Benny & Ray 84 Journal Dee Gilles Rated G

Saturday June 12 9:00 p.m.

This morning we had Carolina baptized in the rose garden on the grounds of the church. Roses of every conceivable shade were in full bloom, interspersed between brick walkways and high wrought-iron fences. It was a pleasant 80 degrees out, and we were blessed with a brilliant fair- weather blue sky. Francesca had done Carolina's hair up in tiny pink bows, but her hair, though full, was so silky that the satin ribbons only slid off during the course of the morning activities. I found one floating in the fountain later in the day. My daughter blinked in the strong sunlight as I held her in my arms, locks of curly hair falling over my arm as I rocked her gently to keep her pacified. She wore Francesca's christening gown, which Ma had beautifully preserved.

Ray and I stood elbow to elbow as Father Behan delivered the blessing and benediction. Fran stood to my right as godmother and Tony to Ray's left as godfather. Thankfully, she was quiet throughout the entire short ceremony, if not somewhat "squirmy", as Ray would say.

And afterwards, we had a lovely little luncheon in the rose garden. We had fourteen people in attendance, and received some lovely gifts from our various friends and family. Mostly, it was money for her college fund, some clothes and stuffed animals. Rosalie Russo was kind enough to give a gift to me and Ray; gift certificates for a movie and dinner. And she offered to baby sit when we went out on our "date", or any time we needed her. She kissed us both, smiling. When Rosalie smiled, she looked so much like her sister Valerie. I had felt a small stab of pain in my gut as I wished that Valerie could be here to see our baby.

I have been so busy, preoccupied, that I have not even had the time to make an entry lately. Francesca's maternity leave flew by quickly, and she went back to her own home, sobbing as though she'd never see the child again. I did my best to assure Francesca she would have as much quality time and input in our child's raising as she desired.

We had had a private conversation at 2 a.m. a few nights after we brought Carolina home. We had both arisen at the same time to attend to Carolina's cries, and we nearly bumped into one another in the dark. After she was fed, she quickly went back to sleep. I finally broached the topic that had been on my mind for a while.

Because it was somewhat of an awkward situation, I think Ray, Fran, and I had put off having the conversation about how Carolina would address us when the time came. Our baby's birth certificate stated that Francesca was her mother and I her father, but in those quiet, early morning hours, we thought it best that Carolina address Francesca as "Aunt" for the time being. We would explain the situation when she was old enough to understand, and allow her to call her "Mother" if she chose.

Ma, Tony, Maria, and the children decided to hold a "naming contest" for Ray and me. Each child picked a name for what we should be called, and the adults selected winners from the list of candidates. Thus Ray ended up "Popsy",(Roseanna's choice) and I am called "Dad"(almost everyone's).

When Francesca returned to work, I went out on family leave, and have been enjoying my stay at home immensely. The days have flown by. My simplest, most joyful pleasure has been walking Carolina and Pearson through the neighborhood, enjoying the morning sunshine, or even a light spring shower or two. We go to the park and visit with the other parents. I usually point out the various trees and shrubs that are in bloom along the way.

Too soon, my time at home will be drawing to an end. As much as I have tried to configure the budget so that I could stay home for a full year, the math simply wasn't adding up, and I am forced to return to work much sooner than I care to. At times like these, I keenly miss Canada, where a parent is entitled to a full year of leave. I truly understand why American children are so maladjusted so early; there's hardly any time to bond. Now Ray and I are being forced to consider daycare, but Ray is doing his best to try to find a family member to take Carolina before we are forced to put her up with stranger, as I am feeling a great deal of anxiety over the prospect.

Part of me still cannot believe that she is ours. Some mornings I wake up, and forget momentarily that she is there- unless her cry wakes me. And what a cry she has! Ray swears she will be an opera singer one day, judging from her lung capacity.

Our days naturally fell into a certain different rhythm once Francesca returned to her own home. For the most part, I am the one to feed, change, and comfort her when she cries. I should not be surprised. I remember that was how it was when Ray and I took care of baby Jamie a decade ago. Who would have thought that I would be the one with the most "maternal" instinct? And Pearson is just as protective of our baby as Dief was with Jamie.

I don't mind being the primary caregiver. I love holding my daughter in my arms, feeding her a bottle. As soon as her mouth latches on to the nipple, her eyes lock on to mine, and I automatically smile. I find myself cooing to her in French, in English, and on occasion, Inuktitut, although I probably should not complicate things with the Inuktitut. Fact is, our girl will be spending little time in the far north, so she has little use for the language. What a different sort of life she will have from mine.

I have been considering letting go of Dad's cabin. It has been ages since we have been to Yellowknife, I'm afraid, and it does cost money to maintain even a vacant house, and we could certainly use the money. It's something I have been meaning to discuss with Ray, but I've been putting it off, because once I say it out loud, that means I'm committed .

A few days after bringing home Carolina, Ray ended up purchasing a 2002 Ford Explorer from Fischer Ford. I was really surprised, as I didn't think there was anything wrong with the LaSabre, even though it was a bit "long of tooth". But Ray wanted a much safer vehicle for Carolina's sake, and I will say that the Explorer is built like a tank, and is one of the top-rated safety vehicles in our price range. Damon evidently made Ray quite a deal; he in fact sold it to him below cost. Even so, it was still an unexpected expense at a time when we need to watch every penny. I am not angry about it; I only wish he had told me.

Damon and Francesca are madly in love. Francesca is transformed. She positively glows with a blissful, far-away look in her eyes. Damon reminds me of myself in physical appearance. I'm not even sure if Francesca is even conscious of the fact that her last three "love interests" have all been physically similar. I'm not sure if all three of us fit into this preconceived image that Francesca has of her "ideal man", or if Wilhelm Weber and Damon Fischer were substitutes for me. In any case, there seems to be a genuine affection and passion between the two of them.

The young man stands at 5'6" by my estimate, is in excellent physical condition, and even wears a jacket and tie to Sunday dinner. He is extremely good-natured, and is very good to Francesca. I like him very much. I'm glad the two of them found each other. Since her last divorce, I hadn't known Francesca to date very much, despite all her forwardness and flirting. I think the experience with Mr. Weber made her a bit gun shy.

I can hear Carolina in the next room stirring from her nap. She is starting to make what Ray calls "quacking noises", vocalizations she makes before she launches herself into a full-bloom wail.

Friday June 18 9:15 p.m.

Fran and Damon announced their engagement to be married this evening.

We had just come from Raphy's graduation, and held a small family party for him in the early evening. We kept it short because Raphy had chosen to celebrate with his large group of friends rather than spend the entire evening with his family, which certainly was his right. He had a lot of people to say good-bye to. Raphy has chosen to go to University of Nevada at Los Vegas in the fall, so unlike many of his friends, he has a lot of travel in his future. I am so proud of Raphy. I should like to think I had some small part in his good upbringing and education. He would spend one final summer at home, and in only two months time, he will be leaving us.

His older brother David said he was thinking of joining him out there. David has been floundering around a bit with regard to choice of career. His is indecisive and seems to lack passion for one thing or another. Ray was glad to see his interest of a career in law enforcement wane. David in the past year, has worked at Macy's, has waited tables at Giordano's, and has worked at the paint store. Now his latest consideration was that he might go work in Las Vegas as a dealer. When he told Maria this, she had only rolled her eyes.

Paul is doing well in his duties. Although still wait-listed for the K-9 Division, Paul had received some kudos from various supervisors and trainers as one of the most promising rookies of his class. He had only attended the party for a short while before he had to excuse himself- he has the early shift in the morning.

It was a warm night out tonight, so we held a barbecue in the back yard. There was too much to eat, and far too much to drink. There were lots of desserts. Ray and I were able to sit and enjoy some adult company while Carolina slept in her portable bassinet with her cousin Marissa upstairs.

I was anticipating her awaking at any moment though, ravenous, so I had arisen to head to the kitchen to start a bottle of formula. Before I could move from the table, however, Damon said he had an announcement to make. Clearing his throat, he pulled a tiny velvet box from the breast pocket of his jacket and ceremoniously placed it on the finger of his beautiful fiance. I think we all kind of collectively held our breath, thinking of "The Vegas Incident", which really wasn't that long ago. Francesca evidently picked up on our skepticism and assured us with a "Don't worry. It's going to be a LONG engagement!"

From there, everything erupted with noise and movement as everyone rushed the couple. I glanced over at Ray and saw him beaming from ear to ear. Even Ray liked Damon.

I congratulated the bride and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Just as I anticipated, our Carolina, or as Ray has nicknamed her, Carie, began to cry; I could hear her through several layers of doors, walls, and windows, and was moving before she finished her first cry. Ray, evidently not hearing her, looked at me strangely when I abruptly stood. I made a beeline for upstairs.

I retrieved my daughter from upstairs after checking and making sure Marissa was still sleeping, and then brought her outside with us. Ray had a bottle of Similac waiting when I returned. Carie immediately settled down for a long haul once I put the nipple in her mouth.

Everyone agreed that Carie was looking more and more like Francesca every day, but Ray swears she has my lips. After she was fed, she was alert and active, and regaled in all the attention as she was passed from person to person among the small party. She just ate it all up. Finally, Ray took her from Ma and passed her back to me, suggesting we get going.

I was eager to. We made our way home after congratulating Raphy once more. I was hoping to get Carie back to sleep quickly once at home and in quiet surroundings, so that Ray and I would have some time to ourselves to make love. I love Carolina more deeply than I could have ever imagined, but she has a way of demanding attention at the most inopportune times. It disrupted Ray and my schedule- which really wasn't much of a schedule, rather it was more of an "anytime, anywhere" method of making love. I'm afraid the days of Ray just bending me over the kitchen sink, or the two of us dropping to the living room floor are over.

Carie proved to be a little keyed-up this evening and it took a while to get her to sleep. By the time I put her down, Ray had settled on the couch and was watching one of the Clint Eastwood "Dirty Harry" movies and evidently didn't want to be bothered, which I was greatly annoyed at. I am annoyed with him mostly because he seems annoyed with me. I hadn't done the usual things to get on his nerves today, so I don't know what his problem is, and I'm too tired to coax it out of him; I was up at 4;30 this morning with Carie.

I'm going to bed. Let him watch his movie by himself.

FINIS