Author's website: http://www.rainewynd.com/

Disclaimer: Alliance owns 'em. Not written or archived for profit.

Author's Notes: Comments welcome!

Story Notes: General spoilers, mostly for CoTW.

Disclaimer and Notes: Alliance still owns them, darn it. Not for profit, never for harm, and always for pleasure.

Undercover, you're supposed to be ready for the minute when your assignment's over. Undercover, you're supposed to be a lot of things, but the truth was... I don't think any of us was ready for it to end. I wasn't, at least, not the way it did. I was pretty sure Kowalski hadn't been; the surprise on his face was too real to be faked. I knew Fraser was glad to see me - the relief in his eyes and voice was too genuine - and I could tell that he was close to Kowalski. Maybe too close. I didn't want to think about that too deeply, how it hurt that someone had come along and gotten in where I couldn't. You see, there was always a part of Fraser that I wasn't involved with, not even after the mess with Victoria. I could have all his free time, a good chunk of his work time, and yet there were huge pieces of him I didn't know, couldn't touch, wasn't comfortable with, and both of us had tried to pretend it wasn't important that I felt that way. There was a time when I'd convinced myself I was OK with all that. That time wasn't now.

I could see it in the way he stood close to Kowalski, hear it in the way he seemed to proud that we were working together, feel it in the things that weren't said between all three of us. Some part of me wanted to be petty enough to point out how I'd gone undercover to prove how I could be the hero for once, instead of him. I hadn't wanted to take that assignment without saying goodbye, but that phone call only proved to me that I wasn't good with words, that I'd never quite measure up to the standard he'd set. From the day I'd met him, I'd felt I was running to catch up, to make contact, to bond with him, and I'd thought I'd done pretty well.

Then the mess with Bolt had happened, and it made me realize that Fraser belonged in Canada. He was alive up there in a way I could never hope to cause, no matter how many criminals we'd brought to justice, no matter how much I'd tried to show I could be just as good as he was at solving cases. I'd trusted him with my life, but I didn't know who Steve was, or why I'd catch him talking to thin air as if someone was standing there, arguing with him. He was my best friend, but I didn't know his birthday. It hadn't mattered, not when people were shooting at us and strapping us to bombs and trying to kill a man who used reason like a weapon. Maybe it should have. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so compelled to prove that I was good enough to measure up to him.

No one tells you that abandoning your best friend out of duty is like breaking your own heart. But when that duty's saving the world from scum like Armando, and your best friend's made it look easy, what's the price of a heart? Yeah, so being noble's not what it's cracked up to be. I knew that going in, but getting it reinforced made me edgy, more willing to lash out with my sarcasm, but I didn't care. I knew Fraser would only blithely ignore my cynicism, and the only guy who'd really notice would be Kowalski. Something told me Kowalski had already noticed. I hated him for that, hated the way I was standing on the outside again, looking in at something I couldn't have.

Noticed? Hell, a blind man could've seen how things were between Fraser and the Real Ray Vecchio. I didn't need no case file to figure out there was a lot they hadn't gotten to say to each other before Vecchio went undercover. You ever have a moment where everything goes slow-mo and you swear you can see every little damned thing? In that instant when Fraser recognized Vecchio, I knew I had the advantage.

Me and Fraser, we'd gotten our rhythm going, gotten used to each other, gotten a little closer than just friends should've gotten, and somehow gotten it all back. I was grateful and annoyed for that on a daily, no, hourly, basis, and Vecchio's return threw another kink in the works. I knew then some things were never gonna change, that for all the time I'd spent with Fraser, I was still just the stand-in.

Except I knew something Vecchio didn't. I knew who'd picked up the pieces of Fraser's broken heart and kept him going when everything he'd come back to had suddenly been as unfamiliar as the day he'd first come hunting for the killers of his father. I knew something else too: that I knew Vecchio better than he knew himself, 'cause I'd had to be him, and while I didn't act like him when I could help it, I knew how he thought. Hell, I couldn't blame him for leaving. Something about Fraser made you think you could be Captain America, and step out from under the shadow of being the Mountie's partner. I could see where Vecchio couldn't stand that for long; he'd loved being the center of attention, when he could get it.

Me, I'd never cared about being the center of attention, except where Stella was concerned, and even that was fading. I could play Robin to Fraser's Batman any day, and like it. That was the difference between Vecchio and me: I didn't mind being in Fraser's shadow, or being Fraser's shadow period. Someone had to watch his ass, and I'd rather it be me than a deaf wolf - least I could shoot back.

Funny thing is, I could see Vecchio had convinced himself that he'd done pretty well without Fraser. Undercover, you're flying solo, really, and it goes to your head and gets on your nerves and you're never the same after it's all over. I knew that, and so did Vecchio. He'd done all right without Fraser, sure. But Fraser hadn't done all right without Vecchio. I just wondered if they'd have a chance to say what they needed to before things got too crazy.

Yeah, so I didn't like the view from where I stood. Until Fraser got it through his thick head that Vecchio wasn't the friend he'd thought he was, I was out here in the cold, waiting for him.

This ficlet was inspired by the following song:

"From Where I Stand"
Written by Kim Richey & Tia Sillers
Sung by Suzy Bogguss

Funny we should meet
The three of us here on the street
You know I've wondered what I'd say
Now the moment's here
And suddenly it's crystal clear
Some things are never gonna change

From where I stand I see an old familiar story Only last time I was in your shoes
Now it's looking like it's my turn to be lonely And I tell you I don't like the view

I was just like you
For me, he left somebody too
And I didn't care if that was wrong
Oh but now I've found
The tears you caused come back around
And they're coming your way before too long

From where I stand, I see an old familiar story Only last time I was in your shoes
Now it's looking like it's my turn to be lonely And I tell you I don't like the view

From where I stand we've got a lot in common and There's a good chance you'll be standing one day right here

From where I stand I see an old familiar story Only last time I was in your shoes
Now it's looking like it's my turn to be lonely And I tell you I don't like the view

From where I stand I see an old familiar story Only last time I was in your shoes
Now it's looking like it's my turn to be lonely And I tell you I don't like the view

End I Don't Like the View by Alice in Stonyland: wenchita@gmail.com

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