Author's website: http://www.jonesie.tvheaven.com

Disclaimer: Not mine, but a girl can wish, right?

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This story is a sequel to: What I Do

Thinking Space (Part 2 of the What I Do series) By Gina

December 21, 2001

Dear Ben,

Merry Christmas! Okay, so maybe that sounds a bit weird, because you haven't heard from me since I bailed on you months ago. Sorry it's been so long. I didn't know when or where I was going and I sure as Hell didn't know how long I'd be gone. It feels like years, Ben. And I miss you.

Yeah, I can see you checking out the postmark on the envelope right about now. Don't get too excited. By the time you get this I'll be far from Detroit. And you. God, I hate this, Ben. I wish I could be with you, but I just can't. I just can't. I love you so much that I hurt. All the time, anymore. The real Ray Kowalski is hurting and I need distance to make it stop.

It's all me, Frase. You did nothing wrong. You loved me and I'm the one that is damaged, that can't get my head around all that is going on inside it. I'm trying. Honestly. I want to come home, but not quite yet. I still have thinking and doing to do.

I've been sorta drifting around the past two months. Meeting people, learning new things. Never staying in one place too long, though. I get itchy, you know? Nowhere is like Chicago, and that's both good and bad. But it's different, and a new view is just what the doc ordered, I think.

Yes, I'm taking care of myself. Best I can, at least. Who knew that a washed up ex-cop could find decent employment with no skills other than wielding a gun? Manual labor seems to let me think about things, though, while still earning food and room money. I'm eating, okay? Tell Mum not to worry.

Yeah, I saddled you with the folks, didn't I? Just another screw up on my part. Sorry. Really. I hope they took it all right. I guess I really should have called them and warned them. Not thinking, I guess. Tell them I love them?

Geesh! I just realized I don't even know if you are still at our apartment. Oh, sure you are. Where else would you go? Canada maybe? Nah. God, not back to the consulate, I hope. Nah. Dief would never stand for it.

How is the old furball anyhow? I miss him almost as much as I miss you. Give him a hug for me, and a slice of pizza. No matter what your grandparents might have told you as a kid, pizza IS a required food. Enjoy one at least every once in a while, okay?

Well, my bus just got called, so I guess I'd better end this thing and stick it in the mailbox. Yeah, I sold the GTO so tell Welsh to pull the APB on it. Anyhow, I hope you get this thing. I won't know if you don't, but I'll keep my fingers crossed that you do. I love you Ben. Always have and always will. And I will return, someday. Maybe when I find my true self. Keep the light on, okay?

Ray

End Thinking Space by Gina: jonesieg@earthlink.net

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