Disclaimer: Not mine, I don't own the characters, yada yada yada. Sing it with me.

Author's Notes: This little piece came to me a while back. I thought it was about time I started posting again, so here it is! Thanks to the usual suspects: James for being there when I needed him, and M.D. who believes in me. Also thanks to Deb, who gave me the courage to post this.

Story Notes: Iddy-biddy spoilers for Burning Down the House, and The Ladies Man. Oh, and by the way, you may not be surprised to hear that I'm not a doctor. I have no idea if the events in this story can actually happen.

"Pain"
by Katie Randall

For one blissful moment, it's black, it's warm, and I can't feel a thing.

Then the pain hits me. Like a thousand knives, all over my body. And I remember.

And I wish those bastards had just killed me.

God, I wish.

I'm praying for death at the same time I'm screaming inside

NO!!

Holy God...if you still listen to me, please, please MAKE IT STOP. I...can't...think... this hurts so much...

There's only one way this is gonna end, I think. Before, that wouldn't have mattered nearly as much. But not now. Not now I've finally found so much to live for...

I'm sorry Ben...I tried.

**

I'm blissfully unaware of anything. I can feel myself sort of...drifting. There's some sound over...there, I think, maybe voices, but I can't make them out. There's this faint sort of beeping noise, too. Kinda irritating, but it's not like I can do anything about it. I can't even open my eyes.

Suddenly there's a warm touch on my hand, and I hear my Ben's warm voice. Instantly I try to open my eyes, or move, or anything to let him know I'm awake. Nothing happens.

"Hi, Ray." Oh God, you sound so sad. So lost. Ben, I'm here, I'm awake, I think I'm alive, why can't you hear me?

"I wish I knew if you could hear me." It's okay, buddy, I can. It's gonna be okay.

"The doctor said that if you wake up, you'll probably be alright. A little sore, maybe, but nothing they can't fix. But the longer you don't - " He stops suddenly, and I can almost hear him trying to pull himself back together. It doesn't work, though, because I can still hear the tears and the pain in his voice as he starts speaking again.

"Ray...please wake up. I need you." I have woken up, damnit! Why can't I move?

"They told me I should keep talking to you, that it would help...but I've been here so long I think I've run out of things to say." Ben Fraser, out of words? I never thought I'd see the day. And I still haven't. That's almost funny until the last part of what he just said hits me. Just how long have I been here? And more to the point, what the hell happened to me in the first place? I can only remember bits and pieces. I desperately try to bite down on the panic I can feel rising in my throat, but it doesn't help...nothing helps, except Ben's quiet voice, still talking, that cuts through my fear like a knife. He always was the only one who could calm me down.

"So I've been thinking. And I realised that in all this time, I never told you when it was that I fell in love with you. Or, rather, when I knew I had fallen in love. I think I've loved you ever since the first day we met. My God, Ray, you jumped in front of a bullet for me. If she had aimed just a little higher...but that's over, now.

"What was I - oh, yes, the moment I knew I loved you. It was outside Beth Botrelle's house, the night she came home, do you remember? What am I saying - of course you remember. It was when you cried. I remember feeling honoured that you trusted me enough to let me share your pain. Or, of course, it could have just been that you needed someone and I was there. But I don't think so. I prefer to think that you let me in that night. It made me realise how vulnerable you made yourself in front of me, and how strong that made you look. I've always thought that it took the most courageous kind of strength to make yourself weak, but I never saw it, I never understood just how courageous you were, until that night.

"You let me stay with you. You let me stay with you in the car, and then you let me take you home, and you let me stay then. And I promised myself something, as I stroked your hair when you fell asleep on my shoulder. I promised myself that I would protect you, that I wouldn't let you hurt any more. And I promised myself that if you ever let me love you, I would always keep you safe.

"But I didn't, did I? I wasn't there for you, I didn't keep you safe while this was happening. I let you down and look where you ended up. I'm so sorry, Ray, I never meant...anyway. I spoke to Lieutenant Welsh this morning and he told me they've got the men who did this. Detective Huey apparently told him you'd gone to meet your informant about the Murphy case, so the Lieutenant called in some of the suspects. One of them was only too willing to talk in return for leniency. I don't know how that's going, so you'll have to - you'll have to ask Lieutenant Welsh yourself, when you wake up.

"Because I know you will wake up. You have to. Because you promised me you wouldn't leave me. And if there's one thing I now about you, Ray Kowalski, it's that you never break a promise. So you just take all the time you need, as long as you wake up. I'll be here when you need me. But don't take too long about it. I miss you. I need you.

"I love you."

While I wish desperately for Ray to wake up, the fact that while he is unconscious he cannot feel the pain that is waiting for him is a mercy.

Albeit a small one.

Ray once confessed to me that one of his favourite things as a boy was to sneak out onto the roof and look at the stars. He told me this almost shyly, as if he thought I would, for some reason, find this stupid or laughable. I reminded him where I grew up, where very often looking at the stars was the only thing to do at night. I would have taken him to the roof when he told me this, but the night was raining and especially cold for Chicago.

So four days later, when the night was finally clear, if a little crisp, I held my hand out to Ray after we finished dinner. He took it without question, and followed me silently to the roof. When we got there, he took in the blankets laid out, the burning lanterns, and the thermos of coffee I had put there earlier, and turned to me.

"You did this?"

I nodded. "I thought you might like it..." My words were cut off by Ray's mouth. His lips, his tongue were so soft against mine that for a beautiful few moments I lost myself. He pulled away, smiling at my small groan of loss and this time took my hand to lead me over to the blankets.

Ray settled himself against my chest as we lay down. I pulled the blankets up around us and linked my fingers with his where they lay on my chest, over my heart.

"Which ones do you know?" I asked him softly, indicating the stars with a wave of my hand.

Ray spent the next few minutes pointing out the names of the stars he remembered from his younger days. I told him the ones I knew, and for once he listened quietly, only speaking to point to a new star and ask its name. I noticed the temperature dropping slowly as time went on, and Ray shivered and wriggled closer to the warmth of my body. His hand began tracing lazy circles over my chest, and I turned my face toward his to kiss him. Despite the cold, he pulled away long enough to strip off his shirt before he pulled my head back down to his. I rolled myself over so that I was covering my body with my own to keep the chill off him.

I love to watch his face as we make love. That night I kissed and licked my way slowly down his beautiful chest. His back arched and I felt his hands on my shoulders, in my hair as I paused to tease a nipple, already hard from the cold air. I trailed my tongue down the centre of his chest, briefly dipping into his navel before continuing downward.

As I reached my destination his fingers tightened in my hair, but not enough to hurt. Never enough to hurt.

He always makes the same noises when we do this. I can understand each and every one of them; it's how I know how close he is, when to slow down, and when to bring him to his climax.

His hands always still in my hair just before he comes, so I am ready. He makes a sound, almost like a purr, and strokes my heads as I drink him in. Then, he pulls my head up so he can kiss me, deeply, as if he is searching out a taste of himself in me.

I hope he finds what he is looking for.

The Chinese believe that each star in the sky represents the spirit of someone who has died.

As I leave the hospital for the night, I try desperately not to notice that there is only one star visible in the sky.

The nights are so long now. I haven't been plagued by insomnia for years, not since shortly after I arrived in Chicago. But now, I can't get to sleep if Ray isn't there beside me, holding me, keeping me warm. And when sleep finally does come, it's filled with nightmares, flashing scenes of what my life would be like without him. I have never had a nightmare since I've been sharing Ray's bed. I think...I think he's my dream catcher. These nightmares are more than I can bear, and I allow myself to cry for the first time since we got the call that he had been found.

The staff at the hospital know me by now, and say nothing when I appear in the middle of the night and head to Ray's room. He looks so peaceful. I gently fold his slender hand in both of mine and settle myself in for the night.

I went to the station tonight. I saw the men who beat my best friend, my lover half to death and left him on the docks at the mercy of the elements overnight. Winter nights in Chicago are cold by my standards.

Lieutenant Welsh won't let me near them, of course, and quite rightly so. I can't promise that, if I should ever be allowed near them, my actions would be becoming of a police officer. In fact, I wouldn't promise that, because I know damned well they wouldn't be.

I discovered today that the Lieutenant knows about Ray and me. He says he has known for quite some time. He politely asked me how long the relationship had been going on, and seemed surprised when I told him only four months. He told me he believed it had been going on for longer than that - evidently he suspected our feelings for each other even before we did. I was reminded again of just how perceptive the other man can be.

And how kind.

Okay, I am seriously shitting this now. I can remember what happened to me, kinda, and I can hear and feel Ben. But I can't move. I can't so much as twitch. Jesus, what if I stay like this? What if I'm like, permanently paralysed or something? What'll happen to Ben and me? I wouldn't make him stay with me. Of course, I can't exactly let him know that, seeing as how I can't even crack an eyelid.

Shit.

I'm worn out with the effort. Maybe if I just let myself drift again...that felt good last time...

The next thing I know, it's light. Wait...something's different. Something's very different. But what? I can't figure it out for a second, until I realise...

My eyes are open, for one. Well, I'll be damned. It's about fucking time! I can feel something on my hand, and I look down to see Ben holding it, his head down on the bed, sleeping soundly.

I move my fingers experimentally, and see them respond. Yes! Ben wakes up at that movement, and looks around for a second before letting go of my hand to rub his face with one of his. I don't say anything, just look at him. He looks so tired, not at all like the Ben I remember. It makes me wonder all over again how long I've been here. Eventually he looks up at me, and stops dead when he sees me watching him.

"Ray?" I try to answer, but no sound comes out.

"Do you want some water?" I can only nod at him gratefully. As I sip, he's just watching me steadily, but there's moisture in his eyes.

"Thanks," I manage to croak. I can't understand myself, but it seems he does because he smiles at me.

"No problem." Then he sits back down. I'm still watching him, not trusting my voice just yet.

"I, er...I..." he stops, and starts again. "It's good to see you, Ray." As always, his eyes betray the emotion his words lack. "How long have you been awake?"

"Not long today."

"I'm sorry?"

"Before...I was awake...when you told me...when you fell in love with me."

"You've been awake since then?" I nod. "My God, Ray, that was three days ago."

Wow. "How long have I been here?"

"Eight days." He folds my hand in his again. "Do you remember what happened to you?"

"Kind of...that guy, Murphy, he set me up. But you know that already, right?"

"How did you - right, I told you that, didn't I?" He looks at me, and his eyes go all warm. "How do you feel?"

"Dunno. Weird. All achy. But hey, at least I can move. I couldn't before. But I could hear you, and feel you. I heard everything you said." He looks almost... embarrassed? Yeah, here comes the blush, alright.

"I...I didn't know you could hear all that."

"Yeah, what's the problem? I just wish you'd said all that stuff to me before. It was beautiful." I bring his hand to my lips and kiss it softly. "I love you."

He finally kisses me then, little butterfly kisses all over my face before he reaches my mouth. It's a soft, sweet kiss, with a tenderness that makes my heart turn over.

"I love you. I suppose I'd better get the doctor."

"'Kay. I'm just...gonna...close my eyes for a bit." I hear a soft chuckle from somewhere near my face, and then I feel Ben press a kiss on my forehead.

"Ray, my love...you do that."

February 21st - March 29th, 2001

Please...I'd love to hear what you think? MinisterOfGrace@Excite.ca

End Pain by Katie: MinisterOfGrace@excite.ca

Author and story notes above.