Author's Notes: Correct file for B&R91!

Benny & Ray 91 Journal Dee Gilles Rated G

Monday August 3 10:00 pm

My first day as a detective at the 27th felt both nostalgic and familiar, as one feels when one returns home after a long absence, and at the same time, foreign and unsettling. I found myself rather anxious with anticipation driving in, and excited. Today was an orientation day that mostly consisted of paperwork and getting acquainted with new faces and getting reacquainted with familiar faces. The past, present, and future seemed to converge around me, through me, today.

I was pleased to see that the bullpen has changed very little since Ray left. Dewey and Donald are still partners. I realized I hadn't seen either of them since our embarrassing encounter at the International House of Pancakes a couple of summers ago. Fortunately, the incident did not come up during the course of the day.

I inquired of Dewey if he ever heard from his old partner Jack Huey, and he told me that they had gone out for drinks last month, and that Jack was doing quite well. He was satisfied with the course of his career, and was still with his lady friend Jan. Jack is taking her later this month to Trinidad to finally meet his parents and also, they had decided to extend the trip to include Venezuela and Guyana as well, to visit with Jack's other friends and family. I am envious of Jack. I wish that Ray and I had the time and finances to travel more. While I certainly have traveled extensively throughout Canada, other than my trip to Ecuador with Hugh and to a few spots in the States, I am not well-traveled, which is one of the regrets of my life. The other night in bed, Ray did mention taking me to Italy one day, perhaps for our-ten year anniversary. I also said that I might like to go to Scotland, to Inverness; to become acquainted with the many members of Clan Fraser still entrenched in the area. Before migrating to the Highlands, my people came from France, so I have an abiding interest in that part of Europe as well. Additionally, I would like to see England and Wales.

Micky Doyle now has another partner, a young lady I am more than a little familiar with by the name of Elaine Besbriss-Franklin. It was so wonderful to see her again. I am ashamed to admit that we have not communicated in many months, as we have both been busy with our children and other aspects of our life. She showed me pictures of young Evan, and I shared my photo of Carie. When Carie is older, we thought we might bring them together for "play dates" as they are called these days.

In an odd twist of fate, my new partner is to be Stanley Kowalski. We have crossed paths before. Stanley and Ray once got into a bar fight after Stanley made a derogatory comment regarding Ray's sexual orientation. We have encountered each other after that and have done our best to let bygones by bygones, but I do still resent that, just a little, though I tried my best not to let it show today. I can't say that I have really warmed up to him or him to me today, but I suppose these kinds of things take time. Ray and I struck up a nearly immediate friendship once I arrived in Chicago, but over the years I have learned what an extraordinarily rare thing that is. We had declared one another our best friend after having known each other for just a month. We were hardly out of each other's presence once I returned to Chicago after Gerrard's hearing. I have to smile, even after all these years, of flying back to Chicago, to Ray, wearing his blue shirt that still smelled of his cologne.

And it was also wonderful to see Margarita Gamez as well. Marg tells me that Mario is doing extremely well at Clemson, and is enjoying a slower-paced way of life in South Carolina. He was enjoying the environment so much that he is thinking of switching his major course of study from Industrial Engineering to Forestry after having spent most of the summer hiking with friends the Appalachian Trail in Georgia and North Carolina before finally returning home to spend August with his family. The rest of the Gamez siblings are all doing quite well also, I am happy to hear. Marg's eldest daughter will soon be returning to their native El Salvador to teach in the public schools there, and Marg is both saddened and extremely proud that her daughter has chosen to give back to her home country.

And lastly, I was thrilled to spend most of the latter part of the day with Lt. Welsh. He took me upstairs to Captain Miller's office, where she welcomed me with open arms. I found this surprising, as I had the impression that the woman never cared for me. He also took me to meet with Chief Silva, who it seems I owe a debt of gratitude to, for (1) fast-tracking me to detective ahead of many others who have seniority, and (2) getting me assigned to my old home at the 27.

The only spoiler to the day was that I wished for a few moments that Ray was still here, and we could be partners again, official partners. Looking back, I realized that Ray and I actually had fun together, even though we were tackling some very serious crimes. I miss those days. It was easier, back then.

I also realized just how much of Ray's cases he must have kept from me, after sitting with Stan and reviewing his open cases. I am surprised again and again at how protective Ray was and still is of me. I am slightly offended, and deeply moved.

Stanley has some thirty-one open cases, many of which were murders, rapes, and aggravated assaults. Micky and Elaine had twenty-two, a manageable number, and Dewey and Donald, the most seasoned and proficient of the detectives have only fifteen, however eight of those fifteen cases are murders. There was going to be a lot of work waiting for me once I settled down into the daily routine.

But I wasn't quite there yet. There is a lot of training and observation to be done. Chief Silva is sending me to Detroit tomorrow, for an intensive five-day seminar on general crime scene management, and shortly after my return, I will be traveling to Eau Claire Wisconsin for a course in domestic terrorism investigation and then finally, there is yet another course; the Reid technique of interviewing and interrogation that I am expected to complete in Columbus Ohio, which will fall the same weekend of Ray's birthday, a fact I'm sure he will be less than thrilled about.

All other training that I need I can complete in or around the Chicago area, thankfully. I spoke to Ray about my travel plans on his dinner break tonight, and predictably, he was annoyed. We had plans to go to the Cubs game on Saturday. We have not been to a game together in the past two years, and I know Ray was really looking forward to it, as was I. He understood, but I could hear the disappointment in his voice.

I am sorry to say that I will be away in Eau Claire when Tony and Maria drive Raphy to UNLV. Raphy is terribly excited. We have been trying to provide him with a little extra expense money by having him baby sit Carie from time to time, or by giving him various errands that neither Ray nor I have time to do. We took him to Wal-Mart on Saturday so that he could purchase his own bedding and other dorm supplies and he was beaming from ear-to-ear. But this is also a sad time. Ray tells me that as the time draws closer, Maria is becoming depressed; her baby boy is leaving her, unlike Paul and David, to live half way across the country and it is not sitting too well with her. Well, what can one do? That is life. I will miss him, too.

Thursday August 6 8:15 pm

Classes were good today, very intense. I've met some interesting people from the local force, as well as many others from police departments throughout the Midwest. I've found that my time working with Ray in the past has been tremendously helpful, as most of the techniques and procedures I am quite familiar with already. I've done my reading for the evening and had some dinner with Andrew Ellis, a fellow detective from Gary and Albert Yates from Oshkosh Wisconsin.

The room is quiet, but there is much noise in the area. I hear footsteps and loud voices in the hallway, sirens, car horns and various other city noises. The air conditioning is so extremely loud that I can't sleep with it on, so I sit here in 85 degree heat and humidity, sweating it out. There is a small outdoor pool, and some of the officers have opted for a nighttime swim, but I saw the pool in the afternoon sun yesterday and it didn't look especially clean. Perhaps I'll take a cold shower instead.

I miss Ray and Carie. It was strange to leave them, to load up the car and drive away without them. I realized shortly into the five hour drive that I had not taken a road trip without Ray since arriving in the States. And this was my first extended trip away from Carie. I missed her sour milk smell. I called first thing in the morning and each night. I could hear Carie babbling when I spoke to Ray this evening. She was almost shouting.

I cannot wait to return home on Sunday. I know Carie is too young to miss me, but I feel terribly guilty being away from her.

Saturday August 8 6:15 pm.

I am furious with Ray today. When I called yesterday, I asked about Carie, and he told me that he had taken my daughter to the house and left her there, as though she were a piece of furniture. It's not that I mind where she is. I knew she is being looked after. It's just that Ray had the weekend off and wanted to get rid of her so he could have some "peace and quiet". As though she were a bother. I was a little too sharp with him than I meant to be. I supposed I was hot and exhausted and irritable. But I was hugely aggravated. I was hoping the good that would come out of my being away this weekend was that he and she would bond a little better, but Ray threw his opportunity away. Ray picked up my tone and immediately bounced on me, and from there, the conversation quickly spun out of control. I don't think I'll ever get used to Ray's hair-trigger temper. For the most part, I ignore his outbursts, but sometimes he is so confrontational he's impossible to ignore.

I don't know about Ray's skill or desire to parent sometimes. I worry about what he will impart to Carie regarding manners and etiquette and proper respect for authority. I know Ray has a good heart. It's just that his behavior is easily misconstrued by the very young.

It is a matter that will need to be addressed at some point. Hopefully later than sooner.

Sunday August 9 9:13 pm

Home at last. I arrived in Chicago a few minutes after six, and drove straight to Ma's. Raphy and Marissa were playing `peek-a-boo' with Carie and she was having the time of her life. I had dinner with Ray, Carie and the rest of the family. I said my good-byes to Raphy. We hugged one another and I got a little misty-eyed, much to my embarrassment. I wished him the best of luck with his course of studies and told him I looked forward to seeing him at Christmas. I realized suddenly that Raphy and I were eye to eye when we spoke. I don't know when he got so tall.

Carie fell asleep on the short drive home, and I carried her from the car. Ray carried my luggage. We made love and all was forgiven. We have not done it in two weeks. I asked for seconds after I had a shower. Ray and I need to talk, but not tonight.

FINIS