our lovemaking might have been a bit premature."

"Not for you."

Ben kissed Ray's shoulder in two places. "I haven't been ill."

"It still sucks."

Resting his chin on the crook of Ray's neck, Ben spoke quietly. "That it does." He hesitated before he asked, "Ray, is it possible that your impotence might also have a psychological component?"

"Huh?"

"You lost your erection when I put on the condom to perform fellatio. Is it possible that my doing so reminded you of your exposure and, thus, led to your loss of arousal?"

Ray didn't answer right away as he processed the words. The thought of Ben doing that, when he never had before, scared him more than he wanted to admit. Using the condom for a blowjob just reminded him all too clearly that it wasn't safe anymore, might never be again. Finally, he shrugged. "Maybe. I mean, I have to admit I thought about that when you slipped it on."

"So it's possible that once you realize it's perfectly safe using a condom, that the problem won't happen again."

"Fuck, I sure as hell hope so."

Ben licked and kissed the outside of Ray's ear, taking his time to make it good for Ray. "Would you like to try again?"

Ray shook his head and sighed in disappointment, knowing he didn't want to risk mortification again so soon. "Thanks, but not tonight. Tomorrow maybe."

Rolling Ray on his back, Ben cupped his face and kissed him several times before settling down beside him. He snuggled in close, his body like Ray's own blast furnace. "As you wish, Ray."

After a few minutes of quiet, Ben's breathing evened out like it did right before he dropped off to sleep. Still uneasy and unsettled, Ray nudged his partner to talk about something else he'd been thinking about a lot. "Ben?"

"Yes, Ray?" The words came out a little thick and sleepy.

"I've been thinking."

"About?"

"About you moving in. I mean, you practically live here anyway. Why not just bring your stuff over and make it official?"

Suddenly fully awake, Ben's breath hitched as he lifted his head. "Are you sure?"

Smiling, Ray combed his fingers through Ben's hair, something he loved to do, wanted to do forever. "I put you in my will. That's pretty damn sure."

"Yes, yes, it is."

"So, what do you say? I can clear out a few drawers and make room in the closet. You want to get your stuff sometime this weekend?"

Ben grinned and then leaned in for a kiss. When he pulled back, he nodded. "I'd like that, Ray."

"Yeah?"

"Very much so."

"Good, great, that's what we'll do tomorrow then. It's Saturday, so we don't have to worry about Nosy Parkers who might want to butt in to our business."

Ben settled back down, resting next to Ray. "People will make their own assumptions, Ray."

"Let them think whatever they want. I don't care."

"You're sure?"

"If the bigwigs think it's bad for the cover, too bad."

"You think they'll say something?"

"Shouldn't, but you never know. We should be prepared. You want to go with a cover story or tell the truth?"

"I've always preferred the truth whenever possible. I don't think our living arrangements should be anyone's business but our own."

"I agree, but you really didn't answer the question. You willing to let people know we're doing more than living together?"

"I'd be proud to let people know, Ray. I've got no problem with the arrangement."

"Not even if people give you grief because you're hooked up with a Polish flatfoot with experimental hair who's masquerading as an Italian style pig?"

"I don't really care what people think. Ray, I really wish you wouldn't refer to Ray as a style pig. He'd be offended."

"And he won't be when he comes back and finds out he's been shacking up with a Mountie?"

"Oh, dear."

Ray pulled Ben into a hug as they settled down side-by-side under the covers. "Exactly. See, no matter what someone throws at you, there's always something worse."

"That's a rather cynical view."

"Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me Vecchio's not going to want to knock my block off when he gets home and finds out everybody thinks he's gay."

"Ray's not a bigot."

"You still didn't tell me I'm wrong."

Ben took two very long and deep breaths before he finally spoke. "He won't be happy with either of us, but not for the reason you think."

"What are you saying? Are you saying Vecchio's really gay or something?"

"Or something."

Ray turned on his side and stared at Ben, waiting for an explanation. When none came, he pushed harder. "What's the or something we're talking about here?"

"It's not really my place to say."

"Come on, come on. I'm supposed to be the guy. What is it you're trying not to say?"

Reluctantly, Ben turned on his side to face Ray. "It's nothing risqu or untoward. It's just that I never told him of my proclivities."

"Proclivities? You mean like how dynamite you are in bed?"

Even in the low light, Ben's face pinked up. "Thank you kindly, Ray, but that's not exactly what I meant. I was suggesting that Ray might be upset that I kept my orientation a secret. He considers himself my best friend, and before you, he was."

Ray nodded in understanding. "I get that. I do. He's going to think you were ashamed and hiding it or something. That's not buddies."

"And he also prides himself in being a good detective, which he is. He'll be upset that he didn't see what he'd refer to as the signs."

"The signs? Oh, you mean, like how you like uniforms and you being so prissy and stuff?"

"Prissy and stuff?"

"Yeah, you know, particular and polite."

Ben snorted, but kept his smile. "Are you saying that my wearing a uniform and being polite is some sort of secret code for homosexuality?"

"You mean it's not? Damn."

"Very amusing. However, stereotypes aside, he'll be irritated with you because you knew before he did."

"Uh huh. Okay, I get that, too. I guess, as long as he doesn't wrap me in plastic and stuff me in a wall, I'm cool with that.

"Ray never did those things to Guy Rankin. You know that."

"Sure, I know that now, but I didn't know it like you did. I didn't have faith in him the whole time, watching his back even when he's not here."

"He was my partner."

Ray scooted in closer, his eyes shut as he rested his head on Ben's chest. Sleep took on an whole new meaning when he got to use a Mountie for a pillow. "Too bad. You snooze, you lose. Finders keepers, losers weepers. He dropped out of the picture and you're mine now."

"Without question."

+++++++++++

"This is all there is, a box and a duffle bag?"

"Well, as you well know, Ray, my apartment burned several months ago, destroying most of my worldly possessions. So, when I moved in here, I just never saw the need to purchase anything more."

"You didn't, huh?"

"No. In fact, in some ways it's rather freeing not to have to worry about such things as pots and pans and the like."

Ray picked up the box and left the duffle for Ben. He scanned the room one more time. "Want to check the closet before we head out?"

Ben's face clouded. "Not really."

"What?"

"What what?"

"What's that look for?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Ray. To what look are you referring?"

Frowning, Ray shook his head, a little frustrated. "Don't give me that. You know what look, that I'm hiding something look. What's in the closet? Is there something you don't want me to see?"

His expression tighter, Ben straightened and stood in front of the closet like a guard. "You saw in the closet earlier when I packed the blankets."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"No, I didn't. I was rounding up the teapot in the kitchen." Ray stepped closer, trying to keep it playful, but suddenly very curious about what Ben might be hiding.

Ben refused to move out the way and caught Ray's wrist as he reached for the knob. "Ray, let's just go. Since you're feeling so much better, we can eat at Mazonni's, my treat."

Ray's snoop meter went off the charts. "Okay, what's up with the closet, Ben? Seriously, what's in there you don't want me to see?"

"It's just a closet, Ray."

"Then there's no problem with me looking inside, right?"

Ben held his gaze for about ten seconds longer than usual and then licked his lower lip. "Of course not. There's no problem." Reluctantly, Ben stepped aside.

Still frowning, Ray opened the door and saw a typical closet, a shelf and some empty hangers. "Okay, it's a closet. Big deal."

Relieved, Ben took a deep breath. "That's what I said it was."

"I know, but the way you said it made me think you were hiding something."

"What would I be hiding?"

Ray ran a hand through his hair and grinned sheepishly. "Beats me. I just got this feeling that there was something you weren't telling me. Stupid, I know." Ray didn't wait for an answer, but motioned to the door. "Come on. That invitation for Mazonni's still open?"

Ben didn't move, his face suddenly solemn. He tugged at his ear and put the bag down. He pulled at the collar of his shirt and cleared his throat. "Ray, I don't want to keep anything from you."

"Yeah, I know that."

"However, what I'm about to say might very well lead you to think I'm unhinged, that I've got a hole in my bag of marbles, that the elevator doesn't quite go to the top floor, as it were."

"Too late."

"I'm serious."

Ray's eyes narrowed as he studied his lover's grim features. He put the box down and leaned his butt against the edge of the desk, his arms folded. "Okay, you've got my attention. What's up with the closet?"

"Do you believe in ghosts?"

A chill went up Ray's spine. This wasn't a joke, not some laughing matter to pull Ray's leg. Ben didn't mess around like that. "I don't know. Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"Well, who am I to say they don't exist? Never met one, but that doesn't mean anything. What about you? Do you believe in ghosts?"

Ben pinched the bridge of his nose, the words obviously difficult. "Actually, I never discounted the possibility. What happens in the afterlife has been the subject of countless religious and literary endeavors throughout the world. It seems to be a rather universal concept that ghosts might exist. It's only been recently with the rise in the logical approaches to science that the belief in the spirit world has been reduced to the realm of superstition and myth."

"Uh huh, right. So are we going to get to what this has to do with your closet anytime soon?"

Standing straighter, steeling himself, Ben nodded. "Sometimes when I least expect it, I see my father's ghost."

Ray sat there kind of numb, not quite sure what to say. He knew how much Ben's father meant to him, how he'd shaped his life after Fraser Senior, his hero. He also knew Ben suffered exile from the country he worshipped when Ben fingered the fellow officers who'd killed his old man. Ray just never realized how that must have affected his partner's thinking. "Your father's ghost as in his ghost ghost?"

"Yes, Ray, his spirit, his form, his specter."

"And are you saying your dad's ghost lives in the closet?"

"To a certain degree, yes. He's not restricted to the closet, but he keeps his office there."

"His office? Why the hell does he need an office? He's dead."

Ben snorted, finally smiling a little. "Funny. I asked him the same question."

"And what'd he say?"

"Memoirs and taxes."

"They make you pay taxes after you're dead?"

"Apparently. To hear my father tell it, in many ways the afterlife isn't much different from this life."

"That's disappointing."

"In some ways, yes."

"But wow."

"Wow, indeed."

Ray nodded again, trying to figure how it was that he knew with all his heart that Ben not only believed what he was saying, but that it was true. If anyone could see a ghost, it'd be Ben. Thinking back over the time he'd known him, Ray realized there were a lot of times Ben seemed to be talking to himself or saying stuff that didn't fit with their conversation, almost like there was a third person in the mix. Suddenly, Ray got a bit miffed. "Okay, okay, tell me something. Your old man, is he here right now?"

"No."

"But he's around sometimes when it's just us, right? You talk to him even though I can't see him."

Ben nodded with a shrug as he confessed. "Yes. Unfortunately, he tends to pop up at some very inopportune times. It can be very disconcerting and intrusive."

"But not when we've been, you know, doing it or anything, right?"

Blushing, Ben shook his head. "God, no."

"Good to know. That first day we met, you were talking to him instead of me sometimes. Fuck, no wonder half of what you said made no sense."

"You believe me?"

"I don't see why not. From what you've told me, it'd be just like your old man to pop in to mess with your head."

Relaxed again, Ben stepped closer. "You don't know what this means to me, Ray, sharing this. I swear, the first time I saw him, I thought I was losing my mind."

"So this has been going on for a while then, not just since I came along?"

"He's been making an appearance almost from the beginning, from when I first came to Chicago."

"Did you ever tell Vecchio?"

Ben reached over and took Ray's hand. "No. You're the first person I've ever told other than my father's partner, Buck Frobisher. He apparently can see my father as well."

"He can?"

"Yes. In a way, that was what convinced me I wasn't totally mad."

Ray squeezed his hand and grinned. "Not totally anyway."

"Thank you for understanding."

"Not a problem. So, what's your dad think about us?"

Ben shook his head. "He hasn't said. I think he's avoiding the subject."

"But he hasn't tried to talk you out of it or anything though, right?"

"No. He knows full well that would be a futile endeavor."

"It would, huh?"

"It would, indeed. I'd never give you up, Ray."

"Not even for a ghost?"

"Especially for a ghost."

Ray laughed and stood up, shaking his head. Of all the things he expected to discuss with Ben, the spirit of his dead father wasn't one of them. "Okay, well, let's hit the road. I'm breathing almost free and clear again and that means one thing."

"What's that, Ray?"

"I'm hungry. We eat first and then go back to the apartment for dessert."

Ben picked up both the duffle bag and box as he hurried Ray out the door, a big grin on his face.

++++++++++

Ray lay stretched out on his back, Ben licking a trail down his belly. Moaning, begging for more, Ray writhed, his hands gripping the sheets. He was so fucking hard, he couldn't see straight, could've cared less if he ever saw straight again. Ben flicked his tongue into Ray's navel and Ray arched up off the bed. "Jesus, Ben, do me, do me now."

Ben lifted his head, his lips and mouth all red and puffy. "Are you sure?"

Without answering, Ray did a quick flop over onto his stomach and pushed his ass in the air. Then he repeated his plea like a chant. "Do me, do me, do me."

Chuckling to himself, Ben kissed Ray's left buttock and then slapped it playfully. "I'll take that as a yes."

"God, I hope so." Breathless and dizzy, Ray's head spun around. His cock and balls ached from being so turned on and Ray wallowed in the overwhelming sensations. His dick didn't wilt this time and he wanted to celebrate, wanted to get off, the sooner the better while it lasted.

The mattress dipped as Ben reached over to the side table, grabbing the condom and the KY jelly. Ray squeezed his eyes shut and he listened to the cap flip open. Kneeling behind Ray, Ben warmed the gel first before he eased a slippery finger into Ray's ass. Ray shoved back and Ben read his impatience quickly, adding another finger and then another. If Ben kept finger-fucking him like that for much longer, the show would be over before it got started. "Hurry."

Not wasting any time, Ben slipped on the condom. He steadied Ray with one hand on his hip before Ben pressed the tip of his cock into him. Even with preparation, Ray stayed pretty tight, so Ben thrust only an inch or two in at a time before pulling back out.

Ray never said a word, just kept his eyes shut as Ben reached around to find Ray's dick. Ben stroked him as he humped Ray's ass, setting up a quick rhythm, his own moans filling the room. Legs shaking, sweat dripped down Ray's thighs as he fought to keep from diving into the mattress as Ben fucked him harder and harder.

Swarming heat turned to a sudden wildfire whipping up through Ray's middle right to his brain. His head dropped forward as the world swirled black before bursting into bright flashes. His whole body exploded with pleasure as Ben continued to work both his cock and ass. Release came in waves, rocking Ray forward, his body losing control. Ben never slowed his rhythm, hammering Ray's backside until he came, too. Ben grunted and then shuddered violently before he finally stopped moving.

Collapsed there together, Ray under Ben, Ray turned his head from the pillow. He gasped harder for air and then coughed several times. Ben rolled away, careful to take the used condom with him. As soon as he disposed of it, he put his hand on Ray's shoulder in concern. "Ray, are you all right?"

Unable to talk, Ray coughed several more times before he nodded. It took a few more minutes and tissues before he finally caught enough air to speak, the words breathless and choppy. "I'm fine and wow."

Relieved, Ben relaxed beside him and pulled him into a hug. He kissed Ray's temple. "Wow seems insufficient." Ben's embrace tightened. "Thank you."

"Thank you. That was great. It's been a while."

"Eight days, four hours, and twenty-four minutes."

Ray laughed and set off another round of coughing before he could finally speak. "Counting the days, huh?"

"For that particular joy, yes."

Sighing deeply, Ray nodded in approval and agreement. "Joy, yeah, I like that." They lay quietly together for a while longer before Ray spoke again. "You know, if anyone had told me a couple of months ago that I'd ever let you do that, I wouldn't have believed it."

"And now?"

"Now, it's one of the top five things I most love to do."

"Top five?"

"Yeah, I've got a list of best stuff, not that the other stuff isn't great, too."

Smiling in amusement, his face still red and a bit sweaty, Ben prompted, "And what would those five things be, Ray, for my own edification, mind you?"

Ray snuggled in closer, his voice soft as he listed them off. "I love your blowjobs. I love when you do me. I love your mouth, wherever you want to put it, but especially when you do that thing with my ass, you know, rimming."

"Indeed. I enjoy those activities as well. What are the other two?"

"When you use your fingers in my ass while you blow me."

"And finally?"

"When you let me do you."

Ben stroked Ray's belly and then teased Ray's nipples with his fingers. "You know, Ray, it would seem that we have similar tastes."

"Yeah?"

"Our sexual compatibility seems rather extraordinary considering the differences of our backgrounds."

"What feels good, feels good. It's got nothing to do with where we come from or how we grew up. Canada, America, we both like to please and be pleased by the one we love."

Ben nodded and kissed Ray's cheek. "Well said, Ray."

They lay together quietly for a few more minutes while their breathing and heart rates returned to normal. Ray took a deep breath as he thought about the possibility of infection. It just didn't seem real somehow, not possible in a world where he could feel such complete satisfaction with Ben. "I feel weird."

"Weird?"

"Yeah, I mean, I came all over the sheets. Do we have to do something special now or just wash them like before?"

"We wash them like before, Ray. Outside the body, the HIV virus is actually quite weak."

"Doesn't seem weak considering all the stuff it can do. I mean this shit kills people."

"I know, but you don't have to worry about the sheets. I'll change them before we retire."

"And that's enough?"

"It's sufficient, yes."

"Okay, good. That's good then." Ray paused, but then asked, "How do you know that for sure?"

"I've read the literature Dr. Lang gave us. I'd also done some independent reading."

"Yeah, how come?"

"It's an important disease, Ray. Millions of people are infected around the world. As a gay man, in particular, I thought it prudent to be informed as much as possible."

Ray nodded grudgingly. "When you're right, you're right, but it's still depressing."

"Information about the disease or something else?"

"I guess I'm just thinking about me, being selfish. I don't want to have this thing. I don't know how I'll deal with it if it turns out that I've got it."

Ben pulled him into a tighter embrace and whispered, "We'll handle it together, Ray."

Arms wrapped around Ben's middle as Ray hugged back. "Love you."

"I love you, too."

++++++++++++

Monday morning came too soon and not soon enough. Ray knew he needed to know the truth, but at the same time, he didn't want to know if he was really sick. He pushed gloomy thoughts away as he rolled over and found Ben sitting on the side of the bed putting his boots on. Ray rubbed his eyes sleepily and stretched. "You don't have to be there for another hour. You want to fix some tea while I get dressed? I'll drive you."

"That's not necessary, Ray. The walk will do me good."

"Now that you're living here, it's a lot further than just opening your door and, poof, you're there."

"It's still not that far."

"You sure?"

"Quite sure." Ben leaned over and kissed him gently.

Ray hooked the back of his neck and grinned. "You can do better than that."

"Ray --"

Instead of listening to Ben's protest, Ray grabbed him with both arms and pulled him back down across the bed. This time the kiss lasted a lot longer, tongues taking time to say 'hey there, good morning'. When Ray released him, Ben sat back up red-faced, his hair all messed up. He shook his head, a little dazed, like it took a lot of effort to speak with all his blood racing below his Sam Browne. "Ray, the uniform."

"You've got another."

"True, but I really should resist. It's not that I wouldn't love to disrobe and take you up on your generous offer, but Inspector Thatcher's still in Toronto until tomorrow. Turnbull will be on his own."

Not ready to give up quite yet, Ray persisted. "I think Turnbull can answer a few phones without you there to supervise, Ben."

"Still --"

Reluctantly, Ray relented. He knew Ben was right, but that didn't make his dick very happy. "Okay, okay, but next time, wake me up sooner. I mean, if you're going to live here, I want the full package."

"Full package?"

"Yeah, you know, all the perks. Mountie in the morning, Mountie at night, all the good stuff that comes with living together. It's no fun if you just get up and leave like before."

Ben hesitated and nodded. Leaning forward, he unlaced and removed his boots in record time. Ray frowned. "What are you doing?"

"I think I'll stay a bit longer. After all, we should celebrate our new living arrangement."

"What about Turnbull?"

"Well, as you pointed out, Ray, he's quite capable of answering a few phones." Ben stood up and slipped off his tunic, dropped his suspenders, and then took off his Henley.

Ray put his hands behind his head, enjoying the show. Ben was nothing if not gorgeous when he got in the buff. Ray's smile got bigger as he waited for the best part, when Ben dropped those pumpkin pants. "Won't he be worried if you're not there?"

"Likely so. I'll call him to relieve any concern before I leave."

"But you're not leaving yet, right?"

Ben slipped off his trousers and then his briefs before he climbed back into bed. He straddled Ray's crotch, Ben's muscles all firm and hard under that layer of perfect white skin. His dick already half-hard, Ben whispered as he leaned down to kiss him. "You're a bad influence, Ray Kowalski."

"You complainin'?"

"Not a bit." Ben kissed him, his tongue taking its time, slow and easy. Then he pulled back as he kneeled between Ray's spread legs. Ben stretched up and over Ray, his mouth explored Ray's neck, licking and teasing his throat before heading south to Ray's nipples. He took his time, nibbling one while he used his fingers to play with the other. Ray moaned, the pleasure almost too much. Ray's dick leaked and ached, begged to be touched. As Ray reached down to handle himself between their bodies, Ben pushed his hand away with a growl. "Mine."

Shivers went all over as Ray pulled his hand away and let Ben take over. Again taking his time, Ben ran his tongue along the middle of Ray's belly while he stroked his cock. Ray pushed into that hand, but before he came, Ben changed tactics and released him. Ray complained bitterly, "Don't stop."

"I don't intend to."

"Good, good, that's good then. Keep going. Jesus." Ray knew blithering when he heard it, but he couldn't stop himself. Ben fondled his balls and used his finger to tease Ray's ass. Ray's back arched as he pushed his dick upward toward Ben, hoping like hell his partner wouldn't torture him too much. Ben knew it took almost no time to get him off in the morning. Eyes closed, Ray heard the condom wrapper and then felt the cool latex roll down over his dick. Instead of worrying about losing his erection, Ray focused on how Ben's mouth took his dick into heat and splendor, made him want to die right then and there. Ray swam in pure pleasure as Ben sucked him, using his lips and tongue to vary the suction. Then Ben slipped a finger between Ray's cheeks, finding that tight pucker. Ben pushed the index finger in deep enough to touch just the right spot. Trapped there between mouth and hand, Ray exploded, the heat buzzing all over his skin, his head blasting into a minefield of nothing but flashes of light. Bam, bam, bam, nothing made him come faster than Ben sucking him while he fingered his ass, not even fucking. Jesus, he loved this man who made him feel better than racing the Indy 500 and going fifteen rounds a winner all at the same time. Nothing compared, nothing at all and Ray never wanted to have more than what he had right then.

After a few moments, air and reason returned and Ray lay on his back as Ben removed the condom. He used a tissue to wipe Ray's crotch and then smiled. "You enjoyed that."

"Oh, yeah. Return the favor?"

"Actually, I was hoping for something else."

"You've got it."

Leaning in, Ben sucked on Ray's neck and then shifted him to his side. As Ben reached over and rolled a condom on himself, Ray pulled up his knees. Ben slicked up Ray's asshole and then pushed in, filling him up with only a couple of hard thrusts. Ray grunted and took deep breaths, the pressure filling him up. Still on their sides, Ben rocked his hips, thrusting and pulling back in a gentle rhythm, but then speeding up. Ray reached behind him to pull Ben closer, to encourage him. Ben's breathing got faster as he buried himself with one final strong shove. Ben growled deep in his throat as he came, his head falling forward against Ray's shoulder. Teeth bit into the skin and Ray shuddered all over, his ass on fire, his belly tight. He didn't bite Ray that often, but when he did, Ben got off long and hard, just like this time.

Several moments later, Ben finally let out a ragged breath and carefully withdrew. He disposed of the condom and then pushed Ray onto his back again. They lay side-by-side, skin-to-skin, the heat and sweat mixed with the sharp smell of their lovemaking. Ben kissed the bite mark, just a bruise, no broken skin. He ran his finger over it and shook his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that."

Ray captured his hand. "It's okay. I like it."

"I like it, too."

"No shit."

Ben actually turned slightly redder. "I can't explain why."

"Maybe you've been hanging with Dief too long. You get off on marking your territory."

"You know as well as I do that Diefenbaker marks his territory in a whole different way."

"Yeah, but since I draw the line at pissing for love, I'll settle for the hickey."

Ben snuggled down beside Ray and wrapped him in his arms, his head on Ray's chest. "I'm going to be late."

"Tardy Mountie, huh? What do you guys get for that, twenty lashes or something?"

"A tongue lashing more like. Whatever it is, it's worth it."

"You can say that again." Ray kissed the top of Ben's mussed hair, wondering what Turnbull would say if he called and told him why Ben was late. "You know what?"

"What?"

"Stop by the bakery and take Turnbull some doughnuts. Tell him you're living here now. See what he says." Even though he'd already shaved, Ben's whiskers tickled Ray's belly as he laughed against his chest. "What? What's so funny?"

"Turnbull thinks I've been dragging my heels in this whole affair as it is. I'm sure he'll be happy for us."

"Yeah? You're saying Turnbull already knows about us?"

"Suffice it to say, we're likely to get a housewarming present when he finds out the move's already been made."

Ray pulled back to look Ben in the face. "What kind of present?"

"An Inukshuk."

"Bless you."

"That wasn't a sneeze, Ray."

Ray scratched his head as he tried to remember where he'd heard the word before. "Are you talking about that pile of rocks at the mall you guys gave us?"

"Well, it's just a miniature representation, but it's supposed to bestow good luck for our journey together. I saw him hiding it in his bottom desk drawer the other day. I assumed he's waiting for the opportune moment."

"Rocks in his drawers, rocks in his head. The guy's not wrapped too tight if he thinks that's what you give people for luck."

Instead of arguing about the symbolic value of the Inukshuk, Ben stared at him and asked, "What would you suggest instead?"

"I don't know. People give all kinds of housewarming gifts besides rocks, dishes, hockey tickets, stuff like that. Still, it's the thought that counts, right?"

"Indeed."

"So, Turnbull knows about us? How come you never said?"

"It never came up."

Ray pulled back, a little annoyed. "Don't do that. Don't do the whole it never came up thing. If you know stuff like that, you're supposed to share."

"I agree. I'm sorry. It's just really never occurred to me that you'd care that Turnbull knew."

"Well, I do. I need to know stuff." Still frowning, Ray asked, "So, what about Thatcher? Does she know, too?"

Ben shifted and sat up in the bed, his face more serious. "I'm sure she does, Ray."

"She does? How'd she find out?" Alarms went off in Ray's head. They didn't need the hassle of a ticked off Ice Queen. "She say anything?"

"She's the one who filed the forms when I changed my beneficiary, Ray. She's a very astute woman. She knows what such a step means beyond the mere practicality of it."

Ray swallowed hard. He didn't like Ben's expression when he talked about his commanding officer. "She said something, didn't she, made some crack about us?"

Ben tugged at his ear and shook his head. "Actually, no. She simply filed the forms. It was her body language that suggested her lack of approval."

"There you go with the body language again. What are you doing looking at her bod?"

Lips thinned into a grin as Ben shook his head at Ray's jealous words. "Nothing untoward, I assure you. I have no interest in the Inspector's body other than in a professional manner."

"Better not. So, what'd her body say?"

The smile faded as Ben swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He dressed as he spoke softly. "The general stiffness and the way she avoided eye contact for the rest of the day suggested that my orientation made her uncomfortable."

"Not surprising considering you two locked lips before."

"Ray, I told you that we just got caught up in the heat of the moment."

"Yeah, everybody sucks face on top of speeding trains when they're dealing with terrorists."

"Ray --"

"So, you think she'll give you grief about it?"

"No more than for anything else."

"She's hard to deal with, I know."

"She's an excellent officer in many ways, but, yes, she can be rather difficult in certain circumstances."

"Like being tardy, huh? Good thing she's out of town."

Ben turned, staring like Ray had farted without saying excuse me. "Ray, just because she's not there, doesn't mean I'll not report my lack of punctuality."

"You're going to rat yourself out? Jeez, wonder why that doesn't surprise me?"

Ben gave him a quick kiss before he slipped on his trousers. "Because you know me so well."

"That's a fact." Watching Ben dress, Ray sat back and pulled up the sheet. "So, you want me to pick you up to go see Dr. Lang around two?"

"That'll be fine, Ray."

"Yeah, fine and dandy."

At his sarcastic tone, Ben sat back down on the bed, his hand on Ray's shoulder. "It's going to be okay, Ray. Trust me."

"Trust you? I trust you with my life, just like you trust me with yours, but this isn't about trust. It's about luck, about winners and losers." His throat suddenly dry, Ray took a long breath. "I don't want to lose the pot on this one, Ben."

"The pot?"

"Yeah, you know, like in poker, like in lose the pot? We're all in, but we haven't seen all the cards yet. It sucks."

Sighing, Ben nodded in understanding. "It'll be fine, Ray. I believe that with all my heart." He leaned in and gave him a quick kiss. "I have to go now. What kind of doughnuts do you think Turnbull would like?"

Ray ran a hand through his hair and grinned, thinking he finally had Turnbull's number. "Not doughnuts, eclairs. Something tells me, he'd get a kick out of those."

Ben snorted in amusement. "If I'm not mistaken, Ray, those are your favorite pastries as well."

Ray grinned as he licked his lips suggestively. "Go figure."

Ben walked out, shaking his head, but still smiling through the blush.

+++++++++++

Negative. They were both negative, free of any virus, no infection, no life-altering changes in the cards, at least for now.

Ray never realized how a person's whole world could spin or sputter on the power of just one word. He'd always known life was precious, could be taken away with an itchy trigger finger or a split-second bad judgment call in a dark alley while chasing down scumbags. It only took a heartbeat to send a guy over the edge and take a guy out, change his life forever. A guy just never knew when his ticket might get punched for no good reason.

Knowing all that hit him harder now that he knew how much he wanted to live. Ben made that much difference, making Ray's life fuller, not just rationed out with a whim and a good feeling. Ray thought he'd had it all with Stella, but he'd had no clue about how much more he needed than she ever gave him. Ben gave him everything, made it real and worth hanging in there when life sucked hard and kicked him in the balls more times than not.

Ray sank onto the sofa, his eyes closed and his head back. Ben puttered in the kitchen making coffee and tea. After a few minutes, Ben settled beside him and took his hand. "Ray, you've been uncharacteristically quiet since the doctor's office. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. I go back to work tomorrow. It's like nothing ever happened."

"And that bothers you?"

Opening his eyes, he stared into concerned blue eyes. "We still don't know, not for sure."

"Ray --"

Ray squeezed Ben's hand. "No, listen. I understand. We can't stall living because I've got this gloom and doom shit going on in my head. I know that. It's just I have a harder time than you do when it comes to the whole have faith thing. Growing up, I just always expected the worst and then I wasn't disappointed. But this thing, this thing, it's a whole 'nother ballgame. It's like I said before, we're on hold, both of us. We can't really celebrate being free and clear because we're not, not yet anyway."

"On the contrary, Ray. We can celebrate and should." Ben paused, considering his words carefully, his voice soft, but steady. "Every day together is a gift. Whether we're infected or not, it's still a blessing to have one another, to share this love, this relationship. I don't mean to be overly sentimental or maudlin, but I have to tell you that having you in my life has been the greatest miracle I could ever have imagined."

Eyes stinging, Ray nodded. "Yeah, me, too, what you said. I was just sitting here thinking how much more I appreciate things since we got together. I mean, yeah, before I didn't have a death wish or anything, but it didn't seem to matter as much if something did happen. Danger was just part of the job. Now, I worry a lot more because I've got a lot more to lose."

"I agree. I, too, find myself taking a bit longer to consider the consequences before I spring into action."

Ray nodded in acceptance and then rested his head against Ben's shoulder. "I'm tired. I think I'll take a nap. Maybe we can go out to eat later."

"That would be lovely, Ray."

A knock came from the door. Before Ray could stand, Ben got up first. "I'll get it."

When Ben opened the door, Mrs. Palance, Ray's landlady stood there holding a package. "Hello, Constable. It's nice to see you again."

Before Ben spoke, Ray called from the sofa. "Hey, Mrs. Palance. What's up?"

She held up the package in her hand. "This wouldn't fit in your mailbox, so Trish gave it to me."

"Trish?"

"The mail lady. It's from Arizona."

Ray was up and off the sofa in a heartbeat. "Arizona?"

"Yes. Anyway, I thought I should bring it up."

Ray took the package like it was dynamite, his heart racing. He recognized his mother's handwriting. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

Mrs. Palance cleared her throat. "Look, I hate to mention it, because you're such a good tenant, but if the dog's going to live here, there's a $100 extra cleaning deposit. I wouldn't say anything, but --"

Ray held up a hand, grateful that she didn't seem upset about Ben and Dief moving in. "No, no problem. I'll write you a check and put it under your door later."

"That's fine." She smiled and looked straight at Ben who'd been silent through the whole exchange. "Welcome to the building, Constable. It's nice to have you here."

"Thank you kindly, Mrs. Palance. It's nice to be here."

As she walked away, Ben shut the door and they both moved to the table. Ray put the package down and crossed his arms, his brow furrowed as he studied it. Ben frowned. "Aren't you going to open it? It's obviously from your mother."

"I know it's from Mum. I'm just wondering what it is."

Ben shook his head in confusion. "If you open it, you'll know what it is."

"Easy for you to say."

"Ray, you're being silly."

"Then you open it."

"That would be illegal. It's not my package."

"It's legal if I give you permission."

"True."

"So, open it." Ray stood very still as Ben picked up the package and painstakingly worked the tape around the edges. Frustrated, Ray complained, "Hurry up."

"If I'm careful, we could save the paper to use again."

Ray sat in the chair, shaking his head, but letting Ben have his way. Eventually, the contents were revealed and Ben's face flushed a dark red. "Oh, dear."

Ray's frown deepened as he snatched not one, but two books from Ben's hands. His own face heated as he shook his head in amazement. "I don't fucking believe it."

"It would appear that your ex-wife has been talking to your mother, Ray."

"No shit." Ray stared in disbelief at THE NEW JOY OF GAY SEX BOOK and a smaller book of photography called MALE BONDING. "How could she do this? How could she tell my mum about this without permission?"

"Well, to be fair, Ray, did you tell her to keep it a secret?"

"No, but she should've known I didn't want Mum to know yet."

Ben cocked his head and shrugged. "It would appear that your mother is trying to be supportive of our relationship, Ray."

"By sending me sex books? I mean, I know she loves me, but I don't get that."

"Perhaps it's her way to show you that she doesn't disapprove. She is, after all, a mature woman. I'm sure she understands and appreciates how sex is a major component of any intimate relationship."

"She's my mum, Ben. It's embarrassing."

"That's not a very mature attitude, Ray. Sex is a natural function for all beings. It's not something you should be embarrassed about."

Ray snorted and snatched the book of photographs. "Yeah, this from a guy who turns as red as his uniform even when we're fucking."

On cue, Ben's cheeks pinked up. "To be fair, my upbringing was a great deal more conservative than yours, Ray. Besides, it's entirely involuntary. I have no control over my blushing."

Ray pecked Ben's cheek with a kiss in apology for his teasing. "I know that." Flipping the pages, Ray's eyes got bigger. "Jeez, you think she actually looked at these pictures before she mailed this?"

Ben studied the erotic images and cleared his throat. "They certainly are explicit."

The husky tone of his partner's voice clued Ray in on the bonus effect of the pictures. He studied Ben's face an extra second and grinned, his own dick waking up to play. He snapped the book closed and headed to the bedroom. "Come on, let's try number 55."

As Ben followed, he nodded, "I think we should call your mother and thank her, Ray."

"Yeah, yeah, later. Might even send her flowers. Meanwhile, let's celebrate this whole being negative thing."

Ben caught his arm and turned him around before they actually made it to the bed. "Ray?"

"Yeah?"

Instead of answering, Ben pushed Ray back against the wall, his mouth crushing against Ray's, his tongue strong and eager. When he pulled back, Ben swallowed hard. "I have a confession to make."

"Yeah?"

"I was extremely relieved that we're both negative, more than I wanted to admit."

Ray's heart softened as he studied the deep blue eyes. He ran a hand through the dark hair and nodded. "I know. Mr. Braveface doesn't fool me."

"No?"

"No, but I appreciate the effort."

"Even when you knew I was worried, too?"

"Even so, yeah. One of us has to pretend to be strong."

Ben buried his face in Ray's shoulder. "You are strong, Ray, stronger than I am sometimes. I wanted to have faith, told myself I had faith, but --"

"But deep down you were as scared as I was, right?"

"I'm afraid so, yes. I'm sorry if I lied about that earlier."

Cupping the back of Ben's head, Ray kissed his neck. "It's okay. We're in this together. It's human to be scared."

His voice muffled and thick, Ben complained about his own behavior. "I didn't want to let you down, Ray. I'm just so grateful that you're well."

"And I'm going to stay well, just like you are."

Ben lifted his head, his blue eyes misty, and nodded. "I truly hope that's the case."

"And if it's not, well, like you said, every day we're together is a blessing. We'll go with that. It works."

"It does, indeed."

Ray grinned and sneaked a quick kiss as he teased, "In the meantime, let's do a little male bonding of our own."

Ben took Ray's hand and led him to the bed, both men intent on enjoying the moment, a moment that went far beyond just partnership. It took them to a whole new level of commitment, of sharing the good and the bad. Worked up and horny, Ray tossed the book on the table and growled, determined to show Ben his own version of picture-perfect lovin', Chicago-style and then some.

+++++++++++ The End