Author's website: http://snapp.vinu.edu/StudentPrj/Morgan_Melinda_Lee/morgan2.htm

Disclaimer: I don't own 'em I just take 'em out of the toybox, play with 'em for awhile, then replace any worn or broken parts and return them to the toybox unharmed for someone else to play with.

Author's Notes:

Story Notes: Deathfic warning! Rated PG
This actually the beginning of a short series. The other fics will come along later. I put no pairing but there is a faint hint of a possible Fraser/Female paring. This is one of those "have a hanky ready" fics.
Feedback: Feed me please!

Title: A Time to Die
Parings: Perhaps a faint Fraser/female but nothing too shippy Rated: G, PG at the most -Deathfic warning...death of a semi-important character (not a regular but still an important recurring character) Teaser: Julie Frobisher faces her father's death

When Dad told Benton and me both to come today, I knew deep down what he wanted even before he told me. He says it's time to go. I know he's suffering but it's so hard to accept. I don't want him to go, I guess, because I'm afraid of being alone.

It's hard to believe he's the same man. It always seemed he was invincible.... Like nothing could ever happen to him. It seemed like he'd always be there and that whenever I was frightened, or had a problem, I could come to him. I always felt so safe in his arms when I was afraid and now I had to face the reality that he wasn't going to be there much longer. Now he's so weak and frail. All his systems are shutting down...it's like he's being destroyed from the inside and it's hurt so bad these past few months watching him go downhill so quickly.

Last year seems so long ago, but that's when this whole thing started. He started having problems eating; a lot of indigestion and such. He started getting really weak all the time. I told him he should see the doctor, but he said it was just indigestion. He can be so stubborn sometimes. When he finally did go they told him it was cancer. They found out after all the tests that it was at an advanced stage. They tried to help him. They did surgery and tried chemotherapy but it didn't help. The chemo just made him sicker. All his hair fell out and he lost weight from not being able to eat. They told us he'd probably be lucky to make it another year.

I don't know how many nights I spent awake crying. I was so afraid. I don't know what I would've done without my daughter, Patty, And Benton. I ran into Benton in the hospital cafeteria, while Dad was in for one of his chemo treatments, and I was visiting him. Benton was in for a broken leg, he said he'd recently transferred to Toronto, and that he'd mistimed a jump onto a moving vehicle "by a few fractions of a second" and he'd injured his leg on landing. He was almost at the end of his stay and was going home in a few more days, but I'm glad I found him. I needed someone to talk to. He's been there for me so many times over this past year. I can't remember how many hours we've spent talking, or that I've started crying and he just listened patiently. It felt good to have someone to talk to. I think Dad likes it too. He says we're good for each other and that he's happy seeing us together. He understands it's not romantic or anything, but I know he'd be happy if it did become more than a friendship.

After a while, Dad and the doctors decided it would be best to stop the treatments and just make him as comfortable as possible until he died. It's called palliative care. They try and make the patient's final days as easy as possible when it's obvious treatment won't do any good anymore.

At first, it wasn't that bad. He didn't like not being able to be active, but he didn't seem that bad. But as time went on, he started getting worse. He needed more and more help doing even basic things. He needed a walker to get around, (which he always said he hated) and then he got too weak to walk at all. I know he was scared. He tried not to show it, but I could tell. Once or twice, I caught him crying when he thought I wasn't looking. I could see him watching me sometimes, like he knew he wouldn't be with me much longer. He knew I was scared, and he tried to make me feel better. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. He stayed first at his home, then with me as long as he could, but eventually he got so bad he had to go in the hospital permanently. Neither he nor I really wanted to do it, but there wasn't much of a choice by that time.

Over the past few months he's gone downhill really fast. Everything is shutting down-kidneys, liver ,pancreas... The cancer is everywhere now. It's also causing even more problems in his digestive tract. They have to put a lot of drugs and other things into him every day to replace whatever it is body can't make by itself anymore. He has to have thinks like dialysis and insulin injections every day to stay alive. He looks so terrible. There's not much weight left on his body. He's also awfully pale. His eyes are dark and sunken and the skin on his cheeks sags because he's lost so much weight. Besides all of that, the liver failure has caused much of his body to swell, making him look even worse.

Another thing I've noticed lately is the strange, bad smell in the room. Benton says that this sometimes happens with cancer patients close to the end. Sometimes it makes me want to be sick. I know it's the smell of death, and it's another reminder that he's slowly losing his battle to survive.

Dad told Benton and me to come in today and when we got in the room, he told me it was time for him to go. I want to tell him to hang on, but I also know how sick his is. He says he's not afraid and that he knows Mum is waiting for him. I'm scared but I know he's already made up his mind. I don't know how he knows it's time, and I don't know if I ever will. He tells me he loves me and then says what he used to tell me about Mum after she died. He says that he'll always be with me and that if I keep the good memories I have of him close to my heart, he'll be close to me. He can hardly talk, and I can see him struggling as he does, but he manages to say what he wants to.

I tell him I love him very much and that I'll miss him a lot. I tell him thank you for everything he's done for me. He tells Benton to take care of me and Benton tells him that he will. I try not to cry but I can't help it. He closes his eyes and a peaceful look comes to his face. I can see him smiling just a little. It's almost unnoticeable but it's there. I know he's happy and at peace now. I take his hand in mine as I wait. I can feel him squeezing weakly for a few seconds and then it slowly goes limp.

Slowly, his breathing gets shallower and shallower and his heartbeat slows down. After a few minutes, it stops all together. I lay the hand back on the bed and just stand numb for a few seconds. I can't believe he's really gone. Benton puts a hand on my shoulder and I turn around and bury my face against his shoulder, crying.

It's not long before we have to leave, so they can take him away. "Good bye" I whisper. "I love you very much. You and Mum both. You'll both always be in my heart." Before I leave the room, my eyes gaze upward for a moment. "Take care of him, Mum." I whisper. Then I let Benton lead me out of the room.

End A Time to Die by Buck: Fraserfanatic@hotmail.com

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