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Benny & Ray 89 In Boystown Dee Gilles Rated PG

North Halsted Street was packed. Why wouldn't it be? It was a stunningly beautiful June day in one of the finest cities in the world. And it was Gay Pride Day. The parade was in full swing. There were big colorful floats everywhere, and flamboyant costumes like you'd only see at Carnivale. The streets and sidewalks overflowed with twinks, bears, and leather daddies from all walks of life. There were the usual drag queens, trannies, and beautifully-sculpted Chelsea boys with their exposed six-pack abs, but there were a lot of couples with babies and little kids, too. God only knows what the kids thought of these shenanigans.

I strolled down the street, just taking everything and everybody in. One couple in particular caught my eye. They were both nice-looking in their own way. One guy was kind of built, and the other was tall and slim. They had a kid in a stroller. It made me think of Ray and his boyfriend. I'd heard through his sister Maria that they'd had a kid a few months back. Seemed to be all the rage these days. I knew about six or seven couples, queers and dykes, who had had babies in the past couple of years. Breeders. Go figure.

I hadn't seen Ray in ages. I called him on his cell phone every once in a while, just to say `hello'. If Ray were alone, he'd chat for a while, but I could always tell when Ben was in earshot, because Ray kept the conversations short.

I was so scared when Ray had gotten sick. It was unreal. Like a lot of other queers, I'd lost a few friends to AIDS back in the late eighties and early nineties. Grief was a feeling I couldn't get used to, no matter how many times I had to endure it. And when I found out Ray had cancer...well, it was just intolerable. Ray's my oldest friend in the entire world. To lose him...it was just inconceivable.

I always kind of saw me and Ray hooking up on a permanent basis. I'd been in love with him practically my whole life. He was willing to fool around, sure, but he made it really clear without explicitly saying it that he didn't want to be in a gay relationship. Or so I thought. And then this Ben Fraser comes along, and it changes everything. So I guess what Ray was really saying was that he did want a gay relationship; he just didn't want one with me.

And so I got on as best as I could. I consoled myself with Silvio, and that was good for a long time. And then there was Andreas, and then Johnny O., and then Patrick, each one lasting only a couple months. And then I was just a total slut for the longest time, hanging out in the Boystown bars and getting into the Rough Trade until I'd done just about every dude this side of Lake Michigan--twice.

And then finally, I met Bruno last Thanksgiving. I did my one charitable thing I do in my mostly selfish life by cooking up and serving Thanksgiving dinner to all the poor kids who were living at the gay house. They had all been frozen out or outright kicked out of their homes when they came out to their families, so a lot of them ended up at St. Tarcissus House, and kind of made their own family life there. Bruno Massimiliano, a social worker by trade, was the new director and chief financial officer there, and was fresh from Gay Utopia, San Francisco, when I met him. Bruno was a poster boy for Gay Pride and "Act Up", and he had taken up his new duties with gusto.

Bruno and I ended up staying there late and talking as we cleaned and put leftover food away. And we've been talking ever since. Normally I went for the bad-boy type, but Bruno wasn't that. So maybe it will last this time. Maybe we have a chance.

In some ways, Bruno is a lot like Ray. He has fire in his eyes and a smart mouth. He has passion and good hands. But Bruno was no Ray.

Bruno's passion proved to be contagious. I had spent all spring helping him raise the money to build a float for St. T's house. In fact, Bruno and some of the kids just went by in their "Wizard of Oz"-themed float a few minutes ago. Our eyes locked and we waved to one another. I blew him a kiss.

Bruno had wanted me to be on the float too, since I'd helped raise the funds as well as contributed, but I wanted to work the crowd from the sidewalks. I loved the parade and hadn't missed one since I came out in 1982. I'd run into a lot of friends that I hadn't seen since last year's parade; it was like Old Home Week.

I'd already run into Dimitri, one of my best friends from my first job in the loop. We talked a lot on the phone, but didn't get to see each other that much these days. She was one of the many straight women who liked to hang out at events like this. A fag hag extraordinaire, she was on the prowl today, looking for more gay boys to add to her collection. They used to call us "Will and Grace", we used to be so tight. I was looking forward to seeing her at the White Party tonight and reconnecting. Plus, I'd get to introduce her to Bruno. I was dying to know what she thought of him.

Today so far, I've already seen Mike P, Scott, Justin, Jake, and Boystown's favorite reigning gay couple, Gary and Larry. I'd even run into my ex, Silvio, and his new boyfriend, too. Talk about awkward. But it was bound to happen eventually, so I'm kind of glad I got it over with. I just wished Bruno was with me so I could show him off. Bruno's pretty hot. Hotter than Silvio, even.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder as I strolled down the street, alternating between watching the crowds and window-shopping the boutiques.

Well, if it wasn't everybody's good-time Charlie. "Hey, Buck!" I said. I liked Buck. I let him saddle me one night, right in the back of a '73 Pinto, in an alley behind Arrigo Park. We had that little car rocking so much that I'm surprised we didn't set off every car alarm in a ten-yard radius. The pre-AIDS years...ah, those were the days!

"Hey yourself," he said, with a quick and utterly charming smile. As usual, he was surrounded by a gaggle of boys at least ten and twenty years his junior. Oh, they just keep getting younger, don't they, Buck? Buck was hot for a 40-year old, and so hopelessly shallow that it was delicious; he hadn't changed in the decade I'd known him.

"You comin' to our party after, right?"

"Oh, you know it," he said. He had his arm around two of the youngest boys.

Buck was the Hugh Hefner of gays. All the boys were blond clones. "And bring your pretty boys, too," I said, eyeing them. "The more, the merrier."

He flashed me a little wink. "We'll be there--with bells on."

I resumed my walk. And speaking of pretty boys, here was one more, now.

Ben Fraser sat astride a handsome horse, at parade rest, near the corner of Halsted and Broadway. His tartan cap was pulled a little low over his forehead, to shade out the strong summer sun. Even with his face partially obscured, he was a gorgeous, gorgeous thing. He was being ogled by every boy within viewing distance, but he was totally oblivious to this fact.

I made my way toward him. I didn't think he'd remember who I was, as we'd only met once before, a couple of years ago when Ray got sick and I came over to the house with a basket of Italian sweets. But, I thought I'd at least say `hello', if only in the spirit of gay brotherhood if nothing else.

"Excuse me!" I called. "Benton Fraser!"

He turned his head with a smile that quickly faded as soon as he recognized me. Well. Ouch. He then plastered on a fake, tight little smile.

"Hello, Mr. DeBenedetto," he said.

I smiled and looked behind and around me. "Is my father here?" I joked. "Tommy. Please."

"Tommy," he nodded.

"How are you, Ben?"

"I'm well."

"I'd heard you'd joined the force. Congratulations."

"Thank you." He offered nothing, only gazed at me and neutrally waited, probably wondering what the hell I wanted.

I stuck my hands in my back pocket and casually leaned back. "I ran into Maria a while back. She told me that you and Ray had a little girl. Kudos again."

"I appreciate that."

I figured I'd go ahead and address the `white elephant in the room' and get it over with. "So, how is Ray, anyway?"

Ben gave me a genuine smile this time. "Ray is doing rather well, thank you. His health is good, he's up for a promotion to lieutenant, and we are planning a vacation for the end of the summer. Thank you." His tone seemed a little boastful, and his statement so...final. Whatever I was planning on saying next just kind of died on the tip of my tongue; he had just shut me right down.

I couldn't help but feel a tinge of envy at Ben's words. I mean, these two so had it together. Ben was living the life that I should have been living. "That's great," I said. "Just great. You'll tell Ray I said `hello', won't you?"

"Of course."

"All right, then. Guess I'll see you around."

He nodded at me curtly, and I turned to go.

It didn't feel right, though. I couldn't just leave things like that. I mean, this was Ray's lover and I needed for us to be cool with each other, for Ray's sake. I turned back around, and caught and him gazing at me with a thoughtful look on his face. "So, uh....look. My boyfriend and I are hosting a White Party tonight at my place."

"A white party?"

"You know. You wear your finest summer whites,"

"Ah."

"So, anyway, a lot of the gay community leaders will be there, and we do a little fundraising for AIDS and other causes, but mostly we just kick back and have a good time , too. They'll be a lot of good food and drink and talk... I wondered if maybe you and Ray would like to come by."

I watched Ben's whole expression change. His face went positively slack and his eyes widened. I totally surprised him, I thought with some sense of triumph. "That sound really nice, but Ray's working tonight, and..." he shook his head slightly.

"What time's he get off?"

"He's usually home by nine-thirty."

"Oh, it'll just be gettin' good by then."

"And then there's the baby. I mean, we'd have to get a sitter with no notice, and..."

"Hey, it's fine. Just thought I'd ask."

"Thank you."

"You could come by yourself, too, if you wanted. What time do you finish your shift?"

"Six o'clock."

"Why don't you come by for a quick drink? Meet my boyfriend. He's a good guy."

"I don't think so," he said, clearly reluctant.

"Ray wouldn't mind, you know. Call him and ask him."

He looked off in the distance, his eyes scanning the crowd as shrugged in a non-committal way, or perhaps it was a gentle way of saying `no' without him having to say `no'. He was clearly uncomfortable, in any case.

I stood there for a moment watching him avoid eye contact. "Listen," I said. "Don't you and Ray ever hang out with other gay people, other couples?"

He turned back to me and leaned down a little bit, pitching forward. I moved closer to him. "No," Ben said in a low voice. "Ray's...not comfortable with...."

"Hanging out with fags? He still doesn't get it." I shook my head at that one. Ray was what we called `Post Gay' these days. Gay, but he didn't want to associate with other gays; didn't like the club scene or fashion, musicals and all those other gay trappings. A lot of hardcore queers resented people like him. Ray and people like him got to enjoy being gay, but never had to pay for it in the form of verbal insults, workplace discrimination, or even a beer bottle to the back of the head on a Friday night.

But hey, that's not how I felt. I mean, that's what the movement had been about, right, back in the day? Fighting the fight so the rest of us would have it a little easier.

Fine, if he didn't want to sing show tunes and join the Judy Garland fan club. I get that. But to totally not associate at all with of The Family, well, that was just living a life of denial, maybe even self-loathing, and that I didn't get.

"Well, listen," I said to Ben. "Don't be a stranger. Either one of you. You can call me sometime, if you want. If you need somebody to talk to. About anything. Really. About Ray...or about gay-friendly places to go on vacation, or just where to eat around town- I know Boystown like the back of my hand. You know, Ben? And, and, and--I'm sorry about that thing that happened, with me and Ray. I mean, that'll never happen again. I mean, it shouldn't have happened then, and I'm sorry..." Okay Tommy, shut up. You're blathering.

"Thank you kindly, Tommy. I appreciate that."

"Okay. Well. See you."

"Take care."

"And if you change your mind about coming over tonight, with or without Ray, well, the door's open."

"Thank you."

"Okay. Okay, see you." Oh, Tommy why do you always end up sounding like an idiot? I turned around and started walking back toward Halsted, back into Boystown.

FINIS