Benny & Ray 95 Bad Day Dee Gilles Rated R

It's ten o'clock and I been calling Benny on and off most of the night. I know his cell phone is on; it's gotta be when he's on duty. But he's blowing me off. At least I know he's safe. That's an improvement over earlier tonight. I had gotten so nervous that I had to call Welsh to find out if anybody had heard from Benny. Made sure he hadn't gotten jumped, or worse yet, taken a bullet. It was my worst fear.

Welsh reached Stanley on his cell phone right away. Welsh told me that Stanley said Benny was fine, just knee deep in a criminal investigation. I left a message for him to call home. After an hour, he still hadn't called. So I got aggravated and called him to find out what the hell was going on. Stanley picked up his phone. I hung up. I didn't want to talk to that jackass. I wanted to talk Benny. It was Benny's voice I wanted to hear.

Carie's still awake at this late hour. She's awake--crying for no good reason. I fed her. I changed her smelly diaper. I gave her binky after binky and she spit each of them out after a few minutes. There were about three or four of them all over the place, probably to never see the light of day again. I thought one rolled underneath the fridge, but damned if I could see it when I got on my hands and knees and looked under there.

I did find the lid to the milk jug while I was under there, though-- The cap I searched for for ten minutes this morning. Don't know if the dog or the baby was responsible for that one. Carie was all over the place these days; she was walking and getting into everything. Well, Pearson certainly loved her for it. She thought Carie was another dog, and those two could entertain each other for a long time, rolling around on the floor and chasing each other. They were best friends.

But not tonight. Carie was screaming and Pearson was hiding from her. She kept saying "Da! Da!"--her name for Benny. I mean she was mad. Red-faced and mad at me. And I was mad at myself. I didn't know what the kid wanted and she knew it. Kid's not even a year old yet, and she already thinks I'm a bad father.

So all I could do was walk the floor with her. It didn't help much. Even tried making the puffin face. She was not amused.

Carie finally stopped screaming and settled for a miserable whiny, sob. Yeah, kid, I know the feeling. I tried Benny's phone one more time. I hung up when his voice mail picked up.

Sighing, I took her to her room, and I sat down in the glider, settling her in my lap. I grabbed the Dr. Seuss book that was on the bedside table and began to read to her. I don't even know which one it was, since the front cover had been ripped off. Did it make a difference anyway? Benny had bought'em all; "Green Eggs and Ham", "Horton Hears a Who", "The Cat in the Hat", "If I Ran a Zoo." Personally, I think Dr. Seuss was on drugs when he wrote this stuff.

So I read. She finally settled down to an occasional snuffle after I read "The Cat in the Hat" about six times. And then I had to read "Horton" three or four times. And Jesus, then it was back to the "Cat in the Hat" again. I'm going to throw the book away first chance I get.

At least she got quiet. I relaxed a little bit. In fact, started to drowse. I put my head back and closed my eyes, hugging Carie to me. She settled against my chest, her warm little body making me feel warm. I began to glide, lulling us both to sleep.

I heard a key in the door, and instantly came awake. I was on my feet and had made it to the door, baby in hand, by the time Benny stepped through.

"It's about time! What the--

Benny looked bad. He looked pale and his mouth was pinched tight. His shoulders were slumped. "Are you okay, Benny?"

"Da!" Carie cried. She had perked up too, as soon as I stood up. "Dada! Dada!"

Benny held out his arms and I gladly surrendered her. He gave her a kiss, and just kind of stood there with her in his arms for a moment, cradling her. He gently took the back of her head, and laid her face against his. "Hi, baby," he said softly.

"Hi, Dada." She said it so casually I had to smile.

"What's she still doing up, Ray? It's past eleven."

"May I have a kiss, too?" I asked. Benny gave me a dry peck. "I couldn't get her to sleep," I said. "She's been cranky all night."

"Did you give her the cold pacifier?"

"What?"

"I left two in the refrigerator."

"What for?"

"Ray. I told you she was teething."

"You did? When?"

"Yesterday. When I said `Ray, I'm putting two pacifiers in the refrigerator to chill because Carie's teething and her gums are hurting her. If that doesn't work, then there's Orajel in the medicine cabinet.'"

"I must not have heard you."

"Yes, you did. You said, `Fine, Benny."

"Oh."

"You don't listen to me."

"Yes, I do."

"Then, why is she still up? I told you--

On cue, the baby began to cry again. Benny stuck his pinky in her mouth, which she immediately clamped down on and sucked. He headed for the kitchen. I followed him like a dog with his tail between his legs. He removed his pinky from Carie's mouth and grabbed a chilled binky from a plastic cup from the fridge.

Instead of sticking it in her mouth, he silently handed it to me. "Here," he said impatiently. He thrust binky and then baby toward me.

I followed him with Carie as he pulled off overcoat, jacket and tie as he walked toward the bedroom. He dumped the clothing, toed out of his shoes and collapsed on the bed.

I realized again how bad Benny looked. "You sick, babe?"

"I've had an upset stomach all day."

"Something you ate, maybe?"

"Don't know." He curled on his side and closed his eyes.

"Whydn'cha pick up my call tonight? Didn't you see it was me?"

Benny kinda shrugged without opening his eyes.

"I'm sorry. Was I bothering you or something?"

"No, Ray. It's just that I was busy."

"Benny. You coulda told me that. I mean, I get home. You're not here. What was I supposed to think? I had to go and pick up Carie--

"She's your responsibility, too, Ray."

"I know that, Benny. I'm just trying to tell you I was worried about you, that's all. Just call me and let me know what's going on next time. That's all."

"Fine, Ray." As I was talking to him, he had rolled so that his back was toward me.

"I'm going to go and put her down." Carie's head had fallen into my neck. Don't know if the cold binky was soothing her, or if she was finally worn out from fighting sleep all night, or both.

I took her to her room, got her changed into her little red long johns, and turned off the light. I kissed her little head.

I went back to Benny. He hadn't moved at all. He was so still I thought he had fallen asleep.

I put my hand on his shoulder and he turned toward me. "What's going on, Benny? Are you mad at me?"

"No, Ray. I just had a bad day."

"Tell me."

"Ray. I'm not ready to talk about it."

"Please don't shut me out, Benny."

"I'm not trying to. I just. I just want to forget for five minutes. Can we change the topic, please?"

"Alright, Benny." I got ready for bed, changing into my pajamas. I hung up the clothes Benny had dumped on the chair when he came in. Then I went to his chest of drawers, and pulled out his flannel pajamas. I'd gotten him a pair for Christmas, and he actually wore them for me from time to time. "Here. Sit up," I said. I undressed him and put him in his pajamas. He was as limp as a rag doll. "Your sister called today," I said. "Carie talked to her."

"Oh, yeah?" Benny asked with some amusement.

"Well, she said `hi' and `bye'."

Ben chuckled. "How is Maggie?"

"She's doing good. I told her that she needs to come and see her niece. Been a long time since we've seen her."

Ben grunted softly.

I indicated the shirt and pants I'd just removed. "Want these in the dry-clean pile?"

"Please."

I disposed of the clothing, stowing the shoes also. "You want somethin' to eat? Soup and crackers, maybe?"

"I don't think I can hold anything down right now, Ray. Thank you."

"What can I do for you, Benny?"

"Nothing more." We both climbed under the covers.

I held my arms out to him. "Come here."

He came to me and I rubbed his back for a long while. His breathing sounded a little labored, like he just climbed a flight of steps.

"Ray."

"Mmmm?"

"That girl. The one that's been missing? Stan and I found her."

I stopped rubbing his back. "How bad?"

"The man across the street. She was in his basement. The body was hanging from a meat hook." Benny exhaled.

"Dio mio, Benny! Fuck! Mother of God." I squeezed him to me then, tight.

"I don't understand how anybody could do something like that to a little girl. She was twelve years old, Ray! Twelve!"

No wonder his stomach was so upset. I sighed in understanding. Yeah, been through it all, Benny. That and worst.

The anguish, the agony in Benny's voice was plain. There was nothing I could say to make him feel better. What could I say? Oh, Benny, I told you there'd be days like this. There would be times like this. It wasn't all about purse snatchers and liquor store hold-ups.

So I didn't say anything. Benny cried. And I just held on to him. That's all I could do.

FINIS