Disclaimer: You recognize it? Then I don't own it.

Author's Notes: It's mushy, it's sappy, it's harmless, it's the start of a series.
The mildest of mild angst. Barely even angst at all in fact.
I don't want to thank anyone for this but I do want to blame my dearest friend who insisted I write it for her.
Remember - the feedback fairy is your friend :-)

Story Notes: Susanna, my darling, you rock.

To my dearest Ray,
I'm writing because, as cowardly as it may seem, I don't know how to say this to your face. Even in this impersonal way, I'm frightened that tomorrow morning when you look me in the eyes you'll see all the weaknesses I hold inside, and that frightens me. While my head tells me to stay within these walls, my heart tells me to trust you. My heart tells me that you know what it feels like to hurt and you care .... No .... Love me enough to forgive the chinks in my `flawless Mountie armour'. I know how disappointed you will be to learn there are no Inuit tales within this letter. I just want to show you a little of the emotion that pushes me to get close to you. I've always been so isolated, and you're breaking through. Everywhere I see people. Crying, hurting and screaming out for someone to save them. Sometimes they cry out to their God, sometimes to a Guardian Angel, sometimes to me. Anyone or anything that can lift them from what they're feeling, and inject some life into dead hearts and darkened souls. It's always the same. I've felt that.
I've always been the one with the polite smiles and unshakeable calm. I'm always there to try and make people feel like they can go on. I always tell people to see the beauty in life and the beauty in people. For so very long I've given all my strength to being that Guardian Angel. To helping people who feel this way to finally find their hope. I've given everything I had, just to make a difference to as many lives as I could and then I realized ... I've always been the one needing help. I fight to help others because I know their situation so painfully well. I look in their eyes and see a story. A story that's so familiar to me that I see it whenever I close my eyes. I've never told anyone ... but I can still hear the words spoken by those around me and still feel the blows of the evil that haunted me. I can still feel the sting of tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat from tears I couldn't quite cry. I still feel the shaking of my limbs as every shuddering cry tore at my body and my mind. I still feel the emptiness of believing I was alone. I fought for so long to find my strength and then realized that no Angel was coming to save me. I finally gave up on the dream but that didn't put an end to my hope. The hope we carry inside us is like the glowing embers of fire. Sometimes it burns low and is suffocated by cynicism and hurt. Sometimes it burns high and is fed by gentleness and love. Sometimes it's barely visible but it's always there, undying and ever-burning. All you have to do is tend to it and it will burn bright, so you can warm yourself by its crimson flames. With the death of a hollow fantasy came the birth of true understanding. I realized I had to be the one to save myself. My inspiration came from you. I hide my pain, Ray. I bury it down under the uniform and the Canadian courtesy until it remains as nothing but the dullest of aches. Ever-present, but bearable. You put your heart, your love, your hate, you pain on display to anyone who cares enough to look. I've seen you break, Ray. But I've seen you heal and grow more beautiful than before. I knew if I could feel just a little of the warmth that emanates from your whole being, I know I could save myself. I spent too long building defenses around myself so strong that no-one could penetrate them, before I realized the danger came from within. I was eating away at myself and all I had to do was reach out to make it right. That was all. Just reach out and make someone understand I was hurting. It took me so long to find the courage to do that. Every second was more painful than the last and every moment made the gap more frightening to cross. But I did it. I broke through my own defenses and reached out my hand to those around me. Perhaps if I could understand their pain then finally I would find the courage and trust to let them into my heart. If I could get a glimpse into their souls and witness their insecurities and fears then maybe one day they'd find a way to do the same with me. It's a long road and I'm only halfway there. Every moment's openness is a step forward and every moment's fear is a step back.

The universal truth I've come to understand is that I will be hurt, and I know that when people hurt me I can't let it wear me down. Everyday is a fight. A fight against confusion, self-pity, loneliness, tears and misery. A fight to keep my head above the tide-line. It's still frightening but it's getting easier. And I refuse to give up ... either on myself or anyone else. Just like you haven't given up on me yet. You have no idea what that means.

Someday I'll repay you for the gift you gave so willingly, so unknowingly, so selflessly. The gift of your time, acceptance, patience and ... dare I believe it... Love. You've been so good to me. You took my hand and you led me through it all, and the miracle is that you've made me stronger now than I was to begin with. So now we finally reach the point of the letter. I want you to take my gratitude and accept this debt I owe you. I want you to know that I love you with all my being. Lastly, I want you to know that if you ever need an angel ... Ask and I'll be here. With my everything,
Ben.

End Healing by LaAmelia: beatitribbitbiteme@hotmail.com

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