Author's website: http://www.tuktoyaktuk.net/innusiq/

Disclaimer:

Author's Notes: Comments are aways welcome.

Story Notes: Spoilers for the follwoing episodes: Free Willie, Victoria's Secret/Letting Go, Juliet is Bleeding and Burning Down the House.

Stay
by: Jenny Hill

Fraser closed the door to his new apartment after having walked Ray, his new and only best friend not including the wolf, back to his car. He exhaled heavily as he panned around the room before him. While it was true that he was home, it was definitely not home. Home was a few hundred miles away in an area much colder and cleaner than the city that would now serve as his home for as long as the higher ups of the R.C.M.P. deemed was a proper amount of time for punishment.

The apartment was truly no different than his living quarters up North. The basic essentials were all that filled the apartment and even though the essentials were present, the apartment was still empty as always. It contained a bed, kitchen table and chairs, refrigerator, sink and stove, all of which the apartment came furnished with and all a luxury in the Mountie's eyes. So, in truth, he didn't own the contents, they were part of the apartment. The only things he did own were secured in a trunk, which was placed to the right of the small bed in the Spartan apartment.

Fraser's eyes fell upon his father's trunk, now his where Ray and he had placed it the previous day, still looking out of place in the apartment just as much as he was feeling out of place. There wasn't a natural feeling in these walls and he had yet to decide if that was where the trunk's final resting-place would be. The importance of the need for the trunk was that it contained all he owned. Everything that in the end would make the apartment his home or as close as he could make it feel like home.

Fraser began dismantling his uniform on his way towards the small closet across the room. He unbuckled his belt first and divested of it and the brown uniform jacket quickly. Once each item was securely hung and put away, along with the Stetson, he closed the closet door and returned back to the center of the room.

His life was contained in that trunk. Everything, except for the uniforms hung in the closet and partially on him, was contained in that trunk. This was the final step. He had a position at the Canadian Consulate in Chicago, acquired an apartment to live in while stationed in Chicago and now, all that needed to be done was unpack and unpacking was the one thing he did not want to do. Unpacking would mark the transition complete and final. There would be no turning back and even though there really wasn't any turning back no matter what, by unpacking, in his own mind, he was giving up. He would be accepting the changes in his life that he had no control over and that was a suffocating realization.

Fraser bypassed the pending chore and walked over to the window in the kitchen that opened to the fire escape. It was still light out but the sun was on its way down for the night. A whine from near his feet brought Fraser's attention to Diefenbaker who was looking up with concern and understanding.

"Do you want to go outside?" Fraser watched the tail of his friend begin to wag, knowing without asking he would. "Come on."

Fraser opened the window and allowed the wolf exit and then followed him out onto the fire escape. It was an escape, for at least a few moments, out of his new life. It was a step outside of the box that was his prison. After watching Diefenbaker descend a few flights down, Fraser took a seat and relaxed against the side of the building. It wasn't the Territories but it was outside and would do for now.

Taking a deep breath, Fraser couldn't overlook the obvious differences between the air in Chicago and the Territories. The air in Chicago was thicker than he was use to and although it wasn't life altering it would take some getting use to. There were more scents and odors and most of those new scents were not pleasant nor were they natural.

The air wasn't the only difference. Visually, the city looked dirty. There was a haze that hung over the city and no matter the day or what the weather was like it was there. Some days were worse than other days but however the visibility was on any given day it was something that Fraser was not accustomed to. The only time Fraser couldn't actually see clearly in the Territories was when it was snowing and even then it still wasn't anything like Chicago. Fraser rubbed his hands together and he could almost feel the grit.

Diefenbaker's head popped up from the fire escape steps below and then he hopped up to join Fraser.

"You feel the difference too," Fraser observed, watching the wolf curl up next to him with a huff.

Fraser absently stroked his fingers through the wolf's fur as he continued to look over his new neighborhood. As Ray had said, it was a rougher end of town but nothing Fraser was afraid of. His new living arrangement was more a challenge and offered him the opportunity to help out where he was needed and he was needed here more than anywhere else.

Diefenbaker placed his head on Fraser's thigh and sighed. His mood mirrored Fraser's and that sparked a feeling of guilt that he never should have brought the wolf to the States let alone Chicago.

"I'm sorry," Fraser felt obligated to offer the wolf an apology.

"Hey, you got room for one more?"

The voice started Fraser at first. He was normally overly aware of his surroundings, as his occupation called for but so much had happened over the last couple weeks that his normal alert senses seemed to have hit the level of overload. The voice startled but there was a quick transformation from the Mountie being startled to him relaxing to the vocal sounds of his friend's voice.

Ray stuck his head out of the window, looking over at the Mountie and wolf whom both seemed more at home on the fire escape then inside the walls of the apartment.

"Ya know, you really should keep your door locked," he offered the suggestion, knowing already that his words were falling on deaf ears. The detective climbed out the window and joined his friend.

Fraser watched as Ray uncomfortably got comfortable and once he found a position that was only good enough, he exhaled with annoyance.

"Thank you Ray, for your concern. I will remember that."

Ray made a sweeping observation of the view offered by the fire escape, which wasn't anything to write home about. There was an alley, the back of the next building and sky. The sun was setting over the city, calling the day to a close and Ray couldn't help but think that it was about time.

"So, how are you two settling in?" Ray asked looking over at Fraser who seemed a bit melancholy.

"What are you doing here?" Fraser asked, genuinely curious as to why Ray was back when he had dropped them off less than thirty minutes ago.

"What?" Ray responded with confusion at being answered with a question.

"Why did you come back?"

"Why?" Ray asked out loud of himself. His answer to himself was a shrug. "I don't know, just thought you might need a little help settling in. I think I was right. Are you gonna unpack or is the middle of the apartment where you plan on keeping the trunk.

Fraser chuckled and shook his head. "No, that is not where I plan on keeping the trunk. It's just . . . I . . . I'm not ready to unpack yet."

Ray nodded his head, strangely understanding the man he had only recently met.

"It's almost inconceivable that a month ago my father was still alive and I was home, carrying out my duty like any other day. And now here I am, thousands of miles away from the land that I know like my own skin," Fraser said, trying to explain more clearly to the Chicago native. "I don't belong here."

"Where, Chicago? Chicago loves you," Ray interjected. "You are gonna fit in just fine."

"When?" Fraser asked seriously.

"Benny, you've only officially been living in Chicago for little over a week. It's gonna take some time, that's all. I've lived here my whole life and occasionally there are days even I don't feel I belong. It may not be the same feeling you are having now and is more due to my fellow Chicagoans rather than the city itself but I can guarantee that it will get better."

Fraser sighed, resting his head back against the building's brick wall. "I want to go home."

It was an admission that would only see the light of day once and never again would he speak of it. Uttering those words helped Fraser to let go of what he couldn't change and get him on the road to acceptance of his new life.

Ray was laughing next to him.

"I don't think that was funny," Fraser argued, shocked by Ray's reaction.

"No," Ray said shaking his head. "I'm not laughing at you it's just funny, that's all."

"I don't understand." The confusion was evident on the Mountie's face and Ray had to sober up quickly to explain.

"It's funny, you want to go home and yet I want you to stay."

"Stay?"

Ray leaned back against the wall himself turning his head to look at Fraser. "Yeah, stay. I've kinda gotten use to you being around. I mean you're my partner and best friend might I add so I'm in no hurry of getting rid of you just yet.

"I haven't had a partner in a long while now or at least one that lasted very long and I think we work good together. You are giving me a whole new look at my own status as a cop, making it seem possible to make a difference so yeah, I want you to stay."

Fraser was grinning.

"What?" Ray asked defensively.

Fraser shook his head, clearing his face of the foolish grin.

"Thank you, Ray."

"You're welcome, Benny."

The two men turned their sights up towards the darkening sky and continued sitting out on the fire escape well past sunset.

In the last week Ray had walked up and down this hallway more times than he had fingers to count on. He never left the hospital during the first 24 hours but there came a point and time when even he couldn't refuse his body's need for rest, and an escape from reality and memories that were far too close to the surface. Once he knew Fraser would pull through, it became necessary for him to leave for a few hours each day. When that time came, Ray allowed himself to be driven home to a house he didn't recognize.

He had heard of the state that Fraser left his home in but that he was able to forgive. It was the necessary of two evils. If Fraser was going to flee the state (and possibly country) with a criminal, best to make sure his best friend wasn't left in the lurch or that there wasn't any hard evidence pointing in his direction. Granted, he already looked guilty but Ray was thankful that Fraser hadn't lost all his marbles and equally thankful to the men and women of the 27th whom volunteered to put his house back together during his 24-hour vigil at the hospital.

Some days seemed to last weeks and some weeks seemed to last a lifetime. While the days now seemed to drag, time appeared to be passing by faster than normal. It seemed like only yesterday Ray was watching Fraser run after a woman on a train but in reality that was two weeks ago today. What didn't help matters was that Ray really didn't have anywhere else to go. There was home and then there was the hospital. Work was out of the question since Lt. Welsh ordered that Ray to take an undetermined amount of time off due to the nature of circumstances revolving around the situation at hand and he couldn't simply sit at home and watch the time pass by without notice. He was all too aware of the time. Time was his enemy.

The situation at hand, such a cold way of referring to the recent events that nearly tore the two friends apart. The reference was as cold as the hospital itself and Ray shivered on his course to Fraser's room. The sound of his heels against the linoleum was the only noise breaking up the daily sounds of a functioning hospital and no one seemed to take notice of him as he passed. He had become as much part of the building as they all were. This was now part of his life, for as long as Fraser would need to stay here. He had no choice but to get used to it.

Coming to a stop outside Fraser's room, Ray took a deep breath and released it slowly in an effort to gain courage from wherever it would come. Sadly, it did not but he didn't have a choice upon entering or not. Ray pushed the door open and entered as he did every day before this.

The room was bright, being lit by the sun. The nurses had this habit of thinking everyone wanted their curtains open to enjoy the outside as much as possible. Their beliefs were stupid in Ray's opinion. To him, it only reminded a person of what they couldn't enjoy and the first thing he did upon entering the room was close those curtains.

Perhaps it wasn't so much as to protect Fraser from the tease of the outside world but more to cover up the life Ray didn't want to view in the daylight. This day though, Ray closed the curtains only halfway. He would sit with his back to the window today.

Ray took a seat next to his immobile friend's bed and sighed heavily. It was going to be a long day and if he were lucky, no one would bother him.

"Ray?" The voice of his friend was weak due to the pain medication the doctors were keeping him on but he was finally alert. The only reason Ray knew this was because Fraser actually knew it was him there and no one else.

"Yeah . . . Benny?" The name almost seemed wrong to use but if not Benny, then what? Fraser? Was he not still his best friend? Was he not still Benny?

These were all questions Ray wouldn't allow himself to think about just yet. It would have to be done sooner or later he knew that. They would both have to discuss what happened and how it would effect their friendship, if there would be any effect on it. But now was not the time.

Fraser turned and looked out between the curtains, trying to figure out how long he had been in the hospital and failing.

"What day?" Fraser asked, rubbing his eyes with his injured hand. The sentence wasn't complete but Ray knew what he was asking.

Ray's eyes locked on the bandage.

"Thursday," he responded flatly.

Fraser nodded, trying to calculate the time frame in his head. Fraser brought his hand down to rest on his chest and remained quiet with his eyes shut. His head was still foggy from the medications that had been administered and the visual assaults of the previous week's events overwhelmed him, making thinking impossible.

Ray could sense the calculations Fraser was processing through and watched over the facial movements as his friend reconciled the time frame. There was a predominant frown once realization hit and Fraser attempted to move causing his eyes to shoot open in pain.

Ray stood up immediately.

"You okay," he asked, placing a hand on Fraser's shoulder to still him.

Fraser managed a nod of denial as he attempted to breathe through the pain that pulsated through his body like shock waves. "I'm . . . f . . . fi . . . ne . . ."

"Uh-huh, sure Benny. Do you want me to get the nurse?" Ray was on his way towards the door when his hand was grabbed.

"No," Fraser stated, painfully but his breathing was beginning to even out. He wasn't able to coherently explain to Ray that he had already received a dose of medication earlier in the morning to relieve the pain he was in and wouldn't be due for another for a couple hours. He had been reduced to the simplest of words. "Stay."

The one-word sentences were a change coming from the Mountie but Ray understood. It was hard enough on him to verbalize what he was thinking. He could only imagine what was going through Fraser's head. He could only imagine what kind of demons lurked in the dark recesses of Fraser's mind.

Fraser released Ray's hand as he came back to take his seat again. He sighed heavily, staring up at the ceiling, refusing himself a look at Ray. He was the only person Fraser had to depend upon and yet he didn't deserve him. Fraser needed Ray and he didn't have the right to ask for his support. If anything, Ray should have kept on walking out the room, down the corridor and straight out of the hospital, never to set eyes on Fraser again, for as long as they lived but he was still there. Ray was standing by him, whether Fraser deserved him or not and Fraser wasn't about to throw his rock away.

And Ray didn't push him. Ray took his seat next to the bed and remained quiet, as if the silence alone could heal them but that was not healthy or possible. So much more needed to be done but at that moment, being able to sit together in the same room was good enough. Ray began twiddling his thumbs for lack of anything better to do. He concentrated on their movements to keep from staring at the figure of his best friend.

When Fraser's breathing evened out to being barely detectable, Ray figured he had fallen back asleep as was the norm and only then would he look at Fraser. It was fear, the fear that if they had made eye contact that they would have to discuss what they weren't ready to discuss. It was simply easier for now to avoid the pain and betrayal.

"Ray?"

Ray jumped. "Yeah?"

Fraser turned his head to look Ray in the eye if only to make certain Ray would tell him the truth. "Dief?"

Ray offered a small smile of relief. He knew Fraser would be asking about the wolf sooner or later.

"Dief's good. Vet says he may get to come home this week yet. Ma is looking forward to being able to pamper him to no end."

Ray could see Fraser was pleased with the news. He didn't smile or say anything to the fact but there was a slight change in his eyes that reflected a small speck of happiness. It was the most Fraser could do in his altered state.

Fraser returned his sights towards the ceiling and this time, when his breathing evened out, he did fall asleep. It wasn't the most peaceful sleep but it was much needed sleep. He had many long weeks ahead of him and it was best for him to stock up on his sleep while he could.

Relaxing back into the chair that seemed to have his name etched on it, Ray stayed as Fraser had requested. He may not have been fully aware of Ray's presence for the most part but Ray would be there if Fraser needed him and even if he didn't think he needed Ray.

The silence was worse this time, compared to when Fraser was hospitalized a few months back. The reason for the intensity was due to the fact that both men were conscience this time and fully aware of their surroundings. They both were able to carry a conversation but words failed each of them.

The hour was late and to Ray's relief, everyone in the house was already in bed, fast asleep and unaware of what had transpired earlier in the evening. Ray decided it was best that way for he really didn't have it in him to explain what had happened. Looking down at his hands Ray couldn't miss the stains of blood he was unable to fully wash away. Ray froze on the spot, unable to move, unable to think, unable to breathe.

Fraser was more than aware of Ray's distraction as he came up behind his friend and placed a hand on his shoulder. The contact was the jumpstart Ray needed to breathe again, bringing him back to the present, to his living room and to the realization of the guilt he was feeling. Fraser gave Ray's shoulder a gentle, reassuring squeeze before allowing his hold to slide down to take a leading grip on Ray's elbow. Cautiously Fraser led his friend into the kitchen and then towards the sink.

Ray was still in a daze as he watched his best friend turn on the kitchen faucet and let the water run until he felt it was of a desired temperature. It was like watching video footage of someone else's life. This wasn't real and yet it was all too real.

Fraser reached out and tentatively took hold of Ray's hand, directing them toward the running water. At that moment, Ray needed to be taken care of even if he wasn't willing to ask for the help. It appeared neither of them knew how to ask the other for help but knew when the other needed it. When help was offered, it was never refused. Fraser began washing the remaining blood off of Ray's hands.

The warm water was soothing and Ray closed his eyes allowing his friend to minister to his wounds. They weren't physical wounds but painful memories that had festered over time starting back when he was a young boy. He knew a life with Irene would be doomed way back then. Even when he saw her in the restaurant on the night of her brother's birthday celebration, Ray knew there was no chance in the world for them but he cared for her and worried about her and wanted to save her as he did all those years ago but couldn't. The fact he got under Frank Zuko's skin in a bad way was only a perk but he should have known better that he couldn't save her now either.

Ray didn't notice when the water was stopped. He came back to the present when he felt his hands being dried and he concentrated on that act. While Fraser towel dried his hands, Ray was taken back by the differences of their hands. Ray's hands were long and lean and if he could venture towards the truth of his beliefs, weak and frail. They began shaking while Fraser was drying them off.

Fraser's on the other hand were like the whole man, perfect. They were broad and strong and steady. They were pale in color like the rest of the man but even though the color was most associated with weakness, Fraser was far from that. He was the strongest man Ray had the pleasure of knowing and even though Ray thought the man perfect, he also knew Fraser was far from that. He was human just like everyone else in the world but in acknowledging that fact, it made him seem even more perfect.

Ray looked up at Fraser whom seemed to have been studying Ray for a while and received a slight smile from his friend.

Fraser released Ray's hands to fold the dishtowel and hang it in the sink to dry. When he turned back to Ray it was to find him staring at his now clean hands. Fraser took hold of the hands to distract Ray's thoughts.

"Everything will be all right," Fraser said, feeling it needed to be said out loud.

Ray looked back at Fraser, his eyes full of fear and disbelief.

"You sure about that?"

"I am sure," Fraser sounded confident in his response but he would never admit to anything less. "Come on," Fraser said, leading Ray out of the kitchen and towards the staircase leading upstairs.

"No," Ray refused to go to his room.

"Ray, it's late and been a long tiring day . . . week at that rate. You need your sleep."

"No . . . I just . . . I'm not tired . . . " It was a lie but Ray knew if he went to bed that his brain would take him places he didn't want to go. It wouldn't be into a happy dreamland but more a nightmarish hell.

Ray walked away from Fraser and headed for the oversized couch in the living room. He collapsed on it, the cushions giving away, knowing where support was needed and fitting to his contours, as only a good friend would know how.

The room was quiet, too quiet for Ray's liking. "Are you just gonna stand there?"

"I . . . ah . . . I thought I should go . . . "

Ray didn't even look in Fraser's direction when he responded. "If you even think of walking out that door . . . I will just have to come after you. Please stay."

It was a request Fraser couldn't refuse or one that Ray wouldn't let him refuse.

"I really should . . . "

"Fraser!"

"Yes, Ray?"

"Sit." Ray was still relaxed on the couch, having not moved since sitting and his head rested against its back.

The word was said as an order and Fraser obeyed, taking a seat on the opposite end of the couch. Perhaps Fraser feared him lashing out at him, releasing the pent up anger that Fraser could only imagine was being bottled deep down. Ray frowned at the thought of Fraser fearing him. Ray would have denied such an action but he would have to bite his tongue for he had lashed out at Fraser twice since this whole mess started and both times Fraser didn't deserve it. At this point, Ray didn't believe he deserved Fraser.

"How much more can our friendship take?" Ray asked out of the blue in words that sounded as tired as he felt.

Fraser responded in typical Fraser style. "Some say a good friendship holds a bond that can stand the test of time."

Ray turned his head to look at Fraser, not lifting it from the couch's back. "Were we being tested?"

Fraser met Ray's eyes. "Perhaps."

"Did we pass?"

Fraser pondered the question, uncertain of the answer at first but after further inspection of the events leading up to this moment, he couldn't deny the truth.

"Yes, I believe so."

Ray smiled for the first time in days. It was a genuine and honest smile that spoke of the faith he had in Fraser but the smile disappeared quickly and was replaced by sadness. "I'm so tired, Benny."

"You need sleep, Ray."

"I know but if I lay down . . . the nightmares will begin . . . I don't . . . I can't . . . "

Fraser reached out, wanting to calm Ray's fears, and touched his shoulder. Ray's words were stopped by the contact and his actions were beyond his control. Fraser led Ray's body to a reclined position, with his head pillowed by Fraser leg.

Ray kicked off his shoes as Fraser pulled the blanket that lay across the back of the couch over Ray. Ray's body curled into a secure position and he sighed with relief of not being left alone for the night.

"I'll stay with you tonight," Fraser offered, knowing Ray wouldn't let him go anyway. "If the nightmares should come, we can get through them together."

Ray cocked his head up to look at Fraser.

"What would I do without you?"

Fraser didn't responded to the question immediately but contemplated his response for the right words. Perhaps it was to make sure he wouldn't say anything he would regret or anything that would spook Ray but at this point, what would spook Ray? He was the one reclined on the couch with his head resting on his best friend's leg, his male best friend's leg. The picture they served would not be looked kindly upon but Ray didn't complain or protest what it would look like.

In the end, Fraser chose the truth. "I wonder that myself about you."

The admission was gifted by a smile from Ray before he turned back to looking across the room. It was only a matter of minutes before Ray's eyes closed beyond his control. Fraser breathed easier, knowing Ray was getting the sleep his body was craving and amazingly, he slept through the night with very little disturbances.

The smell of rain hung in the air for most of the evening and due to the lack of precipitation over the last few weeks, he should have known that he wouldn't make it back in time before the heavens opened up in a torrential downpour. The city needed it though so he couldn't complain. A little water never truly hurt anyone or any wolf as the case may be.

Diefenbaker climbed up the last few rungs of the fire escape ladder and carefully popped up onto the landing that would bring him to the kitchen window of the apartment he and Fraser shared. The lights were off but he knew Fraser was home and that he was not alone. Diefenbaker had "stepped out" to give the men some privacy but the rain caused his hasty return. When he had left the apartment, it was to escape the raised voices and flailing arms but now, all was calm. The wolf quietly jumped in through the window, shaking off the excess water and curled up at the foot of the bed.

Fraser was propped up on his elbow watching the wolf. Even though Diefenbaker was trying to be quiet, Fraser still heard him approach the window and jump in. He prayed the water droplets Diefenbaker shook off didn't make it anywhere near Ray's jacket that was hanging on the back of one of the kitchenette chairs but there was nothing he could really do about that now after the fact.

Fraser closed his eyes, enjoying the relaxing reverberation of the rain against the buildings of the neighborhood and pavement on the street below. The rain's gentle rhythm was soothing and eased the day's pain away. It was a pain that he had never felt before and short from going against every fiber in his body, there was nothing he could do to stop it.

The bed was small so when the body next to him tossed for the fifth time that hour, Fraser couldn't help but to look down at him. Ray was sleeping but it wasn't a restful sleep. Both men were fully clothed sans jackets and shoes. Fraser couldn't help but notice Ray wouldn't be pleased by the current state of his white dress shirt that before looked perfectly pressed but now resembled a shirt that hadn't been retrieved from the dryer in time.

Fraser reached out and pulled at the shirt but the wrinkles were there for the count and would need ironing after a good washing. It was domestic, thinking about laundry and he liked that. He liked Ray being here, in his apartment, in his bed and basically in his life. A life without Ray was no life at all. Fraser laughed at the thought.

He could live without Ray. Physically, Fraser could survive. He would still have everything that was needed to sustain life: air, food, water, a roof over his head and clothes on his back. He could live in Chicago without Ray but he didn't want to and admitting that was the hardest part and the reasoning behind the anguish he was in.

The evening began like any other after work evening but there was something different about Ray. Fraser couldn't pin point the change exactly. It wasn't a visual change, Ray still looked like Ray but there was something in the way Ray looked at him. He could only describe it as Ray being on edge. There was something going on in his head that Ray wasn't talking about and although they talked about everything there was still something that everything didn't cover.

Fraser didn't expect Ray to tell him everything in life. Ray didn't owe him that but Ray shared his life with Fraser and always felt obligated to share everything. It was only a matter of time before Ray would divulge this last secret and that day was today. It was a secret Fraser wasn't expecting and although he was a little shocked by the revelation, he tried not to let on to that fact.

*earlier*

"We gotta talk," Ray blurted out as Fraser was cleaning up the kitchen table after dinner.

Fraser was expecting this for a while now and he quickly but not noticeably quickly finished placing the dirty dishes in the sink and gave Ray his full attention. It was late. The current case they were working on had kept them out later than normal and it was nearing the midnight hour.

"Yes, Ray?"

He stared at Fraser for a moment and Fraser could see the fear in his eyes. That fear shot into Fraser and settled in the pit of his stomach. He didn't have a clue as to what this was about but he feared the unknown.

"Come, sit down," Ray directed in a soft tone that matched the look in his eyes. Ray knew Fraser could read him like a book and he didn't need his eyes giving away anything he wasn't ready to.

Fraser took his seat again, across the table from Ray and noted the change in his eyes. They remained quiet, Fraser waiting for Ray to speak and Ray waiting for the courage to speak to build.

"You know I love you," Ray said, stating the obvious.

Fraser loved hearing Ray say those words out loud. "Yes, Ray and I love you as well."

And Ray loved hearing Fraser say those words too.

This was not the secret being told. Both men knew they loved each other and more so that they were in love with each other. Were they lovers? Of course they were but not in all sense of the word's definition. They loved one another and could easily admit feeling sexual love towards one another. They were devoted to one another. In short, they were lovers but hadn't taken that final step to consummate their relationship but not for lack of wanting to. Ray held the line because it wouldn't be fair to his partner.

"You know I admire you, Benny."

Fraser's head cocked to one side surprised by the admission and curious as to where it was leading. "Admire me?"

"Yeah, admire. Who wouldn't?"

Ray didn't expect an answer but got one anyway.

"Me."

"What?"

"I can't say that I admire myself, Ray. I am not perfect and I have made some mistakes that even I can't forgive myself for."

"Yeah but maybe you should. You know, you don't have to be perfect to be admired. I forgave you long ago and perhaps that imperfection is what makes me admire you so."

Fraser didn't understand and Ray could see it in his eyes.

"Ya see, when you first came to Chicago it was like you were up here," Ray demonstrated with his right hand raised about two feet above the kitchen table. "And me and everyone else in Chicago were here," Ray's left hand rested on the table's surface. "You were perfect to everyone, including me and that made you almost seem better than the rest of us but as I got to know you, I learned you weren't perfect. You were human like the rest of us, and that is what made me begin to admire you. I knew then I could be like you."

"Ray you don't have to be like me," Fraser protested, embarrassed by the conversation's subject.

"I know I don't have to be like you but I want to be like you. I want to help the little guy. I want to make a difference in the world . . . that is why we have to talk."

Fraser didn't speak but waited for Ray to continue.

"A few months back, the Feds came to see me and they offered me a job."

"Ray, that is wonderful." The pride Fraser was feeling shown through his smile. After all they had been through with the FBI in the past, it was satisfying knowing Ray had made a good impression despite the local agent's dislike of the highly competent officer.

"Yeah." Ray had to agree it was a step in the right direction career wise but at what cost.

"Is there something wrong?" Fraser could sense the mixed emotions Ray was processing through.

"Okay, here it is. There's this undercover assignment that I've been asked to take on and I've accepted it. I just wanted to tell you because . . . well . . . because we have no secrets, well I guess before I told you we did but now we don't. I couldn't not tell you as they instructed me. I couldn't. It was killing me keeping this from you and now it's still killing me."

Ray was leaning over the table with his head in his hands, clearly distraught over the conversation.

"Where?"

"What?"

"Where is your undercover assignment?" Fraser asked.

"Ah, Las Vegas."

Fraser nodded, accepting the information. "For how long?"

Ray looked up at Fraser with a suffering expression. "I don't know . . . could be a few months or it could be longer. They didn't really say other than until the job is done."

"When?"

Ray shrugged his shoulders. "They didn't say. I'm kinda like 'on call,' if that is what you can call it. When ever they decide it's time, it's time."

Ray watched Fraser's true feelings being disclosed on his face and the pain in his chest intensified. "What is it?"

Fraser masked his feelings quickly before responding. "Nothing, it is a great opportunity, Ray."

"That's it? That's all you have to say?"

Fraser was shocked by Ray's outburst. "What do you want me to say?"

Ray stood up, shoving his chair back and that is when the arms started flailing.

"I don't know, something, anything that tells me how you really feel. Not this stoic programmed Mountie response. Don't use that tactic on me, not here and not now."

"Ray," Fraser began, standing up as well and continuing in a softer voice. "What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know . . ." It was a vicious circle.

Ray ended up looking out the window after a retreating wolf. He never could take the pressure when push came to show.

"If you asked me to stay I would," Ray whispered, knowing Fraser well enough to know he could hear him.

Fraser approached Ray from behind and wrapped his arms around him.

"I couldn't ask that of you. I don't have the right to ask that. I love you too much to ask," Fraser said but he couldn't help but think that by not asking, he didn't love Ray enough.

"I'm tired, Benny." Ray clung to Fraser's arms, not wanting to let go. "I'm so tired." He hated fighting with Fraser and although it wasn't a fight so much as having an aggravating conversation with no resolution, it was emotionally draining nonetheless.

"You could stay here tonight," Fraser suggested, giving Ray's body a squeeze. After the news he was dealt, he wasn't ready to let Ray go yet.

Ray turned around in the embrace. "I'd like that Benny. I'd like that a lot."

*Present*

The rumbling of thunder in the distance brought Fraser back to the here and now and he shuddered uncontrollably. Lying down next to Ray, Fraser received enjoyment by watching his partner sleep. Ray looked relaxed and at ease, far more so than he had been in the last couple weeks. His mouth was slack in non-expression and his breathing was even. He was at peace and Fraser would like nothing more than to keep him that way.

Reaching out, Fraser placed his hand on Ray's chest, over the area where he could feel his heart beating, pulsing blood through his veins, keeping him alive. He had Ray's life in the palm of his hand and it caused a power struggle between what Fraser wanted and what he would allow himself to admit to wanting. Fraser wanted Ray with his whole heart, body and soul but he also wanted Ray to be happy and didn't want to be the one to stand in his way. Fraser would never forgive himself for denying Ray anything in the world, if he could prevent it.

Fraser moved closer to Ray to place a kiss over his heart. He laid his head there, listing to Ray's heartbeat. They were in limbo and there were only two doors to choose between. One lead to Heaven and eternal happiness while the other lead to an uncertain future with many twists and turns and no guarantee of happiness.

"I want you to stay, I do," Fraser whispered, hoping that voicing the dream out loud would help him to let go of what he couldn't have.

As if those were the magic words that would bring Sleeping Beauty to life, Ray's body came alive and before Fraser could understand the fullness of what was happening, he found himself on his back with Ray on top of him.

"Ray?"

"Hey, Benny." Ray was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"How long have you been up?"

"Long enough," Ray replied as he settled on top of Fraser.

"I thought . . ."

"You thought I was sleeping? Ya know Benny, you're not the only one that can lower their heart rate on command. You did teach me once, remember?" Ray had both his hands in fists, one on top of the other on Fraser's chest with his chin resting on top.

Fraser smiled and released a small chuckle. "Yes, I remember well."

"I love you."

"I know, Ray and I love you."

"No, I mean I really, really love you," Ray restated as the energy in his body was taking over. He sat up astride Fraser and his arms, as always with excitement, flailed. "I love you Benny, ya know, the whole ball of wax, everything. Besides my family, you are my life and I can't imagine being without you. I mean this may be sounding like a huge sap feast but it's the truth and I don't know how else to explain it."

Fraser's hands held onto Ray's waist to steady him, for the bed was only so wide and he didn't need to have Ray crack his head on the floor at this moment and time.

"You weren't supposed to hear," Fraser said, feeling a little guilty over the admission he made.

"I know," Ray said in a calmer tone. "I know. You were being noble and sacrificing your own happiness for my career. Did you ever stop to think you would make me much happier than any career boost? Truthfully, I could careless about this stupid assignment. When I accepted it . . . it was before you and me . . . and now . . . I didn't . . . I mean I wouldn't allow . . . "

Ray was rambling and not making any sense to himself but Fraser seemed to understand as always. He started to sit up and Ray met him half way as their arms tangled and their lips connected, parting to allow the other entrance. It was a hungry kiss. Both knowing there was nothing holding them back. By the time they parted, the need for air much greater than the need for each other, Ray's shirt had been unbuttoned and untucked and Fraser's uniform suspenders were pushed down off his shoulders.

"Benny . . . " Ray said, still trying to catch his breath.

"Yes?"

"I can't leave . . . I won't leave." The last part was stated firmly, the tone warning that there would be no argument with his decision.

"Thank God," Fraser exclaimed before pulling Ray closer for another kiss and that was the last they spoke of the undercover assignment that night. What followed was a leisurely first time that they would remember for the rest of their lives.

End

End Stay by Innusiq: Joymakers@neo.rr.com

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