Disclaimer: I don't own these guys wish i did but ah well

Author's Notes: My first story i ever wrote all mistakes my own sorry i have faults.

Story Notes: set during letting go

What He Isn't Telling Me

It all happened so fast I saw Fraser running down the platform as the train pulled away. I watched as he reached out his hand then I saw it Victoria had a gun. I shouted she has a gun with that I fired, and then everything went from moving so fast to moving in slow motion as Benny stepped in front of Victoria as I fired. I watched as the bullet hit I couldn't believe it I shot Benny I shot him in the back. I watched as he fell from her grip onto the platform of the train station. I ran to his side he just starred up reciting something over and over, but I couldn't understand the words he was saying. Then the words came out of his mouth I should be with her.

I shouted get an ambulance but one was already on its way. As the paramedics raced to his side asking questions I couldn't answer them. He was put on oxygen and carefully placed on a gurney and into the ambulance. I rode in the ambulance with him as Detective Jack Hugey told me I was in no fit state to drive and took my keys from me. As we rode on our way to the hospital I watched as his colour turned grey I had never been so frightened in all my life.

We arrived at the hospital in no time running down the corridor to the examination room, once again questions. Is he a drug user No I said some more questions I answered them but don't remember them. Then one male nurse asked you next of kin I think you should inform his family, just before he disappeared from my sight my last words to him were I'll be right here Benny.

I was ushered into a privet waiting room soon joined by Lt Welsh and jack and Louis. The words kept going around in my head he has no family if anything happens there is no family God I said. It seemed like forever until a gentleman wearing green scrubs came into the waiting room, Detective Veccico yes that's me running over he took me aside and stared to speak. He began with Constable Fraser has you listed as his next of kin, when did he do that I asked oh the last time he was here. Oh my god I thought while putting my hand rubbing them on my head.

The surgeon began we've managed to stop the bleeding and we have made him as comfortable as possible for now, and the bullet I asked it's to close to the spine to risk taking it out. Will he be ok the next 24 hours are crucial if he makes it through that he should make a full recovery with that I asked can I see him. The surgeon said that a nurse would come get me as soon as he is settled shook my hand and left the room.

It hadn't escaped me all the blood on the surgeon's clothes I felt like getting sick. What had I done been going over in my mind? What did say what he said the others in room running to me asking me is he going to be ok?

I began the bullet is to close to the spine to risk taking it out and the next 24 hours are critical with that a nurse came in Detective Veccico yeah he ready now if you like to see him. As we walked down the hall to his room my heart was pounding so hard I could feel and hear it in my ears. The nurse was talking to me telling what expect when I went into the room. She explained that there was going to be a lot of machines, just monitoring him and just for tonight a breathing machine to take the strain off, so it will help him with the recovery. As we reached the door I said I'll be fine from here. I stood at the door taking a deep breath and went in.

The nurse had warned me but I wasn't really prepared for what I saw, machines everywhere there was hardly any space from them. So I went to the side of his bed looking down at all the tubes everywhere breathing tube coming out of his mouth. His colour on his face I'd never seen before and never want to see again. I sat beside his bed holding onto his hand, I know it's not a manly thing to do but Benny is my friend my brother. I'd come to think of him as my brother family.

I sat there for ages just listening to the sounds of the machines the steady beeping of the heart monitor the sound of the breathing machine helping him breathe. I'm so sorry Benny I said over and over. A nurse came into the room to check on him and insisted I go home and get some rest but I didn't want to leave but she said that I could pick up some stuff for Constable Fraser on my way in the morning and I'll call if there is any change. Reluctantly I left went home after picking up some of Fraser's clothes. As I lay on my bed it kept playing over in my head like it was a really bad dream. When I woke the next morning thinking that it was well that was till the phone rang.

It was the nurse my heart stopped, as she spoke she said that Constable Fraser has woken up and is off the breathing machine and breathing fine on his own. Let him know I'll be right there please yes she said no problem Detective she said. I hung up washed and changed and went straight there.

I got to the hospital room door and hesitated for a moment but he saw me through the window and beckoned me in. it's to see you Ray he said in a hoarse voice from having the breathing tube down his throat. Those words never sounded so great, great to see you to Benny. I did feel a sense of unease as I sat beside him for the next few weeks it was like that hardly a word was spoken mainly because he slept a lot but there was something more something else wrong. I kept thinking what he isn't telling me.

Eventually after 3 weeks I had convinced him to get a telly in his room which was broken my luck. So I began to speak. They haven't found her you know and the case Fraser said said officially it's open unofficially it's on the back burner. For all we know she could be half way to Afghanistan by now and jolly he is a convicted felon so....

Fraser spoke I still see her you know there was silence for a moment then he said I don't know what it is I see, as he reached for his pain killers. I said hoping to lighten the mood you know those pain killers will do that to you, you know. He threw them into the bin and then I had to leave to go to work saying I'll see you tomorrow.

The drive home seemed to take forever his words I still see her God the pain hurt and loss look in his eyes will never leave me. How can one woman cause someone so much pain was all I could think?

Fraser was lying in his bed he had never felt more alone more bored in all his life, he though to himself. He was talking to Diefenbaker who was allowed to stay with him. The nurses took pity on him fed watered fed and walked him regular he was spoiled rotten. I know I said I grew up in the middle of no where but at least I could do things up there to keep me occupied he said to his wolf as the wolf whined at him for whining.

He fell back to sleep dreaming of her again as he did every night he was there. He awoke to find it was morning also to see his fathers face starring at him and scaring him half to death. I was wondering when you were going to show up sorry his dad said, no I'm glad if you had come any sooner I might not have been able to tell which one of us was...dead...son it's not a dirty word son. His father leaned over him and said she got you good didn't she NO I said, changing the subject I talked about going home to fix up the cabin.

As we started to talk about in came the physical therapist Jill Kennedy she spoke am I interrupting anything feeling embarrassed I fixed myself in the bed as began to examine me. She was going through all my injuries and old scars one by one not wanting to talk about the one by my collar bone we moved on. She took down the hand rest from above me saying thinking of using it any time soon thinking about I said well start thinking 3 weeks not 3 months.

A WEEK LATER

I arrived at the hospital to see that Fraser was not in his bed I began to panic when the nurse came in and told me he was at physical therapy. Thanks there is a viewing room if you'd like to go down and see she pointed me in the right direction. I reached the room and prepared myself for what I might see.

Looking through the one way window I scanned to the room to see an old lady on a bed working on her arm another working on a leg and there he was lying flat pulling his leg that was in a strap with his hand and that exercise lasted about five mins. His physical therapist brought over a walking frame. It took every bit of strength I had not to run in and help him.

There he was a Mountie who jump across roof tops chasing crimals jump onto moving vehicles would would do everything as if he was superman. Now look he is struggling to pull himself up to stand with the walking frame. When he tried to take his first steps the pain he was feeling was very clear he was sweating from the pain but he had to push through it. It was like that for the next few days but he seemed to walk easier by the end of the week with the frame not quite on his own not yet.

It was week two and it was time for him to try the stairs. I held my breath as he took each step it looked as if it was the hardest thing as if he was climbing a mountain as he reached the top he was completely out of breath and his hand gave away from the railing and he fell over the edge, my heart sank I couldn't stand back any longer I ran in and picked him up sitting him on a chair while the nurse got him a glass of water.

You ok Benny I'm fine Ray just needed to take a break that's all and gave a smile. Fraser spoke up well how did I do today Ray. I was completely taken aback how....how did you know I was watching you. I know you've been here everyday. Ray spoke I ...I...Fraser spoke before he could finished I no you to well Ray and they both laughed.

As the weeks went by it became easier and easier he was allowed to roll himself in his wheelchair but not for to long. It was nearing the time for him to leave the hospital, so I went off and bought him a state of the art electric saw and got some broachers for bathroom equipment. Handing them to him he said what this is for. I replied I thought maybe when you get out of here we could go up North and fix up your fathers cabin, but you hated that cabin Fraser said. I said no I just hated leaving to go to the bathroom this is why and I handed him the brochure for the bathrooms. Fraser gave a smile and said you don't have to do this you know I replied I want to and gave a smile.

Fraser wanted to get into his bed you tired I asked yeah he said in weary voice as he struggled to get into his bed he was exhausted so I helped him get in then asked do you want me to go no he said to me. I sat in his wheelchair and said this is so cool while wheeling back and fourth. Fraser was just starring into space I knew he was thinking about Victoria so I kept talking hoping to take his mind off her.

I began with ok were do you buy lumber up there, you don't you cut it Fraser replied. I laughed you serious yep he said you know how to do that I asked. He made cluck cluck while moving his hand like he was holding an axe. You got an axe yeah you got an axe for me. I've two axes ...two...he said under his breath. You know it will be good to get away for a bit put Victoria behind us. As Ray was talking Fraser was having flash backs of her he loved her so much but she caused him so much pain and hurt. He came back around yeah it will be good Fraser replied.

The day finally came he was getting out following his final check up with the doctor's. He was given his discharge papers I had already pack all of his things when he came in fully dressed. A nurse came in with a wheelchair for him to leave the hospital in even though he was perfectly fine to walk it was hospital policy so he did. All the nurses were in tears as he said his goodbyes and thanks for all they've done for him. Of course they had all fallen for him as every woman dose. What Fraser didn't know was they used to toss coins to see who would get assist on his bed bath of course it was always done with a male nurse present but al least they helped they giggled to themselves.

We were walking towards to the main doors I had already had the Riv parked outside waiting for him the nurse came with us to take the wheelchair from us when we got outside the door. We said our goodbyes to her. It was over it's over thank god. I just kept thinking maybe someday he'll tell me, what is is he isn't telling me.

THE END