Author's website: http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Gallery/8741/jmgarden.htm

Disclaimer: Alliance owns the characters of DUE SOUTH but they have more fun with me.

Author's Notes: This story idea just popped into my head and seemed perfect for the DUE SOUTH AFTER DARK (DSAD) Challenge. You see what happens when you watch back-to-back episodes of WILL & GRACE and have Thanksgiving on your mind? As for DUE SOUTH, hey, I *always* have the boys on my mind! :)
The "Does Macy Tell Gimbel?" title comes from a joke popular for many years, about the two department store giants and their rivalry. It's one of those cultural references that you probably see in old Forties movies but don't hear much anymore. I happen to love old Forties movies. :)
Here's a few more from various decades: "Tinkers to Evans to Chance." "Lucky Strike Has Gone To War!" "Loose Lips Sink Ships!" "Oh, I'd Love To Be An Oscar Meyer Wiener!" "Sorry about that, Chief." "See The USA In Your Chevrolet!" "Brought to you in living color!"
Happy Thanksgiving!

Story Notes: Pairing: Benny/Ray.
Categories: Holiday (Thanksgiving), Humor.
Rating: PG-13 for naughty fun.
Crossover: DUE SOUTH/WILL & GRACE.

I
"DOES MACY TELL GIMBEL?"

The television screen flicks on, and the voices of the anchors blares out before the volume is turned down.

Will's Voice: "Happy Thanksgiving, Grace!"

Grace's Voice: "Happy Thanksgiving, Will! We welcome all our viewers to NBC, the Peacock Network, and to the 75th annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade."

The camera pulls back to show the smiling pair in the booth above the parade route.

Will: "It's a beautiful morning in New York, and everyone is excited. People are lined up on the streets along the parade route, and the marching bands and floats are ready, as are the signature giant balloons."

Grace: "Our man on the street, Jack, is at the start of the parade route. What have you got for us, Jack?"

Camera moves to:

A tight shot of colleague Jack, his gloved hand to his ear as he listens to his earpiece. His breath makes little puffs of frost in the air.

Jack: "Well, it's absolutely freezing down here, Grace. Yet these little munchkins are just as excited as can be! How are you, munchkins?"

The bubbly children dressed in hats and jackets talk all at once, the baby on her mother's knee cooing and waving a mittened hand.

Jack: "See? All excited! Remember, it's almost time for Just Jack--2002! Back to you, Grace!"

Grace [perkily]: "Thank you, Jack! The parade is starting! Now, at the entrance to Macy's is Karen, another dear colleague. Karen, what's up down there?"

Camera cuts to:

Karen, her go-go boots an amusing anachronism.

Karen: "Well, honey, it's absolute anticipation down here! Isn't that right, girlie?" She sticks her microphone in front of a third-grade girl with glasses and bundled up warmly against the November weather.

Girl: "Yeah, it's great!"

Karen: "See? Back to you, honey."

Cut to:

The booth. Will points at the parade behind him. "We're off!"

Grace: "Look at those lovely balloons, Will!"

Will [eyebrows lifting]: "Yes, we have Snoopy and Garfield and Spiderman and...Super-Mountie?!"

Grace [laughing]: "Yes, he's a new one this year."

Cut to:

The balloon. A firm, handsome Mountie in red serge. Fair of face and looking great in the serge. Okay, a little puffed up. Big. Very big.

Will [fans himself with his script]: "This is one delicious Mountie! All sixty feet of him!"

Grace [looking at the TV monitor]: "I think Jack agrees with you!"

Cut to:

Jack, his eyes round as saucers. He begins to gibber as he points.

Will's Voice: "I think Jack just realized that the Mountie balloon is anatomically correct."

Grace's Voice: "I think you're right. Let's cut away before he starts to drool."

Cut to:

The booth. Will is nodding his head.

Will: "Look at those drum majorettes! Aren't they lovely!"

Grace: "Oh, yes."

The parade is in full swing. Marching bands, majorettes, floats, and balloons travel down the route and reach the main cameras in front of Macy's department store.

Grace: "My, now there's an interesting float. What kind of car is that, Will?"

Will: "You're asking me?"

Karen's voice [screeching from the booth's speaker]: "It's a 1971 Buick Riviera, Wilma!"

Will [sheepishly]: "Oh, yes."

Grace [looking through binoculars]: "Who's that yummy-yum in the driver's seat?"

Will [also looking through binoculars]: "I don't know, but he's not bald like I thought. Just close-cropped."

Grace: "And the most incredible green eyes. Hmm, matches the Riviera."

Suddenly a hideous screeching bursts from the speaker.

Will: "My god! What the hell is that?!"

Grace: "I recognize that screech. It's Karen."

Karen's Voice: "He's anatomically correct!"

Will & Grace: "She's seen the Mountie."

Camera cuts to:

The Mountie as he looms down the street of Macy's, the Riviera in front of him.

Karen: "Those boots! Acres and acres of leather! My mouth is watering just thinking about them! And that lovely, lovely sixty-foot Mountie. Man, what I wouldn't give to sample that...wait! Honey, a woman has broken free from the crowd! She's pointing a gun at the Mountie! Why, that slut! She has long, dark, curly hair. The yummy-yum from the Riviera...yes, I heard you call him that!...dashes out of the car float and runs to her. She's screaming at him! Hmm, a few new words for my vocabulary. They're struggling for the gun. She's pushing him away! She's firing!"

Green Eyes: "Nooo!!" His long coat flaps in the wind.

Karen: "Oh, my goodness! The gun shoots diamonds, honey! One of them is piercing the Mountie's right leg! Boy, now that's what I call a gun!"

The Mountie [wailing]:"Raaaayyy!!!"

Green Eyes (now Ray): "Is that the same leg that they shot ya in last time?"

The Mountie: "Yes!!!"

Ray: "The same leg they stabbed ya in?"

The Mountie: "Yes, Ray!!!"

The wind buffets the Mountie as his handlers try and keep him from blowing, um, away.

Ray: "Hang on, Benny! I'll save ya!"

Karen: "Yummy-Buns is wresting the gun away from the slut! He's scrambling like an egg up the left leg of the Mountie! The right leg is starting to deflate faster than a Democrat at the Rotary Club! I can feel the air gushing out of the wound! Peaches is pausing to catch his breath!"

Grace's Voice: "Peaches?"

Karen: "Honey, if you saw this boy's butt from my angle, you'd understand! Oh, he's facing the Mountie's crotch!" Incoherent babbling, then: "His green eyes are glassier than Stan after his fifth martini! No, he's shaken it off and is climbing again! Man, I wish I had some cream for those peaches!"

Will's Voice: "Karen, that woman is hopping on a train float in front of the Riviera!"

Karen: "I know, honey! Oh, man, that balloon is all bent! Out of shape, I mean!"

The Mountie balloon is wildly buffeted in the wind, the handlers being pulled off the ground as they struggle to keep him from blowing away. Jack suddenly appears, having chased the huge Mountie all the way from the start of the parade route. He tries to grab a handler's line but misses, falling flat on his back. He nearly zones out from pleasure at the view.

Karen: "Honey, the balloon! It's starting to crash right down on the Riviera! The handlers are taking off! Oh, the horror!"

Ray: "Beeeennnnyyyy!!!!"

The Mountie (now Benny): "Raaaaayyyyy!!!!"

Shadows loom as the balloon falls, falls, falls...

II
PROVIDENTIAL

"Aaahhh!!!"

"Ray!"

He was suffocating! He thrashed and yelled and suddenly blinked as a bright light skewered his eyes. He put up a hand to ward it off.

"Ray, it's all right!"

Ray looked at his lover, who was regarding him with concern and a touch of amusement. Heart pounding, he grasped Benny's arms. "You're a balloon!"

"Really, Ray." Benny sounded offended. "I know I ate too much for Thanksgiving dinner, but I don't think it's reached crisis proportions yet." He patted his lean stomach.

Dizzy, Ray asked, "What happened?"

"The afghan fell off the couch and covered you. You began to thrash around."

"Oh." Ray looked at the brightly-colored afghan on his lap. He definitely felt mussed.

Benny cocked his head. "Are you all right? It sounded like you were having a nightmare."

        Ray shuddered as he rubbed his hand over his face. "Oh, man, you don't know the half of it." He looked around with a frown. "Where is everybody?"
        "Asleep.  It's been a long day." Benny nodded toward the TV. "We were watching the WILL & GRACE marathon and you fell asleep."

        "Yeesh." Ray stared at the TV as Jack and Karen cavorted on the screen. "The cast were the anchors of the Macy Parade this morning, weren't they?" 

        "Yes, Ray."

        Ray rubbed his face again.  His heart was resuming its normal rate but vestiges of the nightmare still lingered.  What kind of a crazy dream was that?  Dreaming that Benny was a Macy balloon and had toppled over onto him and the Riv?  And why did he dream about the bitch?  He shuddered.

        A nose poked at his thigh and he opened his eyes to see Dief staring up at him.  The wolf whined and Ray petted his head. 

        "Dief was in the kitchen asleep.  He must have heard you cry out."

        "Yeah." Warmed by the wolf's concern, Ray shook his head. "I knew after the third helping of hamburger stuffing that I was in trouble."

        Benny laughed. "I had two helpings, Ray, so don't blame yourself too much for over-indulging.  It seems like it's an American trait to do so, and since I'm married to an American, I'm picking up bad habits."

        "Har har." Ray rubbed his stomach. "I better just have bread and water tomorrow."

        "You'll have turkey sandwiches and more stuffing," Benny said knowingly, and Ray grinned.

        "C'mon, love, let's go upstairs.  I know of a surefire way to work off some of this food."

        Benny smiled and allowed Ray to take his hand and raise him up from the couch.  He shut off the TV while Ray turned off the lamp and Dief fell into step behind them as they disappeared up the stairs, their voices trailing down.

        "Well, Ray, you've got me hooked on TV.  There's this show that Jasmine recommended to me and it's on Fridays.  It's called PROVIDENCE..."

        All was quiet for several minutes, then the TV flickered on, a familiar face smiling malevolently out at the empty living room.  "Friday," she whispered,  She tossed her long, dark, curly hair and laughed.    

End Macy Mayhem by Gilda Lily: jeanniemarie@sprintmail.com

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