Disclaimer: For entertainment only.

Author's Notes: Part 4 in the "Benny and Ray" series

NOTES FROM THE JOURNAL OF BENTON FRASER Rated PG By Dee Gilles

20 September 1997 Saturday 23:45

Even though it was Ray's birthday today, he has given me a present. This journal. So much like Ray, always thinking of others on a day when he's entitled to thinking only of himself. Ray's asleep now, after a long day of well wishes, a veritable birthday feast that Mother Vecchio prepared, and a Bears game that Tony and I treated him to.

Yesterday we also had a birthday celebration at the station. It started out rather rocky, with Ray having to endure an interrogation about some missing heroin from the evidence locker. The whole thing was ridiculous really, and thankfully, we were able to get everything squared away within a matter of hours. We had a traditional Yukon celebration, and I introduced everyone to activities like bobbing for trout. Lieutenant Welsh, in particular, took a real liking to it. It was nice that we had time to enjoy a little downtime at the station. I believe that today's eclipse put people out of sorts, and temporarily abated criminal behavior.

After we returned from the football game today, and I had slipped out of my clothes in preparation for bed , Ray softly tapped on my door. He called to me to come to his room for a minute, and left without waiting for a reply. I put on my robe and softly treaded down the hall. The rest of the family was asleep at this late hour. I was exhausted myself, but if Ray wanted me, I had to respond. When I got to his room, Ray was in his pajamas, and the bed was turned back invitingly. It was so quiet, I could hear crickets chirping outside. It felt like there was nobody in the world, except for Ray Vecchio and me, tucked away in a softly lit room on this warm September night. Like the world existed only for us.

Ray was standing in front of his closet, reaching for the shelf above for a box. Wordlessly, he handed it to me, and inside there were five leather-bound books. I opened the first one, and saw that it contained only blank paper, and instantly understood. He said, "I know you lost all your dad's journals in the fire, and there's nothing I can do about that, but I thought I'd at least give you your own."

It seems fitting to me that I would begin this journal with Ray. Living a life that included Ray Vecchio was essential to me. I realized this after I returned from my holiday in Canada, and there he was, waiting for me at the station. The days up north were empty and I understand the simple truth of Thomas Wolfe when he said "you can't go home again." Tracking criminals for days on end simply did not give me the satisfaction it once did. Despite the exhausting days of chase, I couldn't sleep. I would lie awake in my bedroll at night, staring up at the stars, wondering what Ray was doing. No doubt since I was not there to disapprove, he was participating in poker night with his errant gambling partners. I hoped he was not having too good of a time without me.

I felt so secure with Ray. Even when I returned home to find my apartment on fire, I felt not a moment's despair because Ray was with me. Losing my few things in the fire meant little to me. My biggest regret was the loss of Dad's journals and my family photos. I had felt fortunate that I had a few photos with me and a few memories were spared from Victoria's arson of my father's cabin. Now, not even that was left. Were I Ray, I'd say all these events were a sign. I'd say that maybe God was trying to tell me to separate from my old life, that I no longer belonged to Canada, and that it was time to let go of the past. That my life was here in Chicago with Ray. In fact, God seemed determined to keep pushing us together until we were literally living under the same roof. I was surprised at how easily and quickly I got used to living in this large household. I was easily worked into the bathroom schedule. Since I was the first one to awaken in the morning, I was first to take my shower, if I did not take one the night before. Of course, privacy was a thing of the past. I'd been walked in on in the bathroom or in my room more times than I cared to admit. People simply didn't knock. Dief had had his tailed stepped on more than once, too, but he shrugged it off easily enough. He was in Nirvana, with so many more hands willing to feed and rub him, and plenty of children with which to play in the spacious back yard.

Despite the fact that I have known Ray for some three years now, I'd realized just how little I understood him before. He is a different person while at home. He lets his guard down. He is often quiet, preferring Maria and Mother to run the house and issue directions to keep all operations running smoothly. He's more pensive than I have ever witnessed. He often looks after his niece and nephews, and is very playful with them. He is very affectionate. Sometimes when walking into a room, he'll greet me with a noisy kiss on the hair or the temple, grasping by the back of the head or the cheek like his mother often does to all her loved ones. I don't even think he realizes he was doing it. He often kissed and hugged Maria. Unlike his relationship with Francesca, Ray and Maria's had a quiet and respectful aspect to it. They almost seemed to have a psychic connection, each understanding the other with very little words.

I must say that I understand why Ray treats Frannie the way he does. The woman can be grating. She has a way of simply not noticing when she is being abrasive, silly, or obtuse, which makes it even worse. It does wear one's patience down. Dieffenbaker, oddly enough, loves her dearly. The two of them have been very beholden of one another lately. He follows her around the house sometimes like puppy, begging to be petted and fed. He's quite shameless about it.

When Ray gave me the journals tonight, I hugged him. I believe this is the first time I've ever initiated a hug. Ray is so thin. I could feel every bone in his shoulders and back. He squeezed me surprisingly tightly, making me realize his thinness was not to be mistaken for frailness. "Good night, Benny." He said to me. Benny. I love that he calls me that. No one does. Dad called me Benton. Tony and Maria call me Ben, and Mother Vecchio calls me "Benito". Francesca usually opts for "Frase", which I don't particularly care for, but I've given up correcting her.

After we released from our embrace, I started to go, but then turned back toward the door on some half-understood impulse. "Ray," I asked, "May I sit with you a little?"

Ray slipped into bed and held the covers up for me. Even though it was warm, I slid in alongside him. We talked about nothing special for a few minutes. Something he said reminded me of an Inuit story, which I shared with him. I know Ray is quite fond of my Inuit stories. He finds them fascinating, although he puts on a great show of being annoyed with me. During my second story, went on for some twenty- seven minutes, he drifted off to sleep, snoring reassuringly. It is then that I picked up a pen from his nightstand and began to write. It is late. My eyes are grainy. I have no desire to leave this comfortable bed, full of my best friend. I'm putting this aside now, so that I may turn off the lamp, curl up, and join Ray in slumber.

28 September Sunday 05:00

Yesterday will be a day that I remember for the rest of my life. I couldn't have asked for a more fulfilling day. I arose at 04:30 and had a good long walk with Dief. The morning was cool, and crisp. Fall was in the air. Dieff and I ventured out of our haven of Little Italy, and explored the Loop. Even though the Consulate was located there, I seldom had occasion to learn the streets. Coincidentally, I discover a street near the consulate called Benton. Dieff and I also walked to Millennium Park and the Art Institute. I mentally noted to return there when it was open. We returned to Little Italy via the North Side and West Town. My feet were a little achy upon our return, but it felt good. I had been gaining weight at the Vecchios' at the rate of 1.2 pounds per week (and Dieffenbaker not far behind), so we both needed the hearty exercise.

Although the rest of the family was up and very active, Ray was still in bed when we returned. Dief and I took turns rousting him, but he was not at all appreciative. He reacted rather like a hen doused with water, I have to say. I reminded him that he was the one who asked to be awakened in the morning so we could go shopping for clothes. I needed a few more shirts and another pair of pants, and Ray had insisted that he accompany me.

Ray bought a new car shortly after the Riviera was burned, and I must say it was rather sharp, a black 1995 Buick LaSabre. He was regretful at first, of not getting another Riviera, but once he got used to the sun roof, the CD player, and power steering, locks and brakes, he loudly proclaimed that he couldn't believe that he had put up with the old "shitbox" Riv for so long. The day he bought it, we both took personal days, and he took me for an extended drive, out of the city. He wouldn't allow Dief within five feet of it, much less in it, so Dief stayed home with Mother. It was the first time I had been alone with Ray for an extended period of time since my visit to Canada. Our aloneness now felt different. More intimate somehow. On impulse, he ended up driving us to the place where he was born, Valparaiso, Indiana. He still had cousins that lived there. He showed me his old house, a little cottage on a side street in a well kept old neighborhood with rows of manicured green lawns. We drove to Indiana Dunes, where we got out for a long walk, and then sat in the sand and talked before heading back to Chicago.

It was a wonderful gift of a day. For the tenth time since living with Ray, I asked myself where I would be, what I would be doing, if I didn't know Ray Vecchio. I was grateful to Ray for staying in Chicago. I had learned about the plan to send him to Las Vegas, and that would have meant a large career boost for him, perhaps even a place in the FBI or CIA if he chose. But he didn't take the assignment. He put me above himself, and I'd forever be grateful to him for it. I shutter at what my fate would have been without him. I think I'd be miserable-lonely, and perhaps even unhinged.

By the time we left the house yesterday to go clothes shopping, it was a little later than I had hoped. Ray was feeling a little lackadaisical, and was slow to get motivated. As we pulled out of the driveway, I told Ray that the thrift shop had perfectly fine, gently used clothes that would allow me to stretch my dollars to their maximum value. He said that was fine, but that he wouldn't allow me to buy my suit there.

"Why on earth would I need a suit, Ray?"

"For next weekend," he said.

"For...basketball?"

"No, knucklehead. Next Saturday night, I'm taking you to dinner at `Giordano's', and then, you and I have front row tickets to "La Boheme."

"Pardon?"

"La Boheme. You know. The opera."

"Ray, I didn't think you knew anything about opera, or cared."

"Benny. I'm Italian," Ray said, as though that explained it all.

"I can't let you do that, Ray. It's too expensive."

"Money's already spent, Benny. Got'em when you were in the Territories."

"You didn't have to do that. I don't know what to say."

"Say `thank you'"

"Thanks, Ray."

After I picked out three new flannel shirts and a pair of good wool pants from the thrift store, Ray took me to his favorite shopping establishments, where we both bought new suits, Ray claiming it was pre-emptive of this next loss by my hands. Naturally, I begged to differ.

I also met another member of the Vecchio extended family yesterday. Ray's cousin Valerie Russo lives on Lakeshore Drive, and is a successful investment banker. We visited her condominium and were treated to a very satisfying, richly seasoned lunch. The view of Lake Michigan was spectacular from her expansive windows. Her condominium was spacious yet somehow cozy, and her style clearly reflected a Mediterranean influence.

Ray called Valerie a `real brainiac, ever since we were little kids." She is five years older than Ray, and has the same hazel green eyes and narrow face. It was uncanny to see features I associated with Ray only on someone else's face. But I was extremely at-ease with her; it was much like talking to Ray himself.

Valerie also joined us on a peaceful boat cruise on the Chicago River. Ray had been wanting to take me for a year, and he finally insisted that we do it today, before winter came and we were forced to wait yet another year. Ray drove us to Navy Pier, and we boarded a small tour boat. Because it was so late in the season, the boat was not at all crowded. We spent the afternoon in the warm orange sun glow, floating peacefully along the river and locks, gazing at various buildings and landmarks.

Upon returning to the pier, Valerie and Ray wanted to go for drinks. We found an intimate little pub nearby. I indulged in a glass of Merlot as Ray and Valerie caught up on family news. Mostly it was about family I didn't know and hadn't previously heard of, but a lot of it was about Ray and me. Ray told her about how we had met, and how I came to be living with him at the moment. He also told her about how I'd forced him to dumpster-dive among maggot-ridden rubbish, his favorite story; how I once used him as a human fulcrum; and also how he'd paid dozens of people to listen to me filibuster at town council, which was something I was not aware of. I need to ask him for more details on that tomorrow. I cannot believe all the things that Ray has done for me.

I also got a little insight into Ray's family's background, which I thought was very interesting. As Valerie seemed very willing to impart knowledge of their family history, I took the opportunity to ask a few questions. Ray always seemed so reluctant to talk about his family in a lot of detail, because it was "boring", but Valerie had no such reservation.

Valerie said that she and Ray were quite close as children. Ray's mother and her mother, Marie Therese, are sisters. They lived across the street from Vecchios, and she, Ray, and Maria used to play together. She said that Ray was the one sent around the neighborhood looking for his father when he was gone from home too long, which she thought was a precursor to Ray's career as a police detective. Ray became very adept at finding Uncle Sal. Her father moved the family out to the suburbs when Valerie was eleven. She and Ray rediscovered their friendship when she came back to attend college at Northwestern.

The sun was setting on my perfect day by the time we left her. For some reason, Ray felt it was necessary to tell me that his cousin was a lesbian. I didn't know how I was expected to respond to that bit of news, so I said nothing. Ray joked that she was the only kind of woman that could be trusted around me.

We went home, and I helped Mother Vecchio with dinner preparations. Frannie was out on a date with a young man, Tony was working, so it was just myself, Ray, Mother, and Maria and her children. I was suddenly exhausted at the table. Mother and Maria shooed me upstairs to bed and they cleared the table. Ray decided to stay up without me and watch a football game.

Time to end this entry. I'm accompanying Mother to the early mass this morning, and if I intend to walk Dief before we go, then I have to do so now. I am enjoying attending mass. I've done some research on Catholicism these past few days, and I find that while some of their social codes are a bit outdated by today's standards, and are a complete denial of individual human nature and group social behavior, at the heart of it lies a pure and noble effort, a desire to help those less fortunate, and a drive to seek out love. I've mentally outlined few questions and key points to bring up to Father Behan after mass. I am curious to know where he himself stands on family planning, allowing married men into the priesthood, and on homosexuality. I'm looking forward in engaging him in a lively discussion that will no doubt challenge us both

. 30 September Tuesday 21:15

After several months of intense study and hard work, the 27th's own Elaine has become our newest member of the force. She graduated at the top of her class. Ray and I were so proud of her, watching her cross the stage to accept her diploma from the Academy. Ray especially, although I could tell he was sad to lose her. After several days of much deserved vacation, the new rookie will be reporting to the 13th Monday morning. They wanted to fast-track her to detective, and we knew she'd be working with the ex-husband of Louise. St. Laurent's associate, Stella Kowalski. But her primary job would be in a patrol car cruising The Loop, so it was possible that I would see her out and about on my errands for the Consulate. I hope it will be a long and achievement-filled career for Elaine. Lt. Welsh, Ms. St. Laurent, Detectives Huey and Dewey, Ray, Francesca, and I all took her to Scarpetta's to celebrate.

I was also glad to see Ray and Francesca back on speaking terms. For two days, those two did not speak to one another. Ray found out last month that Francesca intended on taking Elaine's place as civilian aide at the station. He did not think there was any chance of getting the position at all, due to her apparent lack of qualifications for the job, but somehow, she managed to get a second interview. Ray told her in no uncertain terms that their was no way that he was going to allow her to work at the station and nag him all day. And not only that, he claimed she only wanted the job so that she could flirt with me all day, and he wasn't about to have some floozy hanging on me all day, being a distraction, whether it was his own sister or not.

Tensions exploded over dinner Sunday night when she announced that she in fact had learned on Friday that she had gotten the position, and intended on accepting after considering it all weekend. Ray jumped up, knocking over his chair, and cursed her in Italian, and Francesca responded by throwing dinner rolls at his head. Ray reached over and grabbed her throwing arm, pulling and twisting. Tony and I had to separate them, but not before Francesca managed to land a smart slap across Ray's cheek with her free hand. Mother yelled at Ray for cursing his sister and pulling her arm, and Maria screamed at Francesca for slapping Ray and throwing things at him. Ray viciously jabbed me in the ribs with his bony elbow for not allowing him to take out his frustrations on Francesca. I yelled at him, startled and hurt, and he yelled back at me, not at all contrite. Maria's baby started crying, and Tony yelled at Ray and me for yelling and upsetting the baby. I somehow ended up with a clump of peas in my hair. In the end, Mother sent us all to our rooms to cool off. I went to bed with a throbbing headache, yet I also felt that I had passed some Vecchio family rite of initiation somehow. I was a real Vecchio at last. Oh, dear! Or rather, Dio Mio!

4 October Saturday 23:30

I am getting fat and happy. Despite some exercise, I have gained another 1.4 pounds this week, but it was also a wonderful week. Thursday night, Ray treated me to dinner in Greek Town, and took me to a movie called "L.A. Confidential". It was a fascinating movie, full of intrigue and plot twists. I had picked the movie, and Ray had agreed to go only to see "that Kim Basinger, she's a hottie", although he fell asleep a half-hour before the end of the movie.

Last night, we went to the YMCA and played basketball. Ray somehow finagled me into his family membership (using the name Benny Vecchio) so I wouldn't have to pay. I thought this was very dishonest and insisted vehemently that I get my own membership and pay. But Ray wouldn't have it. Sometimes it's best not to argue with the man. Instead, I made a charitable contribution to the organization, equivalent to what I would have paid for my membership. This morning, I had the most invigorating swim.

I was back at home before Ray was even awake. I have discovered that Ray had rather stay up until the middle of the night, and sleep the day away if left to his own devices. He was often irritable if I awakened him too soon. Three days ago, he even chased me down the stairs because he was so enraged that I woke him up at 5:30. I easily evaded him by ducking underneath the dining room table, staying just out of arm's reach. Ray quickly grew frustrated. After cursing me, he then curled up on the chesterfield in the front parlor, and slept for another two hours. Ray swears he does not remember this.

I was often left with a lot of free time during the weekend days and weekday evenings, so I made myself useful by helping out around the house. It was the least that I could do, as neither Mother nor Ray would take money for my keep. This weekend, I repaired a leaky faucet for Mother, helped Tony scour the neighborhood dumpsters for recyclables that could be redeemed for cash, and accompanied Francesca to the market for veal. Tomorrow after mass, I will be taking Maria's children to Arrigo Park so that she can have some quiet time to herself.

As he promised, tonight Ray took me out to a wonderful eating establishment on Taylor Street where we both stuffed ourselves with pasta and meats. Ray drove us to the Opera House for the most amazing production of La Boheme.

We had the most titillating conversation on the drive home. I brought up the subject, once again, of finding my own apartment soon. I have brought this up several times in the past month, but Ray always changes the subject. I was little more insistent this time.

"Whatsa matter, Benny? You wanna move out so you can bed beautiful women in privacy?"

"Now, why would I want a woman when I have you, Ray?"

"Well, Benny, I can think of a few reasons."

"No, Ray, I just don't want to keep imposing. And this is not about me wanting to sleep with women. Nothing could be further from the truth."

The sentence was left dangling there in the open air for a while. We were both silent for a long time. I could tell by Ray's body language that he had a question inside of him. I patiently waited for it to come out. "Benny...no judgement here...I've been meaning to ask you for a long, long time...You like guys?"

The question floored me and I can feel myself growing hot.

"In what sense, Ray?"

"You know what sense I mean."

"Well, I like you, Ray, and you're a guy, so ergo I like guys."

"Sexually, okay? Sexually. Truth."

A month ago, I think I would have skirted the question, but since living with the man, we had had a lot of late night talks. I had slept with him in his bed on two different occasions and Ray had opened up to me in a way he never, ever had. There were quiet nights when he put all the masks aside, and he was just Ray, a scared boy sometimes, and loving and amazingly gentle at other times, someone who could take a secret to his grave if you asked him to.

"Well, Ray, I do subscribe to the philosophy of the Kinsey scale, that sexuality is a dimmer switch, or a sliding scale that can be altered based on one's life experiences, and opportunities. For me, the soul is much more important than what someone's gender happens to be."

"So...you're saying you're bisexual then, right?"

I sighed. "Ray, I'm just me."

"So, if the right man came along, you'd sleep with him?"

"I believe I've already answered that. Why do you ask, Ray?"

He shrugged. "I was just wondering. That's all."

"Does it bother you?"

Ray considered the question for a full minute. "Nah, Benny. It doesn't bother me. I only wanted to know." It seemed to satisfy him, so he switched gears. "The music was good tonight, no?"

"It was amazing. What voices."

"The Marriage of Figaro is coming in January. Wanna go?"

"Why, Raymond Vecchio, are you becoming an opera fan?"

"Benny, I'm Italian. We invented opera."

"Ah," I said.

"What do you mean, `ah'?"

"Nothing, Ray."

"I hate it when you do that to me. You know this, right?" But he chuckled.

By this time, we had pulled into the driveway. We softly treaded upstairs. The stairs creaked loudly in the quiet house.

Ray stopped before I went into the spare room that I had been calling my own over several weeks. "Benny," he stage whispered. "Did you have a nice time?"

"Ray, I always have a nice time with you." I took a step closer. "And please don't feel obligated to spend a lot a money on me, Ray. It doesn't matter what we do, as long as we're together. Pizza and beer is just as nice."

Ray's face lit up with the brightest smile I'd ever seen. "Really?"

"Really. `Night, Ray." I smiled back.

"Night, Benny." But Ray stood rooted to the spot, gazing at me. I entered my room. I finally heard his footfalls and his door open and close several beats after I gently closed my door. I stood leaning against the door for a few moments, contemplating the question of exactly at what moment had Ray Vecchio fallen in love with me.

Finis